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Posted on Thursday, March 2nd, 2006

Dave!This will be my last entry at Blogography. This morning I got an offer to write material at a commercial blog FOR MONEY and, since I am barely capable of writing one thing each day, I'm afraid that Blogography will be shut down for the foreseeable future.

Oh... wait a minute... I got that backwards. I REFUSED the offer because I am barely able to write one thing each day, and I am not ready to give up my blog just yet. Yes... yes, I'm sure that's how it went. But still, that's kind of flattering isn't it? Somebody found my crappy blog entertaining enough to want to pay me actual money to write stuff. Strange.

Anyway, the latest Project Catwalk finally hit, and Liz was her usual brutally hot self. A double-vision in magenta...

Project Catwalk 07 Liz

Project Catwalk 07 Liz

On the way to work in the rain this morning I needed to stop at the mini mart to pick up some cheese popcorn. Hey, I woke up craving cheese popcorn and far be it for me to deny myself anything. When I arrived, there was a guy in a dirty coat standing soaking-wet in the middle of the parking area. As I pulled up and got out of my car, the guy came right up to me and without hesitation said: "I really need a drink, do you have a couple of bucks?"

The reason I don't hand out money has already been documented (here, in a very special episode of Blogography), so I told him that while I cannot give cash, I'd be happy to buy him a breakfast burrito and a coffee if he was hungry. "Burrito? I don't want a burrito! I need a drink!" After explaining that this wasn't going to happen, I fully expected that he would take me up on my offer, but instead he said "aaaah, keep your damn burrito!" and walked off into the rain.

If only I had the discipline to become a wandering alcoholic. I mean, I always have such a great time while drunk, so it must be like a non-stop party (at least until you run out of booze money like that poor bastard). Meagan called once I had bought my cheese popcorn and, after I told her about my random encounter, had to remind me that being drunk in public is not the best career move for me...

Years ago while she was still living in Portland, I had gone down for work and we hooked up for a night on the town with her brother and his partner. Many alcoholic beverages were consumed before we finally decided to go to the movies. It was one of these weepy drama flicks that only women and gay men can enjoy, but I was totally drunk and didn't care what they wanted to watch. Turns out that was a mistake, because I was bored... bored... bored.

So bored that I did something bad.

There was this dramatic scene in the film where some daft bitch wasn't watching her daughter and the little girl wandered off and got trapped somehow. The woman struggled valiantly to reach the girl, but she couldn't. There were all these dramatic close-up shots of their hands almost touching, but not quite.

The woman in the movie cried.

The little girl in the movie cried.

The audience cried.

I just screamed "USE THE FORCE, BITCH!!"

In my defense, it did work for Luke when that abominable snow monster hung him up-side-down in the ice cave and he could almost touch his light saber.

There were a couple of big laughs in the audience (presumably those few straight guys who had been forced to watch this pile of crap by their girlfriends), but overall my helpful comment was not well-received by my fellow movie-goers. I really don't blame them. I hate it when some dumbass ruins the film for everybody... it just so happens that this time the dumbass was me.

When a woman left the theater, I knew she was going to get the manager, so I told my posse I was going back to the bar before I got tossed out and they could just come get me after the movie was over. Much to my surprise, they actually did come and get me.

So perhaps Meagan is right. If social drinking is this difficult for me, maybe this isn't a good career move?

Oooh, look! It's another picture of Elizabeth Hurley!!

Project Catwalk 07 Liz

Oh yeah, speaking of The Force... my fellow Lego Star Wars video game lovers will be happy to know that IGN is running a production diary for the sequel over at their site. How cool is that? I guess it's time I renew my IGN Insider membership. All I know is that I cannot WAIT for this game to be released...

Lego Star Wars

Awww... isn't little Lego Darth Vader cute as he chokes that little Lego Rebel Alliance soldier?


Categories: DaveLife 2006, Elizabeth Hurley, LEGOClick To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. sandra says:

    I got nervous when I read your first paragraph. Just so you know. As for the homeless guy encounter, a similar thing happened to a friend of mine in high school. She was on her way into Wendy’s for a Frostee fix when a man asked her for money. Feeling charitable, she decided to get him a meal while she was inside. This was apparently not what he was looking for; I can tell you this because she came to my house after the attempt at meal giveage covered in said meal. Yes, the guy threw the hamburger at her. To this day, she’s a bit bitter when people ask her for money.

  2. karla says:

    I’m still picking myself off the floor from your first paragraph.

    You CANNOT do that to me. That was cruel. Crueler than faux torture. Just plain…mean.

    I need some xanax.

  3. adena says:

    “USE THE FORCE, BITCH!!”

    Ha!

    I would’ve been laughing like the random straight guys in the audience.

    Sappy movies = GAAH!!!

