"I never meant to hurt you" she said as she turned and walked to the door. "I never meant to hurt anybody."
And she was gone.
A part of me wanted to believe her, but rational thought eventually triumphed. In truth, she probably didn't set out to hurt me. She just didn't care. That's all that really mattered, but my mind surged onward in hopes of finding deeper meaning where none existed. My hand instinctively wandered up to my chest in a sad attempt to feel if my heart were broken. Again. Breathing deeply now, all I feel is the scar tissue of past traumas. A little battered... a bit bruised perhaps... but life beats on.
Time passes yet I sit unmoving. Let the world run forward into its uncertain future, I will have none of it.
Here in the past I am safe.
This pain will heal. Eventually. Why should I seek out a new heartache to replace it?
Shouldn't I be more careful?
Shouldn't this be enough?
I wonder if that girl from the mini-mart is seeing anybody?
Dave's Crappy Life Journal — 1993
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reminds me of the kind of hurt that keeps love at arm’s length ever after
Sadistic bitches you dated, huh? Well, fuck her and the disease-infested horse she rode in on.
Wanna date? ::wink::
As cliche as this sounds, I would have told Dave in 1993 that although the past is “safe”, I prefer the future because change is (pretty much) inevitable and the unknown is always scary yet exciting.
Hmmm I think in 1993 my journal went something like “Guys suck.” Heh.
(Did you ask out the girl from the mini mart?!)
taco salad….not because I don’t know what to say but rather because it’s something I’d rather not plaster all over your blog. 🙂
I love journals. If 1993 Dave had known 1993 Jenny, we would have been wearing berets and writing sad poetry and listening to Sinead O’Connor mix tapes, and it all would’ve been all right.
Pee ess – I forgot to mention that I like it when you open up like this. It makes me PPH you even more!
Mew… For me, that had already happened years earlier. 🙁
Robin… 1993 Dave had no choice but to move forward. The future only leaves you behind when you’re dead. 🙂
Kyra… Things haven’t changed much since 1993, have they? 😀
Sybil… No. Mini-Mart Girl was way too classy for a guy like me! She had a French manicure, for heaven’s sake! 😉
Hilly… That’s okay. I like a good taco salad from time to time. :-
Jenny… Well I DO look mighty sharp in a beret. Good thing, because I believe a beret was part of the required uniform for writing bad poetry pre-2000. B-)
Hilly… It doesn’t really feel like opening up though because it was so long ago. Perspective is funny that way. 😛
For a minute there I was like WHO IS WRITING THIS? Because it’s not your normal blog fodder.
1993 was a good year for heartbreak as I recall.
Oh boy. The pain of life’s living. It sucks bad sometimes… I wish you whatever it takes to (eventually) clear the clutter from your mind and heart.
Well, I can’t read something so personal and heartfelt, and NOT leave a comment (I don’t get how people can do that.) I’ve been checking in here from time to time but I’ve never left a comment because I’m…ssshhh…a “mommy blogger!” We probably run in different circles (yours are probably the exciting, world traveling type; mine? more like the sleep deprived type!) Anyway, I feel for 1993 Dave. Back then I’m not sure I would’ve believed a guy could actually get his heart broken and I for sure wouldn’t have been empathetic (but I was 21 back then and thought I had it all figured out.) I hope the 2009 Dave is in a better place with the ladies. 🙂
Let’s see, my 1985 had a similar heart-ripping experience. As I’m a bit older than you these events would have happened at similar points in our lives.
Based on my experience, your heart-ripper will friend you on Facebook in four to six years.
Cue this music:
Paaaa, papapa paaaa pa papa papa pa pa la la lalalalaaaaa.
Wow, 1993 Kevin was still in England and couldn’t have possibly imagined the life the 2009 Kevin now has. Never in a million years. Funny how life turns out.
I heard the girl from the mini-mart was seeing everybody, so be careful with her.
Man, bitches ain’t shit.
To quote a song: “Que Sera, Sera… Whatever Will Be, Will Be” But seriously, who can be sad when Doris Day is singing?
dude. getting crushed is of benefit to everyone.
but, this life you lead with all the fantastic photos, i am not sure there would be room to sustain a fantastic primary relationship.
but, let that be the reason you stay selfish.
not because some chick stomped on your heart.
the latter not the former would make you a sissy boy.
1993? Oh man…my journal would have been filled w/ all sorts of Angst.
And it’s totally worth it as long as you’re not dating psychotic bitches. 🙂
Haven’t we all been in this place sometime in our life? Thanks for sharing.
Did you go from 5% gay to 20% that year?
My 1993 journal segment probably read, “Physics final today! Gah!”