A couple months ago I was in an auto parts store.*

While waiting in line to pay for whatever it was I was buying**, the guy behind me announced "I gotta take a dump like nobody's business, so can we hurry the line up?"

Naturally, I found this fascinating.

Not that the guy had to take a raging poop, but that he felt comfortable sharing such information. It had me curious to know why this was, and what other personal business he'd be sharing with us that day. Fortunately, I left before finding out.

And then I remembered that the internet is so much worse. People are forever talking about their bodily functions, their health problems, their relationships, and other personal crap online. I always thought that it was the abstraction... having a computer (or phone or whatever) in-between the person and their audience... that made this possible, but I guess that's not the case. People just like to share. Misery loves company, and all that.

People also love money, which explains shows like Jerry Springer, The Bachelor, Judge Judy, and the rest. For me, the bigger mystery would have to be Why do other people care enough to tune in, but whatever.

ANYWAY...

The reason I bring this up is that I am still getting email because of my "diaper problem."

Never mind that I don't actually have a "diaper problem" and it was a joke comment left on another person's site, people follow a link back to my blog, find my email address, and are compelled to write. Usually with suggestions of diaper brands... but also to share tips & tricks or to let me know about diaper support communities or (worst-case scenario) diaper fetish sites.

That's all well and good, I guess. Most of the people are simply trying to be helpful.

But today's email had photos attached.

And now that my retinas have stopped burning, I can see that there are times when the sharing goes too far. Waaayyyyy too far.

Though, now that I think about it, I really should have printed those photos before deleting the email. That way, the next time somebody announces they need to take a dump while I'm waiting in line at the auto parts store,*** I can show them a way to avoid such an uncomfortable situation in the future.

Or get punched in the face. One or the other.

*Don't ask me why. I wouldn't know what to do with an auto part. Any auto part.

**Seriously, I have no idea what I was buying. I'd say it was replacement wiper blades (that's the only thing I'd know how to fix) but the blades on my car are shit, so that wasn't it.

***Though I still have no clue why I would go back to an auto parts store. WHAT IN THE HECK WAS I DOING THERE?!?

"Holy crap it's dark out tonight!" I said to myself as I strained against the darkness. This was surprising because I left work only a half-hour later than usual. I wanted to see if the moon was obstructed, but didn't want to take my eyes off the road, so I gave up. I've driven the route home hundreds of time so there wasn't a problem, but it was still kind of freaking me out. Do I have glaucoma? Am I night-blind now?

Nope. When I got home I noticed I had my sunglasses on for some reason and didn't realize it.

I wear my sunglasses at night. So I can... so I can... see the light that's right before my eyes!

   
And speaking of stumbling around in the dark...

Who still listens to this disgusting fraud?

I don't know what's more surprising... the fact that Pat Robertson can command "God" to show him stuff... or that he seems to feel that the crazy shit he says doesn't contribute to the "internal stress that's tearing this country apart." And, of course, "God" says it's all President Obama's fault, so there's that. Seems kind of silly. I mean, Robertson says that "God" causes earthquakes because He doesn't like the gays... why can't He just put a tornado on The White House front lawn? Robertson's "God" sure sounds wishy-washy. But fictional delusions can be that way.

I'd say when it comes to the wholesale blasphemy of putting words in God's mouth, it looks like Pat Robertson has the market cornered. What a hateful piece of shit.

He can't roast in hell fast enough.

It used to be that when I heard somebody say "I'm my own worst enemy" I would reply "THEN STOP FIGHTING WITH YOURSELF, YA MORON!"

Not out loud, of course. I'd say it in my head. But I always thought this was the stupidest saying ever because anybody who has themselves as an enemy and is still alive must be really bad in a fight. If I were MY own worst enemy, there'd be no survivors.

But lately I've had a change of heart.

Sometimes enemies are so lethal that they are at a perpetual stalemate. Which means there doesn't necessarily have to be death and destruction when facing off with an arch-rival...

That's pretty much me right now.

Except all the fight has been beaten out of me over the past month, so it's not that I'm too lethal to battle myself, it's that I'm too tired to put up much of a fight.

Which means my own worst enemy is badly in need of an ass-kicking.

If only I cared enough to give one to myself.

For the past couple weeks I have been feeling badly dehydrated all day long. I'd say it was the dry winter air wrecking havoc on me, but I've never had this problem before. The upshot is that I am constantly drinking fluids, which means I can't stop peeing. I have to pee right now and I just went pee a half-hour ago. I'd run to the bathroom to pee, but I'd just end up having to pee again once I got back to my computer. So now I'm dancing in my chair with the hope that I can put off peeing for just a little while longer.

Except all this talk about going pee has just made things worse.

DAMMIT!

And now I'm back.

This would all be a lot easier if I just stood in the bathroom all day long while somebody kept me permanently saturated with Gatorade...

   
Or somebody just has to start manufacturing my Dream Bed with a Toilet...

Alas, I'm not going to hold my breath.

What I am going to do is reach for my water bottle since I'm parched again.

Drinking all this water is supposed to be healthy, but it sure doesn't feel like it when I have to go pee every 20 minutes.

Maybe it's time to start looking into those adult diapers after all?

And so this happened...

   
Now that Rick "Piece of Shit" Santorum has come in a pathetic fifth place after Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman, and Newt Gingrich, is it too much to hope that he drops out of the race?

Because please, Rick, please drop out of the race.

I am just done with your stupid fucked-up racist, homophobic, sexophobic, anti-woman, anti-college, anti-poor, anti-environment, anti-gay, anti-diversity, anti-American bullshit, and there's no place in this country for your disgusting hate-filled rhetoric.

Just be content that you took a big ol' dump on the USA and move on.

Then never show your face in public again. The only thing I ever want to see of you is the giant shit stain that's left once you've been scraped off the face of America and tossed in the garbage where you belong.

Oh, and before I forget... fuck you for shitting all over my country. That stain is not going to be an easy thing to get out. Even with some Oxi-Clean and a bottle of Clorox.

I don't really believe in old wive's tales and superstitions and stuff. Sure I feel that most superstitions are probably rooted in a grain of truth since they keep getting reinforced through the ages. But time has a way of warping the truth, so it's not like I think that "stepping on a crack will break my mother's back"... or "wishing on a shooting star makes your wish come true"... or that "Friday the 13th is is an unlucky day."

But boy was my belief (or lack thereof) tested today.

Because if I believed in luck, this would have been a horribly unlucky day. So many things kept going wrong that it felt as if my world had been turned up-side-down...

   
But now that the day is over, I've decided it was just a coincidence. Bad days happen from time to time, mine happened to be on Friday the 13th, and now I - - -

Uhhh... ow.

Just as I was typing that last sentence, I got a wicked leg cramp.

Guess it's probably best to stop writing... post this entry... and then go to bed before my living room explodes or something...

   
Stupid Friday the 13th.

It's Bullet Sunday and I'm so happy I could crap my pants!

   
• That Dog Won't Hunt! So Jon Huntsman, the only Republican candidate that I might have voted for, is dropping out of the race. And since the remaining candidates will be hard pressed to sway independent voters to their respective agendas, I guess that we're in for four more years of President Obama. Unless he punches Betty White in the face while wiping his ass with the American flag during a televised White House press conference or something.

Now, if you will excuse me, I shall now go and mourn the loss of what could have been our three First Daughters...

Sadly, Mitt Romney has no hot daughters (that he knows of, I'm sure). Though I'm starting to wonder if he'll even be a factor now that Stephen Colbert has entered the race in South Carolina and these wicked attack ads are airing...

Genius. And it's funny because it's true!

   
• It's a Fucking Frog! Just when I think that it's impossible for nature to shock me more than it already has... along comes The World's Tiniest Frog...

Photograph by Christopher Austin, Louisiana State University

How?

How in the hell is this even possible? That's a DIME! And that's an actual frog sitting on top... not even half the size of the coin. How does its lungs function when they must barely be the size of the air molecules they breathe in? Unbelievable. And cute. Lookat da iddybitty froggy!

   
• ZOMFG it's Music! After one of my favorite bands, The Shins, kind of imploded... I worried that we'd never hear from them again. Shins mastermind James Mercer appeared to move on to a new collaboration called Broken Bells with DJ Danger Mouse, so I figured that was the end of it. But lo and behold this last week I got an iTunes pre-sale notice for a new band line-up and a new album called Port of Morrow...

My expectations are high. Fortunately, the preview track Simple Song didn't disappoint. Can't wait until I get to hear the rest of the album in March. You can pre-order your own copy at the iTunes Music Store here.

   
• Eggxactly Right! Because groceries are so stupid-expensive, I find myself buying foodstuffs not because I necessarily want them, but because they're on sale for cheap. Most of the time, this comes back to bite me in the ass, but every once in a while I stumble across something so delicious that I wonder how I ever survived without it. Such was the case with Crystal Farms' "Three Cheese Chef's Omlet" from the freezer case...

Holy cow. It's the perfect omelet. Light, fluffy, and loaded with quality, flavorful cheese... from a frickin' microwave! When served on buttered toast with a little ground pepper... it's a quick and easy breakfast that's so good. Which means that it's probably being discontinued and the reason it was on sale was because they were clearing out their inventory. Crap.

   
• Well I'll Be! And so Washington State is dangerously close to passing Marriage Equality legislation. Color me pleasantly surprised. Despite the fact that "The Coast" is decidedly liberal... the view from Redneckistan here on the other side of the mountains is often cloudy when it comes to gay marriage. Oh I'm sure there are many people here who have no problem with everybody getting their fair shot at happiness (as promised when our country was founded). And there's undoubtedly a growing number of people here who are tired of their gay friends and family being relegated to second class citizens. And it's certain that more and more heterosexual couples are realizing that same-sex marriage has -zero- effect on their marriage. And it seems many Conservatives are finally figuring out the smaller government includes getting politics out of bedrooms and keeping religion out of politics.