    However, I can see how being drunk in public would NOT be a good career move for you.

    As far as homeless people…I actually admire when they’re up front about why they want the money. At least he was being honest about wanting booze.

    The best homeless sign I saw was in Salem, as I was driving under the bridge where all the homeless people hang out, one was holding a sign that said “I bet you can’t hit me with a quarter”.

    INGENIUS!!

    (That’s a great story about the rooster, BTW. I usually give the street kids money…random change, etc. If I want to help the homeless adults, I buy the newspaper they make and sell in Portland. I feel sorry for the kids because I knew a bunch of them as a kid in Portland.)

  4. ChillyWilly says:

    cool that you’ll keep this blog around, but couldn’t you still keep doing this blog and getting paid to blog for someone else?

    As for the Lego Star Wars, I picked up the Game Boy version the other night…. it’s the coolest game I’ve played so far. Into it a couple of levels, but I like it so far. Sad that I didn’t discover it sooner. Waiting now for the PSP version of Star Wars II (the first Triolgy that you posted back a few entries) later this fall.

  5. Patti says:

    That first part was so unfunny. I was thinking “but I just got here”…like whether or not you continue blogging is somehow related to the length of time it took me to discover this place. There’s algebra involved…it’s very intricate.

    Anyway, glad you’re staying. Elizabeth is (still) gorgeous. I would’ve taken the burrito and Luke would’ve been proud!

  6. That first sentence? Not funny at all.

    I don’t think it’s strange at all that someone wants to pay you for your writing.

    Admit it…the real reason you turned them down is that they wouldn’t let you post pictures of Liz Hurley, right?

  7. Jeff says:

    My wife are polar opposites when it comes to taste in movies. I like action and stupid comedies, she likes sappy drama and chick-flicks.

    I can’t get that drunk.

  8. Deb_LA says:

    OMG! You scared me to death. I recently found your blog and have been so entertained. You are not allowed to go away yet! No! Bad Dave! Err, I mean Good Dave! I don’t know…

    Anyway, at least the homeless guy was being honest. I bought someone a scone and water from starbucks once and he tossed it in the trash as soon as I got my car.

  9. Kevin says:

    You scared the bejeezus out of me for a second until I realized, “Dave wouldn’t sell out on us. He may do it as a side project, but he loves this damn blog too much to leave it just for money.”

    So, you wanna send them my way?

    I don’t tend to give money to homeless people either. When one knows you have money, they use some kind of telepathic communicator to clue in all the other homeless of yours and neighboring cities who descend on you like locusts. Hate to make a comparison between homeless and locusts, but it worked in this instance. Sadly.

  10. michaelsean says:

    I would have laughed at the, “Use the Force Bitch” comment for sure. And probably looked for you after to get a big hug.

  11. Naomi says:

    I concur with everyone else–first paragraph=not funny.

    As to the drinking conundrum… I asked Santa for a raging case of alcoholism this past Christmas, but apparently I was on the naughty list…

  12. Harold says:

    Dave, if you ever do decide to quit your Blog, let me know, and I’ll be your “ghost” writter. No one will ever know we made the switch, except your Blog fans might wonder why you’re topics are all about Casino adventures!

  13. rach says:

    i said something similar to “use the force bitch” once, dressed up as darth vader with the super cool darth vader voice-changer helmet.

    and i weren’t drunk neither.

    good thing it was halloween.

    i can lend the costume to you if you plan on having another drunken rage moment.

  14. James says:

    Way to SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF ME. Dont DO that. *shudders*

  15. Pauly D says:

    I’m embarrassed to say I loved the Star Wars Lego game. There’s nothing better than using the force to put together and take apart complicated lego creatures.

    And now the Original Trilogy? Booyah!

  16. Belinda says:

    Seriously. That first part? NOT. COOL. Jerk. Don’t you get how many people LIKE YOU? What a thoughtless putz you are! (Quite a dichotomy there, huh?)

    And in that last picture of Liz, she is obviously forming this statement: “YOU, Dave Simmer, You are my DESTINY. I don’t care how you get here, just get here. NOW.”

    Is that how the show went? Were the models and designers shocked? Are the media calling to find out who this Dave fellow is?

  17. jenny says:

    Ever since you gave birth to Dot, you’ve really become emotionally manipulative. Our feelings are not like little Star Wars Legos for you to play with!

    I yell because I care. :)

  18. Nicole says:

    While I do like sappy romantic comedies (for the most part) I think the only good thing about weepy, dramatic movies is making fun of them. And I totally don’t mind when people yell things out in the movie theatre as long as their cell phone doesn’t ring! There’s nothing I hate more then people incapable of at least putting their phone on silent. And it’s not like they could have missed the musical cartoon with the dancing popcorn kindly reminding them to turn it off.

