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Screamers

Posted on Monday, June 19th, 2006

Dave!Is there anything worse than having to listen to screaming little girls first thing in the morning?

Apparently the irritating little bitches moved in nearby, because I'm forever hearing them running around screaming in that way that only little girls can. Bad enough I have to listen to this crap in the evenings... but in the morning too? If it wouldn't get me arrested, I'd run out and give them the slapping they so richly deserve.

Hey, if the parents aren't going to take care of it, somebody should.

And speaking of little bitches...

WAAAAAAAAAHH! I finally got to go to bed at 2:00am, and now I am being woken up at 5:30 by screaming girls!! AAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAHH! AAAAAAAAAAH! Kill me. kill me now. Whoa, wait a second... I think they just piled in a car and went screaming into the dawn. And now I am going to have bad karma all day because I was just now hoping they would crash into a tree and explode. And now I feel bad because if they really DO explode, my evil thoughts are probably responsible.

Of course, the up-side of exploding is that I wouldn't be woken up by screaming girls again.

This must be one of those moral dilemmas I've heard about.

Hey... I tried to post this entry and my internet is down! Wow. Karma works fast! Rebooting and all the regular stuff doesn't work, so let's call Verizon!

VERIZON: Welcome to Verizon! You've reached Verizon Internet Services! This call may be monitored for training purposes.
   
DAVE: Hey, thanks baby! You've got a really sexy voice!
   
VERIZON: Para EspaƱol, marque dos.
   
DAVE: Uhhh... what if I want English? Numero uno?!?
   
VERIZON: Please say the number on the account you are calling about.
   
DAVE: (says number)... thanks for asking!!
   
VERIZON: Which are you calling about tech support, your account, orders...
   
DAVE: Tech support. Which is a pleasant change from all those times I have to call with billing problems.
   
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I didn't understand. If you are calling for tech suppor...
   
DAVE: TECH SUPPORT!
   
VERIZON: Which kind of problem are you calling about? Connection problems, installation, email, or password reset.
   
DAVE: Connection problems. At least I am guessing it is a connection problem because while I AM connected to your router, I can't get connected to the internet.
   
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I didn't understand. For problems with your conn...
   
DAVE: CONNECTION!
   
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I didn't understand. For problems with your conn...
   
DAVE: CONNECTION YOU BITCH!! CONNECTION! CONNECTION! CONNECTION!!!!
   
VERIZON: Which are you running? Windows, Macintosh, or Another Operating System?
   
DAVE: Macintosh. That's how I am certain it's YOUR fault. If I was on a Windows machine, I'd be calling Microsoft first.
   
VERIZON: Have you tried rebooting your computer and your computer system?
   
DAVE: Yes. I also lit a candle and said a prayer to the internet gods. In a minute, I'm going to start chanting.
   
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I...
   
DAVE: YES!!
   
VERIZON: Okay then, would you like me to test the line for problems at your location?
   
DAVE: Why not. If it will keep me from having to talk to one of your sublimely helpful support personnel, I'm all for it.
   
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I...
   
DAVE: YES!!
   
VERIZON: Please hold while I test your line. This test can take as long as 60 seconds. I am running the test right now. BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BOOP BOOP BEEP...
   
DAVE: I haven't heard these kind of cheesy "computer sounds" since watching those old Star Trek episodes! SCOTTY, WE NEED WARP SPEED IN SIXTY SECONDS OR WE'RE ALL DEAD!! -- I CANNA DO IT CAPTAIN! I'M GIVEN YA EVERYTHING SHE'S GOT! -- DAMMIT JIM, I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A BRAIN SURGEON!! WELL, OKAY, I AM A BRAIN SURGEON... I JUST DON'T LIKE STICKING MY FINGERS IN BRAIN!!
   
VERIZON: For technical help, there's a great web site available to assist you: onlinehelp.verizon.net
   
DAVE: I am calling with a CONNECTION PROBLEM! If I could bloody connect to the internet, would I be calling with a CONNECTION PROBLEM you silly bitch?!? And what happened to that line test you were running? Are you even going to bother telling me how that turned out? This is the...
   
VERIZON: Customers in the [SPOKANE, WASHINGTON] area may currently be experiencing problems connecting to the internet. Our engineers are aware of the problem, and are working to resolve it.
   
