Whoopee.
I love Les Schwab.
Not the man (is he even alive anymore?) but his tire stores.
When you buy tires from Les Schwab, it's a full-service affair. Everybody there is busting their ass to ensure you get the absolute best service possible. Buy their tires? Free mounting. Get a flat tire? They'll fix it for free. Need to have your tires rotated? Free. Just want to have your tire pressure checked? Also free. No appointment necessary, and they're motto is "if we can't guarantee it, we won't sell it."
And nobody at Les Schwab ever walks anywhere... they run to service their customers. "May I help you sir?" they say, after having sprinted up to you at Olympic speed.
Now let's contrast my impeccable experience at Schwab for tire rotation today with my experience at the local Radio Shack thirty minutes later...
I walk in and notice they've remodeled the store. Not wanting to waste my time, I decide to ask for help at the counter. "I'm looking for a CD storage binder" I say. "It's over there" the Radio Shack minion replies as he waves his hand in a non-specific direction. So "over there" I go. But I don't find them. "Hey, all I find over there are CD sleeves, I'm looking for a binder" I say. "Then you didn't get it here. Try Office Depot" the minion responds. "But I DID get it here" I insist... "it is a Radio Shack branded binder!" Without even looking up from the paper he's reading, the guy tells me "well I guess we don't have them then!"
Well thanks for your "help", f#@%er!
The guy never left the counter, and wouldn't even acknowledge I exist until I talked to him. No running to serve me. No helping me look. He didn't even bother to check his computer to see if it could be ordered. He just didn't give a shit.
I hate that.
I mean, it's not like I'm walking in wanting to get blown or anything... I just want reasonable assistance when I shop in your f#@%ing store. Is it really too much to ask for you to put down your newspaper, haul your ass around the corner, and at least TRY to help me out?
No wonder I buy everything online.
Despite working my guts out over the holiday weekend, I still made time to go see Memoirs of a Geisha at the movies. As a Japanophile, it was an absolute necessity.
But make no mistake that I wanted to see the movie because I was a fan of the book... nothing could be further from the truth. I positively despise the book Memoirs of a Geisha on which the movie is based. It is a highly fictionalized crap-fest that shits all over the secret "flower and willow world" of the geisha and is an insult to Japanese culture on several levels. I am positively horrified that the book is the big success that it is, because it propagates stereotypes and false information that go against everything geisha are supposed to be about.
No, I went to see the movie because I am a mega-huge fan of Michelle Yeoh. And also the incomparable Ziyi Zhang, who I fell in love with ever since watching the sublime Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon...
But here's the problem. Neither Michelle Yeoh or Ziyi Zhang are Japanese.
Sure their performances weren't terrible, but they should have never been cast in the first place. They were hired for the job solely because they have name recognition (no matter how vague here in the US) and because Western audiences won't know or care that they aren't Japanese. They look "Asian" and that, apparently, was enough.
Unless you appreciate Japanese culture, in which case they are about as Japanese as I am. Seriously, I could have been cast as the geisha, and it would have been just as "authentic"...
Anyway...
The word "geisha" literally means "arts person" in Japanese. Geisha are not prostitutes, as most Westerners would think, but living, breathing, moving, works of exquisitely beautiful art. Sex never enters the picture (which is not to say that geisha don't have sex, it's just that they do not have sex as geisha, which is a big difference). Geisha are highly trained from a young age to sing, dance, play instruments, compose poetry, facilitate conversation, and dozens of other art forms... like gracefully pouring tea and making ikebana (interpretive Japanese flower arrangements). They are entertainers of the highest caliber, and respected artists both in action and appearance.
Which is why the movie and book sucks ass. in order to appeal to the tawdry nature of Americans, everything is infused with sex. You've got geishas having sex (in their okiya!)... geishas selling their virginity... geishas having their clothes ripped off... all these ridiculous things which are included solely to sell books and movie tickets. Obviously I can't say that these things never happened to a geisha in real-life, but they are in no way indicative of what geisha represent, and it saddens me to think that this is the image Westerners will have of them. I mean, sure it's one-step above the prostitutes that most people have in mind now, but not much of one.
Putting the true nature of geisha and reality aside, the film still fails in my opinion. It was beautifully shot with capable actors, but that doesn't compensate for the uneven pacing that's paired with a poor (and somewhat pedophile-freaky) story. Unlike The Last Samurai, which I was able to buy into as fanciful Japanese fiction, Memoirs of a Geisha never managed to absorb me. Too many flaws kept getting in the way.
After receiving not one, but TWO emails from Memoirs of a Geisha fans railing on me for my less than flattering review of the crappy book and soulless film adaptation, my mind turned to happier times. Times where I feel safe. Times where I felt unthreatened. Times where I am in control of my own destiny in a world gone mad....
Times spent wiping my ass.
And from there it was only a small leap to the horrifying realization that I am nearly out of toilet paper and will soon have to be making a trip to Target to re-stock up on critical household supplies.
Now, as I have mentioned here many, many times... I loathe shopping. Totally can't stand it. And to avoid shopping for as long as possible, I always buy in bulk. When I need a new pair of jeans, I don't just buy the one pair, I buy five. When I need ketchup, I buy three jumbo bottles to be sure I won't have to buy ketchup again any time soon. When I crave a Tootsie Pop, I buy an entire 100-count carton... I just don't mess around when I am forced to shop.
So understand that when I buy toilet paper, I am looking for maximum wipe-age. And when you want maximum wipe-age, there's only one thing to do... buy the Charmin Mega-Roll Mega Six-Pack...
It's the Cadillac of toilet paper. And I must admit that when I saw the words "CHANGE THE ROLL LESS OFTEN" on the package, I broke down in tears of happiness. It's a dream come true for non-shoppers everywhere.
But there is a problem.
Target doesn't have a shopping bag big enough to hold a Charmin Mega-Roll Mega Six-Pack.
When you make your purchase, you have to walk out the door with this big-ass package of toilet paper where everybody can see you holding it. And that's when you realize it...
EVERYBODY IS GOING TO KNOW THAT YOU WIPE YOUR ASS!
And that bothers me for some reason.
What are people thinking when they see me walking through the parking lot with this Mega Six-Pack of toilet paper I wonder. "Boy that guy sure wipes his ass a lot!" Or perhaps "That dude has serious bowel issues!" Or maybe "Whoa, he must look at a lot of porn!"
I dunno. I don't want to know.
But it does kind of freak me out seeing all these condescending glances as I make my way to my car. "I JUST DON'T LIKE TO SHOP!" I want to scream at them. "DON'T JUDGE ME, LOVE ME!" I want to cry.
Why does buying toilet paper have to be such a traumatic experience? Shouldn't you be PROUD that you wipe your ass? I mean, it is a good thing compared to the alternative of NOT wiping your ass, isn't it?
Maybe it's just me. Perhaps I have wiping issues or something.
It never ceases to amaze me how people approach random conversation with strangers. Some people make inconsequential chit-chat with random questions like "What do you think of this weather we're having?" and "how about that game last night?" It's boring, mindless stuff, but fully appropriate when speaking to somebody you don't know.
And then there are the people who pull such bizarre questions out of their ass that you have to doubt their sanity. For example...
A while ago, I was meeting with a prospective client. This happens all the time, and I'm not really bothered by it. I enjoy meeting new people and have pretty good schmoozing skills. But this time, the potential client brought his "spiritual advisor" with him. Well, I don't know if that's what he was actually called, but he had no business input whatsoever, so I assumed that he was some kind of spiritual or ethical advisor. This didn't bother me much either, as I have dealt with a wide variety of people from all kinds of different backgrounds, beliefs, and walks of life. The more the merrier.
Except this time was different...
Prospective Client: So how would you approach a reworking of our image?
Dave: Well, from the brief overview I've had of your company, there are many positive strengths we could draw on to better position you in the market. In particular, the quality of your products is very high compared to your competition, yet your current marketing strategy doesn't seem to leverage this as a reason to purchase your merchandise. Your price point is higher, which can sometimes imply quality, but you should definitely be more overt in stating it to your consumer base.
Prospective Client: I see. Yes. I agree totally that this is something we need to do.
Spiritual Advisor: Tell me Dave, have you ever killed anybody?
Seriously, WTF? How do you answer this question? Do you play it for humor and say "well, not today" or get all serious and say "absolutely not!" As I sat there in stunned silence, a million things were running through my head...
"Is this guy serious?"
"What kind of question is that?"
"Is this one of those questions where they don't expect an answer, but want to see how I react to it?"
"Hey... HAVE I ever killed anybody? I don't think so."
"Wow... you don't think that they are wanting to hire me to kill somebody... do you?"
"Oh crap! The longer I wait to answer, the less credible I am going to be when I say no!"
"HOLY SHIT... THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO THINK I AM A HOMICIDAL MANIAC!!"
In the end, I realized that I simply had to say something...
Dave: Uhhhh... no?
Which sounded incredibly stupid, but it was all I had. The Spiritual Advisor just said "hmmm..." and shook his head in agreement. Then, as the meeting continued, he would randomly insert other bizarre questions like "If you had to choose between wanting something tangible or wishing for something idealized, which would you choose?" and "Do you feel that we as a society are ready for where technology is taking us?" And each time I answered he would simply nod his head and we would move on to actual business again.
I didn't get the job.
I can only guess that it was due to my ethical failings (or whatever the Spiritual Advisor was judging me on), because my concepts were killer, and the person they chose instead of me did incredibly shitty work for them.
And this morning I found out that the company went out of business.
Despite the fact that I didn't get any work from them, I am still sad when I hear of somebody's business failing. That was somebody's hopes and dreams... somebody's hard work and ambition... somebody's life. I take no joy in it at all.
But deep down I know I could have made a difference. Maybe they still would have gone under... maybe there were problems so deep that nothing I could have done would have helped... but I certainly would have given them a better shot as success than what they went with. Of that much, I am certain.
But now I am left with the question of whether I respect them MORE because they stuck to their guns and hired somebody who was more compatible with their beliefs and philosophies... or respect them LESS because they were so thoughtless as to hire somebody who "fit" but did a crappy job.
I don't know.
But I'm still relatively sure I haven't ever killed anybody.
A personal message to Pat Robertson.
Shut up.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
SHUT UP! SHUT UUUUUUP! SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
Please. Seriously. Shut the f#@% up.
Or die.
Yes, just die. Dying would be good on you.
How in the heck did such a total ass-biting tool ever... EVER... develop such a large following? I mean, was there a point in the past where he was actually sane, and his followers have just decided to stick it out through his declining crazy years? Or has he always be a nut-job? How can anybody who consistently preaches such a freaky, hateful, racist, warped version of scripture have such appeal?
Personally, I don't really care about Robertson or his wacky cult of followers. If he was just spouting his crap from the pulpit of a rural church somewhere, it wouldn't bother me a bit. But he has his own television network, and is a prominent religious leader (or whatever), so the stupid shit he says gets put out in the world.
And then the world thinks that Americans are even more nuts than we actually are.
We sure don't need any more of THAT going on just now.
So please Pat.
Pat.
Pat, please... shut up and die already.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Dollar
BLOGDATE: April 15, 2005
In which Dave ponders the ever-declining value of the US Dollar, and tries to graph out how our currency is inexplicably and inversely linked to the price of toilet paper.
Click here to go back in time...
I swear, I do not make this stuff up.
Yesterday morning as I was walking out the door to work, I got a wrong number phone call from some older guy. I seem to be a magnet for these kinds of things.
Fortunately, this time I resisted the urge to be a smart-ass, because something tells me the repercussions could have been particularly strange...
Dave: Hello?
Caller: Yeah, I was the guy that gave you $20 last night.
Dave: Uhhh... no you didn't.
Caller: Yes, I gave you $20.
Dave: I think you have the wrong number, because I didn't get $20 from anybody last night.
Caller: Well this is the number he gave me!
Dave: Then he must have given you the wrong number, because I don't have your $20!
Caller: But...
Dave: Sorry, goodbye!
Naturally, my mind is abuzz with wonder over why somebody would give a stranger $20 in exchange for his phone number. And since he thinks that stranger is me, I've got these disturbing images running through my head.
Most of them involving me being naked or dressed naughty...
Please. Make it stop.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Mr. Bread
BLOGDATE: February 8, 2004
In which Dave explains the photos of himself that preface each entry, and wins a coffee mug for drunken bread carving.
Click here to go back in time...
Despite desperately needing to go into work today, I decided to stay at home and clean up the six months of neglect that has been accumulating.
It's pretty terrible. I've already managed to haul out five giant bags of garbage, and will undoubtedly haul out another five before the day is over. I have no idea how I manage to accumulate so much crap, but it's everywhere. Piled in the closet, stacked in corners, covering my desk... and all the stuff that I don't throw away has to be organized somehow.
Out of all of it, it's the photographs that bother me the most. Everything before 2001 is a hopeless mess, scattered around in dozens of boxes. Even if I took the time to organize and label my photos, it's still inconvenient to access them. Unlike everything from 2001 onwards, which was shot digitally, and is neatly indexed in iPhoto...
So now I'm faced with either having to buy a high-quality scanner and manually converting everything to digital... or paying a company to do it for me. The cost is about equal. But if I buy a scanner then I've got to do all the work myself, and that takes a lot of time I don't have. Oh well... it's not like I'd have a lot of use for the scanner afterwards anyway.
Wow. Some of these photos are kind of embarrassing. If I send them off to be scanned, I wonder what the chances are that they'll end up on the internet somewhere?
I love getting mail.
Which is one of those paradoxical things in life for me, because I loathe going to the post office to actually pick it up.
Fortunately, I have a billing service that collects my monthly bills and allows me to pay them online, or else I'd be in never-ending peril from bill collectors wanting to break my legs. But everything else... magazines, exciting offers from select retailers, free samples, cards, letters, and all the rest... it just collects in a bin until I get off my lazy ass and do something with it.
Faced with a huge pile of mail, I finally decided to go through everything on Sunday.
Turns out I got a lot of nice cards from Blogography readers for the holidays, so I first want to thank everybody for that. And, while I'm at it, thanks for the well-wishing emails, e-cards and stuff everybody sent as well. I appreciate it all, and cannot help but be touched that so many people spent their valuable time thinking of me.
Which, of course, makes me feel like a total bastard for not reciprocating... but that's my problem, not yours.
But hey, I make a special Blogography delivery every day just for YOU (yes, you!) so it's not like I don't care or anything...
Speaking of mail... let's catch up with a few emails I've gotten lately, shall we?
Council: Probably my favorite email in the past several weeks was from a woman who was absolutely outraged after having read my entry on Seattle's new insanely stupid strip club laws. She found it reprehensible that I could possibly be so crass as to tell elected public officials to kiss my ass... IN A PUBLIC BLOG THAT ANYBODY... INCLUDING (gasp) CHILDREN... CAN READ! The word "disrespectful" kept popping up again and again, and she wondered how I felt about inflicting such horrible, uncivil values on my readers. My response, of course, was that she could kiss my ass too.
Pivot: Speaking of ass-kissing... another email came from somebody wanting to collect "Pivot Questionnaires" published on the web. After Googling, they found mine, and wanted to know if they could add it. For anybody not familiar with The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire, it's the final questions that James Lipton asks when he interviews guests on his show Inside the Actors Studio. The show is fantastic (if you can get over what a total kiss-ass Lipton is... he just doesn't kiss ass... he FRENCH kisses ass!), and so I was happy to contribute. The Bravo website has a cool "Personality Profile Game" where you can see which actor you most closely relate to personality-wise (for me, it's Benicio Del Toro).
Suggested: One email was a bit surprising in that it was just a big list of suggestions of things that the guy wanted me to write about here. Oddly enough, I had already written about most of them, which now has me worried that there's nothing left to talk about, and I should just close down my blog.
Prayer: After telling Pat Roberston to "shut up and die" I got a rather nice email from somebody telling me that this wasn't a very "Christian" thing to say, even if I disagree with the guy. My reply didn't bother telling him that I'm not a Christian in the first place... but I did write back and ask if he had written to Pat and told HIM that it wasn't a very "Christian" thing to ask God to make people dead (which Robertson has done on more than one occasion). This, apparently, was not the response the guy was looking for, and I got a nice long lecture on everything from school prayer to internet porn (sadly, no links were provided).
Privacy: Last, but certainly not least, was an email I received last month which asked a series of highly-personal questions which I would be hard-pressed to talk about to even close friends... let alone a complete stranger. The sad thing was that this person had put a lot of thought into what they were asking, and I felt bad having to tell them that I wasn't comfortable discussing those areas of my life. Over the past couple of weeks, the whole situation has been really bothering me, and I cannot figure out why. Surely it's not wrong to want to keep some areas of my life private... is it? Why would anybody want to know such things in the first place? Does EVERYBODY wonder about this stuff? Hmmm... every once in a while I get the sense of just how weird it is to have a blog.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Kiwi
BLOGDATE: October 20, 2004
In which Dave ponders the eternal mystery of Kiwi (and Photoshops a cool picture of it).
Click here to go back in time...
For those of you not lucky enough to be at MacWorld for Steve Jobs' keynote presentation... no worries, Blogography has you covered! I'll be regularly updating this page as events unfold.
Hmmm... I guess this means the keynote is over.
I must say, this was one of the most exciting SteveNotes ever, and I can't wait to get me an iToast!
Thanks for tuning in to Blogography's MacWorld SteveNote coverage! See you next year.
TWILIGHT ZONE UPDATE! I am just now watching the MacWorld streaming keynote, and have gotten to the part where his Steveness is making his own podcast in Garage Band. And what does he add to the video portion? An iPod toaster! I just know that Apple Legal is going to be sending me a cease and desist any minute now...
I confess that I am a geeky nerd.
But you probably already knew that.
My geeky nerdiness is multifaceted in that I am part sci-fi dweeb (thanks to Star Trek) and part comic book dork (thanks to Batman). And, in-between all of that, is a love of Japanimation, Macintosh, Curious George, video games, and blogging. All I need is an inflatable plastic girlfriend, and I think I'm set...
But no matter how much of a geeky nerd I am, there's always somebody who's a step ahead of me.
Like Bill Gates, for instance.
Bill is the ultimate geeky nerd, and the fact that he has billions of dollars makes him a geeky nerd to be reckoned with (not to mention exceedingly generous, since he's giving away huge amounts of money to charitable causes). Here's a dweeb who has amassed a fortune of such huge proportions that there is literally nothing he can't do...
...except get a handle on cool new trends.
He was late to graphical interfaces. He was late to the internet. He was late to video... He's always one step behind what all the cool kids are doing, and the list goes on and on. If it doesn't involve Windows or MS Office, he's out of the loop.
As a current example, here's an excerpt from an interview he gave over at Engadget regarding the new Microsoft/MTV online music store called (=snicker=) URGE:
Bill Gates: "With music, having MTV as a partner is a great thing. We think they can get the word out, do some neat things. We're also doing a lot in Messenger to make it so you can share playlists, so you can listen to different things. The next version of Messenger has music as one of the big breakthrough scenarios."
Yeah. Right. Except partnering with MTV for music expertise is laughable and so very, very lame.
You can't even FIND music on MTV anymore. In checking their schedule just now, I see a show called Next, followed by three episodes of Real World/Road Rules Challenge, followed by There & Back, followed by My Own, followed by another episode of Next, followed by Room Raiders, followed by Punk'd, and topped off by SIX episodes of Viva La Bam.These are all reality-based television shows.
WHERE IS THE F#@%ING MUSIC?!?
Teaming up with MTV for music is like teaming up with McDonalds for tacos, and I just don't get it. Sure if this were 1984, partnering with MTV would be totally sweet. But in 2006 it's just sad. Once again, Bill is behind the curve. Apple is flying high with iTunes, so now Microsoft has to do yet another "me too" by making their own music store (apparently MSN Music didn't work out?)... except they team up with a has-been and give it a lamer name like "URGE" (which could only be more lame if they called it "EXTREME URGE" or some crap like that).
When is Microsoft going to stop being the bloated whore of the tech industry so they can be lean, hungry, and bleeding edge? When is Bill Gates going to understand that these sloppy-seconds "partnerships" are just not relevant when we're talking about a ship that's already sailed. I'm tired of Bill being late to the dock, then renting a little rowboat thinking that he'll be able to catch up... all the while screaming to the media about how Microsoft is doing all this cool shit that, in reality, is only cool to him.
Total crap like "URGE" is a waste of money and makes us geeky nerds look bad. Even worse, it stifles REAL innovation by distracting attention from things that actually ARE bleeding edge and cool.
BILL... YOU HAVE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS!! MICROSOFT IS ONE OF THE WEALTHIEST COMPANIES ON EARTH!! You don't NEED venture capital to finance something new... YOU'VE GOT MONEY COMING OUT YOUR ASS! STOP DICKING AROUND AND GET TO WORK!!
Build a flying car. Come up with wireless electrical power. Figure out a way to keep Golden Grahams from going soggy in milk... I don't really care... just do something NEW with your money for a change. Reclaim the geeky nerd you used to be and stop trying to play catch-up with the crap we've already got (seriously, "URGE"? WTF?!?). If you can't make it BETTER, it's just a waste of everybody's time.
In conclusion... wouldn't it be cool if McDonalds really did sell tacos?
McTaco they could call it!
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: DaveXP
BLOGDATE: March 6, 2005
In which Dave finally figures out a way of fixing all the bugs in Windows XP.
Click here to go back in time...
Society will eventually turn me into a psychotic killer.
Though, in the event that the District Attorney should ever question you about my mental state, I'd appreciate it greatly if you would keep that to yourself. If I ever DO go on trial for murder, I think that I should like to go free so I could kill again.
Because I hear that once you've tried killing, you really get a taste for it.
And speaking of taste, do parents teach their kids eating manners anymore? Little things like...
Anybody? Because it seems that everywhere I go, there's at least one person with positively appalling manners. I am getting really grossed out at having to listen to people smack away at their food while watching them chew with their mouths wide open, or having them spit food at me while they're talking...
Last week a work contact called me on the phone and I had to listen to her chomping away in my ear because she was too stupid to understand that it's RUDE to eat lunch while talking on the phone.
It made me want to kill her.
Then yesterday I went to a bagel shop that's not really a bagel shop because the gummy crap they serve tastes nothing like a real bagel (so few "bagels" outside of New York City actually do), and had to wait for my take-out order next to somebody who was totally incapable of chewing with their mouth closed.
He deserved to die quite badly.
And it's all because manners are getting to be a thing of the past. I guess people don't know any better, and probably wouldn't care if they did. Rude eaters should warn you of their bad behavior before inviting you to lunch... or, at the very least, ask permission first. I'm all for permission-based behavior...
I don't want to become a killer... honestly I don't. But can I really be blamed if society makes me a murdering psycho? Then it wouldn't be my fault, right... you'd forgive me?
Anyway...
Wanna do lunch sometime?
The coolest thing about having a blog is the lovely death threats you get just for stating your opinion.
Well, in this case, it's not actually a "threat" per se... it's more like harsh tongue lashing without the benefits such an activity might normally involve.
And I owe it all to Tony Danza.
Not Tony Danza personally, but a Tony Danza fanatic who decided to write to me after reading my comments on his talk show. I would never have guessed that Tony was capable of having such a rabid fan base, so naturally I have come to the conclusion that Tony Danza has some kind of demonic mind-control powers. And now his evil minions are hunting down anybody who would dare speak out against their diabolical overlord.
So now I wonder... mild-mannered talk show host, or hellspawn sent to destroy us all?
Apparently the wrath I've incurred is due to The Tony Danza Show being pulled from some key markets like New York and Philadelphia. According to the email I got, horrible people like me "have poisoned people against Tony and created a negative energy to destroy a wonderful show that brings happiness to millions of people". She drives her point home by closing her email with "God bless Tony Danza and I hope you die!".
= Sob! =
Did you see that? She wants me dead! Between this wack-job and Pat Robertson, I don't think any of us are safe. If no new Blogography entries are forthcoming and I should mysteriously disappear... now you'll know why. Tony Danza finally got me.
What a way to go.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Dave Approved: Crest
BLOGDATE: August 28, 2004
In which Dave discovers the toothpasty goodness of Crest Whitening Expressions and comes up with a great idea for breakfast.
Click here to go back in time...
Despite the fact that I live in an apartment complex filled with mostly elderly deaf people, there is one thing that will still get their attention.
Car alarms.
Nothing pisses off old people quite like a car alarm going off. It's only happened to me once here, but that one time was enough to have the neighbors talking for weeks after. "WAS THAT YOUR CAR ALARM I HEARD GOING OFF YESTERDAY?" they scream as I walk by. "IS YOUR ALARM BROKEN? HA HA HA!" they yell. It's as if their lack of hearing completely dissipates while the alarm is sounding, then they go back to being deaf the instant it stops. So when I heard a car alarm going off this morning, I was understandably in a panic.
I went tearing down the stairs with my key-fob in hand, madly pressing the alarm shut-off as I went.
Only to find out that it wasn't my car, and all I did was manage to turn on my alarm as well.
And just as I turned my alarm off, I realize that I am wearing nothing more than a pair of boxer shorts, a T-shirt, and slippers.
The good news is that the coalition of decrepit neighbors who showed up completely forgot about the car alarm fiasco... "GOT CAUGHT WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN DID YA? HA HA HA!
Yeah, this is going to be an interesting week.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Suffrage
BLOGDATE: February 15, 2005
In which Dave analyzes the past, present, and future of male/female relations... using a comic book. Bring on the super-bitches!
Click here to go back in time...
It's 8:30 and yet I have no desire to get out of bed.
I don't know why. I'm not tired... I'm not sick... I'm not feeling particularly lazy... I just don't feel like getting up. I'd just rather sit here reading blog feeds and catching up with what's going on in the world. I blame wireless networking for my Sunday malaise. If it weren't for wireless, I would have to get up. So here I am, psyching myself up to climb out of bed, when my friend Meagan calls...
Meagan: Your cartoon is freaking me out!
Dave: Huh?
Meagan: The mini-you chewing with your mouth open.
Dave: Yes?
Meagan: It's hypnotic. I can't stop staring at it.
Dave: Excellent.
Meagan: Don't do that anymore.
And so now I am thinking that hypnotic cartoons are the key to my ultimate world domination...
Come to Me. Need Me. Obey Me. Follow me. Love Me.
Now all I need to do is write a virus to infect all the computers in the world with my DaveToon, and I'm one step closer to global sovereignty. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! KNEEL BEFORE DAVE!! Bwah ha ha ha haaaaaah!
Ahem.
Yes... well...
Anyway. I'm still in bed, so I might as well check my email.
Sweet! My undying gratitude to Neil for pointing me to an interview with the ever-delicious Elizabeth Hurley in The Observer. It's all riveting, of course, but the big news is that she is the host of Sky One's Project Catwalk (the UK version of our own Project Runway, which is hosted by Heidi Klum). This is a show where up-and-coming fashion designers compete in a reality television type show. It's somewhat entertaining, but having Elizabeth Hurley hosting has suddenly made it must-see television for me...
So now I sit huddled over my PowerBook, desperately waiting for the Project Catwalk torrent to finish downloading in a mere three hour and thirty-five minutes! Oh well. Better late than never. I can only hope that BBC America picks up the show (which may confuse any Brits reading this, because Sky One and the BBC are separate over there, but here in the US "BBC America" is a catch-all for any UK shows). And, if you ARE in the UK, you can tune into fresh episodes of Project Catwalk Thursdays at 8:00pm.
Mmmmm... new Elizabeth Hurley goodness.
Okay, NOW I am ready to get out of bed.
Maybe.
After watching Project Catwalk six times... I can honestly say that it is the best show to ever appear on television.
Well done Sky One. Well done.
Granted, I only watched the parts which had Elizabeth Hurley in them and fast-forwarded through the rest... but that's all you really need to see anyway.
It was after my fifth time of running a frame-by-frame analysis that I managed to narrow down the 1,216 stills of Liz perfection down to the top ten seen below (just ignore the freaky-ass bitch standing next to her in photo #3)...
Sweet!
And the best part? EIGHT EPISODES LEFT TO GO!
Oh, and before I forget, there is a small difference in Project Catwalk from the American Project Runway version. It turns out that even if Elizabeth Hurley wasn't hosting, the British show would still be superior...
Boobies! What a pity that tight-ass American television censors faint at the sign of breasts. In the one episode I've seen of Project Runway here in the States, they felt the need to pixelate the naughty bits which is just... wrong.
Sigh. Elizabeth Hurley should host all the shows on television.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Meme
BLOGDATE: June 22, 2004
In which Dave answers a bunch of questions and figures out the perfect way to iron his shirts.
Click here to go back in time...
I've officially become the worst possible kind of blogger.
I'm now one of "those guys" whose blog has started to intrude into Real Life.
This morning a guy I work with emailed me about what a pain in the ass it was to get his father signed up for the new Medicare Drug insurance plan. Without even thinking, I replied back and said "yeah, I had a tough time helping my grandmother get that figured out" and then pasted a link to a Blogography entry where I had written about it.
Five minutes later I'm sucked into an Instant Message chat...
Chet: You have a blog? That is so gay!!
Dave: Yes. You are right. Blogs are totally gay.
Dave: Which makes it easier for me to tell you something...
Chet: NO SHIT?!?
Dave: Yeah. I've been living with this secret for a while now...
Chet: YOU'RE GAY?!?
Dave: Yes, well, no... uhhh... kinda. According to this online quiz I took, I'm 20% gay, which I guess means that I'm only 80% not-gay.
Chet: What test? Where?
Dave: Here: http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/G/gayometer/gayometer.html
15 minutes later...
Chet: Shit! I'm gayer than you!!!!!
Dave: So when can I expect to see YOUR blog online?
All of this is kind of strange to me, because I work so hard to keep my Real Life separate from my blog. I mean, sure... a lot of real-life people I know read it... but there's no overlap. I don't initiate a conversation around something I've written, and I absolutely don't point people to my blog as an alternative to talking with them about something.
At least I didn't until now.
I suppose my next step is to hang a flat-screen monitor around my neck, put a wireless antennae on my head, and just point people to Blogography entries instead of actually having to talk to them. Then I could wander around with a look of total disinterest all day, ignoring anybody I should run into...
I mean, hey, I'm coming up on my three-year blogiversary in a few months... I've pretty much said it all, haven't I? What else is left to say?
And speaking of blogging milestones - it would appear that I'm rapidly approaching my 5000th comment! I wonder if I should have a prize for whoever leaves comment #5000? Just my luck it would be some lame comment like "YOU SUCK, ASSHOLE!" and I'd have to reward that kind of troll behavior with a prize.
Or do I?
I mean, in the past, I've approved ANY comment, no matter how lame. So unless somebody was selling something or shilling for their site, I've just let it go through. But why should I? I mean, I don't care if somebody wants to call me an asshole (I'm getting used to it), but I think they should at least have to tell me WHY they think that before I publish their crap.
I dunno. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think this is unreasonable. I wonder what other bloggers do about abusive comments by random 10-year-olds and comment trolls?
Sweet! I've just put a disclaimer on my comments form telling them not to bother.
Hmmm... I guess I really AM an asshole.
Why am I not surprised.
I had to work every waking minute today. No blog for you!
Well, okay... maybe a little blog for you since Veronica Mars is yet another rerun tonight.
Time for Dave's Entertainment Minute...
Scrubbed! Holy crap! Scrubs used to be one of the most brilliant shows on television. A show you could count on for smart comedy tempered with poignant moments of human drama. But then the new season happened, and all of a sudden it sucks ass... hard. Gone are the wonderful story threads that weave together beautifully every episode. Instead it's just a patchwork mess of sloppy gags that aren't even funny. The back-to-back episodes I just watched off the TiVo were a complete embarrassment to this once-great show. Please, just cancel it now while people still have good Scrubs memories.
Carter! Little Aaron Carter has just released Come Get It: The Very Best of Aaron Carter, which is a greatest hits collection for an artist who has no actual hits. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care. But I ran across the user comments on the iTunes Music Store and laughed my ass off. Over 300 reviews that include such gems as "If crap had a soundtrack, it would be this" and "A disgrace to music. William Hung is 10 times better than Aaron" and "There is no God" and "The Geneva Convention considers it a war crime to listen to this album". I wish I had the guts to actually buy it.
Oh! By some miracle, the self-congratulating Golden Globes wank-fest actually gave out an award that was deserved... the brutally hot Sandra Oh won Best Supporting Actress for her work on Grey's Anatomy. Sweet.
Super! The more information that gets released from the upcoming Superman Returns motion picture, the more anxious I am to see it. While I love the original Superman and Superman II films, the idea of seeing a Superman treatment with modern special effects is just too good. And now I have to wonder... they've finally got momentum going with DC Comics two most notable franchises... Superman and Batman. Who do I have to blow in order to make every comic book lover's dream come true: a Superman & Batman movie? And once Joss Whedon gets his Wonder Woman flick off the ground, how cool would a Superman & Wonder Woman movie be?
Underwhelm! The original Underworld movie was laughably bad. But what's even worse is that I will be lining up at the theater to see the sequel: Underworld Evolution for the sole purpose of seeing Kate Beckinsale run around in tight latex blowing shit up. High entertainment value with no actual entertainment... it's a conundrum of movie physics that compels me.
Not! Ouch. After airing only a single episode, Heather Graham's new sitcom Emily's Reasons Why Not has been canned, and all production has stopped. Given the millions of dollars that ABC pumped into advertising the show, I am experiencing a moment of perverse pleasure. This is the crappy network who cancelled the greatest show ever to air on television (Jeremy Piven's Cupid) after doing everything they could to sabotage it. Suck it ABC dumbasses! You so totally deserve it.
Back to work I go.
We are living in a digital world and I am a digital boy.
Oh crap. Now I'm going to have Madonna running through my head all day.
Anyway, the truth of the matter is that I am a digital boy. I love living in a digital world where I can take my entire music collection with me on my PowerBook. I love being able to take a photo on my digital camera and then digitally send it to my digital photo software and digitally do whatever the heck I want to digitally do to it.
But that's not really a digital world at all, is it? I want an actual digital world to live in... like The Matrix or something...
Flying around, blowing shit up, kicking asses with kung-fu... how friggin' sweet would that be? Plug me in!
In the meanwhile, I just have to be content with what's available now.
But when it comes to photographs, this kind of sucks because everything I have before 2001 is on film. Boxes and boxes and boxes of film. Transferring my CDs into iTunes was a pain in the ass, but I managed it. Transferring my film into iPhoto is another matter entirely. It would take days of sitting in front of my computer with an expensive scanner, and I just don't have that kind of time.
Enter a company called "DigMyPics" who will handle the drudgery of scanning your film for you.
For a price.
A pretty big price. I sent in a test batch of 920 photos to be scanned and ended up paying a cool $600 for the privilege. Was it worth it? Well, for those of you who are interested in this stuff, I've put the answer in an extended entry.
For those of you who are not interested, come back tomorrow when Bad Monkey will be making an appearance. Because everybody just loves a monkey.
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Sigh. Nothing like a dead laptop battery to ruin your day. I wrote this entry at 5:30am with the intention of posting it on my lunch hour. But then my battery ended up being totally dead, so I had to wait until I got home to the sweet embrace of my power adapter at 10:30pm.
And that's a real shame, because now I'm going to feel the need to proofread it. So an entry that took me 15 minutes to write and draw this morning will now be picked apart for two hours. It seems that once I start proofreading I have no idea how to stop myself. Worst of all, the proofreading isn't going to do anything to fix my crappy writing skills. If anything, I'll probably make things worse.
You've been warned.
Anyway...
It seems that Hollywood is just going apeshit over monkeys.
Everywhere you turn, there's monkeys. Monkeys in movies. Monkeys on television. Monkeys in advertisements. Monkeys everywhere. It's a monkey renaissance.
And that's cool because it means that Bad Monkey can get work in porn remakes! You know how they take a movie like Free Willy and remake it as a porn flick called Free THE Willy... or Under the Tuscan Sun becomes a porno called Under the Tuscan BUNS or something like that. It's all good harmless X-rated fun! Like this...
Here we take King Kong, add Bad Monkey, and the porno remake could become...
An instant classic! Here's another...
We remake the upcoming Curious George animated film, add Bad Monkey, and it could become...
And I'm sure that something porn-tastic could be made from Grandma's Boy which has a monkey in a starring role, or even the new CBS show Love Monkey which doesn't have any monkeys, but probably should because it's totally confusing otherwise...
See? The possibilities are endless! Sadly, some of the best monkey porn titles are already taken by regular movies. Iron Monkey? Ha ha ha. Monkeybone? BWAH HA HA HAAAAAH!
So bring on the primates.
Bad Monkey could use the cash, and I'd be happy to have him throwing his feces on somebody else's walls for a change.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Banana
BLOGDATE: May 11, 2005
In which Dave learns how to peel a banana from a monkey while avoiding Thai hookers.
Click here to go back in time...
You just figured out Blue's Clues! You just figured out Blue's Clues! You just figured out Blue's Clues because you're really smart!
I don't think it will come as much of a shock to admit that I was a huge fan of the Nickelodeon Kids television show called Blue's Clues. Back in my pre-TiVo days, I'd set the VCR to record the show so I could have something to watch after work. A simple show that I could just sit and decompress with. There was something about the oddly-rendered, superficial world of Blue's Clues that I found calming.
For those of you who have never heard of it, Blue's Clues was about a guy named Steve and his pet dog Blue. Each episode, Blue would wander around leaving paw-prints on three different items in order to give Steve "clues" as to what she was wanting. With each new find, Steve would draw a picture of the clue in his "handy dandy notebook" and then go sit in his big red "thinking chair" to try to solve the mystery. For example, Steve might find clues of an alarm clock, a blanket, and a bed... then come to the fabulous conclusion that Blue wanted to take a nap.
It was good clean fun, and along the way Steve would play games, dance, sing songs, and do other educational activities like read a book with Julia Louis Dreyfus...
The show was awesome, and I so totally wanted to be Steve when I grew up because he was always having such cool adventures...
Well, I guess "grow up" is a kind of relative term, because I started watching when I was 30... but still. I wanted to be Steve.
Anyway, eventually Steve left the show and was replaced by this guy "Joe" who wasn't nearly as cool. Since Joe totally blew chunks, I stopped watching and went back to reruns of Teletubbies for my entertainment. The last I heard was that the reason Steve left the show was because he had a heroin problem and eventually died of an overdose.
I was kind of sad about that.
So imagine my surprise when I was goofing around the internet this morning and ran across a web site called "Steve Burns Rocks" which showed me that not only had Steve not died, but he eventually went all gold-tooth "cronk" and became an indie musician...
WTF?!?
Did Steve fake his death so he could escape being linked to a children's television show and instead be reborn as a "serious musician"?? I just didn't know. So I did what I always do in these cases... I wander over to Snopes to find out if they've got anything on the rumor. And they did.
So Steve was never dead, though the heroin addiction would certainly explain the gold tooth.
Personally I think the new and lame Blue's Clues host "Joe" is behind the rumors. The bastard.
And now, before I go enjoy a lovely Saturday afternoon at work and see how many emails I got from people outraged by my "Bi-Curious George" cartoon yesterday... one last question...
HOW MANY F#@%ING TIMES DO WE HAVE TO F#@%ING KILL THE F#@%ING "BROADCAST FLAG" SHIT BEFORE IT WILL STAY F#@%ING DEAD AND DUMBASS POLITICIANS WILL STOP TRYING TO F#@% US OVER WITH THIS F#@%ING BULLSHIT?!?
This is an abhorrent piece of legislation that has already been killed a half-dozen times, but now I am reading over at Boing Boing that it has once again been drug to the floor by the mentally-challenged Oregon Senator Gordon Smith, who is hereby invited to lick my balls.
Seriously lick my balls.
Once this draconian shit gets started, it will never stop. Never mind that you PAY for your television cable or satellite hook-up... that you PAY for the music and shows you enjoy... politicians want to be sure that you only enjoy them when and how THEY want you to. Flying an anti-piracy flag here is ludicrous, because there will ALWAYS be a way to pirate the crap... legislation only hurts honest consumers... not the pirates they claim to be fighting. And Hollywood should KNOW better. The more you treat honest people like criminals, the more of them will actually become criminals.
If you even remotely care about your right to watch and listen to content YOU pay for in a way that YOU want, read the article on Boing Boing and visit the EFF so you can send an email to your Senator. Then go encourage others to do the same. If you don't, it may only be a matter of time before you have to kiss your TiVo and iPod goodbye (and just forget about any cool new technologies that allow you to enjoy media in a way that's convenient for you).
Once this Bill is killed off (again) can we please just shoot the next dumbass Senator who is corrupt and stupid enough to bring another piece of "Broadcast Flag" legislation to the floor? That would be great.
The lovely and talented Liz over at Everyday Goddess has brought to my attention that today is "Blog for Choice Day". At first I had no intention of airing my thoughts on the subject, as I consider it a private matter, but eventually changed my mind. I'm not quite sure why. No matter which side you take in the abortion debate, you are bound to make enemies... and, believe it or not, I don't blog to make enemies.
But before I get into it, there is one thing I need to make clear:
Personally, I do not believe in abortion. I try to live my life according to Buddhist teachings, and my interpretation of Buddhist precepts is such that abortion is wrong. All arguments as to whether or not life begins at conception are totally irrelevant to me, because conception creates a life. So, unless the pregnancy will endanger the life of the mother, thus putting two lives at risk... there is no gray area for me. I do not condone abortion, and don't feel it should be used as a method of birth control, which our society seems far too comfortable with.
However...
I am a guy and will never have to be faced with whether or not I should get an abortion, so I am pro-choice.
I don't have to worry about becoming pregnant because somebody raped me, so I am pro-choice.
I realize that this is America, where everybody is free to believe as they wish, and my moral and ethical beliefs are not the moral and ethical beliefs of everybody else, so I am pro-choice.
I am not so arrogant as to force my interpretation of life on other free-willed individuals, so I am pro-choice.
I do not subscribe to the legal definition of murder as applying to abortion, so I am pro-choice.
I believe that once you start regulating any one choice, that it will only lead to other choices being regulated, so I am pro-choice.
I feel that anything so highly personal as an abortion has no business being decided by government, so I am pro-choice.
Shit happens, so I am pro-choice.
So there. I said it. I am pro-choice.
Not because I think abortion is a good thing... but because it's not my place to force others to believe as I do in a country where people are supposed to be able to decide for themselves what to believe in.
And that is why you won't find me telling a woman who is on her sixth abortion to "find a better method of birth control you ignorant slut"... because it's just not my place to judge.
In the end, it's not always easy to set aside one's personal beliefs when it comes to something like abortion. But if you are making decisions as to what other people are allowed to believe for themselves, you kind of have to. Lawmakers would do well to remember that.
I don't often look at my web stats because I just don't care how many people are reading my blog. But not so long ago I got an invitation to set up an account with "Google Analytics" for free, so I thought that I would give it a try. The preview showed that you get all kinds of pretty graphs and interesting numbers to look at, so why not?
Well, this morning I finally remembered to go take a look. Unfortunately, the charts and numbers don't mean a heck of a lot to me. I suppose if I gave a crap about this stuff, it would be totally awesome but, since I don't, it's boring. I'm just not seeing any data I'm actually interested in. For example, I still don't know why the hate-mails I get usually arrive on the weekend. Nope, instead all I get to see are things like where my visitors come from on a big map...
Blogography: Big in Kangerlussuaq, Greenland
So I decided to write my own analytics software. I call it "Blogography Anal". It's a funky piece of engineering that gives you information you can actually use.* Just export your Google Analytics stats, then drop them into the program and press start.
In trying to get to the root of my hate-mail question, I first ran the data through Blogography Anal's "Visitification Index" to see how many people are visiting and whether or not I should be happy about it. The results look like this...
I find it interesting how traffic remains fairly steady throughout the week, but always plummets on the weekends. I guess people have better things to do than surf this sorry-ass blog on their day off? Can't say I blame them. Though I do shudder to think of the number of lost job-hours I am personally responsible for because billions of people are reading Blogography instead of working.
But if visitor counts drop so substantially on weekends, why is this when I get the most nasty emails and rude comments? I decided to rerun the stats, but this time use Blogography Anal's "Assholification Index" to see what happens...
Ah ha! Even though my visitor counts drop significantly on the weekends, it turns out that the number of assholes stopping by shoots to over eleven billion! Last Sunday there were 13.4 billion assholes alone.
And this is a problem. My "happy zone" for asshole visitors is between one and three billion a day. Any less than a billion, and you just aren't trying hard enough. Any more than three billion, and the odds are you'll start getting emails bitching about something you've said that week.
Since this is Sunday, I guess it means there is a 96.4% chance that the person reading this right now is an asshole.
Well, not YOU... I would never think of YOU as an asshole. I just love YOU.
So it begs the question: why in the heck do I bother to write in my blog on the weekends?
If visitor counts drop, and all I am going to get for my trouble is a bunch of assholes hanging around... why do it? I just don't know. Perhaps if I stopped writing on the weekend, I wouldn't feel like starting up again on Monday? Or maybe the people who count on Blogography to brighten up their Monday work-day would be pissed if they didn't have a couple of fresh entries to read before their boss arrives?
I guess there are questions that even Google Analytics and Blogography Anal can't answer.
* Please note that the accuracy of my calculations is plus-or-minus twenty-six billion.**
** Hey, I'm an artist, not a mathematician.***
*** Oh don't give me that look! Writing software is hard... let's see YOUR stats package.
The blogosphere is abuzz with the story of how the government wants Google to hand over search records so they can see how often porn is returned in the search results. Apparently having this information will protect kids from internet porn, which is much like trying to protect orange juice from being the color orange. Of course Google is going to sometimes return porn in search results because 90% of the internet IS PORN! Oh well, it's not like we've got health care and unemployment problems to worry about. Watching people's kids so parents don't have to bother is so much more important.
But after the government gets a look at the porn we're searching for... what's next?
I worry that Homeland Security will start wanting Google search records next. Not because I have anything to hide, but because search records are not always what they seem.
For example. I LOATHE Jared Fogle the Subway Sandwich whore.
Every time I hear how Jared "inspires people to eat better and lose weight with Subway Sandwiches" I want him dead. Because all he really does is inspire sales of Subway Sandwiches from people too stupid to understand what a fraud he is. Do you know why he chose Subway when he decided to try and lose weight? Because it was next door to his apartment. It was convenient. It's not like he went out and did a bunch of restaurant research for his diet. He was a lazy turd that ate at Subway because it was closest to where he lived.
He could have had salads at McDonalds and lost weight. He could have had sandwiches at Quiznos and lost weight. He could have eaten ANYWHERE and lost weight if he made healthier menu choices. There is nothing magical about Subways... it was because he decided to stop eating mass quantities of high-fat foods that he lost the weight. I could go into Subway twice a day and order up a sandwich loaded with extra cheese and a bunch of sauces and mayonnaise and GAIN weight. But you won't see a commercial for that. Does it really take Jared the Subway whore to tell people that eating a veggie sandwich with no cheese instead of three Big Macs will make you lose weight? Well, DUH! It's just common sense! When are people going to realize that Jared is not this altruistic prophet here to help you... HE'S JUST A WHORE SELLING SANDWICHES FOR MONEY! It's his JOB.
So that's why when I see commercials with Jared comparing a veggie sandwich with no cheese to a Big Mac, and telling people that they should eat at Subways because it's so much healthier... I want him dead. Why not compare a veggie sandwich to an Arby's SALAD you stupid f#@%?
And because I loathe Jared so badly, much of my free time is spent fantasizing of ways the whore can die. Sometimes it's pretty basic... I just walk up to the dumbass with a gun and shoot him or something...
Jared says: "I am such a whore that even I hate me!"
But on days where he is really pissing me off (like he comes out with a new idiotic Subways commercial), just shooting him isn't good enough. I want something much more elaborate and painful.
And that takes a lot of Google research.
Because it's not like I know how much battery acid it takes to melt somebody's head... I have to Google it. And when I need to know if it's possible to drown somebody in low-fat mustard... I have to Google it. If I am curious as to how many volts it takes to electrocute somebody through their testicles... I have to Google it. All this stuff has to be researched.
And what happens if Homeland Security sees this stuff that I'm Googling, decides that I'm some kind of sadistic terrorist, and then ships me off to have MY testicles electrocuted??
That would be bad.
Not to mention grossly unfair, because getting rid of Jared is more like a public service than an act of terrorism.
Anyway, that's why I think that Google shouldn't have to hand over any records. It can only lead to innocent people like me being shocked in their balls.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to find out if low-fat turkey slices are still flammable once they've been shoved up somebody's ass.
Nothing is happening. Nothing at all. Must be time for that "What are you looking forward to" meme?
Today: I am looking forward to breakfast right now because I'm hungry. I think it will be Peanut Butter Captain Crunch and some toast.
Tomorrow: NEW VERONICA MARS!! Finally.
This week: I read the original short story Brokeback Mountain and found it to be slow, boring, and pointless. I had no intention of seeing a slow, boring, pointless film based on it, but everybody and they're dog is telling me that I simply must see it, so I am going to do that later this week. I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Next week: After watching James Lipton kiss Elton John's ass for two hours straight on Inside The Actors Studio, I was a bit shocked to see that next week's guest is Dave Chappelle. The interesting bit is that Lipton somehow mustered the balls to ask Dave about his freak-out retreat to Africa in the middle of filming the third season of Chappelle's Show. I will definitely be looking forward to that.
This month: The months almost over, so I guess I am looking forward to the month being over.
Next month: A good friend whom I haven't seen in a very long time will be in town next month. Sadly, she's only around for a few days, but I am absolutely looking forward to seeing her.
This year: Believe it or not, I am looking forward to the release of Windows Vista. I know, I know... I'm a Microsoft-loathing Mac whore, so why would I even care? Because I am tired of having to work with Windows as it currently exists. Windows is a bug-ridden, virus-laden pile of crap that I've found to be faulty and unreliable. And since Vista is supposed to fix so many of the problems I have with the OS, I can only assume that it will be easier for me to deal with. That's a good thing. It would be nice to work on a Windows machine and not have to be screaming the entire time. It would also be nice for Apple to have some renewed competition so they continue to push ahead. So yes, I am looking forward to Vista, which I think is supposed to launch this year.
Next year: Futurama, my favorite animated show of all time, is coming back for a series of four feature-length, direct-to-DVD films. Bender is the most brilliant animated characters ever, and I've missed him terribly. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to that (much more than the news about the possible new Friends movies)...
What? Is that it? I'm done? Okay then, I'm off to breakfast.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Dental
BLOGDATE: March 9, 2004
In which Dave is captured by the enemy and subjected to oral torture.
Click here to go back in time...
A couple of days ago I wrote about the government requesting that Google release their search records. Ever since then, I've been addicted to the stats page which shows the keyword searches people are using to find Blogography. Sure I've looked before, but now I'm seeing them in an entirely different light. What if the people requesting some of these wacky searches were tracked by the government? Scary.
And if these freaky-ass searches are finding my blog, what in the heck does that say about me?
As it turns out, it's not always my fault. When you combine a bunch of unrelated entries into monthly archives, suddenly a word from June 7th combines with a word from June 13th and a word from June 20th to create something truly disturbing. What was once an innocent separation of words on different days has suddenly been Googlized into something naughty.
And while that's true most of the time, it's not true all of the time.
Searches for things like "penis salad" I have no excuse for.
But hey, here's a question... WHO IN THE HECK DOES A GOOGLE SEARCH FOR "PENIS SALAD"?? What could they possibly be hoping to find? I made it up as a joke... are these people serious?!? And it's not like it was only a one time thing... I've been hit by that search 11 times this month. ELEVEN PEOPLE WERE LOOKING FOR "PENIS SALAD"! WTF? Over half of them are from the U.K., so perhaps it's a British slang term that I am unfamiliar with?
Anyway, for the moment at least, Blogography is the #1 hit in both text and images. I did a screen capture to preserve this moment forever...