  19. Cavan says:

    Dude! Your first paragraph started to make me all weepy.

    I mean, would life even be living without Blogography? Where would I turn for pictures of Elizabeth Hurley’s cleavage? Who would stand up for the fauxs?

    Hey, what’s the plural of faux, anyway?

  20. Charred says:

    Bastard.

    Don’t do that ever again. :P

  21. Ben says:

    My play by play commentary:

    This will be my last entry at Blogography. This morning I got an offer to write material at a commercial blog FOR MONEY and, since I am barely capable of writing one thing each day, I’m afraid that Blogography will be shut down for the foreseeable future.

    Lies I tell you! Lies!

    Oh… wait a minute… I got that backwards. I REFUSED the offer because I am barely able to write one thing each day, and I am not ready to give up my blog just yet. Yes… yes, I’m sure that’s how it went. But still, that’s kind of flattering isn’t it? Somebody found my crappy blog entertaining enough to want to pay me actual money to write stuff. Strange.

    I’d pay you money, or peanuts. Actually the budget only allows for carob buds. And truth be told, they ain’t nice.

    Anyway, the latest Project Catwalk finally hit, and Liz was her usual brutally hot self. A double-vision in magenta…

    Liz has four magenta boobs? I always suspected as much.

    On the way to work in the rain this morning I needed to stop at the mini mart to pick up some cheese popcorn. Hey, I woke up craving cheese popcorn and far be it for me to deny myself anything. When I arrived, there was a guy in a dirty coat standing soaking-wet in the middle of the parking area. As I pulled up and got out of my car, the guy came right up to me and without hesitation said: “I really need a drink, do you have a couple of bucks?”

    Wow, he was honest. Where I live there aren’t many homeless people, I’d proberly be shocked if he came up to me, and just scream and kick him, and then run away.

    The reason I don’t hand out money has already been documented (here, in a very special episode of Blogography), so I told him that while I cannot give cash, I’d be happy to buy him a breakfast burrito and a coffee if he was hungry. “Burrito? I don’t want a burrito! I need a drink!” After explaining that this wasn’t going to happen, I fully expected that he would take me up on my offer, but instead he said “aaaah, keep your damn burrito!” and walked off into the rain.

    Well, you have to save your money to build your theme park somehow. Also, money might help in the getting to Australia process. But seriously, Breakfast Burritos sound either really nice, or like that taste like donkey-butt. And when you say coffee, are you talking black coffee, or a Grande Soy Latte?

    If only I had the discipline to become a wandering alcoholic. I mean, I always have such a great time while drunk, so it must be like a non-stop party (at least until you run out of booze money like that poor bastard). Meagan called once I had bought my cheese popcorn and, after I told her about my random encounter, had to remind me that being drunk in public is not the best career move for me…

    Unless you’re Kate Moss, being drunk is generally not a good career move. Was Meagan somehow physically linked to the cheese popcorn?

    Years ago while she was still living in Portland, I had gone down for work and we hooked up for a night on the town with her brother and his partner. Many alcoholic beverages were consumed before we finally decided to go to the movies. It was one of these weepy drama flicks that only women and gay men can enjoy, but I was totally drunk and didn’t care what they wanted to watch. Turns out that was a mistake, because I was bored… bored… bored.

    I haven’t been to the movies for such a long time. I really should go, one of these days.

    So bored that I did something bad.

    Joined a gang? Learnt how to sing, and then knocked down a fruit stand? Put the toilet paper in the holder with the loose bit facing the wall. That’s really bad.

    There was this dramatic scene in the film where some daft bitch wasn’t watching her daughter and the little girl wandered off and got trapped somehow. The woman struggled valiantly to reach the girl, but she couldn’t. There were all these dramatic close-up shots of their hands almost touching, but not quite.

    How long ago was this?

    The woman in the movie cried.

    Tears are salty.

    The little girl in the movie cried.

    It wasn’t Dakota Fanning was it? She’s the little girl in every movie.

    The audience cried.

    Poor audience.

    I just screamed “USE THE FORCE, BITCH!!”

    Hah! That would have made a much better movie.

    In my defense, it did work for Luke when that abominable snow monster hung him up-side-down in the ice cave and he could almost touch his light saber.

    The mother should be replaced by Darth Vader. He would never cry.

    There were a couple of big laughs in the audience (presumably those few straight guys who had been forced to watch this pile of crap by their girlfriends), but overall my helpful comment was not well-received by my fellow movie-goers. I really don’t blame them. I hate it when some dumbass ruins the film for everybody… it just so happens that this time the dumbass was me.

    But you where drunk! Surely they understood that.

    When a woman left the theater, I knew she was going to get the manager, so I told my posse I was going back to the bar before I got tossed out and they could just come get me after the movie was over. Much to my surprise, they actually did come and get me.

