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Posted on Thursday, May 18th, 2006

Dave!Well, my wasp problem appears to have abated. Every once in a while, a little guy wanders up, but the hordes of horrifying insects that once occupied my deck have gone. I feel sorry for the wasps which do return only to find the dead bodies of their fallen comrades (and a once beautiful nest soaked with poison chemicals). The can of RAID tells me that the residue left behind can continue to kill for weeks, so I can only hope that the mass destruction and poison smell is enough of a warning for the little fellows to keep away.

I console myself over my insecticidal tendencies by imagining that the surviving wasps went on to find a nice tree somewhere and built a new home.

Self-delusion works for me.

I went to the library post office this afternoon to drop off my latest NetFlix rental (Wimbledon, which is probably great if you like tennis, but I thought it was kind of sappy/boring/lame) and noticed some bitch freaking out in the lobby. Apparently, she dropped her mail on the floor and had to pick it up. But that's not what caused her to lose it... she was crazy-insane because the little subscription cards in her magazines were flying everywhere as she was picking things up.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO PUT SO MANY F#@%ING CARDS IN MY F#@%ING MAGAZINES!!! THAT'S JUST F#@%ING STUPID!! AND A WASTE OF F#@%ING PAPER!!!! SOMEBODY SHOULD MAKE THESE F#@%ING THINGS F#@%ING ILLEGAL!! AAAAAAAHHHHH... WHY DO THEY F#@%ING DO THAAAAAAAAT!!!!

Ordinarily I wouldn't have cared, but she had her kid with her.

What kind of mother screams this kind of crap in front of their kid? What kind of dumbass makes such a ridiculous public display over magazine subscription cards? Seriously, WTF?!?

As I walked by, I made the mistake of asking her a question...

Dave: Do you really want to know why they stuff those subscription cards in magazines?
   
Bitchy Muther: LET'S HEAR IT SMART GUY!!
   
Dave: It's because they work. Those things cost good money to print and insert, but publishers pay it because the little cards work. If they didn't work, they wouldn't waste the cash.
   
Bitchy Muther: OH YEAH? WELL LET'S SEE HOW WELL THEY WORK WHEN I F#@%ING CANCEL ALL MY F#@%ING SUBSCRIPTIONS!!

Uh huh.

I was going to tell her that her little act of cancellation defiance would be about as effective as screaming at a piece of paper in a post office lobby, but held my peace. I most certainly did not mention that I have designed my share of subscription cards over the years. My self-preservation instinct overruled my smart-ass instinct for some reason.

I also taught myself a lesson.

I frickin' HATE television commercials that feature somebody chewing crunchy foods. It annoys the shit out of me. Potato chip commercials... breakfast cereal commercials... whatever... I HATE THAT CRAP! I don't want to hear it in real-life, why should I have to hear it during entertainment breaks? Aren't the commercials bad enough without having to annoy people too?

Dave Chew

I can only guess that advertising agencies do it because it works.

For some reason listening to some idiot smacking away makes for a compelling motivator to buy their stuff. I don't know why... honestly I don't... but it must work or they wouldn't do it.

WELL LET'S SEE HOW WELL THOSE ADVERTISEMENTS WORK WHEN I F#@%ING STOP BUYING THEIR F#@%ING ANNOYING CRAP FOODS!!!

Okay, maybe I didn't teach myself a lesson.

   

Oh well. Back to work.


Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. nick sizzle says:

    my wife just told me the other day that my chewing is annoying to her…what in the heck is cartoon dave eating?
    …it looks nummy..

  2. Brent says:

    I’ll never buy a Raisin Bran Crunch box of cereal because I think the commercials are ridiculous.

  3. I didn’t like Wimbeldon either. I believe I may have developed an allergy to Kirsten Dunst. Loved her in Bring It On, hating everything after.

    As for the subscription cards I did actually not renew my sub to Jane Magazine due to those cards. I kept getting mail from them telling me I was ‘preferred’ and could come back for 10 issues for $10.00. Great! Problem was the cards were offering new subs at 10 issues for $8.00. I thinks its because after Jane Pratt (SASSY!!) left the average IQ for a Jane reader dropped about 100 points. But I digress.

    I’ll see your chewing in commercials and raise you those foot fungus ones where they actually lift the nail bad and jump in. Gives me a complete case of vomitosis every time.

  4. Tracy Lynn says:

    Dude, I’m completely creeped out by that Skittles commercial with the guy with the beard.You know, the one where he feeds the woman interviewing him WITH HIS BEARD? Everytime I see it, my skin almost crawls off my body. AAARRRGGGHHH.

  5. Mocha says:

    I’m going to suggest you lay off the butter, Dave. I’m not sure what else is making you this way.