DAVE: WELL THANKS A LOT YOU DUMBASS!! COULDN'T YOU HAVE TOLD ME THAT WHEN I GAVE YOU MY AREA CODE AT THE VERY BEGINNING?!? I HOPE THAT THIS CALL IS BEING MONITORED SO I CAN TELL YOU HOW F#@%ING STUPID IT IS! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU EVIL VERIZON BITCHES FROM HELL! DIE YOU BASTARDS! DIE! DIIIIIEEEE!
   
VERIZON: I'm connecting you now...

Blargh. Usually you have to call a mobile phone company to get this kind of shitty service! Oh wait... Verizon has mobile too! Hey, at least they're consistent.

There is good news today though...

Final Orders

That's the final 64 T-shirt orders left from my Blogiversary III Celebration. Those in the front are the remaining international orders for which I ran out of Global Priority boxes (hopefully they will be waiting for me at the post office this morning). As happy as these people will be to receive their orders at long last... nobody could be more thrilled than I am that these are finally shipping out.

Well, assuming I ever get internet back so that I can process them.

Karma sucks ass!


Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. adena says:

    Verizon has now flagged your account.

    :)

  2. kilax says:

    I think that the good karma from getting all the t-shirts done will out-weigh the bad karma death wish (which was completely deserved on their part, btw).

  3. babyoog says:

    God, how I hate those voice-activated emissaries of hell. Why can’t we just do it the old fashioned way and punch numbers in? Am I the only person who finds the voice thing WAY more annoying?

  4. Silvertongue says:

    Oh, Dave, I feel your pain…our downstairs neighbors just bought a piano, and apparently are bound and determined to make their kids into virtuosos, because all they do is “practice”, from 7am to about 10pm daily. And I use “practice” sarcastically, because mostly what they do is play the first few bars of “Fur Elise” and then bang on the piano for about ten minutes, then the first few bars of “Fur Elise” again, then more banging.

    And I’m not even going to go into the pre-teens dressed like hootchies in my parking lot when I get home from work who alternate between grinding on their (suspiciously) older boyfriend’s laps and squealing in decibels high enough to shatter wineglasses over things like, “Becky’s new tube top, omigod!”

    Sigh. I often say I’m going to live in a cabin in the woods, where the only noise I will hear will be happy little woodland creatures.

    But in happier news, yay, I got the e-shipping notice for my Zombie shirt today, whoo-hoo!

  5. Karl says:

    Shame you can’t send the screaming girls over to Verizon’s house to bug the shit out of them for a while. Give them a little taste of their own medicine.

  6. Kevin says:

    Along the lines of Kilax’s comment, working through all those orders should cover you in terms of good karma at least through the end of the year. So sleep easy (and long) when news comes back that the parents and their girls drove off a cliff.

  7. alice says:

    it totally blows having screaming kids in the morning. however, it’s not as bad as a snorer at night. i have an upstairs neighbor that i hear from two rooms away, okay, i exaggerate, 1-1/2 rooms away.

    totally dig the t-shirts. but i am anxiously waiting on the buttons! i want more monkey ones!

    i have verizon, too. i had an awful deja vu reading your convo w/the recording. total flashbacks. argh.

  8. ChillyWilly says:

    Never had to deal with Verizon for anything so far. They have this cool fiber internet connection available in Texas, but that’s about the only cool thing that I’ve seen from Verizon.

    T-shirts shipping… I got my confirmation shipping email, which tracking information should be available tomorrow. Sweet!

  9. ms. sizzle says:

    have you called southwest airlines lately? the horror of their holding music- it’s jingles and barber shop quartets and kids singing. oh. my. god. it was ENDLESS.

  10. Eve says:

    I like the “Verizon sucks” tag.

  11. Dave2 says:

    Hey, it’s what they do.

  12. Laurence says:

    I am happy. I am not the only one in this kind of situation.
    Be careful : my comment will be long because the situation is. (Oh, sorry again for my poor english)

    In France, we can fill in our tax return on Internet. Great idea, no ? I went on website, I created an account, the site attributed me an electronic signature. I filled in my virtual tax return and…

    1st Problem : my electronic signature was not downloaded.
    1st Call : 1. The music is unbearable. 2. The responder say that my call is surtaxed. 3. It is necessary to press on the key *. (1st paradox : I want to fill in tax return and I have to pay for this !)
    Then, there was the famous standard responder : press 1 or 2, then press 1 or 2, etc.
    The music replayed and the voice told you that “the call will be taken in 2 or 3 minutes”.
    Finally, an human person answered me. I explained the situation and she asked me if I have a PC or a Mac. I answered a Mac proudly, and learned that there was problems with Safari and I had to download Firefox, my account and my signature.
    OK. I hanged up.

