I am going to start carrying around one of those little "clicker counters" so I can keep track of the number of people I want to bitch-slap in a given day. I'm thinking that the number has got to be rather large... perhaps in the high thirties or low forties. It's possible that I'm just irritable, but I honestly think it's because there are a lot of people out there in need of a good bitch-slapping.
Case in point... I stopped at a shop whilst in Wenatchee yesterday. I wasn't there two minutes before some idiot came in with his demon-spawn child. His boy then proceeded to continuously blow a coaches whistle LOUDLY while the father did... nothing. The sales clerk and three other customers just stood there staring in shock. Me being, well... me, walked up and said something...
Dave: Hey... does he have to do that in here?
Idiot: It's either that or listen to him scream his head off.
Dave: You sir, are a model parent.
Idiot: Uhhhh... what?
Dave: Yeah, that's what I thought.
See? There's two slaps right there... one for the dumbass father and another for his whistle-blowing dumbass kid.
It's times like this that make me want to abandon saying "bitch-slap" and go back to saying "a punch in the face". I can see now that my attempt to come up with a less-violent way of enunciating my disproval in people is not nearly as effective, because I seriously wanted to hurt these idiots.
Most people would say "don't blame the child, he wasn't brought up right and doesn't know any better." But since he's the one with the whistle in his mouth, I don't really care. Obviously he isn't being taught proper manners at home, so it becomes the duty of society to educate the little hellion. The ideal solution is probably too harsh...
... so I guess a bitch-slap it's going to have to be.
And in other, non-slapping-related news, I see over at TV Shows on DVD that the Air America television show spin-off is being released on June 6th. Ordinarily, I wouldn't mention something like this (it was an okay show, but nothing fantastic), except Scott Plank co-starred in it with Lorenzo Lamas...
Now that Scott's tribute site seems to have disappeared, I get a lot of Google traffic from people trying to find out stuff about him (probably because I chose Scott as one of the three "Guys I Might Go Gay For" in a previous entry). Since he was one of the few decent people I met while I was involved in my "Hollywood project", I figure the least I can do is help keep his memory alive here when something like this comes up.
Oh, and before I forget... Kachina has posted a totally awesome entry on how great I am over at A Whiter Shade of Pale. As I said in the comments...
"I wished I possessed even a tiny amount of humility so that I could at least pretend to be humbled by such kind praise... but my ego simply doesn't allow for it.
As it turns out, I AM totally great.
If I weren't me, I'd be wishing I was me. But since I am me, I just have to be satisfied with wishing I was more me than I am right now. If I were three times more me than I am, I think I'd be pretty much perfect."
Now feel free to go write about how great I am in your own blogs.
Not that I need the validation or anything... I'm just suggesting a topic in case you can't think of anything better to write about today.
Though I can't imagine that there is anything better to write about than me.
So even if you THINK you have something better to write about than me, I'm here to tell you that it probably isn't, and you should just go ahead and blog about my greatness instead.
Not that I don't value your opinion, it's just that most people don't understand how truly magnificent I am, so I'm trying to point you in the right direction.
Because, admit it, you are feeling a little lost right now and could use some direction in your life, couldn't you?
Yeah, that's what I thought. Off you go then... remember to double-check the spelling of "Blogography" when you link back to here.
Not that I am accusing you of being a bad speller, I'm just saying...
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He was probably one of those parents who never disciplines his kids because they are allowing them to “experience life.” Arrrg.
Dave, you absolutely deserve an ode to your 40 years of greatness. From Liz.
What that kid needs to “experience” in life is a crack across his ass every time he starts acting like a dumbass.
Ass-beatings for kids… time-tested, Dave-approved!
The unfortunate truth of the matter is that most of the kids I see this days I want to bitch-slap. I think it’s irrevocably poisoned me against ever having kids.
And that Air America tagline…is it just me, or does that make the show seem like it could be porn?
Unfortunately, society today makes it nearly, almost COMPLETELY, impossible to smack your kid in public. Believe me, I have wanted to MANY times, but then there’s that threat of CPS coming down on your ass. I would’ve NEVER thought of acting the way most kids act (my daughter included) to my parents. They put the fear of impending death in me. It’s impossible to do it now, because kids know that you can’t really touch them. And BELIEVE me, kids are devious like that.
Yes! I am lost!
I’m just not sure beating up little kids and looking at pics of hot guys is the right direction for me.
How can one tell?
“…write about how great I am on your own blogs.”
Meh. I did that on your birthday. But you are great. The highest compliment I think I could give is that you are my ONLY absolutely-every-day-must-read. I get to everyone on the blogroll at least once a week, but you’re my only every day fix.
There. Feed the beast.
I almost caved in to the pressure of blogging about my desire to be you when I received that fortune cookie that told me to not be myself. I figured, why not be you? But you’re protected by creative commons and the legal wrangling I’d have to endure just to be you might not be worth it.
Hey, I’m stoked that Brisco County Jr.: the complete series is coming out on DVD. Expensive, but it may just be worth it.
Hmm, how about “cockpunch” instead of “bitchslap”? Conveys a bit more violence, but still has a humorous ring to it (at least to me… 😉
Cavan: Personally, I think everything sounds like porn. I hear “SpongeBob Squarepants” and instantly think porn, for example.
Adena: I am four-square against child abuse… but surely a smack on the ass when a kid does something stupid isn’t child abuse?