So maybe.

It just comes down to whether enough politicians will do the right thing and move forward in a way that an increasing majority of Americans want to have happen. Here's hoping.

   
And now I have to get back to work. And Dune, which is playing as background noise here in my living room. THE SPICE MUST FLOW!

What a freaky-ass day.

I can only guess that this has something to do with the Chinese New Year beginning. It's The Year of the Dragon, after all. And while I don't put much stock into the Chinese Zodiac, I do think it's a pretty entertaining and well-thought-out concept. Especially since Dragons have Rats and Monkeys as bestest friends, which is kind of cool if you ask me...

My day started when I went to get into my car and drive to work. And found that I couldn't. There was a sheet of ice a quarter-inch thick covering everything... including the door. This meant fifteen minutes of scraping ice out of the door seams with the bottle opener on my keychain. Then another ten minutes chipping ice off the rest of my car with an ice scraper before my vehicle was fit to drive. It wouldn't have been all that bad if not for the fact that my bottle opener broke, giving up its life so I could go to work. I've had it for over a decade and used it often, but don't think I ever actually opened a bottle with it.

Once I finally made it to work, I was plagued with a series of inexplicably bizarre phone calls (and here I was just saying how much I hated talking on the phone!). The bad news is that it wasted entirely too much of my time. The good news is that I got to alleviate my boredom by getting caught up on Facebook and Twitter.

I also got caught up with entertainment news and learned that Seal and Heidi Klum were breaking up their marriage after seven years. I dunno why, but I was pretty sad to hear it.

And speaking of marriage... I then got caught up on news news and learned that Washington State's Legislature has enough votes to pass marriage equality. Whether this actually happens remains to be seen, but I am really happy that my gay and lesbian friends here in The Evergreen State are one step closer to being able to celebrate their relationships in marriage just like opposite-sex couples can!

Of course, all is not big gay smiles here in The Pacific Northwest...

This is Pastor Ken Hutcherson who is heading up some backwards anti-equality organization had this to say about Washington State Governor Chris Gregoire... "She might as well change her name to John Wilkes Booth because what she’s doing now is trying to put a bullet in the head of one of the greatest traditions that has ever existed and has built our society, and that is marriage between one man and one woman."

Far be it for me to speak ill of a man of the cloth... but what a fucking idiot.

What "puts a bullet in the head of marriage" is DIVORCE you dumbass. And why drag President Lincoln into this? Perhaps you hadn't heard, but the man eventually ended up fighting for equality of peoples in kind of a big way. Not really the best example you could have used.

But whatever.

What's important is that dinosaurs like Pastor Ken are slowly and steadily becoming a thing of the past as new generations of Americans understand that FREEDOM means that you sometimes have to accept shit you don't want to. Don't believe in same-sex marriage? Then how about you don't fucking marry somebody of the same sex?

But I guess I should know better than to try and apply logic to situations like these. To entirely too many people, it's only "freedom" when everything goes your way.

When you wake up to the sound of snowplows scraping the street, it's more difficult than usual to get out of bed. Obviously it snowed last night, could still be snowing, and that means the roads are going to suck.

Except it turns out it wasn't snow, it was rain. Which was freezing over the snow and ended up creating an icy crust all over the roads... and my car. This made driving to work a bit of an ordeal because everybody was sliding on shards of ice...

Tonight it's snowing again, so tomorrow there will be snow on ice on snow.

That's something to look forward to.

   
In other news, I've put my good-bye letter to BlackBerry and RIM in an extended entry...

I thought I lost my passport, so I'm recovering from a total meltdown right now. I hate it when I misplace important stuff like that.

But enough about me.

And so, to the surprise of absolutely nobody, Mitt Romney won the Florida Primary in a cake-walk. Congratulations, Republicans! You might as well have selected President Obama to be your candidate...

   
In all seriousness, Hello Kitty would have a better chance of winning against Obama than Romney...

  
The only way Romney is going to win would be if President Obama punched Betty White in the face while crapping on a bald eagle and then wiping his ass with an American flag during the Super Bowl half-time show as he denounces NASCAR and declares himself an atheist.

And with that mental picture firmly implanted in my brain, I'm off to bed. I probably won't sleep much (as usual), but I've got an incredibly busy day tomorrow, so I might as well pretend to get some rest.

Right after I make sure my passport is still where I think I left it...

Sweet! Today my home state of Washington passed marriage equality into law!

Now it's a waiting game to see whether the anti-equality brigade can get the signatures they need to force a ballot vote. Because it's totally appropriate to put equality to a vote, right?

Argh. I don't even want to think about it.

Because it's not like I've already got some things I'm trying not to think about today.

A friend sent me a video that had an interesting take on political issues from a purely humanitarian point of view. Some of the thinking seemed grossly simplistic and unrealistic but, taken as a whole, it was a fascinating look at how political policy doesn't change as much as you'd think from administration to administration.

In the video there were links to other videos. Which had links to other videos. Which had links to even more videos.

But it was the comment threads that were where the addiction lays. Most times they're so incredibly awful that you're compelled to read them. And just when you think you've read the most horrific thing that somebody could possibly say on the subject, you go to the next comment and it gets even worse. The bigotry, ignorance, racism, lies, and raw hatred sucks you into a vortex of stupidity from which not even light can escape...

And if you don't let go before the Point of No Return, you become just as stupid as the animals who are commenting and are compelled to comment yourself. From there you cross over the event horizon and are doomed to destruction.

Don't believe me? It's SCIENCE, people!

Though I don't know that even science can explain why so many people think that the road to destruction is the best course to follow. Maybe if more effort when into studying stupidity, we could find out why they just can't seem to let it go.

Or why there are people who think that the freedoms this country were founded upon demands equality for its citizens be put to a vote.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Sometimes the best Valentine's Day presents are the ones you get for yourself. And since I know you'd want what's best for me, I hopped right on that.

So thanks so much! I couldn't have asked for a better gift! I absolutely love it!

   
To see Valentines from previous years, visit the Blogography Valentine's Day Cards Page!

Tonight I had a loaf of garlic bread and a glass of Kool-Aid for dinner.

If you can't tell, I've given up on life.

Probably because I have to get up at 3:30am tomorrow so I can make my plane. Usually I wouldn't fly so frickin' early, but the price difference between the early flight and the not-so-early flight was $800, so there you have it. If only I were made of money, I wouldn't have to deal with crap like this.

But I'm not. So I do. Welcome to my world.

I guess I should take a shower and go to bed... or do whatever it is that people do when they have to get up in six hours for a flight. Ooh! What if people eat chocolate pudding and watch Batman cartoons?

Yes. I think that must be what people do.

And so shall I.

So shall I.

What a wacky day!

3:00am
I was hoping that staying up until 11:00 last night would mean I'd sleep until my alarm went off at 3:30 this morning. This was, of course, the wishful thinking of a chronic insomniac. Wide awake at 3:00am. Apparently anything more than four hours sleep will have to stay a dream... a short but wonderful dream.

3:25am
Shower. Get dressed. Pack up my crap. Check my email for flight cancellations (for the third time this morning). Then stare at the clock until 3:50am when I head off to the airport.

4:20am
Arrive at the airport, which won't open for ten minutes. Wasn't stopped by the police for accidental speeding, which is always a plus. Now I'm bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. I surf the internet on my iPhone for twenty minutes to pass the time, then look up to see this:

Since I just added oil last weekend, I can only guess my car is burning oil like a muthertrucker. Yay! I totally have a pile of money back home just waiting to throw at an auto mechanic!

4:45am
The security screening agent asks me if I want to remove my sweatshirt or go for the pat-down. I explain that it's a bit too early for me to have been drinking, so I'll pass on the pat-down and strip off my hoodie. He seems a little too relieved. I'm offended because I am totally grope-worthy this morning! Since I buzzed my head, every day is a good hair day right here! Now I sit and wait to see if my flight will be cancelled because of "mechanical difficulties"... for the third time in a row (=cough= BULLSHIT! =cough=).

5:35am
Oh my dear and fluffy Lord, we're actually boarding the plane! The cabin attendant announces that the weather in Seattle is currently clear, but clouds with a light rain will be moving in later this morning and is "projected to last until July 5th." This gets him a courtesy laugh because it is funny for being (mostly) true... but anybody familiar with Seattle already knows this. I stifle the urge to give him a golf clap because I like to encourage smart-assery whenever I can.

5:40am
My name is "David Simmer II" instead of the more common "David Simmer Jr." because my dad didn't want for people to call me "Junior" (as so often happens). I'm guessing this was because he had hoped I'd become rich and famous so he could sponge off the glory that was  my  his name. But when you think about it, this was a huge risk because what if the opposite happened? What if I instead became an infamous drug addict? Or a serial killer? Or a politician? But luckily (unluckily?) the only meager fame I have is as "That Blography Guy," so my profanity-laden rants on this blog aren't too damaging. Even so, I still get a little excited when I notice somebody else with "II" instead or "Jr." after their name. We're rare, and our dads were notorious risk-takers, so there's a bond there...

Looks like Milton G. Kuolt II's father totally scored...

Sorry, dad... if the only way I can get a plane named after me is to start my own airline, I'm afraid you're out of luck... OR ARE YOU?!?

6:30am
Wheeeeeeee!

Landed in Seattle after taking off as scheduled. Will wonders never cease.

6:35am
And now I start my four-hour layover. Yes, that sucks, but since the flight I was on is canceled ALL THE TIME, I have to allow enough time to drive over to Seattle in the event of "mechanical difficulties." I briefly contemplate hauling ass to SeaTac's South Satellite to catch an earlier flight for my connection in Salt Lake City. But I only have 15 minutes, and this is SeaTac we're talking about, so I sit down to a Qdoba Egg & Potato breakfast burrito instead...

