After two days of life beating the crap out of me, today there was finally daylight... both figuratively and literally (so THAT'S what the sun looks like!).
The good news is that I no longer want to microwave my head. The bad news is that the events of the past two days will take weeks... perhaps months... to resolve. I'm a fairly private person, so I won't be going into details, but suffice to say that absolutely everything that could possibly go wrong in all aspects of my life decided to happen over the course of 48 hours. It was like experiencing TWO seasons of "24" but without the benefit of having Jack Bauer around to kick some ass. Just a lot of things around me going terribly wrong and shit exploding every fifteen minutes.
One thing I will say is that I have come to really, really hate my car.
If I was any sort of wealthy, I would crash my car into a gas station so it would become soaked with gasoline, toss a lighted match on top so I could watch it burn, then throw a massive party where everybody could hold hands and sing songs while urinating on the smoldering remains. Once the auto was thoroughly destroyed, we'd watch Elizabeth Hurley's masterpiece Bedazzled on a big-screen TV and eat chocolate cake...
Amazing-looking chocolate cake recipe can be found at Southern Living Magazine.
Because it's not really a celebration unless there's chocolate cake at the end.
In other news, "massive penis" has entered my top-ten search referrals for 2007 despite the fact that it appeared only 12 days ago in my blog. Helpful hint for blog traffic whores: nothing will service your needs better than a massive penis. This does present a dilemma, however, because I don't know what the female equivalent should be. I would hate for it to appear that my blog is sexist, and want to be sure that filthy Google Search Results at Blogography aren't gender-biased. I'm leaning towards "tasty vagina" but think it might be difficult to work that into a popular blog entry without supplemental video of some kind.
Not that I'm unwilling to try, mind you.
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Thought I’d test your concept and Googled ‘tasty vagina’… 445,000 entries, not bad. Not a common term Down Under though… barely 338 entries… Wonder if there is an Oz equivalent 🙂
RMB
Hope your ‘life’ issues are sorting themselves out – nothing worse than being inundated with crap.
Wow, 2 seasons of “24”… That is really bad !!! 🙁
Anyway, the chocolate is the better remedy… And I want to taste this cake !!! :-p
I like to see the research Google on my stats (me, the best search is “bra”… HOO HOO !!!) 😀
Yeah, go with “tasty” because I’m guessing “cavernous” probably isn’t so flattering.
Hmm the way it sounds with all that shit exploding, I’d doublecheck my chocolate cake before getting a forkful. Just sayin.
Damn, Daddy,..your cake looks good. There, let’s add to the crazy phrases that appear in your blog.
I can help you out on the female version of “genital searching for dummies” thanks to Karl and this post.
Innocent eyes – look away. Shaved pubes, vajayjays, pretty p***ies, clean cl**, and Karl’s fave – yabbamango. Actually, my top searches are for shaved scrotums or shaved pubes….geesh.
About the serious stuff, I’ve said what I’ve said in email and am always here for ya.
Chocolate Cake always reminds me of Bill Cosby:
“Dad is great.He gives us the Chocolate Cake.”
Damn.
Now I want cake.
Nope. Not goin’ there ‘t all.
Sorry Dave, but ice cream is *way* better than chocolate cake for comfort or celebration 🙂
Glad to see that things are looking up!
Massive vagina . . . .massive vagina . . . massive vagina.
No, I didn’t type it three times. That was just the echo.
I’m thinking you’d have to go with “tight” ‘cuz all women like to be told they’re tight.
Hell, if Cheap Trick can make a song about it then it must be good.
Eggs Dave. You can’t have eggs can you? Veggie that you are.
I bought myself some Ben and some Jerry on the way home from work – not quite as good as chocolate cake, but hopefully it will work as well!
i’m thinking “big tits” could bring some traffic. what do you think?
so we are holding hands and singing AND peeing simultaneously? the thought of that sounds comedic and messy.
i’m game!
Good Lord….now I want cake.
I’m all for the ceremonial car burning….tho’ the urinating might be a bit difficult for me, given the giant flames…
And you said your blog wasn’t gender biased!!
🙂
Entirely different circumstances, I’m sure…but, I can TOTALLY relate to the feeling of “karma/murphey’s law/All Hail His Holiness, the Royal God of Shit” reigning down.
Sowwy.
How can a man who talks about being willing to try a tasty vagina NOT be entitled to wonderful things in life?
Really. You should share this with Kharma.
I agree with Ms. Sizzle, gotta be breasts (tits, hooters, rack, bazoombas, knockers, bosoms, jugs, headlights, shirt puppies…do you really need me to go on?). Women do searches to see how to make theirs bigger. Straight men do searches to see them…and heck, even some gay men have a thing for breasts. I don’t get it, but there you go.
Oh, and I shamelessly stole the terms from this site, because I can honestly say I’ve never heard anyone say “shirt puppies” before. No doubt I don’t hang out with enough 13 year-old-boys for that to be a common occurrence in my life.
So, speaking of a massive penis….
Hey, wtf? In the last 2 days, I’ve had 3 dreams about you. What gives?? Are you and bad monkey casting spells on me?
(Not that the dreams had a massive penis in them, per se, but since you were involved, that’s pretty much a given, yeah?)
Oh, cake!!! I gained 2 pounds just looking at that cake.
I’m really sorry life’s been kicking you in the balls lately. I can relate to the car issue and will gladly watch you torch it, but no go on the pee thing.
The term in Australia is ‘fanny’ so using a variation on that term will move you to the top Down Under. Although I’m all for massive penises so…
You really need to Google “the secret”. Sounds like you could use it right about now.
By coincidence, Gawker was talking about tasty vaginas yesterday as well. It seems to be all the rage.
Try “cavernous vagina” and see what happens.
I’m voting for the phrase ‘flaming vagina’, because I think it’ll work, and because I’m imagining the artwork and giggling like a schoolboy.
Sorry your week has gone badly. I understnad how you feel, that feeling when the world rips the carpet out from under your feet and you’re all “Eh?”
As for search terms, I’ve done well with the penis puppets thing, and always have a good following for norway boobs. I wonder how norway boobs are different from others. You can ski off them?
I like “Tasty Tight Vagina” because lyrics could developed around that and we could sing it to the tune of this song whilst dancing around the smoldering wreckage. And peeing.
Leave it to you to be associated permanently with “massive penis”
Cake has been in the past, and will be again, as soon as I buy ingredients and learn how to bake… Or get to the store!
It’s almost the perfect blog entry – mentioning cake and Jack Bauer. Beautiful!
Glad it’s all getting a little better. I like lil Dave smiling!
Either chocolate cake or a half lb. of premium, fresh chocolates. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Chocolate cake is the best.
Gotta love a man who uses “tasty” in reference to vaginas.
LUV.
If you’re throwing a party that involves watching Bedazzled AND chocolate cake, I’m totally in.
Also, enough chocolate cake renders the importance of massivity of penis irrelevant.