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Posted on Monday, February 11th, 2008

Dave!When a fellow employee sees you coming out of the bathroom with a camera and a ruler, how exactly do you explain it?

I only ask, because my initial declaration of "this is not what it looks like" seemed wholly inadequate given the situation. In fact, I think it pretty much confirmed in their mind that it was exactly what it looked like. Even worse, I don't think that I managed to convince myself it wasn't what it looked like.

The truth, of course, was far less exciting than anything the imagination could dream up. I was photographing some machine parts... needed a ruler in the shot to show scale... and sliced my thumb open with a piece of cardboard I was using to block sunlight. I just wanted to wash the dirt out of my cut so I wouldn't get an infection. Since the bathroom was on my way back to my office, I just took the ruler and camera with me. Simple.

Except now everybody around the office is probably thinking that I'm measuring my progress with some penis enlargement pills I bought on the internet...

Dave Measure

And in other news of the day...

Dave Fuck

Guess who got YET ANOTHER JURY SUMMONS in the mail?

Here's a clue...

Dave Me

Yes, that's right! ME!

Last time I was on a trial, it was a colossal waste of time. Everybody on the jury knew the defendant had probably committed the crime, but there was no way we could find the guy guilty. How can you prosecute somebody for drunk driving when there was no breathalyzer test and the officer who pulled him over let him drive home after he was stopped? Oh... and the evidence in the case? The officer said the driver made an "oh shit face" as he rounded the corner and saw his police car sitting there. Yes, THAT'S what was worth wasting an entire day of my time. I was so pissed that this lame shit was ever brought to trial that I very nearly choked the prosecutor to death with my bare hands.

But what's even worse than serving on a trial is wasting two weeks calling in to see if they even need you for a trial.

As I said just two years ago, I don't even have time to take two weeks of vacation each year... yet I'm expected to block out this time for jury duty?

And yet there are people I know who haven't been summoned in over ten years.

Somehow, me and my giant penis are just that fucking lucky.

Categories: DaveLife 2008Click To It: Permalink


  1. apricoco says:

    i’ve been a registered voter for over 12 years now. Not one jury summons. Not one in my whole life. I’m almost a little depressed about it really. I mean, don’t they want me? Don’t they think I’m good enough? Sigh…

  2. turnbaby says:

    LOLOL I soooo needed a laugh. Dude when I was a Public Defender I had to struggle to get out of jury duty even though I would have loved to have been on one.

    and I hope your penis measuring experiment goes well 😉

  3. adena says:

    Oh, I can imagine the rumors that are already circulating….

    And, I can totally imagine the deer-in-headlights “This isn’t what you think” moment!


  4. bogup says:

    I don’t suppose sending a picture of your private parts, alongside a ruler, to the the court could get you out of jury duty… just a thought.

  5. Karl says:

    Damn, dude, you must have done something wrong in a past life. I’ve only been summoned once – around 10 years ago – and after a day of wasted time, they didn’t pick me. Service done.

  6. sizzle says:

    maybe your giant penis is took up all the luck you’d ever get? no one can be THAT lucky to have a giant penis and avoid jury duty. come on!


  7. Lil Dave’s butt cheeks are way cute in this illo. 😀

    I like getting jury summonses…summons’…err.. a jury summons in the mail. It gives me something to do while I’m unemployed. You want me to go and pretend I’m you? I’ll totally do it. heh

  8. kaelb says:

    At least you didn’t try to explain and say that you were using the ruler as a reference for scale. Or that you were photographing parts.

  9. Your unique world view (which you are kind enough to share with us daily 🙂 shows us that you are kindly,easy going, non-judgmental, even handed… a lover of all humankind, generous of heart and charitable of soul, never one to unduly criticize your fellow man nor prone to explosive rants condemning people for minor social infractions….which is no doubt why they want you for more jury duty. 😉
    PS – You and bad monkey in the bathroom measuring ‘stuff’ may well be one of my favourite Davetoons ever!

  10. Neil T. says:

    Do you guys get compensated for jury service? I know that in England and Wales you get sent claim forms for loss of earnings if you have to take time off work and they usually re-imburse you.

    Never done jury service myself but my Dad has. It was a colossal waste of time too, the defendant basically dug himself into a hole and changed his plea to guilty.

  11. martin says:

    I hope when you were seen leaving the bathroom you had a smug grin on your face,and that it was a yard stick. As to the jury service, I have had that too. Two weeks of sitting around eating stale sandwiches and drinking weak coffee.

  12. Mr. Fabulous says:

    If anyone at your work wants to know how long your penis is, they can always just ask me.

  13. kapgar says:

    Well at least you weren’t sequestered for several weeks for the “Oh Shit Face” trial. I guess you could call that your silver lining. 😉

  14. Avitable says:

    Just send your penis to jury duty in your place.

  15. Bec says:

    ow am I supposed to get through the work day with your massive penis on my mind?!

  16. Hilly says:

    Look at Lil Dave’s little tooshie! How cute…that picture made my morning much better as I was sitting here contemplating the sure to be crap-fest day that lies ahead!

    Me and my giant penis have only been summoned once in 18 years! Gulp, now I feel old ;).

  17. Meg says:

    I just got out of jury duty–I’m off for all of 2008! The key is to have more small children than you know what to do with, and no family in town to help you shuttle said children to and from preschool/kindergarten/dance lessons/etc.

    Although I hate to give up the $9.00 a day…

    And on a final black bean chipotle burger note, the garden burger website still has them listed–now I’m going to go hunt for them at my local stores.

  18. Dave2 says:

    Apricoco… Consider yourself very, very lucky. I’ve been summoned lots of times and been on two trials… “Law & Order” it ain’t.

    Turnbaby… Wait a second… being a public defender means you get out of jury duty? Why was I not told this on career day?