It's like heaven in a foil wrapper, I tell you what.

8:05am
Argh. Screaming kids wherever I go. As if that weren't bad enough, SeaTac is BLASTING this fucking awful music at full volume. So I reach for my... my... HOLY CRAP I'VE FORGOTTEN MY HEADPHONES!!! It's always something. Since this is a common event with me, I go to a kiosk and buy the almost-cheapest ear buds I can find. They're Skullcandy "Smokin' Buds" (HA! a thinly-veiled marijuana reference! How clever is THAT?)... and... they are so bad. The bass is ridiculously harsh and there is precious little definition or clarity, so everything is a muffled mess. I set iTune's equalizer to try and compensate, but the sound is still pretty terrible...

UPDATE: While these ear buds do totally suck for my MacBook Pro, the sound coming from my iPhone with them is actually pretty decent. Still muddy, but at least it feels a little more balanced.

8:35am
Just as I receive an email telling me that my flight out of Seattle has been delayed, my iPhone rings to tell me the same thing. Naturally this screws up my connection in Salt Lake City since I am now arriving 10 minutes after my flight leaves. I wish I could even pretend to be surprised. I'm just lucky that there was room for me on a later flight. And that my First Class upgrade transferred. When I scan my ticket to get a revised boarding card, a "courtesy coupon" spits out... it's a $10 meal voucher. SCORE!! I wonder if Jägermeister would be considered a "meal?"

9:00am
Dear Seattle-Tacoma International Airport,
I'm not shy by any means, but would it fucking kill you to add some privacy screens between the urinals? The damn things are so frickin' close to each other that I worry I might get confused and pee into a neighboring john by mistake...

Sounds unlikely, I know, but when you have people using their free meal vouchers to start buying Jäger shots at 9:00 in the morning... well, crazier shit has been known to happen.

9:05am
My flight has just been delayed again. I may die of un-shock. On the plus side, Delta Airlines has set out some drinks and snacks for delayed passengers (something I've never seen before). Circumstances aside, this is pretty darn nice of them.

10:10am
Flight delayed for a third time. I didn't think it was possible for me to be even more un-shocked than I was, but here we are.

11:15am
My flight is finally boarding! For everybody except me. When they scan my boarding pass, they get an error. The gate agent reprints my pass a couple times but to no avail. Finally they just rip it in half and tell me they'll figure it out later. I certainly hope so.

12:50pm
Wondering what's happening with my ticket back in Seattle, I buy 15 minutes of inflight internet for $1.95. When I login to Delta, everything looks okay and my new flight shows up, but who knows? With 10 minutes of internet left, I Tweet pictures and stuff...

Wheeee! I'm totally flying here!

2:40pm (Mountain Time now)
Arrive in Salt Lake City. My original connecting flight left nearly an hour ago... my new flight doesn't leave for 2 hours and 20 minutes. I need alcohol badly, but settle for some Sun Chips I took from Delta's snack table while I wait to board my now-delayed (SURPRISE!) flight to Kansas City.

7:30pm (Central Time now)
The turbulence is balls-nasty. Either that or we're crashing. As much as I dislike the idea of going down in a ball of flames, I do like the idea of not having to go to work tomorrow. In case we DO crash, here's my plane's last known location. Please send a search party. And beer...

8:30pm
Arrive safely(!) at Kansas City Airport 3-1/2 hours later than planned. Pick up my car. Drive the 40 minutes to downtown. Check into my hotel. Life is good again at last.

10:00pm
Sit in bed finishing up this entry as gusting winds are howling and a torrential flood of rain is pelting my window. It's like a monsoon out there! Looks like I won't be getting any sleep after all now that Armageddon is going on around me. Such a pity.

10:30pm
I finish. Then I click "publish"...

Yesterday I forgot to say a big "thank you" to everybody who emailed/tweeted/commented to see if I was alright after the storms and tornados which descended on the area my first night here.

Yes, I am perfectly okay. Though a bit sleep-deprived because the howling winds, torrential rains, and lightning flashes made sleep next to impossible. But, thankfully, there was nothing more severe than that. Unlike the poor people in Harveyville, which is a mere hour-and-a-half away from Kansas City...

Half the city was pretty much wiped off the map when a tornado dropped there Tuesday night. And, from the sounds of it, more tornados are on the way.

Today is all about work and flying home, so I'll leave you with a photo I took last night on the way back from dinner...

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Yourself...

So. Very. Tired.

After dealing with ten buckets of crazy on my flight back to Seattle last night, I caught my connecting flight, hopped in my car, and arrived back home a little after midnight. Which doesn't sound late until you realize that's 2:00am in Kansas City. This made for a long day today that no amount of 5-Hour Energy could fix. At least not an amount I could afford.

And now that I'm completely wiped out? NO BLOGOGRAPHY FOR YOU!

Except...

Yesterday I had to rush through my blog entry to make my plane, so I didn't get to explain my participation in the 30 Days Drawing Challenge. Pablo Calle over at You Are The Danger provided a list of 30 things to draw in 30 days which was found by Lee over at Quit Your Day Job, and I'm playing along. Because I like to draw. And here's my second drawing:

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Animal...

After having visited the Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary, I fell in love with Koalas, because they're just that adorable. But I really fell in love with the Tasmanian Devil after having learned how endangered they are. Much of the population in the wild has been plagued with facial tumors that grow until it becomes impossible for them to eat, leaving the poor critters to starve to death. Yes, they can be a bit foul-tempered, but they're tough little guys that have to scavenge out an existence and pose no harm to humans. If you want to learn more about these wonderful creatures, there's a site devoted to saving them.

Blargh.

I know that the current round of stupid politics won't be over until November, but I'd settle for the Republican primary being done and gone. Instead they keep dragging out the inevitable Romney nomination for no good reason. And now it was my turn, since our state straw poll was held today.

Google is showing that the AP has Romney walking away with the win with 91% of precincts reporting here in Washington State...

Mitt Romney	17,275	36.6%
Ron Paul	11,767	24.9%
Rick Santorum	11,496	24.4%
Newt Gingrich	4,995	10.6%
Other	1,636	3.5%

I'm not surprised that Ron Paul did so well, since he seems to be quite popular here... though I am surprised he came in second. Sure he's only a half-percent higher than Rick "Piece of Shit" Santorum, but that's pretty huge when you think about it. I have no idea what is going on with Gingrich. Either delusion has finally taken up residence... or he's gone crazy for Cocoa Puffs.

And speaking of chocolatey goodness...

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Food...

My favorite "real" food is Fettucini Alfredo... but my favorite snack food is chocolate pudding. It has been for as long as I can remember...

And probably will be for the foreseeable future...

Because, really, is there anything more delicious than chocolate pudding? NAY! NAY, I SAY!

Don't touch that dial... Bullet Sunday starts... now!

   
• Visionary. I was sad to learn that genius illustrator Ralph McQuarrie passed away this week. As a mega-huge Star Wars fan, one can't help but admire the conceptual designer who designed Darth Vader, Chewbacca, R2-D2, C-3PO, and loads of locations throughout the film. It was his visuals that helped sell the film in the first place so, in many ways, anybody who loves Star Wars loves McQuarrie...

Still amazing. You will be missed.

   
• John Carter. My favorite science fiction novels of all time are the "Barsoom" books by Edgar Rice Burroughs. Starting with A Princess of Mars, the series is packed with action and adventure that set the benchmark for a lot of sci-fi that was to follow. After decades of waiting, we finally get a movie. It looks promising, even though Disney seems to be dropping the ball with the advertising. The latest trailer is pretty good though...

And if you're REALLY ambitious, there's a 10-minute chunk that's been posted online that shows John Carter before he was transported to Mars...

Oh yes. I want to see this one pretty bad. Arrives March 9th... mark your calendars!

   
• Television. If you're not watching NBC's latest show, Awake, you're missing out. There's nothing I didn't like about the premiere episode starring Jason Isaacs as a man who can't discern between dreams and reality after tragedy strikes...

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! Thursdays at 10/9c... and if you missed the first episode, you can get it from iTunes FREE!

   
• Whore. Apparently all Rush Limbaugh knows how to do is lie and attack people. And why not? It's built him a huge audience and made him a millionaire many times over. But, seriously... what a gaping asshole.

   
• 30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Place...

This was a difficult challenge, because I have dozens upon dozens of favorite places on this earth. But I am always wanting to go back to Maui. Especially now when it's cold outside. The nice thing about The Valley Isle is that I've been there many times, so there's no pressure to see or do anything. I can just park myself on a beach somewhere and kick back. What more could you want for a happy place?

It's the storm before the calm!

Tomorrow afternoon I leave for a couple weeks vacation. I am not even close to being ready. Between non-stop work and a couple of unplanned trips, there hasn't been time to do much of anything. Even so, I managed to get a suitcase packed, eat dinner, get my ducks in a row, and make sure I've got a bunch of comic books loaded on my iPad for the flight. I'm as ready as I'm gonna be. And if I forgot something? That's what a credit card is for.

So there's not much cause to go into a panic, is there?

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Best Friend...

In the context of this blog, Bad Monkey is my best friend.

When it comes to real life, I'm blessed with a multitude of "best friends" that I love more than chocolate pudding. And let's not forget my blog readers, who I love more than Taco Doritos. My life is better because of all of you!*

   
* Well, okay, most of you. But especially you.

Ugh.

Really tough day. I'll have to write about it tomorrow, because now I just want to go to sleep for a couple hours.

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Book Character [Can't Be a Movie]...

