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Posted on Sunday, April 30th, 2006

Dave!Most of my weekend has been spent working.

Ordinarily this wouldn't bother me, but now that good weather has arrived, I really want to pull my motorcycle out of storage. Problem is, it's going to take at least a day to rip her apart, de-winterize her, charge the battery, and clean her up. Unfortunately, I just don't have that kind of time to spare. So instead I worked, washed clothes, ate Pop-Tarts, drank Coke with Lime, and drew a "Pain Chart" for Belinda over at Ninja Poodles.

You see, during a recent visit to the ER for a migraine, Belinda was presented with this pain chart which has these goofy-looking green balloon-heads and says "If you are in pain, let your doctor or nurse know how bad your pain really is". I remember that they had something similar when I visited the ER with my kidney stones incident, but I was screaming so loud that I don't think they bothered to use it. This was surprising, because all the screaming didn't seem to motivate them into giving me any drugs until after an hour and twenty minutes had passed.

Anyway, here's the chart...

Pain Chart

Belinda felt this was totally inadequate, and thought it would be better if I redrew it with Bad Monkey instead of a green balloon head. But since monkeys are screeching all the time and it's hard to know if they are in pain or not, I decided to use Cartoon Dave instead....

Are you in pain?

  • NO PAIN: The only time that I am feeling no pain is when I am drunk and happy. This is me being drunk and happy. You can tell that I am happy because I have a smile on my face. Likewise, you can tell I am drunk because I am smiling.
  • MILD PAIN: I am in "mild pain" all the time. This is what I look like all the time.
  • MODERATE PAIN: When I smash my finger or get a paper cut, it makes me unhappy. This is me being unhappy. You can tell that I am unhappy because I am making a frowny face.
  • SEVERE PAIN: I grit my teeth a lot when I am in severe pain, and usually my eye starts twitching as my face gets all scrunchy. The reason I grit my teeth is because it keeps me from saying curse words... well, it doesn't stop me completely, but at least when I say "szeet" and "fookh" people don't have the slightest idea what I am talking about. This is the face that I make when I see a Jarod Subway commercial, accidentally tune into FOX News, or have to watch David Caruso "act".
  • WORST PAIN: Yeah, when I get to this point I'm pretty much screaming my head off and yelling F#@%! as loud as I can. Fortunately, I've only been in this kind of pain three or four times. Let's see... there were the kidney stones, President Bush getting elected for a second term, President Bush getting elected for a first term, having my heart broken by a lying sadistic bitch, and watching Mariah Carrey in Glitter. Hmmm... I guess that's five.

After making the pain chart, it got me to wondering what other useful charts there should be...

Are you insane?

Are you evil?

Are you a dick?

I was going to do an "Are You a Dumbass" chart, but that would have to be a big-ass chart to truly capture the many shades of dumbass that I run across on a daily basis.

Oh well. Back to work...

Categories: DaveLife 2006, DaveToons 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. Chase says:

    ROFL!!! It doesn’t get much better than that. Nutjob.

  2. adena says:

    Clearly you have too much time on your hands. Go ahead, protest otherwise…we can tell what’s REALLY going on!!

    But, not that I’m complaining…those are hysterical!

  3. Grins says:

    Those are absolutely fabulous! And thankfully I’ve never been presented with the pain chart while in the ER with a migrane. I just tell them where it is on the 1-10 scale and then threaten to throw up on their shoes if they don’t turn the obnoxious overhead lights off and give me meds.

  4. jodi says:

    those charts are pretty much genius. i used to think i might be insane, but when i looked at your chart, i realized… i’m really just kermit!

    thank you!

  5. Rabbit says:

    Where did you rate on the “Are You Bored?” chart when you drew those?

    (They’re awesome, nonetheless.)

  6. mikey says:

    I can’t read your postings anymore because I am laughing so hard at the pics.

  7. Harold says:

    What a hoot ! I laughed my ass off with the Pat Robertson, Dick Cheney, and Bill O’Reilly cartoons
    Now that I’m retired, my day starts with your “Blog” in the morning and then it’s off to the Casino for fun….what a life….what a Country !!!!

  8. claire says:

    Those are great!

    Magazine Man made up a pretty descriptive pain list that makes a lot of sense to me. I can’t find it just now, but it started with:
    one or two I don’t recall here, and ended with

    If you two combined efforts, we’d have a really useful chart.

  9. Rob says:

    So if you were to compare Jarod from subway to the are you a dick chart would he be a massive tool?

  10. Jeff says:

    I can’t say I agree with your scale of tool. You may have understated “massive” in my opinion. But then again I probably watch too much porn.

  11. Hahahhaha!

    What face do you make when you can’t find your Coke with Lime?

  12. Tink says:

    Well you have Dick Cheney, Bill O’Reilly, and Pat Robertson covered…now where does Pres Bush fall?

  13. Chanakin says:


    There’s nothing more to say…

  14. Phil says:

    Excellent charts!

  15. Steph says:

    OMG….that was some of the funniest shit I’ve read in a long time. thanks so much for the laugh!