And there it is. My proudest moment as a blogger. Out of 701,000 results for "penis salad", I'm #1 on Google. How cool is that? I might as well close up shop and move on to other challenges. I've climbed my Everest. There's nowhere else for me to go with Blogography now. It's all downhill from here.
And, on that note, I should mention that I've passed 5000 comments from brilliant readers such as yourself!
On January 23rd at 6:28pm, "Used Hack" hit the magic number, and has won a pair of quality T-shirts of his choice from the Artificial Duck Store PLUS a gift certificate for $20 from either the iTunes Music Store or Amazon.com, whichever he likes best! It's a prize valued at $43.85, so congratulations Hack!
Comments are cool, and this blog wouldn't be half as much fun without them. I should have comment prizes more often.
And lastly, did anybody see Betty White's masterful performance last night on Boston Legal? Betty with a gun kicks ass!
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Bleh
BLOGDATE: February 7, 2004
In which Dave finds Betty White in his mailbox and contemplates life without clean underwear.
Click here to go back in time...
My chapped lips rub roughly against the blanket as I awake with too little sleep yet again. From under the covers my arm reaches out to the night-stand, groping blindly for Chapstick. In darkness the lip balm burns with a kiss of peppermint, but my eyes have yet to open. I lay there clutching the small tube because it's too cold to return it to the night-stand. My mind goes cloudy and I start to drift. It's warm under the blankets and I'm in no hurry to leave them...
RRRRRRRRING! RRRRRRRRING! RRRRRRRRING!
F#@%ing telemarketers.
While the number of calls I get have dropped drastically since the "National No-Call List" was enacted, they have not stopped completely. This time it was a travel club offer or some kind of crap like that. I don't really remember, because I was screaming "PUT ME ON YOUR DO-NOT CALL LIST AND NEVER, EVER CALL ME AGAIN!!" at the top of my lungs.
I spent the rest of my morning wishing that it were possible to shoot a gun into the phone and have an explosion come out the other end, just like in Bugs Bunny cartoons...
Maybe not a gun, that's kind of violent, but you should at least be able to bitch-slap somebody through the phone.
Although if you could shoot into your computer and have it come out and explode all over a spammer, I would definitely do that. The only thing I loathe more than telemarketers is spammers.
In better news, MRK over at Itch & Be Merry has finally figured out why I keep getting Google search referrals for "penis salad" out of the UK. Apparently the phrase was used in some kind of risque sitcom. At least I think it was a sitcom. The video clip MRK found was a bit vague, but I would certainly hope that any use of "penis salad" would be for comedic effect.
Eww... what if it was a reality TV show??
Here is my one word review of Brokeback Mountain from last night...
Borrrrrrrrrrring.
It was boring. Beyond boring. The cowboy love story was not enough of a story, and everything in-between was so mind-numbingly, coma-inducing, kill-me-now, BORING that I found myself counting ceiling tiles. Yes the cinematography was first rate and the scenery was pretty... but that doesn't excuse this long, drawn-out, snore-fest of a film. I remain positively dumbfounded that Brokeback Mountain is getting such critical acclaim. Between Heath Ledger mumbling every word of his incomprehensible dialogue and having to sit through long stretches of NOTHING, I can honestly say that this is one of the worst movies I've ever seen.
I never thought I would find myself looking forward to watching some hot man-on-man action but, since that was the only action to be found, there was nothing else to do. The story tried to show how society was so unforgiving of their love that they had no choice but to enter into straight marriages that neither were happy in. But the result was cliched and felt tacked on... as if stereotypical screaming babies and an unapproving father-in-law were supposed to be some kind of excuse for them to keep having feelings for each other. In the end, the wives who were being cheated on for the sake of forbidden romance were the more sympathetic characters. I always felt that Ennis and Jack's marriages should have been a sad result of something both wanted but weren't brave enough to have... but this didn't come across in the film. At least not to me.
On a more positive note, I'll bet the porn remakes are going to be entertaining...
The thing that surprised me most was not the actual movie, but that there were so many people there to watch it. Despite this being 2006, I live in a somewhat redneck area of Central Washington. To have a fairly good-sized audience of mostly older people at a 4:45 showing is remarkable. I can only hope that this indicates society is becoming more accepting of gay cowboys having sex. It would be nice to live in a world where consenting adults can have love and happiness wherever they are lucky enough to find it, and not have to worry about being judged or killed for it.
Overheard in the parking lot after the movie was over: "I nearly choked on my popcorn when that boy took that other fella from behind like that... heh heh heh, homos!"
Errr, well... maybe there's a ways to go yet, but at least the guy had a mind open enough to go watch a Western where the cowboys had been all homosexualized by the homosexualizations of those homosexualizers in Hollywood. That's a start.
Anyway, the night wasn't a total loss. Thanks to Michelle leaving me a hot tip in a comment, I was able to drop by Safeway and pick up a couple boxes of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch cereal for the bargain price of 2 for $5... score!
I wish I could quit you, Captain Crunch.
Heaven help me, I've been sucked into the bizarre Lynchian world of Twin Peaks. Again.
When the show first debuted back in 1990, I was instantly addicted. Not only was it quirky and entertaining, but it had a stunning cast of actors playing some of the most fully-realized characters ever seen on television. Everybody had a story. Everybody had a secret. Everybody was linked to everybody else. It was a delicious web of lies, deceit, danger, and mystery that was (and still is) unique to television. It was the best soap opera ever.
And lest we forget Laura Palmer all dead and wrapped in plastic...
Last week I was digging through a bunch of papers and found my Twin Peaks Access Guide. It's a travel book for the fictional town of Twin Peaks, Washington. And though the town may be fake, the exterior locations used for the show are very real. Having lived in Washington State most of my life, I've been to many of them.
Anyway, finding the book reminded me of the show, and so I've been watching the first season episodes I have on DVD. I just finished the last one (episode 7), and now I am depressed that season two hasn't been released. It was supposed to happen last year, but we're still waiting.
Good thing for Paramount that my log does not judge...
The story kind of wandered a bit near the end but, taken as a whole, Twin Peaks is still brilliant television. Hopefully I'll be able to finish watching it again one day soon.
"Through the darkness of futures past, the magician longs to see. One chants out between two worlds... fire, walk with me."
I don't really care about football because I'm more of a baseball kind of guy with an occasional basketball infatuation (college ball only, because pro basketball doesn't seem to be about basketball anymore). But even then, it's just entertainment and not a reason to go insane.
And yet if you live anywhere in the vicinity of the Pacific Northwest, odds are you are going out of your freakin' mind right now because the Seahawks have finally managed to make it to the SuperBowl. It's a pretty big deal here, or so I gather.
All I know is that every time I turn on a local television station lately, I've got to watch everyday citizens dressed up like clowns and acting like obnoxious douchebags...
People with blue hair. People with green hair. People with painted faces. People yelling and screaming... "WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!" and "STEELERS SUCK!!" — It's kind of like what I envision armageddon is going to be like.
Don't get me wrong. It's not like I have anything against people being all excited and having team spirit for fun... but the idiots that they're always showing on television act like rabid freaks who are in desperate need of therapy. I'll be very glad when football is over, though a bit frightened at the possibility of Seattle losing. I envision the Space Needle on fire and the city engulfed in chaos... the WTO riot of '99 is still fresh in my mind.
Anyway, for the sake of all my fellow Washingtonians who are dying to win the SuperBowl, I'll shout out my obligatory "Go Seahawks!" for the Showdown in Motown.
That's about all I can do, considering that winter storms have caused multiple avalanches on the mountain passes, and westward routes to Seattle are closed until further notice.
In even more disturbing news... whilst flicking through channels last night, I noticed that sicko pervert Pat O'Brien is back to hosting one of those boring Hollywood gossip shows. It is impossible for me to even look at the freak without having those disgusting drunken answering machine tapes playing in my head.
Was it too much to ask that he quietly disappear after being released from rehab?? As annoying as he was before all this, he's just plain creepy-scary now.
In other words, he's perfect for politics.
You know the satisfaction that comes from a job well done? The sweet victory of completing a project you can be proud of? Knowing that you took the time to do something right, and it shows?
Yeah, me to. It's a great feeling isn't it?
Unless you are building a web site.
Because no matter how much time you spend making sure everything is compliant with web standards... no matter how long you take to validate every line of hand-coded HTML... no matter what you do to ensure that everything will appear exactly as you intended it to look...
It all falls apart when you look at the site in Internet Explorer...
Suddenly, all the hard work... all the hours... all the painstaking attention to detail... it's all turned to shit because Microsoft's browser sucks ass. Sometimes the Internet Explorer Effect™ is so heinous that sites which render perfectly in every other browser on earth become unusable. I could go into details (the box model is f#@%ed up, floats aren't handled properly, no support for max-width, etc. etc. etc. etc.) but none of it really matters. The simple fact is that Internet Explorer is garbage. Unfortunately, people don't seem to realize it...
HALF the world is using Internet Explorer, so it doesn't matter that the browser sucks donkey balls. You pretty much have to hack your site to work around all the bugs, omissions, inaccuracies, and f#@%-ups in IE, or else all these people will think it's your fault things look like crap.
There's always the hope that the next version of IE will fix all the problems, but it doesn't really matter because so few people will bother to upgrade. This makes Internet Explorer the equivalent of a case of herpes that will never go away completely. All you can do is put a condom on your site and hope that it doesn't mess things up for the browsers that don't have an STD.
I dunno. Maybe if enough IE victims are convinced to make a better choice, the percentage of users will drop so low that designers won't have to worry about the Internet Explorer Effect™ anymore. Finally, the internet will be beautiful once again (and mostly disease-free).
Oh well. Since I've spent most of my day being beaten into submission by a crappy web browser, I might as well get that "FOUR THINGS" meme out of the way. I've been tagged a couple of times before, but now Gerry and Karla have nabbed me in a weakened state, so here we go:
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Last night I got an instant message from a guy I used to work with asking me if I remembered "the movie with that crazy singer who tore the panties off the blue woman that had Flash Gordon in it." I get asked bizarre movie trivia questions like this all the time, and am no longer surprised by them (the answer, of course, was My Chauffeur featuring Sam J. Jones, Deborah Foreman, and an appearance by Penn & Teller). What surprised me more was what came next:
"So, did you watch the State of the Union Address?" he inquired.
Uhhh... yeah... this would be me watching the State of the Union Address...
Once the blood stopped gushing from my eyes, ears, and rectum... and my brain stopped melting... and the screaming died down... I'm sure it would have been great fun. But, alas, I had a lot of really important things that needed to be done. Like walking my Nintendog and cleaning out the lint trap in my dryer.
Actually, that's a lie. I just don't want to admit that I'd rather light my pubes on fire and watch every Pauly Shore movie ever made while eating raw sewage than have to listen to President Bush (or most any other politician) speak for more than five minutes at a time.
I tried to at least read through the bullet points of the speech... but once I got to the line "America is addicted to oil" and thought back to how oil companies got 14.5 BILLION DOLLARS in government subsidies, then went on to report record profits... the screaming started again.
This annoys the neighbors, so I decided to give up.
Besides, I really do have to clean that lint trap.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Inaugural
BLOGDATE: January 21, 2005
In which Dave reviews the president's inaugural address, and notes some surprising omissions.
Click here to go back in time...
Last night while I was waiting for a surprisingly tame episode of Veronica Mars, I saw a new commercial for a product called Herpecin. In case you hadn't guessed, Herpecin is used for treating any herpes infections that happen to find their way onto your face. And, while I appreciate that when you get oral herpes there is a product to take care of it...
HERPECIN?!?
Dude! Seriously. Who in the heck wants to walk into the drugstore and ask the sales clerk: "Where can I find the Herpecin?"
Worst. Product. Name. Ever.
But it did get me thinking about what would happen if this trend escalates...
Bleh.
Unfortunately, as wonderful as modern medicine is... THERE IS STILL NO CURE FOR DUMBASS!!
Some stupid f#@%er is suing Apple Computer because listening to an iPod at full volume can cause hearing loss.
WELL NO SHIT YOU MORON!
Here's another newsflash for you... CUTTING YOURSELF WITH A KNIFE CAN CAUSE BLOOD LOSS!!
Who are these ignorant douchebags that are incapable of comprehending the obvious? The iPod NEEDS to have high volumes because NOT ALL MUSIC IS RECORDED AT THE SAME LEVEL! Some music is recorded softer than others. Many audiobooks certainly are. Some of the podcasts I've listened to are barely audible, even at full volume. On top of all that, some people are hard of hearing and need higher volume levels in order to hear anything in the first place. It's up to the individual to determine what volume level is appropriate for them and, if they are too f#@%ing stupid to figure it out, then they shouldn't be allowed to buy an iPod in the first place.
Seriously. This has got to stop.
Whenever a lawyer files such a stupid lawsuit, they should be immediately shot and then lit on fire. Or maybe bludgeoned with metal pipe and forced to choke on their own vomit. Or something involving a hack-saw and flesh-eating parasites. I dunno. All I do know is that this shit HAS GOT TO STOP!
What really chaps my ass is that these greedy turds are filing the lawsuit under the pretense of public safety, but the truth is that they WANT TO GET PAID. LAWYERS WANT MONEY!! Never mind that people have been using headphones for decades, all of a sudden everybody is too stupid and irresponsible to know that loud music can damage your hearing. WTF?!?
At some point people have to be responsible for their own stupidity rather than forcing everybody else to do it for them. That USED to be the American Way. But NOW the American Way is to sue everybody you can. Is this really what everybody wants for this country? Nobody wins but the blood-sucking bastard lawyers.
Anyway, one last thing... do you like potato chips? If you do, you'll want to read the rest of today's extended entry. If you don't like potato chips, then FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE DON'T CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW!!
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
At some point in my childhood past, I had come to the conclusion that I was going to be a doctor.
But then I quickly realized that there is no way I could be a doctor because I didn't have the balls for it.
And when I say "balls" I am not trying to be all metaphorical... I am talking literal "balls". As in my testicles. Because any time I so much as hear somebody talking about blood or injuries or surgery or anything like that... my balls shrivel up and disappear. I think they're allergic to blood and gore or something. In any event, my testicles killed my medical vocation before I even got started. And you can just imagine how traumatizing it is for me to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, or CSI.
But just because I abandoned my otherwise promising career as a doctor, I'm still not out of danger.
For instance, my mother had to call and drop this little bomb on me: "I sliced open my finger and had to go to the doctor to get stitches.
GAAAAAAAH!
To understand how this simple sentence affects me... let's take a little field trip to Dyersville, Iowa, home of the Field of Dreams movie site. For the sake of this demonstration (and to avoid being tagged as a porn site), the role of my testicles will be played by these two baseballs in a GLAD brand jumbo-sized food storage bag (with the "yellow and blue make green" zipper closure, so you KNOW it's closed!)...
Once I hear the words "sliced my finger", my baseballs start shivering...
And once I hear the words "stitches", my GLAD brand jumbo-sized food storage bag starts to shrink in horror, taking my baseballs with it...
This leaves me with a pair of baseballs the size of marbles...
Obviously this affliction is a major inconvenience. Doctors have to look at blood and gore all the time, which would traumatize my balls quite badly. So badly that I would worry about them disappearing permanently. And as any guy will tell you (or, if you are a guy, you'd tell yourself) having something happen to your balls is a frightening prospect indeed.
Oh well. This is not the first time that my testicles have made a decision for me.
I'm relatively certain it won't be the last.
Anyway, speaking of balls (you just knew there was going to be a point to all this, didn't you?)...
How big of balls does it take to sell an episode of the TV show Survivor for $1.99... but then have the episode expire after 24 hours? For the answer, let's take a look at what Larry Kramer, President of CBS Digital Media, has hanging...
Yep! Those are some enormously huge balls! They'd have to be huge, considering that the $1.99 episodes you buy from Apple at the iTunes Music Store don't have an idiotic "self-destruct mechanism" that will destroy your purchases the day after you buy them. Once again, clueless people are making stupid decisions that will turn potential customers into criminals. Seriously... who is dumb enough to want to BUY a video that's only good for 24 hours when you can download the Bit Torrent off the internet for FREE that will last forever? The entire point of selling your show legally is to give honest people an alternative to illegal downloading... not ripping them off! Classic.
Congratulations Larry, my hat is off to you and your huge, huge balls!
This entry will self-destruct in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
The fact that I am vegetarian is a source of curiosity for many people. I suppose this is mostly because I am not a "militant" vegetarian who is hell-bent on making everybody else a vegetarian too. It's a choice I made for myself, and I don't force my dietary habits on other people. Since many vegetarians do feel the need to preach their views, this makes me a bit of an anomaly.
I first flirted with vegetarianism 20 years ago as a New Year's resolution in 1986. I only really liked hamburgers, bacon and pepperoni growing up anyway, and so it seemed like an easy step to take. Unfortunately, the local burger joints kept tempting me back to the life of a carnivore, and I never made it more than three months at a time. Come Thanksgiving, I had given up completely, because I wanted a slice of dead turkey pretty bad.
Fast-forward a year-and-a-half. I was dating a girl who was a vegetarian. She was very vocal about animal rights, and made compelling arguments against eating animals. After a couple weeks of pestering, I finally kicked the meat habit on Earth Day, March 1988, because my girlfriend promised to make it worth my while. And while she lived up to her promise, we only lasted another couple weeks before breaking up.
But the diet has stuck ever since.
Part of it is for health reasons, but mostly it's because I can't make the leap from this...
To this...
And I have to wonder how many other people would continue to eat meat if they had to slaughter it themselves. It's easy to become detached from where meat really comes from when it comes so nicely packaged at the supermarket. I also wonder if people would be willing to pay the price to eat meat if the US government were to stop subsidizing the industry. Without billions in taxpayer dollars, a hamburger would cost around $14.00... would people be willing to pay it when suddenly a veggie burger was so cheap by comparison?
Anyway, vegetarianism fits neatly into my Buddhist way of thinking, so I am quite happy to stay the course. And while I am (unfortunately) still eating unfertilized eggs, milk, cheese, and other dairy, I can safely say that I won't be eating meat ever again. I seem to be much healthier because of it, and am happy to contribute to a diet that's not destroying the planet.
So while I don't begrudge people who choose to eat dead animals, eating less meat or becoming a vegetarian is easier than ever. Why not give meat-free options a chance next time you're at the grocery store or eating at a restaurant... you might be surprised.
On the other hand... boy do I miss pepperoni pizza.
Since our poor planet has entered such a horrifying state of affairs, I have decided to trade-up.
Instead of wasting time in this violent, polluted, hateful place... I will instead be spending the rest of my days surrounded by beautiful scenery and wonderful sights. A world of opportunity and adventure. A land where I won't have to worry about getting knifed on my way to work or having my car shot up. A country where the people are kind, decent, and hard working...
...well, not actual people, but animals that kind of act like people. Kind of.
I am talking, of course, about the world of Animal Crossing inside my Nintendo DS...
Animal Crossing is an awesome "life simulation" where you can work, explore, shop, make friends, grow fruit, go fishing, catch bugs, build a home, experiment with feng shui, celebrate holidays, collect furniture, patronize a museum, hunt for treasure, design clothes, create art, and all the other things that make life so great. All tax and disease-free!
I am seriously addicted, even though I don't have much time to play it. But that's okay, because even when I'm not playing, I'm thinking about it. Right now I have my heart set on earning enough money to expand my house so I can decorate it with pirate furniture and some cool skull-and-crossbones wallpaper I made.
It' a fun place to waste time. And nice to look at too, thanks to the sweet graphics...
Probably the coolest thing about the game is that it is wi-fi enabled so you can invite people to your town over the internet. That way, they can come take a look at what you've done, and even trade stuff or give gifts! For example, my town had all pear trees... but thanks to somebody playing in New Jersey who visited me, I was able to trade for some peaches, plant them, and so now I have peach trees growing as well. Now I need to find somebody who has apples, oranges, coconuts, and cherries so I can add a little variety to the landscape.
If you have a Nintendo DS, it's a game well worth picking up. To learn more about Animal Crossing, you can visit the Official Nintendo Site, Animal Crossing Ahead, or Animal Crossing Community.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've decided to blow-off work today so I can go hunt for buried treasure!
I f#@%ing hate jury duty.
Mostly because I get summoned more than anybody I know. The last time I was called was just a little over two years ago. Meanwhile, there are people I know who have never been called, or been called only once or twice. And, as if it weren't enough that jury summons are so unfairly distributed, the entire system is so stupid, that even if I desired to serve, I would never want to go through the shit they put you through.
First of all, your period of potential service is TWO WEEKS. And since I don't even get to take that much VACATION each year, having to block-out my time for something so lame as jury duty really chaps my ass. I summed it up pretty well the last time I got summoned...
What the f#@%?? Excuse me, but apparently the Washington State Justice System has me confused with some loser that has nothing better to do than wait by the phone while they try to find some criminal that needs hanging. I realize that Washington has one of the highest unemployment rates in the nation, but unless you want me to lose my job and become another unemployment statistic, you'd better re-think things. Do you really expect people to put their lives on hold for TWO WEEKS why you make up your mind as to whether I am going to be called in with only one day's notice? How am I supposed to plan for that? This isn't Little House on the F#@%ing Prairie where people had nothing to do...
Second of all, no excuse is good enough for the dumbass judges that determine if you can be excused. One year, I had to call in to be released because I was going to be studying for final exams at college. The judge yelled at me for five solid minutes and then chastised me for avoiding my "civic duty". The next year I received another summons that landed in the middle of a trip to Europe. Rather than get yelled at by some ass-wipe judge, I actually changed my travel plans.
Lastly, the results of serving on a jury are always unsatisfying. My last term on jury duty had all of us believing that the guy on trial was probably guilty, but we were forced to proclaim him "not guilty" because of gross incompetence by the prosecution. A total waste of my time (not to mention taxpayer dollars).
So you can imagine my reaction when I checked my mail this morning and saw this...
What could possibly be worse? Let's turn it over and see...
That's right, my first call-in lands on my birthday!
Awww, you shouldn't have!
Seriously, you shouldn't have. I will probably still be drunk when my term starts on the 27th.
I wonder if they'll let me play with my Nintendo during the trial?
I honestly try not to repeat myself whenever it comes time to write something new... but every once in a while, I just can't help it.
Such is the case with the idiot in Louisiana who is suing Apple because "listening to an iPod with the volume too loud can cause hearing loss". I've already ranted about it, but the story keeps coming up in the news and, every time it does, I just keep getting more and more furious. The fact that somebody can sue over something so incredibly stupid causes my blood to boil, and I cannot let it go. I want very badly to bitch-slap somebody, but society has made stupid shit like this acceptable, so what can you do? I mean, if a woman can be awarded millions of dollars because she wasn't careful with a scalding-hot cup of coffee, then nothing surprises me.
Pretty soon, everything is going to be plastered with disclaimers and those little "NO" illustrations, which I like to call "DUMBASS PROTECTION". You know, those little pictures with the slash through them that you see everywhere...
And why stop there? I mean, if you don't know any better than to not play the volume on your iPod too loud... then other sublimely obvious crap is going to need Dumbass Protection as well...
And the list goes on and on.
Just take a look around the room you're in, select an item, come up with something insanely stupid to do with it that might result in injury, then SUE LIKE A MUTHA-F#@%A!! Apparently, it's the American way: baseball, apple pie, and frivolous lawsuits.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have legal proceedings to file against Ticonderoga, Fiskars, and Zippo. Blogography: Your class-action lawsuit clearing house!
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: All-American Booty Call
BLOGDATE: July 4, 2003
In which Dave questions how 6 grams of fat on some daft bitch's ass could possibly be worth fifty million dollars.
Click here to go back in time...
After weeks of despair from not being able to find a downloadable torrent of the British version of Project Runway (which they call Project Catwalk), I checked again last night and found that episodes 2-4 were finally up. How much simpler would my life be if Sky One would just put them for sale on iTunes? I'd gladly pay the $1.99. You'd think that foreign television networks would jump at the chance to expand their distribution with something like this.
The silver lining here is that Showtime has finally jumped on the iTunes bandwagon and is offering episodes of Weeds for sale. That's pretty sweet, because I dropped the network after they canceled Dead Like Me, and haven't got to see it yet. Everybody I know loves the show, so I'm looking forward to it.
Anyway, time for a bit of a delicious Elizabeth Hurley break...
If I lived in the UK just now, I'd be able to tune in to the latest episode in just 4 minutes instead of waiting for the torrent later this week. Oh well. Just like Liz says... "fashion has no mercy."
BREAKING VIDEO GAME NEWS!
Following all kinds of rumors and speculation, IGN confirms in an interview with LucasArts that Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy, is indeed in development for a release this fall. Considering that Lego Star Wars is one of my most favorite video games ever, I'm pretty psyched about that.
IGN also has a few images posted that look super sweet...
Here's some bullet points...
I. Want. It. Now.
For the full scoop, head over to the IGN.com interview.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Dave Approved: Lego Star Wars
BLOGDATE: April 7, 2005
In which Dave discovers one of the coolest video games ever.
Click here to go back in time...
This morning as I was leaving my apartment, I heard what sounded like a hairdryer running. Outside.
Since I live in an apartment complex with some wacky elderly people, I wasn't surprised when I saw that it was, in fact, actually a hairdryer. A woman had run an extension cord out of her apartment and was using a hairdryer to melt a patch of ice on the sidewalk, then mopping it up with a wad of paper towels. I can only guess that she must have slipped on it while taking out the garbage and decided to take care of the problem in her own way.
I pretty much have to guess because I wasn't about to ask her what was really going on. The truth is probably far more bizarre, and I am fairly certain that I am better off not knowing.
And speaking of bizarre... every time I see a hairdryer, I am taken back to a rather interesting story.
Well, not so much "interesting" as it is "wacky and insane".
And when I say "wacky and insane", I am actually referring to my friend Robert.
Robert (who long-time Blogography readers will better recognize from his comments here as "Bad Robert") is a very different individual, and quite proud of it. He's the type of guy that will call me at midnight on a Tuesday just to tell me that he's discovered a new word that I should know about called "shart" (which is what happens when you fart and accidentally end up shitting your pants). But, on the other hand, he's also the kind of guy who would give me his last dollar if I asked for it, which makes him a good friend and all-around nice guy to know.
(As a side-note: once gay marriage is legalized in Washington, I'll be giving some serious thought to Robert as a life-partner candidate).
Anyway...
One weekend this past summer I was over at Robert's place watching either Blues Clues or Girls Gone Wild when his Super-Deluxe Girlfriend walked into the room...
Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: I'm going to the store to pick up some groceries and a new hairdryer. Do you need anything?
Bad Robert: Oooh... when you get the hairdryer, make sure there's a blue balls button!
Dave: WHAT?!?
Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: WHAT?!?
Bad Robert: Yeah, you know... that blue button so that cool air comes out.
Dave: And you call this the "blue balls" button?
Bad Robert: No. Not "blue balls" button... blue "balls button"... as in the "balls button" is blue. It's so you can blow-dry your nuts without roasting them.
Dave: WHAT?!?
Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: WHAT?!?
Bad Robert: Well, yeah... testicular moisture can lead to jock itch. Baby, you should be glad that I'm into preventative maintenance... you wouldn't want to sleep with a guy who had jock itch would you?
Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: I don't know Robert. Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to sleep with a guy who blow-dries his testicles.
After she leaves...
Dave: Please don't ever tell me how your old hairdryer got broken.
Yep, Robert's Super-Deluxe Girlfriend has to be the bravest woman I've ever met.
D'oh! I just realized that I lost a dare from Naomi. But, in my defense, I must say that my thoughts are only a reflection of our balls-obsessed society, and not a personal obsession of yours truly. Oh well. If it makes you feel any better Naomi, I will resist the urge to draw a cartoon of me blow-drying my testicles... that should count for something.
UPDATE: It would seem that Robert is actually a lot smarter than people give him credit for. Read the follow-up for this entry.
Well this is odd. After poking fun at Bad Robert yesterday for his "cool balls" button... I awoke to four emails, all telling me that this is actually a good idea.
Apparently, using a blow dryer to prevent (or even cure) jock itch has been highly recommended for years by mens health magazines, doctors, and clinical researchers. This includes famous TV and radio personality Dr. Drew. There a number of reasons for this...
1) It is a natural way to take care of jock itch (as opposed to having to buy expensive ointments and creams), and actually works (just be sure to use a no-heat setting, as Robert had said).
2) Talcum powder is a controversial subject. Research shows that it is nasty, nasty stuff, and probably shouldn't be going anywhere near you genitals... male or female. One reader provided me with numerous warnings tying talc to everything including cancer. I had never heard this before, but a quick Google search confirms this with something like 80,000 results, including this one from the Prevent Cancer Coalition. Everybody is encouraged to make sure that talc is not listed in the ingredients of any powders they may be using.
3) Even powders other than talc (like corn starch-based remedies) can still cause problems for some people. In addition to drying up excess moisture, it can also rob skin of the natural moisture needed to stay healthy.
So there you have it. It would seem that Robert is totally vindicated here, and a hairdryer with a "cool balls" setting is actually a smart idea. I rarely blow-dry my hair, but after digging my hairdryer out from under the bathroom sink counter I see that, sure enough, it has a magical blue button.
Who knew?
Yet another helpful tip from your friends here at Blogography!
I have so much dirty laundry piled up that I am certain one day I won't be able to make it out of my bedroom alive. I'll awake in the middle of the night having to go to the bathroom, trip over a heap of dirty underwear, hit my head on the closet door, and lay there bleeding to death in a pile of smelly socks. I can't imagine how they would make that sound good for my obituary, so I figure it's best to just spend my day-off washing.
But as fun as doing laundry is, there's quite a bit of down-time while waiting for that rinse-cycle to finish.
At first I was going to watch the complete first season of the excellent Grounded for Life DVD set I just got, but that only occupies half my brain. The other half gets bored and needs something to do.
Enter Google Maps.
The really nifty thing about this service from Google is that anybody can create their own maps using the freely provided (yet poorly documented) Google Maps API. You can even draw your own little icons and stuff. This appeals to me, because I think it would be very cool to include interactive maps of my travels when I am blogging on the go. For example... if I were in Chicago at the Apple Store, and Bad Monkey was waiting for me at Giordanos Pizza, I could easily create a little map to show where everything is. You would be able to move around, zoom in and out, and it would look something like this...
Actually, it would look exactly like that, because this is a screen capture of a real Google Map I made.
The only drawback is that the JavaScript to create the map takes forever to load... even if you don't actually display anything that uses it. This caused major problems, because all my blog pages were taking four-times longer to load whether there is a map there or not.
Obviously, that's not going to work out for me.
I guess what I am going to have to do is create a separate "Blogography Maps" blog and then provide a link in my entries there. That way, only pages that are actually going to be drawing maps will load slowly. It's not an ideal solution, but it's the only thing I can think of. A pity that individual entry archives in Movable Type can't be flagged to use different templates. Then I could just dump my maps into the extended portion of an entry and be good to go. Oh well.
And there goes the buzzer on my clothes dryer...
UPDATE: Thanks to reader assistance, I did figure out how to embed a Google Map without penalizing other pages.
This morning I awoke to two emails regarding yesterday's experimentation with Google Maps...
The first was from somebody who felt compelled to write and say "nice Photoshop hack" in regards to the Google Map screen capture that I had included (apparently he felt it "looks fake").
The second was from somebody showing me how I can put the slow Google code only on the pages that have maps. The only restriction is that I can't put the map in the main body of an entry, because then web feed readers will choke and die (they'll have to go in extended entries).
UPDATE: This is so cool. After goofing around for a while, I was inspired to redo my travel map with the Google Maps API. It's pretty sweet. I've got custom icons to separate my Hard Rock visits from other visits, and all the data is read from an XML file so I can update easily. I'm pretty happy with it, so I've added my map to the tab bar on every page.
The original map test is still in an extended entry...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Most everything I buy now-a-days is purchased online. And one of my most favorite places to shop is Buy.com.
They're a solid, reliable company with a huge selection at very good prices. I like that they make it easy to manage my orders. Their shopping cart is great. They accept PayPal for payment. They ship quickly. Their policies are fair, and most of the time I can count on everything going smoothly when I place an order.
All-in-all, Buy.com is a great place to buy stuff.
Unless something goes wrong.
Because if something goes wrong, you will inevitably have to contact Customer Service. And Buy.com Customer Service sucks ass. Every single time I have had to deal with them, I end up so enraged that I want to kill somebody. If you ever hear in the news that I've gone on a murderous rampage and then locked myself in a donut shop somewhere, it's Buy.com Customer Service that's probably the cause of it.
And the reason for this is because the only thing they ever seem to do to service their customers is to send out piece-of-shit generic responses that usually have nothing to do with the question you asked. I've come to the conclusion that there can be two reasons for this...
A) They don't have actual people in their Customer Service Department, but instead have a big machine that automatically generates these stupid generic responses to your emails...
B) Their entire Customer Service Department is staffed by monkeys with PCs...
Because, seriously, there is no way that real-live people could be responsible for the shitty service you get. Real-dead people maybe, but I'm pretty sure it's illegal to employ the deceased.
Take for example my efforts to pre-order a copy of Pauly's new book: The Lost Blogs.
The book is offered for pre-order at Buy.com for the bargain-basement price of $10.04. They tell you to "place your order today and be one of the first to receive this product when it arrives!" I just love being first, and so I did. I placed my pre-order, then marked May 1st on my calendar with a happy face, because that's the day my book would ship.
Except Buy.com cancels my order after a week with some generic email telling me that they can't get the item from the publisher in a timely manner. Well no shit! It says right on the site that it's not available for three months! I knew this when I placed the order!
I send an email asking why they would ask me to place a pre-order, then cancel because the item isn't available.
They write back with another dumbass generic response that just tells me the exact same thing they told me in the cancellation notice email. I respond with my question re-phrased to make it clear what I am asking, but never get a response.
Thinking perhaps there was a release date change and it's some kind of error, I place ANOTHER ORDER.
Only to have it cancelled AGAIN.
And so AGAIN I write to Buy.com Customer Service asking why the f#@% they even bother to accept pre-orders if they are going to f#@%ing cancel them before the release date even arrives.
Another idiotic generic response about the item not being available. WELL NO SHIT YOU MORON!! THAT'S WHAT A PRE-ORDER IS FOR!!
So I finally take a difference approach and fire off a fresh email asking if the reason my order keeps getting cancelled is because I am paying with PayPal. I theorize that there is probably a time-frame that companies are obligated to ship the product when they take your money, and perhaps this is the reason? Is that why? Can they just delay processing the payment until the item is available... just like they don't charge your credit card until something ships?
Same f#@%ing generic response that in NO WAY even comes CLOSE to answering my question.
Ergo, nobody reads any emails that you send to Buy.com Customer Service. It's either a machine or monkeys. And it's not that I have a problem with companies using generic responses... IF THEY ANSWER THE F#@%ING QUESTION, but how the f#@% can you possible call this kind of treatment "Customer Service?" It's more like "Customer Torture".
And so now every time I need to buy something, I have to ask myself if Buy.com is someplace I really want to shop. Sure it's great when everything works out, but heaven-help you if it doesn't. If this is the price of saving money on things I want, I'd rather pay the extra and know that I'll be taken care of when things go wrong.
Last year, I made a photo Valentine greeting, and I got some nice comments and emails because of it.
I also got some rather disturbing emails because of it. In fact, I continue to get disturbing emails even to this day because of it, mostly because the image is also in my Flickr image set. I blame Hello Kitty.
Anyway, this year I decided to play it safe and draw my Valentine for everybody...
Hope your Valentine's Day is a good one!
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Heart
BLOGDATE: February 14, 2004
In which Dave contemplates love, and the bitches who rip out your heart so they can watch you die.
Click here to go back in time...
When you design stuff for a living, people automatically assume that you have one of the most funnest jobs ever. Probably because when you're a kid, drawing crappy pictures to put on the refrigerator is loads of big fun. But alas, like so many things, once something becomes work... well, the fun is kind of sucked out of it. The pressure to be creative under a deadline is probably one of the more stressful jobs you can have.
I'd put it right up there with neurosurgeon and bomb squad technician.
Basically, if you mess up in our line of work, somebody is going to die.
Anyway... because everybody thinks that drawing pretty pictures all day is like a non-stop party, they feel that they are doing you a big favor when they call up and say "hey, I need you to design something for me". And because I'm a sucker nice guy, I usually go ahead and do it if I can find the time. I design menus and invitations. I draw birthday banners and CD covers. I create posters and advertising. It's an endless parade of little projects which everybody tells me "will only take a few minutes" (ha ha ha ha).
The latest trend is people asking me to design their tattoos, like this one I drew up yesterday...
This is particularly painful for me, because I've always wanted a bad-ass tattoo of my own. Unfortunately, I could never manage to pull-off being "bad-ass". This is about as "bad-ass" as I can get...
Needless to say, having a cool flaming demon skull tattoo is not an option when you look like Gumby.
And so I have to continue to draw awesome tattoos for everybody but me.
Except I still want one.
So my option here is to try and come up with something that my boyish charm can pull-off. Something totally lacking in hostility. Something that is bad-ass, but in a "non-threatening" kind of way. I'm thinking that it will end up being something like one of these...
My other tattoo is a flaming demon skull. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It gives me the ability to imply that although the tattoo you are currently looking at is fairly reserved, somewhere else on my body is another one that's truly bad-ass. My only fear is that somebody will then be inclined to go looking for it.
Cartoon Skull. Though there is no way I can pull-off a realistic-looking skull and crossbones, I'm fairly certain that a cartoon version could work for me. It says "I'm bad-ass", but not so bad-ass that I have to worry about somebody mistaking me for an ass-kicking tough-guy, and want to fight me.
Bad Monkey. Because, well, you know... everybody just loves a monkey.
Garden Snake & Flaming Heart with Liz. This tattoo kind of covers all the bases. Since a scary serpent would be difficult for me to wear convincingly, I settled for a harmless garden snake. The flaming heart is a tattoo classic, but by making it look like something out of Hello Kitty, I don't risk anybody thinking that I want to rip their heart out and set it on fire. And lastly, I've got "Liz" in there so I can proclaim my love of Elizabeth Hurley and impress her with my dedication once fate brings us together.
Now if only I could decide where I want to put it after I pick the design...
The torrent for Project Catwalk episode 5 finally hit the internet (why oh why doesn't Sky One sell the shows at the iTunes Music Store so we don't have to wait?). The incomparable Elizabeth Hurley was, in a word, breathtaking. And brutally hot. As usual. I think this is probably her best episode yet. She had more screen-time and clothing that better showcased her, umm... ample talents.
Am I the only one who sits in breathless anticipation of Liz uttering those magic words "fashion has no mercy" when she tells the loser to get their ass off the catwalk?
Anyway, I didn't really pay attention to most of the non-Elizabeth Hurley parts of the show. Though some guy ran crying from the catwalk after one of the judges trashed his dress, and I thought it was pretty funny how his model went chasing after him. The drama!! For those of you lucky enough to live in the UK, Project Catwalk airs on Sky One Thursdays at 8:00pm.
For everybody else, more delicious screen caps follow in an extended entry...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Well, I might as well go for broke and make this an Elizabeth Hurley trifecta of entries today. Perhaps this will get her out of my system. At least until the next episode of Project Catwalk airs.
Thanks to Angi and her kind comment, I found out that Liz has a "Got Milk?" ad (it's in the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue). It's a smart move, because it certainly makes me want to run out and buy a gallon of milk...
And over at Just Jared, he has scary photos of Liz with big hair whoring herself out for Patrick Cox accessories...
Another smart move, because Liz is so beautiful that you barely notice that shitty-looking purse she's holding.
Alrighty then. Unless some new photos surface before now and tomorrow, I guess that's it for today.
But today everything went terribly wrong.
And I should have known that it would because I was given an Omen of Doom on my way to the bank.
As I reached the intersection, I suddenly noticed that there was nobody around. No traffic. No people. No sound. No anything. It was highly unusual. Naturally, I assumed that The Rapture had just occurred, and I had been Left Behind. Just for fun, I yelled "OH LORD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?"
Only to realize that there was a woman standing right behind me.
I am now officially one of those crazy people who wanders the streets talking to themselves about the world ending.
I suppose it was only a matter of time...
Anyway, I get to the bank's ATM only to find out that my card doesn't work. Turns out that the credit card company accidentally released all their card numbers AGAIN, and so it had to be replaced "for security reasons". Dumbasses.
But it's when I finally get to the mini-mart that the real tragedy occurs...
THEY ARE NO LONGER CARRYING MY BELOVED COKE WITH LIME!!!
Once again I find myself screaming "OH LORD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?"
And so now I am left wondering if the Coke-heads have discontinued it or what. I suppose now it's only a matter of time before I become a rent boy, walking the street with the promise of sexual favors in exchange for feeding my Coke habit...
Coke bastards! The item replacing Coke with Lime is called "Vault" and it appears to be a rediculous hybrid of soda and energy drink. That's some stupid shit right there... if I want a frickin' energy drink, I'll buy a Red Bull.
In protest, I decided to skip on Coke products and buy a Dr. Pepper instead.
Except now that I've opened the bottle, I realize that it's not REAL Dr. Pepper... it's Dr. Pepper with Vanilla and Cherry flavorings. YARGH! I HATE CHERRY FLAVORING!!
I'm having a very bad day.
My car went out of warranty back in July so, naturally, now is the time that everything starts to go wrong with it. I swear that those bastard car manufacturers plan it like this, because isn't that the way it always goes? Unfortunately, the nearest Saturn dealership is three hours away, so I get to have a bit of a road trip this morning. I am not looking forward to it.
It's not the drive to Seattle that bothers me, it's the fact that I have to share the road with dumbasses on the way over. Like this complete tool that I had to follow to the liquor store yesterday...
No offense to any Ford Pinto owners out there, but seriously... if you are going to be driving $40,000 automobile, at least act like you know what you are doing. Otherwise, you're just embarrassing yourself, and needlessly irritating everybody else on the road.
And away I go...
It was a beautiful day.
At least it started that way.
When I left for Seattle the air was crisp and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. I was marveling in all of creation as I drove Highway 2, being careful not to tailgate the truck ahead of me...
And then 10 minutes later I was pulled over by the Highway Patrol.
At first I thought he was after somebody else, and so I pulled over to let him pass.
But he didn't pass. He decided to pull me over for going 64 in a 60mph zone. I know, because I looked to make sure the needle was under the 65 mark, and it was.
The ensuing conversation went like this...
Johnny Law: YOU WERE SPEEDING!!
Dave: Sorry... I was just following the car ahead of me and didn't notice I was over.
Johnny Law: I DIDN'T STOP YOU TO ARGUE!!! I PULLED YOU OVER BECAUSE YOU WERE SPEEDING. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE FOLLOWING ONE CAR OR A HUNDRED CARS!!!!!
Dave: Uhhh... okay...
After that, I just shut the f#@% up, because obviously the man had it in for me. He claimed I was going 66 (which I'm fairly certain I wasn't)... but even so, that's within 10% of the limit, and hardly a grievous offense that was worth being pulled over for (let alone being yelled at). I mean, shit! Give me a break... would you rather people keep their eyes on the road and occasionally check their speed... or just stare at the f#@%ing speedometer and ignore everything else? Minor pops over the limit are bound to happen, even with the best drivers... ESPECIALLY with the best drivers.
What I don't get is that I was following five other cars... IN THE SLOW LANE!! Why me?? Did somebody spray-paint "F#@% ALL COPS" on the side of my car? I mean, it's not like I was blowing past everybody going 70 in the passing lane, so WTF?!?
The guy let me off with a written warning, so I guess he wasn't so bad after all... but whatever. If he would have ticketed me, I would have actually showed up in court with my flawless driving record to fight that one.
After dropping my car off at the dealership, the rest of my day went something like this...
That's Jäger Bomber #6, after which I was cut-off.
At least until the shift change when I was able to get two more from our new and improved waitress. It was at this time my friend noted that one's ability to play darts well is tied to alcohol consumption along a sine-wave curve. Sure enough, this seems to be true... at least until you start to descend the back-side...
It would appear to go like this...
As you are just completing that first drink, your skills start to improve. Right after you finish drink #2, you enter "THE ZONE" where your mad dart skills are on fire. Things just keep getting better after drinks #3 and #4. At that point, you inevitably put your drinking on pause for just a bit, so you can ride that "dart high" of being able to totally kill at the game. But then you start to lose your edge and have to drink #5 and #6 to maximize your "ZONE" hang-time. Right around drink #7 is when things start to go terribly wrong. You don't just leave "THE ZONE", you plummet out of it... no longer are you "on fire" but you bypass the "sweet" phase and drop directly down to "suckage".
At that point, all you can do is leave the bar, then go back to your friend's house and start queuing up a few more Jäger Bombers to finish out the evening.
Naturally, when you drink twelve shots of Jägermeister dropped in glasses of Red Bull Energy Drink throughout day, getting to sleep is something that proves to be a bit of a challenge (but somewhat less critical than not puking your guts out). It was a rough night, but I did forget all about being pulled over by the cops so I guess it's all relative.
Life is hardest when it's self-inflicted.
Courtesy of being tagged by Kachina over at A Whiter Shade of Pale comes this meme asking you to list your top ten favorite love songs. I think it was originally meant for Valentine's Day, but is only just now making its way here. This meme is more difficult for me than most, because most of my adventures in love have ended up being the absolute worst times in my life. It would be all too easy to pick the most depressing songs I could find and shove them in a list, but that's kind of like cheating, and so I'll put a little more work into it.
So as not to offend the meme-hating masses, my answers are in an extended entry...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
The boy looked very small against the vast expanse of the horizon. As he made his way along the rocky scrub, he sheltered his eyes from a sky so bright that he couldn't bear to look at it. He was all alone now, which was nothing new. He had been alone and ignored most of his life. But now he knew he was alone, and the weight of it was not an easy burden to carry for one so young.
The breeze was picking up, but it did nothing to relieve the heat of the noonday sun. Instead it tore across the boy's skin as a blast from a furnace, adding to his misery. Had his spirit not been broken long ago, he might have dreamt of water. But all he could think of now was the never-ending horrors of his life that pushed him onward. Ahead of him was the promise of escape, and it was enough to keep him moving when even a grown man would have faltered.
Suddenly, the small child came to a stop.
He had reached the edge of a deep chasm that spread before him for as far as he could see.
The brightness of the sun brought tears to his eyes, but they had gone before he had a chance to wipe them away. Their moisture consumed by the unforgiving heat. With nowhere left to go, the boy just stood there looking for his future in the painted landscape.
Alas, no future could be found, and so the boy sat down and shuddered with quiet sobs of defeat. Not able to continue, not willing to return, the boy felt all his hopes drift away into the desert as he began wishing that he were dead.
"What's the problem here?" Inquired the desert mouse as he wandered up to the sobbing youth, his fur covered in dust...
I have no idea what I want to write about today. Usually when I have time to blog, I sit down and at least one topic comes to mind. Today there's nothing... just a bunch of random crap that nobody is going to care about. Ordinarily, I'd work on it a bit until something struck me, but today I am completely lacking in ambition. So totally random crap it is!!
Hey, you should feel lucky I'm bothering at all...
GAMES: Last year, a friend of mine got pretty sick, and so I miniaturized a few board games and sent them to her to help pass the time with her visitors. I had forgotten all about it until yesterday when I accidentally ran across the files I used to make the games and all the pieces. My favorite of the lot was always "Daveopoly" in which I recreated absolutely everything in a Monopoly box to be "Dave-ified." All the streets have been renamed in my image ("Davetucky Avenue," "Davelantic Avenue," and "Davewalk" for example). But I didn't stop there, I put my face on all the money and re-drew every last "Community Chest" and "Chance" card (my favorite being the "Get out of pound-you-in-the-ass prison free" card). Drawing all that wasn't really difficult, but cutting it all out and putting it together was sure a pain. Next time she's getting a deck of cards.
LIZ: A totally crappy episode of Project Catwalk greeted me after spending a couple hours downloading the torrent to episode #6. There wasn't much Elizabeth Hurley this time, and instead we had to look at some freaky guy with tattoos who is apparently a famous British designer. HELPFUL HINT TO SKY ONE BROADCASTING: Nobody gives a flying f#@% if some idiot can make a shitty-looking dress out of a shower curtain... PEOPLE ARE WATCHING YOUR SHOW TO SEE LIZ!
Next season, hire an editor that understands the true power of Elizabeth Hurley's breasts! Dumbasses.
TWO-POINT-NO: I still haven't made my way through all the email that piled up while I was gone over the weekend, but I did dig deep enough to find one from some douche wanting me to sign up for a "Web 2.0 Conference". HELPFUL HINT TO ANYBODY SENDING ME EMAIL: Any time I see the words "Web 2.0" in an email, I delete the stupid shit immediately. Do not pass spam filter. Do not collect conference fees. If ever there was a marketing hype term that was as useless as a bow on a turd, this is it. The web is evolving, and always has been. Assigning "Web 2.0" to some arbitrary technology so you can sucker people into thinking that Javascript and DOM is something new is just stupid. Are you the same moron who was declaring Flash as "Web 2.0" five years ago? Yeah, that's what I thought. Anybody pushing "Web 2.0" is trying to sell you something.
BETTY: Running to the other edge of the "remarkable woman spectrum" comes the news that Betty White has been honored for her work on behalf of animal rights by the Los Angeles Zoo. She is now an official "Ambassador to the Animals" which sounds cool, even if I don't know what that means. I just hope it doesn't interfere with her acting, because her recent appearances on Boston Legal have been GOLD. Giving Betty a gun and having her rob convenience stores was genius.
T-SHIRTS: Well, the weather seems to be clearing up, so everybody who has a Blogography T-Shirt from the Artificial Duck Store will be happy to know that I've got another order going in tomorrow morning. With luck, I'll be shipping orders at the end of the month! Sorry for the wait.
OLYMPIC: Seriously, does anybody give a crap about the Olympics anymore? It seems to be less about an athletic competition, and more about a competition to make money. They're always adding new events in order to capture public interest, and half the crap doesn't make any sense. I swear, if this trend continues, they're going to have Wet T-Shirt Competition as an Olympic sport. Besides, it's too heartbreaking watching some guy from a poor nation who works two jobs in order to pay for his training compete against wealthier nations that spend millions on their athletes. "Going for the Gold" has an entirely different meaning now that we're actually talking about networks "Going for the advertising dollars Gold."
GROMIT: Well, that's all folks... my copy of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit arrived today!
Kevin found something fun over at his Kapgar Blog and, even though I actually had a topic today, I decided I wanted to play too.
The deal is that you upload your photo to this MyHeritage site and they match you to their star-studded celebrity database of images to see who you most resemble. In Kevin's case, it ended up being a bunch of women. This had me terribly worried, because he's far more butch than I am.
Anyway, if you want to see my results and read my conclusion, it's all in an extended entry...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Quite a while ago, I had the idea of creating a blog directory site that was entirely visual in nature. There would be no text at all... just pictures of bloggers that you could click on when the mood struck you. I thought it an interesting way to discover new blogs, and also put faces to the blogs you already know about.
Unfortunately, life got in the way, and I never quite got it going.
Until Tuesday.
On Tuesday I got another nice invitation to join one of the many "Blogger Networks" that keep popping up. They liked my blog and thought it would be a fabulous addition to their group. And just like the last time, it was a network I had never even heard of, so I wrote back and politely declined. I explained that this wasn't something I was interested in just now, but best of luck and I hope your endeavor is a successful one. UNLIKE last time, I received a reply:
"Are you stupid?? We're building a powerful network that could explode your traffic and give you exposure you could never get on your own!!! Blah blah blah blah blah."
And that's when I got to thinking... what do I care? I don't have ads or anything. It's not like I get a prize for having more readers. And the more I thought about it, the more offended I became. Some of these networks actually look worthwhile for finding great reads (9rules must be good, because both Pauly and Firda are members)... but most of the others I've found are nothing more than elitist wank-fests. My joining would just provide links for their crappy blogs, and I don't even care about my own traffic. So I wrote back another email and told them "sorry I am too stupid to join... f#@% you, and have a nice day."