I was going to answer "John Carter of Mars" but that's now a movie (opens Friday!). After that would be "Tarzan" but that's been a lot of movies. "Sherlock Holmes?" Movie. "Ian Dunross?" Television Movie. "Zaphod Breeblebrox?" Movie. "Batman?" Movie. "Paul Atreides?" Movie. "Aragorn?" Movie. Well, crap. And then there's books I love which have characters I like that require more thought and energy to draw than I have right now.

Ultimately I had to go with "Dream" from The Sandman... Neil Gaiman's epic comic book series. Though it was a tough choice between him and his sister, "Death," who is about as amazing as a character can get.

Yesterday was the very definition of chaos. Probably because I didn't get any sleep the night before, and was running on fumes all day long.

The day you leave for vacation is always like that, I guess, no matter how much you try to make it otherwise. There's always too much to be done and time is running out to do it. Oh well, it's over now. Even though I was pretty much dead by the time I got to my hotel at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport last night.

The one bright spot was the drive over Blewett and Snoqualmie passes, which nearly killed me in my exhausted state, but what a beautiful way to go...

Always amazes me what you can pull off an iPhone that's been stuck to your windshield after you've cleaned, cropped, and sharpened up the mess of photos that were snapping away during your drive. Makes me wish I had time to pull off the road and take some photos with my real camera!

I'd say "there's always next time" but how can I be sure?

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Word...

Not so much that I would care to live for an eternity... but because I like the idea of something that is infinite and never-ending. Something that is bigger than the sum of everything. It's a terrific word that encompasses so much with so little.

Greetings from onboard the mighty Island Princess.

Embarkation was a breeze... a pleasure even... which is not something I can say about most cruises I have taken. Not only did everything go quickly with a minimum time spent waiting in line, but the stateroom was ready before I even stepped foot on the ship.

After a nice buffet lunch, a safety drill, and smooth sailing out of Port Everglades, we were at sea, sailing away from grey skies towards a sunnier climate...

Dinner, as usual for a cruise ship, was excellent. They have a decent Fettucini Alfredo as a standard menu item, which is pretty sweet. And then, before I even realized it, the sun went down and the night was here...

Tomorrow is a "day at sea" which is not my favorite thing, but I'm sure I'll manage doing nothing just fine.

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Animated Character...

This was a complete no-brainer. There are a lot of animated characters I like (Batman, Sully Monster, Stitch, etc.)... but my hands-down favorite is GIR from Invader Zim. His crazy antics crack me up every time, and they managed to give him a personality that is something really special. Oh how I wish that they would make more Zim cartoons. I've seen the existing ones so many times I'm starting to memorize them.

Sea day. Sea day. Just a boring sea day.

As I'm not much a fan of laying around and eating until you puke, sea days aren't my favorite thing on a cruise. Though the weather was pretty amazing (if a little windy)...

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Television Show...

Easily my favorite show to have ever existed was Jeremy Piven's Cupid. I'd tell you to go buy it on DVD so you could see just how amazing and magical that television can be but, alas, it's not available. I keep hoping though.

I'M TRAPPED! TRAPPED LIKE A RAT ON A BIG BOAT!!

Sea days on a cruise are tough. Two of them in a row is really tough.

The highlight of my day was watching some chefs cut fruits and vegetables into a variety of interesting shapes, then assembling these shapes into various birds, fish, and animals...

Yep, that was my day.

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Candy...

I love U-NO bars. The texture is sublime. They're sweet... but have little salty almond bits. I could eat them morning, noon, and night, but only seem to find them around Halloween where I live.

Probably a good thing.

But a little boring to draw.

It was a roasting 90° F in Columbia today. I thought I'd melt under the flawless blue skies of beautiful Cartegena, but instead I just got a little red.

Some random shots of the day, because I'm too tired for much else...

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Most Recent Accomplishment...

Getting six full hours of sleep last night was a major accomplishment.

Even if it was artificially-induced.

At long last the excursion I've been waiting for finally arrived: SLOTHS!

I've been a huge fan of these little mammals for a long time. And watching sloth television shows on Animal Planet and sloth videos on YouTube has only made me like them more. As if all that weren't enough, baby sloths are about the cutest things you'll ever see.

The Sloth Sanctuary is located about a half-hour's drive out of the ship's port of call in Limon. They take in baby sloths who have been abandoned and adult sloths who have been injured. They also have a nature walk and canoe float to see even more wildlife species of the rainforest.

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Favorite Fairytale...

Most fairytales in their original, non-Disneyfied versions are totally messed up. Far from being perky stories to brighten your day, these children's tales by the likes of The Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen are filled with death and depression. For a classic example, get your hands on the original The Little Mermaid sometime and see how twisted a story for kids can get. The Little Match Girl is no less fucked up than other fairytales, but it's got a base element that rings true, and so it's kind of stuck with me over the years...

A little girl is out in the cold trying to sell matches on New Years Eve. She's close to freezing, but she can't go home because her father will beat her if she doesn't sell the matches. With nowhere to go because she hasn't sold anything, she seeks refuge in a nook and lights a match to keep herself warm. A shooting star appears and she remembers how her kindly grandmother told her before she died that this was a person going to heaven. With the next match she lights, the girl has a vision of her grandmother... the only person to ever love her... in the flame. She continues to light the matches one-by-one so she can keep the vision of her grandmother alive. But, sadly, eventually she runs out of matches and freezes to death. Her grandmother then shows up as a spirit and takes the little match girl to heaven.

So, basically, life sucks and then you die. Such a great lesson for kids.

Another sea day.

Which is kind of a relief, as it gives me a chance to recover from the hideous burns on my face after cruising through the Panama Canal. As in... HOLY CRAP! MY FACE HAS BEEN BURNT OFF! Thanks a lot, stupid sun-screen lotion that didn't work! Actually, the burns aren't quite so bad now. Only my forehead blistered, so it's pretty raw... the rest of my face has settled down to a rosy glow. In another couple of days I should be back to quasi-normal-looking, but with a slight tan.

Anyway...

With nothing better to do, I started placing the artwork for the latest issue of THRICE FICTION. I know I say this every time, but this is probably our best issue yet! RW has found some mind-bogglingly good stories for numero quatro, and I can't wait for everybody to get their hands on it. Which will probably be the end of next week, once I've had a chance to code the eBook editions.

And so now I take my leave of you with this gorgeous sunset that's happening out my balcony...

Thank you "VIVID SUNSET MODE" on my pocket Canon camera!"

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw a Family Portrait...

Hello from the land of rum and pirates.

As a Hard Rock fan, Grand Cayman has been on my list of places to visit for a long time. I almost visited years ago, but a hurricane in the area changed my travel plans.

But here I am at last.

I wasn't going to do the whole "excursion thing" so I could just bum around George Town and hit the beach, but my face is still burnt to a cinder, so I thought "What the hell?"

Which is ironic, because the first stop was... literally... Hell. Hell, Grand Cayman...

I wouldn't have expected it, but there are chickens in hell. Chickens who like eating coconuts...

And here's a shot of Seven Mile Beach taken from the bus window. Sigh. If not for faulty sun-screen and a massive burn on my face...

Then it was time for a turtle farm. The idea is to preserve and protect the species, but the poor turtles looked incredibly bored swimming around in circles within their small, crowded tanks. I felt pretty sorry for them, as it didn't look like much of a life...

There were also other critters wandering around the place...

After the tour dumped everybody off in George Town, there was only one place I really wanted to go...

The cafe is a small, old-school property that's located at the end of the main shopping district downtown. It would probably do a lot better business if it were more centrally located near the cruise ship dock, but there you have it.

I would have eaten lunch at the Hard Rock, but I don't really care for their veggie burgers and fries. Since that's what I was craving, I decided to wander down to Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville.

What a huge fucking mistake that turned out to be.

First of all, they didn't have Boca Burgers like every other Margaritaville I had ever been to. Oh well, I decided to have nachos and a Coke instead. Not a big deal.

EXCEPT THEY WERE THE WORST NACHOS I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY LIFE! And I am including the time I had Australian nachos where the crazy bastards mix the salsa into the chips for a soggy mess. Because, hey, at least their nachos use actual cheese and are... you know... WARM! Jimmy Buffet Margaritaville nachos are inedible shit. And COLD! They take roasted chips... pour in some FUCKING DISGUSTING COLD IMITATION CHEEZ-WHIZ-LIKE CONGEALED SUBSTANCE... put a small puddle of melted real cheese on top... then add some shriveled olives, jalapeños, and crap. What you end up with is a bunch of soggy tortilla chips coated in this grotesque oily mess. And did I mention that they were COLD? They weren't "not hot" or "merely warm"... but FUCKING COLD!

Yes. COLD! I couldn't even bring myself to eat them they were so bad...

If that wasn't bad enough, the Coke was watered down and flat. I only drank it because it was something cool. I would have complained to my waiter... but I rarely saw him. The poor guy was given way too many tables that were too far apart. I did tell him when I hunted him down to pay, but his response was to give me a "souvenir glass" I apparently paid for but never wanted, and tell me he would tell his manager.

I'd chalk this up to a bad experience, but the table next to me didn't get hot food either, and the buns on one of their burgers was stale. So... lesson learned... when you're hungry in George Town, Grand Cayman... avoid Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville like the fucking plague. Which is such a shame, because all the other Margaritavilles I've eaten at have had excellent food and service.

Jimmy should be ashamed to have his name on this place.

And, thanks to my pricey souvenir glass I never wanted, I have something to remember one of the worst meals I've ever had for the rest of my life! Or until I throw the shit in the garbage.

Anyway...

Couldn't have asked for a nicer day. Lovely sunshine and a nice breeze to keep things pleasant. And then there's that amazing Caribbean Blue water here that looks like some kind of Photoshop hack, but really isn't...