  16. nancycle says:

    Are you evil, are you insane and are you a dick … Just wondering about practical applications for these superbly illustrated charts …

    🙂 Very cute Dave.

  17. Karl says:

    Heh, hopefully all of these charts will be globally adopted.

  18. LLA says:

    How brilliant are these?

    I’m particularly fond of “How Evil”….

  19. Neil says:

    I think you seriously need to think about doing a real chart for a hospital. I know for a fact that when my mother-in-law went into the hospital recently (who knows very little English) she was given one of those “pain” charts and she didn’t understand what the hell was going on. I’m sure with your clear illustrations, health care in this country would improve tremendously.

  20. This is funny stuff I never thought of Kermit when I think of evil. The Mean Green Machine at his worst! Love the drawings

  21. margalit says:

    Can I please give the Are You Insane chart to my therapist? He would love it.

  22. Dave2 says:

    Chase: Well, sure it could be better! There could be pictures of ELIZABETH HURLEY NAKED in it!

    Adena: Too much time on my hands? I drew those in-between bites while eating lunch! Today of all days, I most definitely did not have extra time! 🙂

    Grins: I think these charts are a ridiculous way for ER staff to get out of doing their job. They don’t want to be bothered observing you, so they have you self-diagnose your pain? Isn’t that kind of silly? If you are in the EMERGENCY ROOM, wouldn’t your pain pretty much be guaranteed to be a 10? Otherwise, I’d just make an appointment with the doctor!

    Jodi: Sanity is rated from “calm monkey” to “Pat Robinson”… Kermit is on the “Evil” scale. I’d say any blogger gets an automatic 4 on the insanity scale. 🙂

    Rabbit: I was not at all bored. I was in the middle of a very busy work day. I think everybody must be seriously overestimating how long it takes me to draw stuff like this! 😀

    Mikey: Oh good! I won’t bother to write anything anymore and just use pictures! That will speed things up considerably, because I can draw much faster than I can write!

    Harold: What a second… my “blog”? You are putting “blog” in quotes here? What are you implying? Are you saying that this isn’t a REAL “blog” at all? That this is some kind of quote/unquote “FAKE” blog? Eh. You’re probably right. 🙂

    Claire: The good thing about getting an “ouchie” is that all it takes is a kiss to make it all better!

    Rob: Well, he’s certainly not as big a dick as Bill O’Reilly, so I’m guessing that “massive tool” is about right.

    Jeff: Each of those penises are exponentially bigger than the one before. If you extrapolate it properly, that “massive tool” is ten inches… flaccid. I think that certainly qualifies!

    Reluctant Housewife: That would be “severe pain”… a Coke addiction is a hard habit to break.

    Tink: He’s off the charts.

    Chanakin: I actually understood that. I am very scared right now.

    Phil: I thought they were kind of silly when I did them… but everybody seems to agree with you, so i am thinking that they are rather excellent myself!

    Steph: Really? You’re welcome then.

    Nancycle: I’d say that these charts are perfect for rating politicians so you can decide how best to cast your vote.

    Karl: Or at least adopted globally… one or the other. 🙂

    LLA: They’re totally brilliant! Even though I have one of the brightest minds on the planet, I am still in awe of myself for having thought them up!

    Neil: Can’t blame her. I’d think that anybody would have trouble relating to pictures of green balloon-headed people… seeing how humans are neither green or balloon-headed.

    Anthony: Ah, but if you will note… Kermit is a ZERO on the “Evil Scale”. That means he’s absolutely not evil at all. On the contrary, Kermit is a sign of all that is good in this world! 🙂

    Margalit: As long as your therapist isn’t Pat Robertson, I’d think that would be perfectly okay. 😀

  23. Bec says:

    The “No Pain” Dave looks like he’s planning something – no one looks that sweet… unless they’re planning something.

  24. Dave2 says:

    Or drunk.


  25. Belinda says:

    Tink: ‘W’ would be on the “Are you stupid?” or “Are you oblivious?” charts.

    Dave, I love you forever for this. As if I needed another reason. And I also love that, by extension, you’ve now made Kevin evil. He SO wants to be evil.

    And my husband said that the “no pain” ballon-head guy looked like he might be getting, um, “serviced” at that moment.

    I find that screaming will get you triaged out of the waiting room faster, but it doesn’t really get you seen or attended to by the doctor faster.

    And my pain scale would not end with labor. I’ve experienced MUCH worse pain than labor. That baby-havin’ was a piece of cake compared to some other junk.

    I’m saving the “Are You Crazy?” chart 4-EVER.

  26. Bec says:

    Ah, drunk, when the best plans are formulated. It’s just a shame that the alcohol takes the memories away and blocks our ability to make a coherant permanent record of them!

  27. Erin says:

    Wow. Just, wow.

    These truly made my day – thank you. I’m brining your pain chart with me the next time I have to go to the ER.

  28. Mooselet says:

    I’ve got to come to the defense of nurses in the ER, and everywhere else, over having the patient do the work of rating their pain. Pain is subjective – mine 10 is not your 10. It’s not a temperature or blood pressure that’s a standard number. And you’d be surprised at the number of people who turn up at the ER who rate their pain surprisingly low.