And then yesterday I woke up and decided to create my own elitist blogging network...
Well, actually, BloggerPeeps is not so much a network as it is a list of blogs that I like. Every couple of days I'll send out a batch of email invitations to people in my web feed reader and, if people want to become a member, I'll add them to the site and they officially become a VIB... Very Important Blogger.
Then, if you should wish to show off your new status amongst the blogging elite... I'm making little BloggerPeeps member badges, and am working on these little sidebar widgets that will fit nicely under a Flickr Zeitgeist. Right now they just randomly grab members and rotate through them, but I am working on a way to make it so that when you click on a face, you'll go to their blog...
I'm also going to finish making the MacOS X Dashboard Widget, so Mac users can access the BloggerPeeps Web Feed right from their desktop...
Sweet! Now I have a project for the weekend.
Looks like my weekend project is going to be kidney stones. Nothing like spending agonizing hours at a hospital on a Friday morning.
Will somebody please explain why The Flying Spaghetti Monster would build something so incredibly painful into His "Intelligent Design?!?" Back to screaming...
And so the doctor says...
"Well, I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that your stone is very close to being passed, and you should be clear sometime today. The bad news is that the CAT-scan reveals you have another stone lodged up in your kidney. It won't cause any pain until it comes loose and passes through... but that could be 10 minutes from now or 10 years from now. We really have no way of knowing."
And Dave says...
"Uhhh... thanks?"
As fun as this was, I really have no desire to ever do it again, but there you have it. I'm holding on to my drugs, so at least I can medicate myself through this crap when it happens again.
Though I am having a hard time deciding whether the nausea and vomiting that the pain medication causes is worse than the actual pain.
In other news: Little Debbie Chocolate Cupcakes are just as delicious coming up as they are going down!
Any minute now...
This has been the strangest weekend ever.
Sure the agonizing torture of kidney stones is something new, and entailed my very first visit to the Emergency Room, but the bigger picture is that I haven't done anything all weekend. It seems all I can manage to do is to take drugs and sleep. The good news is that I think my body must be getting accustomed to the medication, because I've been able to start eating again in small amounts. I can only hope that this means I'll be able to go to work tomorrow, because all this "nothing" is killing me. If this keeps up, I'm pretty sure I am going to go insane.
Sigh. And I had such big plans. Primary of which was to get the BloggerPeeps site up and running, but I haven't been able to make much progress on that at all...
Oh well. It's not like the world is going to end or anything, but still... it's kind of depressing that three days have been utterly wasted.
I wonder how much longer until I am de-stoned?
One interesting side note is how quickly that spammers act on new entries now-a-days. I had two comments from two different companies spamming with an "all natural kidney stones cure" when I woke up this morning. As if the actual kidney stones aren't enough pain, I've got dumbass spammers wailing on me too. Why is there no death penalty for these idiots yet?
Bleh. Time for another pill and my sixth nap of the day. Being sick sucks ass! Now I know why I do it so rarely.
Just as I was finishing this catch-all Monday entry, Yellow by Coldplay hit on my iPod, and I suddenly realized that there was a freaky color-theme running through all my bullet points. Funny how that happens...
Grey: In what has to be one of the best shows currently showing on television (now that Veronica Mars has seemingly vanished), Grey's Anatomy continues to surprise me. The SuperBowl two-parter was mind-blowing. Last week's follow-up was classic. And, even though last night's show was kind of slow and boring, I still find myself completely absorbed by it. Unlike crap-fests such as Lost which drags shit on forever with no resolution, Grey's never fails to plunge forward into new territory. You may not like where it goes, but you will always be entertained. Isn't that what television is all about?
Purple, Green, & Gold: Oh how I wish I was in New Orleans right now for Mardi Gras.
Black: Balancing pain and nausea makes you pretty much useless for anything more difficult than watching television. But, other than the aforementioned Grey's Anatomy, the most interesting thing on television was a commercial for the new video game called Black, which focuses on one thing only: blowing shit up. Beautifully. That's all you do. You go from one location to another and blow... shit... up. It's got to be the most brilliant idea for a game ever, because they've cut out all the boring crap that you usually have to sit through to get to the good part. Which is, of course, to blow shit up. My copy is on pre-order, and ships tomorrow...
Brown: The current round of ads featuring Jay Mohr as a talent agent for Diet Pepsi are the most incredibly stupid ads I've seen in a long time. I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised that Jay Mohr is whoring himself out for something so outrageously asinine... what else has he got to do? But Jackie Chan and P. Diddy? Pepsi must be paying them a shit-load of bank in order for them to ignore how idiotic they look in these spots. P. Diddy's is especially embarrassing, considering he cuts a new hit single with a can of Diet Pepsi called "Brown & Bubbly". Seriously, "Brown & Bubbly". I am still trying to decide if it is more embarrassing to be starring in this crap... or to be responsible for coming up with the idea in the first place. Pepsi... it's past time for a new ad agency.
Violet: Around seven years ago, there was a brilliant British television mini series called Ultraviolet that shows what happens when a cop played by Jack Davenport ("Steve" from Coupling) accidentally gets wrapped up in the world of "Code V's" which is a clever way of saying "vampires". I keep waiting for it to be released on DVD in the US, but nothing ever comes. Instead, now we have another Ultraviolet entirely, but this time it's a movie starring Milla Jovovitch. She's playing a "Hemophage" which is yet another clever way of saying "vampires", or so I am guessing. All I do know is that Milla kicks total ass, and I can't wait to see it. Please, please be better than the ridiculous Underworld...
Blue: I just learned that Octavia E. Butler, a prominent Seattle science fiction writer who created some truly amazing works, died this weekend. If you want to give her stuff a try, I recommend the critically acclaimed Wild Seed, a tale of two immortal beings that's a magical read and hard to put down. Truly a great loss to sci-fi fans, and a reason to be blue this Monday.
Lime: Still depressed that Coke with Lime is disappearing from store shelves, but Mooselet was kind enough to pass along a tasty reminder of the greatness that once was (only in Australia, alas). It's the "Coke with Lime Girls"...
Hmmm... since kidney stones are still plaguing me, let's see how well I manage at work today while totally drugged up...
One of the most beautiful objects ever created by man is Michelangelo's statue masterpiece, David.
As an art-lover, my life-long ambition has been to visit L'Academia Gallery in Florence so I could personally bear witness to this stunning tribute to the beauty of the human form. On October 16th of last year, I was lucky enough to do just that. I was not at all disappointed. I could write pages on just how amazing an experience it was, but it basically comes down to the fact that David looks as though he is made of flesh and blood instead of stone. All the muscles, the veins, every fold of skin... it's all been so meticulously crafted, that the experience of standing before it can literally take your breath away.
It's that good...
There are other statues of course... the exquisite Venus de Milo and the heart-wrenching La Pieta come instantly to mind. But David stands above them all as to what a true artist can accomplish given nothing but a block of stone.
Which brings me to the point of all this.
Boing Boing, one of my favorite sites on the internet, is doing a good thing very wrong.
It would seem that Boing Boing is being blocked by some filtering software due to their displaying "nudity" which is kind of stupid. Any nudity I can remember seeing has either been artistic or informative in nature, and in no way gratuitous or exploitive. I support Boing Boing 100% in their efforts to protest this ridiculous practice, mainly because I've posted content to Blogography (such as the above photo) which would get me censored as well.
What I do not support is the way they are going about it. They have decided to protest the butchering of artistic expression by butchering David to create web badges...
I mean, come on... now you've taken a work of sublime artistic beauty and reduced it down to a picture of a penis. I'd pretty much sum that up as the very definition of poor taste. It's no longer an artistic statement, but exploitation for the sake of shock value. I doubt most people seeing such a web badge would even understand that it's a crop of David. All they see is a penis (giggle, snort) which kind of defeats the entire purpose. If you are going to use David as a symbol, "be respectful to the source material"...
Otherwise I'd argue that you're no better than the people you're fighting.
(They wouldn't let me take photos at L'Academia, so the above photo is by Rico Heil and governed by the GNU Free Documentation License).
As a Certified Apple Whore™, I become automatically enchanted with absolutely everything Apple does. Historically, this kind of blind devotion has been repaid, because everything they do is new, unique, classy, and better than most of the other crap in the market.
So when I had read that Apple was having some kind of media event today so they could unleash some cool new toys, I was understandably excited. Well, both excited and terrified, because Apple gear is usually pretty expensive, and I don't have extra cash laying around.
Turns out I needn't have worried. All the hype was for an upgraded Mac Mini computer and something called the iPod Hi-Fi.
Whoop-de-f#@%ing-doo.
The new iPod Hi-Fi has cool potential, EXCEPT IT'S NOT AN IPOD!! It's just speakers for your iPod. In fact, without an iPod plugged in, it doesn't do anything at all. So why call it an iPod when it's not and confuse everybody?? Beats the heck out of me...
It would be different if it had a massive hard drive inside and could act as a wireless repository hub for your music, video, and data... but it doesn't. It's a boom box accessory with a remote control. I might be at least a little excited if Bose hadn't already come up with a more elegant-looking solution that costs $50 less and doesn't have your iPod awkwardly sticking out the top. It's called the Bose SoundDock...
So when Apple asks "who better to design the ultimate stereo system for iPod than the folks who designed iPod itself?" I'm guessing the answer is Bose, who has a heck of a lot more experience designing small-footprint sound systems than Apple does.
Kind of sad really. I wanted my big-screen video iPod.
Well, that was probably one of the most horrible experiences of my life, and I can't imagine anything that could be much worse.
I mean, I suppose that I could get my foot torn off in a freak accident involving a bear and explosives... or maybe some kind of torture where my teeth are ripped out with pliers... or perhaps something involving my testicles and a baseball bat... but it really is hard to think of anything that could top kidney stones. Kidney stones suck ass!
Anyway, it's a happy day after all...
I'm assuming my kidney stone is a girl, because the only pain that ever came close to this was dealt me by a woman.
Kind of funny that something so tiny can cause such mind-blowing agony. Usually, you have to read an Ann Coulter book in order to experience suffering of this magnitude.
Maybe it's because I've just gone through a terrible and traumatic event in my life... but I feel the need to be more active in world events. I have an urge to fight injustice and make this earth a better place for all mankind and the creatures who inhabit her. Kidney stones will do that to you.
And it is with this new-found strength that I have been given the courage to stand up for my beliefs and confront people who I feel are doing something wrong. Even people who I consider friends.
People like Karla.
For quite a while now I've been enjoying her daily exploits as a Texan living in Norway via her witty and entertaining blog called Tales of a Textpatriate. She always has a way of taking the chaos out of my day. A way of bringing order to a universe gone mad. A comforting voice of reason amongst the horrors of my existence. But today all that changed. Today she wrote about something so disturbing that I feel compelled to act.
Karla admitted that she wears fur.
And not just any fur, but the fur of the rare and beautiful faux.
Karla is a faux fur wearer.
At first I thought that she didn't know any better. I sought to educate her as to the cruel nature of the faux fur industry. But she shows no remorse. She told me to "faux off" and when I told her I would be blogging about her reprehensible faux fur wearing lifestyle... she replied in the comments: "you faux right ahead... I faux dare you... faux bitch!!"
And how can I not?
So today. Right here. Right now. I am starting a campaign to save the fauxs from their tragic fate...
It's just not right in this day and age that people are still wearing faux fur. I feel it is my duty to spread the word and help bring an end to this barbaric practice. To argue my case, I've done a little research...
And there you have it. Faux furriers spend millions to hide the true nature of their savagery by advertising that "faux fur is a cruelty-free alternative to other furs". I say ENOUGH! It's time that people learn the TRUTH about faux fur and the entire faux fur industry. I hope you will join me in boycotting faux fur products as a truly inhumane fashion accessory. I can only hope that Karla has a change of heart, and can see that faux fur is nothing more than a life of pain and suffering for innocent creatures who deserve better at our hands.
How is it that we can put a man on the moon, but can't find a way to manufacture fake faux fur??
This will be my last entry at Blogography. This morning I got an offer to write material at a commercial blog FOR MONEY and, since I am barely capable of writing one thing each day, I'm afraid that Blogography will be shut down for the foreseeable future.
Oh... wait a minute... I got that backwards. I REFUSED the offer because I am barely able to write one thing each day, and I am not ready to give up my blog just yet. Yes... yes, I'm sure that's how it went. But still, that's kind of flattering isn't it? Somebody found my crappy blog entertaining enough to want to pay me actual money to write stuff. Strange.
Anyway, the latest Project Catwalk finally hit, and Liz was her usual brutally hot self. A double-vision in magenta...
On the way to work in the rain this morning I needed to stop at the mini mart to pick up some cheese popcorn. Hey, I woke up craving cheese popcorn and far be it for me to deny myself anything. When I arrived, there was a guy in a dirty coat standing soaking-wet in the middle of the parking area. As I pulled up and got out of my car, the guy came right up to me and without hesitation said: "I really need a drink, do you have a couple of bucks?"
The reason I don't hand out money has already been documented (here, in a very special episode of Blogography), so I told him that while I cannot give cash, I'd be happy to buy him a breakfast burrito and a coffee if he was hungry. "Burrito? I don't want a burrito! I need a drink!" After explaining that this wasn't going to happen, I fully expected that he would take me up on my offer, but instead he said "aaaah, keep your damn burrito!" and walked off into the rain.
If only I had the discipline to become a wandering alcoholic. I mean, I always have such a great time while drunk, so it must be like a non-stop party (at least until you run out of booze money like that poor bastard). Meagan called once I had bought my cheese popcorn and, after I told her about my random encounter, had to remind me that being drunk in public is not the best career move for me...
Years ago while she was still living in Portland, I had gone down for work and we hooked up for a night on the town with her brother and his partner. Many alcoholic beverages were consumed before we finally decided to go to the movies. It was one of these weepy drama flicks that only women and gay men can enjoy, but I was totally drunk and didn't care what they wanted to watch. Turns out that was a mistake, because I was bored... bored... bored.
So bored that I did something bad.
There was this dramatic scene in the film where some daft bitch wasn't watching her daughter and the little girl wandered off and got trapped somehow. The woman struggled valiantly to reach the girl, but she couldn't. There were all these dramatic close-up shots of their hands almost touching, but not quite.
The woman in the movie cried.
The little girl in the movie cried.
The audience cried.
I just screamed "USE THE FORCE, BITCH!!"
In my defense, it did work for Luke when that abominable snow monster hung him up-side-down in the ice cave and he could almost touch his light saber.
There were a couple of big laughs in the audience (presumably those few straight guys who had been forced to watch this pile of crap by their girlfriends), but overall my helpful comment was not well-received by my fellow movie-goers. I really don't blame them. I hate it when some dumbass ruins the film for everybody... it just so happens that this time the dumbass was me.
When a woman left the theater, I knew she was going to get the manager, so I told my posse I was going back to the bar before I got tossed out and they could just come get me after the movie was over. Much to my surprise, they actually did come and get me.
So perhaps Meagan is right. If social drinking is this difficult for me, maybe this isn't a good career move?
Oooh, look! It's another picture of Elizabeth Hurley!!
Oh yeah, speaking of The Force... my fellow Lego Star Wars video game lovers will be happy to know that IGN is running a production diary for the sequel over at their site. How cool is that? I guess it's time I renew my IGN Insider membership. All I know is that I cannot WAIT for this game to be released...
Awww... isn't little Lego Darth Vader cute as he chokes that little Lego Rebel Alliance soldier?
There are choices that define you. Choices that let the world know who you are... what you're about. Everything from what you choose to wear to what you choose to drive is analyzed by everybody you meet. Make the wrong choice, and you can give a very wrong impression.
And there is nothing more harshly analyzed than what bank checks you choose.
It used to be that checks were all the same. You opened a checking account and got some kind of blue or green pattern and that was the end of it. There was no choice... your bank had already made it for you. But now things are very different. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of check blanks you can choose from. I don't write checks very often because I use an electronic billing service and a debit card, but every once in a while I need to write one. And I am down to two left, so now it's time to choose.
The checks I loathe most are the cute ones. Puppies and rainbows and all that happy crap. When I am writing a check, I am generally not happy. And I don't want the people to whom I am giving the check to be happy either. Kittens are the worst. Nothing more horrible than a cute kitten on a check. Unless it's a kitten cartoon...
Or maybe babies dressed up as angels is the worst, I can't decide...
So then I start looking for things I dislike. Things that make me very unhappy. And right at the top of the list is country music. I loathe country music with a passion usually reserved for child molesters and Ann Coulter. And there are plenty of country music checks to choose from. Like Kenny Chesney, for example. A design like this is guaranteed to piss me off whenever it came time to write a check...
But that's pretty gay. Okay, it's a LOT gay. And with my gayness rating hovering at 20%, I cannot afford to add the kind of gay points that Kenny Chesney checks would give me. I need something more butch...
But that's kind of lame, because checks with chicks just look like you're compensating for something... they say "I am so not butch that I give you this sexy chick in the hopes that it will fool you into thinking that I am a total stud". So instead, I thought I'd head in another direction and look for something totally macho. Something that would make that babe at the checkout counter totally "get" me. Something that shows I am a bad-ass that doesn't take any crap and knows how to handle a woman. Something like these policeman checks...
But passing out checks with guns to people is a little scary now-a-days. I don't even know if airport security would let me on a plane carrying something like that. So maybe there is a more heroic choice? Something that screams "I am the very definition of masculinity and manly vigor". Something like these firefighter checks...
Except the only thing more lame than checks with chicks has got to be trying to explain why you are carrying firefighter checks when you're not a firefighter.
So then I go looking through sports checks... cartoon character checks... patriotic checks... designer pattern checks... check after check after check. And nothing even remotely says "THIS IS ME!"
Until I found these totally awesome Rob Zombie checks...
That aught to scare the crap out of the little old lady at the rental storage company!
Thanks to a suggestion from Rach, I decided to make my own bank checks. It's only $20 for 150 of them, and you can rotate through four separate designs if you want. Since I've already made my own stamps, I figured "why not?" I don't think that you can use photos of other people without permission, so Elizabeth Hurley checks are not an option... and I'm certainly not going to put photos of myself on them. Guess it's going to be a bunch of DaveToons then.
The hard part is trying to pick toons that will work in such a severe horizontal format. I did the best I could, and am mostly happy with the results.
Bad Monkey...
Toothpaste...
Scary Clown...
Super Pope...
Big fun! I need to start customizing everything... I want my own glassware, dinnerware, and cutlery. My own shoes, socks, and boxer shorts. My own toothbrushes, shower curtains, and condoms. I definitely want my own line of erotic sex toys (which may be considered "Not Safe for Work" and are pictured in an extended entry)...
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The sweat pours down my forehead as I crouch behind the battered automobile. My ears are ringing because the sound is deafening as they unload in my direction. The car shudders amidst flashes of light, and pieces of metal rain down upon me. These guys really, really hate me. But that's okay. Thanks to some inventive internet research, I've got the Big F#@%ing Gun with me and am ready to unleash. I wait for them to reload, and then it's my turn. I blow away everything in sight, my MSAW ripping through wood, glass, metal, and flesh. I know this is so wrong, but I just can't wipe the smile from my face. The Microsoft Internet Explorer developer group deserved to die. All of them. Rest in pieces you bastards.
And this is why I think playing violent video games is actually a good thing. If I couldn't fire up my Xbox and pretend to blow away the idiots who made Internet Explorer the shitty-ass browser that it is... I would probably be tempted to do it in real-life. But instead, I just sit down with the video game Black and blow shit up for an hour, then the urge to kill is manageable again.
And it's all because of this...
BloggerPeeps beta, which is starting to look fabulous in every browser I throw at it (including Safari, FireFox, Opera)... is, of course, looking like crap in Internet Explorer. AS USUAL!! So then I've got to sit down and try to figure out which magical combination of "display:block" and "display:inline" statements will bypass all of the IE bugs and display the page as it's meant to be seen. I must be getting used to it, because it only took about an hour this time.
Anyway, everything is coming together for my very own elite blogging "anti-network". Tonight I'll swap out the temporary graphics with the real thing, then get the database hooked up. After that, I'll be good to go, and start adding sites later this week. Woot!
Now I need to go buy groceries. It's 10:00am, and all I had to eat for breakfast is a can of Mountain Dew.
I feel funny.
Sometimes it so sucks to be me.
At 8:30 this morning, I found out that some sort of crisis had happened, necessitating me having to pull together a project, drive 3 hours to Seattle, fly to Chicago O'Hare, spend the night, meet somebody at the airport at 6:30am, then fly back home directly after.
36 hours of my life gone so that I can play delivery boy.
And this was shaping up to be such good week.
As I sit here in my hotel room, I marvel how things like this tend to happen to me so often (note to self: wireless service at the Hilton O'Hare SUCKS ASS, so don't stay here again). I guess all I can do is order up some crappy room service food, watch TV, and hope I don't oversleep because the wake-up call system is all screwed up.
About the only cool thing that happened this entire day was sitting next to Seattle musician Jim Basnight on the plane and talking music for the trip over. He's on his way to New York to play a few gigs this weekend, so if you're in the city, be sure to check it out.
Dang.
Since I didn't have time to pack anything except a change of underwear and a toothbrush, I just realized I don't have any Carmex lip balm with me. How in the heck am I expected to survive Chicago in March without my Carmex lip balm? I feel my lips chapping up as I type this...
I've decided that I don't like being a delivery boy. Too much hassle for too little reward. There are perks, however. Unlike my "real" job which never ends, this job is done, done, done. I hand over the package, and it's over. I can go home and not think about it anymore.
The only thing I have to think about is whether my flight is going to leave on time. Last night they were having problems with their radar here at O'Hare, and we arrived a half-hour late. And since I didn't get much sleep last night, I really don't want any delays for my flight out. I'll have a hard enough time staying awake for the 3-hour drive home once I land in Seattle.
As a side-note... why in the heck do they put cameras in mobile phones?
The quality is always tragic, making the camera totally worthless, so why bother?
On the left is a picture out my window from yesterday's flight out of Seattle. Since I bought my ticket earlier that same day, I got a crappy seat in the back of the plane. I wanted to preserve the moment forever, but this picture isn't going to bring back any memories except how much my phone's camera sucks ass.
On the right is a photo of a dumbass who is clipping his nails here in United Airlines "Red Carpet Club". This elite refuge for frequent travelers is supposed to be a classy and comfortable retreat from the chaos of waiting at the gate. As it turns out, you get the same redneck morons who think that flinging their nail clippings everywhere is acceptable behavior.
But, on the other hand, here at the Red Carpet Club you get FREE MINI BAGELS WITH CREAM CHEESE!! WOO HOO!!
Actually, these bagels totally blow, which just goes to prove that you cannot find a decent bagel outside of New York. Don't ask me why.
OH GREAT! SOME BITCH JUST BROUGHT A SCREAMING BABY... INTO THE RED CARPET CLUB!! I guess that's my cue to go claim my seat upgrade and go home. I project my odds of being able to sleep on the plane at 6%. Hopefully somebody will drop a suitcase on my head as they try to over-stuff the overhead bin so I can finally get some rest.
When I got back from my trip yesterday, I was understandably exhausted. It took seven hours to get to Chicago O'Hare where I spent 9 hours waiting to do something that took 5 minutes, only to have to turn around and spend another seven hours getting back home. After working for a couple of hours, I think I must have passed out, because I woke up at 8:00pm and didn't know where I was.
And so now my sleep schedule is going to be all messed up, and that sucks ass because I'm already battling insomnia. With nothing better to do while wide-awake at 1:00am, I thought I'd write up a summary of my trip. But that was boring, so I decided to to try telling my tales in verse. A pity I'm not much of a poet...
Ode to the dumbass who kept yelling "ARE YOU THERE?" "HELLO?" "ARE YOU THERE?" "HELLO?" "ARE YOU THERE?" at the airport check-in counter...
Mobile phones sure are swell,
Cellular technology is sly.
But if the connection makes you yell,
It's time to hang up or die.
Ode to the impossibly cute woman I saw sitting across from me in the food court at Chicago O'Hare International...
Your hair sets my heart aflame,
Your smile is devilish and fleeting.
Your brown eyes are calling my name,
A pity you pick your nose while eating.
Ode to the Reggio's Chicago-style pizza I ate for breakfast at the airport yesterday morning...
Cheese! So gooey and right!
Sauce! So flavorful and tight!
Crust! So buttery and light!
Your calories widen my butt.
Ode to the rude bitch in the seat ahead of me on the plane who crushed my kneecaps and nearly destroyed my laptop...
To recline slowly is courtesy,
To look behind first is kind.
To flop back indiscriminately,
Makes me want to beat your behind.
Ode to the "Right Bite" boxed meals that United Airlines sells in lieu of the in-flight meals you used to get...
Meals are no longer free,
$5 for a snack box insane.
Contents really do puzzle me,
Because tuna stinks up the plane.
Ode to the woman at the gas station who was wearing so much makeup that I had to wonder if there was a face under all of it...
Pants worn tightly.
Tits covered slightly.
Hair teased nightly.
You look like a whore.
Ode to the piece of crap motorist ahead of me on Blewett Pass who is obviously too old to still be driving...
Hey old man you're taking all day,
Oh why won't you let me pass?
Time to get the f#@% out of my way,
Or I'll crash into you then kick ass.
Hmmm... well that was a bad idea. Sorry. It won't happen again.
Gah! It's now 1:30am and I'm still not tired!! I am so going to be dragging my ass today.
As I mentioned a while back, I'm going through kind of a Kool-Aid renaissance.
Lately I've been getting much bolder in my Kool-Aid choices, and have started to stray away from the classics (Grape, Orange, Lime, Tropical Punch) in order to try some of the freakier flavors they've got going on. First there were the "Kool-Aid Twists" which are blended flavors ("Swirlin' Strawberry Starfruit", for example). Then I experimented with "Kool-Aid Ice Cool" which adds a bit of tingle to the taste ("Arctic Green Apple" anyone?). And now I'm moving on to the "Kool-Aid Aguas Frescas" which are favorite flavors from Latin America...
Last night was time for "Pineapple" which tastes about as unlike pineapple juice as you can get. I didn't care for it at all.
Until I added vodka to it.
Suddenly the pineapple-ish stuff became an exotic nectar of the gods. Which begs the question... is there any juice (or juice-like substance) that vodka doesn't taste good in? I like it in grape juice, orange juice, cranberry juice, pineapple juice, and any kind of fruit punch. I haven't tried it in apple juice yet, but something tells me that it will be equally tasty.
Much like a fresh episode of Project Catwalk with the delicious Elizabeth Hurley...
And speaking of alcohol, I need a new drink. I'm getting bored with the same old cocktails every time.
Here's the kind of stuff I like:
Maybe I should create my own alcoholic beverage. I could call it the "Bad Monkey"...
Too bad my lunch hour is almost up, because I would totally try drinking that.
Today I got an email telling me that my ICRA labeling is out of date. Truthfully, I don't think that labeling site content matters one bit, but if it will keep people from sending me an email because their kid stumbled across Blogography and ended up traumatized, then I have no problem doing it.
Just like last time, I am being very conservative, and applying labels that I don't necessarily agree with (better safe than sorry). The one thing I have changed is that I've blanketed all of this crap as "appearing in an artistic content" because I am of the opinion that my cartoons and writing do have some artistic merit (no matter how small). If you were to read down the list and NOT see it as appearing in an artistic context, Blogography looks incredibly pornographic, violent, and balls-nasty, which I don't feel is a very fair assessment.
The simple truth is that I don't consider my blog to be in any way obscene. It's more like a PG-13 rated movie where young children reading it may be exposed to things that they don't understand, or sarcastic material that they can't yet view in the proper context without help from an adult. Sadly, I don't think this comes across in my ICRA rating because of the very narrow choices you are given, but it is what it is and so that's what i got.
Below is the current rating structure which I have labeled on every page in my blog. A sample link is given to show how I am interpreting the label for actual content...
Oooh, I feel so perverted and dirty now.
Why does the USA have the ugliest, most boring money on the planet?
Seriously, I've been around the world more than a couple times and, everywhere I go, everybody else has sexier money than we do. Most foreign currencies look as though a gifted designer... a true artiste... sat down with a plan and crafted a cohesive statement that is both beautiful and representative of the currency's home nation. US currency looks like somebody sat their butt down in some random patriotic bits then wiped their ass with a piece of paper.
I can only guess that the "design" meeting for our currency went something like this...
"Hey, let's slap an engraving of a dead president on there, then sprinkle random shit everywhere to really junk things up. Then, just to be sure we don't accidentally make our bank notes look like a currency "family," let's intentionally make sure all bills have different typefaces and symbology. And, to be sure our money is the most boring it can be, let's use drab green as the only color, sprinkling other random colors around only when forced to for security measures."
Thus the "new" US currency was born.
Well, not actually "born" so much as crapped out of the ass of the US Mint. The latest atrocity being the $10 bill that's being released any day now...
And then there's the $20 that was released a while back, showing entirely different design elements, typefaces, and illustration style. WTF? Did the person designing the $10 even LOOK at any other bills?!?
How totally embarrassing. I'd rather shop with Monopoly money than this dippy-looking cash.
Now take a look at this beautiful specimen from Costa Rica (as swiped from Randy Johnson's excellent world money pages)...
Yes, Costa Rica. An agricultural country that's smaller than the State of West Virginia (one-half of %1 the USA's land area), has 1% of the USA's population, and 1.4% of the Gross Domestic Product, takes more pride in their money than we United States. Why didn't we outsource our currency design to Costa Rica so we could have nice-looking bills? We don't seem to have a problem outsourcing every other f#@%ing job here.
I should run for president in 2008 based solely on the promise of affordable health-care, accountability of action, and better-looking money.
I would seriously kick-ass as president.
I finally got around to finishing up the last hour of VH1's I Love Toys show and have to say I am monumentally disappointed. THE HULA-HOOP IS THE #1 TOY OF ALL TIME?!? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. The Hula-Hoop was a fad... not a great toy at all.
But the show was great fun, and did remind me of my favorite toys from over the years. With nothing better to do, I decided to come up with my own list of top ten best...
Speaking of toys... Boing Boing had a link a while back as to how you can make photos look like tiny little models. I gave it a try and ended up with this shot of Toy Shanghai...
Nifty!
I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to get the latest Project Catwalk today, because most weeks it's at least Wednesday before it shows up (ATTENTION SKY ONE... you need to sell your shows on the iTunes Music Store so we poor Americans can see them in a timely manner!!)
Anyway, I start watching and was very pleased that Liz was looking particularly hot in this episode. I like it when she wears simple outfits that flatter her kickin' body rather than the more crazy stuff that covers it up. I mean, less is always more when you look like this...
Better yet, the camera man and film editor final realized who it is they're dealing with, and have started to use appropriate shots to fully exploit the grandeur that is Elizabeth Hurley...
But then the best news ever is announced...
OMFG!! THIS WEEK'S COMPETITION IS TO DESIGN A NEW DRESS FOR ELIZABETH HURLEY!! How utterly brilliant! Why don't they do this every week? The good news is that this means we get to see a bit more of her this time... including some rather fabulous shots of Liz describing what kind of clothes she likes to wear...
I was desperately hoping that Liz would be modeling all the the dresses on the catwalk but, alas, this was not to be. It was just like a regular show with Liz in the judges seat looking hot and making notes.
And that's when IT happened.
That's when the most unfathomable, totally incomprehensible thing ever to air on television was shown in one heart-stopping, unbelievable moment.
Some dumbass said that he thought a dress was too sexy for Elizabeth Hurley to wear.
Yes, you read that right. This stupid queen actually had the balls (or lack thereof) to say that an article of clothing was not appropriate for THE Elizabeth Hurley... not because it was ugly or poorly made... but because it was TOO SEXY for her...
WHAT THE BLOODY F#@%?!?
Did he somehow FORGET what Liz looks like? She was sitting right next to him... all he had to do before opening his stupid mouth was turn his head and LOOK at her so he could realize "oh shit... I almost made a terrible mistake by saying something outrageously idiotic! How could I suggest that there could possibly be a dress that is too sexy for this brutally hot piece of eye-candy! How silly of me! What a silly little pickle I am!!"
But NOOOoooooo.
This monkey-spanker actually said IT. I was hoping that Liz would walk over and beat the shit out of him (seriously, I would have paid money for that action) but if she did whip up on him, they edited that bit out. Or maybe she waited until after the show was over, then set his car on fire... with him in it??
Then again, at the end of the day he'll still be a pathetic little bitch that nobody cares about... and she'll still be Elizabeth Hurley.
I guess there's no worse punishment than that.
But there should be.
Blogging is an effortless endeavor for me. I've read about bloggers who struggle with every new entry, bloggers who get burned out, bloggers who can't think of things to write, bloggers who ramble on because they don't have anything to say... but it's never that way for me. I just sit down to write and, 10-20 minutes later, it's over. Results may vary, but that's all there ever is to it.
But not today.
I woke up, had a few minutes to write... but didn't feel like it.
The twenty minutes I take for lunch... didn't feel like it.
Home from work and done with dinner... didn't feel like it.
Now I've watched a couple hours of TiVo-recorded television... and still don't feel like it.
Maybe if I make a toy boat from a photo I took in St. Thomas...
Awww, cute. But I still don't feel like it. Maybe a dippy internet qiz will help... like "Which of the Seven Deadly Sins Are You?"
Uhhh, no. Stupid quizzes are still stupid. How about a meme I found at Blue Goo Ate My Mom?
Eh. I give up. :-(
Am I the only one who delights in the misfortune of dumbasses?
I don't know what's wrong with me, because my Buddhist leanings are all about love and respect for my fellow humans, yet I just can't seem to feel badly for stupid people when they do stupid things. Can't do it. Maybe my sympathy gene was misplaced somehow?
Or perhaps it's just because I am pure evil...
This morning I had to provide chauffeur services for somebody needing a ride. After dropping them off, it was still early, and I was hungry enough to eat breakfast at McDonalds while I waited. Sure the food will kill you, but I'm facing 40 and am totally ready to die.
So there I am just pulling into the McDonalds parking area, when I see this car entering from the opposite side of the lot. Much to my surprise, they all of a sudden floor it, and come screaming across the pavement in my direction. At first I thought that I had somehow been transported into the movie Death Race 2000, but then I realized that they were just trying to beat me to the drive-through.
Except I wasn't going to the drive-through.
But they didn't know that, and decided to race me for it...
... and ended up ramming their spiffy new truck right into the curb because they were going too fast and couldn't stop in time.
Oops.
After parking my car, I noticed that the driver had gotten out of his truck to inspect the damage, and it looked like one of his rims took a bit of a beating. This made him mad. Very mad. Very, very mad. He was saying words that I don't think were intended to be said at McDonalds.
I'm sure he probably blames me for this somehow... dumbasses always do.
I thought it was funny, so I just laughed at him as I went to buy an Egg McMuffin (sans ham).
Evil, I tell you.
When you live in a small town, your options for eating out are limited. We have a fine dining restaurant, a family restaurant, a pizzeria, a burger drive-through, and something like 37 Mexican restaurants (give or take). Unless you want to eat Mexican for a month, you only really have a week's worth of variety (and even that's pushing it, because they all feature mostly hamburgers on the menu).
And if you're vegetarian like me, only about 3% of what they serve is edible to you.
Last year a new restaurant opened up selling "Authentic Pulled Pork BBQ" which has since turned out to be a fairly popular place to eat. If you like shredded dead pig and loads of barbecue sauce on a bun, it's the restaurant for you.
I affectionately refer to it as the "Little Shop of Horrors". Mostly because of me doing the vegetarian thing, but the fact that they blast country music at full volume and have redneck decor everywhere is the real kicker...
Frightening.
And yet this is probably what everybody from outside of the US thinks that all restaurants here are like (at least the ones that aren't McDonalds or Kentucky Fried Chicken). They could be right. I'm pretty sure that this is what the cafeteria at The White House looks like now.
But they make a decent potato salad and have good cornbread (with honey butter!), so I drop by every once in a while when I can't think of anything better to eat for lunch.
I just ignore the stench of roasting animal carcasses and try not to think of what goes on in that kitchen...
Or what they have to do to get their "pulled pork"...
Which ends up looking like something that dropped out of a diarrhetic yak's ass...
Bleh. It's Rush Limbaugh on a bun! Bon appetite.
I've written ad nauseam about my profound disappointment in the United States Government to provide adequate health care for its citizens, but it's never been written from personal experience. It's always been an observation of other people struggling... elderly people who can't afford to buy medicine... people who can't afford to go to the doctor when they get sick... things like that.
Until today.
Because today I received my medical bill from the little trip I took to the emergency room for kidney stones a couple weeks ago. The grand total? $2762.77, which is about the price of a brand new, top-of-the-line Apple Power Mac G5.
The good part (if you really look for it) is that I have health insurance to help out. Unfortunately, my deductible means I have to pay $1250 before my insurance actually kicks in, which is about the price of a new Apple iMac.
In order to help people like me with that deductible, the government is generously allowing its citizens to create "Health Savings Accounts", where you are allowed to put in your deductible amount each year, and not pay taxes on it. So I go to open up my HSA at the bank today, only to find that any account with a balance under $2500 will have a monthly service fee of $2.50. And since my account will have a balance of $0 after I pay out for my expenses, I will be effectively paying $30.00 a year to save any money on my taxes.
What a brilliant f#@%&ing idea.
Seriously, when are people going to get sick of this shit and start rioting in the streets? How much worse does it really have to get?
American citizens have to pay huge insurance premiums that still result in huge bills... but not huge enough to deduct from your taxes (unless said expenses exceed 7.5% of your income). Bad enough that the wealthiest nation on the planet makes us pay for all this shit in the first place... but to tax you on top of it? WHAT THE F#@&?!?
If the government is going to make me pay my own medical expenses so I can stay healthy, thus be able to work, thus be able to pay taxes on what I actually earn... why should I have to pay taxes on ANY medical expense? Would they rather we just not go to the doctor and die? How can you collect taxes from somebody who's DEAD you dumbass f#@%ers?!? Are you trying to encourage people to not earn any money so they can go on welfare and get their medical care that way? Stupid. Stupid. STUPID!!
Does this make sense to anybody? Anybody at all?
You shouldn't need to pay a bank $30 to save a minimal amount on your taxes if you need medical attention... you should be able to claim ANY medical expenses on your taxes as a deduction simply by saving a receipt. This is the least... the absolute VERY LEAST... our government can do for the people they are f#@%ing over.
Happy f#@%ing St. Patrick's Day.
As a big fan of the original graphic novel by Alan Moore and David Lloyd, I was very nervous about V for Vendetta being turned into a movie. After all, Moore's previous works League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and From Hell were positively butchered in the translation to film, and the odds of V bucking this trend seemed unlikely.
As it turned out, the result wasn't half bad. Sure several characters and events were changed, but I think the Wachowski Brothers did capture a bit of what made the original story so great...
The problem is that the context of the book when I first read it fifteen years ago was very different than now. Back then, the Orwellian world in the story echoed a possible future... today it seems to be a likely future. Because of that, the movie seems like a clumsy attempt at socio-political commentary instead of the elegant revelation it was when Moore wrote it.
In any event, this tale of an oppressed future society and its masked terrorist liberator is still worth a look as a film or, better yet, even more amazing if read from the book as it was originally intended.
Then you can be V too...
...and understand why the ending of the book is SO much cooler than what's in the movie.
With tons of work to get through this weekend, I spent most of my time in front of the television with my laptop in an attempt to get caught up. I always like to work with the TV running in order to mask ambient noise, and this time I decided on a Dr. Who DVD that a friend gave me to watch, followed by a marathon of classic Star Trek episodes.
It doesn't get much geekier than that.
Until I start watching all my Buffy The Vampire Slayer DVDs.
Argh. My plan was to spend my birthday in Cabo San Lucas for four glorious days... but my friend can't get her schedule changed, and I'm too buried in work, so we're postponing things. I'm still going to Seattle to goof off this weekend, but boy was I looking forward to drunken adventures in Cabo.
It was just one of several disappointments facing me as I started the week. Unfortunately, it wasn't even the worst thing to happen. No, that would be the old woman who was shouting at me as I drove through the parking lot this morning. I'm getting used to old people yelling and shaking their fist at me, though I can never figure out exactly why they do it. I used to stop and roll down my window so I could find out what their problem was (they're my neighbors, after all) but eventually gave up, because I always ended up more confused than when I started.
So I just give a quick wave and continue on my merry way.
Except she was having none of that. She decided to come after me.
Waving her cane with a righteous fury, she hobbles off the sidewalk and shuffles toward my car. Slowly. Figuring that something could be wrong, I stopped the car, got out, and walked back to her.
Turns out it was a case of mistaken identity... she thought that I was supposed to be driving her to an appointment because my "car looked the same". This was a huge relief to me because the last thing I needed was to have an old lady beat my ass with a cane. I deposited her back on the curb so she wouldn't be run over and said my goodbyes.
Then, just as I was heading back to my auto, somebody pulled up in a beat-to-shit car that looked nothing like mine and started screaming at the poor old woman to get in or they would be late. So once again the old lady hobbles off the curb and then tries to open the car door. When I notice she is having trouble, and the bitch behind the wheel has no intention of helping her, I once again ran back so I can assist her into the car.
My reward is to have the bitch driver then scream at me for blocking the exit.
And yet if I were to strangle the white-trash piece of shit, I WOULD END UP BEING THE ONE SENT TO A POUND-YOU-IN-THE-ASS PENITENTIARY!
This kind of pushed me past the "disappointment" stage and sent me right into "rage" mode. It took every bit of strength I had to not curse the bitch out and, if the old lady hadn't been there, I most certainly would have. AAAAARRRRGGGHH!!
A canceled trip to Cabo. Screaming white-trash bitches. And NO Elizabeth Hurley Project Catwalk torrent yet. THIS is how I am starting my week?!?
I. Want. Out. Of. Here.
Steak SAUCE!!
Last night while tearing through some work I had to finish, I was watching my bitchin' DVD set for Justice Leage: Season One, which rocks SO hard. Honestly, I am more excited about watching a new episode of Justice League than I am about seeing the new X-Men film. The lame-ass "movie X-Men" fight stupid boring crap instead of the bad-ass enemies they get in the comic books, so who cares?
But the Justice League cartoons are just as exciting as the comics, if not more so. It's a comic book lover's dream come true...
And speaking of super-heroes, I was my own super-hero this morning when I totally made Kitty Spangles my bitch on my very first game of double-deck Klondike...
Kitty Spangles Solitaire was recently upgraded to 2.0, and now includes some other versions of the game (like Freecell, Spider, and Yukon). Even better, it's free to registered owners which was pretty swell.
And speaking of swell, I finally managed to watch the season finale of Project Catwalk. The best part of the show was when the final three contestants were told that their mentor "Ben" would be paying a visit to their home, but when they opened the door, it was actually a SURPRISE GUEST... Elizabeth Hurley had dropped by...
I would have shat myself right then and there, but the finalists somehow managed to hold it (somewhat) together...
Liz was brutally hot, as always. Even if she did go a little bit crazy in the end there...
Sigh. And so ends my weekly Elizabeth Hurley fix. It sure would be sweet if they bring her back for another season...
And speaking of sweet, has anybody tried "Golden Oreos Originals"??
They kick all kinds of ass, and I am on my way towards devouring my third bag in two weeks. That cannot be good for me, but I am going through a kind of "cookie renaissance" just now and can't help myself. Somebody needs to suggest another awesome cookie so I can use it to break my 3-bag Golden Oreo habit.
I have wonderful, amazing news.
Incredible, spectacular, miraculous news.
As I was heading home yesterday, I stopped at the mini-mart and found out that my beloved Coke with Lime is back! Sometimes begging and pleading actually works. What I am not sure of is if this is old stock that the Coke Man is trying to get rid of... or if it really hasn't been discontinued, and they were just going to stop selling it at that one store until I complained.
Oh well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, I'm just happy I can still buy it...
Coke with Lime kicks ass.
In other news: Ha ha. HAH HA HA HAAAHHH! BWAAAAAHH HAAAHH HA HAAAAAAHHH!
Maybe they should call it "Windows VAPOR"?
For crying out loud... just buy a Mac and be done with it.
As for me? I'm going to Daveland...
Oh Daveland...
It's the place to sing a happy song.
Grab your wallet and come along!
Oh Daveland...
It's the place to have a great day.
Bring your money to pay pay pay!
Oh Daveland...
It's the place where fun times begin.
Give us cash or you ain't gettin' in.
Oh Daveland...
Dave how we love you!
For Hachiko...
No. I am not kidding.
I totally love Coke with Lime. Except for an occasional Jones Blue Bubble Gum soda here and there, I had all but given up soda pop for four years. But then I was walking in the grocery store one day and was intrigued by these bright lime-green caps calling out to me from the soda aisle. Intrigued, I decided to give it a try because I like lime.
I now drink a minimum of two servings each day. Yesterday I had four.
Seriously. If you haven't experienced Coke with Lime, you haven't experienced life!
And to all those kind souls who have suggested adding lime juice to Coke to get the same effect... I've tried it. For some reason, it's just not the same. I've tried bottled lime juice. I've tried squeezing fresh lime. I've tried lime slices. I don't know what those Coke bastards do in order to make Coke with Lime so tasty, but I'm sure it probably involves some sort of crystal meth type substance.
That would certainly explain a lot.
I first saw this meme at Chronic Listaholic, and misunderstood it to be that you have to answer every question using only the title of songs by The Eagles. Now I see that Kevin over at Kapgar has done it, and apparently you get to choose the band you want to answer with.
Now that I can do...
Choose a band/artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs...
Based solely on question #5, I'm going to have to go with Depeche Mode. I should try it again with either a-ha or Erasure, because they both have some songs that are perfect for this kind of thing.
1. Are you male or female?
"Somebody"? (see, if I was going with Erasure, I could have answered "Boy"!).
2. Describe yourself:
"People are People" (hey, I should have said "Sweetest Perfection"!).
3. How do some people feel about you:
"Just Can't Get Enough" (because can you ever really have enough Dave?).
4. How do you feel about yourself:
"Dangerous" (I could be dangerous if I wanted to).
5. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend:
For the last one it would have to be "Now This is Fun".
For the one before that, "A Pain That I'm Used To"".
For the one before that, "Lie to Me".
For the one before that, "Barrel of a Gun".
(Thankfully, I don't have to answer "Shake the Disease"!)
6. Describe your current significant other:
"Nothing".
7. Describe where you want to be:
"Behind the Wheel" (I was going to say "In Your Room" but thought that might scare you).
8. Describe how you live:
"It Doesn't Matter" (because so few things in life actually do).
9. Describe how you love:
"I Feel You" (or, on occasion, "Strangelove").
10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish:
"Never Let Me Down Again" ("Policy of Truth" would also be nice).
11. Share a few words of wisdom:
Either "Nothing's Impossible" or "Everything Counts".
12. Now say goodbye:
"Leave in Silence".
Funny, I just went back to Chronic Listaholic so I could link to SJ for starting this, and see that she had asked to see me answer with Depeche Mode songs in the comments. Cue Twilight Zone theme here.
Today I am forty years old.
That's a lot of years. Where did it all go?
Still, I can't complain. I've done a lot of things in my life, am fortunate to have seen a bit of the world, am relatively healthy, and have terrific friends and family to get me through the day. I guess that makes me a lucky guy (if I believed in luck, which I don't).
But forty... wow. A pity that I still act like a 12-year-old, but everybody has their issues.
Anyway, I guess I'm ready to die now.
Not that I want to die, I'm just saying... if it happens, I'm okay with it.
And if I get to choose how I'm going to die, I think it would go something like this...
The good news is that being dead gives me a terrific new DaveToon to draw...
And just for the record, Bad Monkey did not die from a marathon love-making session with Elizabeth Hurley. He died from an overdose of Coke with Lime.
Uhhhh... yeah.
Happy birthday to me.
Yesterday I made the mistake of visiting Brookstone and trying out one of those magical computerized "massage chairs". You sit down and press buttons that makes the chair come alive and give you a massage. There are a variety of modes to choose from... you can get a Swedish massage, a Shiatsu massage, or anything in-between. You can get a hard massage or a soft massage. You can have a heated massage or a vibrating massage. You can even have the chair massage your ass.
I turned on everything.
It was actually painful. But in a good way.
It was SO good, that I had to resist the urge to touch myself inappropriately...
By the time it was over, I was ready to buy. But there were three problems...
After goofing around the East-side this afternoon, I said goodbye to my friends there and headed Seattle-side.
Since our Cabo San Lucas plans were scuttled, my friend and I decided to stay downtown so she could take me out for birthday dinner and we could wander around the Market in the morning. We would have taken a look tonight, but everything was closing just as we arrived. The sunset was nice though...
Our room overlooks the new Seattle Public Library. This freaky building seems interesting, and sure photographs nicely from a distance...
Unfortunately, it looks like total crap from street level. Kind of like they took six really cool buildings, then smashed them all together at unpleasant angles or something. Not a pretty picture to me, but it does have its fans.
And now, if you'll excuse me, it's ice cream time.
ICE CREEEEAM!! ICE CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!
Oh yeah... thanks to everybody who was kind enough to send their birthday wishes... I feel much loved. :-)
WARNING: This is a bullet-point entry!
I am driving home from Seattle this afternoon, then will immediately start boxing up 38 T-shirt back-orders so they can ship out first thing Monday morning. That's pretty much my entire day, so I figure bullet-points are better than nothing.
Here we go...
And I'm off. So long, Seattle...
I almost forgot about my blog today, because I have been completely absorbed by the new Nintendo DS game: Metroid Prime: Hunters! I haven't had a lot of free time, but every minute I manage to find is devoted to playing this game. To say that it kicks ass is an understatement of biblical proportions.
Basically, it's a "first-person" shooter, where you play a bounty hunter immersed in a fully 3-D environment. The visuals are amazing, and the gameplay is beyond cool. Being able to have this kind of action in the palm of your hand is almost too good to be true...
The best part of the game is that you can play against other people over the internet. This is adds an entirely new level of fun to an already awesome game. Unfortunately, I'm not very good yet, so I spend most of my time having my ass served up to me...
Big, big fun. I find it shocking that the game designers managed to fit so much cool stuff in such a tiny little Nintendo DS cartridge.
As if that wasn't enough for today, I got the latest Lego Shop at Home Catalog in the mail this morning.
OMG! THEY NOW HAVE BATMAN LEGOS!
Yes, you read that right, BATMAN!!! and he's made from LEGO!!!
How could I possible NOT buy these?!? You can see the entire line at Lego.com.
Okay, back to getting my ass kicked in Metroid Prime: Hunters.
I am going to start carrying around one of those little "clicker counters" so I can keep track of the number of people I want to bitch-slap in a given day. I'm thinking that the number has got to be rather large... perhaps in the high thirties or low forties. It's possible that I'm just irritable, but I honestly think it's because there are a lot of people out there in need of a good bitch-slapping.
Case in point... I stopped at a shop whilst in Wenatchee yesterday. I wasn't there two minutes before some idiot came in with his demon-spawn child. His boy then proceeded to continuously blow a coaches whistle LOUDLY while the father did... nothing. The sales clerk and three other customers just stood there staring in shock. Me being, well... me, walked up and said something...
Dave: Hey... does he have to do that in here?
Idiot: It's either that or listen to him scream his head off.
Dave: You sir, are a model parent.
Idiot: Uhhhh... what?
Dave: Yeah, that's what I thought.
See? There's two slaps right there... one for the dumbass father and another for his whistle-blowing dumbass kid.
It's times like this that make me want to abandon saying "bitch-slap" and go back to saying "a punch in the face". I can see now that my attempt to come up with a less-violent way of enunciating my disproval in people is not nearly as effective, because I seriously wanted to hurt these idiots.
