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Posted on Friday, August 19th, 2005

Dave!I am a person who likes other people (well, I like other people when they're not being stupid). I particularly enjoy people who have beliefs and ideas that are different than my own, because that's what makes life on this planet so interesting. This is probably why I like to travel so much, because I get exposed to different people which help me to broaden my mind and shape how I see the world around me.

Because of my love of different cultures and ways of thinking, I have a profound respect for beliefs that other people hold sacred. So long as what you believe doesn't disrespect, diminish or infringe on other people or their lives... I have no problem with it. Feel free to believe, worship, and conduct your life as you see fit. Be happy.

This is, after all, is what America is supposed to be all about.

Sadly, this is not what we are actually about... at least not right now.

Since it is considered a Very Bad Thing to teach "creationism" in a school that's supposed to be free from religion... there are whack-jobs intent on being all sneaky about it by re-branding it as "Intelligent Design." So instead of saying "God created us" they want to say "Some higher being created us" - thus posing an alternative to evolution in the classroom. Of course, their INTENT is that this "higher being" is actually "God" and so... tee hee hee... suddenly you can teach creationism, because God is referred to in abstract terms.


But the odd thing about Intelligent Design is that the "some higher being" could selectively be thought of as absolutely anything. Now a new movement has been formed to say that this being is actually The Flying Spaghetti Monster. Followers maintain that The Universe and everything in it was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster, and all evidence of evolution was put in place by His Noodly Appendage as a test of faith. But the really cool part is that they also believe that global warming, earthquakes, and hurricanes are caused by the decline in the number of pirates since 1800 (and provide evidence to back it up)... so all "Pastafarians" dress as pirates.


But, when it comes to intelligent design, I have another theory entirely. I believe that, since the world obviously revolves around me, that I was the one who created The Universe and everything in it (along with My Divine Monkey). This means you, and everything around you, is just a bad dream that I am having.


Unfortunately this also means that once my nap is over, you will cease to exist. So, in the meanwhile, feel free to run around dressed up as pirates and worship me with gifts and praise. The longer you keep my dream world interesting, the less likely it is that I will feel like waking up and eradicating you from reality.

Dave Lord

"Vengeance is mine saith The Dave!"

Now all I have to do is find out who I need to talk to about getting Intelligent Dave Design introduced into school textbooks...

Categories: DaveLife 2005Click To It: Permalink


  1. Kevin says:

    What kind of upbringing must one have to wind up with as twisted a mind as you possess?

    God I love reading your damn blog!

    Since we’re in your imaginary world, can I praise you with a brand new X-Box 720 with a copy of Sid Meier’s Pirates 4D? Would that be an acceptable homage to the great Dave?

  2. Andy says:

    Personally i think you must have eaten some bad spaghetti last night in order for you to dream all this up.

  3. Dennis says:

    Before I decide which religion to sign up for, I must pose an important question. As a Pastafarian I’d be religiously required to dress as a pirate and take Fridays off as a religious holiday. What perks do you offer to compel me to convert, and, incidentally, what would I call myself?

  4. karla says:

    Can I pull your finger?

  5. SJ says:

    My tribute to Your Daveness is up on CL.

  6. lizriz says:

    I’ve actually been seriously bumming on this exact topic since skimming a front page article in the New York Times about it this weekend.

    This post made me feel a teeny bit better.

    Thank you! đŸ™‚

  7. Richard says:

    You need to send your details to the Kansas State Board of Education, contact details here:

  8. I LOVE the Flying Spaghetti Monster! I bought a t-shirt, even! And a blasphemous Darwin-Jesusfish!

    I do love your blog. What a beautiful mind you must possess!

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