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Posted on Tuesday, March 18th, 2008

Dave!Today at lunch I had to run home to grab a portable hard drive I had forgotten and noticed that a bird had crapped on the hood of my car. The violation of my automobile didn't bother me too much because my car is filthy and, well, birds have to poop. What did bother me is that the bird dropped his load off-center. That's just sloppy crapping, and if a bird is going to shit on my car, I'd prefer that they take the time to at least make it look like they meant it...

Bird Shit

But the biggest offense was yet to come...

While at home it became necessary to open a new package of flushable wipes. I've been using Kleenex Cottonelle Wipes for ages, but recently switched to Charmin Freshmates because they advertised a "DiamondWeave" construction. I didn't know what that meant, but it sure sounded great. I always put wipes in the care packages I send to the troops, and "Diamond Weave" sounds worthy of wiping the assorted body parts of even our toughest servicemen and servicewomen. Besides, as I've written before, I'm a big fan of Charmin toilet paper, and what's good enough to send to our troops is certainly good enough for me...

Dave Charmin

But then I opened the package.

What the f#@%?!? THIS is "DiamondWeave" construction???

Diamond Weave?


All they did was stamp little holes in a diamond-shaped pattern on the wipe! That ain't no weave mutha f#@%er!! How in the hell does this not-so-woven "Diamond Weave" make any difference in the product's wiping ability? I'm no scientist, but I'd think this would actually make a single-ply product weaker in a vigorous wiping session than a non-punctured wipe.

That will teach me to purchase something based on unsubstantiated, nonsensical marketing jargon!

I wish I could be embarrassed at being such a consumer whore.

Categories: DaveLife 2008Click To It: Permalink


  1. Winter says:

    Yeah, I can see that tearing when you wipe. Not that I wanted to see that.

  2. Hilly Sue says:

    It’s sad too because that Charmin bear really looks like he wants to ensure the freshness of your hidden spots….sigh. Dumb bear, all excited for nothing.

  3. Karl says:

    Mmmm, DiamondWeave. Doesn’t look like bullshit marketing in the least.

  4. jake titus says:

    Diamond weave? Aren’t diamonds hard and jagged? He’ll, why not wipe the ole’ arse with rose thorn wipes or the new and improved broken glass pattern? It sounds to me like they gave you pleanty of warning. Happy crapping!!!

  5. Oh, honey. That asymmetrical shitting? I’m with you on that. That would have pissed me off, too.

  6. Mooselet says:

    I now have a mental image of you wiping your ass. I really didn’t need that and now must do something to get that picture out of my mind. Thanks Dave.

  7. Kyra Sutra says:

    Um… I would have moved that bird shit over a few inches. Off center is not something I can let slide.

  8. Brandon says:

    Yes! I came this close to writing about this BS myself. I bought some of these yesterday and it’s ridiculous. The wet wipe is not supposed to rip, if it were, I’d just wet some TP and do my thing that way instead.

  9. I don’t like the Charmin wipes at all. They’re thinner than Cottonelle and the smell of them is terrible!

  10. In one of my more recent relationships (which means three years ago), I took away only one thing. This is all I learned in the relationship.

    If you buy Scott toilet paper, it’s like, three times as big as a regular roll, and literally has three times the sheets. You aren’t going to get that nice, warm and fuzzy from the quilting that is so obviously bullshit, but I highly recommend it.

    Being a girl, I go through toilet paper like nobody’s business. So, of course, Scott’s it is for me. But guys don’t use toilet paper as much, so maybe the cost ends up being about the same.

    And remember; a bunch of cartoon ladies quilted that by hand for you. So don’t be bitching too much. They probably make slave wages.

  11. Bec says:

    Holy hell Dave, wash your car! Either yourself or get someone to do it for you a la Liv Tyler in One Night at McCool’s.

  12. Mrs. K says:

    My mental picture is of Lil’ Dave wiping Bad Monkey’s ass with a torn diamond weave wipe. Thanks Dave!

  13. Avitable says:

    Just get a bidet.

  14. John says:

    I hate Charmin! I’m a Quilted Northern man. I think QN’s ergonomics are more conducive to the, you know, vertical cleansing motion. There certainly are a lot of unsavory posts going around lately.

    P.S. – very nice, your care packages to the troops.

  15. Dar says:

    I think your being a bit harsh on the bird. I mean they did get it fairly close, and well you try taking a dump from that height and hitting dead center on the hood of a car.

  16. Lewis says:

    Tell me, please, that you didn’t “fall through” the paper. Tell me, tell me, oh please tell me.

  17. pocketCT says:

    None of that stuff is woven; it is hydroentangled. They use jets of water to sort of felt the polypropylene and cellulose together.
    I think the off center is artistic. It looks like it follows the golden proportion, which makes a pleasing composition. But if you don’t like it maybe the diamond weave pattern will work well in removing it.

  18. Mike says:

    Pfffft. Diamond weave. That’s the biggest scam since the “Neverending Story” and “Girl Scout Cookies”.


  19. diane says:

    I’ve never understood how one could “quilt” or “weave” toilet paper products anyway. I mean, what kind of needles do you use for that sort of thing?

  20. When I heard diamond, I thought they meant studded. What a disappointment!

  21. Shelli says:

    That is really unfortunate. I think the person in charge of marketing for Charmin needs to die. Fab will help you with that.

  22. Do all you men use those adult baby wipes for your ass? I thought it was just Doug. He’s a Cottonelle proponent. I can’t stand to wipe with those things. They’re COLD! I wonder if you could put them in one of those baby wipe warmers…hmm…maybe then they’d be bearable to use.

    And I wouldn’t dare use those with the near hole already poked in them. ACK! Too close to a breach.

  23. Fig says:

    Ever since Mr. Whipple kicked the bucket, Charmin has gone down hill and now they’re just plain lying to us. Diamond weave my ass! I’ll stick with Cottonelle… besides… they fit better in my wipe warmer.

  24. ChillyWilly says:

    I’m a Cottonelle person here, but if I have a coupon, I get the Charmain brand of wipes. The diamond pattern doesn’t seem to make a difference, so long as I feel clean after use.

    This must be wipe discussion week… Howard Stern was just discussing his “baby wipe” situation on Tuesday’s show.

  25. Tracy Lynn says:

    I really have no idea how to respond to this.

  26. Whitenoise says:

    Use the diamond weave to wipe the birdcrap off your car. If you leave it on too long, it ruins the paint. Trust me on this.

  27. Catherine says:

    Cottonelle is the best thing to happen to these sorts of products in a long time. Cheers to Kleenex.

  28. Jonathan says:

    Those Charmin bears have anal fixations. They seem to overly enjoy going to the tree.

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