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Passovered

Posted on Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

Dave!I just got through beating the crap out of a vending machine so I could get the Hershey's "Take 5" candy bar I just bought, only to discover that it is stale and doesn't taste very good. I should have gone for the "Snickers" bar, because those bitches last forever.

But enough about my lunch.

Last night after I had cried for a few hours because my internet is dead, I decided to do something constructive... like wash clothes and clean out my bedroom. It was while doing the latter that I noticed that the circular polarizing filter for my camera had a nice crack running through it. The last time I used it was when I was in Italy over a year ago, and have no idea how it happened. This was depressing, because a good polarizer costs around $124, and I really don't have that kind of money to be tossing around. But the idea of life without a circular polarizing filter fills me with dread, so I decided to buy a new one anyway.

Which is really difficult right now.

Because just about all of the big camera places are closed for Passover.

This comes as a bit of a shock to people like me living in the uncivilized parts of the Pacific Northwest, where the Jewish population is close to zero. Of course I know what Passover is, having been raised Catholic and seen The Ten Commandments, but my understanding of the Jewish celebration of the holiday is limited to an episode of Sports Night I once watched. I think it has to do with drinking lots of wine, eating matzo bread, and chewing bitter herbs in remembrance of the Mel Gibson anti-semitic tirade of 2006...

Dave Seder
Anybody know where I can get a veggie shank bone?

You also get to wear those little hats and get off work for a week, which sounds good to me (even though I don't look particularly good in a yamaka because my head is shaped like a peanut).

Unfortunately, I inadvertently violated Passover rules when I had my bread machine churn out a yummy loaf of leavened bread a couple nights ago. This wouldn't have been a big deal, except I blogged about it. That makes calling in Jewish at work a risky proposition, since I'm pretty sure there are co-workers who read Blogography. Thus, no Passover for my secular ass.

I'm seriously considering drinking those four glasses of wine anyway though. It will help me to deal with my DSL connection celebrating Passover without me.


Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. I’m not Jewish but some good friends are and I like to drool and lurk around at Passover in hopes of Brisket and mashed potatoes, which I still don’t get. (okay, the man I am seeing is their private chef, so I have an “in” and always know what they are having for dinner).

    Snickers has to be the #1 meal candy bar. Or I’ve been known to eat a box of Almond Rocha.

  2. undisciplined says:

    “For vegetarians, who may object to using a lamb bone on the seder plate (as a remembrance of the paschal sacrifice): it is halakhically [legally] acceptable to use a broiled beet as a replacement.”

    So where do beets rank on your veg-o-meter? There isn’t a vegetable I don’t like! There is always at least one good way to make any veggie delicious, to me, anyway!

  3. Lewis says:

    Sounds like a tough week, my friend. BUT, there is good news! You now have a clean bedroom and less money in your pocket to spend on stale candy bars. And, even better news, no head gear to sport.

  4. Bec says:

    Now that explains why one of the shops I get my groceries form is closed! Feel like a dumbass but… can barely remember my own name at the moment, let alone other religion’s holidays.

    But four glasses of wine – not sure if I’d prefer that to the traditional mountain of chocolate of Easter!

  5. cce says:

    I’ve only got one Seder under my belt, having celebrated last year with our Jewish friends. Only problem is that I cooked the meal. Veal meatballs, fried chicken salad, a flour less chocolate cake, all loving created by my goy-self. I didn’t know I was tainting the ceremonial meal with my unchosen but well meaning hands. They politely ate what was put in front of them and then went and had Seder with their parents. This year I’m eating lots of leavened bread and giving the Jewish friends the finger.

  6. Laurel says:

    But you have fresh bread to eat with those four glasses of wine. Condolences on the demise of your internet. Make it five glasses… mazel tov…

  7. Dan says:

    wait, we’re supposed to be getting the week off for this? mom!!!!

  8. sizzle says:

    i’m still giggling about how your head is shaped like a peanut.

    snickers, they really satisfy.

  9. Bre says:

    Hmm… know what’s strange? I have never in my life not been able to get to a store because of a Jewish holiday. What I mean is that I’ve been frustrated cause stores closed down for Catholic holidays… or national ones… but to my knowledge nothing around me ever has for anything else.

    Odd.

  10. Yarmulke, Dave. Yarmulke.

    — it’s okay. Last year I had to explain to my dad that Jews don’t celebrate Easter. Then I had to explain that they don’t believe in Jesus.

    Everybody learned a lot that day.

  11. bogup says:

    vending machine?! vending machine?!
    bad choice, Dave. Never buy anything out of them since the products are often yicky and past the pull dates and … oh, and you can lose your money.
    Go to Costco and get a 48 pack of Snickers or Milky Way or Junior Mints… mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

  12. Karl says:

    You have a much greater understanding of Passover than I do. Go with God, my son.

  13. Dave2 says:

    Stepping… That’s because Snickers is packed with peanuts and really satisfies!

    Undisciplined… Broiled beet? That doesn’t sound very yummy. I wonder if I could use a pickled beet, which is okay I guess.

    Lewis… Wealthy, clean, and hat-less? I guess there are worse things that could happen!

    Bec… Perhaps they make a chocolate wine, so you could celebrate both at the same time?

    cce… Well, seder IS about spending time with your family, so they probably would have done that anyway…

    Laurel… Maybe I could just drink four BOTTLES of wine and be done with it? I probably wouldn’t care about my internet troubles ever again with four bottles in me.

