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Posted on Friday, September 15th, 2006

Dave!How is it that people can live as if they will never grow old?

I'm walking over to the bakery and end up crossing the street opposite an elderly lady who is having a bit of a tough time walking. But, to her credit, she's slowly making her way across the street with a smile on her face. I cannot help but admire her fortitude in bypassing a scooter cart in favor of walking when it's obviously difficult for her (though, given the criminal state of healthcare for the elderly, maybe she can't afford a scooter and has no choice but to walk).

Sadly, not everybody feels the same way.

There at the crosswalk inside a giant redneck pick-up truck is some ass-wipe revving his engine at her.

If it weren't so sad, it might be funny. I mean, she can barely walk... the only way she could possibly move any faster would be if the dumbass were to hop out of his truck and carry her across. But there he is, revving that engine up as if the old lady will suddenly start running to get out of his way.

Out of respect for the woman, I didn't scream obscenities at the f#@%er, toss a garbage can through his front windshield, then slash his tires... but I sure wanted to. A pity I didn't have a knife on me or I definitely would have thought twice about ruining his shit.

And because of all this, I've decided to embrace my Scottish Heritage and start wearing a kilt...

Dave Kilt

As a descendant from Clan Munro of the Scottish Highlands, I've got my own tartan pattern and even a bad-ass Clan Badge...

Munro Dread God!

Look at that golden eagle... doesn't he look like he's about to kick some ass? And what about that motto... "Dread God"... that's pretty serious (meaning "Fear God"). Clan Munro has some hefty balls to be flashing that around!

But, back to the point, the reason I want to start wearing a kilt is that part of the ceremonial kilt dressing is what's called a "Sgian Dubh" which is Gaelic for "Black Knife." It's a totally sweet pointy dagger with a bitchin' black handle that you tuck in your sock. If I were to start packing that around, I'd always have something handy for slashing the tires of inconsiderate rednecks who rev their engines at old ladies.

As a side-benefit, you also get to have a "Sporran" hanging from your belt to put stuff in. Yeah, it's pretty much just a man-purse... but I figure if you're already wearing a skirt, what have you got to lose? It looks big enough to hold my Nintendo DS and a pack of smokes* along with my wallet!


* Okay, I don't smoke, but anybody who goes around slashing tires of rude bastards should probably at least act like they do. Being a bad-ass tire-slasher looks so much cooler when you have a cigarette hanging from your mouth.

Categories: DaveLife 2006, DaveToons 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. jodi says:

    when my father found out about our scottish heritage, he started wearing a butter knife in his sock around the house, pulling out the map and planning a trip to scottland to take back out castle.

    our motto is “through” that’s it. just through.

  2. Anonymous says:

    No, Dave. A bad ass rolls his smokes up in his sleeve. He does not secure them in his ‘man purse’.

    I can’t believe I actually had to explain that. *shakes head *

  3. Dave2 says:

    Okay… whoever just wrote that had me laughing for five solid minutes.

  4. Dave2 says:

    Make that ten. 😀

  5. mooselet says:

    When my brother was married nearly 6 years ago, he decided he was going to forego the tux and wear a kilt. We’re Irish, not Scottish, but he figured ancient Celts were pretty much related so he could get away with it. He went all out, had the knife tucked into his sock, the man-purse in which he kept a flask of “liquid refreshment” and the traditional nothing underneath (I took his word at that one). He still finds occassions on which to wear it. I also have picture of my then 5 year old son as the ring bearer wearing his kilt, although we skipped the knife in the sock with him. So if you need advice on where to get these items, I’ll put the two of you in touch.

    Oh, and assholes who rev their engines at little old ladies should have large items inserted into their backsides.

  6. Kyra says:

    🙂 I’m scottish too! Our clan chieftan looks like Dumbledore from Harry Potter. AND lives in a castle (ardblair). I’m thinking about bailing on all my obligatiions and moving in to live off the clan… think they’d mind?

    And hey – you know a nice pair of muscled legs in a kilt just can not be beat, most women would agree.

    The sporran is fine, unless it’s hot pink, and then we need to have a talk.

    So… um… Wanna go steal some cows?

  7. lspryszak says:

    Make sure you wear the requisite Scottish undergarment under your trusty kilt. At my daughter’s wedding to a Glasgow boy (in full Scottish regalia) it was somewhat disconcerting dancing with my son-in-law, knowing what I know about said “regalia”.

  8. Tracy Lynn says:

    I’m Anonymous. Although clever on an occasional basis, I am apparently incapable of signing my comments.

  9. Mark says:

    I thought you were a Buddhist.

  10. Kristin says:

    I’m Clan Gunn. 🙂 I have always wanted to knit a pair of kilt hose.

