I've decided to have elective surgery to garner sympathy from total strangers. It seems everywhere I go, people I don't even know are forever droning on about some health crisis I couldn't care less about. Since I don't get sick and have never had so much as a broken bone, I feel that I must be missing out on something.
The question is... what do I want to have done? It has to be something that sounds dangerous and life-threatening, but is actually fairly harmless. At first I was thinking that I'd just go have my appendix ripped out because, well, it's not like you need it or anything. But an appendix sounds pretty lame when somebody decides to hit you with that triple bypass they just had.
Maybe I'll just lie and say I got my brain rotated or something. That should shut people up.
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How about some kind of bodily enhancement? Liposuction, nose job, penile enlargement? Not that I’m implying anything, of course…
I had my appendix out on New Year’s Eve 1987-88. That sucked. But the sympathy I got from it was PRICELESS. Especially when I got to call my best friend (who insisted my stomach ache was the bean dip we had at a NYE party) bright and early on Jan 1 1988 and announce, very importantly, that I was at the HOSPITAL and it was SO NOT the bean dip.
She not only got me flowers and a card…but the groveling? Oh the groveling was life affirming, it really was.
Bean dip: 50cents
Appendix removed: $5000
Seeing your best friend grovel in apology at mocking your pain? Priceless.
And why is it that people feel the need to tell you about all their medical problems when your standing in line at the grocery store anyway? I feel like saying, do I know you?
Tell people you tried to invert your thumbnails and big toe nails, but they botched the job.
Wear heavy bandages on your hands for weeks.
I like the brain option. Get the R & L hemispheres swapped!
I know it might be a little off your topic, but you might consider going the “brave, courageous” route, by get clean and sober from some awful life-long addiction to something dreadful…This could be faked also, just by telling the story years after the fact. Who would check it out?
Or, maybe you could go the “hero” route…get yourself hurt or banged up in the act of SAVING someone…
In either case the sympathy coefficient can be priceless…
Does this mean we won’t hear about your migraines any more????! 😉 *couldn’t resist*
Exactly how many migraines have I blogged about in the past two years? Hmmm… just one. Granted it lasted a week though…
Did it work? Should I try and get migraines more often?
My sympathies were with you. It pulled on my heart strings. I wanted to ride to WA immediately to play nurse maid. I think it worked. 🙂