    Adena… Yes. I was totally convincing, I’m sure.

    Bogup… It just might… but probably not in the way you think.

    Karl… Lucky bastard! Maybe I need to live in a bigger city?

    Sizzle… Yes, but just look at all the money I’ve had to spend on penis enlargement drugs! That’s lucky?

    KG… But of course they don’t call people who are unemployed… they call people who are so busy that they don’t even have time for vacation.

    Kaelb… Yes… there are always opportunities to make a bad situation worse. Usually I find them…

    Robyn… Bad monkey always carries around a camera and a ruler. Don’t ask me why. And especially don’t ask me where he hides them in all the other cartoons he appears in.

    Neil… Yes, there is compensation… if you can call it that. Compared to the money I lose by serving, I don’t know that I can really call what you get “compensation” though.

    Martin… Perhaps if I just explain that I automatically assume everybody is guilty and I intend to vote for hanging all defendants I’ll be better off?

    Mr. Fab… Yes, well, you’re hardly a reliable witness, are you?

    Kapgar… I honestly don’t know that there is ever really a “silver lining” to jury duty. Just degrees of suckitude.

    Avitable… Unfortunately, my penis insists I come along for the ride. Sometimes that’s a good thing.

    Bec… Try listening to the Macarena. Works for me.


    Meg… I see them on the site, but no store I’ve visited across Washington State has them. Could be they’re just no longer distributed in the West. WAAAAAHHH!

  19. Oh, sweetie. It’s OK. Just admit that you were measuring the penis and you’ll feel better about it! 🙂

    Oh, and? Jury duty? Been living in Georgia for 14 years now, never was called for jury duty. Have my 3rd kid, was a nursing mom, got called. You have to admit, they have “wonderful” timing.

  20. Why is it again that you did not use the “n” word, spew vile bigotry, and tell the world what a fanatical christian you were during voir dire?

    That’s what I do.

  21. Dustin says:

    Maybe the judicial system knows of your level headed and non-biased personality and that is why they continually call on you to uphold our nation’s laws. 🙂

    Either that or they’re hoping you’ll just go all vigilante from the jury box and dispense justice Dave style. You have to admit, it would save everyone a lot of time.

  22. Miss Britt says:

    I think the trick is to get yourself on a gov’t watch list.

    That’s always worked for me.

  23. Rick says:

    I do my best to get “interviewed” as quickly as possible and answer ANY question with, “If the preponderance of evidence indicates…”. One attorney or the other will object immediately and ask for a sidebar. See, if they left me finish that statement, I’ve polluted the entire jury pool, ‘cuz trials aren’t BASED on preponderance of evidence. Haven’t served on a jury yet.

  24. claire says:

    Lil’ Dave is shorter than I thought… or that urinal is huge!

    I’ve been called for jury duty a few times, but only had to show up (and then get dismissed) twice I think. Moving quite a bit helps. LA once sent me a summons 3 or 4 years after I’d left. It’s a testament to the post office that the letter even found me since I’d gone through 3-4 address changes in that time.

  25. Tracy Lynn says:

    Dude, it is so UNFAIR. I NEVER get called for jury duty, not once in my ENTIRE life. I’m starting to think it’s deliberate, like my name pops up and both sides are like, “Oh, not her, that bitch is CRAZY.”


  26. JamieSmitten says:

    I received a summons for jury duty in the mail today too! My 3rd in 12 years. On the plus side, nobody in the meeting witnessed me pulling out an extra sock which I found stuck inside the sleeve of my shirt at 3:45 p.m. My co-workers either think I’m deformed or never ever look at me.

  27. Iron Fist says:

    What if the case that came up for trial had to do with prosecuting a penis-enlargement pill spammer? You could probably get out of jury duty due to your bias against the defendant, and you could use this post as proof.

  28. iddly says:

    Marry me! Come to Australia!

  29. yellojkt says:

    My last jury duty lasted an entire afternoon, but I still got to keep the full twenty bucks.

  30. Lewis says:

    Well, as expected, I see that this post brought in the comments. Nice ass, is all I’ve got to say. The dimples are priceless. And it reminds me of my recent post on measuring my penis with friends in a travel trailer when we were kids. I’m sure you remember that Jesus doesn’t want us to be doing that.

  31. Patty says:

    Awwwww…come on now admit it, that’s really what you were doing in the bathroom. ha. Cute cartoon of you!
    I have never done jury duty….truth be told. Oh yes, got called but was out of the country once and the other time I had to take care of my child and would cost me too much in daycare. I will do my duty sometime. They will find me I’m sure.

  32. Penelope says:

    Oh that Lil Dave bottom is just too cute for words! I’m just itching to pinch it! Does that make me weird?

  33. Lisa says:

    Dude got one today too…ha ha ha ha. Oh, I’m sorry, it’s not funny. How come I keep getting called for jury duty, my number never comes up and I want to go?

  34. Well – your monkey’s already got the tools in hand, send him in for jury! I’m sure he’ll make everything O.K. LOL (too bad about jury duty, guy, esp because the case sounds ridiculous)

  35. stephen says:

    Dave, I’m laughing at you with a ruler in the bathroom. This is wrong on sooo many different levels.
    As for being summoned to be on the jury of any court, don’t you get paid for it? Where’s the problem?

  36. soy sauce says:

    Oh my goodness! Incredible article dude! Many thanks, However I am going through issues with your RSS.
    I don’t understand why I can’t subscribe to it. Is
    there anybody else having similar RSS problems?
    Anyone who knows the solution can you kindly respond? Thanks!!

    • Daver says:

      There are links in my sidebar for the RSS feed for both entries and comments. I just tested the entries feed and it seems they are working okay… current articles in the feed, anyway. What problems are you having?

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