Sweet! As I was writing this, I heard somebody telling bad jokes over a loudspeaker ("WHY DIDN'T THE SKELETON CROSS THE ROAD? HE DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS!"). I thought it was coming from the ship, but it was instead a small touristy pirate ship thing floating by my balcony...

Yo! Ho! A pirates life for me!

And, just like that, my last excursion was over. We set sail for Florida in a couple hours.

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Your Inspiration...

This should come as no shock to anybody who has read Blogography for any amount of time. Steve Jobs takes inspiration to an entirely new level. But he did that with most things. I know it probably rings hollow for somebody to gush over a person they've never met... but I miss Steve Jobs terribly and think of him often. What I wouldn't give for just one more keynote speech... just one more thing.

The forecast was for overcast skies and eventual rain. Key West got blue skies and sunshine. I celebrated my good fortune by getting another sunburn and eating key lime pie.

I also did a number of touristy things because I felt kind of touristy. The last time I was here I didn't feel like doing anything, so I guess it all balances out in the end.

First stop? The Key West Butterfly & Nature Conservatory. I had such a good time when I visited the one in Australia that I couldn't pass it up. This one was smaller, but just as nice. And it had birds in it. Overall a very, very cool experience...

Then I was of to the Key West Lighthouse and Lighthouse Keeper Quarters Museum where I confronted my fear of heights to climb the 88 steps to the top...

Then I decided to give Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville a chance to redeem themselves after the awful, awful experience I had in Grand Caymans. It was just as delicious and great an experience as I've had at other Margaritavilles I've been to, so I was happy again...

Then a stop at the Oldest House in Key West...

Then a visit to President Truman's Little White House...

Then a world-famous Conch Train Tour...

Then a stop at The Ernest Hemmingway House and Museum. I had been here before, but love all the cats (some of which are six-toed!), so I had to stop again...

But most all the houses in Key West are special in some way... even if they never belonged to somebody famous...

Then off to the Key West Aquarium...

And the Highway 1 Mile 0 marker...

Then it was time for a refreshing Stewart's Key Lime soda!

And the historic Southernmost House Inn... supposedly the second-most photographed house in the USA after the White House...

And then I wandered around Southernmost Point... went back to see a few more butterflies... then dropped by my hotel to put my feet up and blog a bit. Not bad for seven hours in Key West!

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Something Orange...

The official fruit of Florida... ORANGES!!

My flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Detroit was blissfully uneventful.

My flight from Detroit to Seattle was easily in my Top Five Worst Flights of All Time list. There was two-and-a-half hours of nausea-inducing turbulence that had people puking their guts out from North Dakota to Idaho. I don't get motion-sickness, but my stomach was telling me that it wish I did. And now that I'm finally in Seattle, I just want to climb into my beautiful plush-top hotel bed and sleep.

Except I have to do my drawing for the day.

Not that it matters though... I won't be posting this until I get home because I'm not paying $17 for internet.

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Something New...

Before I went on vacation, I bought a new pair of Nikes. And filled them with new Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel Insoles. So I was totally gellin' on my vacation.

And isn't that what vacation is all about?

I had meant to drive over the mountains early this morning so I could get back to work first thing.

But it snowed last night and the passes were a mess every time I rolled over and checked WSDOT on my iPhone. Then around 8:00 things started improving. The overcast skies were breaking up and the snowplows were out. At 8:30 it was time to go.

By the time I got to the top, it was kind of a glorious day. That fresh snowfall sure looked pretty...

And now? Time to get back to life.

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Something You Want...

STILL WANT MY FLYING CAR! WHERE'S MY FUCKING FLYING CAR?!? I wouldn't have to worry about snowy, messed-up roads if I had a flying car.

Juuuuuuust enough time to pack my suitcase. Again.

And draw a new 30 Day Challenge entry. Again.

Then I'm off to The Coast. Again.

It's a vacation from my vacation... just like I always dreamed about!

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Something You Miss...

I miss lots of people that aren't in my life anymore. I miss a few television shows that are off the air. There's even some foods I miss that aren't around anymore. But this morning when I went out to my car so I could go to work... and found snow and ice covering it... I missed Maui most of all.

The drive over Stevens Pass was blissfully without incident. No snow on the roads. No accidents. No crazy-ass people. Just a few drivers who couldn't seem to go the speed limit to damage my calm... but road rage was kept to a minimum, which is always nice.

Just before I left, the final pieces for the latest issue of THRICE Fiction fell into place, so I managed to get it uploaded for your reading pleasure. As always, it's totally FREE to download at the THRICE Fiction website!...

This issue is packed with great stuff, so be sure to check it out (did I mention that it's FREE?).

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Something You Need...

What I need... NEED... is to get drunk off my ass on Jägermeister for my birthday tomorrow. Fortunately, that will be happening a day early in 3... 2... 1...

It's my birthday!
It's my birthday!
It's my birthday!

I don't really celebrate my birthday, but here it is. My non-celebration is taking place at the Tulalip Resort Casino. It's a very nice casino run by the Tulalip Indian Reservation that's 45 minutes north of Seattle. And, unlike tribal casinos I've visited in some states, it's a real casino with real casino games and (more importantly) real slot machines... not just a bunch of slot-looking-machines that are just a fancy facade for a BINGO game (or however they circumnavigate gaming restrictions).

Anyway... at one point I was up $220... but eventually walked out just $40 ahead. That's not as great as winning a couple thousand dollars on my birthday, but it beats ending up with a loss.

As usual, I drank too much, but what's a non-celebration without too much alcohol?

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw a Couple...

Don't ask my why. It's my birthday and I've had too much to drink.

Yesterday on the way home from The Coast, I stopped at the grocery store because my cupboards were bare. On the way in, I noticed a table stacked with Girl Scout cookies being attended by sweet, smiling Girl Scouts. "Hello!" they said cheerfully as I walked by. After shopping, I went to pay for my groceries and realized I forgot my wallet in the car. "Hello!" said the Girl Scouts once again as I rushed out to my car. I grabbed my wallet and dashed back into the store. "Hello!" said the Girl Scouts as I ran past.

After finally paying for my groceries, I was pushing my cart out to the parking lot when the smiling Girl Scouts once again gave me a cheery "Hello!" as I rolled past. "OKAY! I'LL BUY A BOX OF COOKIES!" I bellowed.

It was then that I noticed the Girl Scouts were wearing jeans and T-shirts. "Hey! Where are your Girl Scout uniforms?" I asked. I was then shown that the girls were wearing an official "Girl Scouts Pin" and told that uniforms are now optional. "Optional?!? Then how can I tell you're real Girl Scouts? Maybe you mugged some Girl Scouts and stole those cookies! This got me some nervous laughter, but apparently they didn't care about my being a smart-ass so long as I was buying their cookies. That's just good business sense, I suppose...

It's probably only a matter of time before other uniforms go the way of the dodo bird. But so long as that police officer is wearing his official "Police Force Pin," he still has a license to shoot people and drive really fast with his lights flashing... even if they're wearing a pair of Hawaiian board shorts and a lime green tank top.

Oh well. I guess we'll still get to see uniforms on Halloween...

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Something You Don't Like...

And I'm liking Rick "Piece of Shit" Santorum less and less every day. That being said, he would be hysterical opponent for President Obama in a debate. The entertainment value would be so amazing that I'm almost tempted to donate to his campaign.

So... I'm guessing we're a step closer to Rick "Piece of Shit" Santorum getting caught in a gay sex scandal. I mean, if you can't even be photographed next to a guy holding a pink bowling ball, you've gotta be dangerously close to having some kind of repressed gay meltdown (which is probably the most fabulous, glitter-induced meltdown you can have). The only questions remaining are A) Where will Santorum get caught putting his pink balls, and B) Will it happen before or after the Republican presidential nominee has been decided?

For maximum comedic effect, I'm hoping it's A) In Rush Limbaugh's mouth, and B) After he wins the presidential election.

Because I'm pretty sure that's what would make Jesus laugh.

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw Anything You'd Like...

This drawing actually goes seven levels deep... even though you can only really see four of them. At one point I was going to try and animate this in a zooming endless loop, but decided my sanity couldn't handle it.

After my dentist check-up this morning, I went to meet friends for lunch. When we arrived at the restaurant, I noticed my iPhone was missing. I knew that I had it when I left the dentist, but had no idea how I could have lost it. Using the "Find my iPhone" app on my friend's iPhone, I saw that my iPhone was back at our initial meet-up point. I don't know how, but I dropped/left it there.

I was relieved, but also... a little freaked.

How would I explain losing my iPhone if I actually lost it?

OFFICER: What do you mean you lost your iPhone?
DAVE2: I dunno! I had it, then suddenly it was gone!
OFFICER: Gone? You don't lose something so precious as an iPhone.
DAVE2: I did! I swear it!
OFFICER: What are you hiding? Did you kill your iPhone?
DAVE2: No! I would never! I love my iPhone!
OFFICER: Why don't I believe you, Mr. Simmer?
DAVE2: =sob!= A DINGO ATE MY iPHONE!!

Wikipedia dingo photo by Benjamint444

And speaking of iPhone, there's some kind of bullshit going on concerning a new SIM card standard that Apple is wanting. From what I can tell, it's a much, much smaller card than usual, which will give Apple more room to add cool stuff to their phones or make them smaller.

But competing phone companies like Motorola, Nokia, and RIM are crying foul. They want THEIR new idea for a SIM card to be the standard, and are saying Apple's idea isn't as good. So they're all appealing to some kind of ruling body for SIM cards to try and get Apple's card blocked.

I can tell you right now... if I were on that ruling body, I would totally have one thing to say to Motorola, Nokia, and RIM... SHUT THE FUCK UP! IF IT WEREN'T FOR APPLE, WE'D STILL BE USING YOUR OLD SHITTY MOBILE PHONES, INSTEAD OF THE APPLE-INSPIRED PHONES YOU'RE MAKING NOW...

