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Posted on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012

Dave!After work I had to go to the grocery store.

And while I hate shopping of any kind, I'd have to say that shopping for groceries is the worst. Probably because, unlike the joy of shopping for sayyyyyy... a flamethrower, nobody likes to shop for groceries. They're expensive and boring. What's to love?

But I needed hamburger buns and chocolate milk, so off I went.

Where I had a more miserable time than usual thanks to some really bad parenting going on.

Usually when I see parents who don't seem to know what they're doing with their children, I refer them to my best-selling book, Minding Your Kids in Public for Dumbasses...

Minding Kids for Dumbasses

But, because I am feeling generous this evening, I am going to provide an excerpt with some critical insight on child-rearing for FREE! Yes, that's right... I'm giving away FREE PARENTING ADVICE! Just one of the many benefits of being a Blogography reader, yo.


Here is a blueprint of a typical grocery store. And here's you shopping for frozen pizza back in the frozen foods aisle...

Grocery Store Blueprint: YOU

And here are your kids way over here going ape-shit in the bakery aisle...

Grocery Store Blueprint: YOUR KIDS



Otherwise they might get abducted.

Though this is probably not a bad thing. Then at least somebody would be watching them.

No need to thank me. Knowing that I'm making civilization a better place is enough for me!

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Categories: DaveLife 2012Click To It: Permalink


  1. Kailyn says:

    You have not shopped at Berkeley Bowl because those parents were totally on their job.

    I on the other hand have still not recovered from that one kid a few years ago. He weaved his way between the carts lined up at the various checkouts. Oh and if there wasn’t enough room, he would just shove that cart back into you. Then his parents were ready for checkout. In front of me. Somehow this child thought that it was cool to put his germ infested hands on everything that I had put down on the belt. His parents were oblivious so I finally gave the child that look. The look that said “I will kill you slowly if you touch any of my food again.” Worked perfectly. He went to cower behind his parents.

  2. You TOTALLY need to add a chapter to your book about bringing your kids to a tattoo studio. Then send me about 1000 of them.

  3. Invader_Stu says:

    Sounds like a TV show in the making. Abduction Parenting. We abduct your children for a week and tell them to f***king behave.

  4. AjohnP says:

    First of all, I love going grocery shopping. I know I’m totally in the minority, but my husband and I have always gone together and we’ve always had fun doing it. I can’t explain, but ’tis true.

    Second of all, thanks for the free parenting advice. Our son isn’t quite old enough to be causing disturbances in public, but rest assured, if he starts causing trouble, we’ll be putting a stop to that quickly. ‘Bad’ parents who have no regard for their children’s safety and no respect for the rest of the planet’s sanity make me crazy. I certainly won’t be one of ‘those’ dads. 🙂

  5. Kyra Wilson says:

    So… maybe it’s because I have my own kids, but if I see something that bad, I will snap out a sharp “Knock it off, NOW!” at the kids going bonkers. I have zero tolerance for that crap. I’m tired too, I have kids too, but guess what? I’m responsible if I’m feeling good, OR down with the plague, it doesn’t matter. Although, my kids have never done anything like that, so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about, being that I was blessed with the Stepford children (that shoe is gonna drop eventually, this just isn’t natural.)

  6. Megan says:

    I love it when I give kids the death stare and they just freeze. It’s sad that all it really takes is a little direction and some parents can’t manage to muster the energy to bother.

  7. Gary says:

    OMG, I need at least one copy FedExed to suburban Philadelphia before they visit again. Is this available as an audio book so they can listen on the plane?

  8. bo says:

    This is why you remind me of Jack Kirby. You put so much detail into what’s basically a throw-away gag. The blueprints are great, but it’s the labels and the chairs & tables that put it over the top. I got so distracted by the blueprints you’d’ve thought they were boobs or something. Nice work.

    • Dave2 says:

      Um… yeah… downloaded a floorplan off the internet. But I DID spend five minutes cleaning it up and making it look like a blueprint, so there’s that! 🙂

  9. martymankins says:

    Maybe the frozen pizza is a surprise for the kids because they have been so good and the mom just wants to put it in the basket with the kids seeing it…

    Nah, it’s just being a lazy fucking parent.

  10. Sybil Law says:

    We just need to hand out giant, “YOU FAIL AS A PARENT” papers for the assholes.

  11. Iron Fist says:

    Man, as much as I would love to tell so many people that they are failing as parents when I see shit like this, the retort is always the same: “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY KIDS YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE.”


  12. shari says:

    Yeah, the hooligans got away from me. Sorry ’bout that! 😉

  13. Michelle M. says:

    Could you pretty please write an all inclusive Parenting for Dummies book? As a former preschool teacher, I have seen enough awful parenting to last me a lifetime (and prevent me from teaching ever again – I hope).

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