Most people would say "don't blame the child, he wasn't brought up right and doesn't know any better." But since he's the one with the whistle in his mouth, I don't really care. Obviously he isn't being taught proper manners at home, so it becomes the duty of society to educate the little hellion. The ideal solution is probably too harsh...
... so I guess a bitch-slap it's going to have to be.
And in other, non-slapping-related news, I see over at TV Shows on DVD that the Air America television show spin-off is being released on June 6th. Ordinarily, I wouldn't mention something like this (it was an okay show, but nothing fantastic), except Scott Plank co-starred in it with Lorenzo Lamas...
Now that Scott's tribute site seems to have disappeared, I get a lot of Google traffic from people trying to find out stuff about him (probably because I chose Scott as one of the three "Guys I Might Go Gay For" in a previous entry). Since he was one of the few decent people I met while I was involved in my "Hollywood project", I figure the least I can do is help keep his memory alive here when something like this comes up.
Oh, and before I forget... Kachina has posted a totally awesome entry on how great I am over at A Whiter Shade of Pale. As I said in the comments...
"I wished I possessed even a tiny amount of humility so that I could at least pretend to be humbled by such kind praise... but my ego simply doesn't allow for it.
As it turns out, I AM totally great.
If I weren't me, I'd be wishing I was me. But since I am me, I just have to be satisfied with wishing I was more me than I am right now. If I were three times more me than I am, I think I'd be pretty much perfect."
Now feel free to go write about how great I am in your own blogs.
Not that I need the validation or anything... I'm just suggesting a topic in case you can't think of anything better to write about today.
Though I can't imagine that there is anything better to write about than me.
So even if you THINK you have something better to write about than me, I'm here to tell you that it probably isn't, and you should just go ahead and blog about my greatness instead.
Not that I don't value your opinion, it's just that most people don't understand how truly magnificent I am, so I'm trying to point you in the right direction.
Because, admit it, you are feeling a little lost right now and could use some direction in your life, couldn't you?
Yeah, that's what I thought. Off you go then... remember to double-check the spelling of "Blogography" when you link back to here.
Not that I am accusing you of being a bad speller, I'm just saying...
Washington State is a pretty amazing place. We've got a rain-forest, a beautiful coastline, the San Juan islands, the Columbia River, plenty of mountains & lakes, yummy apples, famous wines, the world's biggest extinct waterfall, a huge dam, the Space Needle, and lots of other cool stuff. It's a happenin' place, and I kind of like living here. You should drop by and see it if you get a chance.
And with all the nifty stuff we got, you'd think it would be easy to sell the place as a tourist destination.
But apparently it's more difficult than you'd think. A team of 32 "experts" spent 18 months (and heaven only knows how much money) working on a new slogan for us, and what did they come up with?
Which has a lot of Washingtonians saying "say WHAT?!?"
Most people do not like it at all, and just about every publication in the state has called it stupid (or worse). This makes the prospect of a half-million dollar ad campaign a little hard for people to understand when they see stuff like this...
When all I can picture is this...
Personally, I don't get it. What is this trying to say to potential visitors? It's like hipster slang gone wrong instead of a compelling campaign to get people thinking of Washington as vacation destination. Oh well. The real shame is that this could have been a decent concept... for Oklahoma. "SayOK" has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
Anyway, here's a list of things I DON'T want to do today...
But, lucky me, I get to do all six!! The good news is that once I get to Spokane, there's a fresh episode of Veronica Mars waiting for me tonight...
And, of course, the best pizza in the known universe at David's Pizza. That's almost worth the trip all by itself, so maybe this won't be such a bad day after all?
Looks like I am off to SeeWA.
So SeeYA.
Bleh.
My big plan to recover from a three-hour drive yesterday was to have a slice of David's Da Vinci pizza and then check into the hotel and watch the latest Veronica Mars.
But everything went wrong. David's was out of Da Vinci so I had to get cheese pizza (still good). But then the shit really did hit the fan... at 9:00 I turned to the UPN channel for Veronica and instead saw that The A-Team was playing...
WTF?!?
Turns out that the local Spokane UPN affiliate switched to "The Retro Television Network" back in January. So no Veronica Mars for me. Comcast bastards.
Fast forward to this afternoon. Work is over, and it's time for the boring drive home. If anybody is curious, here's pretty much what the Central Washington's Columbia Basin looks like this time of year...
Later in the season the wheat will be grown up and turn a nice golden color which looks great at sunset. Today, it's just getting started, so things are a little green yet.
Usually I drive I-90 because it's the fastest way back home. But, because I love my readers, I decided to drive Highway 2 instead. This way, I could make a stop at "Dry Falls" so I could show everybody what the largest waterfall in the world looks like. Well, it was the biggest, but not anymore...
Unfortunately, the massive scale of the formation is lost in this photo. Those cliffs are 400 feet tall. If there was water still flowing over them, it would dwarf Niagara Falls by a large margin (it's 350% wider and 250% taller). Turning back the clock 13,000 years, here is what it would look like...
If you're curious about the whole Dry Falls story, I've copied the info in an extended entry.
For everybody else, see you tomorrow (and don't worry about me, David's had a fresh Da Vinci pizza ready for my lunch today, and Veronica Mars was waiting for me on the TiVo when I got home).
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
I'm getting some nice emails from people who are finally getting their shirts this week, many of whom have been waiting quite a while. I feel bad about all the delays, and can only hope it was worth the wait. What I am wanting to do is fix the store so that it shows inventory quantities. That way, people can see if they'll be getting a shirt right away or have to wait a bit. It would also be nice to come up with a solution that calculates exact shipping charges, so nobody pays too much (this is a BIG problem for international shipments, which can be billed too much or too little by $5 or more). If wishes were fishes.
Anyway, I don't know if it is apparent from the $8.95 price tag, but I don't make much money on these things... once everything is factored in, I get about 50¢ to $1 per shirt. Considering how much time it takes to package and process the shipments, I am actually operating at quite a loss. But I don't mind one bit. I never got into this with the intent of making money, it was always just for the fun of it. And when I see pictures of people having a good time while wearing their shirts, it's all worthwhile...
There will, of course, be a new design for my Blogiversary III Celebration come mid-April. And once again I'll be giving away a bunch of free shirts (among other things) to people who enter the contests (just to warn you... this time you may have to work for it, so put on your thinking caps!).
And, while we're talking about shirts, time for some Q&A...
Where can I get your "Healthy Boobies" Breast Cancer Awareness Shirt? This was a limited-edition shirt that I designed, but had no part in manufacturing (I don't even own one!). The shirt was a success, however, and helped raise nearly $1000 during Breast Cancer Awareness Month... quite an achievement considering only 50 were ever made! If there is enough interest, I may make a limited edition shirt this October and donate all the money to The Susan G. Komen Foundation. I'll keep you posted.
Why can't I buy a "Dave Cafe" shirt like in all your DaveToons? Because the Hard Rock Cafe would probably sue my ass! I love the Hard Rock, and would rather that people head to their local cafe and get a "real" shirt than anything I would come up with.
How do I get an "Artificial Duck" shirt? They are currently not for sale, but may be resurrected one day. The logo is really too good to not be on a shirt, so I definitely want to print them again. I'll take a look at it after Blogiversary III is over.
Why are your shirts in black and white? I want color! For the current designs, I just thought that they looked better that way. I did experiment with color, but kept coming back to the B&W. The good news is that there may be some color options coming up...
I'm a GIRL and want a GIRL'S SHIRT! How can I order a baby doll T or fitted women's shirt? Well, right now you can't. The simple truth is that having to keep an inventory of many shirt styles in various sizes would bankrupt me. HOWEVER, I have talked to my printer about custom ordering them along with my "regular" orders and it doesn't seem to be a problem. So I am thinking of having a "pre-order store" next time, and letting people order sweatshirts, baby dolls, fitted shirts, long sleeves, or whatever. When it comes time to order the Blogiversary III stuff, I'll let everybody know.
What does "Bad Monkey" mean... who is this "Bad Monkey"?? There is no secret meaning to Bad Monkey. The very first DaveToon I drew was in reference to that evil little monkey in the movie Outbreak who infected everybody with the ebola virus. Not only that, but monkeys have been known to spit and throw their poo at people, which makes them bad indeed!
Who prints your shirts? That would be Ad-Fab Ink... the best screen printers I have ever had the pleasure of working with (and there have been quite a few over the years!).
I was told by (insert name here) that they got a shirt for free. I want a free shirt! There are five ways to get a free shirt... ONE: Get lucky from leaving a comment here on Blogography (every 1000th commenter gets a free shirt, assuming you leave a valid email address so I can contact you, and aren't a comment troll who got deleted). TWO: Win a contest during one of my Blogiversary celebrations each April. THREE: Be one of the first twenty people to make a tax-free donation of $100 or more to Doctors Without Borders during a disaster relief drive (contact me if you're interested). FOUR: Order a shirt that's out-of-stock for 4 weeks or longer. FIVE: You are Elizabeth Hurley, Kristen Bell, or Betty White and ask for one.
Alrighty then. I am off to wash a giant pile of dirty clothes that has accumulated over the past week of craziness. Something is starting to smell funny, and I want to take care of things before it comes alive and strangles me in my sleep. Just my luck it would be a Bad Monkey T-shirt... oh the irony...
I love a good map.
Historical maps, world maps, city maps, street maps... it doesn't matter. I just think that maps are cool to look at, and I've accumulated quite a few of them over the years. Mostly from places I've been, but also from places I want to go (like the Aegean) and places I will probably never go (like the planet Mars). I even like these newfangled internet maps like MapQuest and Google Maps. Sometimes I wish I had a GPS so I could see myself on a map wherever I am. Because that's how much I love maps.
My map passion began in a very unlikely place... an album cover.
In 1984 one of my favorite bands of the day, The Thompson Twins, released their latest work titled Into The Gap. In addition to unforgettable 80's musical favorites like Hold Me Now and Doctor! Doctor!, the back of the album cover had a very cool treatment of the Thompson Twins logo by the artist Satori...
He had turned it into a map! And then he put the album credits as cities on the map!
This fascinated me. I had never thought of maps as art before, but here was an incredibly cool artistic statement that inspired me to take a look at "real" maps. And I was hooked. From that moment onward, I was a cartography whore.
So much so, that I started creating my own maps. Sometimes of real places, like this map of the Hard Rock Cafe run Perry and I took...
Other times I make maps of fake places, or of fake places that should be real. Like the sovereign nation of Davenia...
I drew this map back in 1998 for the relauch of "DaveWorld", which never happened (close-ups of the map can be found in an extended entry).
So what's all this leading up to? Glad you asked...
One of the greatest map inventions of the 20th century was the laminated roadmap. And the best of these was "FastMap", which was manufactured by the HM Gousha Company. These fantastic travel companions are always in my car, ready for use at a moment's notice. They are low-profile, single panel height, accordion-style maps that are brilliant both in execution and design. And, because they're laminated, they wear well and don't rip apart like paper maps. Eventually, map giant Rand McNally came out with their own laminated maps, but they were pale imitations that folded out to HUGE dimensions and were difficult to use in a car. The leaner, meaner FastMap was a much better choice.
So can you guess what happened next?
Rand McNally bought out the HM Gousha Company in 1996. This was a smart move, because now Rand McNally could have access to the wonderful FastMap catalog, and release this superior product under the Rand McNally name!
But I think we all know that's not what happened. Rand McNally promptly discontinued FastMaps in favor of their own INCREDIBLY CRAPPY AND PRACTICALLY WORTHLESS PIECE-OF-SHIT laminated maps. This means that my beloved FastMaps, which are now falling apart, cannot be replaced thanks to the dumbass bastards at Rand McNally (whose web site has sections that are not Mac-compatible, by the way).
Needless to say, I am not happy about this. And, to add insult to injury here, I couldn't buy a new Washington State map from Rand McNally even if I wanted to... they're out of stock. Somebody at Rand McNally needs a serious bitch-slapping.
Anyway, more Davenia maps are in an extended entry, if things like that interest you...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
♫ With a rebel yell, she cried "more, more, more!" ♫
As I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a woman totally rocking out in her car. She was thrashing around in a frenzy as she sang along with the radio, and looked like she might be going into an epileptic seizure.
I stared at her for a minute trying to figure out what song could possibly be causing her to freak out, and then tried to take a guess based on those songs that I like to thrash to...
Dave's Top-5 List of Head-Bangin' Tunes
Turns out it was none of them. It was Betty Davis Eyes by Kim Karnes. Except it sounded really, really terrible. After I was done shopping and came back the parking lot, she had started all over again, and that's when I realized that it wasn't Kim Karnes on the radio... the woman was practicing karaoke tunes off a CD. Badly.
Heaven help those poor souls she would be "entertaining" on karaoke night.
Speaking of entertainment, my TiVo has been slowly dying. The hard drive has been squealing like crazy and stuttering from time to time. Since you can't buy a new dual-tuner TiVo for DirecTV anymore (dumbasses), I had no choice but to try and repair it. After an hour of internet research, I stumbled across a company called WeaKnees. They offer brand new hard drives for TiVos that have already been pre-loaded with the TiVo software! All you have to do is open up your TiVo, rip out the old drive, then pop in a new drive with the tools and instructions provided.
The entire process took under 10 minutes, and my TiVo is good as new... in fact, it's better than new because I ordered a faster, bigger 160 GB drive to replace my crappy old 40 GB one. As a side-benefit, the new drive is whisper-quiet, which is sweet. If you are looking to upgrade your TiVo with more space, or need to replace an old hard drive in your TiVo unit, I highly recommend WeaKnees (all warnings about possibly ruining your TiVo considered).
♫ She's ferocious, and she knows just what it takes to make a pro blush.
All the boys think she's a spy, she's got Bette Davis eyes! ♫
Oh great, now I can't get that song out of me head.
Sometimes having a blog sucks ass.
Sunday morning I received an email from my hosting company telling me that my site was "in quarantine" because it was using an excessive amount of CPU resources. This strikes me as funny, because I've done a lot of work to optimize everything, and am not dynamically generating any pages, but whatever.
Of course, there's no way for me to verify this myself... I just have to take their word for it.
Anyway, the quarantine site kept losing data, so I eventually decided it was safest to just find a new hosting company. Movable Type (my blog software) recommends Yahoo!, so here I am.
So, for the next day or so...
And to find out why I am pisssed off at just about everybody involved, you can read the whole story in an extended entry. Otherwise, just ignore me for a day or two, and everything should be back to normal by then.
UPDATE: Thanks to Göran over at 6ft5, I found out that MacZot is releasing a new version of "AppZapper" (a drag-and-drop uninstaller for Macs that track down pesky related files you might miss). The cool part is that the price drops 5¢ for every site that links to their page. If 259 people link by midnight (when the offer expires) you can get a copy for free! I don't even care about the program... I just want that cool ray-gun icon in my applications folder! This is a brilliant marketing idea, and the price has already dropped to $7.15 as of this writing.
UPDATE: More good news... an exclusive internet trailer for Clerks2 is up! Sweet!
Last night as I was driving home, two girls ran across the street in front of me on a rural road. Not knowing what was going on, I stopped the car. Then I noticed that a small boy was also wanting to cross, so I waved him onward so he could catch up to the two girls (who really should have been watching him closer). Good thing he was smart enough to stop and look both ways, or else I very well might have ran him over.
So there I am sitting in my car as the boy waves and starts to run across. All of a sudden, his shoe comes off. Does he grab the shoe and continue across the street?
No.
He sits down right in front of my car and proceeds to put his shoe back on.
Ordinarily, this would have annoyed me greatly, but I was fascinated. It was like a sudden moment of clarity when I realized that this kid had it all figured out. Rather than panic and try to solve two problems at once, he stopped and worked on the problem at hand before moving on.
A minute later, he pops up, waves at me again, then runs across the street to the two girls who seem very upset with the poor tyke.
It's amazing how little moments like this can have such an effect on me.
Yesterday I made the decision to shut down my blog.
No joke, it was really going to happen. The entire hosting fiasco had just gotten to be too much, and I honestly didn't know where to go with it. Yahoo! is not working out. I got a lot of recommendations from people as to other hosting services but, every time I checked into them, I found out that Movable Type users had been banned there for excessive CPU usage (this includes Dreamhost, and everybody else I tried).
No thanks. Once was enough. This "blogging thing" which was supposed to be a hobby had suddenly become a liability that I don't need. I simply don't have the time or energy to try and maintain three blogs during a second move. Everything is a mess, and I just don't need it. Enough is enough, and it was time to move on.
But then a little boy stopped to put on his shoe in front of my car.
And suddenly I realized that I don't have to stress about it. All I have to do is stop, solve the problem at hand, and move on. Who cares if my email is down for a while. Who cares if my blog is inaccessible for a bit. Who cares if everything is a mess. Just solve the problem at hand and THEN finish crossing the street.
So... I've done that. I think.
In the meanwhile, I'm sorry if I don't get your emails. I'm sorry if some comments get lost during the move. I'm sorry if things don't work right for a while. But I'm not going to worry about it. Eventually everything will work out. Eventually everything will be okay. I'm not stressing over a silly blog that shouldn't mean as much as it does.
One thing at a time. And it's time to move. Again.
So, if you like reading Blogography, and are happy that I've found a way to keep on going... you can thank a little boy who stopped to tie his shoe in front of my car yesterday.
It's amazing what you can learn if you just stop the car.
And so I'm moving.
Again.
Changing hosting companies is a huge mess that I never really wanted to experience. But, lucky me, this is the third time I've had to do it in three days. I am documenting my pain in an extended entry, so feel free to read it if you are interested (or ignore it if you aren't).
With luck, everything will be sorted out in a day or two. Until then, I am screaming a lot.
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
You know... just when you think things can't get any shittier, that's usually when they do.
Thanks to a lot of hard work and the kindness of one incredibly generous person, I am very close to climbing out of the nightmare of getting my blog re-hosted. It has been a totally crappy four days, but it's almost over. Then BLAM! I get f#@%ed by PayPal!
This lovely piece of email lands in my inbox...
PayPal is committed to maintaining a safe environment for its community of buyers and sellers. Our team employs the most advanced systems in the world to protect the security of your account.
During a recent review of our system, we determined that you received funds from an account that reportedly has been associated with possible unauthorized use. In accordance with PayPal's Seller Protection Policy, the following transaction has been reversed...
WTF?!?
THEY accepted the charge, and yet it's MY problem?
And what kind of bullshit is "POSSIBLE unauthorized use"??
It's POSSIBLE that aliens have replaced world leaders with pod people. It's POSSIBLE that Elvis is still alive. It's POSSIBLE that PayPal is a giant scam. It's POSSIBLE that diamonds might shoot out of my ass...
So PayPal steals MY F#@&ING MONEY because of a "possible" problem. No proof is offered. I'm just supposed to take their word for it. No mention on whether they will reinstate my money if the charge is proved to be valid. No mention on me getting any evidence whatsoever as to this ALLEGED claim of "unauthorized use".
This is bullshit.
I wrote and asked for the evidence that this is, IN FACT, an unauthorized charge. Who knows if I will ever see it. I'm probably just f#@%ed, which is fantastic. Not only am I going to be out $12.90... I'm also out $4.05 in shipping... and $7.95 in shirt and materials.
I just had to pay hundreds of dollars to host my blog, and now T-shirts that I sell at near-cost out of the goodness of my heart, have just screwed me out of $25.
What's coming next?
UPDATE: I got an email from somebody saying: "If somebody stole YOUR credit card and bought a shirt don't you think that you should get your money back? Being ripped off by credit card thieves is part of owning a business and you need to grow up". First of all... the person who bought the shirt has no idea why the transaction was flagged as "possible unauthorized use" - NEITHER OF US DO! Even better, the buyer didn't even know that there was a problem until I wrote and told them! PayPal never bothered to contact them! So basically, PayPal says there is a "possible problem" but there is NO evidence provided to either buyer OR seller, and THAT is what I am upset about. And this is not an email scam, because the reversal of the money credit is showing up in my PayPal account. Second of all... Even if there IS fraud, "my business" WAS NOT THE ONE WHO TOOK THE CREDIT CARD! PayPal accepted the credit card! And they aren't doing it for FREE, I get billed fees every time. I mean, seriously... if I was the one who took the card and the charge was bogus... is it fair that I turn around and bill the company who printed the shirts for my loss?? No. In any event PayPal needs to provide evidence that there is wrong-doing OR GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK!!
LINK OF THE YEAR: I keep forgetting to mention THE TRUTH. This is where I get all my news... Ze does the thinking, so I don't have to. Somebody give him a correspondent gig on The Daily Show ASAP.
If you hadn't already guessed, I am a very self-centered person. The entire world revolves around me, and if something doesn't affect me, I really don't care about it. In order to understand the New World Order, I have made these helpful illustrations to explain it to you...
It's quite simple, really. Some people might call me a narcissist, but I prefer to think of it as "reality". Unfortunately, not everybody understands how reality is supposed to work.
Here's an example...
I am terrible at remembering dates. I can barely remember when my own birthday is, let alone somebody else's birthday. This can be quite embarrassing with my friends, and so I've come up with a way to fix it. What I do is go to the Hallmark Card Shop at the beginning of every year and buy about thirty "Happy Belated Birthday" cards. I fill them all out for my friends and stick them in my sock drawer. Then, when I find out that it's my birthday, I realize that other people have birthdays too, and so I go to my sock drawer and mail the belated birthday wished to all my friends.
It's not a perfect system, but I've been doing it for years and it works for me.
Except this year I even forgot about the cards, so they didn't get mailed until a week ago.
Then this morning I get a phone call...
Mobile Phone: Ring! Ring! Ring!
Dave: Hello.
Meagan: YOU ASSHOLE! IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU FORGET MY BIRTHDAY EVERY YEAR AND SEND ME THIS BELATED SHIT... BUT NOW YOU ARE SENDING BELATED-BELATED BIRTHDAY CARDS?!? WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO WORK THE CALENDAR IN YOUR COMPUTER?!? IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU TYPE MY F#@%ING NAME IN SO THAT I ACTUALLY GET A BIRTHDAY CARD ON MY BIRTHDAY? WHAT THE F#@%?!?!
Dave: Uhhhh. Okay. When is your birthday again?
Meagan: AGAIN?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN "AGAIN"?? YOU NEVER KNEW IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW ASSHOLE!! EVERY YEAR YOU SEND ME A BELATED CARD 330 DAYS LATE, BUT THIS YEAR YOU ACTUALLY SENT IT ON TIME, BUT YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, AND SO HERE I AM GETTING THIS BELATED SHIT!!
Dave: Yes. I can see how you might be upset about that...
Meagan: UPSET?!? UPSET?!?! DO I EVER F#@%ING FORGET YOUR F#@%ING BIRTHDAY? NO! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?!? BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO USE A F#@%ING CALENDAR!!
Dave: That is pretty bad. Hey, did you watch Veronica Mars last night?
Meagan: Oh yeah... can you believe that XXXX totally XXXX to XXXX and got him XXXX in that stadium? How cool was that?*
(* mad-libbed to prevent spoilerage)
I think I'm safe.
Until next year, anyway.
But here's the problem. That card was actually for last year's birthday. And so now I am confused as to what to do. Since her birthday is tomorrow, I could send a new card for this year's birthday, but it would have to be another belated card because it won't get there tomorrow. But if I send a belated card, then that means I have to remember not to send another belated card next year for this year. But if I do that, then forget to send the card the next year, then this year's card should have been for next year's birthday, but it says "belated" when it really isn't.
Crap. Maybe this actually would be a lot easier if I learned how to work my calendar.
Hopefully Veronica Mars will get a third season, because then I can worry about this in 2008 and focus on more important things. Like me.
I finally got a response from PayPal regarding my request for any actual evidence that a shirt payment was, in fact, unauthorized.... "We are not able to disclose any information for an ongoing investigation, Please help us with our investigation by responding to any question we have so we can verify that you are covered for the transactions."
Uhhhh, why are you not able to give me any information? Who's stopping you? I'm not asking for account numbers or any sensitive stuff... just a copy of notice that caused you to reverse the transaction so I can verify it with the bank. Since you are holding ME accountable for this shit, isn't that the very least you can do?
This is great. PayPal can take your money without any explanation. When you ask for an explanation, they won't give you one. Not only that, but they won't tell me if I will get the money back if the charge is found to be authorized. As far as I know, they will be keeping my money no matter what happens.
PayPal has got to be one of the biggest scams ever.
Since they will provide me with no proof, no evidence, and no information... I am just supposed to take their word for it that there is a problem? Well, I'm sorry, but if you won't tell me anything I have no choice but to look at this as theft. PayPal has stolen money from my account.
You steal from me mutha-f#@%er, and you had better run.
Do not make me fly down to San Jose and collect my $12.90. Trust me when I say that you do not want that.
I have been spending my PayPal money as fast as I can before they steal any more of it. Who knows... they might suddenly decide that ALL of my transactions have "possible problems."
What assholes.
Given all the outrageous shit that they do to people on a regular basis, why aren't they under investigation for fraud?
If you have a PayPal account, you might want to start looking for alternatives. This is a very scary company.
Yesterday was one of the greatest days ever because my Batman Legos arrived. But do I have time to put together my Bat-mobile, Bat-plane, Bat-boat, and Bat-dragster?? No. No I do not. And why haven't I had time to play with my new toys? Because my blog is still completely messed up. I got an email last night telling me that most of the links on my Best Of page are broken. A quick check of my server logs shows hundreds upon hundreds of "Page Not Found" errors... broken links everywhere.
It turns out that there is a major, major problem with Movable Type. I'm not going to go into it just yet but, suffice to say, if you are an MT user I've put the whole story in an extended entry and you should read it. For everybody else, it's time for BULLET POINTS!!
• Campaign. All next week I will be participating in Kevin's "grassroots campaign" to promote Paul Davidson's new book The Lost Blogs. This is a great opportunity to blog as somebody else for a while, so I'm looking forward to it.
• Celebrate. The week after that is Blogography's Kick-Ass Blogiversary III Celebration, which means it's going to be a busy few weeks. I don't want to give anything away... but prizes will be involved.
• Vegas. The show Las Vegas gave a nice shout-out to my favorite charitable organization, Doctors Without Borders, in last night's episode. This is one of those shows that surprises me with its consistency... you can always count on being entertained when you tune in (though part of that might be due to my infatuation with Mary, Sam, and Delinda on the show).
• Loopy. On the other end of the television spectrum, FOX has unleashed a new show called The Loop upon an unsuspecting nation. I tuned in because it stars that kid who was the next-door neighbor in Grounded for Life, only to be subjected to the stupidest half-hour of television I've seen in a long, long time. How in the heck did this show get greenlit?
• Cheese. Holy crap! I just went to make myself a sandwich and found out that I'm out of Tillamook Medium Cheddar Cheese! WHY?!? OH LORD, WHY ME??? IS THERE NOTHING SACRED? WAAAHHHHH!
Today, I am a man without cheese. =sob!=
I guess I have to run to the store before I can play with my Batman Legos.
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Tomorrow begins five days of "lost-blogging" for Kevin's "grassroots campaign" to promote Pauly's new The Lost Blogs book. Even though I've known about it for around two-and-a-half months now, I just haven't decided on which historical figure I was going to blog as. No matter who I thought might make a good choice for a "mystery game", I had no idea how to make it go on for five days. There's just too much to figure out and, if somebody guesses your pick on the first day, you're screwed. I had toyed with the idea of picking a new person for each day, but I don't think that's allowed by the rules.
I finally just wrote all nine of my candidates on slips of paper, put them in a cup, then picked one.
Who I ended up with doesn't surprise me as much as how I've decided to write for them.
This is either going to end up being a lot of fun (in which case I'll give myself a pat on the back for my ingenuity), or it's going to be a disaster of biblical proportions (in which case I'll blame Kevin). In any event, I'm very interested in seeing how everybody else is going to handle this challenge. Knowing how hard it is, I don't know that I can bring myself to post guesses on other "lost-blogger" sites in case I'm right.
Back to the blogging front...
After almost two full days of trying to fix links that Movable Type has broken, I'm giving up. The problem is just too extensive to be repaired. Any entry that had its name changed, or whose name was duplicated... even YEARS APART... is now named something entirely different. This is really devastating to me, because I pride myself on not breaking links. I would go on another rant about how stupid it is that Movable Type makes no effort to warn you about such a serious KNOWN bug, but I'm too tired. So let me once again thank Six Apart for taking three years of hard work maintaining my links and flushing it down the toilet... I appreciate that.
The up-side is that I am in good company.
I was utterly shocked at how many outgoing links I have that are broken. Not only to other blogs, but to major companies like Sony, BMW, OreIda, and many others. At first I thought that these companies were stupid for not comprehending the importance of maintaining link history, but then I thought perhaps they run their sites on Movable Type and it's not their fault.
Links are what MAKE the internet. Doesn't anybody understand that?
I am almost to the point where I don't want to create another outbound link ever again. But what fun is that?
This morning I had set my alarm an hour early to 4:30am so that I could write my first "Lost Blogs" entry. As it turns out, that was hardly necessary, because I was awoken by a loud pounding on my door shortly after 4:00am. "Mr. Simmer? Mr. Simmer are you there?" a voice shouted from outside. Worried that the racket would wake up my neighbors and give them even more reason to torment me, I rushed to answer.
Standing there was a smallish man with a pink face who was dressed in a drab, wrinkled suit and a brown overcoat that was too big for him. Without an invitation, the man (who introduced himself only as "Professor Blattenthorp") rushed passed me to the dining room table, talking a mile a minute.
It turns out that professor had purchased a book at an estate sale, and found the last page of a letter inside of it. It was undated, faded, and badly torn, so the author was not known. The only thing that could be identified was my name, and a web address for Blogography! The letter appeared to pre-date the internet by a wide margin, so the professor was quite anxious to know about it. The contents of the document seemed wildly impossible, yet all evidence pointed to it being real...
The professor had written out the contents as follows...
I find myself in a state of disbelief as to what has just occurred.
I was tending to my dismal finances, as is my custom most evenings, when suddenly I see a golden glow emanating from behind me. In haste I turn around to discover a rather tall gentleman has appeared as if from thin air! He is dressed in strange attire, the likes of which I have never seen. He is ruggedly handsome, with a tousle of dark hair and a well-trimmed beard. There is an aura about him which I cannot explain, but I had an immediate sense to trust him implicitly.
Once I had gathered my senses, I bade this stranger to tell me his name. I learn that he is called "David Simmer" and he has a favor to ask of me. From out of his satchel he hands me a smooth metal box with rounded corners. It is of a dull silver color... aluminum perhaps... and I am guessing it measures approx. 14-inches by 9-inches and is an inch thick. Mr. Simmer tells me that this is a "Macintosh" (though it looks nothing of apples!) and it possesses a magical connection to the future.
I scoff at his unbelievable tale, yet he assures me he speaks the truth. As if to prove himself, he presses a small latch on the metal box and it opens and comes to life! It seems all at once impossible and magical, but I soon learn that this "Macintosh" is indeed a link to the future. "And what would you have me do with this device?" I asked. The stranger laughs warmly, and then lays a gentle hand upon my shoulder. "My friend", he replies, "I want nothing more than your thoughts of life in this time. Your hopes, your dreams, your experiences... all the things you find interesting about your world here. I ask that you keep a journal, as a link from my time to yours, so that I might know better how you live here in this primitive past!"
And then David Simmer vanished, as if he had never been.
I must admit to being skeptical of his ask, but the overwhelming trust and affection I feel for this stranger forbade me to decline. And thus I have begun to write in this wondrous device as a matter of course. I am told that if a future-person wishes to read of my journal, he has nothing more to do than to navigate his own Macintosh to the address that follows:
https://www.blogography.com/lostblogs
Yours very sincerely,
???
Naturally, I know nothing about it. The "ruggedly handsome" part certainly sounds like me though, and so I can only assume that this is a reference to my future-self or something. But, despite it all, I tell the professor that it is absolutely impossible for there to be such a URL on Blogography, because I just moved hosting companies, and would have seen it. He then tells me that he verified the link in the document immediately after finding it, which was just around midnight. After that, he drove straight from Idaho to my door seeking answers.
I laughed in his face, because I was certain that such a link does not exist at Blogography, and decided to prove it to him. I wake up me beloved Macintosh G4 Cube and type it in.
It turns out that the link is real.
I don't know how. I don't know why. But it's there: https://www.blogography.com/lostblogs is an actual, working URL on my site.
I have no idea what is happening, but it seems that the "me" from the future has decided to take care of this "Lost Blogs" thing for me. So, as it turns out, I get to play along with the rest of you in an attempt to figure out the identity of this "lost blogger". I can only guess that new entries will appear every day this week, but you can read the first one here.
Those of you wanting to make guesses as to this "lost blogger's" identity should send me an email at the address in my sidebar. Comments with guesses will not be approved! Who knows, there might be a prize for the first person to guess correctly! But remember the rules... you only get ONE GUESS... so make sure you're sure about who it is before contacting me, because any subsequent guesses by the same person will be tossed out.
If you want to learn more about Pauly's book (or pre-order a copy), visit The Lost Blogs site!
Blogs are so cool.
Originally, I liked having a blog because it was a way to let my friends know where I was at and what I was doing. Then I liked having a blog because it let me bitch about stuff that was bothering me. Then I liked having a blog because the comments allowed me to interact with readers and find other blogs to read. Then I liked having a blog because of all the nifty people I was meeting.
And now?
Now I like having a blog because of free socks.
Yes! Free socks! A couple days ago I got a comment on my entry "I Want a Gun" from Jon, who runs a most excellent site called "Drive Right, Pass Left" (which is all about those dumbasses who drive in the left-side passing lane WITHOUT PASSING ANYBODY, which drives me insane). He was nice enough to send me a few stickers (one of which is now on my backpack), a license plate frame (which is going on my car ASAP), and a pair of socks with his site's logo embroidered on them...
At first I thought that the socks were just a fun novelty, but I tossed them in the wash and decided to try them on today. HANDS-DOWN THE MOST COMFORTABLE SOCKS I HAVE EVER WORN! Seriously, they stretch-fit so there's no bunching in your shoe. The seams are imperceptible, so they don't rub against your toes. They have some kind of miracle fabric that keeps your feet cool. These are NOT some crappy novelty... they are truly awesome socks. Jon didn't cheap-out here, he went for "Sock Guy" socks, which I had never heard of, but am now in love with.
Naturally, I am so jealous of Jon and his personalized socks that I can barely stand it. I want custom socks of my own!
Unfortunately, I don't have $650 burning a hole in my pocket to place a minimum order. Oh well. I'll just have to be happy dreaming of socks. Thanks Jon!
And in non-sock-related news...
It looks as though another "Lost Blogs" entry has appeared over at DaveSpace!
I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that out of all the participating bloggers, I've guessed just ONE "lost blogger", and even that one I'm not 100% sure about.
Those of you wanting to make guesses as to my "lost blogger's" identity should send me an email at the address in my sidebar. Comments with guesses will not be approved! Who knows, there might be a prize for the first person to guess correctly! But remember the rules... you only get ONE GUESS... so make sure you're sure about who it is before contacting me, because any subsequent guesses by the same person will be tossed out. Good luck!
If you want to learn more about Pauly's book (or pre-order a copy), visit The Lost Blogs site!
Cheaters! I have cheaters reading my blog!
Ever since moving to a new hosting company, I've been closely monitoring my error stats to see if there's anything that needs to be fixed. Today when I checked, I noticed a bunch of people typing in "lostblogs/daythree.html" and "lostblogs/daythr.html" and "lostblogs/day3.html" - apparently looking for the next "lost blogger" entry a day early (even though it didn't exist yet). Cheaters!
Ha! I can only DREAM about being organized enough to write something a day in advance.
Sorry, but everything at Blogography is baked fresh daily, baby!
Most of my entries are written first thing in the morning (like today!). I wake up, grab my trusty PowerBook to check my email, and something pops into my head to write or draw. If it turns out okay, I post it. But most of the time I let it sit until my lunch break so I can read it over and make sure I didn't say anything stupid. But since I always say something stupid, I usually try to make it less stupid and then post it. On rare occasions I can't think of anything to write about, and it's not until dinnertime that I get around to writing. In any event, I don't write ahead. Even while lost-blogging, which I'll be cooking up after this.
Oh, and before I forget... I have the bestest blog posse ever (yes, this means you!). Two days ago I was lamenting over my broken links and got a suggestion from Blogography reader Wejn on how to fix it. When I didn't understand what to do... he wrote the fix for me. I've installed it, and now my problems are solved. How cool is that? Thanks Wejn! An extra Blogography cookie for you today, fresh from the oven!
And while I am passing out cookies, I cannot forget about Bre, who left the 7000th comment here yesterday. Congratulations Bre, You just won a Blogography T-Shirt! Email me your address and the size you want to claim your prize.
And in non-baking-related news...
There's another "Lost Blogs" entry over at DaveSpace! Click here to read it!
I am hopelessly addicted to reading all 40 participants now, and many of them are getting really interesting!
Those of you wanting to make guesses as to my "lost blogger's" identity should send me an email at the address in my sidebar. Comments with guesses will not be approved! Who knows, there might be a prize for the first person to guess correctly! But remember the rules... you only get ONE GUESS... so make sure you're sure about who it is before contacting me, because any subsequent guesses by the same person will be tossed out. Good luck!
If you want to learn more about Pauly's book (or pre-order a copy), visit The Lost Blogs site!
When I was younger, I had braces installed by one of the finest orthodontists money could buy. Unfortunately, he was a bit of a quack, and never managed to fix my teeth properly (particularly my lower teeth). I went back years later and he tried again, but his dumbass "solution" to remedy the situation just made everything worse. My teeth are now falling apart because of uneven pressure points. Every once in a while, I bite wrong and pieces of tooth break off that I then have to go get fixed.
It really sucks ass. And, because of all these problems, I hate going to the dentist with a passion.
So can you guess where I got to go first thing this morning?
The only thing worse than the actual work being done is the bill that follows. Argh.
Needless to say, I am not a happy camper today.
And in non-tooth-related news...
I am way behind in reading my email. So totally behind that I probably won't be caught up until Easter. I promise that I am not ignoring those people who are patiently waiting for an reply... but I've just been really busy trying to get all my work done so that my half-day at the dentist doesn't make me have to work the holiday weekend.
Of all the lost bloggers, I've only identified eight (I think). I'm not good at this game at all, but remain surprised that nobody has guessed my historical figure yet. I suppose not everybody looks at things like I do, or expresses themselves like I do, so they are missing the clues? Oh well, since tomorrow is the last day, I'll be revealing just about everything...
Oh yeah, the penultimate "Lost Blogs" entry is now up over at DaveSpace! Click here to read it!
Those of you wanting to make guesses as to my "lost blogger's" identity should send me an email at the address in my sidebar. Comments with guesses will not be approved! Who knows, there might be a prize for the first person to guess correctly! But remember the rules... you only get ONE GUESS... so make sure you're sure about who it is before contacting me, because any subsequent guesses by the same person will be tossed out. Good luck!
If you want to learn more about Pauly's book (or pre-order a copy), visit The Lost Blogs site!
My historical "lost blogger" has been identified!
Congratulations to Firda and Alexis who wrote in with the correct identity within minutes of each other. They will each be receiving a fashionable T-shirts from the Artificial Duck Store for free!
But don't despair! You still have a chance to win a shirt of your own! You still only get ONE guess, but if you email the correct answer before midnight tomorrow (PST/Seattle Time), you'll be entered in a drawing to win a runner-up free-shirt coupon. Tomorrow's entry reveals even more tasty clues as to the identity, so you might want to wait until then before sending in your ONE guess! Good luck!
UPDATE: I should mention that everybody has a clean slate now. If you sent in a wrong guess before, you have another shot to get in the drawing if your new guess is correct.
Helpful Hint...
I am a very visual person. The best clues are NOT in the words... look elsewhere. EVERY SINGLE IMAGE ON THE PAGE MEANS SOMETHING. With the exception of the header and the header ad, everything is a clue!
Yesterday on the way home from the dentist I stopped at K-Mart to get a pizza. That sounds strange, I know, but I kind of like the "Little Caesar's Pizza Station" there. It's the best of the worst pizzas in town, and a 14-incher only costs $5. K-Mart is kind of a strange place. Once upon a time, it was the "bargain basement" store in town, and people put up with the low quality, imitation-brand merchandise because it was cheap. But then along comes Wal-Mart, and suddenly K-Mart is caught with their Wrangler's around their ankles. No longer are they the best bargain in town. Wal-Mart has blue-light specials on every item all the time.
So K-Mart hunkers down and retools. They can't really compete with Wal-Mart (who can?) so they start getting exclusives (like Joe Boxer and the Martha Stewart stuff) and tries to serve the middle ground with good merchandise as decent prices. But it's a crowded field, because there are a lot of stores in that arena. I don't shop K-Mart very often because my favorite store in that space is Target (nothing personal, I just prefer their stuff).
So when I get to K-Mart, I order my pizza and then go shopping while I wait for it to cook. Most of the bargain shoppers frequent Wal-Mart, but you still get an occasional penny-pincher.
Like yesterday.
I make my way back to the grocery aisle so I can get some Pop-Tarts on sale (3 for $5) and find an older woman on her hands and knees, spreading out boxes of crackers on the floor. At first I think that she fell while carrying an arm-load of crackers, so I run up to see if I can help. But she waves me away and says that she's "doing fine". This puzzles me greatly, because none of the boxes are marked with prices and there's no special offers printed on any of them. The price is on the shelf. And then I realize what's happening... she is actually looking at the UPC codes and comparing them. At least I think that's what it happening. I guess that she thinks a UPC code with a lower number would be cheaper?
I suppose I should have found a way to explain it to her, but she made it clear that she didn't want my help. I still have no idea what was going through her head. A part of me hopes that wide-scale deployment of RFID technology is a ways off yet, because I can't imagine what this woman is going to do once price tags AND UPC codes aren't used anymore. She won't have anything to look for.
Anyway...
Here it is... the final "Lost Blogs" entry is now up over at DaveSpace! Click here to read it!
Those of you wanting to make guesses as to my "lost blogger's" identity should send me an email at the address in my sidebar. Comments with guesses will not be approved! The "main prize" has already been won, but everybody who sends me a correct guess between now and midnight Seattle time (PST) will be entered in a runner-up prize giveaway for a free Blogography T-shirt. But remember the rules... you only get ONE GUESS... so make sure you're sure about who it is before contacting me, because any subsequent guesses by the same person will be tossed out. Good luck!
If you want to learn more about Pauly's book (or pre-order a copy), visit The Lost Blogs site!
The identity of my "lost blogger" from this week is revealed and explained in an extended entry. Don't read any further unless you are totally stumped! If you are new to the game, and want to give it a try, read the introduction here and then the entries are here: Day One, Day Two, Day Three, Day Four, Day Five. And for those 40 of you who entered a correct guess in the runner-up drawing, I'll be posting the T-shirt winner tomorrow (Sunday) after I've found somebody to draw a name out of a hat for me.
Thanks to Kevin for coming up with such a great idea, Pauly for writing The Lost Blogs book, and to all of you who participated. I had a lot of fun with the project. But the fun has only just begun here at Blogography! Starting Monday, it's another week of entirely new big fun...
And now... it's time for the reveal...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Well, The Lost Blogs Grassroots Blogger Marketing Campaign is now over, and I am exhausted. On top of having to write two entries every day, I also made daily rounds of the 40 blogs that were participating, which left little time for anything else. I have 63 non-spam emails in my in-box. I have hundreds of entries from the 224 web feeds I subscribe to that need to be read. A big chunk of my Easter Sunday is going to be spent in bed with my PowerBook just trying to get caught up.
But it was all worth it. I had a great time, and there were some very interesting reads among the participants. In fact, I dare say that I did not find a single one that didn't entertain or educate me in some way. On top of all that, lounging around in bed reading email and blogs isn't the worst way to spend the day.
And speaking of a good way to spend time, I went to see the film Thank You for Smoking and enjoyed it immensely...
This is not a movie for everybody, but I was completely hooked in the opening minutes and was laughing out loud more than once during the film. The story revolves around Nick Naylor who is a lobbyist for big tobacco, and spends his days defending the right of people everywhere to smoke and get cancer. And though the movie features great guest spots by William H. Macy, Rob Lowe, and many others... the really interesting stuff happens when Nick is with his son. That's where you get to understand why Nick is the way he is and how he is able to do the things he does. It's in these moments that a one-note story with only superficial satire becomes a brilliant commentary on the human condition.
Most of the praise for how much I liked this movie can be placed on Aaron Eckhart, who's portrayal of Nick was note-perfect in every scene. He approaches each new situation with an almost child-like sense of wonder that never for a moment has you disliking the character despite the "morally flexibility" in things he does. Eckhart has a scene where Nick gets to fly on a private jet for the first time. Even though the scene itself does absolutely nothing to progress the story, Eckhart speaks volumes for his character in the way he reacts to this new environment. Just one of many magical moments that make Thank You for Smoking one of the best films I've seen in quite a while.
And, while I am on the subject of Aaron Eckhart, can I just say it's amazing how he can completely change from movie to movie? He's like a chameleon who has me struggling to see him as anything except the character he's being at the moment. From In The Company of Men to Erin Brockovich to Nurse Betty to Suspect Zero... he somehow manages to elevate even crappy films like Paycheck and The Core to watchable fare. I can't wait to see what he does next.
In other good news, James Bow was kind enough to send me a review copy of his new book The Unwritten Girl...
Because of how much stuff I've got going on, I had thought I would just read a chapter or two so I could say something about the story here, then read the rest once I got caught up with everything.
But one chapter led to another, and I didn't stop until I had read the whole thing (and once you've read the book, you'll understand why that's kind of ironic!).
The Unwritten Girl is a terrific fantasy-adventure read that's categorized as "Young-Adult Fiction" but, like Harry Potter, can easily be enjoyed by anyone. It tells the story of a young girl named Rosemary whose brother (literally) becomes lost in a book, and it's up to her and a friend named Peter to try and rescue him. What follows is a clever blend of fantasy and reality that kept me turning pages until the very end.
One of the things that I enjoy about James' writing is how his character dialogue seems so natural. I had mentioned once how envious I was that it was so easy for him to create such "real" people, only to have him assure me that he works very hard to get it right. This makes me feel better about how difficult I find it to write good dialogue, but now I can't help but wonder if he was just saying that to make me feel better. The Unwritten Girl certainly makes it seem effortless! In any event, congratulation James for a job well done, and I am looking forward to your next book!
Before I jump into it, I am happy to announce that I found somebody to help me draw a winner in the runner-up T-shirt drawing from the 41 correct guesses I received. Congratulations to Gary, who joins Firda and Alexis as the lost blogger winners! And thanks again to everybody who took a guess. If you didn't win, don't be too sad, because there will be plenty of new opportunities to win something this week. And on that note...
w00t! My blogiversary is here! Back when I started three years ago, I never thought things would come this far. Blogography began as a way to stay in touch with a half-dozen friends while I travel, but has turned into something much more (for anybody who is interested, I wrote all about my humble beginnings last blogiversary). Even more amazing to me than having lasted this long, is that so many have come along for the ride. Thanks to all of you who have made the past three years such a great experience!
And to mark this momentous occasion, it's time for the Blogiversary III Kick-Ass Celebration...
Over the next four days, I'll be giving away fabulous prizes valued at over ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS...
Yes, you read that correctly. Once again I'll be passing out loads of stuff that I think makes life worth living. I am giving back to you, dear reader, for all that you've given to me. So write yourself a note and don't forget to drop by every day for the next four days to check out all the cool crap you can win... and be sure to check back Sunday to see if you've won it!
Good luck everybody!
And now it's time for the rules. You might want to take a minute to read them, because I'll be referring to this stuff each day...
Dave Approved!
All of the merchandise being given away is new and factory-sealed. This is not a bunch of crap that I don't want, but fresh copies of merchandise I already love and own. All prizes are offered "as-is" and I make no warranty or promise as to their contents or condition of arrival. Any problem you experience with the merchandise will need to be handled directly with the manufacturer. If necessary, you can request to have individual prizes removed from prize packages if you do not wish the item(s), or are living somewhere which prohibits the item(s).
Blogiversary Contest!
Last year, all you had to do was send an email in order to be entered into the drawings. This year, you're going to have to work for it! The final three day's prizes will be accompanied by a contest. In order to be entered in the drawing, you'll have to pass a little test first! HOWEVER... if you have left ten or more comments here between April 25th, 2005 and April 16th, 2006... you are automatically eligible to enter, and don't have to take a quiz at all. This is just my way of rewarding those of you who make my blog so much better by leaving comments (if you are unsure about how many comments you've left, just go to the search page, enter your commenter name in the search box, then select "search comments only" and count the results that fall within the dates given). Frequent commenters get other benefits as well, so stay tuned!
Prize Availability!
Some of the merchandise being offered as prizes is made-to-order, and will not be available until mid-May. NO PRIZES WILL BE SENT BEFORE THIS TIME! If you are expecting immediate shipment of your winnings after Blogiversary III Week, don't bother entering, because it ain't gonna happen. I will make every effort to send the prizes exactly as described or shown. However, if due to unforeseen circumstances I am forced to make a substitution, I reserve the right to do so. Sorry, but winners are not allowed to request a cash prize or make substitutions.
Winner Notification!
Winners will be announced here on Sunday, April 23rd using their first name and last initial. If you would prefer to be identified by a nick-name, it's not a problem... just let me know when you send in your entry. Winners will be notified via the return email address in their entry (please make sure your address is valid!).
Shipped to Order!
All of the larger prize packages (i.e., those valued at $50-$250 or more) include domestic shipping to the 48 States of the Continental USA via surface courier. If you live outside of the Continental USA, you can still enter the contests and drawings, but you will have to share in the shipping charges. Any amount above the cost of domestic shipment will be your responsibility. I will post estimated costs to different locations to try to help you decide whether it's worth it for you to enter. PLEASE DO NOT ENTER IF YOU DON'T WANT TO PAY YOUR SHARE OF THE SHIPPING COSTS! You are also responsible for any customs duties or taxes (if applicable). Insurance is not included in ANY shipment, so if you wish to insure your winnings, you have to pay for it yourself.
All rules are subject to change without notice
Sure I am wishing good luck to everybody, but I especially want you to win! Yes, you! Have fun.
SORRY! VOTING IS NOW CLOSED! No new entries are being accepted.
Every year I release a new T-shirt to celebrate my blogiversary. First there was the classic Blogography Logo T. This sublimely elegant piece of apparel is appropriate for even the most important occasions... from your wedding day to an audience with the Queen. Then came the Bad Monkey T. This cheeky statement of artistic vision is perfect for everything from dining with foreign dignitaries to making out with Paris Hilton. But one thing is for certain... no matter which shirt you choose, you're assured of being the best-dressed person in the room.
And now here we are a year later. So what's next?
I dunno. Why don't YOU tell ME?
This year I've got FOUR new Blogography designs, and it's up to YOU to vote for which one gets printed (close-ups of all four designs are in an extended entry)...
And since you are the one making the hard decisions, you're probably asking yourself "what's in it for me?"
Good question! How about this...
Everybody who sends in a vote will receive a valuable $10 OFF coupon to purchase any reguarly-priced shirt from the Artificial Duck store. That means you can pick up a classic white shirt for just $4.95* (+ shipping)... or the new color shirt for just $6.95* (+shipping). And these ain't no crappy iron-on designs... no way! Each shirt is custom silk-screened on premium quality Hanes Beefy-T's for the ultimate in comfort and durability!
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! Every voter will ALSO be entered in a drawing with TEN chances to win a FREE* T-shirt of your choice... all you pay is the shipping charges!
SORRY! VOTING IS NOW CLOSED! No new entries are being accepted.
It's almost too good to be true! So how do you vote? It's easy!