Mobile phones BEFORE and AFTER the iPhone... Image taken from Digeratii

In all honesty, any "ruling bodies" should give Apple whatever the hell they want. Apple is the company that's driving the mobile phone market now, and everybody else can just get out of the way. Then Motorola, Nokia, and RIM can go back to copying what Apple does next instead of fucking up where Apple is wanting to take us.

Ooh! I'm more of an Apple Whore than usual today!

I guess that's what the trauma of almost losing your iPhone can do to you.

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw a Place You'd Like to Go...

THE MOON, BABY! But I'd settle for Antarctica. Or India. Or even Cambodia.

I was pretty indifferent when I heard that they were making a movie from The Hunger Games books. Sure I liked the novel quite a lot, but I was in no hurry to see it in the theater. Maybe because I thought the second book wasn't as good... and the third book was disappointing... and I felt done with The Hunger Games.

But here it is, and I felt compelled to see it. I'll be vague and fairly spoiler-free, but if you really want to avoid any discussion of the film until you've seen it (or read the books), I'd skip down to my final "30 Days Drawing Challenge."

In summary... an enjoyable enough film, but a big step down from the book upon which it's based...

In the future the US has collapsed, sea level has risen, the world has been reshaped, and civilization has been replaced with "Panem" a new nation divided into twelve districts. As punishment for having risen up against the government, each district holds an annual lottery where a boy and a girl are offered up as "tributes" in a battle to the death where only one shall survive.

Which sounds kind of familiar if you've read/seen Battle Royale, but whatever. The long and short of it is that the plot of both works is pretty fucked up, seeing as how young kids are going around killing each other.

Anyway... the tribute from District 12 is Katniss Everdeen, who volunteers to take the place of her young sister who "won" the Hunger Games lottery. She is offered up along with a guy who's a vague acquaintance from her past, and the game for survival is on. Death and destruction ensue.

The thing that made the book such a good read is that it regularly punches you in the gut as you made your way through the story. It's edgy, personal, disturbing, relentless, and violent. It has mad pacing and a plot that drives ahead like a sledgehammer. By comparison, the movie falls flat. Most of the events are there, but they've been smoothed out until they lack any sort of edge. The sense of danger never feels very high. The second half of the film where the action should be coming to a head was actually kind of boring. And, worst of all, it never felt very personal.

As expected with a film adaptation, stuff was changed and left out... some of it inexplicably so. But what really pissed me off was how they altered the ending. The filmmakers were clearly more interested in setting up a sequel rather than following the disheartening end-beat of the source novel. This sucks ass, because it completely sabotages the story and robs a major character of their emotional journey. It was a cheap trick and a lame way of trying to make a more "likable" finish.

As for the casting, I didn't think it was as bad as many Hunger Games fans felt it was. I thought Katniss and Peeta were well represented. I thought Woody Harrelson and Lenny Kravitz were great casting choices. Stanley Tucci gave a great performance for a character that didn't really have a great performance in it. Elizabeth Banks frickin' WAS Effie Trinket, even though the character had a chunk missing from her back-story. Cinematography didn't seem as epic as I would have thought, but the film didn't really suffer from it. Direction and editing were capable, if nothing exceptional... probably stemming from the watered-down PG-13 script.

Ultimately, I recommend the book, and half-heartedly recommend the film if you've read the book. I don't recommend the movie if you haven't read the book, as it's missing too much to really hold up on its own (so read the book first!).

And... it's all downhill from here. The second book has some interesting stuff to draw from, but I don't think the third (and final) novel will adapt well at all. But, given the amount of money this flick has been making, that's not going to stop anybody from trying.

30 DAYS DRAWING CHALLENGE: Draw a Congrats Banner for Finishing...

Well that wasn't quite the big bucket of fun that I thought it would be... I guess I probably shouldn't start stuff like this when I have a vacation in the middle. Oh well. It gave me something to blog about a few times when I didn't have anything to blog about, so there you have it.

Was still feeling sick all day long. This does not bode well for my upcoming travel.

The good news is that I felt well enough to buzz-cut my head again. This time I went even shorter so my haircut will last longer. Because not having to waste time messing with my hair each morning is great. Traveling with short hair is awesome. It's so frickin' convenient that I wish I would have started doing this years ago. Who knew the military had such a good thing going on with their hair style of choice?

Tomorrow is Easter. Hopefully I will follow in the example of Jesus and rise from my almost-dead existence. I've got some work that really needs to get done, so being sick is not an option.

And while I'd really like to fight through the nausea to draw something nice for the holiday, I love what I drew last year so much that I'm not even going to try to top it...

Cute.

It's just a shame that the poor eggs have to be boiled alive in order to get dressed up for Easter Sunday.

And so it was that we came unto the Hard Rock Cafe Amsterdam for the merriment of Bitchsterdam 3 and a grand time was had by all. The DutchBitch was there, of course, along with Breigh and her husband Xander. And I finally got to meet Invader Stu as well...

Unfortunately, the battery on my pocket camera was dead, so I only have these few photos from my iPhone. If any of us had thought to take a group photo, it would have looked something like this...

I can't wait until Bitchsterdam 4!

I spent my morning unsuccessfully catching up on work. I was off to a good start, but then shooting pains started ripping through my left leg. At first I thought it might be a heart attack, but then I remembered that is shooting pains in your arm. Googling a self-diagnosis brings up all kinds of doom and gloom, which I've decided to ignore. Except the pain is still there and that has resulted in massive cramping. I'm guessing this is all because a pinched nerve from 10 hours on an airplane, but who knows? I suppose it's time to get a check-up with somebody other than Dr. Google.

In the meanwhile, I'm doped up on painkillers and Quinine, which makes working kinda difficult.

So I'm blogging instead.

Except I'm drowsy and can't seem to keep a thought in my head, so I'll just draw a DaveToon and be done with it...

There we go.

My dedication to my blog astounds even me sometimes.

Where the Wild Things Are.

Who read that wonderful book and didn't want to be Max, King of All Wild Things? I'm guessing nobody.

Which is why I was very saddened to learn that creator Maurice Sendak had died today...

“Oh, please don't go—we'll eat you up—we love you so!”

Remarkably, Mr. Sendak was more than just an enourmously talented author and illustrator... the guy was funny as hell. And, lucky for us, his last interview was with Stephen Colbert. If you haven't seen it, this is something well worth your time...

And part two...

Rest in peace, Mr. Sendak. Your works will be inspiring kids of all ages for generations to come.

Ever feel like you've been singled out for a special destiny?

Like you've been marked for a fate that you just can't escape?

And not in a good way?

   
Yeah. Me too. I knew I should have never subscribed to InStyle Magazine. But 12 issues was just a dollar, yo, so what choice did I have?

Ooh! You can WIN FREE STUFF in this entry! Read on, fair reader...

Since starting this blog, I've refused at least a hundred offers to review crap, promote crap, or sell crap. So when a guy from Moo Printing emailed me with an offer of free business cards,. I was going to say no. But then he also offered to let me GIVE AWAY free business cards if I'd review my Moo experience. So I said "okay!" because I love my readers more than I love not lying.

And because I had a good experience with Moo in the past for my clothing tags, I figured there was a good chance I wouldn't have to say anything nasty in my review. That would be really awkward.

So I'll skip to the good part first. I LOVE MY NEW BLOGGER CARDS!

Moo makes it ridiculously easy to create great-looking cards, stickers, postcards, and other cool stuff.

Once you've selected what you want to print, all you have to do is decide what you want for a design. I created new DaveToons to upload, but you can easily import images or graphics from Flickr, Picassa, SmugMug, Facebook, and even Etsy...

And here's the thing that makes Moo so frickin' awesome... you can have a separate design for the front of EACH individual piece! Ordering 100 business cards? All 100 can have a different photo on them! If you use less images than the number of pieces you're ordering, Moo will attempt to evenly divide the cards between the designs.

What's cool about this is that I was able to make cards for both my blogs in the same box to save money over ordering two different cards separately. I made Bad Monkey cards in four different colors for Blogography, then made Lil' Dave card for DaveCafe (which I uploaded twice so I would have extra...

Then you turn the card over to design the back. You can select colors, type what you want, then have Moo do the rest... or you can design something from scratch like I did...

And that's all there is to it, really. The whole process is dead-simple, and Moo lets you see what your finished cards are going to look like before you place your order. Once you're happy with things, all you have to do is checkout and wait.

When my cards finally arrived, I prepared myself for disappointment. Because the colors never seem to turn out like what you wanted... especially with the crazy, unprintable bright colors I used. But, surprise surprise, the printing was pretty darn good. The shading on Lil' Dave's face usually comes out all banded when printed, but the Moo printing had gradients that were smooth as butter. My "impossible to print" colors turned out much brighter than I was expecting (though not quite as bright as this photo from my iPhone shows)...

What really great is the paper stock Moo uses. The "Classic" paper I selected is a really nice 16pt thick stock with a satin finish that's soft to the touch. They also have a "Green" (as in eco-friendly, not color) stock that runs a bit higher. They "feel" good in the hand, and are sure to make an impression when you hand them out.

As shown in the first photo, Moo packs your cards in a classy but sturdy black box. It has tabbed dividers for "MINE" and "THEIRS" so you can even use it as a case if you want.

About the only complaint I had was that the cards were not centered in the cutting die very well when they were punched out. They're a couple millimeters offset. This doesn't seem like a big deal but, on something as small as a business card, you definitely notice it. I would think that Moo would be a little more careful given their high-quality standards, but there you have it...

Does it "ruin" the card? Not really. I stayed within the "safety margin" I was given, so nothing got cut off. Most people probably won't even notice. But to an anal-retentive designer like myself, it's kind of a bummer. And yet... they're still the best business cards I've ever had.

