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Posted on Monday, March 20th, 2006

Dave!Argh. My plan was to spend my birthday in Cabo San Lucas for four glorious days... but my friend can't get her schedule changed, and I'm too buried in work, so we're postponing things. I'm still going to Seattle to goof off this weekend, but boy was I looking forward to drunken adventures in Cabo.

It was just one of several disappointments facing me as I started the week. Unfortunately, it wasn't even the worst thing to happen. No, that would be the old woman who was shouting at me as I drove through the parking lot this morning. I'm getting used to old people yelling and shaking their fist at me, though I can never figure out exactly why they do it. I used to stop and roll down my window so I could find out what their problem was (they're my neighbors, after all) but eventually gave up, because I always ended up more confused than when I started.

So I just give a quick wave and continue on my merry way.

Except she was having none of that. She decided to come after me.

Waving her cane with a righteous fury, she hobbles off the sidewalk and shuffles toward my car. Slowly. Figuring that something could be wrong, I stopped the car, got out, and walked back to her.

Turns out it was a case of mistaken identity... she thought that I was supposed to be driving her to an appointment because my "car looked the same". This was a huge relief to me because the last thing I needed was to have an old lady beat my ass with a cane. I deposited her back on the curb so she wouldn't be run over and said my goodbyes.

Then, just as I was heading back to my auto, somebody pulled up in a beat-to-shit car that looked nothing like mine and started screaming at the poor old woman to get in or they would be late. So once again the old lady hobbles off the curb and then tries to open the car door. When I notice she is having trouble, and the bitch behind the wheel has no intention of helping her, I once again ran back so I can assist her into the car.

My reward is to have the bitch driver then scream at me for blocking the exit.

And yet if I were to strangle the white-trash piece of shit, I WOULD END UP BEING THE ONE SENT TO A POUND-YOU-IN-THE-ASS PENITENTIARY!

This kind of pushed me past the "disappointment" stage and sent me right into "rage" mode. It took every bit of strength I had to not curse the bitch out and, if the old lady hadn't been there, I most certainly would have. AAAAARRRRGGGHH!!

A canceled trip to Cabo. Screaming white-trash bitches. And NO Elizabeth Hurley Project Catwalk torrent yet. THIS is how I am starting my week?!?

I. Want. Out. Of. Here.

Categories: DaveLife 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. Mooselet says:

    Sadly for the old lady, this cow is probably the only person she has to rely on for help, and she’s grateful for it. That’s sad.

    But back to you Dave… shitty way to start your week. Especially when it’s your birthday. Happy birthday anyway!!

  2. Betta says:

    Hi! I’ve just found your blog, and I think is very nice with that draws, and your posts are so interesting that I will add your feed to my reader and see you very often! Nice to meet you! 🙂

  3. Belinda says:

    Sorry, Sweetness. But hey, the point is (where are your Buddhist leanings, lately?) that YOU did the right thing, and that you are only responsible for that much. What other people do, or how they react, is on them. I’m glad that you helped the old lady, not once, but twice…a lot of people would have just driven around her without a second thought.

    I hope you get your birthday wish, even if it has to not fall on your birthday, and Dave? I know you’d like to *think* you’re a raging bad**s? But seriously. Come on. Give us a break. The Bad Monkey is badder than you.

  4. Kevin says:

    Sorry to hear about Liz. Hopefully it means that she’s preparing some uber-sexy episode complete with the slinkiest outfits imaginable dedicated to you.

    Hey, one can hope. I’m just lookin’ out for you, man.

  5. amamgets says:

    Tonight while walking the girl Golden stopped to pee in someone’s yard, right off the curb. The lady inside started yelling at me, and it sounded like sounds from the bottom of a fishbowl, and basically scared the shit out of me ’til I saw her.

    I thought about knocking on the door and explaining that the dog didn’t poop in her yard, I woulda picked it up if she had (hence the bag hoochit hanging from the leash), but then I got a better look at her and just ran.

    I was a couple of blocks away before feeling safe from the gun I imagined the crazyass-no-urine-allowed-in-my-butt-ugly-dead-yard lady was toting.

  6. ms. sizzle says:

    a) it is your birthday? great! i love a fellow aries.

    b) old people shaking canes scare the bejesus out of me. . .but, where do you live that you are surrounded by geezers? (i am fairly new here so maybe i missed the post about you living in a retirement home. i mean, retired person’s community.)

    c) definitely get drunk in seattle. it is no cabo but it will do in a pinch.

  7. Mark says:

    Happy birthday! Drink one for me Dave. Sadly, I have to work tomorrow. Or three or four, however many it takes for you to get drunk. You should try a pint of Guiness with a shot of Jameson in it. It’s like a little slice of heaven in your mouth. Trust me.

  8. Bec says:

    Okay, I’m one for helping old ladies across the street and taking their abuse – one even hit me in the leg with her cane because I was walking too fast (I was being honked at and engines were reving in a not good way – I didn’t feel like getting run over) – they deserve a little respect. They know more than us and they have to deal with a world getting faster and faster and they slow down.

    So good for you Dave. I live for the day I can be ‘wear a tea-cosy on my head and shake my stick at people’ old; and I hope there are people like you around when I am.

    And the bitch in the car – you are a good person and have a lot more will power than me…

    Mondays, hey?!

  9. Eve says:

    I think Mooselet is probably right, that lady (who’s most likely senile) probably has only that bitch to depend on. That really sucks. Dude, you did a good thing, regardless, keep your chin up. As for the birthday adventure, something better will come along. You’ll be exactly where you’re supposed to be.

  10. Alexis says:

    It’s no Cabo, but you could always come get your geek on at Sakura Con this weekend! I’ll be there all weekend, definitely in my best Gothic Lolita attire, and probably in varying states of intoxication. It’s great fun!

    Hope your birthday’s happy and your week looks up!

  11. Chanakin says:

    I’m sorry, but I can’t stop laughing at that old woman thinking your car looked like the piece of shit that came to pick her up.

    Are you sure you’re just not in denial? Maybe spending money on a new car is in order instead of blowing it on willy nilly.

  12. Sounds like you were in an episode from Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm.

  13. Ron Simmer says:

    Happy Birthday Nephew. Can’t help but check in on you now and again… Liz Hurley… hmmm us Simmer’s think a like…. this old man melts at the sight of her. You have good taste. Tell your dad I said hi… we email daily and foward old man dirty jokes. Cheers and Happy B Day Kiddo.

    your long lost Uncle Ron…………..

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