* Please note that this prize is for sizes S-XL. Larger sizes are available for an extra charge: 2XL is $1.00 extra, 3XL is $2.00 extra. Sizes bigger than 2X are not available in colors, but I'll be happy to print any design on a white shirt: 4XL is $3.00 extra, 5XL is $4.00 extra, 6XL is $5.00 extra.
Alrighty then! Take a look at the choices and get voting (one vote per person please!)...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
TODAYS'S PRIZES: Books valued at over $200!
SORRY! THIS DRAWING IS NOW CLOSED! No new entries are being accepted.
No matter how far technology advances, there is nothing that can quite compare to the old-fashioned experience of sitting down with a good book... you know, those things that have paper pages and require you to turn them to navigate the story?
When I first sat down to create a list of books that I love enough to include in this year's prizes, I quickly had 100 titles without even breaking a sweat. The first thing I did was remove the more obvious ones that people had probably either already read, or had heard of and decided not to read. I then went about choosing more eclectic books that would ensure a varied mix. Lastly, I thought that I would arrange a few surprises to make things interesting. What I ended up with was a pretty gosh-darn good list that I'm really happy with. Hopefully, you'll find something that piques your interest, because they're all worth reading...
Ooooh... and this year there's something REALLY special happening...
Instructions for how to enter this drawing are given in an extended entry, and you had better hurry! In order to enter you MUST enter before 9:00pm PST (Seattle time) TOMORROW (April 20th). Take a look at what you could win:
TODAY'S $150 "READ WITH DAVE" GRAND PRIZE INCLUDES...
AUTOGRAPHED BY THE AUTHOR!!
The Unwritten Girl by James Bow.
An imaginative tale of fantasy for "young adults" that is a great read for "older adults" too. Rosemary must enter the Land of Fiction to save her brother who has, quite literally, become lost in a book! Visit the book's website here, and check out James' blog here. I have written more about The Unwritten Girl here. (Value: $12.99)
AUTOGRAPHED BY THE AUTHOR!!
The Lost Blogs by Paul Davidson.
Long before I had ever heard of Pauly or his highly entertaining blog, I was a big fan of his first book. Now he has a brand new book where he has tirelessly compiled scores of unearthed "lost blogs" of famous historical figures from Jesus to Jim Morrison! Learn more at The Lost Blogs website. (Value: $13.95)
AUTOGRAPHED BY THE AUTHOR!!
Blurred Line by Cavan Terrill.
Cavan's cyberpunk novel Blurred Line, takes place in a 22nd century future where corporations have become governments, the net has become sentient, and androids are carving out their own future... free from the confines of their programming. Visit the Blurred Line website and Cavan's blog. (Value: $9.95)
Blogography T-Shirt.
How could this prize possibly be complete without your choice of one shirt from the Artificial Duck store? Silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the best-dressed person in the room... Dave not included! (Value: $14.95 to $16.95)
Last Chance to See by Douglas Adams.
This bittersweet novel documents celebrated author Douglas Adams as he sets out to see some of the world's most endangered species before they disappear. Sometimes sad, but always amusing, this is an incredibly important book that everybody should read. Includes terrific photos by zooligist Mark Carwardine. Wikipedia has a good article on Last Chance to See here. (Value: $14.95)
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.
You'd hardly expect that a story about the end of the world could be funny, but here's proof that any subject can make you laugh in the hands of comedy writer Douglas Adams! I included this book, because I worry most people just watched the movie and are blissfully unaware at how much better the original is. Sometimes books are much better in your head than on the screen. (Value: $7.99)
A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson.
I discovered Bill Bryson's work while stuck at an airport. After devouring his A Short History of Nearly Everything, I methodically tracked down and read every one of his books. He's probably the best travel writer I've ever read, and A Walk in the Woods is one of my favorites. Join Bryson as he hikes the length of the Appalachian Trail and laugh your ass off at the hilarity that ensues. (Value: $14.95)
Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Thanks to a series of crappy movies and crappier TV shows, most people have no idea how brilliant Tarzan is. All they remember is inane crap like "ME TARZAN, YOU JANE" and think he is some kind of grunting idiot that hangs out in the jungle with a monkey. The truth is shockingly different, and Tarzan of the Apes is a classic that everybody should read to know the true story. (Value: $4.95)
A Princess of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Edgar Rice Burroughs first story is a stunningly imaginative work that deftly combines elements of sci-fi, adventure, romance, and even a little mystery. Considering it was written in 1912, it was far ahead of its time too. Join Confederate soldier John Carter as he is transported to the planet Mars for the adventure of a lifetime. (Value: $6.50)
Noble House by James Clavell.
My favorite fiction novel ever, I have read Noble House at least a dozen times. Most famous for his book Shogun, Clavell crafts a huge story of contemporary Hong Kong that has a dizzying number of subplots to keep you occupied for hours. Exceedingly deep and complex, this novel has suspense, intrigue, espionage, romance, action and mystery so fascinating that you can't read it just once! (Value: $7.99)
Lightning by Dean Koontz.
Dean Koontz is best-known for his horror novels, which is a real shame... because Lightning gets ignored as "just another horror story" when it is anything but. It is actually a sci-fi time-travel novel with a nifty twist, and one of my favorite Koontz books. Every time I re-read it, I wonder why he doesn't write more sci-fi because he's really good at it! (Value: $7.99)
Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons.
I loathe to have the label "comic book" applied to Watchmen, but that's pretty much what we're stuck with. This definitive graphic novel by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons imagines what might happen if super-heroes existed in the real world rather than some goofy fictionalized version of it. The result is a breathtaking exploration of what comics could be, but rarely are. (Value: $19.99)
The Mighty Thor: Volume 2 by Walter Simonson.
I don't read comic books much anymore, but still like to pick up a graphic novel from time to time. Most recently, I've been re-reading all those great Thor stories by Walt Simonson, and thought that I would toss one into the mix. Volume 1 is sold out (and I ain't parting with mine!), so I've included a copy of Volume 2, jam-packed with Thunder-God action. (Value: $24.99)
And that's not all! This year you get two other chances to win...
TWO $25 "READ WITH DAVE" RUNNER-UP PRIZES INCLUDE...
Blogography T-Shirt.
How could this prize possibly be complete without your choice of one shirt from the Artificial Duck store? Silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the best-dressed person in the room. (Value: $14.95 to $16.95).
Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Thanks to a series of crappy movies and crappier TV shows, most people have no idea how brilliant Tarzan is. All they remember is inane crap like "ME TARZAN, YOU JANE" and think he is some kind of grunting idiot that hangs out in the jungle with a monkey. The truth is shockingly different, and Tarzan of the Apes is a classic that everybody should read to know the true story. (Value: $4.95)
A Princess of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Edgar Rice Burroughs first story is a stunningly imaginative work that deftly combines elements of sci-fi, adventure, romance, and even a little mystery. Considering it was written in 1912, it was far ahead of its time too. Join Confederate soldier John Carter as he is transported to the planet Mars for the adventure of a lifetime. (Value: $6.50)
Now how cool is all that? Brilliant reads enough to keep you busy for months! Better enter now before time runs out...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Response to Blogiversary III has, so far, been very different than I expected. But in a good way. I couldn't be happier, so thanks everybody!
IMPORTANT!: Leaving a comment does NOT enter you in any of the contests! You MUST send an email as mentioned in the entry instructions!
Anyway, I thought maybe a hundred people would vote for T-shirts... on the outside. I get large numbers of "unique visitors" to my home page on a daily basis, but only a small fraction of them leave comments or participate in Blogography stuff in any way. Well, this morning I awoke to a total which is rapidly approaching 300. If everybody who voted turns in their $10 coupon for a shirt, that's $3000 I've given away right there! Well, not really... I'd crap myself if I had to pay out $3000 in cash... it's far less than that, but still a very surprising response. I am most pleased!
And yes, the "Zombies Ate My Brain" shirt is ahead in the voting by a fairly large margin. But, given the unexpected response, I might not wait a full year before offering another design. I guess I'll wait and see how many people actually end up turning in their coupon and getting a shirt.
The "READ with DAVE" giveaway reaction has been strange indeed. I created a quiz for everybody who hasn't left 10 comments and made it a requirement to enter the drawing. This was meant to reward those who contribute to my blog by allowing them to enter without the hassle. But here's the thing... most everyone (and I'm talking 80% or better) who isn't required to take the quiz is doing it anyway! Apparently, searching through my blog for answers to simple questions is big fun, and I wasn't expecting that. Yet only 72 people have entered. Part of the reason is because international readers don't want to pay shipping charges on a heavy box of books, but I think there is a fair amount of people who aren't entering simply because they don't want to take five minutes and search for quiz answers. Yet those who don't have to do it are doing it anyway? Interesting.
I get a lot of people who are writing notes to me in their email entries, and questioning whether or not I read them. The answer is yes... I read every single email entry I get! But with 350+ to sort through, I'm a bit behind just now. :-)
See you in an hour with today's new prize giveaway!
TODAYS'S PRIZES: $200 worth of music (and stuff)!
SORRY! THIS DRAWING IS NOW CLOSED! No new entries are being accepted.
Coming up with a music prize is a very difficult thing to do. First of all, everybody has wildly different tastes. It's impossible to come up with a single solution that's going to make everybody happy. Second of all, if somebody likes a band, they're bound to have all their stuff already. So the challenge is to come up with something that isn't going to be too out of the mainstream, yet unique enough that people don't already own it. In the end, I simply selected stuff I like that I think can appeal to the widest audience without being too generic. Instructions for entering are in an extended entry.
And just in case the dumbasses at the RIAA are listening, these are all brand new CDs... I don't steal music...
Blogography T-Shirt.
How could I possibly create any prize without including a rockin' Blogography T-shirt from the Artificial Duck Store? Lovingly silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the coolest cat in even the hottest clubs... Liz & Dave not included! (Value: $14.95 to $16.95)
Minor Earth, Major Sky, by a-ha
Anybody who thinks that 80's pop band "a-ha" peaked with their hit Take on Me has absolutely no idea how wrong they are. The band went on to create some stunning albums that were never released in the USA because executives at record labels are dumbasses. Minor Earth, Major Sky is a mature, mellow work tempered with pop sensibility that results in some truly great songs. I get chills whenever such beautiful works as To Let You Win and I Wish I Cared get rotated into my shuffle play. But, to be completely honest, there's not a bad song in the bunch, and I never tire of listening to ANY of it. Who cares if it's a $25 import? Worth every penny! Since I can't give you a link to something THAT DOESN'T EXIST (at least for the American iTunes Music Store), I've put up a small MP3 snippet to whet your appetite: LetYouWin.mp3. (Value $25.49)
Lifelines, by a-ha
This follow-up to Minor Earth, Major Sky would be perfect if not for one of the stupidest songs ever: Oranges on Apple Trees. If you can ignore this one blight on an otherwise superb CD, you're in for a treat. Time & Again is probably one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard, and Turn Down The Lights features a duet with Anneli Drekker that is so achingly beautiful that it sends a chill though me just thinking about it. Again, I would love to point USA readers to a link so you could buy it from the iTMS, but it's not there. Instead, I'm posting small snippets so you can hear a bit of what you're missing: TimeAndAgain.mp3 and TurnDownLights.mp3. (Value $15.49)
The Shore, by The Shore
When I decided to do a "music day" for Blogiversary III, my first idea was to contact the management for The Shore and see if I could get a deal on 50 copies of their debut CD for prizes. But I didn't have enough time, and so I had to be content with including a copy of this brilliant work in the "LISTEN with DAVE" Grand Prize. Seriously though, I have no idea why this band isn't a mega-huge, chart-topping smash. They have a "classic rock" vibe to their music, and seem to be very much influenced by more modern bands like Coldplay and Oasis. I'd try to pick a favorite track but, with the exception of "Firefly" which is kind of a mess, I love them all equally. Even if you don't win this prize package, you should do yourself a favor and check out The Shore. If you are an iTunes user, here's a link for The Shote on the iTMS. (Value $11.99)
Title of Record, by Filter
As any fan of Nine Inch Nails can tell you, there ain't no substitute for the real thing. Unfortunately, this leaves us high and dry while waiting for "major" new releases (it took SIX YEARS between The Fragile and With Teeth!). The auxiliary releases around each new album help, but it's the cohesive albums I like best. In some respects, this doesn't bother me, because I'd rather have a few awesome albums and a single here and there instead of frequent releases of crap. But it is a bit frustrating, and I'm always looking for something to fill the void. Of all the wannabes, Filter is my favorite (possibly because member Richard Patrick is a former member of the touring band). This second album is more of a departure from the Nine Inch Nails sound than the first, but the remaining influences are great. For those looking for lighter fare, Title of Record has a couple of mellow tracks (including the haunting Take a Picture). If you have iTunes, have a listen at the iTMS. (Value $11.99)
Ultra, by Depeche Mode
Depeche Mode is one of those bands that I love so deeply that I fully admit to being biased toward liking most anything they do. But when it comes to Ultra, I don't have to put blinders on to appreciate it. This is, simply put, one of the best albums ever made, yet is somehow completely overlooked (even by Depeche Mode fans). Surprisingly, all this magic happened without musical genius Alan Wilder, who left DM after their mega-smash Violator album. Ultra is a very deep experience that is much darker and intense than previous efforts. My favorite song is probably Insight, but I loathe to choose just one. If you are an iTunes user, here's a link to this album on the iTMS. (Value $11.99)
Dive, by Sarah Brightman
Whenever Celine Dion is praised for her vocal stylings, I laugh my ass off thinking of how she positively pales in comparison to Sara Brightman. Sure Celine was pretty good back before she started whoring herself out in Vegas, but she hasn't really broken any new ground in over a decade. Sarah Brightman, on the other hand, is a stage performer who is legendary for belting out sensual vocals in such plays as "The Phantom of the Opera", yet has an eerie ability to subdue herself to an almost ethereal presence when required. It doesn't hurt that she's scorching hot on top of it all. Dive (released in 1993) is a successful attempt to cross over into more pop-oriented themes, and remains a favorite of mine when I want to mellow out. If you've got iTunes, here's a link to the album on the iTMS (if you go, be sure to check out her cover of Queen's Who Wants to Live Forever and, for a really good laugh, take a listen to her version of Don't Cry Argentina and marvel how Madonna ever had the balls to even attempt it). (Value $11.99)
Greatest Hits, by the Psychedelic Furs
This is one of those "one hit wonders" who never achieved wide-spread success outside of one major hit (Pretty in Pink). This is quite a shame, because there was some great stuff in their back-catalog, and they then went on to do some even more brilliant music. My iPod has such minor hits as Love My Way, Heaven, The Ghost In You, Heartbreak Beat, and Until She Comes in heavy rotation, and dearly wish that The Furs would come out with a new album. (Value $11.99)
And, just in case you aren't lucky enough to nab the "big prize", there's two other chances to win...
TWO $40 "LISTEN WITH DAVE" RUNNER-UP PRIZES INCLUDE...
Blogography T-Shirt.
How could I possibly create any prize without including a rockin' Blogography T-shirt from the Artificial Duck Store? Lovingly silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the coolest cat in even the hottest clubs... Dave not included! (Value: $14.95 to $16.95)
Minor Earth, Major Sky, by a-ha
Anybody who thinks that 80's pop band "a-ha" peaked with their hit Take on Me has absolutely no idea how wrong they are. The band went on to create some stunning albums that were never released in the USA because executives at record labels are dumbasses. Minor Earth, Major Sky is a mature work tempered with pop sensibility that results in some truly great songs. I get chills whenever such beautiful works as To Let You Win and I Wish I Cared get rotated into my shuffle play. But, to be completely honest, there's not a bad song in the bunch, and I never tire of listening to ANY of it. Who cares if it's a $25 import? Worth every penny! Since I can't give you a link to something THAT DOESN'T EXIST (at least for the American iTunes Music Store), I've put up a few MP3 snippets to whet your appetite: ToLetYouWin.mp3 and IWishICared.mp3. (Value $25.49)
And there you have it, enough music to put a dent in your iPod! Better get that entry in quickly...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
TODAYS'S PRIZES: $290 worth of DVDs (and stuff)!
SORRY! THIS DRAWING IS NOW CLOSED! No new entries are being accepted.
Coming up with prizes for a blogiversary celebration is a difficult task. Not only do you run the risk of picking out stuff that people don't want, but you have to make your prize world-friendly. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. Last year I did a food entry, and found out export of food items is prohibited to many countries. Books are heavy, so shipping is expensive. And when it comes to videos... well, that's the toughest of all. DVDs are "region encoded", which mean that they don't play outside of the area you bought them. Last year, I thought I would fix this by including both a DVD and a VHS videotape for each movie. Little did I know, this was even more stupid, because video formats are different around the world too. Apparently there's no real solution.So unfortunately, if you live outside of "Region 1" (the USA and Canada), you won't be able to watch any of today's prize-winning DVDs unless you have a "region-free" DVD player. Sorry, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. Please keep all this in mind if you live outside the USA and Canada and decide to enter. Though, I must say, this collection of brilliant video may well be worth tracking down a region-free player to watch...
Sweet! And away we go...
TODAY'S $200 "WATCH WITH DAVE" GRAND PRIZE INCLUDES...
Blogography T-Shirt
Even the best movie or television show pales in comparison to how cool you are when wearing a sweet Blogography T-shirt! Artfully silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the best-dressed person in the room... Dave not included! (Value: $14.95 to $16.95)
Veronica Mars: The Complete First Season
Yeah, big surprise considering I feel Veronica Mars is the best show on television. Period. The only show I've ever enjoyed more was another Rob Thomas creation, Jeremy Piven's Cupid. And to think I almost passed it up because I had thought it was going to be yet another high school drama crapfest. But NOOOOoooo! Veronica Mars is smart, funny, brilliant television with the best mysteries of any show yet seen. Veronica is a typical student at uber-posh Neptune High, until the murder of her best friend turns her world upside down. Now she helps her father run a private investigation office, all while helping her friends at school, and always trying to solve the biggest mystery of all: who killed Lilly Kane? Every episode is a piece of a bigger puzzle, with the ultimate solution so good that you'll be compelled to watch every episode all over again top spot the clues you missed. Highest possible recommendation. (Value: $49.95)
Wonderfalls: The Complete Series
As if to prove that ABC isn't the only television network that can destroy a brilliant television show with incompetent scheduling and marketing... FOX decided to screw one of the freshest, most interesting show they've ever had: Wonderfalls. Jaye Tyler is uninspired and going nowhere in life. She passes her time by working in a gift shop at Niagara Falls and avoiding meaningful interaction with people at all costs. But when inanimate objects start speaking to her, she's forced to get involved with not only her family, but complete strangers as well. Featuring funny, biting humor that's anchored by an amazing cast, Wonderfalls is must-see television that very few people got to see. (Value $39.95)
South Park: The Complete Second Season
South Park is one of those shows you either love or hate. You either appreciate it as some of the smartest, guttiest, satire of pop culture ever created... or condemn it as a crappily-animated cartoon with four foul-mouthed kids that should be banned from the air. Me? I love it for both reasons! The second season of South Park is probably one of my most favorite, mostly because it contains an episode devoted entirely to Terrance & Philip, who are probably my favorite animated characters ever. Sure this isn't a show for everybody, but if you can get past the potty humor, foul language, and sometimes disgusting antics... it remains brilliant commentary on just about everything going on in the world today. (Value: $49.95)
Cinema Paradiso: The Director's Expanded Edition
I can't stand romance movies. They're all so lame and cliched... with sappy dialogue and often totally unrealistic premises. Only rarely do I ever see a romance film that's worth a crap, and most of the time it's because they have something else to offer. And most of those films are foreign (Amelie, A Very Long Engagement, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon being excellent examples). And so we come to Cinema Paradiso. This film tells the story of Toto, a young boy growing up in a small village in war-torn Italy. With his father gone, Toto turns to the projectionist at the local theater for guidance. He quickly develops a love for movies, which become the driving passion in his life. But as Toto grows up, he finds that movies don't have all the answers when it comes to love and life. Easily one of my favorite films of all time, Cimena Paradiso is a rare movie romance that works on every possible level. The DVD contains TWO versions of the film... the original, and an extended version that has a revelation so shocking that it completely changes the meaning of the movie. I recommend watching the original (shorter) edit first, because it would be difficult to feel the same about some of the characters if you watched the extended cut first. (Value: $14.95)
Clerks, The Complete Animated Series: Uncensored
In counting the ways that ABC television has screwed brilliant television shows because of rampant stupidity, the animated Clerks series would occupy at least five spots... probably more. It is well-made, highly entertaining, and laugh-out-loud funny (basically, everything you want in a cartoon). I had my doubts that a fairly vulgar movie like Clerks could ever be adequately adapted for network television, but Kevin Smith somehow managed to do it, and do it well. At the core of Clerks is two guys stuck in a dead-end job who stopped caring about it long ago... now they're just trying to make it through another day. Hilarity ensues. Watch it now as preparation for Clerks II, coming this summer! (Value: $14.95)
Bedazzled
This movie stars the incomparable Elizabeth Hurley as the Devil. What more do you really need to know? As an added bonus, this is actually a really good film... filled with all the things that make life worth living: Liz being funny, Liz being sexy, Liz being cute, Liz being naughty, and Liz in a bikini. If that weren't enough, there's also a positive life message to wrap it all up. If you haven't seen this movie yet, then I fear for your immortal soul. (Declared Value: $9.95. Actual Value: Priceless)
And, as if that weren't enough, you've got two other chances to win if the Grand Prize eludes you...
TWO $45 "WATCH WITH DAVE" RUNNER-UP PRIZES INCLUDE...
Blogography T-Shirt
Even the best movie or television show pales in comparison to how cool you are when wearing a sweet Blogography T-shirt! Artfully silk-screened by hand on high-quality Hanes Beefy-T shirts, these Blogography-inspired masterpieces are comfortable, durable, and are guaranteed to make you the best-dressed person in the room... Dave not included! (Value: $14.95 to $16.95)
Cinema Paradiso: The Director's Expanded Edition
I can't stand romance movies. They're all so lame and cliched... with sappy dialogue and often totally unrealistic premises. Only rarely do I ever see a romance film that's worth a crap, and most of the time it's because they have something else to offer. And most of those films are foreign (Amelie, A Very Long Engagement, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon being excellent examples). And so we come to Cinema Paradiso. This film tells the story of Toto, a young boy growing up in a small village in war-torn Italy. With his father gone, Toto turns to the projectionist at the local theater for guidance. He quickly develops a love for movies, which become the driving passion in his life. But as Toto grows up, he finds that movies don't have all the answers when it comes to love and life. Easily one of my favorite films of all time, Cimena Paradiso is a rare movie romance that works on every possible level. The DVD contains TWO versions of the film... the original, and an extended version that has a revelation so shocking that it completely changes the meaning of the movie. I recommend watching the original (shorter) edit first, because it would be difficult to feel the same about some of the characters if you watched the extended cut first. (Value: $14.95)
Clerks, The Complete Animated Series: Uncensored
In counting the ways that ABC television has screwed brilliant television shows because of rampant stupidity, the animated Clerks series would occupy at least five spots... probably more. It is well-made, highly entertaining, and laugh-out-loud funny (basically, everything you want in a cartoon). I had my doubts that a fairly vulgar movie like Clerks could ever be adequately adapted for network television, but Kevin Smith somehow managed to do it, and do it well. At the core of Clerks is two guys stuck in a dead-end job who stopped caring about it long ago... now their just trying to make it through another day. Hilarity ensues. Watch it now as preparation for Clerks II, coming this summer! (Value: $14.95)
Prizes so good, I almost wish that I could enter this one myself! To see how YOU can enter, read onward...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Want to know the best thing about my Kick-Ass Blogiversary III Celebration? Not the fact that I get to have some fun promoting my favorite books, music, and movies. Not the fact that I get to share cool new T-shirts with Blogography readers (at below-cost, I might add). And certainly not the fact that it's just a way to say "thanks" to everybody who has kept me blogging in the first place. Oh no! The REAL reason that I love it is because of all the wonderful people who have sent me such kind, encouraging emails!
My favorite was from the laughably misnamed chuckle-head "The Real Dave" who wrote to congratulate me on the clever scam I am running to steal email addresses so I can sell them to spammers! Here is my reply...
Dude! you SO got me all figured out! I mean, never mind the THREE YEARS I spent building up a reputation with Blogography... I am all about the scam now! Seriously, do you KNOW how much money that spammers will pay for a fresh email address? Well neither do I, but a quick Google search shows that I can buy 100,000 names for just $20, so I am guessing that I can get TWO WHOLE PENNIES for the hundreds of names I scammed! Wow... and here I thought all those people claiming to make money on the internet were full of shit! Yet here I am making 2¢ in just a week! And just think... another one-thousand-two-hundred-and-sixty-eight years of this, and I can retire! Woohoo!
Since you were the only one brilliant enough to uncover my secret plan, THREE YEARS IN THE MAKING, I feel it's only fair that I share my profits with you. Please forward you address in all haste, and I'll get that penny right out to you!! You sir, are a frickin' GENIUS!!
But that wasn't enough. He wrote back again to tell me "nice try" and that anybody can take pictures of crap from Amazon and claim to have prizes... I'm not showing any REAL merchandise and so this is just a scam. Here is my reply...
OMFG, DUDE! You have just so totally blown the lid off of my Master Plan! Congratulations, because you are the Austin Powers to my Dr. Evil... THERE REALLY IS NO MERCHANDISE! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! SUCKERS!! Please let me know when you run for president, because you totally have my vote for reals!
So, to everybody who entered, I thought I would just let you know that this was all an elaborate scam before you have to hear it on FOX News or something. I threw away THREE YEARS and sold you all out for 2¢, and it was totally worth it! And, to all of you who haven't entered yet, please continue to send in those emails! Who knows, if enough of you fall for this, I may get a whole 3¢ when this all ends on Saturday!
Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go listen to my three new a-ha import CDs of Major Earth, Minor Sky... ALL AT THE SAME TIME!! BWAAH HA HA HAAAAH!
This is almost as good as the gal who wrote to tell me she hated my blog and its "nihilistic world view", but then proceeded to enter all the drawings! You rock girl! I so hope that you win!
Sometimes being an evil scamming genius is SO rewarding!
UPDATE: This just in from the peanut gallery: "I'm famous! In the interest of fairness you should tell your readers that I asked if you were selling email addresses to spammers. Asking is different than accusing. - The Real Dave". Touche my suspicious new best friend. Touche. And the answer is "yes!" Yes I AM selling email addresses to spammers... starting with yours. Those penis enlargement emails should start arriving any day now...
Today is the penultimate day of Blogiversary III Celebration week! And while I wait for 9:00pm to arrive, I am taking my life in my own hands by defying a goddess.
This is not an easy thing to do, especially considering that the goddess in this instance is the charming, talented, and scorching hot Liz, who I love more than Coke with Lime (and if you've been reading Blogography for any length of time, you know that's quite a lot). Today on Everyday Goddess, Liz takes issue with people who do not properly enclose punctuation within quote marks:
Witness The Horror:
He likes to call it "the muff".
Now what, WHAT, is going on with that period? See how sad and lonely? See how ridiculous and downright FLOATING-OUT-IN-THE-MIDDLE-OF-NOWHERE it looks?
You can read the whole story here, and I agree that she is 100% correct. Every rule book tells you that periods and commas should be enclosed within the quotes just as she says. It drives me crazy too.
But, alas, I refuse.
At least I do when I am writing for the web.
When I am writing for PRINT, where letter forms are spaced properly, and I am in control of kerning, tracking, and leading, then I do indeed follow the proper grammatical rules. Because in print, I know that it will turn out looking as it should...
See that? See the beautiful way that the the end-quote floats ABOVE the period in that sentence? She how wonderful it is that you can understand perfectly that the quote is a part of the text? But look at what we get when we try the same thing on the web...
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! That end-quote might as well be in another Zip code! By the time I finally get to it FLOATING WAY OVER THERE, I've forgotten that it even went with the sentence that preceded it! In fact, it is SO removed from things that, to me at least, it looks as though you are starting a NEW quote!!
That drives me even MORE insane than doing it the wrong way...
Ah! There we go! The quote is actually next to the text as it should be, and all is right with the world!
So, until typography on the web moves out of the stone age, I will continue to violate the rules because it looks better to me. And also because a very wise person told me THERE ARE NO RULES IN BLOGGING.
And, with this in mind, I do a lot of things I shouldn't. Like using boatloads of unnecessary ellipses everywhere (those are the "..." dots you see way too much here). And not omitting the final comma in a list. And starting sentences with prepositions. And using run-on sentences for dramatic effect. And dozens of other things I do wrong so as to express myself as I want.
So my sincerest apologies to Liz, because I love her more than buttered toast (and if you've been reading Blogography for any length of time, you know that's quite a lot) but I remain in defiance of a rule that makes my blog look yucky.
(But I do work hard to not confuse "their" with "they're" and "your" with "you're" because that crap drives me nuts!)
Woo hoo! Alrighty then. It is now 9:00pm PST, which means all Blogiversary III contests are now closed for entries. Many thanks to everybody who entered this week, and thanks again for helping to make this blogiversary celebration the best yet!
So what happens now?
Well, since I strive for fairness in the drawings, I won't be doing anything except printing out a complete list of everybody who entered each contest and handing it over to an impartial third party to pick the names out of a hat. I'll then record each name and work up a winner's list that will be posted tomorrow afternoon.
Best of luck everybody!
Oh, and for those of you who are curious to know the answers to all of the quizzes, I've put them into an extended entry (along with where to find them)... → Click here to continue reading this entry...
TIME TO CELEBRATE! Okay then, all the contests for the Blogiversary III Kick-Ass Online Celebration have been closed. Thanks again to everybody who participated!
YOU ARE A WINNER! Anybody who voted or entered in a competition will get $10 off any regularly-priced T-shirts from the Artificial Duck Store (shipping not included) so, when you look at it that way, everybody wins!
Okay... here I go... when I return, I'll have a list of the winners!
And I'm back! Congratulations to everybody who nabbed a prize! I tried to use commenter names, where they exist (and if I could find them), but all winners will be receiving an email confirmation later today in case there is any confusion.
READ with DAVE!
LISTEN with DAVE!
WATCH with DAVE!
STYLIN' with DAVE
The following ten winners get a FREE T-shirt (not including shipping charges) from the Artificial Duck Store...
And the T-shirt which got the most votes? Yeah, it ended up being "Zombies Ate My Brain" by quite a margin...
From the surprising number of voters who turned out, every design actually got enough votes to be printed... even for just a limited edition run (which I could offer at discount). Depending on how many people respond to the $10 OFF deal, I may end up having other designs printed too.
HOW WINNERS WERE SELECTED: A list of everybody who entered each contest was printed out on little cards. These cards were cut apart, dropped into a plastic bucket, and shaken thoroughly. I then had somebody who has absolutely no association with Blogography draw names. This was repeated for each contest. After the READ, LISTEN, and WATCH prize winners had been drawn, their names were removed from the T-shirt drawing to maximize the number of winners we get (no need to be greedy, since they've already won a T-shirt anyway!).
I'M A WINNER! NOW WHAT? Your winning entry will be confirmed via email with instructions on how to claim your prize. The new shirts will not be printed until mid-May, so prizes will be shipped after that time. Those receiving a $10 OFF coupon will be receiving a confirming email when the Artificial Duck Store re-opens on Wednesday so they can pre-order their shirt choice.
THAT'S A WRAP! Though the original idea was to come up with $1000 in prizes to give away, response to the T-shirt vote exceeded my wildest dreams. If everybody who voted claims their $10 OFF Coupon, the prizes given away this year end up totaling just over $4000. I cannot imagine what will happen for Blogiversary IV. One thing I am considering for next year is having more smaller prizes instead of putting so much money into the Grand Prizes. This way, more people would win... but the down-side is that my shipping costs would increase by quite a lot. Hmmm... something to think about over the next year!
Thanks again everybody!
As great as Blogiversary III has been, I am secretly relieved that it is all over. Usually a blog entry only takes about 10 minutes for me to write up (20-25 at the most if I decided to draw a cartoon), but the past two weeks of "Lost Bloging" and "Blogiversary" antics have taken HOURS out of every day that I am very glad to have back. After all, I've got a box full of Batman Lego that's not going to put itself together.
Drawing this year's prize winners was more painful than last time. I consider many of those who entered to be my friends, and it kills me that everybody can't win something fantastic. I guess that's why I don't have the guts to draw the names myself, and have to get somebody else to do it. I am such a weenie. I need to either stop caring, or become a billionaire. Anyway, thanks to everybody for their kind words... win or lose.
And now for the thing you've all been waiting for since seeing the title of this entry. It's time for porn!
Well, kind of...
Every once in a while I get some kind of porn catalog in my mailbox. I think I owe this to Bad Robert, who signed me up for something a year ago as a joke. Its an automatic habit to toss this stuff in the garbage, because once you've seen one porn catalog you've pretty much seen them all. So this weekend while I was sorting through my mail, I ran across a Priority Mail envelope with porn stuff inside and tossed it. But after I had thrown it away, I noticed that something was different. A second look showed me that it was NOT a porn catalog.
It was a job offer.
And, before you let your mind wander off in a totally wrong direction, let me clarify that.
It was NOT an offer for me to appear in porn. Sure I have a great ass, but I don't think anybody would want to see me in anything porn-related. No, it was a job offer to do some graphic design work for a porn company. A guy I used to work with had forwarded it to me to see if I was interested.
And if I wasn't so totally backlogged, I would seriously consider it.
But even though I decided I couldn't take the job, I did decide to take a look through the promotion kit. And it was then that I noticed something entirely shocking... women are not the only ones who are practicing "nether-region landscaping". Apparently male porn stars are now enamored with the idea of shaving everything down to a 1-inch square. Like a penis soul-patch or something.
That's some bizarre shit right there.
Yet another compelling reason to stick to more "porn-efficient" all-lesbian action, I suppose.
And, in a segue I never thought I'd be making... we go from porn to Betty White erotica.
Well, kind of...
Family Guy had a brilliant appearance by Betty last night. Once again, she totally kicked ass and stole the show. Whoever thought to cast her as the "books on tape" reader for Peter's erotic novel is a genius. I maintain that Betty White should make guest appearances on ALL television shows. And can somebody tell me why Disney/Pixar hasn't cast her as the voice of a cartoon character yet? Betty rules...
Welcome to Peterotica on tape! I'm Betty White reading The Hot Chick Who Was Italian, or maybe Some Kind of Spanish by Peter Griffin. Chapter One: "Oh God you should have seen this one hot chick. She was totally Italian. Or maybe some kind of Spanish...."
Along the way, we also find out that Stewie is a Mac user, and are treated to an appearance by the pre-penis-weilding Kool-Aid man. I love that show.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've dropped the F-Bomb today.
Nothing, and I mean nothing has gone right today. On top of all that, my internet connection has been flakey (at best), so being able to catch up on email and the various blogs I enjoy has been an exercise in futility. At first I was blaming my DSL connection, but now it looks like it must be my piece-of-crap DSL/wireless hub that's the problem.
I am very close to soaking it in gasoline and lighting it on fire... but I'm fairly certain that this would void my warranty.
And so I spend my time swearing instead...
And to top it all off, I get a call from Bad Robert informing me that a friend of ours whom we haven't seen in months had died back in February (isn't it time that they invent a cure for cancer?). He was an incredibly generous and decent human being, and it makes me sad to know that somebody like him is gone from this earth.
Robert then goes on a rant for ten full minutes about how he wishes that he would win a billion dollars so that he could quit his job and devote the rest of his life to hunting down spammers and killing them. It almost makes me wish that I had a billion dollars to give him.
After I hang up the phone, I call another one of our friends to let her know about the death, only to learn that she lost her job last Friday. Her position has been outsourced. This leads me to wonder if there is any job that WON'T be outsourced in the near-future. I picture a day when you pull up to a McDonald's drive-through and somebody from India answers on the speaker-box. Tech-sector jobs (which we were all told would be the future of employment in America) are disappearing at an alarming rate. Pretty soon the only job left will be for lawyers, and then everybody will spend their time suing each other to make a living. Sounds like Utopia to me.
Ack.
Internet connection willing, I hope to have the Artificial Duck Store open again tomorrow night. Then everybody can pre-order their $10-off shirts and be blissfully happy.
Hey, given what happened today, I fully believe "happiness" is an entirely relative term.
This morning I got a phone call from a fellow designer who wanted advice on how to best run a straight pattern around the edge of a circle. There are many ways to approach this challenge, but I told her my favorite way is to dice the design into pieces and turn the pieces into a font. Then you simply type the pieces around a circle. It's a lot of work, but it gives you the most flexibility.
After thanking me for the help, the conversation took a curious turn...
Samantha: So what are you going to do for CSS Reboot this year?
Dave: Uhhh... what's that?
Sam: It's a redesign for you web site using web standards.
Dave: Ah, well my blog is already standards-based.
Sammy: Yeah, but you've had the same design forever. Don't you want to try something new?
Dave: Not really.
Sam-O: Well that's disappointing.
And I suppose that deep down it's disappointing to me too. With the exception of adding rotating cartoon headers, changing the background to black, and adding tabs... the design for Blogography is pretty much the same as it's always been...
But here's the problem... I like it exactly how it is now. It's clean, simple, and allows the content to have prominence. About the only thing I would change would be to add "MaxWidth" to prevent everything from getting too spread out on really wide displays. But Internet Explorer doesn't handle it properly, so I guess there's nothing to be done.
So, to everybody who is bored with my design, I'm sorry to report that I won't be changing it any time soon.
Doesn't everybody read their blogs via web feed anyway?
Lily was dismayed to find out that the bread for her peanut butter and jelly sandwich was slightly stale. Since she preferred her bread soft and squishy, this was a deal-breaker. Complaining to her mother did no good at all. Mother abhorred waste and insisted that the old loaf be finished off before a fresh loaf was eaten. This left Lily with two options... A) Suck it up and make her peanut butter and jelly sandwich with bread that was slightly tough around the edges. B) Forgo the peanut butter and jelly sandwich until some other family member (preferably her mean older brother) finished the stale loaf, thus allowing her to open a new one.
Lily chose option C because A was unacceptable and B would take too long.
OPTION C:
Lily's grandmother had once told her that a slice of bread in the cookie jar would freshen cookies that were going stale. Applying this logic to her present situation, she opened the fresh loaf, removed a slice of deliciously soft bread, and then put it in with the old loaf. She didn't know how long it would take for the new slice to magically freshen the old bread, but she hoped it would work out before her cartoons started 45 minutes from now. Satisfied with her cleverness, the girl scampered off to do whatever it is that little girls do.
Lily's mother was not even a little surprised at the curious bread situation when she went to make her own sandwich soon after. Her daughter had always been a precocious child, even if she wasn't very bright.
Any time now, the Washington State Supreme Court is expected to release a ruling on whether we become the second state to legalize same-sex marriage. Needless to say, this has many people up-in-arms.
Personally, I don't understand what the big deal is. I've already said my peace on the subject, and my opinion hasn't changed. So, if you haven't already, click here to go read that entry before you go any further. Don't worry, I'll wait.
Okay then.
Now maybe you can help me figure out why people against same-sex marriage look at everything backwards and somehow assume that adding this fresh new slice to their crusty old marriage loaf is going to ruin their staleness?
I don't get it. Everywhere you turn, somebody is going off about how this is going to "destroy marriage". Given current divorce statistics, I find this to be a hysterical argument. Almost as funny as the fact that nobody seems to protest when two atheists get married (just so long as they both don't have a penis). And if two atheists can get married by the Justice of the Peace in a non-religious ceremony and nobody feels threatened enough to give a crap, then how can you take same-sex marriage any less seriously? If Michael Jackson can marry Lisa Marie Presley, then I say ANYBODY should be allowed to get married.
Because in a very short amount of time, this new slice of bread is going to have all the moisture sucked out of it and end up being just as stale as the rest of the loaf status-quo. Nothing magically changes for the old slices... they're going to be just as stagnant as they've always been. All you really end up with is a more interesting loaf of bread that had momentary delusions of freshness.
And isn't delusions of freshness what this country is supposed to be all about?
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that there's an uproar. The same thing happened when a slice of wheat bread was added to the loaf. Then again with the sourdough. Then again with the rye. Then again with the multi-grain. Why should adding a slice of cinnamon-raisin-swirl be any different?
Oh great. Now I'm hungry for toast...
With all the DSL problems I've been having lately, I've suddenly got more time to get caught up on important stuff. LIKE BATMAN LEGO!!
Batman Lego is hella-cool! Right now there are four Bat-tastic sets you can choose from. The Bat-Dragster is a bit lame (although it does come with Catwoman on her Cat-Cycle), but the other three rock!
There's Bat-Plane...
And Bat-Mobile...
And Bat-Boat...
And, of course, you get little Bat-People to to populate your Bat-Universe. Depending on which set you buy, your get a Two-Face, Killer Croc, Joker, or Catwoman. Of course you also get a flavor of Batman. Bat-Mobile comes with the all-black Tim Burton-type Batman. All the others come with comic book grey & black type Batman...
But all is not golden in Bat-Lego world.
Sure these toys are great to look at... but they're fragile as heck. You can barely touch them without having something fall off or bust apart. So, if you want to put them on a shelf and look awesome, Bat-Lego are for you. But if you want to run around the house and actually play with them... well... it's a bit of a challenge.
Or so I would guess.
I mean, it's not like I go running around the house playing with my Bat-Lego!
Of course not!
I mean, seriously. A grown man running around playing with Lego! How silly would that be!
Bah.
VRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!
Ever since I read that Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts are being released over at Timothy's blog, I've wanted them. Days of searching at local grocery stores turned up nothing, and so I started telling everybody I know to help me look. My Hello-Kitty Pop-Tart search eventually involved a dozen people in four states. Finally, after I had reached suicidal-levels of despair that I would never find Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts, my mom found them at the local Fred Meyer (hey, you really do "find it at Freddies!").
Behold the grandeur that is Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts...
BACKGROUND: I've long held a fascination with Hello Kitty, but not in the way you are probably thinking (i.e., I don't have my bedroom decorated in Hello Kitty merchandise, nor do I wear Hello Kitty clothing). Nope, my obsession stems from two things: 1) My love of Japan from my travels there, and 2) The elegant simplicity that defines the "Hello Kitty Look". As you might guess, Hello Kitty was a big influence when creating my cartoon persona...
HISTORY: Hello Kitty was created in 1974 by Sanrio graphic designer Ikuko Shimizu as one in a line of several "characters" for the company. Her popularity eventually escalated her to near cult status, and she is easily one of the most well-known Japanese exports of the last couple of decades. Remaining popular both in Japan and abroad, Hello Kitty can be found on everything from toys and stationery to toilet paper and vibrators. There is some question as to whether Hello Kitty was inspired by Dutch cartoon icon "Miffy" (created 1955 by Dick Bruna), but most people have written this off as a coincidence.
ASSOCIATES: Hello Kitty is often found in the company of her many friends, including Cathy the bunny, Tim & Tammy the monkeys, Tippy the bear, and (ironically) her pet cat Charmmy Kitty. Hello Kitty's full name is "Kitty White", and she has a twin sister name "Mimmy".
PACKAGING: Hello Kitty "Meow-Berry" Pop-Tarts are made by Kelloggs, and is just one out of dozens of Pop-Tart flavors. They are sold in boxes of twelve and are conveniently foil-wrapped in six two-packs. They weigh-in at 22 ounces and you can buy a box for under $3.00. In addition to the front panel (shown above), there is also a game on the back...
Colorful, and well-rendered in Hello Kitty Style, it's a search puzzle to locate as many bows as you can find. The answer is printed inside the carton, and I ended up missing two because they were so small or obscured as to be unrecognizable. Faithful to the Hello Kitty brand, and an eye-catcher on store shelves, I give the packaging an A-.
APPEARANCE: From the box, it appears that Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts are decorated in her signature pink color and sprinkled with miniature candies in the shape of Hello Kitty, bows, and flowers. The reality is a bit disappointing...
Instead of a festive pink frosting, it's kind of a purple-ish pink that's not very appetizing. Instead of the icing being neatly centered on the pastry, it was smeared off to one side. The generous assortment of candy sprinkles shown on the box were nothing more than a few scattered bits. In short, the product looked nothing like what I was expecting. If it had even remotely resembled what was on the box, I would have been much happier. But, alas, I give the actual product a D- for looks.
TASTE: Pop-Tarts are an acquired taste that not everybody enjoys. I happen to love them. My only criticism is that the pastry dough is dense and gummy when chewed... forming a kind of nasty paste. You have to be careful that you always have plenty of filling with each bite so that the crap pastry doesn't ruin your dining experience. The flavor advertised is "Meow-Berry" which is explained to be a "wild berry filling". Tasting it, I get a good sense of berry flavor, though trying to figure out which berries are in the mix is fairly difficult. I definitely taste strawberry... and probably some kind of raspberry or blackberry... perhaps a hint of blueberry... but nothing definite can be discerned. Overall I give the product a B for taste, considering we're talking about Pop-Tarts here.
OVERALL RATING: This product had such high potential, but really fell short in the appearance department. This is really bad news for a food item, and cuts the final score down to a C+. If Kelloggs could find a way to improve the look of Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts, they'd jump to a B+ or A- easy. Overall, I am giving them a cautious recommendation. If you like Pop-Tarts, these are worth a try. If you don't like Pop-Tarts, the Hello Kitty Meow-Berry variety will not change your mind.
Is it a crime that I don't like Harry Potter?
I try to. Honestly I do... all my friends just love Harry Potter books and movies, so I want to like Harry Potter. But I just can't. I read the first book and found it kind of contrived and boring. The second Chamber of Secrets book was so deus ex machina that I only read half of it. I kind of liked the third Prisoner of Azkaban book, but it was still so predictable and unoriginal that I ended up skipping big chunks of it. I tried reading Goblet of Fire but only made it to the sixth chapter before giving up.
I thought that perhaps the Harry Potter movies would be my salvation, but I found them to be haphazard and somewhat incoherent. More flash than substance. I suppose if you were a fan of the books, you'd have the knowledge to fill in the blanks and enjoy the film adaptations... but that wasn't me. I ended up fast forwarding through most of them (and am I the only one that finds "Dobby" just as irritating as Jar Jar Binks?).
I guess Harry Potter just isn't in my destiny...
Which makes it incredibly difficult for me in social situations.
Like last night when I somehow got roped into this huge Harry Potter conversation with a group of people. There was a big debate over whether Snape is evil and something about a horcrux (which I had to Google to spell properly just now). Then they started talking about how Harry Potter was going to die. Then they transitioned into whether the movies would star all the same actors. It went on and on and on.
And the entire time I just stood there being incredibly stupid. I think the only thing I contributed to the entire conversation was how cool I thought that Alan Rickman was in Dogma and Galaxy Quest.
It used to be it was football trivia that made me feel inadequate. Now it's Hogwarts.
= Sob! =
I sure hope there's an Idiot's Guide to Harry Potter out there. Or maybe a CliffsNotes. Otherwise I'm going to be ostracized from civilization because I don't know what a horcrux is.
Most of my weekend has been spent working.
Ordinarily this wouldn't bother me, but now that good weather has arrived, I really want to pull my motorcycle out of storage. Problem is, it's going to take at least a day to rip her apart, de-winterize her, charge the battery, and clean her up. Unfortunately, I just don't have that kind of time to spare. So instead I worked, washed clothes, ate Pop-Tarts, drank Coke with Lime, and drew a "Pain Chart" for Belinda over at Ninja Poodles.
You see, during a recent visit to the ER for a migraine, Belinda was presented with this pain chart which has these goofy-looking green balloon-heads and says "If you are in pain, let your doctor or nurse know how bad your pain really is". I remember that they had something similar when I visited the ER with my kidney stones incident, but I was screaming so loud that I don't think they bothered to use it. This was surprising, because all the screaming didn't seem to motivate them into giving me any drugs until after an hour and twenty minutes had passed.
Anyway, here's the chart...
Belinda felt this was totally inadequate, and thought it would be better if I redrew it with Bad Monkey instead of a green balloon head. But since monkeys are screeching all the time and it's hard to know if they are in pain or not, I decided to use Cartoon Dave instead....
After making the pain chart, it got me to wondering what other useful charts there should be...
I was going to do an "Are You a Dumbass" chart, but that would have to be a big-ass chart to truly capture the many shades of dumbass that I run across on a daily basis.
Oh well. Back to work...
Sorry about posting so late today, but it's Pauly's fault.
This morning I received a copy of his new book The Lost Blogs: From Jesus to Jim Morrison and, just like when James' new book arrived, I simply could not put it down. I started reading when I picked it up from the post office, then continued to read it at every opportunity throughout the day until I finished it just a few minutes ago. The first thing I'm going to do after writing this entry is eat something, because I skipped lunch and breaks so that I could get through more pages. Now I'm starving, and that's Pauly's fault too.
The Lost Blogs is a compilation of various "lost" blog entries from famous people throughout history. Some of them I expected to be included (George Washington, Einstein, Shakespeare, Da Vinci, etc.), but others were complete surprises. There's 175 to choose from and, as if the variety wasn't enough, each entry is totally unique in voice and style. Taken as a whole, it is a brilliant concept that has been flawlessly executed. I totally love it...
I cannot recommend The Lost Blogs highly enough. Each entry is like a potato chip, and you won't want to stop eating until you've finished the entire bag. Even then, you'll be licking the crumbs from the bottom, because now I have to go back and re-read a bunch of entries. Some of them because they were so funny I want to read them again... others because I have work to do (like translating the Samuel Morse entry from Morse Code!).
Do yourself a favor and go visit The Lost Blogs site right now. There you can learn all about the book, read some sample entries, and order yourself a copy. Whether you write a blog or just enjoy reading them, it's a must-have.
So congratulations Pauly! You can now add the great Blogography Seal of Approval to your book... far more exclusive and valuable than Oprah's stupid book club!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have a cheese sandwich and a couple Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts before I pass out. I wouldn't want to have to blame Pauly for that too.
I am most assuredly jealous.
Everybody seems to have a book except me. Cavan has a book. James has a book. Pauly has a book. Bunches of other bloggers are working on books. Yet I have no book to call my own.
So I've decided to write a book.
At first I was going to write an autobiography. I am a fascinating guy with a fascinating life who has a story that simply must be told. But a book about my life would be at least 1600 pages and take years to write (and that's just Volume One!). I want something simple. Something desperately missing from society that I can easily construct. Something I can release quickly for the benefit of all mankind.
But what?
So here I am this morning, deleting a particularly vicious piece of hate-mail from my inbox, when it hits me. Everybody has heard of Dummies Books. But what about people who are stupider than dummies? Where are the books for them? There is a huge segment of the population with no book to tell them what to do... such as the moron who sent me the hate-mail for example. Where's his book? A Dummies Book would be way over his head, so I guess there isn't one.
At least until now...
Yes! When Dummies Books are just too smart, it's time for DUMBASSES BOOKS!
I can use my vast intellect to educate total dumbasses by using small words and lots and lots of pictures! Finally there will be guides for every day situations that some people are just too damn stupid to understand... like not driving in the passing lane and how to mind your bratty kids when taking them out in public...
And what about all the dumbass politicians out there? They probably need these books more than anybody. Just look at how badly they keep f#@%ing up everything. That's why I'll be writing Dumbasses Books just for them! So now when your senator approves a bill that slashes health care so he can afford to vote himself a raise, there will be a book you can send so that he understands this makes him a complete tool. Dumbass books for dumbass politicians. A brilliant concept if there ever was one...
The possibilities are endless. I can think of hundreds of Dumbasses Books that are needed immediately, and I'm sure there are hundreds more that I haven't even thought of yet.
Sweet! These totally have "New York Times Best Seller" written all over them.
First of all... praise be to The Force.
I'm the type of person who becomes easily addicted to foods. Last week I was addicted to fried egg sandwiches. I had one every single day for dinner until I ran out of eggs on day 6. Right now I'm going through a kind of Pop-Tart renaissance, whereas I am consuming them for breakfast and lunch each day.
