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Posted on Thursday, June 15th, 2006

Dave!The day started out with me putting both contact lenses in the same eye and only went downhill from there.

I'd go into details, but do you really want to hear it? Suffice to say that today sucked, and just when I thought it couldn't suck any more... IT DID! I don't even want to think about it.

The big news of the day, of course, is Bill Gates stepping down from the day-to-day operations at Microsoft in 2008. Helpful hint to Redmond... HIRE A VISIONARY FROM OUTSIDE THE COMPANY WHO CAN COME IN AND REVIVE YOUR TIRED OLD SHIT!! You need a Steve Jobs at the helm... not monkey-boy Balmer who will just keep you mired in the same old crap. Hire somebody like ME who will put your billions of dollars to good use and get you to innovate your way into something new! No more dumping money into duplicating stuff that's already better than what you can do anyway... I-N-N-O-V-A-T-E!!

Oh yeah. I could definitely put billions of dollars to good use...

Microsoft Flying DeLorean


Seriously, who would give a crap about another stupid version of Windows or buggy MS Office update when you can make a flying car?!? Why dump money into another dumbass music service when you could spend it on developing a flying car?!? MSN? MS Publisher? Hotmail? Terraserver? WHATEVER... who really cares about that junk? EVERYBODY LOVES FLYING CARS!!

At the very least, I could have Microsoft discontinue their Windows products and license MacOS X so they could stop embarrassing themselves... they could call it "Macintosh Vista X" and finally sell an operating system that doesn't suck.

My salary requirements for running Microsoft to record profits? ONE MILLION DOLLARS A MONTH!!!

A bargain at twice the price!

Bill, I'll be expecting your call...

Categories: DaveLife 2006, DaveToons 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. RW says:

    Some writer, whose name is now lost in my thick head, once complained “Where are the flying cars I was promised?” And, indeed, I have long felt the same. I now know why we have been cheated of these conveyances (though I will say I’m sure I have the next best thing right this second) – it is because the guy who would see to their creation is sticking both his contact lenses in the same eye right now. It seems very clear to me…

  2. Mocha says:

    I derived pure joy out of your opening and laughed myself silly.

    Note to self: on days when I put BOTH lenses in the same eye, take them out, go back to bed, pull covers over head and stay put.

    Unless, of course, my friend, my BEST friend Dave decides to buy me a pony ride and some cotton candy because he makes so much money from Microsoft. Then, and only then, will I leave my house.

  3. I so wanted you to have this job that I actually did a search on Monster and the Microsoft website to see if there was a posting for it. Alas, it was in vain.

    I’ll happily contribute to a fund to get you started on that flying car, though.

  4. dave says:

    people have a hard enough time driving on the road.. a third dimension would be total chaos.

    And that is where Smart Flying Cars come in! The future is in 2008 when Bill retires, and Dave Takes over!

  5. James says:

    It doesnt matter how much he says he is going to back out or find other things to do, he is always gonna be flexing influence in Microsoft, I dont care what any press release says.

    I want a flying car built by Dave. But not one branded Microsoft, its sure to crash! *zing +1!*

  6. Dave2 says:

    No no… the car will be powered by Macintosh Vista X, not Windows! Thus your odds of crashing are actually quite low. 🙂

  7. Mooselet says:

    I’ve put my contacts in the opposite eyes, but never both in the same. Should’ve gone back to bed, Dave, or had a drink.

    Flying cars would be cool if only you could have one and everyone else was stuck on the ground. Then you could fly overhead, pointing and laughing as you buzzed their gridlocked asses.

  8. SJ says:

    I am SO glad to know someone else occasionally puts both lenses in the same eye! That’s what happens when I screw up the routine by putting the LEFT one in first.

    Yeah, sign me up for a flying car. There’s no speed limits in the sky.

  9. Belinda says:

    We’re way overdue for the flying cars, anyway. The flying cars were SUPPOSED TO BE HERE BY NOW.

