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Posted on Monday, January 23rd, 2006

Dave!The blogosphere is abuzz with the story of how the government wants Google to hand over search records so they can see how often porn is returned in the search results. Apparently having this information will protect kids from internet porn, which is much like trying to protect orange juice from being the color orange. Of course Google is going to sometimes return porn in search results because 90% of the internet IS PORN! Oh well, it's not like we've got health care and unemployment problems to worry about. Watching people's kids so parents don't have to bother is so much more important.

But after the government gets a look at the porn we're searching for... what's next?

I worry that Homeland Security will start wanting Google search records next. Not because I have anything to hide, but because search records are not always what they seem.

For example. I LOATHE Jared Fogle the Subway Sandwich whore.

Every time I hear how Jared "inspires people to eat better and lose weight with Subway Sandwiches" I want him dead. Because all he really does is inspire sales of Subway Sandwiches from people too stupid to understand what a fraud he is. Do you know why he chose Subway when he decided to try and lose weight? Because it was next door to his apartment. It was convenient. It's not like he went out and did a bunch of restaurant research for his diet. He was a lazy turd that ate at Subway because it was closest to where he lived.

He could have had salads at McDonalds and lost weight. He could have had sandwiches at Quiznos and lost weight. He could have eaten ANYWHERE and lost weight if he made healthier menu choices. There is nothing magical about Subways... it was because he decided to stop eating mass quantities of high-fat foods that he lost the weight. I could go into Subway twice a day and order up a sandwich loaded with extra cheese and a bunch of sauces and mayonnaise and GAIN weight. But you won't see a commercial for that. Does it really take Jared the Subway whore to tell people that eating a veggie sandwich with no cheese instead of three Big Macs will make you lose weight? Well, DUH! It's just common sense! When are people going to realize that Jared is not this altruistic prophet here to help you... HE'S JUST A WHORE SELLING SANDWICHES FOR MONEY! It's his JOB.

So that's why when I see commercials with Jared comparing a veggie sandwich with no cheese to a Big Mac, and telling people that they should eat at Subways because it's so much healthier... I want him dead. Why not compare a veggie sandwich to an Arby's SALAD you stupid f#@%?

And because I loathe Jared so badly, much of my free time is spent fantasizing of ways the whore can die. Sometimes it's pretty basic... I just walk up to the dumbass with a gun and shoot him or something...

Die Jared Die!
Jared says: "I am such a whore that even I hate me!"

But on days where he is really pissing me off (like he comes out with a new idiotic Subways commercial), just shooting him isn't good enough. I want something much more elaborate and painful.

And that takes a lot of Google research.

Because it's not like I know how much battery acid it takes to melt somebody's head... I have to Google it. And when I need to know if it's possible to drown somebody in low-fat mustard... I have to Google it. If I am curious as to how many volts it takes to electrocute somebody through their testicles... I have to Google it. All this stuff has to be researched.

And what happens if Homeland Security sees this stuff that I'm Googling, decides that I'm some kind of sadistic terrorist, and then ships me off to have MY testicles electrocuted??

That would be bad.

Not to mention grossly unfair, because getting rid of Jared is more like a public service than an act of terrorism.

Anyway, that's why I think that Google shouldn't have to hand over any records. It can only lead to innocent people like me being shocked in their balls.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to find out if low-fat turkey slices are still flammable once they've been shoved up somebody's ass.

Categories: DaveLife 2006, DaveToons 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. Kevin says:

    Homeland Security has their priorities all FUBARd. They need guys like you on staff full-time and paid to inform them of what us common folk really need to make our lives easier.

    I do love Subway, but am not a Jared fan in any way, shape, or form. So kill away, my friend. Electrocute his beans. Drown him in chipotle mustard. Slather him with Subway’s special BBQ sauce and set him free in a colony of hungry lepers.

    But know, if this were a pure kapgarocracy, that your actions would be both protected and condoned.

  2. Fnqueen says:

    Jared the sandwich whore. Ha! That is hilarious.
    I can’t stand the “sub junkie”. I’ve thought about tying him up to a chair and beating him with that huge party sub they always have hanging up above the counter! 😉

  3. Troy says:

    Dear Americans,

    Your government is kind of screwed up in the head.