    That being said, Worst Pain Dave looks like he could be rocking out at an AC/DC concert as well as trying to cut his own hand off. And Burt looks really PO’d… he’s scaring me!!

  29. Tara says:

    First time reader here – Sooo funny, and I needed the laugh..thank you

  30. Bre says:

    I used the hospital charts to my advantage after my surgery when I wanted to get the heck out of there. My pain was nowhere near a 2 (much higher), but I heard another lady say hers was a 2 and they let her go home… guess what I told them mine was?

    In other news – I feel like Bert should rank much higher on the evil chart – he gave me nightmares as a child!

  31. suze says:

    heehee! I love those charts.
    although i kind of think that worst-pain-possible dave looks more like he’s laughing than screaming. rather like “hahaha, you’re in such terrible pain, sucka!” rather than “oh my god it hurts so hard…”

    but that might just be me…

  32. Kevin says:

    And will ya look at my Gravatar!!! I’m good, baby!

  33. sandra says:

    There really should be a chart featuring Elizabeth Hurley. She might be sad not to be included in your newest Davetoons extravaganza…

  34. Challen says:

    Those were too funny! Especially if you’ve ever had to go to the hospital and have them ask you where you were at! Had my appendix out and while I was sitting there it escalated from 5 to around 11! Huh huh you said Tool!

  35. Bryan says:

    I think you brought the pain on yourself by watching Glitter in the first place.

  36. ChillyWilly says:

    That was great. Loved all of the charts…. the “massive tool” slot made me laugh to a hurting point.

  37. Doug says:

    Belinda sent me. Thanks for the fun. The cartoon on the right side of the last scale is kind of obscene, though.

  38. ms. sizzle says:

    how much do i love those? so much. so funny.

  39. Deb_LA says:

    Um, that was awesome. Unfortch, I’m GONNA HAVE TO SUE YOUR ASS for it.

  40. Mocha says:

    A little explanation is in order here:

    Last year I decided to not get one, but TWO degrees at once. This is on top of my job and children and husband (not necessarily in that order). Today I decided to visit JUST ONCE SITE since I have 2 ten-page papers looming over my head.

    Belinda’s was it.

    So, of course, I had to come here. I’ve had this serious countenance all day in front of my laptop until I laughed uproariously at this post and had to tell my children to leave mommy alone so she should laugh at the penis chart in peace.

    Well done, Dave. Well done.

  41. kilax says:

    I love how all the charts end in pictures of people 🙂

  42. jenB says:


    truly amazing.

  43. timothy says:

    I’ve questioned my sanity on numerous occasions. Thanks for the Are You Insane? chart! Even on my worst days, I have never come close to Pat Robertson. What a relief! If pursing one’s lips to the right is an indicator of one’s sanity, then I can live with the idea that I’m a bit crazy. Or do the indicators only apply to monkeys and Pat?

  44. NursePam says:

    They are all hysterical. I love your penises. Especially the really big dick on the far right.

    But I am even more in love with your pain charts. As a nurse I find the standard to be a ZERO on the usefulness scale. Especially when it comes to How useful is this to the patient?

    Great site.

  45. digibrill says:

    Good stuff. I second the question – when did you find time to do all that?

  46. jozet says:


    Love the Are You Evil!

    And phew! What relief to know that by some standard, I’m not a dick. Or, rather, I’m dickless. That’s the same thing, right?

  47. Moley123 says:

    Fabulous! I thank Mocha for sending me here and for a first time read i’ve laughed loads! Ty ty ty for bringing a smile to my face in an otherwise dull day!

  48. TLC says:

    Those are so great! I was thinking on the Insane Meter that Bush is just below Pat Robertson, though.

    Very creative. Love it.

  49. ThereseN, RN says:

    Okay, as I nurse, I’ve had a lot of experience with explaining the pain chart, and yes, Dave, I like your pictures better than the little green alien dude. The part I find aggravating about the charts is when I have to ask: “If I, as your nurse, cannot completely eliminate your pain, what level of pain is acceptable to you? i.e. at what level of pain can you still function, and participate in your care?” Most people who have not experienced pain tell me 0 or 1, and most people who have experienced pain will tell me 6 or 8. As a nurse, the answer I am expecting is 3 to 5. That’s NEVER the answer I get. Maybe I would have better luck getting my 3 to 5 answer if I used the Dave Pain Chart.

  50. Challen says:

    You’ve never experienced pain until you’ve listened to people try to sell you on why Kerry didn’t make the last president. Come on now! That and how much plastic surgery can Arnuld have to appease his wife! What is up with that mouth of his!

  51. Brent says:

    Excellent stuff here. Really funny work. Some of your most clever and hilarious illustrations. Cheers.

  52. R says:

    You are so right on! Except I was more frightened than pained by the Bush re-election . . .

    I think the chart for the stages of labor looks a lot like the first one. Except I think expletives were spewing from the mouth of the last head . . .



  53. Thanks to my children, yesterday I was a Pat Robertson! WOOHOO!

  54. Mary Jane Miller says:

    the doctor’s always say that laughter is the best medicine, so thanks! I think.

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