And now for the good part...

Moo has generously offered to let me give away a box of 100 "Classic" business cards (a $39.98 value) plus free domestic shipping (a $7.75 value). If you want extras like "Green" paper... or the nifty rounded corners I have on my cards... or rush shipping... or international delivery... or whatever... you'll have to pay the difference yourself.

To enter in the drawing, just leave a comment telling me your favorite sandwich. I'll draw a name at random from all the commenters in one week on May 23rd (so get your comment posted by May 22nd!). Be sure to leave a valid email address so I can contact you if you win (it won't be shown). GOOD LUCK! And thanks to Moo for not only my beautiful business cards, but for thinking of my readers too!

Wanna Moo too? Here's a direct link to their business cards page!

I've been craving Oreo cookies all day long.

Which is tough when you don't have any Oreos in the house. I had hoped the craving would go away, but it never did. So at 9:00pm I drove to the grocery store for a bag of cookies. When I got there the place was pretty much empty. This made shopping so nice that I ended up spending $50 on food I didn't even need*. Good thing I have room in my freezer.

Anyway...

I ended up eating a half-bag of Oreos, so this is me now...

At least my cookie craving is gone.

   
*A pity I didn't bring my shopping list so I could have bought the food I actually do need.

Some people...

Sometimes I regret that I'm a "daily blogger."

The reason I write daily is because I know my blog would die a long, slow death if I started skipping days. First I'd skip once or twice a month... then skip once or twice a week... and then, before I even realize it, I'm struggling to write two entries a month. At which point Blogography is dead. I've seen it happen with other blogs many times before. And so I continue to post something every single day, even if I don't have anything to write about or I'm going through something that can't be blogged.

Like today.

I got nuthin'...

Fortunately, I can totally blog about nuthin'. You're welcome!

Word.

As far back as I can remember, I've had a bit of an obsession with pirates. This led to an infatuation with their "skull and crossbones" symbol, which I've been drawing on my stuff for decades. Ultimately, it kind of became my personal symbol, and was even part of my signature at one point.

So, on a trip to Maui 26 years ago when the idea of getting tattoos was floated, I knew exactly what I wanted... the skull and bones.

It never happened, but the idea of getting a tattoo was planted.

But there were always excuses. "What if I change my mind in five years and regret getting skull and crossbones?" or "What if a total stranger gives me a crappy tattoo?" So I never got one.

And then I slowly came to realize that I hadn't changed my mind in 26 years as to wanting a skull and crossbones for my ink, so I probably wasn't going to change my mind five years from now.

And then I started seeing the amazing stuff that my Facebook Friend Michael DeMatty was posting to his wall, and all my excuses vanished. So today was the day...

Now, I'm not nearly macho enough to pull off a badass "realistic" skull and crossbones... but a DaveToon skull and crossbones? Definitely more my style...

Done!

I couldn't be happier with it...

And so at long last... after 26 years of dreaming about it... I finally have my first tattoo. Thanks to Michael at Black & Blue San Francisco for working so hard to make it happen!

ZOMG! WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHAT WAS I THINKING? I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE SUCH A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!

How could I have forgotten to pack my lucky boxer shorts?

This will be a tragedy that haunts me for the rest of my life. If my plane goes down on the flight home Monday, at least now you'll know why.

And now for some questions/comments that have popped up since getting a tattoo yesterday...

   
• Why not Bad Monkey? Six year ago when I was joking about getting a tattoo, I thought it would be funny...

But the only serious option I ever considered was the skull and crossbones. Bad Monkey would make for a cool tattoo, and maybe one day that will happen. But first it's got to be what I've been wanting for 26 years. In any event, I think Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey would approve...

   
• Where'd you get that design? I drew it. Which is kind of odd, because I was pretty dead-set against designing my own tattoo for the longest time. But Michael encouraged me to send in my ideas, and eventually he kind of led me to where I needed to be. Ultimately, it kind of makes sense, so I'm glad things ended up that way. But it was not an easy process. I drew dozens of different versions before I had answers to the questions that were keeping me up at night... Bones behind or bones under? Eyepatch or no eyepatch? Cheek bones or no cheek bones?

No eyepatch. Yes to cheekbones. Bones under so it would fit better on my skinny arm. In the end it couldn't have been any other way.

   
•It's bigger than I thought! I get that a lot, thanks. OH... YOU MEAN THE TATTOO! Yeah, at first I had pictured something around 2-inches tall. But Michael said that I should take a look at something bigger, so I made cutouts at my hotel that morning and played around with how the sizing would look. I quickly found out that he was absolutely right... the bigger I made it, the better I liked it. This was the opposite of how I thought it would work on my bony arm, but it felt right. Eventually I printed out four different sizes of big and let Michael pick which he felt was the best fit. It turned out so badass awesome that now I can't imagine I ever considered it having it inked so tiny.

   
• Did it hurt? No. Not even a little bit. I was the first person to think that I'd be sobbing uncontrollably and screaming like a little girl, but it never happened (at least not during the tattooing). The outlining felt like somebody was dragging a needle across my skin, scratching it. The filling-in felt like somebody was dragging a popsicle stick across my skin. It didn't hurt at all. I was told that eventually it would feel like I had a bad sunburn, but that never happened. Then I was told it would sting in the shower when water hit it, but that never happened either. If it weren't for being able to look down and see it, I wouldn't know that I had it done. I chalk it up to my mutant healing factor, because this is apparently not typical.

   
• Weren't you nervous? No. And I wasn't excited either. The whole time it felt like this was something that had already happened and I was just reliving the moment. I can't explain it any better than that, but it was a bit surreal how unaffected I was over getting something permanently marked on my body. I guess I knew it was meant to be all along.

   
• How long did it take? One hour, forty-five minutes after we decided where it should be placed and got the stencil applied.

   
• Will you get another tattoo? It's strange... after wanting this so badly for 26 years, I thought that finally getting my skull & bones would get it out of my system and I wouldn't think about tattoos anymore. But now that I have it, all I can do it think about how I would like to add something to it and expand the design down my arm just a bit... or try something different somewhere else. Maybe the feeling will pass but, as of right now, I can't imagine not getting another piece of ink.

   
Annnnnd... it's time to get out and enjoy the incredible weather going on here in the Bay Area...

It's Flag Day today!

I may be having serious issues with the polarizing state of this self-destructing country, but I still think our flag is a pretty one.

According to Wikipedia, Flag Day in the United States of America commemorates the adoption of our flag on 14 June 1777. Want to know even more? Wikipedia also has a really cool entry with all kinds of information on the American flag.

One week later and still lovin' it.

My morning routine is five minutes longer now...

Waaaaahhh!

This blog entry is brought to you by... DIBS!

What makes ice cream taste better than ever before?

DIBS!

What makes ice cream unhealthier than ever before?

DIBS!

What is so addictive that crack addicts use it to wean themselves off the pipe?

DIBS!

What consumes your life so completely that it's known as "Satan's Candy?"

DIBS!

What snack is so overwhelming that even Charlie Sheen won't touch it?

DIBS!

What did I have with every meal today?

DIBS!

Yes, that's right... it's DIBS! Delicious bites of ice cream that's been covered in chocolate and rice crispies, then frozen in tubs for your eating pleasure!

DIBS!

This afternoon I barely managed to escape death when I jumped out of the way of a car that tried to run me down in the parking lot.

Well, maybe not "death"... but certainly "injury." And probably not really "tried" but more like "accidentally"... but the big picture is this: The car that nearly hit me had a big ol' bumper sticker on the back which said "SEE BICYCLES."

Which has me wondering if I should slap a big ol' bumper sticker that says "SEE PEDESTRIANS" across my ass...

And now for something interesting... that bright yellow "SEE BICYCLES" bumper sticker that's popping up everywhere was actually created by a guy in the city just down the road from me. Apparently he is a cyclist who was injured by a pickup truck back in 2004, and is now trying to raise awareness and make the roads safer for cyclists.

There's something to be said about a guy who takes personal tragedy and uses the experience to try and make life better for others.

If only there was a way I could turn the tragedy of this crappy frozen burrito into making life better for others.

Happy Birthday, USA!

Despite my complete and total disgust over the heinous political divide that will probably be your downfall, I still love you.

Oh... and good luck with that whole election thing come November. You're going to need it.

What a horrible day.

Never have so many disappointed so thoroughly in so little time.

Guess I'm going to tune into the Olympic Games opening ceremonies and be done with it.

To all Olympiads from all nations all over the world, best of luck in your competitions!

And to London, one of my favorite cities on earth, thank you for hosting what is most certainly going to be a wonderful event (DANNY BOYLE?!?). It could not have been easy to find the finances during such trying economic times, but Britain Will Prevail... and God Save The Queen!

With apologies to Nathan Adrian and everybody else in these United States, I was not rooting for us to take the gold in the 100-meter Olympic freestyle competition. Not that I am unhappy he won... far from it... many happy congratulations to Adrian and Team USA. It's just that I had a different favorite for winning the race.

Two months before I landed in Sydney last September, James "The Missile" Magnussen had become the 100m Freestyle World Champion at the FINA competition in Shanghai. This made him a very popular fixture in the world of Australian sports, and a lot of predictions for Olympic gold were already being talked up...

James Magnussen World Champion 2011, Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images AsiaPac

One evening while re-packing my suitcase (in Cairns, I think?) with the television on, I caught some kind of documentary/interview with the guy, and he was everything you'd want a world champion to be... kind and generous with his words, brilliant in his skills, and extremely confident in his abilities.

But the thing that struck me most is how it was repeatedly stressed that he was the best hope for the Aussies bringing home 100m Freestyle gold, which hadn't happened since Michael Wenden won it 1968. Not even the "invincible" Ian "The Thorpedo" Thorpe could manage it in 2004.