    Dan… I suppose it depends on how observant you are of Jewish traditions. Or if you run a camera shop. Apparently if you sell any photography-related equipment, it’s automatic.

    Sizzle… Yes, but it’s a BIG peanut!

    Bre… I guess it’s where you live? If there’s a big Jewish community in your area, then you would probably notice it more?

    Katharine… Translating Hebrew words into English is dicey, because it all depends on who is doing the translating and what sounds you are trying to emulate. Kind of like the whole Hanukkah / Chanukah situation. Now-a-days it seems like people are leaning towards spellings which are most clear in pronunciation. If somebody writes out “yarmulke” for a gentile, they will undoubtedly mis-pronounce it or not recognize it… hence “yamaka” which seems to be growing in popularity. I suppose that I could have always typed “יאַרמלקע,” but then somebody would think I was typing Klingon or something. I dunno. :-)

    Bogup… But I want a “Take 5” bar!

    Karl… You haven’t seen The Ten Commandments? But it’s got Charlton Heston parting the Red Sea with a big stick!!

  14. Pauly D says:

    I had the best Passover evah last night. Mmm, chocolate covered toffee matzoh.

    Try it. And leave the gefelte fish alone.

  15. Eve says:

    I was raised Catholic, so I too know all I know about Juddaism from The Ten Commandments movie, lol. Well, actually, in elementary school, we’d have a sedar at lunchtime for Passover, so that’s how I knew about the bitter herbs and such. Dave’s mom’s family is Jewish and so are my stepmom and stepdad, so I’m getting an education.

    Dave doesn’t really celebrate Passover (unless his mom is in town and invites us to celebrate), which is puzzling to me. Every year I tell him, “But this is YOUR day. You’re the first-born son. You’d have been PASSED OVER. Be thankful!

    Oh, and thanks to Undisciplined for the veggie Passover tip.

  16. bogup says:

    “Take 5” candy bar:
    Amount Per Serving %DV *
    Total Calories 210
    Calories from Fat 100
    Total Fat 11 g 17%
    Saturated Fat 5 g 25%
    Trans Fat 0 g 4%
    Sodium 180 mg 8%
    Total Carbohydrate 25 g 8%
    Dietary Fiber 1 g 4%
    Sugars 18 g 8%
    Protein 4 g 8%
    _______________
    My oh my!

  17. Hilly says:

    “calling in Jewish” – priceless.

    Sadly, my damaged brain forgot today is Passover, even if I do know what it means. Now the magical mystery of “hey why is there no traffic on the 405?” has been solved.

    Now go and be merry with your wine.

  18. margalit says:

    I’m so full after two seders in a row I think I’m about to ‘splode. I swear it, being Jewish means learning how to eat mass quantities of food in one sitting.

    Last night brisket with tsimmes (which you could have eaten, Dave, as it was meatless), and tonight turkey. Both nights of course had homemade gefilte fish (best I’ve ever made, according to my son), chicken soup with big fluffy matzoh balls, potato kugel on day 1 and pan roasted potatos on day 2, fresh grilled asparagus, and with the turkey, matzoh farfel stuffing.

    And dessert. Lots and lots of dessert. Cakes, candy, and a jelly roll.

    Again, I think I’m gonna ‘splode.

    I know TWO Jews in Walla Walla. There’s a synagogue of sorts there. It’s tiny and very non observant.

    Now, about the Yarmulke comment. It DOES have an L, it is NOT Hebrew, it’s Yiddish, and it’s not used anymore. The modern Hebrew word is Kippah (singular) or Kippot (plural). The only people who still say Yammie are either not Jewish, secular Jews, or 80 years old. Your Hebrew was good, and the letters are, from right to left, yud, mem, lamed, kaf, ayn. Look at the names of the letters. Hebrew does not have vowels, so if you put the consenents together you actually have YMLKA. Cool, huh?

    And… one of the biggest online camera stores… in our very ‘burb.

    Your friend with the worlds best book store AND camera store, all in one little city! Oh, and plenty of kosher stores, restaurants, and 12, count ’em, 12 synagogues! Just in our town. Actually, now that I think about it, there are 14. Two new ones opened this past year.

    On to the wines. I bought 6 bottles for the two nights. Last night was a wonderful Kosher Australian Shiraz, tonight was a terrific Italian Pinot Grigio. Both meshuval Kosher. The new Kosher wines are to die for. No more grape juice for us!

  19. Dustin says:

    My (Jewish) God, you’re right!!! Snickers bars do last forever!!

    And as my* rabbi once told me “Being Jewish is state of mind. That and being able to stomach gefilte fish.”

    *Mine as in my prof for Judaism 304: Loving the Torah in college

  20. Avitable says:

    In law school, I became Jewish just in time to get the holidays off.

  21. Stacey says:

    I’ve never seen The Ten Commandments. Heh. What kind of Catholic schoolgirl does that make me?

  22. Leah says:

    /delurking/

    You can use a fresh beet instead of a shankbone. The red juice can represent the blood of the paschal lamb… erm.

    If you really wanted to know a substitute.

    /end delurking/

  23. kapgar says:

    I think wine consumption is interdenominational. You should be set. I may tip a few back as well. Shall we plan a time to do so in eTandem?

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