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Posted on Tuesday, June 13th, 2006

Dave!Because I've been busy with work and processing T-shirt orders, I'm running behind in my email replies and haven't had much time to respond to my comments (though, rest assured, I treasure each and every one I get, and DO read all of them when I approve them). But the other day I got an email which kind of bothered me, and I thought I'd put it out there before I lose any sleep over it.

Basically, this guy told me that my blog isn't very funny, and if I want to write a humor blog that I should try writing more amusing entries.

This really puzzled me because at no point have I ever claimed that Blogography is a "humor blog". I write what I write. Sometimes funny things happen to me, so people might think of this site as being humorous from time to time... but I don't sit down and think "I'm going to be funny" when I write.

So I wrote back to the guy and asked him what the deal was. Turns out I am up for some kind of "humorous blog" award, and so he showed up here on a day when I was ranting about Windows Vista and couldn't find the funny he was looking for.

I've been up for awards before (and have even won some) I just never talk about it here, because I don't blog to enter contests or win awards. This doesn't make me ungrateful... I am really honored that anybody finds Blogography entertaining enough for something like that... it's just not something I want to spend my time thinking about.

But, since people are going to come here expecting something funny now, I thought I had better not disappoint them. Unfortunately, nothing humorous has happened to me lately.

Except this dream I keep having which is kind of funny...

You know that dream when you are walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City eating a banana and suddenly you realize that you're totally naked and you've grown to giant size? And then you notice that the entire city is populated by monkeys who are all screaming and running away from you? And for some reason the sky has turned all green with pink clouds and you are walking on water, but it's not really water because it's solid? Yeah, that's the one...

Dave's Dream

Anyway, when I have that dream, it doesn't end the normal way where the monkeys start dancing around singing Madonna's "Holiday"... oh no... for me it's totally different.

For me, the monkeys all of a sudden decide to attack with purple lightsabers like the one Samuel L. Jackson uses in those awful Star Wars prequel movies. But just as they are about to slice you up and steal your banana, A giant Elizabeth Hurley head appears in a beautiful white light! And then little sparkles shoot out from her glorious aura and magically give you laser vision (which is kind of like Superman's heat vision). So now you can zap the filthy little monkeys before they eat your banana...

Dave's Dream

Then, just as the last monkey disappears, you suddenly find yourself floating up into outer-space! But then the planets and stars turn into giant gum-balls that bounce around you. And since you really like gum, you try to reach out and take a bite, but you can never seem to touch them... they're always just out of reach....

Dave's Dream

And just as you become frustrated at your lack of gum-based chewing satisfaction, you wake up still holding the banana from your dream. But instead of being alone there is a crack-whore laying next to you that looks suspiciously like Ann Coulter. And then, just before you can start screaming because Ann Coulter is in your bed, you look again and it's not Ann Coulter after all... but a horse's head! Just like in The Godfather! But it isn't a severed head from a dead racehorse, it's a LIVE horse...

Dave's Dream

And wait for it... HERE'S THE FUNNY BIT... the horse turns to you and says "can I have a bite of your banana?"

And then you realize that you DIDN'T wake up, but you were STILL DREAMING!!

HA HA HA HAAAAAA! THE HORSE WANTS A BITE OF YOUR BANANA!! Isn't that totally the funniest thing you've ever heard?!? I slay me!!

Whoa! I should try to be funny in my blog more often!


Categories: Blogging 2006, Elizabeth HurleyClick To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Chase says:

    Yeah, I have that dream sometimes too. It probably just means you have excess gas. Just fart…you’ll feel better.

  2. Scott says:

    Okay, the story was pretty funny, until you got to the gumball part, and I really started wanting some gum, and not just any ol trident sugarless, teeth whitening gum I have around the house, it had to be multi-colored rainblow bubble gum in all the cool colors, just like the dream. And then I thought, thats funny, I havent liked gum since I had braces, so yea, I guess it was pretty funny, keep up the good work!!

  3. delmer says:

    You get Liz Hurley dreams and I get Abe Vigoda dreams.

    Things truly are better on the West coast.

    (It’s also my understanding that the “green’s the greenest green” not too far from you)

  4. Ariana says:

    Half way through your entry, just about when I was about to get to the cartoons I was already laughing hard enough to make my stomach hurt…but then again I just came home from a birthday party where I drank copious amounts of champagne. But no really, you’re funny. Even when I’m sober.