Several weeks ago, my food addiction of choice was cheese and potato pierogies. It was so bad that I was going through a box of Mrs. T's Pierogies every single day, which got kind of expensive. So when the Schwan's Man dropped by and offered up a huge bag of pierogies for a bargain price, I went ahead and took him up on the deal.
Unfortunately, they sucked ass. Schwan's Pierogies were nothing like Mrs. T's Pierogies... even though they look the exact same. Heartbroken, I shoved the bad bag to the back of the freezer and forgot about them.
Until last night when I was having trouble finding something to eat. In digging through the freezer, I ran across that bag of pierogies and decided "what the heck, it's all I got". But then as I was tossing them on a cookie sheet for baking (which is how I usually cook them), I accidentally read the recommended cooking instructions. Turns out you are supposed to boil them, then saute them in butter. So I did.
Freakin' amazing. Is there ANYTHING that doesn't taste better with a stick of butter on top??
So now I'm addicted to Schwan's Pierogies, and am terrified that I'm going to run out before the Schwan's Man drops by again. I sure hope it's soon, because I'm also out of banana popsicles...
Nothing like a banana-pop to make your day a little better.
Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody!
It's strange sitting here and typing that when I know full well I won't be celebrating the holiday tonight. Years ago when I was young, stupid and looking for any excuse to party, Cinco de Mayo was a pretty big event. Huge even. In fact, after having turned 21, it was probably the biggest holiday of the year for me. There's nothing quite like going to a Mexican restaurant with a bunch of friends and getting completely wasted on Margaritas and tequila shots. I have many fond memories (and even more blurry half-memories) of Cinco de Mayo during "The Stupid Years" (my favorite being a party in Maui after having just received my PADI scuba diving certification).
But, alas, to do something insane like that today would end up with me in the hospital or dead (which would come in handy for Dia de Los Muertos in November).
So what am I doing this year? I'm staying home so I can wash my laundry and work.
It's going to be the best Cinco de Mayo ever.
As May gets into full-swing, it's time for all my favorite shows to have their season finales. My not-so-favorite shows are having their season finales as well. In fact, shows that I loathe and don't even watch seem to be having their season finales too, so I guess it must be everybody.
And speaking of shows I don't watch... I was bored and looking for background noise while working last night only to discover that there was nothing on. Finally I settled on the Jennifer Love Hewitt vehicle (and Medium imitator) The Ghost Whisperer. I've only seen this show a handful of times and thought that it was okay, but J-Love's unfortunate hair and forced emoting kept me from tuning in on a regular basis...
On the left is what the promotional poster for Ghost Whisperer promises... on the right is the freakish hair-do you actually get. Sure she's still smokin' from the neck down, but WTF?!? I'm sure that hair looks good on somebody, but it ain't her.
Anyway, I had intended for the show to be background noise, but I kept getting more and more involved in it. At the half-hour mark I had stopped working entirely, and was totally absorbed. Just like Medium, the writing is pretty inventive, which I like.
And then the end of the show came along and knocked me on my ass.
Seriously, I was amazed. I'm finding it difficult to imagine how even my most favorite shows are going to top this one. I mean, Veronica Mars has a good shot (and I hear that How I Met Your Mother is supposed to be kind of surprising)... but wow.
I guess I'm going to have to make room in my schedule for Ghost Whisperer next season. That's a shame, because I watch entirely too much television as it is.
It's 11:00am and I haven't gotten out of bed yet. Well, I did get up to go to the bathroom, but that was only because I had to. I simply must invest in adult diapers for Sunday mornings (and to think I was embarrassed to buy toilet paper).
Last night my trusty photo scanner broke. It was old and slow, so I suppose I should be okay with the situation... but it was a bummer to have to spend all morning trying to decide on a new one. I think I have it narrowed down to a cheap-ass Epson, because I couldn't find what I really want, which is a tabloid (11" X 17") scanner.
The entire ordeal started when I went to sort through my photo negatives so I can get another batched scanned by DigMyPics. Eventually I realized that a large number of film negatives are missing. This means that a huge chunk of my life exists only on paper photos that are going to fade and fall apart. This is not okay.
If the pictures are gone, how can I see what I looked like 20 years ago at Expo 86?
Or remember how beautiful a Maui beach is at sunset back when it wasn't jammed with people?
Sure photo scans are not as good as having the film negatives scanned directly, but I guess I have the memories to go with them, so it's better than nothing. I wish I could go back in time and hand myself a digital camera.
Okay, time to eat a Pop-Tart for breakfast...
Whenever I write about some of the freakier Blogography emails I get here, I'm assured of some blogger leaving a comment that says something like this: "at least people pay attention to what you say... I'd kill to get hate mail or ANY mail out of my blog". I then chuckle softly to myself knowing that they would feel quite differently if they actually had to put up with some of the crap I get.
As an example...
In an entry for last year, I had mentioned a "sex switch" (as in GENDER, you perv!) Halloween party from years ago where I dressed up as Wonder Woman. It was big fun and I put a lot of work into getting the costume right. In the comments I had mentioned that I didn't have any pictures of it, but feared that a friend might have taken photos and would post them on the internet some day. Shortly after that, a friend who reads my blog DID manage to track down a drunken pic of Wonder-Dave and emailed it to me. I got a laugh out of it, then filed it away so there will be something interesting to show at my funeral.
But then I get an email from some guy on Friday who said he was trying to build a Wonder Woman costume and wanted to know if I ever found pictures, because he'd like to see how I managed it. I wrote back and said that while I did have a photo, I'm afraid I won't be sending it, because it's personal and I don't want it posted to a pervy website or anything.
The next day I get a reply where he assures me that he won't share the pic, and he really would appreciate it if I could send it to him. I wrote back and politely declined, saying that I wouldn't give it to some of my closest friends, let alone somebody I've never met.
Saturday night I get yet another email. This time the tone is much different. He's hostile now, and wants to know why I won't trust him. Then, as if to encourage me, he attaches some pictures of himself in various costumes... some of which I cannot even begin to describe without inviting search engine hits I really don't want. Suffice to say that this guy likes to dress up as famous women, and looks really good as Cher.
I'm kind of scared now. There is no way I am sending the photo, and yet I really would like to diffuse the situation, so I draw up a cartoon for him and say "sorry, but this is the only photo I'll be sending"...
I didn't hear anything on Sunday, and thought that it was over.
I was wrong.
This morning I get this ranting email about how I am a judgmental prick. How I am a close-minded idiot who can't accept other people. Yadda yadda yadda. After reading it, I came to the conclusion that it takes a pretty big dumbass to think this of me just because I won't share a personal photo, and deleted it. I won't even bother to open anything else that arrives from him.
So yeah, I like getting comments and emails from my readers. Always have. But when things like this happen, I have to question my sanity in having a blog at all. The more things I write about and the larger my archives grow, the more search engines are going to set me up for freaky-ass search results. Then even more crap like this is going to happen.
I guess what I'm trying to say is be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
On the up-side... doesn't cartoon Dave look FABULOUS dressed up as Wonder Woman?
Tonight is the season finale for the best show on television: Veronica Mars. So many questions... so little time to wrap things up...
Speaking of wrapping things up... today and tomorrow are your last days to order Blogography T-shirts from the Artificial Duck Store and have them be printed on this month's run. If you were wanting a Bad Monkey or Zombie Dave shirt of your very own, now is the time to act. I only keep a few sizes and styles in-stock, and the next print run probably won't happen until August.
Time for a Coke with Lime caffeine fix to get me through the day...
Um... yeah... what else is there to say about the season finale of Veronica Mars other than HOLY CRAP!!
I did not see that coming. But, just like last year, it all made perfect sense. I watched the episode twice in a row and am still reeling.
The funny thing is that as unbelievable as it all was... it's still perfectly plausible. And so deserving.
How badly do I want a third season now?
WARNING! There's no major spoilage in the comments yet... but I do not have time to edit them out of the comments today, so proceed at your own risk if you have not seen the show.
ALSO: The complete first season set for Veronica Mars is on sale over at Amazon for HALF OFF! Just $29.96 for some of the best television ever! For anybody not watching Veronica, go buy it or rent it now so you can be prepared when the second season set hits in August!
I woke up extra early today so I could skip through my TiVo recordings of Veronica Mars in an attempt to figure out how the "big ending" could have come so seemingly out of nowhere. The answer was easy to see, even in the earliest episodes. This was not some random tacked-on hack of an ending... from all appearances, it was carefully planned. I am so very hopeful that there are commentary tracks on the second season DVD release, because having the writers talk about how all the pieces fit together would be sweet!
Anyway...
This morning I had an appointment. Where and why doesn't matter so much as the fact that I had to use their public bathroom while I was waiting. Apparently, to dampen the smell of poop and urine, they apply some kind of harsh orange solvent to every visible surface each morning.
Ordinarily, I like oranges. They are a beautiful, sunny-looking fruit that brings a smile to my face...
See? You're smiling right now, aren't you?
But the orange smell was so overwhelming in this bathroom that my nostrils were burning. I was truly worried about exposing my penis to the toxic air for fear of having it burn my privates. I can honestly say that it was the quickest I have ever peed. I was pushing so hard that I was running a risk of popping a blood vessel or something.
After I made a cursory effort to wash my hands and escape the Chamber of Death, I found somebody so I could ask what in the heck would possess them to create such a hostile environment in which to urinate. I further went on to inquire if they understood that chemical weapons had been outlawed by the Geneva Convention.
The woman laughed and apologized. She then explained that however bad the orange smell was, it had to be better than the smell that was originally there. Apparently somebody had an =ahem= accident. They shit
"Well, it certainly worked" I said... "I can't smell anything now".
"I wish I had that problem" she replied... "because everything smells like crap to me".
Sometimes the silver lining of a bad situation is really f#@%ed up.
Today is the last day to order Blogography T-shirts and have them be printed with this month's order. Get em' while you can!
Oh look! It's a trio of things that bug the crap out of me!
Captcha!
I love getting comments on my blog. I can only assume that other bloggers like getting comments too, so I try to leave them when I can. Unfortunately, given my time constraints, it isn't as often as I'd like. For every comment I leave, that's time I could have spent reading other blogs. On top of that, it seems that comments are getting more and more time consuming to write thanks to "captchas"...
Captchas are those goofy little code blocks you have to decipher in order to leave comments on so many blogs now-a-days. They are supposed to foil spammers, but they keep getting longer and more complicated, so they are foiling me too. It sucks, but whatcha gonna do? I'm thinking of initiating my own captcha system for Blogography comments. But I'm not settling for today's technology. I've developed my own Super-Captcha of The Future...
Oh yeah! Suck on that spammer bitches!
A pity captchas bug this crap out of me, because mine is sweet.
Hillary!
I don't really care for Hillary Clinton. Never have. Her politics and position on issues never seems to quite mesh with mine. I'm particularly against her censorship-driven stance against all forms of violence in media... from video games to television. It's not the job of society to babysit other people's kids. If I want to run around shooting fake people in my Xbox to keep me from going out and shooting real people with a gun, it's none of your f#@%ing business.
But then she goes and drafts a brilliant bit of legislation which binds Congressional pay rates to the National minimum wage index. This means that dip-shit politicians can't keep voting themselves pay raises again and again and again, while people trying to survive on minimum wage get shafted. Any raise in Congressional pay has to be matched with an equal percentage raise in minimum wage! Sweet. I'm for anything that limits Congressional idiots from rewarding themselves with pay raises they DON'T deserve.
It bugs the crap out of me that I am actually admiring Hillary Clinton for something, but this would be it.
Repetition!
If there's one thing I absolutely loathe about television shows, it's repetition. Characters who do not develop or grow in-between episodes. Situations that never change. Plots that are recycled over and over and over again. Why should I bother to tune in if it's just going to be the same shit I've already seen?
The show Medium is a classic example. EVERY EPISODE Allison has a psychic vision about something in her sleep. She then tells her husband who gets cranky and tries to blow it off as "just a dream". She then tells her boss who dismisses it outright. And then she gets dismissed by the detective guy too. Never mind that her dreams are right on the money EVERY F#@%ING TIME!! Seriously, WTF?!? You've seen first-hand that the bitch is a serious psychic... like what... A HUNDRED TIMES NOW?? At what point are you going to stop dismissing her or questioning her and just ACCEPT THAT THE STUFF SHE SAYS IS FOR REAL?!? How stupid are you morons?
STUPID. STUPID. STUPID!! If it weren't for the constant disbelief by people WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER, the series would be great. Great characters, terrific stories, decent acting... get rid of the blatant stupidity, and it's actually worth watching.
The fact that I continue to watch this junk is seriously bugging the crap out of me.
Argh. I guarantee you that I'll have at least another twenty things I can add to the list by lunchtime.
WOO HOO!
IGN is posting news from E3 on the totally sweet forthcoming LEGO STAR WARS video game sequel. The first Star Wars Lego Game was awesome, and it looks like this one is going to be even better (and only partially because the original trilogy kicks ass over the lame Jar Jar Binks new trilogy).
Lego Star Wars is one of the few games I've actually bothered to play all the way through... it looks great, plays great, and is the most fun I've ever had with my Xbox. And now we get the REAL Star Wars...
Awww look... you can be Chewbacca and rip the arms off of Stormtroopers! Cute!
The handheld version for Nintendo DS looks equally sweet, and even uses a 3D rendering engine for the graphics...
Apparently you'll be able to do multiplayer, but I'm not sure if it is just local or if you can play over the internet.
I want these games right now, but they won't be released until September. In the meanwhile, you can read about the Xbox version at IGN here... and the Nintendo DS version at IGN here.
For some reason, I seem to be getting a rash of wrong number calls to my mobile phone. It didn't used to be a problem, but seems to happen several times a week now. All I can guess is that some dumbass has gotten a new phone with similar digits and is mistakenly passing out my number to his friends. Or maybe he's not a dumbass, but he has a lot of dumbass friends who don't know how to dial.
Anyway, early this morning I was awakened by my mobile phone. It's set to vibrate, but still managed to wake me up. Turns out somebody had left me a voice mail hours earlier which went something like this...
"F#@%!! Miguel has been pulled over by the f#@%ing cops, and they won't release the car until he shows them the f#@%ing papers. F#@%ing call me back NOW!!
Fortunately, I wasn't awake when the call came, or I probably would have been a smartass and said something like this.
Sure it's funny, but I'd regret it afterwards.
You'd think that for something involving the police, you'd be a little more careful when dialing your phone. Of course, if the police are involved you might also want to be a bit nicer when you ask somebody to bring you papers in the middle of the night. I can only guess that Miguel and this woman who accidentally called me are now in jail or something. I'd try to feel bad about it, but they did wake me up at 2:47am with their message, so I really don't.
I wish I could say that the wrong number call was the only excitement for the evening, but it wasn't.
As I was going to bed shortly after midnight, all kinds of noise and flashing lights were happening outside. Apparently, the crotchety old people in the mobile home next door tried to burn their home down. Two fire trucks arrived at the scene, so apparently it was pretty serious.
These are the same fighting old people I wrote about last year, so part of me suspects that one of them finally tried to kill the other. Welcome to the redneck wilds of Central Washington.
We? Wheee? Wii??? Whatever, it looks like fun and I want one. I hope that Lego Star Wars comes out for it, because using the wireless wand controller like a lightsaber would kick ass!
In an age when Microsoft and Sony are releasing video game systems costing $500+ and titles so complex that they are more like work than entertainment... it's nice to know that Nintendo is focusing on what really matters... FUN GAME PLAY. If the titles end up being anywhere near the quality in the DS games, it's going to be one cool product.
Last night I took my mother and grandmother out for an early Mother's Day dinner. This neatly avoids having to battle the Sunday dining crowds, and didn't require me to make reservations months in advance.
Of course, the term "fancy restaurant" is a relative term. If you live in New York, Chicago, L.A., or any other large city, you would undoubtedly laugh your ass off over what qualifies as "fancy" here in Wenatchee, Washington. As if to prove my point, arguably the best restaurant in town is a burgers and pizza pub called "McGlinn's Public House" (I'd provide a link to their site, but it's a shitty Flash monstrosity that sums up just about everything I HATE in a web site). Out of all the places to eat in the valley, this is the only one I really like.
Not wanting to take my grandmother to a pub... even a really nice one like McGlinn's... we instead went to "The Cottage Inn" which is kind of like a boring version of Applebees. The food is pretty good for Wenatchee (mostly steaks and stuff). Most important, however, is that the atmosphere is very non-threatening and grandma-approved. This type of setting makes The Cottage Inn a favorite haunt for the elderly, and it seems like there is never anybody under 60 eating there.
This presents a problem.
Since most everybody is old, dinner conversation usually revolves around health problems.
Scary health problems.
I remember one time where the table next to mine had four old ladies actively discussing their bowel and bladder issues while they were eating. Once they got to the point where they were having to wear diapers on road trips, I was ready to kill myself. Last night was no different. The booth directly behind me was talking about all kinds of balls-nasty crap. As I was trying to enjoy my baked potato and salad dinner, I kept hearing words like "bile" and "mucous" and "spleen".
WTF? Why would anybody want to talk about this crap while eating?
It was so bad that I didn't even want to order dessert. And I ALWAYS order dessert. Things like this have me hoping I die before I get to the point where I feel the need to discuss my bowels and spleen in public.
I've been so busy with my job lately that everything else has taken a back seat to work. I was going to write a long rant about what a whiny douche-bag loser Real Networks CEO Rob Glaser is, then continue with a dozen other things that fill me with rage... but I don't have the time. So instead I've decided to do the "Memes for Adults" meme that I'm lifting from Avitable.
Oddly enough, it probably took more time to answer the forty questions than it would have taken to write my rant. Oh well. I put it all in an extended entry for those of you who like to skip these things...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
She turned to the man standing just there and opened her mouth as if to speak. Somehow sensing that words would never adequately express the love in her heart, she gently laid her head upon his shoulder and began to weep. Holding the woman tightly as night descended upon them, the man comforted her as best he could. They were alone now. The tourist crowds had long since departed into the sunset, ill-prepared for the chill that spread through the air like a ghost. Though the woman's legs were weakened by her desire, his arms held her strong. Savoring this perfect moment, she knew then that she would never fall. Never ever ever fall again. And just as she was beginning to hope that the moment would never end, the man let loose with a mighty fart, the reverberations echoing cleanly in the crisp night. He instinctively looked around for a dog to blame but, alas, there was none to be found. The spell broken, they drift apart now, only their fingertips touching as they walk away into darkness.
Ahem.
Yeah, sometimes I have no idea either.
The entirety of my Sunday evening was spent trying to assemble a T-shirt order for everybody who won or purchased them. After six hours getting everything straightened out, it somehow all came together in a massive pile of PayPal receipts and emails...
My task was made considerably more difficult in that nearly one-third of the orders never resulted in a PayPal email notification, so I had to go back through all the orders again to make sure my count was correct.
The GOOD news is that I am finally finished now, and my shirt order has been sent in. I am hopeful that the distributor has everything in stock so I can ship everything out by the end of the month (I am getting tired of all those CDs, books, and DVDs cluttering up my dinner table). I promise to send out an email once I have a date to share.
There has got to be a better way to do this next time. Order counts were quadrupled from last year, and I was taken completely by surprise at the amount of work it was going to be. Heaven only knows how many trips to the post office I'm going to have to make once the shirts arrive.
And I do it all for you, dear reader. All for you.
I have wasps.
Lots of wasps. They built a nest out on the tiny little deck at the back of my apartment. A big one. I didn't want to hurt them but, since I'm paying rent here, they're the ones who are going to have to move. So I whacked the board that the nest was affixed to with a broom handle, causing it to fall down. I figured if the nest was exposed, they would abandon it and go make a new one somewhere else. It was a good plan.
Except they didn't abandon it. Instead they built a sun porch and remodeled the dining room. They're not going anywhere.
And they really hate me now.
I'm kind of afraid to go to sleep at night, thinking that they might find a way inside to seek revenge. I know I certainly would if somebody beat the shit out of my home like that...
And the reason I know all about revenge is because I have decided to start carrying a chain saw in the trunk of my car. There's a lot of times that I have found myself in need of one, so now I'm going to make sure I'm prepared when the situation calls for it. Like this afternoon at the grocery store.
Parking was at a premium. Almost every spot was filled. It was our very first hot day of the season, and everybody and they're dog decided to buy ice cream and have a barbecue. All I wanted was a carton of milk and some eggs, but I couldn't find a spot. Not because there weren't spots to be had... but because people are idiots.
I now present... HOW TO PARK YOUR FRICKIN' CAR!!!
Isn't that nice? They have positioned themselves squarely in the center of the space, leaving free and easy access to the spaces beside them. But not everybody is this smart...
So you see... here is where I have a problem. The person who parked this car is clearly an idiot in desperate need of having their shit ruined.
Hence the chain saw I'll be carrying in my trunk from now on...
The hockey mask is not a requirement, I just think it looks like a fun thing to wear when cutting stuff up with a chain saw.
Anyway.
For the fourth night in a row, I am not able to sleep. I was joking about the wasps keeping me awake, but not about the insomnia. I don't know how I am going to function tomorrow if I can't get at least a few hours rest tonight. But hey, if I wait two minutes, it will be tomorrow, and I'll already have my blog entry done for the day. Go me.
Wait a second... do you hear that buzzing noise??
Great Odin's Raven!
The wasps/bees/hornets/yellow jackets/whatver ARE REBUILDING!!
This morning I whipped back the curtains only to find that they were everywhere. All over the glass... patrolling the deck... AND REBUILDING THEIR NEST!! And they are REBUILDING IT UNDER A TV TRAY!! These little minions of Satan are indeed evil... EVIL TO THE CORE!!
Here is a corner of the old nest that I knocked down...
They are still using it... for something. I can only guess that they have converted the thing into an incubator for some kind of super-mutant-wasp creature meant to destroy me.
All that being said, they are really fascinating creatures to watch. The are very graceful in flight...
And here are the little bastards rebuilding their new ULTRA-SUPER-NEST-OF-DOOM!!
Heaven help me.
I can't really bring myself to kill any creature, so I'm still debating how to handle this. I'm thinking that tonight while they are sleeping I will pitch the old nest into the neighboring field along with the TV tray. I'll then soak down everything and try to make sure there's nothing else for them to build under. If you don't hear from me again, it's because I'm dead. Stung to death by whatever these little hellions are.
In happier news, here is a photo of my Converse Batman All-Star Chuck Taylors that some of you were asking about...
Aren't they totally cool? I'd wear them always but, since you can't buy them anymore, I limit myself to once or twice a year on special occasions. Like the party in Chicago...
WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH... I'M A MURDERER!!!
Okay, I tried really hard to get rid of the wasps that decided to make my home their home. I really did. I knocked down their nest, put water everywhere, threw out anything that made a desirable nesting place... but no matter what I did, they kept coming back. Tonight I noticed that they were rebuilding, FOR THE THIRD TIME, and now they didn't seem to care that it was on the ground instead of hanging protected somewhere.
Obviously drastic measures were required.
So I got some RAID "Wasp & Hornet Spray" to take care of the situation. After shooing away as many as I could, I soaked all the areas they tried building. Some of the buggers were caught in the crossfire, and paid for it with their lives. I now have tiny chemical-soaked wasp carcasses on my deck, which is very sad. But the poison worked almost instantly, so at least they didn't suffer... at least so far as I could tell.
I am hoping that the smell of the spray will keep everybody else away. I don't want to have to kill any more of the little guys.
But it sure does beat the alternative...
And so now I'm wallowing in guilt.
Nothing a few hours of hard work and listening to some Pantera won't cure, I'm sure.
In better news...
Argh. I had maybe a two-hour nap last night, and hoped for better sleep tonight. But here it is 1:30am, and I am wide awake, AGAIN. How can I be totally exhausted and wide awake at the same time? Insomnia sucks ass.
Well, my wasp problem appears to have abated. Every once in a while, a little guy wanders up, but the hordes of horrifying insects that once occupied my deck have gone. I feel sorry for the wasps which do return only to find the dead bodies of their fallen comrades (and a once beautiful nest soaked with poison chemicals). The can of RAID tells me that the residue left behind can continue to kill for weeks, so I can only hope that the mass destruction and poison smell is enough of a warning for the little fellows to keep away.
I console myself over my insecticidal tendencies by imagining that the surviving wasps went on to find a nice tree somewhere and built a new home.
Self-delusion works for me.
I went to the library post office this afternoon to drop off my latest NetFlix rental (Wimbledon, which is probably great if you like tennis, but I thought it was kind of sappy/boring/lame) and noticed some bitch freaking out in the lobby. Apparently, she dropped her mail on the floor and had to pick it up. But that's not what caused her to lose it... she was crazy-insane because the little subscription cards in her magazines were flying everywhere as she was picking things up.
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO PUT SO MANY F#@%ING CARDS IN MY F#@%ING MAGAZINES!!! THAT'S JUST F#@%ING STUPID!! AND A WASTE OF F#@%ING PAPER!!!! SOMEBODY SHOULD MAKE THESE F#@%ING THINGS F#@%ING ILLEGAL!! AAAAAAAHHHHH... WHY DO THEY F#@%ING DO THAAAAAAAAT!!!!
Ordinarily I wouldn't have cared, but she had her kid with her.
What kind of mother screams this kind of crap in front of their kid? What kind of dumbass makes such a ridiculous public display over magazine subscription cards? Seriously, WTF?!?
As I walked by, I made the mistake of asking her a question...
Dave: Do you really want to know why they stuff those subscription cards in magazines?
Bitchy Muther: LET'S HEAR IT SMART GUY!!
Dave: It's because they work. Those things cost good money to print and insert, but publishers pay it because the little cards work. If they didn't work, they wouldn't waste the cash.
Bitchy Muther: OH YEAH? WELL LET'S SEE HOW WELL THEY WORK WHEN I F#@%ING CANCEL ALL MY F#@%ING SUBSCRIPTIONS!!
Uh huh.
I was going to tell her that her little act of cancellation defiance would be about as effective as screaming at a piece of paper in a post office lobby, but held my peace. I most certainly did not mention that I have designed my share of subscription cards over the years. My self-preservation instinct overruled my smart-ass instinct for some reason.
I also taught myself a lesson.
I frickin' HATE television commercials that feature somebody chewing crunchy foods. It annoys the shit out of me. Potato chip commercials... breakfast cereal commercials... whatever... I HATE THAT CRAP! I don't want to hear it in real-life, why should I have to hear it during entertainment breaks? Aren't the commercials bad enough without having to annoy people too?
I can only guess that advertising agencies do it because it works.
For some reason listening to some idiot smacking away makes for a compelling motivator to buy their stuff. I don't know why... honestly I don't... but it must work or they wouldn't do it.
WELL LET'S SEE HOW WELL THOSE ADVERTISEMENTS WORK WHEN I F#@%ING STOP BUYING THEIR F#@%ING ANNOYING CRAP FOODS!!!
Okay, maybe I didn't teach myself a lesson.
Oh well. Back to work.
And so I went and bought an Intel Duo-Core Mac Mini.
I guess this won't be very surprising... I am a total Mac whore. Me buying something from Apple is about as shocking as water being wet. What is somewhat surprising is that I bought the little guy to be a media server. It's hooked up to my television, and has a copy of all my music, photos, videos, movies, and even a complete backup of my current work files. I can access all of it from any room in my apartment via wireless. Eventually I'll have it set up so I can access it remotely over the internet as well. It does everything a "real" server does, but is remarkably small...
It's so small, that I think I could probably fit six of them into my Mac G4 Cube, which was the smallest computer I had owned to date. The cool thing is that it seems quite a bit faster as well.
And now I am off to wash clothes so I can get my suitcase packed this weekend. But before I go...
Just a reminder that I was a guest blogger over at Chasing Vincenzo yesterday. At least it was supposed to be yesterday, except I couldn't get my entry to post, so it's actually this morning. So if you just can't get enough of my nonsense, here's a link to RW's blog.
I don't feel good.
I woke up this morning and the room was spinning. It was like a hangover, but without the benefit of having gotten drunk the night before. I'm thinking that it might be that avian bird flu that's going 'round. I should have liked to stay in bed all day, but I have a quick trip to get ready for.
Before I leave town, it's customary to back-up my PowerBook just in case somebody should steal it. Now that I have my Mac Mini Server in place, it's a piece of cake. Enjoyable even. Then afterwards, just to be sure everything went okay, I randomly open some files. That's when this DaveToon came up...
I had absolutely no recollection of drawing it or even if I had used it (yep, I had), but it's kind of ironic because this is exactly how I feel today.
If only I had that fifth of Jack Daniels to blame.
After working myself to death for 26 hours, I managed to get a few hours sleep before going back out to an on-site job. After that was over, I should have gone back to bed, but instead went to the cinema to see Mission: Impossible III. The fact that I did not fall asleep during the film kind of speaks for itself. I enjoyed it quite a lot (certainly more than the pervious two).
Given that JJ Abrams wrote and directed M:i:III, it should come as no surprise that it plays like a really good episode of Alias (well, an early episode of Alias, back in the first season when the show was actually worth a crap). Except this time JJ had a massive budget and got to really let his mind run wild. Between the action, stunts, and locations... there's plenty of stuff to keep things interesting. This is a good thing, because the story itself is pretty formulaic with a not-so-surprising surprise along the way. There's also a slightly annoying plot hole around who knew what and when, but it's all in good fun.
Kind of makes me glad that the cool (yet cheesy) original-original series is going to be released on DVD.
That leaves only one movie left that I am really looking forward to this summer (and a handful of others I'll probably see)...
Pretty slim pickings. You just know it's a crappy summer for movies when one of the films on my top-5 must-see list is My Super Ex-Girlfriend.
Bleh.
Violence is not my way. At least not anymore.
Since applying Buddhist philosophies to my life, I am a much happier person. I'm not saying that Buddhism is for everybody, but it sure has helped me make sense of this insane world we live in. Unfortunately, it can also be a darn nuisance. Mostly because of the whole "non-violence thing". A primary precept of Buddhism is to do no harm. Since this includes not killing people, I spend most of my time being frustrated.
Take today for instance. If it weren't for my Buddhist leanings, this would be the evening headline...
And don't think it's because I enjoy the idea of killing people... I don't.
It's just that some people are too stupid to let live.
And a good chunk of them are Seattle drivers. It never ceases to amaze me how utterly idiotic some of them get when it rains. And since it rains a bit more here than it does in other cities, this is not okay. I spent a lot of time this morning stuck in traffic and blinded with rage at dumbasses who have no business being behind the wheel.
But it's not just drivers. After checking in to my hotel, I ran to the elevator. A woman there had already pressed her floor, and so I pressed mine which was two floors lower. This instantly caused her to get pissed because now she had to make a stop at my floor before getting to her own...
Stupid Bitch: Well I WAS in a hurry.
Dave: THEN WHY DON'T YOU GET A ROOM ON THE FIRST FLOOR SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE THE ELEVATOR THEN?!??
Stupid Bitch: What-ever.
Uh huh. The world would definitely be a better place if people like this bitch weren't in it.
But instead of strangling her right there in the elevator, I walk away.
Because violence is not my way. At least not anymore.
This will be a short entry because I am tired. I am tired because I have been working for almost 16 hours now. And when I get tired, my eyes don't want to focus very well... especially on a computer screen, which makes typing into my blog very difficult. It is difficult because I cannot look directly at the screen, but instead have to trick myself into seeing what I type by looking at the screen out of the corner of my eye.
Not only is this a slow and inefficient way to type, but it gives me a headache.
Hence the short entry.
For a dinner break I went to eat at one of my most favorite restaurants ever... Johnny Rockets. I always order a Streamliner Veggie Burger with NO grilled onions and NO mustard. I like these burgers so much that I had the same thing for dinner last night and will probably have the same thing again for dinner tomorrow. I would also have one of these burgers for breakfast in the morning, but Johnny Rockets isn't open for breakfast. I suppose that even if they were open for breakfast, they probably wouldn't be serving Streamliner Veggie Burgers with NO grilled onions and NO mustard on their breakfast menu, so I guess it really doesn't matter if they were open for breakfast or not. Because you can get scrambled eggs and toast anywhere.
After dinner at Johnny Rockets I walked back to my hotel room so I could work some more.
Along the way I saw a guy holding this sign in front of Macy's...
Ninjas killed my family... I need money for kung-fu lessons.
This was funny enough that I sincerely wanted to give him money, but I am not allowed to do that. You see, if I were to give him money, he could then use that money to harm others (by buying a gun and shooting them or something) or harm himself (by buying drugs or something). If he was hungry, I could buy him food... or if he was sick I could buy him medicine (for example)... but giving money is out of the question. Oh well. It was still a cool sign.
As if that weren't interesting enough, I also overheard a disheveled man talking to his equally disheveled friend outside of the Starbucks at Westlake...
"No Man... No Man... It burns when I'm peein' man. There's something wrong up there. There's something wrong".
This was amusing at first, but then it made me sad. It makes me sad that it burns when this man pees and he can't afford to go see a doctor and get it fixed. This being America, one of the wealthiest nations on the face of the earth, I think that everybody should have the right to pee burn-free. How f#@%ed up is it that we can spend billions of dollars blowing shit up half a world away, but this man has to go through life with a penis that feels like it's on fire when he urinates?
This kind of stupid shit drives me insane.
It also makes me want to go to Washington D.C. and bitch-slap every f#@%ing politician in the city.
Well.
This entry has gone on for a lot longer than I thought it would. And now I have a headache. Blargh.
I started the day with the worst breakfast in the worst restaurant with the worst service ever. I think there was something wrong with my eggs too, because I eventually got very very sick. It felt like my intestines were going to burst out of my torso, and the pain was kind of harsh. I had no idea what was going on down there, so I took a Pepto Bismol, an Immodium, a Gas-X, a Pepcid AC, and a couple of TUMS. None of that made me feel much better, but at least I didn't explode or anything.
Maybe it's salmonella poisoning.
Tomorrow I'm going to eat breakfast at McDonalds where I know it's safe.
"Safe" being a relative term, of course. But I can't risk getting sick again when I've got two more days of work ahead of me.
So what's on TV?
The last time I watched Lost, Locke and Jack were fighting over whether or not to push a button. I wrote about the sheer idiocy of it all here.
Wanting to know if anything had changed on that stupid, stupid show... I decided to buzz by tonight's season finale for a minute and see what's happening. And what did I find?
Locke and some other guy are fighting over whether or not to push a button.
Holy crap.
Somebody please explain how a show that never changes and keeps recycling the same shit over and over and over again with NO resolution and NO answers can be so popular? Who actually gives a crap anymore? Not me. I gave up months ago, and am now thrilled that I didn't waste my time watching it with the expectation that things would change.
Hmmm... I hope the hotel doesn't fine me for borrowing a towel for Towel Day 2006 tomorrow!
Today was Towel Day, which was kind of inconvenient given my work schedule... but I stuck it out all the way until dinner because I love Douglas Adams more than sliced bread. Fortunately, there was no nasty note from housekeeping when I got back. I guess we'll see if they try to bill me for borrowing their towel when I check out tomorrow.
And... uhhhh... I guess that's it?
Well that's just sad.
I suppose if I have nothing else to say today, it must be time for a meme that I stole from Neil...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
All the web is abuzz with the news that O'Reilly has decided to trademark "Web 2.0" for their exclusive use for conferences and such. This has pissed off some people. Well, actually it's pissed off just about everybody. To be honest, I can't really blame them. This is a generic term that has no business what-so-ever being trademarked and, if it is approved, just goes to show how terribly f#@%ed up our trademark system is.
Don't tell anybody, but I am secretly hoping that O'Reilly gets the registration.
And why is that?
Let me tell you why...
I f#@%ing hate the asinine term "Web 2.0"... HATE IT!! I refuse to use it. And the quickest way to kill off this stupid shit is to piss everybody off so badly that they won't want to use it either. Having the trademark approved is the best thing that could possibly happen.
Every time I hear somebody mention "Web 2.0" I want to punch them in the face. It's one of those things that only has meaning if somebody is trying to sell you something... in reality, it has zero relevance to the ever-evolving web. It's like trying to draw a line in the sand to mark the tide. It doesn't work. The waves come in. The waves go out. Your line is slowly eaten away as the tide does whatever it's going to do.
Much like the internet.
When I started with the World Wide Web it was text only. About as extravagant as you could get to dress up your website was to add the "blink" tag. THAT was "Web 1.0". So you could say that "Web 2.0" was adding TABLES to the web. Or was Web 2.0 adding IMAGES to the web? Flash? Javascript? CSS? By my count, we're up to like "Web 27.2" now. Applying numbers is just plain stupid.
So let O'Reilly have it to sell their books and conferences. That's about all it's good for anyway.
Part of the human condition is the need to feel superior to others. It's kind of sad and petty, but it's built into our wiring somehow, and so I've learned to accept it. But it still doesn't make me very happy when people pull the superiority card on me.
Yesterday as I was heading out of Seattle, I came up to a stop light where I needed to make a right turn. While waiting for a chance to take my free-right, this douchebag on a bicycle comes rolling up along my right side AND LEANS ON MY CAR! Even worse, he's not turning, and so he's effectively blocking me from taking my free-right.
So when traffic opens up, I move forward a little bit so he'll get off my car and I can turn.
This doesn't go over very well with the dumbass bicyclist. He starts smacking my hood and screaming about my "gas guzzling polluter of a car" (which is kind of upsetting because my car actually gets pretty good gas mileage). Apparently, since he's riding a bicycle, he's entitled to do whatever the heck he wants and everybody else is just supposed to kiss his ass. I've just been dealt a superiority card.
And yet if I were to run over this idiot, I would be the one hauled off to jail! Where's the justice in that?
Truth to tell, I'm no better... as a Mac user I feel superior to Windows users, for example... but I would hope that I'm not THIS big of a jerk about it (though I was at the Apple Store today and think the new MacBook kicks serious ass).
Just one week to go...
Woo hoo!
Ugh. Raining buckets in Seattle on a lazy Sunday. I think I'll stay in the city for another day with my friends...
Today is the Memorial Day holiday, which isn't much of a holiday at all when you have to work.
The drive back from Seattle-side was uneventful because I headed out early before there was any traffic on the roads. It was still overcast and drizzling in the city when I left, then poured rain all the way over Stevens Pass. Once I was over the pass, however, everything changed. The skies opened up to a glorious blue and, by the time I made it home, there wasn't a cloud in the sky (really!).
This was nice for the Memorial Day services going on at our local cemetery because they display hundreds of flags (one for each veteran killed in service, I think). If it rains, they can't hang the flags since they have nowhere to dry so many of them. And if the ceremony was cancelled, I'd miss this beautiful site...
With apologies to R.W. (who is wanting a new flag design), I must say that the "Stars and Stripes" sure looks great against that flawless blue sky! If you look closely at the second photo, you can see how they mark each pennant that goes up with somebody's name.
I am not a big fan of the cemetery. For one thing, a good chunk of my family (not to mention my best friend) are buried there, and it's kind of depressing to be reminded that they have gone. When I picture them in my head, I see them as if they're still alive... but here in the cemetery it's hard to see them as anything but dead. I suppose that's why I don't visit very often.
One thing I do find interesting is the mystical symbols that are carved on various tombstones. In particular, the inverted pentagram seems to be a popular choice. I always thought this was a sign of heavy metal music or satan worshipers, and yet here it is all over the place, and always on lady's headstones...
Since heavy metal wasn't around back when these people were alive, I am guessing it means that they are satan worshipers. That woman in the middle must be hard-core, because she's got a hammer on hers as well! But when I look at the names of the people buried under the markers and see "Mae" and "Betty" and "Eleanor" and "Mabel"... well, those don't seem much like the names of satan worshipers does it?
I guess that means they were heavy metal fans after all... just really, really ahead of their time.
Well, I went ahead and saw X-Men 3: The Last Stand despite the fact that I thought the first two X-movies sucked major ass. Turns out that X3 sucks too, but not nearly as badly as the previous films (hey, at least this time the super-powered mutants had moments where they were actually shown being super-powered mutants). In order to avoid ruining the film for anybody who hasn't seen it, my spoiler-ridden notes are in an extended entry. Suffice to say that I thought the film had a few geeky moments to please X-fans, but fell way short of being a worthy adaptation of the source material. Such a pity, because I am a major X-whore...
But here's the deal... as bad as I felt X3 was, it positively shines in comparison to the total ass-draining suckage that is known as The Da Vinci Code. Holy shit what a crap-fest of a film! Sure it was hampered by the lame source material, but Ron Howard & Company failed on just about every possible level to create any semblance of movie entertainment.
Long. Boring. Pandering. Safe. Uninspired. DEAD.
Even though I am not a big fan of the book, at least the written version had a small amount of bite to it. The film is just a mess that takes otherwise capable actors and waters them down to base stupidity. Audrey Tautou is absolutely brilliant in Amelie and the astounding A Very Long Engagement, but is given nothing to do here. All she gets is to stand in the corner all doe-eyed while Tom Hanks solves a series of by-the-numbers puzzles. A total waste of her considerable talent, and an even further embarrassment to the movie.
Maybe The Da Vinci Code is worth a video rental for a boring evening, but it's completely miss-able at the theater. Do yourself a favor and save your money. While you wait to rent the DVD at NetFlix, you can read The DAVEinci Code instead...
And there you have it. A bad night for movies all around. If you haven't seen X3 and don't want it ruined, DO NOT read onward...
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Yes, that was really me in The Wall Street Journal today. It should come as no surprise to anybody that such a respectable and upstanding publication is reading Blogography... all the really important people end up here eventually (and doesn't that make you feel special?). All I know is that if I were looking for a "Voice of Authority" for my article, the first person I would seek out would be me... so it all makes perfect sense.
So now I'm famous.
Famous and soon to be rich!
That's because the incomparable Liz over at Everyday Goddess has sent me a "god of wealth" coin. This guy in Japan is sending out coins so people can make a wish for wealth and then pass along to somebody else. Then, at the end of the year, people will return the coins and he'll visit a shrine to offer them to the god of wealth (whose name is Daikoku) so our wishes can be heard. Sweet!
Now... before all the nut-jobs out there decide to send me an email which condemns me to hell for worshiping pagan idols or some crap like that... please repeat after me... IT'S JUST FOR FUN!!
Though, if I were to go shopping for a god, I think anybody branded "the god of wealth" would be at the top of my list.
I am of the opinion that people who suffer from road rage are probably blameless for their condition. There are so many total dumbasses on the road that it's no wonder people are enraged. By the time I finally got across the mountains I was so overwhelmed with anger that I was very close to having a mental breakdown. You know it's bad when your throat is sore from screaming at idiots for three solid hours (knowing full well that they will never hear you).
Here is a puzzle for you...
Given the above situation do you...
A: Realize that you are delaying traffic and pissing people off, so you pull over at the next turnout.
OR...
B: Think that you are the center of the universe, don't give a shit about anybody else, and don't bother pulling off at the turnout because it would be an inconvenience.
If you answered A, then congratulations! You not only know how to read, but you also know how to drive legally! This gives you a DaveQ of 1000, so please go get a badge and display it proudly!
If you answered B, then please f#@% off and die. Seriously. It's bad enough that you are going 18 miles an hour under the speed limit, but the fact that you are breaking the law and causing people to have a brain hemorrhage BECAUSE YOU WON'T PULL THE F#@% OFF THE ROAD TO LET US PASS... well, I just want your stupid ass beat to shit until you die.
DIE! DIE! DIE!!!
Ahem. But it was all worth it because once I got to Redmond it was Zombie time...
Everything turned out super-sweet (though the photos look a little freaky because I had to use a flash).
These shirts are pretty nifty because they are so astoundingly useful...
CONDITION: Hung-over on a Monday morning at work due to a weekend of heavy partying? EXCUSE YOU CAN USE: Zombies ate my brain.
CONDITION: Stayed up too late watching a marathon of old Arnold Schwartzenegger movies? EXCUSE YOU CAN USE: Zombies ate my brain.
CONDITION: Sick with the flu but can't afford to miss a day of work? EXCUSE YOU CAN USE: Zombies ate my brain.
CONDITION: Fall asleep while making love to your significant other? EXCUSE YOU CAN USE: Zombies ate my brain.
The beauty of it all is that you don't even have to say a word... just point to the shirt!
And now I'm off to Chicago...
My Horizon flight was cancelled this morning due to the ever-vague "mechanical difficulties". Color me shocked.
Since I started this blog three years ago, I have had four mechanical-related cancelations (argh)... and that doesn't even begin to cover the dozens of Horizon departure delays that happened in-between. Now we're up to FIVE "mechanical difficulty" cancelations. In THREE YEARS!!
I mean, HOLY SHIT! Given all these problems, I can't help but wonder why their aircraft are not falling out of the sky on a regular basis!
But it's my fault. You would think that I would learn. I should just bit the bullet and fly out of Seattle. But it's so NICE not having to drive 3-1/2 hours back home after I return. I love being twenty minutes away from my house when I get back from an exhausting trip instead of having to spend another two-hundred-and-ten minutes driving.
So, instead of landing in Chicago right about now, I haven't even left yet...
And as if that's weren't bad enough, I have this peanut-eating bitch sitting behind me that keeps kicking her seat and making little "hmph hmph" noises in her throat. She's creeping me out. And now I smell like peanuts...
Kill me. Kill me now.
And if my plane falls apart in mid-air due to "mechanical difficulties"... please know that I love you all. Each and every one of you.
Well, everybody except Avitable.
Something tells me that anybody who would eat ice cream cones with Hitler is somebody you should probably distance yourself from in the interest of good karma in the afterlife.
UPDATE: By some miracle, Horizon managed to keep their airplane in one piece all the way to Seattle. Apparently I have a flight to Chicago sometime tonight, but can't find a gate agent to confirm it. One thing is for sure... it's going to be a long, long day.
Flying Horizon Airlines with their myriad of "mechanical difficulties" has me thinking quite a lot about my death.
Not so much about how I will be ascending to a higher plane of existence from which I shall continue to bless my loyal readers... but more about where my earthly remains shall be interned. Something befitting a man of my stature and brilliance. Something with eternal flames... and a gift shop.
After thinking about it during the bumpy ride into Seattle, I finally came up with a rough concept...
I think perhaps a statue monument made out of Italian marble that's around fifty stories tall should do the trick. And it would be hollowed out just like the Statue of Liberty so visitors could climb into my head and observe the surrounding 200,000 acres of pristine wild-lands which surround my eternal resting place (formerly known as Mt. Rainier National Park).
I'll be setting up a tip jar here so that everybody can do their part to immortalize me in this nifty monument. I am pretty sure that something like this will cost at least a couple of billion dollars, so dig deep... DIG WAAAAAYYY DOWN DEEP... into those pockets for your tax-deductable* contribution.
* At least any donation should be tax-deductable. Write your legislators today!
How is it that you can spend an entire evening with complete strangers, yet be chatting away as if you were old friends immediately after sitting to the table? A meet-up with your fellow bloggers, that's how!
Truth to tell, there's really no way of knowing how something like this is going to go down. Blogs can only tell you so much about a person, and there's no way of knowing what they are like in "real-life" until you meet face-to-face. And then you run the risk that the bloggers you meet will be totally psychotic, and everybody will end up fighting and screaming. Fortunately, I was the only psychotic person there, and nobody seemed to notice.
As it ends up, everybody had a really good time. At least I know I did. A nicer bunch of people you'll never meet, and now I have some new blogging friends to read (not to mention an awesome new pizza to look for: MASHED POTATO PIZZA!). All in all, it was a great night, and has me wishing I could meet up with my readers and fellow-bloggers more often.
Super-Best-Friend Bloggers Roll Call...
The evening started out with really good pizza at Piece...
And ended with mango mojitos at a tequila bar called Salud...
Though I think Bob is contemplating the "world's worst wine" there, and I have no idea what lethal red concoction Jen is drinking. Out of all of us, Gary is the only one who actually had one of Salud's famous margaritas. Probably because "Mango Mojito" just sounds too tempting (and is fun to say).
Thanks to everybody who attended for a terrific night out!
Jenny and I had made plans to check out the Chris Ware showing at the Museum of Contemporary Art today. I am a huge admirer of his work, and was happy to find a fellow fan to share the exhibit with. Luckily, Gary was still in town as well, so the three of us set out to explore Chicago after I had spent way too much money in the museum gift shop.
First it was the the Printer's Row Book Fair, where we ran across the very cool Harold Washington Library Center...
It was such a beautiful day that it seemed a shame not to walk up to Millennium Park so we could see the newly polished "Cloud Gate" sculpture. All the seams have finally been buffed out, and we were anxious to see the new and improved "seamless bean". Along the way, we caught up with some protesters being addressed by the cops in a "Segway to Justice!"
As expected, the bean was stunning under the flawless blue skies...
And then, before we knew it, it was time for a quick lunch and goodbye...
What a terrific way to spend a Sunday!
I just got back from dinner at Fogo de Chão.
For anybody who has never eaten there, it's kind of a vegetarian's nightmare where fanciful chefs in goucho pants wander around the restaurant with butcher knives and skewers of meat... continuously feeding you a variety of dead animals until you explode. Ordinarily I would have skipped an invitation to such a place, but they have a very good salad bar and so I was happy to go. I admit that the never-ending parade of meat to the table is a bit distracting, but eventually I am able to just ignore it...
Well, they don't really go wandering around with a pig's head... but you get the idea.
Anyway...
It was an interesting end to an otherwise sucky day. Lets go back in time eight hours...
Today should have been fairly uneventful because I spent most of it in my hotel room working. But the weather outside was so beautiful that I couldn't resist rewarding myself with a walk up to Johnny Rockets for lunch.
That was a mistake.
After I had eaten, I spotted a guy giving out free Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I snagged a delicious Chocolate-Chip Cookie Dough cone and happily started walking back to my hotel. I was half-way home when a car coming from the opposite direction turned in front of me as I was making my way through the crosswalk. Apparently they ended up turning wider than they intended, because they nearly ran me down in the street... I actually had to jump out of the way to avoid getting creamed. I never saw a turn signal, and they turned so late that there was really no way for me to anticipate what was going to happen (never mind the fact that I had a "walk" signal).
And while I did avoid death or serious injury... I made a terrible landing. Probably because I was trying not to drop my ice cream. Much to my horror, I twisted my leg and came crashing down on the pavement.
I was too shocked to be angry, but the woman crossing behind me was furious. "DID YOU GET THE LICENSE OF THAT BITCH?!?" she screamed as she leaned over me. "Uh, no... the car was going too fast" I replied, and then stupidly added "it was a silver car".
As I was getting up with my ice cream cone (miraculously spared), a small crowd wandered up as the woman had to tell everybody what had happened... "A BITCH IN A SILVER CAR JUST RAN HIM DOWN!! JUST RAN HIM DOWN IN THE STREET!!" she announced (as if it would have been less tragic had it taken place in a parking lot?).
So now my leg and back are all jacked-up. Fortunately, I have my meds with me.
And just when I think things can't get any worse, I arrive back at my hotel just in time to learn our beloved president is announcing his support for a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage.
It's so nice that the office of the president is continuing to represent ALL the people of this country*.
*Assuming that you are a healthy, white, wealthy, Christian, heterosexual from Texas.
I've already said my peace on the subject, but continue to be amazed at how many people have to suffer in the name of a political agenda. There's no way such an amendment could ever pass, so why sully the office of the president with a statement of such horrific bigotry? Why stir up even more hatred in a country so divided? Why be so intentionally hurtful to his fellow American citizens? Why do this when it's so mind-bogglingly un-presidential? Why?
Probably because his popularity is at an all-time low and he needs to rally support from his conservative fan base for the upcoming mid-term elections.
Which is a pretty crappy thing to do, and begs the question...
