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Cosmic Thing

Posted on December 10th, 2019

Dave!A while ago I was at the store and saw that the University of Washington Tree Fruit Program's hotly anticipated new apple, the Cosmic Crisp, was available! How exciting! And then... the price tag... THREE DOLLARS AND FORTY-NINE CENTS A POUND?!? This was so outrageous a cost for an apple that I was looking to see if it came with a free gold brick or something. But nope! THREE DOLLARS AND FORTY-NINE CENTS A POUND!

Too rich for my blood. I think 88¢ a pound for apples is extravagant. I took a pass.

But when I went to the store yesterday, they were "only" $2.99 a pound. Which is insane. But I bought one... a single apple at a $1.52 cost... just to give them a try.

As I was walking out to the parking lot it occured to me that they probably released them at a crazy $3.49 a pound so that everybody would think that $2.99 a pound was sane by comparison and buy them. Genius. It sure worked on me.

Here is what the Cosmic Crisp looks like, from a glamorshot photo on the University of Washington website...

It's pretty. A deep red, but not so deep it doesn't register as red.

There are a few things I've learned about the apple...

  • The University of Washington has strict controls in place as to who can grow a Cosmic Crisp. Namely, only orchards located in Washington State. For now, I'd imagine.
  • This is a Franken-apple hybrid between Honeycrisp and Enterprise varieties. Honeycrisp is a delicious, popular multi-use apple that's flavorful and nicely crispy but is expensive and difficult to grow, tough to store and ship, and damages easily thanks to its delicate thin skin. Enterprise is the opposite of all that. Cosmic Crisp is supposed to have the taste of a Honeycrisp but the toughness and ease of growing of an Enterprise.
  • The apple was so impressive to orchardists that 12 million trees were bought and planted at a rapid pace.
  • One of the reasons that the apple is so impressive is that it can stay fresh for a year in storage. It also browns slower than most.

But whatever. How does my $1.52 apple taste?

Pretty good. Though I don't get Honeycrisp out of it. It has more of a Winesap slant. Tart with a bit of sweetness... with a really crispy snap to it. For snacking I don't like it as well as the Pink Lady (AKA Cripps Pink, an Australian import) or Honeycrisp, but it's a shit-ton better than crappy Red Delicious apples, which are not so delicious (I'd argue they're mostly tasteless).

I have no idea how Cosmic Crisp cooks up. I can't afford to make a $10.50 apple pie. I'd guess they're fine. For pies I prefer Pink Lady (when they are on sale) or Granny Smith. For apple crisp I prefer Braeburn. For applesauce I like Golden Delicious or Gravenstein. Yet I almost always end up with Fuji because they are generally the apple that's on sale. And that's fine. Fuji are good for snacking and make decent pies and dessert.

I won't buy Red Delicious for 5¢ a pound. I have no clue why they are still grown.

And I sure as heck won't buy Cosmic Crisp until the price drops way, way lower than it is now.

   

McPie

Posted on April 7th, 2010

Dave!I've been thinking a lot about pie recently.

It all started when I went through the McDonald's drive-thru last week and wanted something to eat with my French fries. As I read through the menu looking for non-meat options, I landed on the McDonald's apple pie and felt my heart sink. McDonalds' apple pie sucks ass. Compared to my grandmother's apple pie, all apple pies suck ass... but McDonald's is a new low in apple pie suckage. Especially since they switched to their awful "baked" pies in 1992. Prior to that, their pies at least had the benefit of a crispy goodness that can only come from deep-fat-frying.

I ended up getting a OREO Cookie McFlurry with my fries because I just couldn't handle the disappointment.

But my longing for deep-fried fast-food pie has lingered.

Mostly because I know that most foreign countries have McDonalds that serve fried pies. I've had fried McPie in Hong Kong, France, Italy, Japan, Ireland, Spain, and other countries too. Never mind that McDonalds was Made in America, foreign countries get the good pie.

Why Americans suffer in silence.

BUT I CAN BE SILENT NO MORE! I WANT FRIED McPIE BACK IN AMERICA!!

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey with a McDonald's Fried Pie.

I don't care about health care reform or tax spending or national debt or any of that long-term crap anymore. All I care about is fried McPies for the American people NOW.

I realize that McDonald's probably started baking their pies out of some kind of misguided attempt to create something healthier to eat... but people don't go to McDonalds to eat healthy, and they certainly don't order pie for the health benefits. So let's cut all the pretentious bullshit and people what they want.

McDonalds owes us that much.

McDonalds owes us fried McPie.

   

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