Chanakin: I was almost flattered that I might be the “hot guy” you mention, but then I realized you were probably talking about Scott Plank. So maybe I’m not such a big fan after all? 🙂
Belinda: Don’t get me wrong… there’s nothing wrong with writing about how great I am every day.
Kevin: Brisco is cool. I’ve got that one on order already. I miss me the Lord Bowler!
Claire: COCKPUNCH?!? Oh thanks a lot for that… you just caused my balls to shrivel to half their normal size (still impressive, but still…). Obviously you don’t have testicles, or you wouldn’t dare suggest something so… so… so… barbaric. 🙂
Oh, I wasn’t talking about Child Abuse….I’m totally against that, as well.
I’m talking about a good, ol’ fashioned smack on the butt when a kid is being horrible.
However, you CAN get in trouble for that, nowadays.
And “Time Outs” are a joke.
A post to your greatness?
Mmmmm… Okay…
Once when I was 8, I think in like 1927, a neighbor caught me stealing soda bottles from people’s porches. In those days you could cash them in for money and not have to be in Nevada! Anyway – it was theft pure and simple. He picked me up by the collar, dangling, and carried me a block and a half to my front door and my Dad came out.
That being the “Days of Yore” he handed me to my Dad who, also hand on my collar said “Thanks Herbie. We’ll see about this.” They were SMILING, and I got a big kick in the butt. And my Dad had big feet…
Too bad I wasn’t 8 in 2006 where “Herbie” would have been sued or arrested for grabbing me by my neck.
P.S. I was going to do a “How Great Is The Ponderous Dave2” but I had to pound some kid in the alley for kicking a can…
Oh the horror! I picture myself in that shop with you, and I shudder. On behalf of those of us who would just stare with a look of horror on our faces at such a breach of decorum in hopes that our non-verbal communication would send a clear message to a parent whom we would assume is obviously deaf, I thank you for taking the more direct route and just saying something.
Abnoxious kids-abnoxious parents-abnoxious kid…
It’s a vicious cycle that must end.
I’m down for a bitch slap or two.
I’m way ahead of the curve here as I blogged about how good you are ages ago. I’m still waiting for my check. You didn’t think I was serious when I said I was doing it for nothing, did you?
There are too many parents (or so it seems) who have no interest in disciplining their kids and are too quick to put the kid on ritilan because they’re uncontrollable. F*ckers like that shouldn’t be allowed to breed.
If you ever want to go on a bitch-slapping rampage there are a large number of viable candidates in this area. In fact, pretty much every child from the age of 14 down…
Primary school kids should be taken on a tour of the streets and told if they don’t listen to us then they’ll turn into these morons. Ooo, and their parents (I mean the ones that aren’t drunk in the pub all day) should be taken with them as a warning to the evil little bastards that there kids will become.
There isn’t a day I don’t feel despairing that these are the future leaders of our country… Yes, it can get worse…
I love Timothy Hatcher!
I hear that if you put enough vodka in their milk, they’ll be quite the charming angels God intended them to be.
Otherwise, there’s always the room of Very Large Knives… other obnoxious/clueless parents-kids could mingle.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Duct tape in public is OKAY.
I think what happens with these parents is that they’ve conditions themselves to block out all the noise their annoying kids make, and to look away from all the distracting things their kids do. For instance, on an airplane, the kid behind you kicks your chair the entire time, and their parent right next to them doesn’t notice, doesn’t make them stop. F#@% THOSE PEOPLE. I am the Grand Reprimander, I will reprimand to the death!
As far as that ode to you goes, I think she had some great points, and I especially think that #2 was NOT lame. She’s right, it is important. It’s the first thing I learned about you, which got me interested enough to browse through your archives and continue to return each day.
Bitchslapping is a huge down grade to exploding heads. I do think though that an exploding head would have fit this crime much more.
Too often, we lose sight of life’s simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&! upside the head.
Cultivate a huge voice. I have personally stopped all action on a packed public playground (say THAT three times fast) by bellowing at some little dude acros the way, who was about to yank a little girl off the big slide. By her pigtails.
The thing is, even if the parents want to get pissy, the big voice scares them.
Either that or bitch slap them.
First, I would like to say that I linked to you from MichealSeans’ blog and I am going to have to thank him for letting me know about this little gem of the internet you have here. Wonderful blog you got. Def am going to bookmark this site… Also, as a parent I am going to have to agree to the bitch-slapping…I am so horrified by some parents I see that I get scared to let my kids close in case the stupid rubs off..
One of the things that makes it easy to put our admiration of you into words, and everyday situations, is your name.
Dave is great, Dave is good, Now we thank him
For our food.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Dave is with you …
God. Lord. Dave. All one syllable. Delmer wouldn’t work.
Your ability and willingness to make it easy on us to make such an easy transition is, yet, another example of your greatness.
Sweet.
The key to F*#king these a$$hole parents up is to verbally provoke them into taking a poke at you. Then your unleashed, until they are on the ground begging for mercy as you sink your steel toed boot deeper and deeper into their skull.
“I hear “SpongeBob Squarepants” and instantly think porn, for example.”
Yeah…you and James Dobson*, apparently.
*”Focus On The Family” founder and religious right “parenting authority” who is frightened of SB’s sexual orientation (which is patently ridiculous, since there is actually an episode of SBSP in which he demonstrates that he reproduces by “budding”), because he has seen SB and Patrick holding hands. Seriously. Although, Dave, your disciplinary tactics are not that far removed from his.