That's when I stopped packing for a minute, and tried to fathom how a 20-year-old guy could sit there with the hopes of an entire country heaped on his shoulders and not crumble on the spot.

How does one even deal with that being in their head?

And so I wanted James Magnussen to win gold, just so the lofty expectations set for him... and by him... would be fulfilled and maybe he could have a short time without all the pressure he usually has to endure.

Unfortunately Team Australia didn't medal in the Freestyle Relay earlier and, even more unfortunately, Magnussen didn't get a gold medal in the 100m Freestyle tonight. He lost to American Nathan Adrian by one-one-hundredths of a second...

So now I was even more worried for the poor guy. He missed his dream by - literally - less time than it takes to blink an eye. Though shattered, he was taking it as well as one could expect... "It hurts. I did my best tonight and and it was not quite good enough. To lose by that amount stings but I've had a lot of great support the last few days from people from back in Australia."

I hope so.

He's young and he'll be back in 2016 at the height of his game (and with Olympic experience!), so that'll be something to look forward to...

In the meanwhile, the press is having a field-day with tearing Magnussen down, just as Phelps before him. If I have to read one more "The Missile was a Dud" headline I'm going to scream. The guy is still a World Champion swimmer. He has a silver medal from the Olympic Games. If that makes him a dud, then the rest of the world might as well give up right now.

As for me? I'm just going to get some sleep.

So... no appearance by Rafalca at the Republican National Convention then?

Full Moon...

Blue Moon...

Tonight will be my last night of refuge on the coast.

Tomorrow morning I bite the bullet and head back to my smokey home. So put on your gas mask... because Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Five. I stayed up until midnight so I could pre-order my iPhone 5 on Wednesday...

It was precisely the cluster-fuck I knew it would be. Couldn't order at Apple because my AT&T billing address is a PO box and they won't deliver to a PO box. Have no clue as to why I can't enter a separate street address for delivery... but whatever. And so I had to pre-order at AT&T's site, which is an even bigger mess. Every single time you press a button, you have to re-press it dozens of times in order for the site to do anything. Every time you fill out a form, you have to re-fill it out and submit it dozens of times in order for the site to accept the data. This took TWO HOURS AND FIVE MINUTES. Insanity. And I have no idea when I'm even going to get it. I may have stayed up until 2:05am for nothing. I understand that these sites are getting completely slammed by thousands of people... but come on. There has got to be a better way of handling this.

   
• Carrier. Make no mistake. The only reason I renewed with shitty AT&T was because I could grandfather in my unlimited data plan. The very minute that AT&T tells me that I can no longer have unlimited data is the minute that I switch to Verizon. AT&T call quality just keeps getting worse and worse, and now data service is in the shitter as well. In cities like Chicago and Las Vegas, my iPhone is practically useless. Hopefully having 4G-LTE will help in cities where 3G fails, because... damn.

   
• Bacon. In what can only be considered a boon to all humanity, you can now check a star's Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon directly in a Google search...

   
• Trek. Speaking of Google... they had a genius interactive doodle for the 46th anniversary of Star Trek last week...

So awesome.

   
• Alcoholic. The news broke that Disney will be offering beer and wine for sale at their new French restaurant in Walt Disney World's "Magic Kingdom." Unsurprisingly, people are losing their shit. They're saying everything from "Walt Disney is turning in his grave!" to "BOYCOTT DISNEY!!" Never mind that the three other Disney World parks (Animal Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, and Epcot) have all been serving alcohol for years... somehow serving it in the Magic Kingdom is going to DESTROY DISNEY WORLD! And never mind that visitors can just get shit-faced in the parking lot before they even enter the park... oh no... WE'RE ALL DOOMED! And never mind that the alcohol Disney's going to be selling at heinous prices is only available in the evening and must be consumed before leaving the restaurant... WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Give me a break. I am so sick and tired of people going bat-shit crazy over things that will ultimately have -zero- effect on them. Like a glass or two of wine with dinner is suddenly going to turn Walt Disney World into a drunken brawl where kids will have to stumble over hookers and heroin addicts on their way to "It's a Small World." I never thought I'd be saying that there are people too fucking stupid for Disney World, but here we are. Oh well... more beer for me then.

   
Blargh... time to start thinking about my last smoke-free sleep.

Last night I went to a show by the Blue Man Group at Universal Studios CityWalk here in Orlando. I had seen them previously in Las Vegas and new this show would be smaller... but it was still pretty darn entertaining. Don't know if it's truly worth the high ticket price, but I was happy I got to go...

What I am NOT happy about is paying for internet here are the Universal Studios Hard Rock Hotel and having it be so damn slow that I can't update my blog. Guess I have to wait until I get back home before I get to post my entries for the next couple days.

Nothing quite like paying for shitty internet. Sure Disney's internet wasn't anything to write home about, but at least it was free.

And speaking of color... Blogography will be going PINK for October again this year. Be safe, ladies!

Today is my Friday this week!

I really, really don't like being sick.

And over-the-counter medication is not doing it for me.

I need to make friends with a doctor who can hook me up with the good stuff. And by "good stuff," I mean something that will put me in a medically-induced coma for 3 or 4 days until this cold has worked its way out of my system...

   
Scientists are making incredible medical advances every day. But the common cold is still here.

AND WHERE IS MY FRICKIN' FLYING CAR?!?

Stay safe this All-Hallows' Eve...

New shifter cables and $650 in repairs and I'm back on the road.

Looks like I can start bitching about how much I hate my car again...

But not today.

A lot of people have a lot bigger problems.

Fortunately, there's something we can all do to help.

My Fellow Americans,

No matter how things turn out tomorrow... here's hoping that we remember that we are all Americans first, Republicans or Democrats (or whatever) second, and we're all in this together in the end. There are far more things that unite us than divide us as a country... if only we would choose to remember that more often.

Good luck to all the candidates, and may the least worst politicians win!

Heartfelt thanks to my mom and dad... and everybody else who has served...

I'm celebrating the holiday by going on my second trip with the good people at Paranormal Georgia Investigations.

Old South Pittsburgh Haunted Hospital in Tennessee...

'Tis spooky!

I got called for work yesterday at 6:30am. Things didn't go quite as smoothly as planned, so I didn't finish until this afternoon at 3:00, which meant I was awake just over 32 hours straight. This is not something I recommend, because your brain starts going all mooshy around 28 hours in. I was hallucinating that I was a magic dolphin at 30 hours. Once I hit 32 hours, my brain started shutting down, which made it difficult to drive a car. Or even walk to my car, for that matter.

Naturally, the lawn care service was blowing leaves and mowing grass when I got back to the guest house where I was staying, which made getting some sleep a bit difficult. Or at least I thought it would... at some point I passed out.

Five hours later when I woke up I decided I wanted sugar for dinner, so I went into town for dessert.

And that was pretty much my day.

EXCEPT... I did have a conversation with a woman this morning where I remembered to ask about the girl I saw who was using chewing tobacco yesterday. "When did the ladies start packin' dips?" I asked. "Haven't you heard about women's lib? Women are doing a lot of things men like to do." she replied. "But chewing tobacco? Ewwww!" I said. "Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it" she replied.

And so I went and bought me some long-cut, Wintergreen-flavored Copenhagen dips and found me a pretty red Solo cup to spit into. Then, after an hour of scouring YouTube for "how-to" videos, I was on my way...

Now I'm buzzing' like a fuckin' bitch! As promised...

Here's hoping I don't get lip cancer and have to get my face cut off.

Who the fuck breaks into a zoo and beats a monkey to death? I mean, seriously, who does that?

All I can say is that I don't want to be around when the monkeys get their revenge.

Don't people know that this is the kind of shit that lead to Planet of the Apes?

We deserve what we get.

I am so very sad and angry now.

I was asked why I didn't post my annual Thanksgiving DaveToon yesterday.

I was going to, but found the idea of featuring a slaughtered turkey on my blog yet again to be more than a little depressing.

Besides isn't it about time Bad Monkey made peace with that turkey?

Next year, it's the turkey who will have something to be thankful for.

I have always hated wearing glasses. The frames are distracting in my field of vision and the lenses get smeared way too easily. So once I got my first pair of contact lenses, I was hooked. There was no way I was ever going back to stupid glasses ever again.

Or so I thought.

But then my eyes worsened, and contact lenses weren't giving me vision as good as they once did. I tried several different brands and styles, but to no avail. The best I could find were a disposable astigmatism lens, but they made my near-vision drop out completely.

And so now I'm back in glasses again, which give me pretty good vision near and far... certainly better than any contacts I tried...

Except I still hate them.

Because no matter how often I clean my glasses, it always seems as though I'm looking through smeary, dirty lenses with a nasty frame getting in the way. Apparently my brain has lost the ability to ignore such non-essential visual information.

Or maybe it's an ability I never had.

Because, come to think of it, I've never been able to ignore such non-essential visual information as Carson Daly or those stupid ads that networks put on top of their television shows...

Life is pain.

Anyone who says different is trying to sell you something.

But, more often than not, it's because somebody is trying to sell you something.

Yeah. Not a good day to be me...

Fortunately, the solution is easily accessible and mostly legal.

I don't know what this world is coming to.

I'm horrified that monkeys are now being jailed for wanting to do a little holiday shopping at the local IKEA. I mean, what the heck? Humans aren't the only ones who want to buy a BOOMFLARG bookcase for their den... or to give POOFENVOOG glassware for Christmas gifts!

And it doesn't even matter if they're wearing a fancy-ass coat!

   
Needless to say, Bad Monkey is livid.

He seems intent on putting on his little shearling coat and taking a trip to IKEA so he can dare somebody to say he isn't allowed to shop there...

   
I think he must have at least one gun in that coat. Probably two.

Happy Boxing Day!

Though I no think that means what I think it means...