When President Bush took his oath of office to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States of America... did he ever bother to f#@%ing read it? I've never cared for Bush, but was always respectful of his office. Now I've been worn down to the point where I just have no respect left to give. It's very sad.
So now I am hurting both in body and in spirit. I just want to take a few more pills, go to sleep, and make the world go away. Maybe everything will be better when I wake up in the morning.
I can dream, can't I?
I feel so violated! I just rode twenty-seven floors with a couple who were going at it in the elevator. Without sounding like a total prude... ew! Surely they realize that nobody wants to see that? I mean, if I were trapped in the elevator with two lesbian porn stars, maybe... but this dopey guy and his skank-ho girlfriend? No thanks. Some people should be banned from displays of public affection (and, unless you actually ARE a lesbian porn star, this means you).
Tonight's dinner was at one of the best Thai restaurants outside of Thailand... Vong's Thai Kitchen. They have a "Yellow Vegetable Pad Thai" to die for. Succulent, flaky noodles that aren't the least bit gummy! Here is what I got out of my Thai fortune cookie at the end...
If you cannot read my drunken photo, it says: "Everyone agrees you are the best". I never really doubted this, but it's nice to have proof in writing.
I woke up with mild pain in my back and only a little tenderness in my leg... so apparently I am going to survive getting run down in the street yesterday. This is a good thing, because it means I don't have to take pills (which I hate, because it makes me sleepy all day). It also meant that I got to bum around the candy expo here in Chicago. It's always a cool event, mainly because I love me the free samples of sugary treats! There were many wonders to behold, but two things stood out for me...
The first is CHOCOLATE PEEPS!! Yes, Peeps are now available cocoa flavored! I like Peeps, even though I can't eat them (marshmallow has gelatin, which is made from gross animal parts I refuse to stick in my mouth)...
Maybe it's just that I like saying "Peeps" a lot?
Next up was the PEZ booth. PEZ is a candy I love and actually DO eat. The big surprise was that they had the American Chopper guys from Orange County Choppers make them a cool bike...
And that's all she wrote. It has been a very long day.
BUT BEFORE I GO... in deference to Mistress Eve on this most auspicious date of 06-06-06, I am hereby recognizing "Day of Slayer" by rocking out to the ever-excellent death-metal classic album South of Heaven on my iPod (yes, I know you are supposed to blast without headphones, but they would most certainly kick me out of the hotel for that!). Slay on my Mistress of Metal!
♫ The root of all evil is the heart of a black soul... a force that has lived all eternity! ♫ A never ending search for a truth never told... the loss of all hope and your dignity! ♫
My last day in Chicago was spent working, which is such a bummer given the beautiful weather and all the nifty things to do in the city. As I type this, fireworks are being shot off of Navy Pier just down the road from my hotel. I don't think that it's a holiday, so I'm not sure what's going on. Perhaps the fact that it's another glorious day in The Windy City is reason enough to celebrate?
I'm too tired to write comprehensive sentences, so it's time for bullet points!
Oh yeah... on the way back from lunch I finally remembered to take a photo of this cool mural that's a 3-D image of Michelangelo's sculpture masterpiece "Moses"...
A brilliant likeness of the original, which is located in "San Pietro in Vincoli" basilica in Rome.
Argh. Time to pack my suitcase so I don't have to worry about it in the morning.
Goodbye Chicago.
If I were a Windows fan just now, I would be pissed.
Inconsolably, irrevocably, undeniably pissed... because this long wait for the new "Windows Vista" with delay after delay after delay was so totally not worth it. I finally got to take a look, and it's just. Not. Worth. It.
You could so easily dismiss my criticism as "tainted" because I am a self-admitted Mac-Whore, but the simple fact is that I WANT Windows to be good. I NEED Windows to be good. For one thing, if Windows is some hot shit, Apple has to work harder and push the envelope faster to keep the Mac OS ahead of the game. For another, I have to actually use Windows from time to time, and would like for it to be a good experience. Nothing would make me happier than to finally be raving about Windows.
But, alas, Apple has nothing to worry about. The Windows experience still sucks ass...
I am still trying to figure out what's so radically different in Vista. Sure they tried to make it LOOK more like a Mac than ever before (wheeee! frosty transparent windows!!)... and some processes are more "Mac-like"... but, for the most part, it's just more of the same. Even worse, neither of my two Windows machines (including one that's only a year old!) even supports the new OS fully, so I would have to go out and spend thousands of dollars in order to get a worse experience than my six-year-old Mac G4 Cube? WTF?!?
It still amazes me that people continue to claim that Macs are too expensive. From where I'm sitting, they are the best computer value on the planet... my little $700 Mac Mini is a superior computer experience RIGHT NOW (and does more out of the box) than a Vista machine costing twice as much eventually will. And then we have the NEXT version of OS X ("Leopard" v10.5) dropping soon... perhaps even before Vista ships (if it ever ships)... and heaven only knows what cool stuff is in store for Mac users then.
I may be a Mac whore but I am not a Mac idiot. My loyalty to Apple has been well-earned, but I am all about "the now" and maintain that if Microsoft were to ever release a superior OS, I would have no problem... no problem at all... dumping the Mac and switching to Windows (and the new Intel Macs make this possible at any time).
But Vista ain't going to do it.
Vista doesn't even come close.
Given my complete lack of Windows enthusiasm, I am too bored to write up any kind of review. A quick Google search reveals an article at ComputerWorld that does a better job than I could anyway.
I woke up in the middle of the night and ended up working for four hours. Realizing that I would need some sleep before starting my "real" work day, I decided to take a nap for a couple hours. Waking up refreshed, I was looking forward to this being a good day. I mean, it's Friday, how bad could it get?
You'd think that I would learn to stop asking those kind of questions.
Grabbing my PowerBook off the night-stand, I check my email and the very first one I open is this note from Cynical Dad...
I know you're probably in mourning right now, but in case you haven't heard, let me break the news to you gently. Liz Hurley has been fired from Project Catwalk.
But wait! It gets worse. Her replacement? Kelly Osbourne.
http://www.itv.com/news/entertainment_1316182.html
Sorry,
Chag
WHAT THE BLOODY F#@%?!?
Time for the five steps of mourning...
When you stop and think about it, it all makes perfect sense. Kelly Osborne is totally a worthy replacement for the hottest woman alive...
Because when I think of beauty and class, Kelly Osborne comes immediately to mind...
I mean, I know that Elizabeth Hurley has been a model for nearly 20 years now, so how can she possibly hold a candle to a young, fresh talent like Kelly Osbourne today?
And when one thinks of elegance and poise, is Kelly not the first thing to come to mind?
Forget the fact that Liz has her own successful swim-wear fashion company and Kelly's "Stiletto Killers" fashion line closed its doors two months ago, I'm sure Kelly knows much more about fashion...
And aren't people just sick and tired of looking at Elizabeth Hurley's flawless breasts? I know I sure am!
Trust me, I totally GET IT now...
Besides, Kelly is a famous singer now! Who cares how you look so long as you can sing!
Yep, Kelly is the perfect choice. Nobody says "fashion" quite like a foul-mouthed little bitch who talks as though she's been smacked in the head with a baseball bat...
The thing that totally baffles me here is how incredible Elizabeth Hurley was on the first season of Project Catwalk. She totally blows away Heidi Klum here on the American original series Project Runway. I can only guess that Kelly was cheaper (in every possible way) and so the execs at Sky One decided to cut costs and hire her. Forget the fact that this trashes the reputation of the show completely, so long as you can save a buck, what does it matter? I always thought that British television had higher standards than anything we get here, and having Liz host was proof of that.
Tragic that this is no longer the case. "Too wooden" indeed.
Zombies have invaded my apartment.
Now that I'm back, I'm doing my best to get T-shirt orders packed up for shipment on Monday. And since I've added ladies T's this time, I've got twice as many shirt stacks to deal with. To expedite matters, I've divided all the shirts by size and style into plastic Rubbermaid tubs and have them piled everywhere. Zombies on the dining table. Zombies on kitchen counters. Zombies on the couch. Zombies on the coffee table. Zombies, zombies, zombies.
And now I'm screwed because the post office stiffed me on the 300 shipping boxes I ordered... I got exactly half that number, which means I'm going to have to see if the local office has any in stock. Must be time for a break.
As I type this, I spy a really cute girl out my window.
Mid-30's with a nice smile and light brown hair that I'm imagining smells like a warm summer day (despite our overcast weather). And just as I am aglow with the thought that she will be moving into my apartment complex... be single... be sane... somehow find me irresistible... and want to be mine for the rest of my days... I realize she's just here visiting her grandmother or something, and some guy is waiting for her out in a car with the motor running.
Typical.
I wonder how many hateful comments and emails I'll get because I've just referred to a grown woman as a "girl". Knowing my luck, some raging feminist will make me the poster-boy for sexist pigs and will hold a bra-burning on the hood of my car.
Which would be kind of nice, actually, because the idea of passionate bra-less women calling for my death while setting my car on fire is kind of a turn-on.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with referring to the fairer sex as "girls" (though my lack of ovaries will seriously under-mind such a position, I'm sure). Females start out as baby girls, grow into being little girls, then suddenly blossom into little ladies once puberty hits. After puberty they become young women before graduating into real, live actual women once they leave high school and childhood behind. At some point they may pick up a husband which makes them wives or have children which makes them mothers. Then time creeps steadily forward until women become old ladies at the sunset of their lives.
But all along, girls will be girls to me.
Which probably pisses off the ladies... at least until some guy refers to them as their "girl-friend" which is somehow appropriate at any age (and kind of understandable, because "lady-friend" sounds tawdry no matter how innocently you use it).
Maybe it's a single guy thing? Perhaps by referring to ladies/women/chicks/babes as "girls" it is only because we like to imagine the possibility that this "girl" will become "girlfriend"??
Eh, what would I know... I'm just a guy.
What an incredibly crappy day.
Instead of spending my weekend relaxing, goofing off, and playing Xbox... I instead spent all of it working. Ordinarily this wouldn't bother me so much, but all this non-stop work is driving me insane. Literally.
Lately I've taken to talking to myself. And I'm not talking about simply reciting things in my head, but having actual conversations with myself. Like last night...
Dave: Oh crap, I have no idea what I want for dinner tonight.
Dave: A fried egg sandwich sounds good.
Dave: Hey, that does sound tasty! A fried egg sandwich it is then!
Or this morning...
Dave: I miss Chicago. I could so totally live there. Hey! I should move to Chicago!!
Dave: You don't want to move to Chicago.
Dave: Yeah, I guess you're right.
And just now...
Dave: Now that the season is over, television sucks ass!
Dave: Hey, isn't there new Entourage on tonight?
Dave: Oooh... I almost forgot about that! Thanks for reminding me!
And so on.
My self-psychoanalysis has diagnosed a mild form of schizophrenia, so I've written myself a prescription for a tablespoon of Pepto Bismol and a cold beer. I am convinced that everything can be cured by Peptol Bismol... but I hate the taste of it (hence the beer chaser). If one day they announce that Pepto Bismol cures cancer I won't be the least bit surprised, because the stuff is a miracle in a bottle. I lived on the stuff in college...
Too bad it makes your poop turn black.
And now I'm off to box up a bunch of T-shirt before bedtime...
When my next blogiversary rolls around and I decide to print new T-shirt to celebrate the occasion, somebody slap me. For the first two years, I never had to send out more than fifty shirts. This year there are HUNDREDS to ship, and it's a lot of work (as in an unbelievably huge amount of work).
I spent a big chunk of my weekend folding, bagging, boxing, and processing... yet only managed to get through 94 of the 311 orders I received. Tonight I barely got through another 40. At this rate, it will take me the rest of the week to ship all the shirts out, which makes me feel bad for everybody who's been waiting so long.
Ooh! As I'm typing this just now, thunder ripped through the heavens, lightning started crashing, and a deluge of water started dumping out of the sky.
Almost makes me glad that I didn't pull my motorcycle out of storage yet.
Anyway... I've had a few people ask before, and James just asked again, so I present a recipe for y'all:
Dave's Perfect Fried Egg Sandwich!
And if you're looking for something to watch while eating your sandwich, here's some spiffy-keen new Mac ads...
Look! It's a Mac-In-The-Box!!
Because I've been busy with work and processing T-shirt orders, I'm running behind in my email replies and haven't had much time to respond to my comments (though, rest assured, I treasure each and every one I get, and DO read all of them when I approve them). But the other day I got an email which kind of bothered me, and I thought I'd put it out there before I lose any sleep over it.
Basically, this guy told me that my blog isn't very funny, and if I want to write a humor blog that I should try writing more amusing entries.
This really puzzled me because at no point have I ever claimed that Blogography is a "humor blog". I write what I write. Sometimes funny things happen to me, so people might think of this site as being humorous from time to time... but I don't sit down and think "I'm going to be funny" when I write.
So I wrote back to the guy and asked him what the deal was. Turns out I am up for some kind of "humorous blog" award, and so he showed up here on a day when I was ranting about Windows Vista and couldn't find the funny he was looking for.
I've been up for awards before (and have even won some) I just never talk about it here, because I don't blog to enter contests or win awards. This doesn't make me ungrateful... I am really honored that anybody finds Blogography entertaining enough for something like that... it's just not something I want to spend my time thinking about.
But, since people are going to come here expecting something funny now, I thought I had better not disappoint them. Unfortunately, nothing humorous has happened to me lately.
Except this dream I keep having which is kind of funny...
You know that dream when you are walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City eating a banana and suddenly you realize that you're totally naked and you've grown to giant size? And then you notice that the entire city is populated by monkeys who are all screaming and running away from you? And for some reason the sky has turned all green with pink clouds and you are walking on water, but it's not really water because it's solid? Yeah, that's the one...
Anyway, when I have that dream, it doesn't end the normal way where the monkeys start dancing around singing Madonna's "Holiday"... oh no... for me it's totally different.
For me, the monkeys all of a sudden decide to attack with purple lightsabers like the one Samuel L. Jackson uses in those awful Star Wars prequel movies. But just as they are about to slice you up and steal your banana, A giant Elizabeth Hurley head appears in a beautiful white light! And then little sparkles shoot out from her glorious aura and magically give you laser vision (which is kind of like Superman's heat vision). So now you can zap the filthy little monkeys before they eat your banana...
Then, just as the last monkey disappears, you suddenly find yourself floating up into outer-space! But then the planets and stars turn into giant gum-balls that bounce around you. And since you really like gum, you try to reach out and take a bite, but you can never seem to touch them... they're always just out of reach....
And just as you become frustrated at your lack of gum-based chewing satisfaction, you wake up still holding the banana from your dream. But instead of being alone there is a crack-whore laying next to you that looks suspiciously like Ann Coulter. And then, just before you can start screaming because Ann Coulter is in your bed, you look again and it's not Ann Coulter after all... but a horse's head! Just like in The Godfather! But it isn't a severed head from a dead racehorse, it's a LIVE horse...
And wait for it... HERE'S THE FUNNY BIT... the horse turns to you and says "can I have a bite of your banana?"
And then you realize that you DIDN'T wake up, but you were STILL DREAMING!!
HA HA HA HAAAAAA! THE HORSE WANTS A BITE OF YOUR BANANA!! Isn't that totally the funniest thing you've ever heard?!? I slay me!!
Whoa! I should try to be funny in my blog more often!
I've studied quite a few languages off and on... German, Spanish, Japanese, Portuguese, French, Italian, Thai, and Swedish... to name eight. Out of all of that, only Italian and Japanese really took hold enough for me to offer passable conversation to native speakers. All the others just kind of faded away.
And while all languages are interesting in their own way (and provide a fascinating insight into those who speak it)... German has the word "schadenfreude" which earns it a special place in my heart.
Schadenfreude is "shameful joy" and is used to describe those who find pleasure in the misfortune of others. Like when somebody you don't like breaks their arm and you feel happy about it... that's schadenfreude.
INTERLUDE
Every once in a while a local school or college calls me up to ask if a student can "shadow" me for a day or two so they can see what it's like to be a graphic designer. If I have the time, I always say "yes" because heaven only knows I would have loved to have had that opportunity when I was in school.
Most of the time, it's okay. The student observing me is grateful to be there. But two years ago I got a guy who already knew everything... he wasn't satisfied with observing, he decided he was going to school me on what's what. Skippy (not his real name) liked to talk a lot about how talented he is, and was very fond of working the words "old school" into the conversation when discussing how I approached my work. I just ignored him, knowing full-well that he had a lot to learn about reality in the graphic design business.
END INTERLUDE
So guess who called me today?
Turns out Skippy finished up school and got himself a design job! Unfortunately for Skippy, he found out the hard way that sometimes "old school" isn't such a bad thing. Sometimes "old school" is just another way of saying "time-tested and proven". Sometimes when you cut corners in your work, you aren't being creative or innovative... you're just being sloppy and lazy.
And so now Skippy wants my advice. He's on the verge of tears because he's taken a bunch of short-cuts to finish a project, and everything has gone terribly wrong. Can I tell him what to do? Can I help him out of the jam he's in?
And there it is, that feeling of schadenfreude that has me wanting to say "suck it, fool!"
But, of course, I'm just too nice of guy for that. I ask him to send me the project so I can take a look, and am horrified to see what a mess he's got himself into. There's really nothing I can do. In order to help him out, I'd have to start over from scratch and I just don't have that kind of time.
So I break the bad news to Skippy... he's boned. I offer a few bits of advice, then give him my condolences and hang up the phone.
It's then that I feel really, really bad about the schadenfreude.
But only for a minute.
I am such an old-school bastard.
UPDATE:
I am getting a little bit of "link love" where people are misunderstanding a few things here. Primary of which is that I am "old school" because I don't know how to use the newer tools that are available in "modern" graphic arts programs (like Photoshop and Illustrator). People are assuming that I stubbornly stuck in an "old" way of doing things, and refuse to learn anything new.
This is not the case. I always keep current with new software versions and the magical new features that come with them. The point that I was trying to make is that while these new tools ARE useful for some situations (and obviously I do use them when it makes sense)... sometimes just because you CAN do a thing does not mean you SHOULD do a thing. Sometimes the "old" way of doing things is the best way. If you are interested in some examples, I've put them in an extended entry...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
The day started out with me putting both contact lenses in the same eye and only went downhill from there.
I'd go into details, but do you really want to hear it? Suffice to say that today sucked, and just when I thought it couldn't suck any more... IT DID! I don't even want to think about it.
The big news of the day, of course, is Bill Gates stepping down from the day-to-day operations at Microsoft in 2008. Helpful hint to Redmond... HIRE A VISIONARY FROM OUTSIDE THE COMPANY WHO CAN COME IN AND REVIVE YOUR TIRED OLD SHIT!! You need a Steve Jobs at the helm... not monkey-boy Balmer who will just keep you mired in the same old crap. Hire somebody like ME who will put your billions of dollars to good use and get you to innovate your way into something new! No more dumping money into duplicating stuff that's already better than what you can do anyway...
Oh yeah. I could definitely put billions of dollars to good use...
THE FLYING DELOREAN: POWERED BY MR. FUSION, BUILT BY DAVE WITH MICROSOFT MONEY, BABY!!
Seriously, who would give a crap about another stupid version of Windows or buggy MS Office update when you can make a flying car?!? Why dump money into another dumbass music service when you could spend it on developing a flying car?!? MSN? MS Publisher? Hotmail? Terraserver? WHATEVER... who really cares about that junk? EVERYBODY LOVES FLYING CARS!!
At the very least, I could have Microsoft discontinue their Windows products and license MacOS X so they could stop embarrassing themselves... they could call it "Macintosh Vista X" and finally sell an operating system that doesn't suck.
My salary requirements for running Microsoft to record profits? ONE MILLION DOLLARS A MONTH!!!
A bargain at twice the price!
Bill, I'll be expecting your call...
This morning there was a major panic attack when I couldn't find a clean pair of underwear. Eventually I did manage to find some in my flight carry-on bag but, as I was searching, it did get me to wondering what I would do if I couldn't find any. Wear a used pair... or go commando?? Fortunately, I didn't have to choose, but I really should make up my mind in case I'm ever faced with this problem again.
Underwear aside, there was big fun to be had today. I finally got the little buttons I ordered...
They turned out great (much better than this photo will attest), which was a pleasant surprise because some of the stuff I order from CafePress ends up looking like crap. But every button was beautiful, had bright colors, and looks professionally made, so I'm happy. Now all I have to do is wait until the weather turns cold so that I can pin them on my jacket. It'll be just like the 80's!
Speaking of orders, I am dangerously close to FINALLY filling all of the T-shirt orders from Blogiversary III week... I have a mere 64 left to go! Thanks to everybody for their patience, and everything should be shipped out by Monday.
Since it's Friday, I'll be picking up a meme from James to finish up the day. You are supposed to come up with eight random things about you which most people might not know...
Argh. I've been working all day and it's late. I think I'll go to bed and slip into a coma.
I am wondering how many consecutive 16 to 18 hour work-days one can work before it kills them.
And by "them" I mean "me".
Because it's going on two weeks now, and I am almost dead. With at least another week of this yet to go, I'm thinking that my demise is at hand. I need to win a billion dollars in the lotto soon because this sucks ass. Of course this necessitates that I actually buy me some lotto tickets, but that's just details.
A pity that I'm not a detail-oriented person.
Instead all I am is exhausted.
I was going to wait until everything was ready before I said anything... but once I put a picture of my little buttons up on Friday, I've been getting emails and comments from people wanting them.
Well, soon enough you will be able to get them.
The idea for buttons came up months ago during the T-shirt voting for Blogiversary III. There were people who were passionate about one design or another, and I felt bad that not everybody was going to get their first choice. I then had an idea that no matter which design won, I'd make little pin-back buttons of ALL the designs and include them with the winning shirt design (which ended up being "Zombies Ate My Brain").
Simple, right?
Not so much. I thought the stupid little things would cost me a nickel or something (since I would be ordering hundreds of them in bulk)... turns out they would cost anywhere from fifty cents to a dollar each! And since I certainly couldn't afford that kind of money, I abandoned the idea. But then my friend Meagan came to the rescue. After explaining my problem, she devised a way to make the buttons for about 25 cents each... far closer to my budget.
So I designed the T-shirt buttons.
But then I found I couldn't stop drawing buttons.
After a week of goofing off, I had over 200 designs, and I wanted to make ALL of them into buttons...
So then I came up with the idea to sell little 1-inch buttons on my website.
But, just like the T-shirts, I wanted them to be cheap so people could afford them. This ruled out CafePress and many of the online shops I looked at, because they would end up selling for $1.25... EACH!! (which meant that even with my profit set to zero, they would end up at almost $2.00 once shipping was added!). This may be fine when you get to design your own... but for a pre-made button?!? Rip-off. There was no way I would pay that, and I didn't expect anybody else to have to do it either.
And then there was the problem of filling the orders. The T-shirt fiasco where people had to wait TWO MONTHS for their order is just not acceptable. My busy life can't get in the way of people getting their buttons in a timely manner. So this meant I not only had to find a way of having cheap buttons made... but I also had to find somebody who would ship them as well.
And then I became worried that my designs wouldn't look good when reduced to 1-inch.
So, after a long brainstorming session with Meagan, we came up with a plan. First I sent in a handful of designs to CafePress to see what the buttons would look like. If they looked good, then everything else was in place... We had a place to manufacture them. We had a place to handle the orders. We had a pricing structure that was fair. We even had a cool little button-card worked up to protect the buttons in the mail! Everything was ready to go... IF the print test turned out okay.
Well it did, so now we are getting things ready to go. I am guessing that the store will be online in early July (its hard to tell, because I've got work piled so high it's going to take me a few weeks to get through it).
Once we added up the cost of the buttons, the button card, the fulfillment labor, and all the other expenses, we were pleased to discover that we could price a card of seven buttons for $5.00 (plus whatever the exact shipping charges are) and still make a profit of twenty-two cents per card! Woohoo! So that means even with shipping you should be able to get the buttons for less than a buck each domestically, and only a little over that internationally. Sweet!
Even better, I'm trying to come up with a way to sell bulk-buttons to my fellow bloggers for as cheap as possible. It's a lot of fun having blog-related things to sell or give away, and I think it would be great if everybody had a way to promote their site that isn't super-expensive. Wouldn't it be cool to go to a blogger gathering where everybody could trade buttons? It would be a great way to keep track of the people you've met.
Anyway, to everybody who ordered T-shirts from the Blogiversary III Celebration, you'll be getting a set of all four T-shirt buttons for free (just as I wanted to do in the first place) along with a half-off coupon for your first button-set purchase. Hopefully it will at least partially make up for the long wait you had to endure while the shirts were printed and shipped. Since I am running out of ways to say "sorry" I figure a little gift can't hurt.
So watch this space for further developments, and let me know if you might be interested in getting buttons for promoting your blog (if enough people are interested, we're hoping to get even better pricing).
Alrighty then... back to work.
Is there anything worse than having to listen to screaming little girls first thing in the morning?
Apparently the irritating little bitches moved in nearby, because I'm forever hearing them running around screaming in that way that only little girls can. Bad enough I have to listen to this crap in the evenings... but in the morning too? If it wouldn't get me arrested, I'd run out and give them the slapping they so richly deserve.
Hey, if the parents aren't going to take care of it, somebody should.
And speaking of little bitches...
WAAAAAAAAAHH! I finally got to go to bed at 2:00am, and now I am being woken up at 5:30 by screaming girls!! AAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAHH! AAAAAAAAAAH! Kill me. kill me now. Whoa, wait a second... I think they just piled in a car and went screaming into the dawn. And now I am going to have bad karma all day because I was just now hoping they would crash into a tree and explode. And now I feel bad because if they really DO explode, my evil thoughts are probably responsible.
Of course, the up-side of exploding is that I wouldn't be woken up by screaming girls again.
This must be one of those moral dilemmas I've heard about.
Hey... I tried to post this entry and my internet is down! Wow. Karma works fast! Rebooting and all the regular stuff doesn't work, so let's call Verizon!
VERIZON: Welcome to Verizon! You've reached Verizon Internet Services! This call may be monitored for training purposes.
DAVE: Hey, thanks baby! You've got a really sexy voice!
VERIZON: Para Español, marque dos.
DAVE: Uhhh... what if I want English? Numero uno?!?
VERIZON: Please say the number on the account you are calling about.
DAVE: (says number)... thanks for asking!!
VERIZON: Which are you calling about tech support, your account, orders...
DAVE: Tech support. Which is a pleasant change from all those times I have to call with billing problems.
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I didn't understand. If you are calling for tech suppor...
DAVE: TECH SUPPORT!
VERIZON: Which kind of problem are you calling about? Connection problems, installation, email, or password reset.
DAVE: Connection problems. At least I am guessing it is a connection problem because while I AM connected to your router, I can't get connected to the internet.
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I didn't understand. For problems with your conn...
DAVE: CONNECTION!
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I didn't understand. For problems with your conn...
DAVE: CONNECTION YOU BITCH!! CONNECTION! CONNECTION! CONNECTION!!!!
VERIZON: Which are you running? Windows, Macintosh, or Another Operating System?
DAVE: Macintosh. That's how I am certain it's YOUR fault. If I was on a Windows machine, I'd be calling Microsoft first.
VERIZON: Have you tried rebooting your computer and your computer system?
DAVE: Yes. I also lit a candle and said a prayer to the internet gods. In a minute, I'm going to start chanting.
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I...
DAVE: YES!!
VERIZON: Okay then, would you like me to test the line for problems at your location?
DAVE: Why not. If it will keep me from having to talk to one of your sublimely helpful support personnel, I'm all for it.
VERIZON: I'm sorry, I...
DAVE: YES!!
VERIZON: Please hold while I test your line. This test can take as long as 60 seconds. I am running the test right now. BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BOOP BOOP BEEP...
DAVE: I haven't heard these kind of cheesy "computer sounds" since watching those old Star Trek episodes! SCOTTY, WE NEED WARP SPEED IN SIXTY SECONDS OR WE'RE ALL DEAD!! -- I CANNA DO IT CAPTAIN! I'M GIVEN YA EVERYTHING SHE'S GOT! -- DAMMIT JIM, I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A BRAIN SURGEON!! WELL, OKAY, I AM A BRAIN SURGEON... I JUST DON'T LIKE STICKING MY FINGERS IN BRAIN!!
VERIZON: For technical help, there's a great web site available to assist you: onlinehelp.verizon.net
DAVE: I am calling with a CONNECTION PROBLEM! If I could bloody connect to the internet, would I be calling with a CONNECTION PROBLEM you silly bitch?!? And what happened to that line test you were running? Are you even going to bother telling me how that turned out? This is the...
VERIZON: Customers in the [SPOKANE, WASHINGTON] area may currently be experiencing problems connecting to the internet. Our engineers are aware of the problem, and are working to resolve it.
DAVE: WELL THANKS A LOT YOU DUMBASS!! COULDN'T YOU HAVE TOLD ME THAT WHEN I GAVE YOU MY AREA CODE AT THE VERY BEGINNING?!? I HOPE THAT THIS CALL IS BEING MONITORED SO I CAN TELL YOU HOW F#@%ING STUPID IT IS! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU EVIL VERIZON BITCHES FROM HELL! DIE YOU BASTARDS! DIE! DIIIIIEEEE!
VERIZON: I'm connecting you now...
Blargh. Usually you have to call a mobile phone company to get this kind of shitty service! Oh wait... Verizon has mobile too! Hey, at least they're consistent.
There is good news today though...
That's the final 64 T-shirt orders left from my Blogiversary III Celebration. Those in the front are the remaining international orders for which I ran out of Global Priority boxes (hopefully they will be waiting for me at the post office this morning). As happy as these people will be to receive their orders at long last... nobody could be more thrilled than I am that these are finally shipping out.
Well, assuming I ever get internet back so that I can process them.
Karma sucks ass!
It's midnight and I am too tired to work another minute. My mind is all fuzzy, which means I'm no good to be on the job anyway. Fortunately, it doesn't require any brainpower to write in my blog, so here we are.
Today (now yesterday) on my third trip to the post office I had to wait in line behind a few people. The guy ahead of me was wearing some very scary comb-over hair that had holes in it. But that's not what made him look astoundingly stupid.
He had one of those ridiculous bluetooth wireless headset thingies for his mobile phone that he was talking into.
LOUDLY!
As he was yacking away I had a hard time deciding if he looked more like a Borg from Star Trek...
Or just a complete dick...
Well, not a COMPLETE dick... because the one shown above is circumcised... but you get the idea.
All I can say for sure is anybody who walks around with one of those things looks like a serious tool, and every time I see somebody wearing one I want to rip it off their head and kick it up their stupid ass.
And then set them on fire.
And then push them into a barrel of gasoline.
That's been topped off with napalm.
And is sitting on top of a pile of dynamite.
Because anybody who doesn't realize how stupid they look while walking out in public with a piece of plastic sticking out their ear needs to be asploded quite badly. Not only for their own sake, but for the betterment of society as a whole. I mean, seriously, I'm pretty sure even Lt. Uhura took that shit out of her ear when she left the bridge of the Enterprise...
What worries me greatly is that if enough assholes keep wearing this crap, pretty soon it will become acceptable to do so (much like polyester suits in the disco era). The day that happens is the day I'm up in a bell tower with a rifle shooting people.
Assuming I could find a bell tower. Do they even make those anymore?
In England they have "happy slapping" where idiots go around slapping people for no reason and filming it with their mobile phones. I say that they should find a purpose in life... instead of slapping randomly, they should focus their attacks on people wearing bluetooth wireless headsets. We could call it "bluetooth slapping", and I think it would kick ass.
I would draw a cartoon of that, but I'm about to fall asleep on my keyboard...
Tonight after work I followed a building contractor's truck which had "Let Us Help You Build Your Dream" stenciled on the back. The guy was going 25 miles per hour in a 35 mile per hour zone. Well MY dream is for people to drive the frickin' speed limit... can you help me with THAT?? Dumbass.
It was the cherry on the ass of my day.
And now, since that seems like it would be a fun thing to draw, I present a visual interpretation of the above sentiment...
Next up: apparently I pulled a boner today.
Do not expect a visual interpretation of that, however, as an explanation is in order...
Out of all 64 T-shirt shipments I sent on Monday, I somehow processed five of them as "label only" - meaning that they did not have postage on them. As I was attempting to exit the post office with an armload of rejected packages, an old man comes running up to hold the door...
Old Man: Hey partner, looks like Christmas came early for you! HA HA HAAAH!
Dave: Ah. No, I'm needing to ship these out.
Old Man: Then aren't you going the wrong way with those packages? HA HA HAAAH!
Dave: Oh. Yeah. I forgot to put postage on them, so I have to go fix that.
Old Man: Pulled a boner did ya? HA HA HAAAH!
Dave: Uhhh... what?!?
Old Man: Good luck partner! HA HA HAAAH!
Dave: Uhhh... what?!?
I walked away from that conversation very confused, but fortunately Wikipedia was able to clear things up:
"A small mistake having an amusing effect?" Well, I certainly hope that's what the old guy meant.
Because anything else would be very disturbing indeed.
And I don't want any more cherries on my ass.
I was all excited about Betty White being on Gameshow Maraton tonight, but it was for naught. Sure she was there and was totally cool and everything... but too much time was spent on all the other lame celebrities. This was not a good thing, because D-list "star contestants" Lance Bass and Kathy Najimy were positively stupid in their answers. And Ricki Lake was no Gene Rayburn, that's for sure.
Such a pity, as I was so looking forward to the show after yet another grueling day of work.
Fortunately, good TV news was to be found: Comedy Central has ordered THIRTEEN NEW EPISODES OF FUTURAMA!!
Easily my favorite animated series of all time, Futurama is far more clever and brilliant than we deserve (which is probably why it was cancelled). About the only cartoon character I love more than Bender would be Curious George, so you know this is a seriously big deal for me.
In other news, I have a new best friend...
These little crackers are called "Crunch Master". At first I was dubious because I found it seriously hard to believe that any chip could possibly out-crunch a Doritos corn chip. Crunch MASTER? Bitch, please. But I do love me the rice cracker, so I decided to give them a try.
Holy shit!
These people do not lie! They are indeed the Crunch F#@%ing Master!!
In fact, the only way these crackers could be any MORE crunchy would be if they were made out of GLASS. Yes, I kid you not, they are indeed that crunchy! They are so crunchy that if you listen really closely, you can probably hear me crunching on them... even if you are in a different time zone. They are so crispy that I dare say you could use shards of Crunch Master crackers to cut through steel. It would not surprise me to find out that Crunch Master crackers are prohibited on airplanes by Homeland Security for fear somebody could break one in half and take over the plane.
Crunch Master crackers kick serious ass.
I am hopelessly addicted to them now (especially the cheese variety). I eat them constantly. In fact, when I am not eating Crunch Master crackers, I am sad. I need to devise some kind of automated feeding mechanism so that I can be force-fed a constant supply to my mouth and be happy all the time. But there would have to be a "pause button" so that I could temporarily suspend feeding while talking on the phone. Because talking with your mouth full of crunchy crackers would just be rude.
The good news is that they are practically calorie-free. That's because there's nothing in them. There's so much crunch that there's not room for anything else.
I have to stop blogging now so I can eat another bag of Crunch Master BEFORE bedtime. I don't dare eat these crackers IN bed, because the crumbs would probably cut me up and cause me to bleed to death in the middle of the night. Hey, there's a cool new advertising slogan! Crunch Master: so crunchy they could kill you to death!
Now that's a totally bad-ass cracker.
Oh crap! The Broadcast Flag is back! But what is it and why should you care?
Well, if you believe the movie and recording industry people... it's a way to protect digital media from being stolen as it is broadcast to people's fancy new HD televisions. They worry that since the signal is so good, people will just steal media instead of buying it legally on DVDs or Pay-Per-View or cable or whatever.
Hey, that doesn't sound so bad does it? I mean, stealing is bad. If everybody steals movies and television shows, that means the people who make the stuff won't get paid. And if people don't get paid, then that means nobody will MAKE movies and television shows anymore. That would suck ass!
But here's the problem... protection never works out. Thieves ALWAYS find away around copy protection.
No, the people who suffer are law-abiding citizens. The Broadcast Flag completely controls what you can do with the content you pay for. You are no longer "the decider" of what you can record on your TiVo or take with you on your iPod... NETWORKS are. They control if you can record it, when you can record it, how you can record it, where you can watch it and, assuming you are able to record it at all, how long that recording will last. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Since they control EVERYTHING to do with the content, there's no telling what's going to happen. Never mind that you pay for the right to view the material, they get to decide how.
And this is why attempts to introduce Broadcast Flag legislation have always failed. It's simply not a solution that's fair to law-abiding citizens. But that doesn't keep the ass-wipes from continuing to try. They are always trying to sneak it into other law "packages" in the hopes that nobody will notice.
And that makes me very angry...
I mean, holy crap... IT'S OVER! WE DON'T WANT YOUR F#@%ING BROADCAST FLAG! How many times does it have to be defeated before it will just DIE??
I say the next ass-hat who tries to sneak it into legislation should be shot.
Maybe then the rest of the idiots will get a clue, and I won't have to read about some dumbass politician wasting time and tax dollars on this crap again.
Maybe then our lawmakers will focus on important stuff... like health care or something.
Maybe then law-abiding people will stop getting screwed over what they legally pay for.
Maybe.
Yesterday as I was picking up a Coke with Lime at the local mini-mart, a youngish guy comes running up to me, slaps me on the leg, then say "HI" with a big smile. "Hey buddy," I say. Out of nowhere a girl
The fact that she said "special" in a very condescending tone did not upset me half as much as the fact that she used air quotes when she said it. "Oh really?" I replied. "Well I think people who use air quotes are special". This went right over her head, as she just stood there staring at me. After a sigh, I added "no, he's not bothering me at all," which is when she grabbed her brother(?) by the hand and drug him off.
The constant lack of respect that people seem intent on showing their fellow humans is really starting to piss me off. Sure the kid was mentally impaired, but did the bitch have to be so demeaning about it? Doesn't the kid have it hard enough without having to put up with this crap too?
Yargh.
Anyway, because I have to go into work today, I am going to swipe the "62 Questions" meme from Mikey (though he actually made it a 59 question meme by neatly avoided questions 27, 36, and 39, which I had to get from Google). I've put it in an extended entry so the meme-hating masses can skip it, if they so desire.
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
This weekend was Founders' Days in the city. It's a rather odd festival that provides an interesting insight into the local culture here. The air is filled with the aroma of barbecue sauce and roasting animal flesh. The sound of a band nobody knows can be heard in the distance. The few local stores that haven't been driven out of business are having discount sales with loads of crap that they haven't been able to get rid of for the past 20 years. A scary array of people have invaded from the surrounding countryside. Antique cars and motorcycles of all varieties cruise the streets. To the uninitiated, it's a scary experience.
Over the years, I've created a lot of free promotional art for the city to use at functions like this. Wandering around town is kind of strange for me, as I get to see what new (and often horrifying) ways my work has been used. Here's the original logo I created for Founders' Days a decade ago (we're the "Early American City" and have faux gas-lamps around town)...
And here's the type of "improvements" you might see...
Sweet! It's like a clip art CD exploded all over everything.
Anyway... my friend Nadine emailed me with the news that August 18-20 is Bats Day at Disneyland! She knows of my secret desire to dress up like a goth for big fun at the Happiest Place on Earth...
About the only thing that would be more fun would be a Pirate Day at Disneyland. Whoa... wait a second... how cool would it be to have GOTH PIRATE DAY AT DISNEYLAND?!?
Of course, as far as I am concerned, EVERY DAY is Goth Pirate Day!
When asked to describe Blogography, the words most people tend to use are "strange" or "weird". A typical quote I run across is much like this one from Nikki: "kind of odd, but very entertaining". Basically, people find Blogography to be crazy-insane, and often-times don't know what to make of it (even though they may visit regularly). So, despite the fact that I said I would never change my blog to make others happy, it seems kind of rude considering how many people leave nice comments and write me nifty emails.
With that in mind, I've decided to make my blog more like other blogs. That way, maybe visitors will be more comfortable when they visit and won't be all weirded out. But where to start? Perhaps I should cruise random blogs and pick five areas of improvement I can work on? Let's give that a try.
PART ONE: RENTERS!
It seems like most blogs I visit now-a-days have something called "renters". And it doesn't end there... blogs that have renters are forever begging people to click on them.... "Please click on my renter" they say. "Go visit my renter" they plead. "You should click on my renter" they demand. Alrighty then, I'll get me a renter:
My renter is DOOCE because heaven only knows she needs some of my sweet traffic numbers. And she's probably one of the few bloggers that could afford my outrageous rental fees. So please click on my renter. Click it now. Go ahead, just click that little picture. Why are you still reading this when you should be visiting my renter? Hey! Seriously, CLICK MY RENTER! DO IT! DO IT! CLICK IT NOW, BITCH!! CLIIIIIICK MYYYYYYY RENTERRRR!
In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that Dooce isn't really renting anything here. But I like to think that she is. And here's how I fantasize the conversation would go...
DOOCE: (picking up phone) Hello?
DAVE: Hello Heather, this is Dave...
DOOCE: Wait a second... THE Dave? BLOGOGRAPHY DAVE?!?
DAVE: Yep, that's me. I'm going to start renting space on my blog and...
DOOCE: (squeels) OMG! You mean I won't have to entice my child into doing crazy shit so I can attract new readers? I can just pay money to get traffic from Blogography?
DAVE: Sure! And it's bargain-priced at only $10,000 a month!
DOOCE: Sign me up! (covering phone mouthpiece with her hand) JON! JON!! PUT THE BABY DOWN, JON! YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL LETA HOW MUCH FUN IT IS TO STICK PAPERCLIPS IN ELECTRICAL OUTLETS NOW! WE'RE JUST GOING TO RENT SPACE AT BLOGOGRAPHY TO GET MORE TRAFFIC!!
PART TWO: ADS!
I must be one of the last people in the entire blogiverse who has yet to put Google Ads on their site. Much to my surprise, whoring yourself out for Google payola is a quick and painless process which took me all of twenty minutes to apply and be approved for...
Now I can beg for readers to click my renters AND my ads! This is actually good news, because if my bandwidth bills keep going through the roof, I may just have to start putting ads on my blog. It's something I've never wanted, but the monthly shuffle between four different hosting servers to ensure the site keeps running is getting a little old.
PART THREE: TIP JAR!
Speaking of begging, it seems quite a few blogs have tip jars. Though why anybody would want to pay for the crap I write here is completely beyond my ability to comprehend...
What I really love are those sites who beg for cash when they are lucky to write once a week. Or how about people who ask for cash and totally suck? I am a bit surprised at why some sites have tip jars at all, and have to wonder if they honestly think that people will want to give them money for posting pictures of their hamster and writing about some boring conversation they had with their tax attorney. I dunno... maybe people do pay money for that. All I know is that unless it's a blog that's better than other paid entertainment (or contains gratuitous breast nudity), I can't imagine tip jars being worth the effort.
PART FOUR: QUIT!
I haven't threatened to quit blogging in quite a while now. I've seriously considered it a few times, yet there was only once that I was confident it was going to happen. But a random run through the blogosphere shows a shocking number of blogs that haven't been updated in months... some haven't been updated in years. So it would seem one of the most popular ways to make my blog more like other blogs is to quit writing in it. And then, after a long hiatus, bloggers always start out their next entry with "I haven't written here in a while——" which I find hysterical, because it sounds as if they think their visitors are incapable of reading the date. Oh well. In many ways I actually envy people who quit blogging... they obviously have much cooler stuff going on in their life than I do, and much better things to occupy their time.
PART FIVE: SONG LYRICS!
It seems that I am never lacking for some crazy crap to write here and, for better or worse, I try my best not to copy content from other blogs, the news, or whatever. The furthest I've gone has been movie quotes and memes. But if a bunch of song lyrics is what it takes to be more like other blogs, then I'll go ahead and put some in an extended entry.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
David Simmer II, 40, noted humanitarian, beloved blogger, graphical design genius, brilliant commentator on world events, originator of the Daveism movement, and founder of the Church of Daveology, died June 27 at his home in Central Washington State. He was worked to death.
Best known for his insanely popular online journal, Blogography, Simmer's fame was far-reaching for his numerous successful ventures including Daveland, his own theme park, and The Dave Resort.
Mr. Simmer was born March 24, 1966, in San Diego, California. His genius was evident very early in life, and he quickly became the foremost authority on dumbass identification and classification. Realizing that most people in the world were complete idiots, Mr. Simmer went on to form a society for those persons of intelligence and innate brilliance. Initially referred to as "Dave Nation", this organization was the eventual cornerstone for the founding of the Church of Daveology.
After his death had been declared, a formal statement was released by the Daveism Advocacy Center...
"We are deeply saddened by the death of our Most Revered Overlord and spiritual leader. The loss to our church, if not the entire world, is incalculable. But as it is said in the Book of Daveism, 'Let all who follow in The Way of Dave know that they will live on forever in His most sublime grace'."
Declaring that any death of so great a man is a crime against nature, the scene of Mr. Simmer's death was secured as a World Heritage Site, and preserved in every detail by local authorities.
Photograph property of the World Heritage Society
Survivors include his millions of Blogography readers and an extended family. Simmer is to be interned in the courtyard of his 50-story tall monument located at the 200,000 acre Dave National Park (formerly known as Mt. Rainier National Park). A formal burial service will be performed by the Church of Daveology's Most Revered Sub-Overlord, Dane Cook. Donations may be sent to the Dave Memorial Fund, c/o The Daveism Advocacy Center at Daveland.
Argh. Two. More. Days. To. Go...
Ask any designer, and they'll tell you that deadlines are the bane of their existence.
It's very difficult to be creative on a schedule. You get used to it, of course, but you never really like it. Except when you've been killing yourself for three weeks and the deadline is the only thing that can put you out of your misery. Tomorrow is D-Day and, as much as I am dreading it from a creative standpoint, I am positively elated on every other level. To be able to sleep more than 2 or 3 hours a night is a luxury that I have all but forgotten. Last night I didn't sleep at all, but instead took a nap for an hour-and-a-half. Tonight will be the same, I'm sure.
This is a bad thing, because lack of sleep and mental exhaustion is making me a bit cranky.
Today I very nearly killed somebody.
As I was pulling into my apartment complex, some bitch was obstructing the driveway because she was trying to read her mail, smoke a cigarette, and drink a Diet Pepsi all at the same time. This kind of multi-tasking was clearly beyond her mental abilities, so she didn't have the sense to get the f#@% out of the way. Instead, she just wandered aimlessly down the middle of the road, blocking me out. EVEN AFTER SHE TURNED AND NOTICED ME WAITING THERE!
And the entire time, all I could think of was how easy it would be to run the stupid bitch down and grind her into the pavement. The part of my brain that would usually be horrified by the thought of such a thing was sleeping, and so it seemed like the perfectly logical thing to do. So there I was ready to kill this dumbass bitch, when I blacked out...
... and then suddenly I was in my parking space.
For a moment, I was terrified that I actually did run her down, but then I looked back and saw her stupid ass still wandering in a daze, and was only partially relieved (apparently THAT part of my brain was asleep as well).
It was then that I sat in my car and thought about how much I love Star Trek.
The ORIGINAL Star Trek. The REAL Star Trek...
Until today, I always thought that my favorite Star Trek character was Spock. I mean, I loved them all, but Mr. Spock was my favorite. Then, all of a sudden, I realize that my REAL favorite character is Scotty, and always had been.
Mr. Scott was always so brilliant under the pressure of ridiculous deadlines. The Captain would get everybody in a big mess, and then scream down at Scotty to do something fast or else the shit was going to hit the fan. Scotty would then say it was going to take an hour to fix whatever was wrong. The Captain then went ape-shit and told Mr. Scott that he had 15 minutes or everybody dies.
And Scotty would somehow pull it off. Every time.
Then we find out that Scotty would always multiply his time estimates by a factor of four so that everybody would think of him as a miracle worker. This, as I have just now realized, was positively brilliant.
I've been doing it wrong all this time.
You can learn a lot by watching Star Trek.
It's over! Oh oh oh ohhhhhhhver!
I have been living in cave for the past few weeks, so I am just now catching up on the news. Much to my surprise (and relief) our Beloved Leader didn't decide to "liberate" any more countries while I was gone. About the only thing I did notice was the flag-burning ban vote, and that was only because I was getting massive traffic to my entry on flag burning. And only part of that traffic was idiots trying to hotlink to my (theoretical) picture of a guy with diarrhea crapping in a G-string (also a pleasant surprise).
In addition to the news, here's some other stuff I've got to catch up with this weekend...
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to skip right down to #7 and get some much-needed rest.
Goodnight!
I have a bit of a confession.
While I was working these past weeks, I had a friend approving my comments. Oh sure, I took time out of my busy schedule to read each and every one (because I love me the comments that much), but I just didn't have time to weed through the spam and haters every time a comment needed to be approved. Rather than let them stack up for a month, I had somebody lend a hand. It was as close to my dream "COMMENT-A-TRON 3000" as I'm likely to ever get.
Well, now that I'm back, I'm looking through the comments that were held for some reason or another. Surprisingly, only two were outright nasty (deleted it!). The remaining three were positively reprehensible...
Somebody with a vendetta against Elizabeth Hurley decided to inform me of their insanity on three separate entries.
It's not the first time, and I just don't get it. Do these people honestly feel that I give a crap about trolls who have to say inflammatory trash to get attention? Do they believe in any possible way that I'm going to approve comments with such vile, hateful, filth even if it weren't about the utter perfection that is Elizabeth Hurley? Let's review REALITY here...
For the benefit of the learning impaired, I've constructed the above chart to illustrate How Things Are... with the sublime hotness of Elizabeth Hurley at the top, and decreasing levels of hotness following below.
Now, given my understanding of REALITY, the level of stupidity it would take for somebody to think that any ludicrous comment could possibly change my mind about Liz is truly distrubing.
And kind of sad.
These people have nothing better to do with their life?
And speaking of "disturbing hotness" I ran across this image while doing a Google search for something I now forget...
It's a latex nun. With a cat-o-nine-tails. When I look at it I don't know whether to become aroused, hide under my bed, or start crying. All I do know is that latex is some freaky-cool stuff. For some big fun, you can see other wacky creations at The Latex Lounge. I had thought of ordering me some latex biker shorts to wear while running errands around town, but $130 is a bit steep for a half-pair of pants. A thong is only $37.50, but I would probably get arrested for wearing that in the conservative wilds of Central Washington.
But the minute I have $485 burning a hole in my pocket... that Captain's Jacket is smokin'!
Of course, then I'd have to get the $450 pants to go with it.
And a sash. It's just not complete without a sash.
You would think that the internet age would make travel planning easier.
You would be wrong.
I just spent the past four hours arranging flights, hotels, rental cars, and all the other crap that makes travel so much fun. Nothing ever matches up. Flights always have ridiculously long layovers. Hotel check-in times are always too late and check-out too early. And meetings are never in the most convenient place. The good news is that in-between it all, I get to be in New York for a few days...
Then it's off to Wisconsin...
And finally back to Chicago...
And that's only for the first two weeks. I haven't got the energy to plan the rest of the summer.
And now, because it's Saturday and nobody seems to read my blog on Saturdays... AND because I'm a total meme whore... AND because I'm a total music whore... AND because I'm a total whore for Karla's Tales of a Texpatriate... I am stealing this rather cool "Three Songs Meme" from her in an extended entry (because it is MASSIVE)...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
I was sent an interesting "Thierry Ardisson Interview" meme to think about. Since it's in French, it's taking a while to decipher because my French language skills are quite poor (and long-forgotten). But one thing is immediately apparent... most all of the questions are introspective. They force you to take a real look at yourself as opposed to asking how others look at you (or asking how you look at something else). The second question is this: "Quand vous vous regardez dans la glace le matin, vous vous dites quoi?" - which translates into "When you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, what do you say to yourself?"