  5. Jeff says:

    That’s odd, I thought your Windows Vista post WAS funny.

    Oh, and the other day, I got sucked into an episode of Sponge Bob S.P. with my daughter and laughed my ass of.

  6. James says:

    *feels your forehead, feels the burning heat*

    phew…that fever explains so much. like this whole entry. It has got to be the strangest thing since penis salad.

  7. Rob says:

    Sponge Bob huh? Now that’s funny!

  8. Bre says:

    I’m quite impressed that you can always find a place for Liz Hurley. That’s devotion.

  9. Mocha says:

    Oh, Dave. You are hilarious. HI-LARIOUS. Most of your antics crack me up and I just adore the cartoons. They add so much.

    Speaking of which, can you send me a pic of that Cartoon Dave flying through the air MINUS the huge piece of bubblegum in front of his personal business? I’d love that.

    I’d love it so much I’d go vote for your blog in the humorous category of whatever you’re up for, ok?

  10. Karl says:

    Weird dream, dude. Mine always starts out on 42nd Street, not 5th.

  11. Erin says:

    Why does Davetoon have no legs in the first cartoon, just a monkey in his crotch?

  12. Mooselet says:

    I’m sorry, but some of those monkeys in that second cartoon look like they’re getting a little to close to Dave’s, er, banana.

    That dream is so messed up. The clouds should be purple, not pink. Sheesh.

  13. ARt says:

    Thats nothing.. I usually have dreams with subtitles.. o_O

  14. adena says:

    I think you ran into a bad batch of mushrooms…

  15. Randy says:

    Thanks Dave, I needed that…you are truly funny, but in a refined and empathetic way.

    Did this have anything to do with the recent theft of a shipment of fish from a neighborhood hachery?…that is very weird…

  16. Wow..bananas, light sabers, gumballs. Monkeys and horses wanting your banana.

    Dave, you’re still pretty gay and phallus obsessed. And maybe into animals. The gay part is fine, of course, as long as you accept who you are, but maybe you should get some help about the animal thing.

    This is out of love and concern for you….I took psychology once. So I should know. (OK so I got a “c” but I totally killed on the test where we studied drems.)

    Karla

  17. Nicola says:

    My gosh, I thought my dreams were mad.

  18. carlos m hernandez says:

    **Arrgh** Must get disturbing image of giant, naked Dave with monkeys out of my mind.

    Oooh, Spongebob! All is well. (Sorry, but Spongebob ranks above Liz Hurley on my personal laugh-o-meter.)

  19. Apricoco says:

    Why doesn’t naked davetoon have legs?

  20. Dave2 says:

    Cartoon Dave does have legs… it’s just that his massive penis is getting in the way, so I cant show them when he’s naked.

    At least not without endangering innocent children!

    You can see what I mean by clicking here.

  21. Dave2 says:

    Oh great, now I am going to get Google hits from people searching for “massive penis”!!

  22. Dave2 says:

    Though I suppose there are worse things to be known for than having a massive penis…

  23. Dave2 says:

    Like having a very small penis, for example.

  24. Dave2 says:

    That’s it! I’ve said “penis” entirely too many times today.

  25. Dave2 says:

    PENIS!!

    Ha ha ha… who says I’m not funny!

  26. Chase says:

    Um. I just saw the nude picture. Now you scare me…and I want your number.

  27. Nicola says:

    *really Laughing out loud*

  28. Michelle says:

    Do you happen to eat melted cheese much before you go to bed? I heard that gives you crazy dreams in technicolour.

    And yeah, too much “penis”.

    =D

  29. ms. sizzle says:

    you’re totally funny. why do people feel the need to say negative things to people on blogs? i just don’t get it. why don’t they get a blog and blog about it instead.

    i love the monkeys.

  30. Kevin says:

    What do you mean it’s not Ann Coulter? Looks just like her!

    A big apology to horse lovers everywhere. That was uncalled for.

  31. Troy says:

    Speaking of funny

    Q: What did one penguin say to the other penguin when he asked him to pass the soap?

    A: What do I look like? A telephone pole?

    Ha ha ha ha ha.

  32. Tracy Lynn says:

    I’m not sure that you CAN say ‘penis’ too many times.