  10. Erin says:

    The Delorean is SO Microsoft 80s chic.

  11. Sayuri says:

    Monkey looks TERRIFIED! WHat are you doing Dave?

  12. pookalu says:

    two things:
    -WHY (even though it would be rewarding) would you want to work for microsoft????

    -contacts in the same eye — years ago a co-worker, in the middle of the night, had to drive his wife to the hospital to deliver their child, he put his contacts in, she was in labor for 24 hours, he thought that he was just tired ‘cuz he couldn’t see straight, and finally when he got back home he realized that he had put his contacts in on top of his old contact lenses. (how’s THAT for a run on sentence?)

  13. delmer says:

    Wait. The car is cool, but with the massive amounts of Microsoft money, why not make a Woody Allen Orgasmatron.

    Then the Orgasmatron Jr. — for the office. We could plug away, day after day, at our computers and when we need a break we could step into the Orgasmatron anywhere from 2 seconds to 30 minutes depending upon the guy’s stamina. We’d step out, nap for twenty minutes over a drool-catching device, and then get back to the keyboard.

    Maybe the Orgasmatron II could acutally have timer settings: FTOV (First Time Out Virgin … the two-second setting) through Whiskey D*ck (the 30-minute setting).

    The equivalent Women’s settings might be: “What?! Not Again” and “George Bush.” (because he never stops putting it to us.)

  14. Kevin says:

    When I first heard Gates was stepping down, I was ecstatic. And I just wanted to laugh and laugh and laugh. Then it was announced he was doing it so he could dedicate his full energy to his charity foundation. Okay, I couldn’t laugh anymore. I actually give him props for the decision. At least he’s doing something worthwhile.

    Do you have any idea how painful it was for me to “praise” Bill Gates?

  15. Jeff says:

    That makes sense for Microsoft to build a Mr. Fusion car that is powered by garbage, because – it could be fueled by their own products!

  16. ChillyWilly says:

    I’ll take Mr. Fusion over Windows anyday.

    FWIW, Vista is quite the hog. I finally found a computer that had enough of the beefed up items it needed to install and run.

    Even with 2gb of RAM and 200gb hard drive on a P4 2.4ghz, my MacBook Pro running 10.4.6 screamed past it without any issues.

    I’ll stick with an OS that I don’t need to reinstall every 6 months to get rid of the crap it collects. Maybe Vista is better at this… who knows, but in 6 months, I guess we’ll find out.

  17. Laurence says:

    I saw that you were interested in the foreign languages. And if you want to learn the wealth of the french language, you have to start by using rude language. An expression has occured to me. When someone put both contact lenses in the same eye, we said in France : “Avoir la tête dans le cul”. (I do not think that “to have one’s head up one’s arse” means the same thing). Because, in french, it means to have difficult mornings. And someone can “avoir la tête dans le cul”, and can have a good day. So, in spite of all, I wish you a good day. Je te souhaite une très, très bonne journée, Dave. 🙂

  18. annette says:

    I wanna flying car… As soon as I win the lotto, I’ll make one for the both of us.

    As for Bill coming over to the light side… I think we have a better chance of Bush resigning – unless – we could kill those two birds with our flying car…

  19. Chanakin says:

    I see another Fast and the Furious sequel.

  20. Eve says:

    You certainly are a visionary, aren’t you? Gonna go back in time… Anyhow, I was stuck in MASSIVE Manhattan traffic today and I was thinking about flying cars wondering if it would help the congestion, but I quickly came to the conclusion that it probably wouldn’t. Not only would the ground be packed, but so would the skies, except the ground dwellers would have to be on alert for sky-crasher’s debris.

  21. sandra says:

    Will Michael J. Fox be driving? Doc Brown?

  22. exposed says:

    ok this is by far a meaningless and stpuid comment but i got little motorcyle dave on the top and he is just so damn cute! how about 100 dollars a month to drive me around? i have my own helmet! 102????

  23. Charred says:

    I’d just like to have a DeLorian, myself.

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