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Posted on Friday, January 7th, 2011

Dave!"You obviously have no concept of how this works."

"And you obviously have no concept of how little I care."

When you are as massively intelligent as I am, nothing seems to make people happier than pointing out the things you don't know. Oh yes. It's not enough that I am burdened with genius-level intelligence beyond mere mortal's ability to fathom... I have to be punished for it as well.

The simple fact is that while my mind may be mind-bogglingly vast in its capacity for knowledge, there are some things that I just don't give a shit about, and have no desire to learn.

Like engine repair.

In all seriousness, I couldn't care less about how to fix a frickin' engine. When something goes wrong with my piece of shit car, I take it to the auto repair shop.

Problem solved.

Well, at least until the bill comes.

I mean, in general terms I get the concept. I understand the principle behind internal combustion and comprehend the physics which enable it to work. I know the various major components of an automotive engine and have a general idea as to what their function is. I even know a vague history of engine development thanks to a PBS special I watched years ago. But do I really have to know how to repair one? No. Do I even want to know how to repair one? Fuck no. There are trained professionals who already have that covered. I'm good.

And yet...

There are times it would be nice to know how to fix my damn car when shit happens. If for no other reason than I wouldn't have to endure the sheer glee from people who become overjoyed when they find out it's something I can't do. As in really can't do. Car doesn't start? Checking under the hood to confirm that the engine isn't missing is the extent of my ability to diagnose the problem. If the engine is present, then I've basically done all I can do... and I'm fine with that.

At least I am until some asshole tries to make me feel like I'm a complete failure at life because I don't understand how to determine a problem with the fuel injection system... or a dead starter... or a busted ignition coil... or whatever else the fuck causes these kind of things to happen.

Look, if you want some of science's most impossible questions answered, I'm your man.

So don't be giving me any shit because I have no desire to learn how to replace a bad injector or pinpoint issues with the electrical system, or recognize a bad ignition switch. I just don't deserve it.

Living on this backwards planet is punishment enough.

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Categories: DaveLife 2011Click To It: Permalink


  1. Pachinko Sid says:

    “Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to take you to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, ’cause I don’t.”

    couldn’t resist Marvin..

  2. MsBatman says:

    And this is why I am the one who writes the paychecks for the guys who spend all day fixing other people’s cars. I don’t know how to fix them, I don’t want to know how to fix them. I know how to write a check. Good enough for me. Oh and because I write their paychecks? My car is always fixed.

  3. Megan says:

    I’m always quick to point out that there are actual people whose job it is to fix cars. By remaining intentional ignorant of car repair, I am stimulating the local economy. You’re not a failure, you’re a fucking hero.

  4. Sarah says:

    Way to crush my belief that you know EVERYTHING. Geez.

  5. RW says:

    Oh… I LOVE jacking up know-best car mechanics as you describe. Especially when they are on the job, can’t answer me back, and have to behave because the boss is looking. Mwa ha ha…

  6. Fluffycat says:

    This is one of those subjects that makes me glad to be female because I don’t think that women are “expected” to know about cars the way men are. I can just take mine in and smile and hope I don’t get ripped off!

  7. claire says:

    Wow, who gives you a hard time about that? The mechanics?

    Car trouble is one of those things…. course nowadays with all the electronics in cars, there’s specialized equipment to diagnose a bunch of stuff. Also, most are so low to the ground that unless you have risers, you can’t get underneath.

    I used to want to know more car stuff, but the 1st time I got a flat tire, I couldn’t even get the lug nuts off. My dad had to jump on the tire iron (a lot) to get them to budge. So even though I knew in theory how to change it, the whole thing lost its appeal. I have a can of TireJack in my car, a cell, and AAA. The unexpected kindness of strangers has also come in handy though I don’t count on it.

  8. Invader_Stu says:

    In situations like this were something does not work I am always reminded of some deeply wise words of wisdom can help in these situations, “Have you tired turning it off and on yet?”

  9. Sounds like you need to find a new repair shop. We’re spoiled because my brother in law is a master mechanic and probably one of the nicest guys on the planet. If only you lived here.

  10. “Living on this backwards planet is punishment enough.”

    Is that from something or is it yours? Just want to know who to credit when I use it…

    • Dave2 says:

      It’s mine, so far as I know, but it wouldn’t shock me if somebody said it previously. It’s probably a fairly popular sentiment now-a-days. 🙂

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