    P.S. The Canadian government may be screwed up as well after our election today so this post may be “the pot calling the kettle black”, whatever the crap that means!

  4. Dave2 says:

    Here’s hoping that you at least get to keep your strip clubs after the election. Ever since Seattle decided to protect us from public display of boobies, Vancouver is the closest place we’ve got!

  5. Melissa says:

    I f#@%ing hate Jared Fogle. He makes me want to kick him in the throat every time I see him. I’m so glad to know you feel the same way. What an asshat.

  6. rach says:

    i think we can all pretty much agree that he’s a waste of skin. i’m all for ridding the world of jared fogle.

    and you gotta wonder why his stupid story is listed under “menu/nutrition” on the subway website.

  7. Sayuri says:

    I wish I knew who Jared Fogle was so I could hate him too. It seems like a nice club to belong to!

  8. Lisa says:

    I hate Jared even more now, because he keeps smiling even when you shoot him. Grrr….

  9. jeremy says:

    ::90% of the internet IS PORN!::

    And thank Jesus for it.

  10. Randy says:

    I know how to fix them. Everyone in the whole US could all agree to search for porn on google 24/7. This would really confuse them…and maybe it would make their porn filter-searchers blow-up right in their faces.

    As for Jarod, it looks like he has been packing it on lately. The tv shots I see are only from the chest up. His days as a subway-diet guy might be numbered…

  11. Dave2 says:

    I think the reason they shoot him from the waist-up is because it takes huge balls to be able to get up an attribute weight loss to eating a sandwich.

    In fact, it takes such huge-ass balls that they can’t fit them into the shot, so they just crop them out.

  12. Patrick says:

    The weirdest thing is probably that even I here in far away la Suède have heard of that guy Jared. And come to think of it – I don’t like him that much either even though I don’t have to put up with him at all, actually.

  13. cotton says:

    omg this post is freaking hilarious!! you should put it up among your classics! =D

  14. Used Hack says:

    After his first round of commercials, and before he signed a big contract with Subway, I heard Jared doing a radio interview.

    I actually heard him say, “I’m not here to talk about Subway. I’ve got a lot of other things going on in my life.”

    Oh, yeah. I’m sure those other things make him a top-notch interview guest around the world.

    “So, Jared, I hear you have quite the Star Wars figurine collection?”

  15. delmer says:

    And, if you wanted to expose Jared to so much porn it would give him a case of blue balls so bad it would kill him and you had to Google for it … well, the search results would not only return to you but a copy would pop up on W’s desk — if the government has its way.

    With Jared’s extra big balls, it might take a lot of porn. Stormtroopers would probably bust through your door before his nuts busted.

    (I’m not really a Jared hater. Just going with the flow.)

    (Maybe W’s too stupid to find his own porn. Or he’s unhappy with the quality of the porn he finds. Maybe this whole thing is just his way of asking the world the help him find better porn.)

  16. ChillyWilly says:

    Subway Jared’s 15 months of fame are over. Subway can do ok on their own now.

    As for salads at McD’s, they actually have more calories than a Big Mac or Quarter Pounder. Their little chart they have displayed in their restaurants shows some interesting details. Skip the dressing and you’ve got a healthy meal… but of course, what fun is that.

  17. jube jubes says:

    I agree w/ Sayuri, hating people IS fun.
    I think I have heard of his Jared guy; he always vaguely annoyed me, but i would never have guessed that I wasn’t alone in my quest to have his balls for cat toys.
    So thanks for brodening my horizons!! %)

  18. Romani says:

    Jared…Well have you seen WTF they serve for breakfast there?!
    Biscuts with gravy,Cinnamon Rolls,and biscuts and eggs.
    THEY never tout their dirty little secret of breakfast!
    At least John Lovits is fat and proud of it.
    lol What got me were the older commercials where he wouldnt say anything.
    Just acting like a dumbass.
    Recalls the one where the bimbo girls tell him he looks buff…
    He always dresses like a total pudwhacker…
    I think Billy Blanks wasnt as annoying as Jared..

  19. Jack says:


  20. T-Bone says:

    I don’t like Jared. Look at him, with that smug look on his face. You know why he has that smug look? He got that when he was doing that commercial on TV on the beach, and those chicks walked by, and they were all like “looking good Jared!” Man, those chicks were hot, and Jared isn’t hot! Subway bought those chicks out too.