  11. I have always had a thing for guys in kilts.

    My friends The McKinley’s are Scottish, and for one of their weddings we all went full out in clan gear.

    You should definately go for it since your clan has such a cool badge. I would do that with my Native American Clan stuff if I were not from the Beaver Clan.

    Oh, and it’s not a ‘man-purse’, it’s a ‘European CarryAll’.

  12. Laurence says:

    Lil Dave wearing a kilt is so sexy !

    Your “Sgian Dubh” is more pratical than mine ! I have Viking heritage and their weapons were swords, hatchets…
    I think that this kind of weapon can’t hide in socks. 😉

  13. Sayuri says:

    Why do you think all Scottish men wear Kilts? You surely don’t think it’s for the ventilation?

    I would love to see you in a kilt Dave!

    I was walking along Princess Street in Edinburgh today and counted not one, not two but six men dressed in kilts along the way! So you could totally get away with it. Over here at least!

  14. Laurence says:

    I forget the Clan Badge…
    Yeah ! Il est vraiment trop cool !

    I forget the bakery…
    Maybe you shouldn’t go to the bakery… Maybe the problem is the bakery… Yes… You want to kill someone when you go to the bakery… 😀

  15. Avitable says:

    The eagle looks well prepared to perform vigorous rounds of cunnilingus.

  16. Jeff says:

    I’m thinking that f#@%er in the pickup truck should be kill’t!

  17. SJ says:

    Sorry, Avitable’s comment made me forget what I was going to say.

    Great. Now I’ll have another bird thing to have nightmares about.

  18. delmer says:

    Oh, about 1986 I was in downtown Columbus. A homeless guy was pushing his cart across the road in front of me. Sitting in the BMW to my left was — I assumed early on — a couple of Young Republicans; male and female.

    As the guy pushed his cart in front of the Beemer, they Young Reps gave him a nice, long honk of the horn and then laughed gleefully as he jumped.

  19. adena says:

    So, I’m a redhead whose last name is Bailey. I’m pretty sure I’m Irish…..:)

    Nice Kilt! (and man purse)

  20. Belinda says:

    My favorite kilt-related quote was one reported from the set of “Braveheart,” where they used some actual salty old Scotsmen as extras. When asked what he wore under his kilt, he growled, “Yer woif’s lipstick!”


    Also? If Jack Bauer can wear a man-purse and still maintain near-lethal testosterone levels, so can you. You just have to carry nuclear detonation devices and a satellite phone and a cyanide capsule in there.

  21. Wayne Hall says:

    Whoa, ‘Young Republicans’? Like they have the market cornered on luxury cars and rudeness?

    Re: the idiot revving his engine at Aunt Bea… All I’s gotta say is Karma’s a bitch. He’ll get his come-uppin’s eventually.

    Oh wait, I just thought of something. Maybe Aunt Bea is the one getting *her* karma from previous lives’ transgressions.

    That’s the problem with Karma. You can never tell when someone does something mean to someone else if they’re racking up bad Karma points in your account or if they’re just doing your job by collecting from someone else.

    It’d be nice if we had a ‘Karma gauge’ where we could see people’s Karma balance. Oh wait, I just thought of my next killer app website!

  22. Malin says:

    What you are describing is sad, I hate to see old ladies walking slowly across the street.

    But, it’s always fun to see old ladies run (well, you could call it run since it is pretty fast) to the crossing with their scooter cart over their head , and when they are about to go over they put it down and walks as slowly as possible just to annoy everyone…

  23. Andy says:

    That story reminds me about the old lady video on you tube – I loved this one. Wish it would happen all the time.

  24. karla says:

    The best part of kilts and sporrans is that the girls will say “is the a sgian dubh in your sporran or are you just glad to see me”.

    And of course “my what big sgian dubh you’ve got”.


    I’m part scottish, too. Man I love Scotland. I have some Scottish friends here and I have trained my self to totally understand the Scottish accent. One of them even bought a t-shirt that says “if it’s not Scottish it’s crap” and he wears it in my honor. It’s pretty funny.

  25. lizriz says:

    I’m so late to this party…

    But, yeah, kilts, you know…



  26. Riftalope says:

    (Even more late to the party…)
    Can you say Utilikilt? Yes, they’ve put useful belt slot on a modern kilt. They weighted the front too. I’ve tried a friend’s kilt out for a day and it was OK. Being a nudist, it did have moments of only being half free. Sorry if I’m being too commercial. (

    About the sporran, I think they wanted something in front to make it less obvious when a man sees a pretty lass and has a reaction. And think of the smeggy wet spot you’d get with mister uncut rubbing one place in a day’s marching. What the heck, make it a useful pouch too.

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