  33. babyoog says:

    I love the strategically-placed monkey heads. Not to mention the spongebob bedspread!

    I sometimes think that I’m too heavy on my blog. Maybe I should try to be lighter – even funnier. But then I get a compliment and the feeling goes away.

    Your blog is brilliant. Don’t ever change! :)

  34. Laurence says:

    Dave,
    The question is not to know if you are funny, but if one can laugh at all.
    With the question “Peut-on rire de tout ?” (“Can one laugh at all ?”), Pierre Desproges, french humorist (1939-1988) answered “Oui, mais pas avec tout le monde.” (“Yes, but not with everyone.”)
    Pour moi, tu n’es pas drôle, tu es extrêmement, carrément, superbement, vraiment, résolument, et sans aucune hésitation drôle. In short, for me, you are very funny.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierre_Desproges

  35. Nancy says:

    What concerns me is not so much thinking about your penis… … … … :)… … …

    *kerm*

    But rather that I believe I actually know what this dream is about!

  36. sandra says:

    Should you also zap Kelly Osbourne, so that Liz can have her job back?

  37. Eve says:

    Did you know that if you strike Liz Hurley down, she shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine?

  38. Harold says:

    Dave, your Blog would have been alot more FUNNY if, in your dream, the horse that was in bed with you would have said… ” Dave, do ya want to horse arround banana-boy?”

  39. ChillyWilly says:

    I love the pic where Liz’s head is emcopassed in a glow.

    Here’s to hoping you win the humor blog award.

    FWIW, I read because I find your writing fun to read. And that you are a Mac head like myself.

  40. Dave2 says:

    Harold… Funny ha ha? Or funny scary? I’m equally disturbed, either way!!

  41. James says:

    Hmmm…I believe that has been the concensus all along. Disturbing behavior has never been so cool though.

  42. Steve says:

    Your commenters are so quick with their reviews and so capable at pouncing on anything that smacks of a set-up line, that it seems there is nothing left to say. The banana symbolism, your animaphilia, the obstructed view of cartoon Dave’s putatively large penis, and your overall level of mental health have all been covered quite well. I might as well resort to the most basic comment of the day — you’re funny.

  43. Deb_LA says:

    PENIS!!!! I wanted to say it again. There wasn’t hide nor hair of it all the way down here. That sentence combined with the word penis was actually kinda funny…OMG! NOW I’M funny!

  44. annie says:

    Okay, Dave, that was kinda funny, but could you turn it up a notch?
    And add more cartoons to the story.
    And more SpongeBob and Patrick.
    And a little less pink in the clouds.

    What I really want to know is, what was your response to this stupid, over-critical fucknut’s e-mail?

  45. Chanakin says:

    male genitalia, beastiality, and spongebob. Boy, are you gonna get some weird hits.

  46. Kevin says:

    Does it appear to anyone else as though SpongeBob and Patrick are celebrating Dave’s equine conquest? Or, perhaps it’s the horse’s Dave-ly conquest? Not sure which. I leave that open for someone else’s interpretation.

  47. Dave2 says:

    Uhhh… Kevin, sometimes a banana is just a banana!

    As for my response Annie, I just explained that whoever nominated me for such an award obviously finds me more amusing than I do. :-)

  48. Apricoco says:

    I think you are very funny… like funny ha ha, but not like you are a clown, I mean you amuse me… and the nekkid davetoon that was VERY funny! So screw that guy and his nasty comment… I am sure he is very very unfunny, and probably has a dumb blog.

  49. Neil says:

    I don’t know about everyone else, but I found this site because it was voted “Best Earth Science Blog” at ILOVEROCKSdotCOM, and I’ve been pretty disappointed in the posts ever since. Where’s the good stuff?

  50. Susan says:

    I am very glad that I don’t try to be funny on my blog, because then reading your blog would just depress me because I know that I could never ever make anyone laugh out loud like I did with your monkey-banana-Liz Hurley dream.

    Actually I was trying to be funny the other day but I don’t think that anyone got it. Maybe one person and I know he didn’t laugh out loud. I’ll guess I’ll try to shrug it off and continue to read Blogography anyway. And if you aren’t funny, then I’ll get that schadenfreude thing. But I’ll feel guilty about it.

  51. Wayne Hall says:

    It’s a documented fact that those specific dreams are brought on by fried egg sandwiches.

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