    2nd Problem. My account did not want to download.
    2nd Call. Same procedure. Finally, they attributed me a new account with a new electronic signature.
    OK. I hanged up.

    Guess what ? SAME PROBLEM…
    3rd Call. Same procedure. A man answered me. I re-explained all to him.
    Him : you like the serials TV ?
    Me : yes of course.
    Him : because, it’s you… the new series of summer.
    Me : … (I laugh on the other side of him face. Je ris jaune)
    He remained to me 2 solutions : 1/ To make a letter and fill in my return tax on paper (2nd paradox : to opt for a virtual declaration on paper !?!) 2/ To make this procedure from a PC.
    Me : Why it was not indicated that the procedure was not feasible from Mac.
    Him : The experiments of life are the best.
    Me : … (I had really fallen on a funny guy… I do not know if I must shout or laugh or cry…)

    My conclusion. I do not know the worst: is the cries of baby or this kind of phone call… your opinion ?

  13. Troy says:

    Such pretty boxes. Mmmm.

  14. Bre says:

    Ugh – Verizon and I are no longer friends, since I prefer things like cell phone signal and reliable internet. But sprint/nextel and I? We’re practically lovers.

  15. exposed says:

    aw dave, i had idealized you as the perfect man but then you had to go and ruin it by being upset with the sugar crazed undisciplined little girls. You’ve ruined my man fantasy! it hurts man…it really hurts.

  16. Naomi says:

    Just thinking about voice recognition filtering systems makes my BP rise enough for me to put my defibrillator on stand-by…

  17. Therese RN says:

    I really understand your hatred of screaming little girls. I am a night shift worker, and so try to sleep during the day. There is a DAYCARE in the house next to mine, and they have a swimming pool in the back yard. The screaming and shouting starts about 1 hour after I lay my head down on the pillow. AARRGGHH!

  18. Chase says:

    I wasn’t a screamer until you, Dave.

    I got your package (heh) today! YAY! I’ll be wearing Zombie Dave tomorrow. And, oh! CDs! All the lovely CDs!

    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

  19. Dave2 says:

    Eh… I get that from women all the time. :-)

  20. Chanakin says:

    What a little hussy. You too, Dave.

  21. Annette says:

    Got my email notice today… thanks, Dave!

    While reading your post, my (library) book on CD got stuck in the slot. Bad karma indeed, or more likely the previous borrower who used the CD for a frisbee.

    Time for you to get a cool drink, a couple of aspirin, and go lie down… things will be better in the morning.

  22. I absolutely abhor the voice activated IVR’s. As a call center worker I know how horrible they can be, which is why I train all my people to teach callers how to bypass the system and get directly to the queue they are trying to access.

    Also, I bout peed my pants when I got my notification today for the shirt. I already have a skirt picked out to wear it with!

  23. Mooselet says:

    So excited about my email telling me my shirt is shipping I squealed like a little girl. Then I read your post and tried to control myself.

    My husband once got to listen to a test the company was doing on the voice recognition system and the comments from customers were not inlike yours, with the occassional “I want to talk to a real f*#king person you *&#@$!!!” thrown in. Now it is programmed to take a caller right to a ‘real f*#king person’ when it gets a response like that.

  24. Apricoco says:

    I got my package today! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! The t-shirt is so nice! The books are amazing and thank you! You are a the greatest! You are a god….

    btw… I love the bunny suicides book… =)

  25. Avitable says:

    Your transcript gave me quite a chuckle this morning. It was a good start to the day, laughing at your pain. :)

  26. nancycle says:

    Next time, press zero….

    or pretend you still have one of those rotary phones, that works too!

  27. *cotton says:

    ROFL!!!

    omg u got me laughing so hard i think my neighbours are gonna complain. =x (are laughing little girls worse than screaming little girls? hmm…)

  28. jess says:

    Damn, that BEE BOOP BOOP BEE BOOP sound was so vivid in my ears. Next time keep pressing zero or saying, “representative.”

    Love the site!

  29. Belinda says:

    Egads, at least when our cebridge cable connection goes down, and we call, the FIRST thing we hear is the litany of locations in which service is down. One time, a guy in Houston even PATCHED US THROUGH to the actual service guy who was working on the actual problem right down the road from us! And this was, like, 2:00AM. Yeah, we’re the freaks calling tech support at 2:00AM.

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