    On a good note, you’ve given me lots of vocabulary words to practice with my children. Thanks for that.

  6. Erin says:

    Yech!

    I completely concur about watching or worse, hearing someone crunch/slurp/smack. Gross, gross, gross.

  7. Rob says:

    My neighbor actually told her 5 year old son to “Don’t F’n touch her a-F’n-gain. If you F’n do it again I’ll F’n beat you little F’n a…”

    This was a few summers ago. And to make it even better, she is two doors down. She was yelling loud enough to hear it through my open bedroom window.

    Now thats parenting!

  8. adena says:

    Your Library and Post Office are in the same building….?

  9. Chase says:

    I’ve never wanted creamed spinach so badly before. I can’t put my finger on why…

  10. Dave2 says:

    Nick: Your chewing annoys me too. But don’t feel bad, EVERYBODY’S chewing bothers me! I’m big fun at dinner parties. :-)

    Brent: I feel that! The commercial with the idiot eating cereal at work and crunching so loud that he can’t hear anybody makes me want to kill somebody.

    Frances: ACK! ACK! I HATE THAT COMMERCIAL TOO! It makes my toenails hurt. :-(

    Tracy Lynn: Oh heck yes… that is too gross to be on television. I used to like Skittles, but now I think of that stupid commercial and gag every time I eat one. Bleh.

    Mocha: Hey, I wasn’t the one letting fly the F-word in front of a kid! I save that stuff for my blog! :-)

    Erin: But even worse, on television ads, they MAGNIFY the sound so it’s even MORE annoying? WTF?

    Rob: Isn’t that lovely? I had a downstairs neighbor once who yelled at her kids at all hours of the day and night. Finally, one night at 2am, I heard her yelling at her kids and decided to yell back. They moved out one week later. Apparently the bitch didn’t realize that people in neighboring apartments could hear her screaming.

    Adena: ??? Oh… no… NetFlix is a rent-by-mail deal, you mail the rentals back to them. Oddly enough, the library is just across the street from the post office.

    Chase: I want spinach lasagna… I don’t know why either. Must be a secret mind-control plan by the Spinach Growers of America. The bastards.

  11. Bec says:

    I like the subscription cards… Don’t know why… They’re just so shiny and they make pretty patterns when they fall on the floor… They make great book(magazine)marks, and the bigger ones make excellent paper airplanes…
    Hehehehehe – I know what i’ll be doign at work tomorrow…

  12. Chanakin says:

    Another great toon, Dave!

    (I’ve never seen anyone chew backwards before…)

  13. ms. sizzle says:

    i don’t think you taught yourself a lesson but i wish someone would teach the bitchy mom one.

    seriously, what is WITH people!?

  14. timothy says:

    Don’t even get me started about the Raisin Bran Crunch commercials! Thanks Brent for bringing it up. I’m annoyed just thinking about it. I hate radio commercials that have a pouring sound effect, like beer or soda being poured into a mug. Too often they sound more like a man urinating into a toilet.

  15. Jeff says:

    The commercial that disgusts me the most is of the morning guy who stands there swishing the hot, spitty mouthwash around in his mouth for 30 seconds. Gah! And that’s supposed to be promoting what again?

  16. Karl says:

    I have no idea what cartoon Dave is eating there, but I can only assume it ain’t crunchy.

    Man, I cannot stand it when I hear people swearing like sailors in front of children (theirs or otherwise). I’m so normally anti-confrontational but it’s one of the few instances when I’ll put someone in their place. I’ve done it before and I’m sure I’ll do it again. I swear you should have to pass screening tests to breed.

    Nevertheless, I do hate those subscription cards. I know they work because I’ve used them tons of times myself. Thing is, after I subscribe to your frickin’ magazine, why do you keep putting the damned cards in the mags you mail me?

  17. adena says:

    I know Netflix is a rent by mail thing, I am a subscriber. You had just talked about how you went to the library to send back the netflix stuff, and how the lady was throwing a fit the the Post Office lobby, so I was confused. :)

    It doesn’t take much.

  18. Dave2 says:

    Holy cats! I DID say I went to the library.

    You must think I am insane.

    Well, more insane than you probably already did. :-)

  19. Suzi aka SJ says:

    I just want to know if you slept decently last night?

  20. Michelle says:

    Crunching is bad but can be lived with. What I can’t stand is people who snap when they eat. It’s disgusting. That and chewing with their mouth open. Just ewww.

  21. Belinda says:

    “My self-preservation instinct overruled my smart-ass instinct for some reason.”

