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Posted on Wednesday, December 5th, 2007

Dave!Well smack my ass and call me Sally.

This morning I woke up at first-light so I could try once again to install a new battery in my car. As I mentioned yesterday, Saturn designed a bracket to hold the battery in place (good) but it has the binding bolts in really stupid places (bad). In order to remove the bracket, you need something like an air-powered flat ratchet for one of the bolts... and a long extension ratchet head for the other one. I, of course, own neither of those things. There's really no need to own those things unless you are an auto mechanic.

So after an hour of getting nowhere, I finally decide to put on a dress, then grab a matching purse and shoes so I can go pay a mechanic to install the battery...

Dave Sally

So thanks a fucking load Saturn. Nothing can emasculate a man faster than having to pay another guy to put a battery in his car. Seriously, how fucking difficult would it be to design the shit so that anybody with a pair of pliers and a screwdriver can take care of it? Is that really too much to ask? I mean, I own a good set of manly tools... I even have a Dremel for criminey's sake... shouldn't that be enough to do something as simple as replacing the battery in your car? Yes. Yes it should. Because, when you think about it, the time that most people have to replace their battery is probably a time when they least expect it, and they may not have any tools available. Why not a simple locking pressure clamp with no tools required? Why force guys to have to wear dresses with matching shoes and handbags as they pay a mechanic to deal with this simple shit?

There is no good reason I can think of except that you hire asshole engineers who get sadistic pleasure out of torturing your customers.

I seriously need to go drink a six-pack of beer while watching football and farting as I scratch my balls so I can get some of my manhood back.

Though I should probably change out of this dress first.

Categories: DaveLife 2007, DaveToons 2007Click To It: Permalink


  1. iddly says:

    This is the 2nd time you’ve worn a dress this year. Are you ok?

  2. God bless you for buying American, but I wouldn’t drive one again if they gave it to me free, and for exactly the same reasons you’re already experiencing.

  3. Tracy Lynn says:

    I, personally, thought that frock was very becoming. Sissy.

  4. Jeff says:


    And not only do you not have the tools available, but in some cases you may not have a way to get your car to the shop in the first place without being towed for $100. At least if you could get the battery out you could go to the store and buy your own new one.

    On a side note, at least you had enough sense to match your necklace, shoes and purse.

  5. Rick says:

    Dude, you are gonna take so much sexist crap for this….

  6. diane says:

    Hmmmm…I think the dress might make the ball-scratching easier! :p

  7. Hilly says:

    Wow, I’d pay good money to see you in a dress and wig, scratching your sack and making old ladies gasp!

    But dammit, now I have to go edit my post for today!

  8. sizzle says:

    in solidarity, i shall never buy a saturn!

  9. JillyD says:

    LMFAO! I love this post. Long time reader, first time poster. Keep up the good work. Love the Dave Toons… especially this one, Sally. 😉

  10. amanda says:

    hehe… I’m sorry

  11. Liz says:

    I must go all feminist on you and point out that there’s nothing about being a woman or being feminine that involves not being able to complete the simple task of changing a car battery.

    That would appear to be reserved for Saturn owners.


  12. Dave2 says:

    I would think that it would be equally horrifying for a woman who prides herself on her independence and feminist ideals to be the one forced to put on a dress with matching handbag and shoes to go pay a guy to install her battery… though I guarantee you that she won’t take as much crap for doing so as a man would.

    I will be the first to admit that a majority of women probably know a heck of a lot more about automobile maintenance than I do. If my car won’t start and there’s gas in the tank and the battery has a charge… all I know how to do is look under the hood and make sure that the engine hasn’t been stolen.

  13. Mooselet says:

    I fully admit to being a girl and know next to nothing about performing vehicle maintenance, yet pride myself on being independent and practical. I am happy to grab my purse and call my auto club when I have a flat or when my battery is dead and let them change it, or fix it, or whatever. That’s why I pay membership. I can fill the fuel tank, put air in the tire, top up the washer fluid and I know not to open the radiator when it’s hot – what else do I need to know? Part of being practical means knowing my limits.