    Did you draw your pistols, high noon style?

    So perhaps Meagan is right. If social drinking is this difficult for me, maybe this isn’t a good career move?

    I think you should give it a whirl.

    Oooh, look! It’s another picture of Elizabeth Hurley!!

    I wonder if she has your name on a blacklist somewhere. ;)

    Oh yeah, speaking of The Force… my fellow Lego Star Wars video game lovers will be happy to know that IGN is running a production diary for the sequel over at their site. How cool is that? I guess it’s time I renew my IGN Insider membership. All I know is that I cannot WAIT for this game to be released…

    I hate sites that make you pay for their shtick.

    Awww… isn’t little Lego Darth Vader cute as he chokes that little Lego Rebel Alliance soldier?

    Very. :)

  22. Dave2 says:

    Ben’s going to be taking over the writing duties on my blog from now on. :-)

  23. Dave2 says:

    Okay… okay… okay…

    I’m sorry I upset everybody, but I honestly did not anticipate such a reaction. I just sat down to create an entry like I always do, and that’s what came out. That’s just how I write… I don’t think or edit… I just do.

    So for all the comments and emails from upset people, I’m sorry.

    And for those that asked, no, I am not going to reveal the blog that asked me. Suffice to say I would have been writing a “technology humor” column. It was a wonderful opportunity, and I would have loved to do it… but it would have meant giving up Blogography (because I just don’t have time for both), and that was something I didn’t want to do just now.

    As for the future, who knows? I’m not going to lie and say that if somebody puts a big pile of money in my face and asked me to write for them that I would refuse… but the odds of that are so unlikely that I’m fairly confident Blogography will continue for quite a while. At least until my Blogiversary celebration in April.

    :-)

  24. Art says:

    Laughed my f#%kin ass off at “use the force bitch”. Lemme guess you were watching the movie that won an Academy award that year.

  25. Dave2 says:

    I don’t know what the heck it was… I think it was some kind of indie art-house flick or something.

    All I do remember is that there was NO laughs, NO action, NO explosions, NO kicking of asses, NO Elizabeth Hurley… you know… all the things that make a movie worth watching. I should have never walked into that theater.

  26. Mooselet says:

    Mate, if you EVER do that to me again I’ll… I’ll… well I’m sure I can come up with something that will make you stop torturing us so. I’m a mother, you know!

    And you gave up money to continue to write for us?? That is so sweet – how much Coke with Lime would you like me to send you? Or when you do get over to Australia, come to Brisbane and I’ll shout you all the drinks you want… or a couple of bucks worth, whichever comes first.

    “Use the Force, Bitch!” HA! Classic. I wouldn’t have turned you in, I’d be laughing. But I don’t do chick flicks very often, and when I do it’s the privacy of my own home so no one will see me sniffle.

  27. ” so unlikely that I’m fairly confident Blogography will continue for quite a while. At least until my Blogiversary celebration in April.”

    See, that’s the bit that had me thinking you might actually stop with this Blogography madness – I think at once point a couple months ago you mentioned something about having reached your post quota, or something to that effect? Anyway.

    I would seriously, seriously miss you if you left.
    And demand a copy of your archieves, just in case the site ever came down completely. Because Blogography legitimately comes up in conversation sometimes. Really.

    And the “use the force” thing is way funny, and completely something that my friends would do. While I cowered under a pile of coats.

  28. delmer says:

    Use the Force, Bitch!

    I laughed out loud.

    (And speaking of LOL, in a manner, maybe, with you driving it, “Use the Force, Bitch” could be shortened to UTFB and put into common, everyday use on the Internets.)

  29. Peggy Archer says:

    Jesus, Dave – you scared the hell out of me for a minute.

    If you stop the blog, you’ll just have to send me a witty email EVERY SINGLE DAY, so you may as well keep the blog.

  30. Whew, you had me worried there for a minute, you cannot leave!!

    I love your graphics, I really want one…:)

    Jam

  31. nic says:

    Reading your blog is part of my daily routine and I thought, for a minute there, I was off the hook.

    But noooooo …

  32. nic says:

    I have been commended for my honesty when panhandling. I have accepted food and then when offered beverage, simply ask if I can have the beverage of my choice. Not a problem. It just has to be done in the right manner. I mean, we all have to eat. Take the food!

  33. nic says:

    This will be my last comment at Blogography.

    Oh, wait! I changed my mind.

    (how do YOU like it?)

  34. Michelle YBF says:

    Hmm, hopefully that wasn’t my cousin Eric…

  35. jube jubes says:

    Dude, wtf?????
    you had me scared shitless there for a minute!!!!! don’t ever stop bloging. ever. never-ever.

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