    First of all, Jared does not look good. Jared is still fat, but much less fat than he was before. OK, the guy lost 225 lbs. Hey, you know, way to go Jared. The guy ate nothing but veggie and turkey subs for a year. But I surmise that the plot is a bit more complex than that:

    Jared was tipping the scale at 425 lbs. There was a subway within waddling distance of his apartment. So, one day, he’s too lazy to make himself a sandwich, so he huffs on over to subway. He’s really poor, because he’s still in college, so he gets the cheapest sub he can find: Veggie. Later, he figures “Hey, I’m still lazy, so I’m going to go back and have them make me a turkey sub.” After he dropped the first hundred pounds or so he started walking. Now, walking, in and of itself, implies going above and beyond normal daily walking. For Jared, this meant just normal daily walking. The guy put in 1.5 miles a day. Most of the people I know will walk 1.5 miles by accident in a day. C’mon guys, it’s a little misleading.

    After a while, the guy drops 225 lbs. Subway pretty much purchases his identity and allows them to exploit every facet of his life. Subway even tells Jared who his friends are gonna be (Friends of Jared Club). The guy can’t even speak his lines coherently on the commercials.

    “There are a lot of (pause) other subs (pause) that I like (pause) too.”

    And because Jared sold out, there are boatloads of reformed fat people (many of whom are still rather chunky but are collecting a paycheck) who are standing in line to sell out. Jared, look at what you have done. Have you no soul, or did you trade it to the subway corporation for a handful of veggie subs?
    So, If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m not too fond of Jared. If you have seen the latest commercial, it appears that someone has actually married his lazy ass. It must have been some sort of trick, because no-one would ever marry that man out of their own free will. I am willing to bet that Jared used his prowess as the Subway Diet inventor to lure unsuspecting fat girls into his secret lair. He probably dug a pit (but probably hired someone else to dig the pit), and put a bunch of subs in it, and the fat girls probably ran in thinking, “Hey, Free Food!” Then Jared pulls the ladder out, and boom, the fat girls are trapped. See, this is where the plot thickens, because he can just starve these fat girls until they are skinny, and then marry the last one standing. Jared, have you no shame?!

  21. blq says:

    I’m from Australia and we have had to endure ‘the subway whore’ downunder too. Dirty little bastard he is. I could never really settle for the right words for this cretan, nor get proper support for my hatred of him, until I stumbled onto your site.
    Thank you for the ‘fellowship’. I have felt so alone until now. What a putrid capitalist scum he is for making me feel this way. Once upon a time the fat fuck would have sold his dear mother for a Subway sandwich. Now he sells his humanity for a few bucks.
    Now, although the torture suggestions offered so far, are quite satisfactory, I feel salt is the missing element! If we were to truss him up like a pig, take an eye out with a drill, and fill the hole with salt we would start to get the effect we are looking for. Once the screams have died down a little, take the same drill with another pinch of salt, and do an ear. Just the one now, as you still want the bastard to hear you tear through his ball bag with, you guessed it, the drill and the salt!
    An ear out of action, an eye sitting on the table in front of him, and a nut sack filled to the brim with salt, we start with some of the suggestions above.

  22. blq says:

    I am afraid I have a new tale of terror to add to this Subway invasion of the sluts.
    We have adopted a whore of our own in my dear Australia, yes we have.
    The ex-mass consumer of foods goes by the name of Adro and he was the fat f#$k that took out Australia’s first biggest looser.(I must declare here , I do like that show, but in a stop and have a macabre look at the traffic accident kind of way.)
    Now If this basted was tattooed with colored pictures he’d have enough loose skin to wrap the kids x-mass presents, yet they have this saggy titted freak that has no connection to Subway at all, outside of once being the size of a large unattractive bus, trying his darnedest to entice me into the Subway range.
    The fuckers enough to put me off a sandwich, certainly doesn’t stimulate me taste buds, but there he is plain as day whoring the roll for the Subway man.
    No looking back to the roots of oppression from which he came. No thoughts of the days of being rolled around the playground and the taunt of all school hood jokes. No, none of these things are remembered. The deflated balloon is prepared to make my children follow his fast food path.
    You really know your community is failing when they can work a fat f##k to the bone on reality TV then sell him off to a fast food chain for weight loss tips.

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