    And Dave, next time you have to wear a dress at least wear some heels. Flats don’t suit you.

  14. Troy says:

    a Dremel isn’t a manly tool – it’s a geeky tool 🙂

  15. Miss Britt says:

    Did you wear the dress you sewed yourself?

  16. Mr. Fabulous says:

    I don’t know how to change a battery. Can I go dress shopping with you?

  17. Suzy says:

    Geez Dave, I have really bad news but I’m afraid to tell you since you’re already not in a good mood. BUT..matching shoes and purses are so 4 years ago. You’ve clearly let your Vogue subscription lapse.

  18. I’m with Mooselet on the shoes, next time get some cute heels! The dress looks great though. 😀

  19. Iron Fist says:

    Take that, Sally!

    But seriously — what a load of crap from Saturn. More than likely the only reason they do that is to lock you into having to go use their service people to do maintenance, which is ridiculous and I hate I hate I HATE when manufacturers do that. I was trying to take apart a friend’s aging Compaq one time to upgrade it and put in some new parts, and I had to go find a special screwdriver to take out the weird star-nuts they had in the case, and once I got it opened I realized I’d have to almost completely disassemble the damn thing just to change out the CD drive. Urrr.

  20. Robin says:

    I, um, err, well um… I like my Saturn—a lot. Gosh darn it, I love my Saturn!

  21. Oh-for-the-love-of-God.

    I had no idea that a manhood was such a fragile, delicate thing that it could be damaged by a dead car battery. You poor, poor guys – my heart just bleeds for you all…to have to walk around every day never knowing when your manhood could be stolen by a broken car part?! You sure you don’t need to sit down, I’d hate for you to catch the vapors!

    *Insert eye roll here*

    Please, dude! It’s just a car. It’s not a manhood test. Trust me, there’s a whole lot of other things in this life that are far more important and you seem to have a handle on most of those. Although your predilection for yellow dresses does frighten me. How about a nice purple? I think it would look smashing with your eyes.

  22. Dave2 says:

    It’s not a dead car battery that’s the problem… it’s not being able to replace it myself.

  23. Same difference. Saturn no doubt did this on purpose to make you (and every other do-it-yourself guy on the planet) go in for service. That doesn’t make you incompetent or unmanly, it makes them sneaky and greedy. It’s the reverse of a break-up: it’s not you, it’s them.

    It does however make you perfect mocking material for getting your knickers in a bunch about it. “The Vapors!”


  24. Avitable says:

    First of all, you asked me NOT to slap your ass and call you Sally anymore.

    Secondly, I pay people to do things for me all the time. Is it supposed to be emasculating? I find it empowering.

  25. bogup says:

    I’m with ya here Dave2. It is infuriating not to be able to accomplish an ordinary task (with regular tools and expected expertise) such as replacing a car battery ONLY because idiot car makers and engineers don’t make it possible. I’d be PO’d too. I would probably have go to the place where I bought it and ask them, “What the hell are they thinking?” besides the revenue they make from fixing common mechanical problems…

  26. See, if you were redneck, you would have taken the dremel with the cutting blade and cut off the mounting brackets, replaced the battery and zip-tied it all back in to place. 😛

  27. Randy says:

    Should I feel guilty that I laughed while reading your painful rant?…
    I’m still impressed that you used “criminey

    May your new battery give you many years of good cranking…
    : )

  28. Bre says:

    You know, I don’t even know how to buy a car battery, let alone attempt to do anything with it.

  29. RW says:

    Well anyway, Project Runway was interesting tonite.