    See? You ARE growing up! When we all come to live in the Dave-controlled society, will there be cones of silence for each individual at dinner? Because that would be good, for freaks like us. Either that, or there must be loud music.

  22. Mooselet says:

    CartoonDave is really grossing me out, but the Toddler loves him. Keeps wanting me to scroll back up the screen so she can giggle.

    Chewing with mouths closed is the one thing I really harped on my older kids about. It’s just nasty.

    And lady freaking out over the subscription cards… that’s why they put those trash cans in the post office. Shut up already.

  23. YAY for no wasps! I hope they aren’t forming armies of wasps to come invade!

    What the heck? This is the second story I’ve read today about crazy mummies blue-streak cursing with their children in tow. AND I witnessed a whacked out crazy in the parking lot today. She was screaming bloody hell. Scary stuff. I think we need child licenses…like driver’s licenses. Oi.

    I haaaaaaate those chewing, crunching, gross food eating commercials. Remember a few years back with the Carl’s Jr. hamburger where the chick was eating the burger? Condiments flinging everywhere. Juicy sounds from her licking her fingers. That seriously made me want to yak. I haven’t been to Carl’s Jr. since. Gross. And I don’t mean the Paris Hilton one. I can’t find a link for the Carl’s Jr. one, but here is the Hardees one (same company) GAG.
    http://www.awfulcommercials.com/hardees01.php

  24. Nicola says:

    The thing I need to know is, how you tell someone nicely/politely that they should close their mouth while chewing? I mean you just can’t! Therefore you have to sit through the horrid noise of their chewing and crunching….

    Someone should come up with a worldwide hand gesture that says “shut your mouth!”

    Grrrrrrrr

  25. Kevin says:

    I must admit that I am thoroughly disappointed that ChewyDave doesn’t have an accompanying midi sound effect. For shame.

  26. delmer says:

    My bathroom and personal library happen to be the same room.

    As I do a lot of my magazine reading in my personal library I, too, hate the subscription cards. They’re always falling into my lap and I have concerns about the paper cuts they might inflict.

    It took years (I’m ashamed to admit) to realize I should open my mags over the trash can before taking them into the library with me.

    Way back I subscribed to too many computer mags and decided to let one of the subscriptions expire. The following issues I shook out the subscription cards and counted them up. The mag with the most cards that fell out was cut from the herd.

  27. Avitable says:

    Is he eating a frog?

  28. Mikey says:

    I think they need to use your Dave’s cafe boy chomping in an ad.

  29. karla says:

    Ok so hate me, but I hate those subscription cards, too. They could AT LEAST leave them out of the magazines going to folks who already have subscriptions…..isn’t one enough? Why 20?

    Crunching people of any sort (or as my mom says “grunting”) drive me insane. We actually have to leave the room when my husband or father eat chips/lettuce/cereal. I am convinced they have thin cheeks. (I have inherited this insane notion from my Mom. A childhood of “Stop GRUNTING” comments scarred me for life.) Movie theatres are torture for me sometimes. The grunting and the gribbling (another mom-ism for the opening of wrappers) drives me up the bend.

    My husband is convinced I have supersonic hearing. I dunno, he might be right.

    I also, by the way, hate the sometimes squishy noises of people kissing on tv. Am I the only one?

  30. lizriz says:

    A few years ago I actually bought a Family Circle magazine because of a particular article. There were SO MANY of those cards inside, I honestly could not believe it. I really hate them, too, and I always pull the one out of my TV Guide and throw it away right away. So as I’m reading this Family Circle, I’m pulling and pulling and… pulling and pulling… I will NEVER EVER buy another Family Circle again, and I imagine that applies to any other magazine that’s targeted at an audience that would actually buy a collectable plate.

  31. sandra says:

    Subscription Card Woman sounds special.

    You know what I hate? Those stupid kids on the Welch’s ads. They make me want to throw things at my TV.

  32. Michelle YBF says:

    If you are like me and hate those effing subscription cards (called “blow-ins” because there is a machine that blows them into the magazines), drop all of your blank ones into the mailbox. It is a business reply card so the magazine company has to pay postage on them no matter if they’re filled out or not.

  33. Dave2 says:

    Now that’s just cruel!

    And deviously clever. :-)

  34. There’s a new product: cruchless potato chips (or peanuts or doritoes). But they couldn’t be mushy either…

    Hmm… Well if anyone steals my idea, I get a lifetime supply of any of the items that are “crunchless”. But I think I’m going to register the term “crunchless” so I can get royalties on every package. Imagine “Crunchless Inside” logos everywhere….

  35. Scarlet says:

    Yeah, I really liked Wimbledon but I’m slightly obsessed with tennis. I can see how a non-fan wouldn’t like it as much.

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