Uhhhh... yeah... I don't even know where to begin.
This morning I started organizing all my T-shirt boxes so I could put them up in racks and reclaim my living room floor. Except I found out one of the boxes was NOT filed with T-shirts, it was filled with 28 boxed orders... all needing postage so they could be shipped out. Unfortunately, I had overlooked them yesterday. So I grab the box and head downstairs to my car. But somehow I miss the last step, and end up wrenching my back in an attempt to not fall on my face. The pain is so great that I can barely breath. In agony, I limp back upstairs so I can take a Special Pill to get through the day.
Ten of the orders I manage to get processed on my lunch hour. The remainder I saved for after work so they could be processed and be shipped out first thing in the morning.
So there I am tonight, four orders into my remaining 18, when the USPS web site comes up and says that my credit card has been declined. "Well that's freaky!" I say to myself. "This puppy has a limit of like $10,000 and there's no reason for it to be declined." So I call up USBank to see what's going on.
The ensuing asshattery resulted in my awarding a DUMBASS OF THE WEEK trophy, and it's only Tuesday!
DAVE: Hey. My card was declined as I was trying to buy postage from the online post office.
USBANK: Yes I see that. You've processed a lot of payments from USPS Online, and so your account was flagged as a possible fraud risk.
DAVE: Ah! Well, it's not fraud. It's really me! So if you'll fix that, I'll get back to work.
USBANK: I can't fix it. You have to get the post office to call in and get an authorization code.
DAVE: Er. I can't do that. It's a computer program. There's only tech support, and they can't process charges.
USBANK: Sorry. There's nothing I can do.
DAVE: Uhhhh... really? Well can you transfer me to your fraud department so I can tell them to stop declining charges?
USBANK: No. You have to get the post office to call.
DAVE: What?!? Why does the post office have to call? YOU'RE the one that is wrongly declining charges! Transfer me to the fraud department!
USBANK: They won't even talk to you because there's no actual fraud involved. There's nothing we can do.
DAVE: Are you kidding me? Transfer me to a supervisor before my brain explodes.
The supervisor goes through the exact same spiel about not being able to turn off the fraud flag, so I change gears...
DAVE: What if I was trapped in a foreign country and needed to charge a plane ticket back home on my credit card? Or what if I was deathly ill and the hospital wouldn't treat me until the charges went through on my card? Would you just let me die then?
USBANK SUPERVISOR: We do have the ability to authorize charges for an emergency.
DAVE: Great! I am using USPS online to send life-saving medication to sick children in Africa. So if you'll just fix this and approve my charges, I'll get back to work...
Of course, nothing I said made any difference. USBank simply refused to assist me at every turn.
Now, don't get me wrong, I think fraud detection is wonderful thing. It's really great that they have a system to monitor risky behavior so they can prevent fraud. But how utterly stupid is it that you can't call and get it turned off when the charges are, in fact, valid? How could anybody think this kind of moronic shit is good customer service? Does this make any sense what-so-ever? What good is a credit card that can be declined because of possible fraud, yet cannot be fixed when fraud is disproved?
Thus USBank has rightfully earned my DUMBASS OF THE WEEK award for being really stupid in their fraud control department.
And we'll see what tomorrow brings. I guess if my credit card is still being declined I'll have to go stand in line at the post office and buy postage the old-fashioned way.
"USBank Five Star Service Guarantee" my ass. I don't even give them one star tonight.