  30. Catherine says:

    My first thoughts were right along the same lines as Avitable’s, who is one smart dude. Maybe the Y chromosome doesn’t automatically certify you as a incompetently-designed-car mechanic, but why not swagger in charmingly and with certainty anyway, knowing you have the resources to have dudes whose job it is to work with cars work with your car. You have more Dave’s-life-related uses of your time and efforts.

    Also realize that if a male as smart and intelligent and able to make good sense as you are, a guy who is even able to correctly identify and articulately describe a certain design flaw in a machine, cannot deal with the battery housing in this car, neither can probably any other dude who has not specifically been shown the tricks necessary to make that happen.

    What do you want to bet that mechanics see a Saturn coming onto their lot and go, “oh man, some poor dude probably needs his battery changed. #!@?&ing Saturn.”

  31. Brandon says:

    At least you don’t have a VW. I had to take my Jetta to a mechanic…to install a burnt out blinker light. I for the life of me couldn’t figure out how to get the damn thing out. It just wouldn’t work. I felt like such a puss.

  32. ssp says:

    Hehe, looks like the guys who decided you need Torx screws to hold some parts of a computer together moved on to do something even more user hostile

  33. serap says:

    This is the exact reason I recently started dating a car mechanic! I think a lot of newer cars are made so that you can only do very basic things yourself (ie change the oil), and have to go to a mechanic for everything else. I have a renault megane and its almost impossible to change the bloody indicator lightbulbs on your own… even my new dishy mechanic struggled!

  34. ~jtm says:

    Ugh…I feel your pain. We also have a Saturn, good little car but costs a small fortune in labor costs to get anything fixed the way they have everything situated.
    FYI~they do sell a foundation that would cover that 5 o’clock shadow… just sayin’.

  35. kapgar says:

    Hey I hear that there’s no better way to re-manify yourself than by having a bunch of guys get together to drink beer, watch football, scratch themselves, and fart. So long as they’re not scratching each other, that is.

    I’ll be right over!

  36. ETinNY says:

    ..and I bet that if you officially complained to the company, they’d be all prepared for it and claim that it’s an “anti-theft device”. Of course, I don’t know if they thought far enough ahead to to expect: “Yeah? Well, your cleverly so called #@* “anti-theft device” just lost you the sale of another Saturn!!

    Kentucky Girl had the right idea, though – “The Redneck solution” & beat the bastards at their own game. The thought of paying anyone to change a battery (except on the open road, maybe) would chafe me to no end, too.

  37. Dustin says:

    Nice floral print. Is Penny’s having a sale?

  38. ajooja says:

    Before you mentioned that “air-powered whatchamacallit,” my eyes glazed over.

    And I love my purse.

  39. Kyra says:

    I think the pearls make it sexy.

    As far as the car, I have no problem asking for help with my car. I DO have a problem with jerks who hold it over my head like I’m some sort of fluff-head because of it. It’d be a lot stupider NOT to have someone help me.

  40. Faye says:

    Suggest you just suck it up this time and let Saturn Gomer replace your battery so you could watch a few more Project Runways. Good effort on dress and accessories, but way too matchey-matchey.

  41. Bec says:

    Well, gosh darn-it, aren’t you just the purtiest gal at the ball?

  42. I’m with Avitable on this one. I love paying people to do the stuff I can’t do or even better… paying people to do the stuff I don’t want to. I should do it myself, but does having someone clean my house make me feel ‘femmasculated’ because this has traditionally been in the realm of housewives the world over? Hell no!
    Now answer honestly – did you _really_ want to change that battery yourself? 🙂
    PS – you look more like Susan to me.

  43. Lewis says:

    Footballl, farting, and scratching your nuts….all at the same time? Oh my. Now, is this with or without the dress on?

  44. Earl says:

    Gotta be the best thing I’ve read this year! You hit the nail on the head brother. Same thing happens with my Harley on occasion. I’m not a mechanic by any means, but I want to be able to do the basics myself. By the way, a pair of fuck me pumps would have probably gotten you at least a discount on the servce.

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