My answer would have to be "I don't say anything," because I never really look at myself in the mirror. I put my contact lenses in by feel, and brush my teeth while doing other things. I never care how my hair looks, and so it never occurs to me to look. So this morning I decided to give it a try...
And all I could think to say to myself is "you look like shit, buddy!"
Having not slept in a month has really taken its toll. I have bags under the bags under my eyes. I am also in bad need of a haircut. I should cancel my upcoming travel plans and check myself into a spa or something. Or perhaps start shooting heroin, so at least then there would be an excuse for looking like a heroin addict.
And speaking of questions... my best friend Karl has answered my five "Barbara Walters interview questions" over at Secondhand Tryptophan. I must say, asking for questions to fill up blog entries is a pretty sweet idea. I would steal it and have people ask me five questions... but, considering some of the emails and comments I get, that is a very scary prospect. Perhaps it would be better to ask "If you were to GET to ask me five, questions, what five questions WOULD you ask?" That way when somebody asks me something particularly frightening, I can just laugh and say "wow, that WOULD be a good question!"
I am such a weenie.
But since I won't talk about my friends, family, or work... I'm guessing those are the questions most people would ask, and so I really can't go there. I did get a question in my email yesterday that I WILL answer, however...
"Hey did you make any money from that Google ad you put in your RENT entry?"
Wow, that's a good question! I never bothered to look! Let's see shall we? ... ... ... HOLY CRAP! I made $9.54!! That's pretty good isn't it? This is 1/10 the current cost of keeping Blogography running each month on 1/30 the entries I write in a month, so it looks like the site could support itself if it had to. Kind of nice to know that I have options if I should need to use them. Still, I would much rather remain ad-free for as long as possible. Media Temple has mentioned that they will be increasing their bandwidth allowance, so maybe that will take care of my current troubles?
Ooooh, look...
Costco is selling Crunch Master 6-Packs! That's enough to last me almost an entire week! Now all I need is Coke with Lime in 60-Packs, and I'm good to go!
In my previous entry, I had asked if anyone had questions that they might ask if I were to ask for questions, and some of you actually sent me some!
So here's a "Question and Answers" session with Dave....
First up, Exposed left me these...
And Wayne (of the Blog of Whall fame) left me these...
And Alexander left this one question...
Annette also sent me a single question...
And, for my last questions, SJ asked me to try out her "Movieographeme" meme, which I've put in an extended entry...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
"They can be a great people, Kal-El. They wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way."
I don't know why that famous line from Marlon Brando in Superman The Movie was echoing through my mind when I woke up this morning. Probably because I have not yet seen Superman Returns, though I want to quite badly. Perhaps that will be on the agenda in New York or Chicago, since they have far better theaters than I have here. Local cinemas are pretty much crap... with poor screens, uncomfortable seats, and sound systems so bad you can barely hear dialogue. Good movies always mean a three-hour drive to Seattle, but so few films are worth it now-a-days.
I am spending my Independence Day holiday working — but, to everybody else, have a safe and happy Fourth of July!
Well this day sucks ass.
It started out well enough... I'm on my way to New York City, baby!
But then my flight out of Seattle was delayed two hours and it was all downhill from there. I thought that the hour wait to get my luggage would be the end of it. Until I got to the hotel... WHERE THE FREAKIN' INTERNET DOESN'T WORK!! You'd think I was staying at the Motel 6 or something... but this is a freakin' FOUR-STAR HOTEL IN MID-TOWN MANHATTAN!! Apparently $340 a night doesn't assure you of internet. WTF?!?
After three trips to the front desk to get busted internet routers, I gave up. I suppose I'll just have to figure it all out tomorrow. Oh well. Life may suck, but I AM in New York!
Time for a McVeggie Deluxe in Times Square!
Today was mostly work, but big fun was to be had this evening. That's because I was able to have dinner at the new Times Square Hard Rock Cafe with Dave3 and the Mistress of Metal herself... The Empress Eve!
Meeting up with fellow bloggers I read is always cool... but in this case it was particularly special because Dave3 and Eve are comic book geeks just like me. This is a pleasant change from my usual scene, because the small town where I live doesn't have much of a geek subculture to speak of.
Anyway, dinner was a blast, and reminds me once again that having to travel so much is not always a bad thing. I actually look forward to it when I know that cool people like Eve and Dave3 are waiting for me. It also makes me wonder why bloggers don't meet up more often, because every single time I've been able to see people in "real life," it's been totally sweet.
As if that wasn't enough, the Hard Rock is pretty spiffy...
The cafe itself is actually underground. That's because the Paramount Hotel that sits above it is being transformed into New York's very own Hard Rock Hotel. It's a nice property though, with plenty of open space...
And, since the Mistress of Metal was in attendance, her beloved Slayer was representing on the memorabilia wall...
Sadly, I had to get back to the hotel after dinner so I could try and solve my hotel's shitty internet problems and get back to work... but at least I got to meet Dave3 and Eve at last, so the day ended up being a good one after all.
At least until I found out that Superman is whoring himself out for Diet Pepsi...
Yeah, as if Superman needs to count calories. Doesn't everybody know that Superman's super-metabolism (which is fueled by the Earth's yellow sun) means that he doesn't have to diet? Well, unless he was exposed to Red Kryptonite and it made him super overweight. Or perhaps if Mxyzptlk used his 5th-Dimension magic to make him gain weight. Or maybe if he was a Superman from an alternate earth where all the characters have the opposite physique of their Earth-1 Counterparts (which, of course, would have to pre-date Crisis on Infinite Earths, for obvious reasons). Or I suppose it could even be because... oh... uhhhh... sorry, I must still be in Super-Geek mode.
Bleh.
Do you know how hard it is to be in a city like New York and have to work all day long? Oh well, I can always go look through my old pictures while I work and pretend I'm not working.
So your train back to New York is delayed. Does this mean Amtrak puts you on the next train into the city so you don't have to hang out at the station for two hours? Sure... if you are willing to pay the $34.00 price difference between your regional train ticket and the express train ticket. That's some terrific customer service right there! I wonder if they would be willing to pay me for the time I wasted because of their delay?
BAD: Things go so terribly wrong at work that everything is cancelled.
GOOD: You now have a free afternoon in New York City.
BAD: Your project is now delayed, which means you're screwed.
GOOD: There is a substance called alcohol that will make you not mind being screwed so much.
BAD: You're still screwed once the alcohol has worn off.
GOOD: There's always more alcohol...
"Hello. My name is Dave, and I'm an alcoholic" is only slightly less cool than "Hello. My name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
I think I'll go for it.
As an alcoholic I'll have a valid excuse for urinating in the street and bitch-slapping people who bother me. "I'm sorry officer, I was drunk" I will say when the police arrive at the scene. I can only hope that I am not urinating on him as I say it, because that surely wouldn't go over very big with New York's finest...
Wandering back to Times Square for dinner, I was walking past the Hard Rock and saw something I never noticed before... there's a fork flashin' horns above the HRC guitar! So very cool...
And look! IT'S MR. PEANUT!!!
Everybody loves Mr. Peanut!
And I love New York.
Tomorrow I am going to spend the day goofing off in the city.
There wasn't much I had planned today. A few museums. Eating REAL bagels from H&H on the Upper West Side. That kind of thing.
Oh yeah... and visit the new 5th Street Apple Store.
This amazing new structure is about the coolest Apple Store yet (though I still loves me Tokyo, Chicago and L.A.) and is really beautiful with the light shining through it. The store itself is actually underground, but the big cube marks the entrance to the glass staircase and houses the elevator tube...
Once I was finished snapping photos and ready to descend into the packed store below, a guy walked up to me... turns out it was Timothy from Araalinas (and now at Araalinusa)!! He has one more day in the city before heading to Uganda to teach, and apparently wanted to see the Apple Store before leaving the country.
It's strange, because when I first saw him, something familiar flashed in my head but I dismissed it. But when he walked up to me, I recognized him immediately from his blog (it's a small blogosphere after all!).
After we said our goodbyes, I wandered down to the Apple Store and suddenly realized that I should have gotten a photo, because nobody is going to believe this. After getting back to the hotel, I immediately unloaded my camera to see if he was in any of the shots I took. Sure enough...
Now, seriously. What are the odds here?
I mean, I run into people every once in a while who recognize me (or, to be more accurate, my shirt), but a fellow blogger I read who is from American Samoa via Florida on a stopover in New York City before he's on his way to Africa? This is some crazy stuff right here.
And there I was with no Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts to offer him.
Blogging is SO worth it.
New York City is pretty sweet any time of day, but I think I like it at nighttime the best.
Last night I decided to venture out into the city once again so I could see the Apple Store lit up in all its glory. And, yes, it's pretty sweet. The way the Apple logo reflects into the glass is almost holographic-looking, and you can see everything a lot better because the reflections from neighboring buildings is not so bad. It is truly a beautiful structure, so kudos to Steve Jobs and his cube obsession for giving New York City another landmark piece of architecture...
Not to say that there aren't a lot of other buildings that look great at night...
Most of today was spent at the American Museum of Natural History. Not only did they have a freakin' cool exhibit on lizards (which I love), but there's a new Space Show narrated by Robert Redford called Cosmic Collisions, and an IMAX film I haven't seen called Amazing Caves. It's a pretty sweet place to spend an afternoon. How many places can you see giant dinosaur bones in one hall...
And then see a statue of a chubby doggy in the next?
Today was my last day in NYC, and I'm kind of sad about that.
It's time once again for DAVE'S STEAMING PILE OF CRAP TRAVEL AWARD!
This is kind of unprecedented, because I usually wait until a trip is completely over before I go passing out an award. But I have two such amazing candidates that I can't help myself. If things get worse than this, I may just have to start beating people with a hammer.
DAVE'S STEAMING PILE OF CRAP TRAVEL AWARD... GRAND PRIZE: DOLLAR RENT-A-CAR!
So you have to wake up at 3:00am to make your 6:00am flight. The hotel is working on the water system, so there's no hot water. How much worse could it get? Well, you could get to Chicago and find out that Dollar doesn't have a rental car for you...
DOLLAR AGENT: I'm sorry, all we have is an SUV or a van available.
DAVE: But I have a reservation for a compact car. I don't want to drive an SUV or a van into the city!
DOLLAR AGENT: We do not guarantee that any car type will be available... all we guarantee is that a car will be available. The rate will be the same.
DAVE: But a van is not a car... it's a van! An SUV is not a car... it's an SUV! I have a reservation FOR A CAR!! When will A CAR be available.
DOLLAR AGENT: We are on a car-in, car-out basis here. I have no idea when a compact or mid-size will be available.
DAVE: Then what's the point of a reservation? Dollar Rent-A-Car is stupid.
I mean, seriously. WTF?!? Bad enough that they don't have a car... but they can't even tell me when I can expect to get one?? Well F#@% that! And F#@% Dollar Rent-A-Car. I will never, EVER rent from your ridiculous company again. Burn in hell you incompetent dumbasses. You just caused me to waste an hour trying to find a new car, AND I had to pay extra money because of the last-minute rental. DIE! DIE! DIE!!!!
DAVE'S STEAMING PILE OF CRAP TRAVEL AWARD... RUNNER-UP: HILTON HIGH-SPEED INTERNET!
Hilton says "take me to a place where high-speed internet is reliable and easy to use." This is kind of stupid, because if I were to take their advice, I would go anywhere... ANYWHERE except the Hilton Towers in New York. This is the worst internet I have ever used. First of all, you have to use some piece-of-crap "wireless bridge" in order to get signal. Unfortunately, they're all busted to shit. My first one had a frayed cable. My second one wouldn't turn on. My third one couldn't get a signal. My fourth one had a busted antennae... but I held on to it out of fear of what I might get had I tried for number five.
And even when you get a connection... it sucks ass. I had to reboot both the wireless bridge AND my laptop a half-dozen times a day because the internet would simply stop working for no good reason. It's bad enough to have to pay for internet... but to have to pay $9.95 a day for TOTALLY SHITTY INTERNET? WTF?? The Hilton New York is actually a pretty good hotel. I've been staying here for 15 years because the location is primo. But without high-speed internet in good working order, the Hilton New York is crap. F#@% hotels who charge for shitty internet access.
Case in point: I am right now in the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin. I am staying at a tiny no-frills budget hotel that costs 1/5 the money that my room in New York did. I have FREE wireless internet that is fast and doesn't require a bridge of any kind. How is it that this little nothing of a hotel is superior for internet IN EVERY WAY... and is absolutely FREE?
Anybody have a better recommendation for hotels in Mid-Town Manhattan that have decent internet service?
Wisconsin, for lack of a better word, is delicious.
Every time I come here, I always end up eating way too much. Unfortunately, what I eat are foods that are very, very bad for you. Things like a caramel-cashew frozen custard sundae from Culvers (which isn't bad until I tell you that I eat two of these EVERY DAY). Or cheese. Lots and lots of cheese. My latest addiction is fried cheese, which is taking something horribly delicious, doing bad things to it, and then ending up with something atrociously horribly delicious. I just can't help myself... fried fatty foods are my kryptonite.
Another problem here is that they love butter almost as much as I do.
Last night I was at the grocery store looking for snack foods to eat while I was working. I eventually ended up in the chip aisle, and picked up a bag of something called "O-Ke-Doke" because it had cool aliens on it...
It looked kind of like imitation Pirate Booty, so I was going to put it back until I heard a voice behind me...
NICE LADY: That had better not be the last bag, I was going to get some of that myself!
DAVE: Uhhh... no, there's plenty. I was just looking at it anyway.
NICE LADY: What? How can you not buy it? That stuff is addictive! Haven't you ever had it before?
DAVE: No. They don't have "O-Ke-Doke" in Washington State where I'm from.
NICE LADY: Oh you have GOT to try it then! It tastes like butter, and my kids just love it!
DAVE: Butter you say?!?
So I bought a bag along with all kinds of other snacky crap. All the way back to the hotel, I was getting more and more excited about the prospect of eating crunchy fried butter. What a brilliant idea! So I get back to my room, pull out my laptop, and rip open a bag... only to find out that it's not that great. Sure it tastes like butter (and that's a good thing)... but it's way too salty.
Except I cannot stop eating the stuff.
I ate half the bag last night for dinner, and polished off the remainder this morning for breakfast. It's like butter cocaine or something...
Damn those dirty space-alien-fried-butter-cocaine-snack-pushers!!
Who needs spaceships and lasers to take over the earth? They've got O-Ke-Doke! And with 1190 calories, 1470 milligrams of sodium, and 77 fat grams per bag, humanity's destruction is assured.
And now I have to go to the store so I can buy another bag for lunch.
Addiction sucks ass.
Last night I had to go to the store so I could buy some more food and snacks. As I was walking in, a woman and her three horrifying children came in behind me... each of them yelling about something. Finally one of the kids wanted to go look at magazines, so the entire brood went running off screaming.
What happens next is not pretty, but it does have me curious...
Okay. Let's say you have three kids. Let's further say that these three kids are going ape-shit in the magazine section. They're throwing magazines at each other. They're spilling magazines on the floor and sliding around on them. They're flinging those little subscription cards everywhere. It's total chaos in the red zone...
So where are you in this scenario?
A) You are over in the cereal aisle screaming at your kids from across the store to behave or else they will be in trouble. But you don't really mean it... it's just an empty threat. Your kids know this, so they completely ignore you. And hey, it's not your magazines being ripped to shreds, so you just don't care.
B) You are all the way across the store in the produce section. You hear your kids raising hell somewhere, but this is your "alone time" so you pretend you don't hear a thing. Why not let the store staff babysit your kids... that's what they're paid for isn't it?
C) You are at the check-out counter flirting like a whore with the guy at the register. To better your chances at scoring, you pretend that the kids going crazy over there aren't yours. Maybe if you ignore them long enough, they'll just go away.
D) You are out in the parking lot smoking a cigarette. Your kids are completely forgotten for the moment... out of sight, out of mind and all that. You contemplate ditching them at the store for a few hours so you can go get a manicure.
Have your answer yet?
Well, if you were any kind of parent at all, you would answer "E) I'm over in the magazine section beating the shit out of my kids and teaching them how to behave in public."
But if you are the bitch that followed me into the store... THE ANSWER IS ALL FOUR, A THROUGH D!!
Yes, you read that right. This bitch let her kids go insane while she was shopping, smoking, and whoring it up. She made a half-hearted effort to scream at them once from the cereal aisle, but then ignored them entirely. When I left, she really was in the parking lot loading up her groceries and having a smoke. I have no idea if she ever went back in and got her kids or what.
And I'm not being sexist here... this could have just as easily been a guy. Bad parenting knows no gender boundaries.
It's times like this I really do wish I had copies of my "Dumbasses Books" to hand out to people...
Instead, my only option is to run up and slap the bitch. But I opted not to, because I have no desire to see what the jail cells look like in rural Wisconsin.
Why, why, why, WHY isn't there an intelligence test required before people are allowed to have kids? From what I have seen, it would cause quite a dip in the population (because most people are really, really stupid and should never have kids) but I would be okay with that.
Dumbasses shouldn't be breeding anyway.
Oog. Today is going to be a very full day, and I'm not sure I'll have time to blog anything. Just to cover my ass, I'm going to whip out a meme really quick.
Before I get to that, however, I have to say that RocketBoom managed to pull it off. When Amanda left, I was sure the show would suck and die. This would be a real pity because, along with Ze Frank's The Show, RocketBoom is one of my favorite daily internet video haunts. But here's the thing... I never realized that Amanda Congdon, while cute and fun, was actually kind of annoying until Andrew got cutie Joanne Colan with her kick-ass accent to "guest-host". She is perfect for the job and, though I'd like to see a few more shows before passing final judgement, I'm kind of hoping she fills the spot permanently...
Anyway, I've been tagged with this "MEME-OLOGY" meme by a couple of people now, and have neatly tucked it into an extended entry for your reading pleasure...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
"I'll kill you! KILL YOU DEAD!" he screams, his eyes filled with rage...
It all started innocently enough when Bob (of Chasing Vincenzo fame) read that I would be back in Chicago and was kind enough to write and ask if I wanted to meet for dinner while I was in town. Since he's a great guy with a lot of interesting things to talk about, I agreed immediately. Bob ended up choosing a very nice tapas restaurant with authentic authentic Spanish tapas (quite a different story from the "fake" authentic tapas houses I've run into).
The restaurant, Emilio's, was celebrating an anniversary, so there was live music and flamenco dancers for entertainment. We started out with a bit of light pre-dinner conversation... war, politics, religion, who would win in a fight between Batman and Spider-Man... you know, the usual kind of stuff. But then we somehow got on the topic of nuclear fusion and all hell broke loose.
"You can't contain the super-plasma using inert gasses as a barrier between the magnetic fields. You need a total vacuum or it's not going to work!" Bob says.
"Oh I think it will work just fine if the molecular state of the gas is excited by injecting weak protons into the barrier matrix" I reply. "Perhaps xenon or argon would be a good gas to use."
"What did you just say?!?" Bob asks over the escalating sounds of the guitar and rat-a-tat-tat of the flamenco dancers stomping away.
"Errr... maybe xenon or argon..." I offer meekly.
"Argon?!? ARGON?!?? How can you say 'argon'— I hate argon gas!" Bob says loudly as he tries to compete with the music filling the restaurant. "No self-respecting scientist uses argon gas for containment!"
"Uhhh... calm down, Bob" I say diplomatically. "I'm sure quite a few nuclear scientists have had good success using argon to—"
"NO! NO THEY HAVEN'T!!" Bob bellows as he jumps up from the table, his temper soaring. "Stop saying that! Stop saying 'argon!'"
"Bob, you're overreacting" I say, trying to keep my voice calm. "Argon is just a gas, it's not—"
"THERE! YOU SAID IT AGAIN!!" Bob screams, his voice filled with fury. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT!"
Bob then grabs a handful of papas bravas (a yummy potato dish) and throws it at my head. The restaurant, once noisy with flamenco dancers, music, laughter, and conversation, suddenly becomes silent. A kindly waitress appears at our table and tries to fix things...
"Is there a problem here gentlemen?" she asks nervously.
"YES, THERE IS A VERY BIG PROBLEM HERE!! THIS BASTARD THINKS THAT ARGON GAS WOULD MAKE A GOOD BARRIER BETWEEN MAGNETIC FIELDS OF A FUSION REACTOR!" Bob roars, all eyes on him.
"Argon?" the waitress says in a small voice. "Well, maybe not argon per-se... but certainly if the gas molecules were in an excited state... perhaps by injecting weak protons?"
Bob just stands there for a minute fuming, his hands bunched into fists. Nobody moves. It's as if the restaurant has been suspended in time.
Suddenly, Bob springs across the table and lunges at the waitress. "I'll kill you! KILL YOU DEAD!" he screams, his eyes filled with rage. The waitress is paralyzed with fear as Bob knocks her to the ground and wraps his hands around her neck. "ARGON THIS!" Bob wails as his hands tighten on her throat.
Panic fills the air as people start running around screaming. One of the busboys and a team of flamenco dancers manage to pull Bob off the poor waitress and hold him at the bar. He starts yelling something about "argon gas being a tool of the devil," but I am in a state of total shock and don't hear it.
I just sat there sobbing quietly with papas bravas in my hair until the police showed up and took Bob away. Something tells me he won't be welcome back at Emilio's any time soon.
...
Well, okay, that's not really what happened.
We had a wonderful dinner with fantastic food, and it was a lot of fun. But I'm getting tired of writing about how great it is to meet up with my fellow bloggers, and so I thought it would be more entertaining to write about what would happen if Bob went crazy and tried to strangle a waitress.
Because that would be kind of cool.
Not for the waitress, obviously, but it would make for a far more exciting blog entry.
Anyway, thanks Bob for a great dinner!
Yesterday afternoon as I was standing in line to check-in to my Chicago hotel, I overhear something curious in a conversation between two sarcastic twenty-something bitches in the lobby...
"Well, the world is going to hell and the gays have invaded the city."
And in my mind I'm thinking "Seriously? The gays have invaded Chicago?? I didn't see that one coming."
Suddenly my head is filled with images of the gay militia pouring into the streets of the city, looking fierce and fabulous! They're wearing lovely pink camouflage latex tank-tops with matching pink boots and a perky beret. They're armed with rhinestone-studded assault rifles (assuming you can bedazzle an AK-47) and the world is awash in sequins and glitter. They're setting up their HQ in Hancock Tower (tee hee), and it's the prettiest invasion ever (I hope there's good television coverage when I get to my room). I then wonder if my 20% status is enough to join-up because I, for one, welcome our new militant gay overlords...
And then I find out that it's a different kind of invasion entirely. Chicago is hosting the Gay Games this coming week, and the opening ceremonies are today.
Well, darn.
I was really hoping for an actual gay invasion because that would certainly make this trip a memorable one.
And speaking of "fierce and fabulous" - am I the only one NOT going to BlogHer at the end of this month? It seems like a lot of the blogs I read have everybody gearing up for the event. I thought it was a conference just for the ladies, but now I'm seeing that guys are going too.
I always miss the good parties.
The taxi driver smelled so bad that my eyes were watering. And it wasn't like he was oblivious to the fact, because he'd occasionally whip out some deodorant spray in a futile attempt to mask the stench. Of course this did nothing but make things worse. The guy smelled like he crapped his pants, took a bath in a urinal, and then slept in a sweaty, stanky locker-room for a week. The 100-degree heat wasn't helping much either.
By the time I got to Lincoln Square, I was inundated with a melange of horrible smells and about ready to pass out...
But I did my best to stay conscious, because I was meeting Jenny for dinner and a movie and thought she might appreciate not finding me passed out on the sidewalk.
Or maybe she would. I'm probably a much better conversationalist that way.
Anyway, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest was a convoluted story filled with never-ending coincidences and lots of mind-blowing special effects. While not as good as the first film, it was still an entertaining ride (mostly due to Johnny Depp, who once again delivers out a masterful performance). The surprise was that they brought back Jack Davenport (of Coupling fame) to play Commodore Norrington. He completely eclipses Orlando Bloom at every turn, and is by far the more sympathetic character. That's actually kind of bad for the plot, but a happy accident for the movie, because it ends up adding some depth to the story.
The evening ended at a German bar full of elderly people partying down to a live band. Some of those seniors had brilliant moves ON the dance floor, which was surprising considering they could barely walk OFF the dance floor. Jenny and I were regretting that we didn't have a video camera, because this is the kind of stuff that thrives on YouTube.
Unable to find a taxi back into the city, I decided to hop on the train. Right behind me was a man trying to manage his sloppy-drunk girlfriend from falling over as she started gyrating wildly to music that wasn't there. It was amusing at first, but quickly became embarrassing. She was cursing profusely and jabbering on endlessly about stuff nobody really wanted to hear. Even worse was that she was scowling (for emphasis, I'd imagine) as she spoke, which reminded me of somebody...
I also suspect that she had head-lice, because she was forever shaking her hair like a woman possessed. I kept waiting for her head to snap off or maybe spin all the way around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist.
Scary.
I wish I could say that this was the end of my travel entertainment, but my taxi ride to O'Hare this morning wouldn't allow it. The driver, who was talking to himself the entire way, decided to LIGHT UP A CIGARETTE as we pulled on to the airport expressway. Why he couldn't have waited ten minutes to drop me off first was a complete mystery. So instead I got to sit in cigarette smoke which pissed me off pretty bad. I hope he spends the $2 I tipped him wisely, because the idiot shouldn't have gotten anything at all. Dumbass.
What happened in the month that I was away? Did Chicago pass some kind of city ordinance whereas taxi drivers are required to make their cabs smell as bad as possible?
Oh well. I'm home safely in my sweet-smelling apartment, so I guess that's all that really counts... isn't it?
Today I was pelted with apples.
Little green apples falling from the sky.
Well, not me personally, but my car. To say it was shocking would be an understatement...
Turns out it was not quite the miracle I had first thought.
Every day I drive by the fruit packing sheds to get to work. It's so commonplace that I completely ignore the scenery. Today they were dumping rejected apples into a big truck (for juicing, I'd imagine) and a few of them over-shot the bin and rained down on my car.
It's the little surprises that keep life interesting.
I've been tagged with the BlogMe interview meme by Belinda and Mocha Momma, which I have put in an extended entry for those who should care to read it.
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Before I sat down to write this entry, I went back through my travel category and was irritated to discover that every single trip I've taken over the past three years has had some kind of problem along the way. There's no doubt about it... commercial travel has been sucking more and more lately.
To get the best price, you have to make your reservations online. But most travel websites suck ass and don't work half the time, which means you have to call and pay the higher price anyway. Flights consistently run late and are overbooked (if they aren't canceled first). Reservations mean nothing, as rental car agencies and hotels are happy to promise something they can't deliver. Nobody smiles or is friendly anymore. Internet access is rarely free, and the more expensive it is, the more it's going to suck. Everything that can possibly go wrong, will go wrong.
Above all, fellow travelers are dumbasses. Here's an example from my flight over to Seattle this evening...
STEWARDESS: Due to the short 35-minute duration of this flight, we will be featuring a limited beverage service only. We offer Apple Juice, Orange Juice, Cranberry Juice, Beer, Water, and Wine. Again, your choices are Apple, Orange, or Cranberry Juice and Beer, Water, or Wine. Thank you!
STEWARDESS: (wheeling her little cart to the first passenger) And what would you like to drink sir?
TOTAL F#@%ING DUMBASS: I'll have a 7-Up.
I know people think I invent this crap, but I shit you not. You just can't make up stuff like this.
And now I am sitting in my hotel room which was advertised on the internet as having "HIGH SPEED INTERNET IN EVERY ROOM" and a banner saying "WIRELESS INTERNET!!" Little did I know that this does NOT mean wireless in every room... it means that there's wireless in the lobby only, and rooms have to use a cable (which they do not provide, and I didn't bring with me because I thought I'd have wireless). This kind of deceptive crap is just unforgivable. My blinding rage has me very close to burning this f#@%er to the ground.
But I'm too tired to find another hotel. So I guess I'll go post this from the lobby, then head back to my room and despair because I'm going to spend the night without internet access. Stupid hotel.
Now, for a random bit of hilariousness, go read Kevin Smith lambaste the totally irrelevant douche-bag movie critic Joel Siegel on his blog. I cannot WAIT for Clerks 2 to hit this weekend. The fact that an unprofessional prick like Siegel feels the need to walk out of a screening only makes me want to see it more.
Work was in Tacoma today, which is about an hour south of Seattle and the "TAC" in SeaTac International Airport. It's a noteworthy city to me because of one man: Dale Chihuly. I am a huge, huge fan of his stunning glass artwork, and Tacoma is a showcase for some of the best of it (probably because it's his home town).
Surprisingly, even though Chihuly is a huge backer of The Museum of Glass, his work in not a major part of the museum's relatively small gallery floor (you need to go to the Tacoma Museum of Art to see a permanent Chichuly exhibit). But you do get to see live glassblowing here and a few beautiful pieces of Chihuly art in the "Hot Spot" balcony...
From the museum, you can walk across the "Bridge of Glass" and see even more Chihuly, including a glass ceiling that is breathtaking when the sun is shining through it...
Once across the bridge, you can enter Union Station and see five amazing Chihuly installations in glorious open spaces...
Who could have ever guessed that Tacoma, Washington would end up being the "Venice of the West"?? I just consider myself lucky that such an amazing display is only three hours away from my home.
Anyway, then it was back to the airport so I could catch a quick 50-minute flight to Spokane (which is about 4-1/2 to 5 hours by car). My flight was delayed (what else is new) but I managed to catch an earlier plane. Once I arrived and picked up my rental car, I discovered something surprising with my Subaru Legacy... can somebody tell me when they started making semi-automatic cars?
I call it "semi-automatic" because, while there's no clutch, you'll note that there is a "+" and "-" on the gear-box which allows you to change gears, just like a manual transmission. It's a very odd driving experience, but not bad once you get used to it.
First stop in Spokane was, of course, to eat THE BEST PIZZA IN THE WORLD at David's Pizza. I debated going out for a movie, but I've seen Pirates and Superman already, so there's not much else I want to see until Clerks II hits this weekend. Oh well. You won't hear me complaining about calling it a night and getting a few extra hours sleep.
After yet another orgasm-inducing meal at David's Pizza, I decided to drop by The Comic Book Shop to see if lesbian Batwoman was out (heh, heh) yet. Not only was she out, but she was REALLY out, because they had three stacks of the issue piled on the shelf. Apparently lesbian super-heroes translate into big comic book sales. This has me wondering if we're going to start seeing lesbians in all the comics now. Or perhaps more lesbians on this blog! In any event, the story was kind of boring and barely hinted at any hot lesbionic action. Fanboys are going to be upset.
But not by the size of her chest...
I have no idea how she can be expected to fight crime around a rack like that, but I guess every hero has their problems. Batwoman just happens to have two of them.
This is my last day on the road for awhile. Tomorrow I'll be home and finally be able to catch up on everything that's been piling up for the past two months. I live in fear of my post box. There's bound to be quite a stack of mail heaped in there by now. Much like my email InBox...
I mean, dang, that's a LOT of email to read. My spam filter works pretty well, so most of those are going to be legit. I guess I know what I'm going to be doing this weekend.
WATCHING CLERKS II, THAT'S WHAT! Hah!
And adding more lesbians to Blogography.
Uhhh... and answering email (if I can find the time).
The thing that makes Kevin Smith such a brilliant filmmaker is the way he can create a universe that seems more "real" than actual real-life. His characters always have witty, profound things to say, and are never at a loss for words in even the most bizarre situations. This was made clearly evident in his very first movie, Clerks which has long been one of my favorite films of all time.
Where Kevin falters is when he strays from his carefully-constructed reality and ruins the world he's built. This is why Mallrats, Jay & Silent Bob Strikes Back and Dogma will always be inferior to Chasing Amy and Clerks... sure they're entertaining, but the un-reality built into the movies spoil things for me. They rip me out of the film and turn me into a mere observer instead of a part of the story.
So which side of the fence does Clerks II land on? Well, it's a mixed bag. For the most part, it is everything I love about a Kevin Smith film, with only a few moments of distraction. An example... at one point in the movie, the luscious Rosario Dawson's character, Becky, is trying to teach Dante how to dance to The Jackson Five's ABC. It is a magical, heartwarming moment that's tempered with funny inserts of the other characters bopping along to the music. It's perfect. But then, for no reason at all, Jay and Silent Bob appear in pig-tails mugging for the camera as a dance number breaks out.
WTF?!?
There goes reality. No longer are you a part of the Clerks II universe which seems so very real... you are torn from their world with such violence that the moment is destroyed. And I just don't get it. Why? What purpose does it serve? I've forgotten all about Dante and Becky during a pivotal scene in the film and am all of a sudden watching people dance? It's almost tragic how horribly this nonsensical moment puts the brakes on an otherwise great film. Where was Scott Mosier when this travesty of a scene was edited into the movie?
Sadly, if it weren't for this really bad decision, Clerks II would easily slide right up next to Clerks and Chasing Amy on the Kevin Smith scale of greatness. As it is, it ends up somewhere in the middle. I want very badly for the DVD to come out so I can buy it, rip it, then re-edit it into the brilliant film it could have been.
Anyway, focusing on the positive now...
Clerks II opens with Dante and Randal still working their menial job as clerks at the Quick Stop. But when the store burns down, everything is thrown into chaos and they must start a new life working an even worse job at the McDonald's-inspired Mooby's restaurant. A year later, it's Dante's last day before packing up and moving to Florida with his fiance, but Randal (of course) has other plans...
The dialogue is, as always, note-perfect. Randal's tirades are among my favorite moments in movie history, and we are treated to some hilarious new material as only he can deliver it. The wordplay between Dante and Randal is as sharp as it's ever been, and is worth the price of admission alone.
Rosario Dawson, who is an incredibly talented actress, slides effortlessly into the world of Clerks and looks frickin' amazing while doing it. Her very presence elevates the movie to another level entirely, and adds substance to scenes that could have otherwise gone very wrong.
But my favorite moments of the film (besides the "inter-species erotica," of course) are served up by Trevor Fehrman. His almost painful level of naivety as the Lord of the Rings-and-Transformers-loving geek Elias, come very close to stealing the show. His reactions to the ever-increasing insanity that's forever following Dante and Randal around offers up a fresh perspective on the story that wouldn't be nearly as entertaining without it.
After all is said and done, it's a highly entertaining film with only a few mistakes keeping it from greatness. I can only hope that this is not the last we'll be seeing of these characters, as the movie ends on a note that only leaves you wanting more.
Much like Clerks did over a decade ago.
Well that was frustrating.
Movable Type's blogging software just gets more inexplicable with every new release. Their latest, version 3.3, is no different. I specifically waited until it was out of beta before installing it, because I wanted to be sure that they had time to work the bugs out and finish up the documentation. Well, as it turns out, I shouldn't have bothered.
If you are a Movable Type user, or are interested in the software which runs this blog, then I've detailed my upgrade "experience" in an extended entry. Everybody else may want to come back later when I'll be bitching about something else...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
I really hate it when I get a song stuck in my head.
After seeing Clerks II it's the song Goodbye Horses by Q Lazzarus, which is a pretty messed up tune to have running through your mind all day long. If you don't recognize the name, you will probably still know of it as the song that "Buffalo Bill" dances to in Silence of the Lambs. Well, in Clerks II you get to see a flawless reenactment by Jason Mewes that's even more disturbing.
Well, not the dance itself... I mean, what guy hasn't put on makeup, dressed up in the skin of dead women, then danced around the house with his penis tucked between his legs? Yeah, we've all been there...
No. What's truly disturbing is that once you start thinking of Buffalo Bill, you think of the actor who portrayed him... Ted Levine. And then you have to freak over how he now plays Lt. Stottlemeyer on the television show Monk. For some reason I find this transition of characters to be very disturbing...
I mean, he's obviously a very talented actor to be able to play such diverse roles... but damn. I just can't stop imagining that after Stottlemeyer gets home from a busy day of solving crimes with Mr. Monk, he's dancing around like this just for kicks before bedtime.
And then the image won't leave my mind as I hear... ♬ "Goodbye horses. I'm flying, flying, flying over youuuu..." ♬
Yikes.
For anybody into self-torture, the beautiful Q Lazzarus version of Goodbye Horses isn't for sale on iTunes, but a pretty good cover by the band Psyche is. Listen at your peril.
As if that wasn't enough on my mind...
Coming 2008?!? What kind of tease is that? I have to wonder if J.J. Abrams is going to manage to screw up Star Trek as badly as he's trashed Lost and destroyed Alias. He always starts off so strong then crashes and burns. Please have somebody with enough sense to know this cut him loose when things start to slide on yet another good franchise before it goes bad.
Though he has a LONG ways to go before it gets as bad as the totally boring Star Trek: Enterprise and the utterly crappy Star Trek: Voyager.
This weekend I received no less than EIGHT emails from Blogography readers telling me of the "happy" news that Elizabeth Hurley was finally going to marry her long-time millionaire boyfriend, Arun Nayer. It was kind of nice, because everybody tried to break the news as gently as possible, and pass along their condolences.
And, though there is -zero- chance that I would ever end up dating Elizabeth Hurley, it still kind of stung a little bit. The world's most beautiful woman was going to be off the market...
First she's removed of Project Catwalk, and now THIS?!? Not a good month for Elizabeth Hurley stalkers such as myself. But then, just as suddenly as it happened, things started to change when I check my Elizabeth Hurley news feeds...
Liz Hurley has dismissed rumours that she is planning to wed millionaire boyfriend Arun Nayer.
The actress was reportedly spending time looking at possible venues for the ceremony in the English countryside, but Hurley is quick to deny she has any marriage plans.
She said: "It's not true, it's all fiction, fiction. I'm in the country at the moment and I have about 50 helicopters circling overhead, but all I've done it feed the chickens and water the flowers."
And then I get the news that Elizabeth Hurley has been chosen to be the new face for Jordache...
NEW YORK, July 21 /PRNewswire/ -- Jordache will unveil a national advertising campaign featuring model and actress Elizabeth Hurley. Shot by famed photographer Michael Thompson in his NY studio, the campaign features Hurley clad in classic Jordache Jeans, edgy with a whip and the iconic Jordache horse. The first ad will run in national publications beginning in September and will run through the holiday season.
Liz with a whip? Well doesn't that sound delicious! Jordache's web site is all blurred out, but if you dig around the internet, you can find a tiny little picture of what's coming...
Oh yeah. That's the ticket. Add that to the second round of "Got Milk" ads that are starting to hit...
And, of course, there's Elizabeth Hurley's Swedish ads for MQ where we get to hear her utter the words "Swedish Penis Pump"...
And all the world is right again.
Oooh. Yet another ball-scorching heatwave of a day.
A good day to die.
Which I very nearly did because some dumbass in a pickup truck almost ran me over as I was walking to the bank. He took off from a stop light and never once looked forward. He was instead looking off to one side the entire time. I dunno... maybe he saw something shiny and was distracted? Whatever. All I do know is that he wasn't looking where he should have been, and would have run me down right there in the crosswalk had I not been paying attention. I literally had to jump out of his path to avoid getting splattered.
Why does this keep happening to me?
I really do need to get my Dumbass Books printed, because I would have loved to staple a copy to a brick, throw it through his rear window and imbed it in the back of his stupid head...
Oh how I am getting tired of living in white-trash rural America.
On Sunday I went to the grocery store. On my way back out, I noticed a guy in the passenger seat of a car screaming obscenities to a woman who was getting out of the driver's side... just two spaces down from me. She wasn't taking it lightly, because she was yelling it back as good as she was getting...
CRACKER BOY: STOP BEING A BITCH! JUST GIVE ME THE F#@%ING MONEY SO I CAN GET THE F#@% OUT OF HERE!!
CRACKER BITCH: SHUT THE F#@% UP! I'M NOT GIVING YOU SHIT!!
CRACKER BOY: F#@%!! F#@% THIS SHIT!!
I slowed down a bit, because I was seriously worried that the guy was going to jump out of the car and start beating on her or something. But, after they screamed for a minute longer, I heard THIS as I was putting my groceries in the trunk and the woman headed off to the store...
CRACKER BOY: MOM! MOM!!! COME ON! GIVE ME THE F#@%ING MONEY!
CRACKER BITCH: YOU CAN GET A F#@%ING JOB IF YOU WANT YOUR F#@%ING MONEY!!
I mean, holy crap!
This is how he talks to his mother?!? He looked like he was still in high school!
If I were to have mouthed off like that, my dad would have beat the shit out of me to within an inch of my life.
At least I HOPE he would have.
Parents simply aren't passing out much-needed ass-kickings anymore. I weep for the future.
This is part one of a two-part entry.
Please tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion!
w00t!!
PRAISE BE TO KRYPTON! FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY... Richard Donner is going to be given the cash to re-cut
I have written about Donner's Superman II here. And there is also a Wikipedia entry on it as well.
In other totally sweet DVD news... my copy of Pinky and The Brain: The Complete First Season arrived today!
I love this cartoon and have been waiting for YEARS for it to show up on DVD. Something about mice plotting for world domination just fills my heart with joy.
And now, since I want to watch my DVDs rather than figure out what else to write, I've filled out a meme from over at Avitable's blog in an extended entry...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Given my increasing frustration with the Movable Type blogging software, I took a few hours to play around with WordPress this afternoon.
Holy crap. I give up.
Sure WordPress has fabulous documentation (my biggest complaint about Movable Type)... BUT IT'S ALL OUTDATED!! Need information on replacements for depreciated tags, TOUGH SHIT... the docs don't have it. Want to know how to import entries? TOO F#@%ING BAD... the documentation is ANCIENT, and bears absolutely NO relationship to the actual process! This is supposed to be better than Movable Type's docs HOW?!?
I had heard that WordPress was more difficult to make templates for, but that's a flaming understatement. It's not that I mind hard work or a steep learning curve, but I'd like the structure to at least make some sense. WordPress had me completely baffled at almost every turn. Want to use images for navigating between pages? Okay! Want to use images for navigating between entries? You can't! Want to customize a drop-down menu for date-based archives? No problem! Want to customize a drop-down menu for category-based archives? Sorry!
There is -zero- consistency in how you use the Word Press faux-tags (which are not really tags at all, but PHP code snippets). Even worse, you have to use endless streams of variables to configure even the simplest of tasks. I mean, just look at this crazy shit...
get_links('-1', ' ', ' ', ' ', FALSE, 'name', FALSE, FALSE, '-1', FALSE, TRUE);
I went absolutely insane trying to remember what the parameters are and in what order they go. And by the time I had to add my fourth "hack" to the "my-hacks.php" file just to get basic functionality, I was certifiable.
After a while, I was beginning to feel that WordPress had a lot of power behind it (and some cool features to die for), but I just don't have time to try and work my way through all the idiosyncrasies just now. If you want to see how things were looking when I gave up, I had my test site at a temporary domain here. It looks pretty much like my existing blog (which is what I wanted) but the underlying code is quite different.
So, for the time being at least, I'm sticking with the devil I know (that would be Movable Type). Sure it has some major problems, but at least the work is already done. Maybe if I get some free time and have some ambition left I'll take a look at "B2Evolution" or "Expression Engine" or one of those other blogging packages.
Surely they can't all suck ass... can they?
From RW over at Chasing Vincenzo comes Things You Don't Usually Tell Anyone About, like...
Back to Sunday cleaning...
I have an exceedingly low tolerance for "stupid."
This results in an ever-increasing loathing of stupid people. And I am not saying this to demean anybody who was not blessed with my staggering genius-level intelligence, because there's a huge difference between having below-average brain-power and being just plain stupid. The frightening part is that stupid people can only really attract other stupid people, which results in them mating and breeding new generations of even more dumbasses.
And, given their increasing numbers, I can only suspect that stupidity is the dominant gene.
This does not bode well for humanity.
Because if stupidity truly is the dominant gene, this means that the stupidest person in the breeding will be the one to pass along their intelligence (or lack thereof) to any offspring. The end result is that the human race as a whole will just continue to get more and more stupid.
Dumbasses will inherit the earth.
I mean, look around you. We've got idiots providing our entertainment and news. Morons in political office. Imbeciles roaming the streets. It's dumbasses everywhere you look. We're well on our way already, and I didn't realize it until this morning. That's because I had encountered no less than a dozen totally stupid people by the time I arrived at work. This doesn't even include the dozen more I'd seen in the internet news before I even got out of bed (Mel Gibson? Who knew?). I live in fear that the dumbasses will outnumber the rest of us in my lifetime.
Drastic measures are needed.
Forget stem cell research... locating the gene that causes stupidity should be our top priority.
UPDATE:
As if to prove my point, I've just arrived at my Seattle hotel to witness outrageous stupidity on an entirely new level. Traffic wasn't bad, so I arrived early and have to wait 30 minutes for my room to be ready. This doesn't bother me because the lobby has free wireless so I can check my email and catch up. What DOES bother me is that there is a woman holding some kind of sales pitch for a vitamin supplement. That, in itself is annoying, but it's even worse because she brought her kid. Her whining, screaming, hellion of a kid. And because she's giving some kind of speech, she's just letting the little bastard crawl around the lobby screaming at people, knocking over trash cans, banging on tables, throwing the television remote, and whatever other outlandish crap he can manage. What kind of stupid bitch lets their kid go apeshit in a hotel lobby like this? Anyway, the little demon eventually makes his way over to my table and knocks a chair over. Not willing to put up with this shit, I say (loudly) "STOP DOING THAT!!" This alarms the moronic mother, so she comes dashing over like a drama queen and grabs her kid. This causes the kid to scream. And scream. And scream. She then decided to holler my way "I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!"
To which I reply "Happy that you finally decided to watch your kid? Yes, I'm THRILLED." This results in her insulting me while she speaks to her little group, but I don't care.
The poor kid doesn't have a chance, does he?
Driving over to Seattle is a two-and-one-half-hour endeavor that I have done so many times that I barely notice it anymore. One minute I'm leaving my driveway, and the next I am pulling into the city... everything that happens in-beween is nothing more than a blur. About the only thing I usually remember are the dumbass drivers that piss me off, but today I didn't even remember much of that. For some reason this time was like the trip wasn't even real. Like a video game perhaps.
And that got me thinking about how cool my life would be if it were a video game all the time.
It would probably start off with Elizabeth Hurley appearing before me in a cloud and giving me some kind of quest to complete...
Then, like most adventure games, I'd be dumped in the middle of a forest with only my monkey companion to keep me company...
But eventually I'd slay a bunch of monsters and find treasure so I could upgrade to a Pirate Warrior...
And then I could battle big-ass boss monsters like Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore...
Then I'd become King of the World and marry Princess Elizabeth...
Yeah, my life as a video game would kick ass!
Must... not... kill. Must... contain... overwhelming... rage.
There will be no blog entry today. I have returned from Seattle and am so freakin' pissed that I would probably punch my fingers through the keyboard on my PowerBook if I were to even attempt to explain the crap I've had to put up with.
It's all I can do to keep from screaming my head off...
So instead I will talk about My Super Ex-Girlfriend, which was a pleasant surprise for me. I was going to wait for the DVD rental, but it was the only movie playing in the theater next to my hotel that looked even remotely interesting...
Luke Wilson plays Matt Saunders, an architect who's unlucky in love until he meets Jenny Johnson (played by Uma Thurman), a quirky woman with an amazing secret: she's the hero "G-Girl" who flies around New York as its super-powered protector. But when things don't turn out as planned, Matt breaks off the relationship and ends up with an ex set on revenge.
While the film doesn't work on all levels, the compelling cast and occasional humorous moment makes me glad I saw it. Eddie Izzard? Anna Faris? Rainn Wilson? WANDA SYKES?!? I am so there. But the real star is Luke Wilson, who manages to play this kind of sympathetic role with an ease and humility that makes the movie work despite some serious flaws in pacing... even when Uma goes overboard psycho.
In the end, I'm very glad that the super-hero genre has managed to cross over into comedy in a way that actually works. Somehow I don't think this will hold true for Tim Allen's upcoming Zoom! (because it sure as heck didn't for the ridiculous Sky High).
Anyway, hopefully tomorrow I'll be calm enough to blog again.
But I doubt it.
Today's entry has been rated R by the Blogography Review Board for graphic violence, mature themes, sexual situations, and massive use of profanity. Imagery contained within may be upsetting to younger readers, persons with heart conditions, pregnant or expectant mothers, overly religious nut-jobs (this means you Pat Robertson!), dumbasses incapable of comprehending satire or parody, those with an IQ under 80 (including idiots, morons, stupid-heads, imbeciles, dunces, dimwits, dorks, chowder heads, or raging dumbasses), fans of the television show 7th Heaven, and all those people who are already offended by my blog (but read it ever day anyway)...
Do not proceed if you fall into any of the above categories. And, if you should choose to proceed anyway, don't even think about sending me an email or leaving a comment telling me how much you hate me and my blog. Because after I've gone to all this trouble to warn you about the atrocities within, that would just make you a major douche.
So please don't click the extended entry link below. You've been warned.
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Wow. I got so caught up in work today that I totally forgot about my blog! That almost never happens.
Oh well. I guess it's a little late to do anything about it now.
I only hope that I can get to sleep after Adena got this song stuck in my head all day.
Sometime back in 1979-1980 I ran across a comic strip called "Garfield" about a total bastard of a cat who tormented his dorky owner Jon. I really liked it because it was a little more sarcastic than "Peanuts" and the rest of the funny paper offerings. Since I didn't get the strip in my local paper, my grandmother was nice enough to clip them out and send them to me. Every couple of weeks I'd look forward to getting a fat envelope filled with Garfield strips to read, which was pretty sweet!
But, after a couple years, I couldn't help but notice that the strip was getting repetitive and boring. Rather than come up with something new and interesting to talk about, the team of writers and illustrators that Jim Davis hired to do the strip just maintained the status quo (about the only decent thing to happen since then was the Garfield cartoon show, which was far more interesting than the strip). Eventually I lost interest and moved on to more "cutting edge" humor like my beloved "Calvin & Hobbes" and "The Far Side."
Well, today I ran across something rather cool... the people behind Garfield actually realize that the strip sucks, and have provided a tool to let you create your own!
I need to make a tool like that for my DaveToons. It would be a heck of a lot faster than having to draw them.
DUDE!
Thanks to Brandon over at The Sports Logo Pundit, I just ordered me what has to be the sweetest hockey jersey on the planet from the Milwaukee Admirals.
Seriously, check this out...
Coolest. Logo. Ever.
IT'S A PIRATE!! And note that the jersey has a lace-up front, buccaneer-style, which is even sweeter.
According to Brandon there's controversy because some people don't like the new logo, but these people are full of crap! Just look at the lame logo they used to have versus the sweet hotness of the logo they have now...
The only sucky part is that the jerseys are so popular there is a seven-week wait. But that's okay, I guess, because it will actually be cool enough to wear it then.
And speaking of totally frightening impulse shopping... tomorrow is one of the two scariest days of the year: the start of Apple's World Wide Developers Conference (the other day being MacWorld in January). And why is that? Because it's when Apple will unleash cool new products on an undeserving world. And what will it be? New big-screen video iPod? iPhone? Mac Pro? iTaco? Who knows?!?
Of course, being the Mac whore that I am, I will totally end up buying everything... even though I can't afford it.
I still remain hopeful for iToast...
I swear I would totally buy a box of rusty nails, so long as it had the Apple logo on it.
Somebody help me.
I am a huge fan of animation and have done my fair share of goofing around using both traditional hand-drawn and 3-D computer techniques. The problem is that animation is hard to do well, so I usually get frustrated and give up. Still, it's proven to be valuable experience, because it has made me better at story-boarding and character design (which is work I really enjoy).
Recently I've fallen in love with the idea of making my own animations again, and have decided to see what I can do with the hefty DaveToon library I've accumulated from my blog over the past couple of years. At first I was going to do everything in 3-D, but that quickly fell through because the 2-D nature of my simple drawings didn't look very good when translated. So now I've been messing around with 2-D cell animation and find that it