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Posted on Friday, March 25th, 2005

Dave!DANG YOU TO HECK KITTY SPANGLES!!! I scream at my computer monitor for the hundredth time. GIMME THE RED JACK... GIVE IT TO ME YOU BITCH!! I yell in a solitaire-playing frenzy. In case you haven't guessed, I am not in the best of moods today. It's probably stemming from the fact that I got -zero- sleep last night. You see, I live in a small orchard community. There are orchards within spitting distance of my apartment. Ordinarily this is no big deal (kind of country-charm nice, in fact) but when we have a late frost descend in the valley, every orchardist runs out and turns on these giant fans to keep the moisture from settling on their fruit (thus spoiling it). So all night long I'm listening to dozens of massive propellers going WHHHRR-RRRR-RRRR WUB-WUB-WUB! WHHHRR-RRRR-RRRR WUB-WUB-WUB! It's enough to drive you insane, and it certainly has me.

At day-break they the sun comes out and they can turn the propellers off, but then the devil-geese show up and start running around the parking lot honking like birds possessed and I decide to give it up and go to work (even though it's a holiday today). The reason I am at work on a paid holiday is so I can restore some very old files that were lost when our highly-paid computer consultants decided to move the file server to another building. Unfortunately the backups are on antiquated media like ZIP disks, JAZ cartridges, and Magneto-Optical discs, so I have no way of reading them until I drag a very old Mac up from the basement and hook it up. Despite being a million years old, it works flawlessly. I can't help but get a pang of nostalgia when MacOS 9 boots up on my tiny 640 by 480 monitor. Just for kicks I see if Blogography will render at all in such an old browser. Sure enough, with a little bit of scrolling, it's perfectly functional. It's nice to know that my decision to crop all photos to 420 by 319 to accommodate small screens has paid off...

Screen Size

So here I sit transferring gigabytes of files from an ancient computer while occupying my dead-time playing Kitty Spangles Solitaire on my laptop and cursing. A lot. For a solitaire game, Kitty is pretty dope. What I like most about it is that you get five minutes of free play time for each game (without having to purchase the program) so you can play a kind of "speed-solitaire" that adds another level of pressure. What I don't like is that Kitty and her cute little cartoon pals continue to look adorable even when things don't go your way...

Kitty Spangles

Another down-side to the game is taking crap from your friends when they call...

Reagent: Hey! What's up?
Me: Not much. Just restoring an old backup and playing a game of Kitty Spangles Solitaire.
Reagent: Kitty... Spangles... Solitaire... ?
Reagent: That is so gay.
Me: Uhhh... you are still gay, aren't you?
Reagent: Yes. But Kitty Solitaire sounds gay, even for me.
Me: I'd think you'd be against sexual-orientation slander seeing that you're a big queer and all.
Reagent: You are avoiding the fact that Kitty Spangles Solitaire is gay...

It's so nice to have friends you can absolutely count on to pitch crap at you. I don't care if Kitty Spangles Solitaire is gay... it's so addictive that I'm seriously considering paying the $20 and registering it. If it were $10, I would absolutely register it, but $20 for solitaire seems steep when you only get Klondike. DANG YOU TO HECK KITTY SPANGLES!!!

Around the blogosphere today, I notice (via Kotke) that the brilliant Jeffrey Veen has written an excellent article about the Flash-based inactive-interactivity that seems to be plaguing the internet. He sums up exactly how I've been feeling for years now, and raises some excellent points. Well worth a read.

Speaking of Flash... I also note that famous personalities I loathe are one-by-one going through public scandals. First Michael Jackson and Martha Stewart, now annoying Extra! television host Pat O'Brien is up to his neck in it. He entered rehab a few days ago, and now the entire blogosphere knows why... he's a creepy cocaine-snorting alcoholic who likes leaving sexually-harassing messages on answering machines. That makes him not only annoying, but a freaky perv as well. Is it too much to hope that this means we've seen the last of him on television? If you really must listen to his disgustingly funny drunken messages, I recommend the cool Flash-based "Pat O'Brien Sexual Harassment Scorecard" - which is absolutely NOT safe for work (or anywhere else, really). Next up on my list: Judge Judy. Please let her get busted for crack possession and sex solicitation! Gross, I know... but Judge Judy as a crack whore would make my day (and sure explain a lot).

Well, back to work so I can get caught up and have the weekend off to go play in Seattle...

Movie Quotable of the Day: "I tell you that tonight we shall have a wedding... or a hanging. Either way we ought to have a lot of fun, eh?"
Yesterday's Answer: Fletch (1985) with Chevy Chase and Joe Don Baker.

Categories: DaveLife 2005Click To It: Permalink


  1. theMike says:

    That is the funniest thing I’ve heard all year. Who knew Pat was such a dirty scumbag. Ok, maybe a lot of people knew, but what an idiot.

  2. Karin says:

    boohoo it’s only for Mac! The funny thing is that I am nagging all week that I want to have a MAC notebook instead of a desktop PC (although I can’t explain what I want to do with it other than what I am doing already right now and which is working fine) but now I have the perfect reason to trade my PC for a mac: I want to play Kitty Spangles solitaire 🙂

  3. Dave2 says:

    He is a pervy little freak isn’t he? Personally, I don’t care what kind of stuff people are into in their personal life… I just can’t stand Pat O’Brien’s annoying banter on Extra! and Access Hollywood, and want him banished from the airwaves. If this is what it takes, then I’m fine with it. Good riddance (though I do miss Jimmy Fallon’s spot-on impersonation of him on SNL).

    Kitty Spangles rocks hard. I have no doubt that many a Windows user will be switching to a Mac so they can play the cutest solitaire game on the planet… even if it is totally gay. You can’t tell it from the screenshots, but the backgrounds are animated in a funky kind of way as well. Run to your nearest Apple Store and insist on seeing a demo of Kitty Spangles right away. It will make a Switcher out of you, no doubt. 🙂

  4. Dennis says:

    Actually, I think your gay friend was a touch off. The *really* gay part isn’t so much that you play Kitty Spangles Solitaire, but that your screenshot of it is with the *pink* background instead of the far less gay green or orange ones shown on the web page.

    I propose they market to the gay community with a promotional slogan like: “Kitty Spangles is here. Kitty Spangles is queer. Get used to it. Only for Mac.” You know, like those slogans the angry lesbians yell when they march in pride parades?

  5. Dave2 says:

    Wait a second… so you are telling me that if I were to change the background to orange or green, then playing a game called “Kitty Spangles Solitaire” would suddenly become less gay?

    Sorry, but I gotta side with Reagent here. Nothing is ever going to make “Kitty Spangles” sound like a butch activity (he never saw any colors, he just heard the name). And since Reagent is, in fact, actually gay… it does kind of make him the reigning authority here. 🙂

  6. Dennis says:

    I’m just saying this:

    Engaging in activity involving the title “kitty spangles”: Gay.

    Engaging in an activity that involves the title “kitty spangles” and copious amounts of the color pink: Extra gay.

    I think there’s like a gayness scale: It starts with “gay, but likes baseball and not just to look at the players scratching themselves,” and ends on “hangs wrist oddly and wears cutoff Levis as shorty-shorts.” I just think you’re at a three instead of a two, thanks to the pink…

  7. Dave2 says:

    Ah, well thanks for clearing that up. The next time I play Kitty Spangles Solitaire I will be sure to “butch it up” a bit by using a nice manly blue background.

  8. Ben says:

    And maybe some beer and pr0n. Just saying is all…


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