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Posted on Sunday, January 22nd, 2006

Dave!I don't often look at my web stats because I just don't care how many people are reading my blog. But not so long ago I got an invitation to set up an account with "Google Analytics" for free, so I thought that I would give it a try. The preview showed that you get all kinds of pretty graphs and interesting numbers to look at, so why not?

Well, this morning I finally remembered to go take a look. Unfortunately, the charts and numbers don't mean a heck of a lot to me. I suppose if I gave a crap about this stuff, it would be totally awesome but, since I don't, it's boring. I'm just not seeing any data I'm actually interested in. For example, I still don't know why the hate-mails I get usually arrive on the weekend. Nope, instead all I get to see are things like where my visitors come from on a big map...

Google Analytics
Blogography: Big in Kangerlussuaq, Greenland

So I decided to write my own analytics software. I call it "Blogography Anal". It's a funky piece of engineering that gives you information you can actually use.* Just export your Google Analytics stats, then drop them into the program and press start.

In trying to get to the root of my hate-mail question, I first ran the data through Blogography Anal's "Visitification Index" to see how many people are visiting and whether or not I should be happy about it. The results look like this...

Anal Visitors

I find it interesting how traffic remains fairly steady throughout the week, but always plummets on the weekends. I guess people have better things to do than surf this sorry-ass blog on their day off? Can't say I blame them. Though I do shudder to think of the number of lost job-hours I am personally responsible for because billions of people are reading Blogography instead of working.

But if visitor counts drop so substantially on weekends, why is this when I get the most nasty emails and rude comments? I decided to rerun the stats, but this time use Blogography Anal's "Assholification Index" to see what happens...

Anal Assholes

Ah ha! Even though my visitor counts drop significantly on the weekends, it turns out that the number of assholes stopping by shoots to over eleven billion! Last Sunday there were 13.4 billion assholes alone.

And this is a problem. My "happy zone" for asshole visitors is between one and three billion a day. Any less than a billion, and you just aren't trying hard enough. Any more than three billion, and the odds are you'll start getting emails bitching about something you've said that week.

Since this is Sunday, I guess it means there is a 96.4% chance that the person reading this right now is an asshole.

Well, not YOU... I would never think of YOU as an asshole. I just love YOU.

So it begs the question: why in the heck do I bother to write in my blog on the weekends?

If visitor counts drop, and all I am going to get for my trouble is a bunch of assholes hanging around... why do it? I just don't know. Perhaps if I stopped writing on the weekend, I wouldn't feel like starting up again on Monday? Or maybe the people who count on Blogography to brighten up their Monday work-day would be pissed if they didn't have a couple of fresh entries to read before their boss arrives?

I guess there are questions that even Google Analytics and Blogography Anal can't answer.


* Please note that the accuracy of my calculations is plus-or-minus twenty-six billion.**

** Hey, I'm an artist, not a mathematician.***

*** Oh don't give me that look! Writing software is hard... let's see YOUR stats package.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. Pauly D says:

    Damn, you have over 13 million assholes on the weekends. I don’t get nearly that many.


  2. I am an asshole Dave.

    Just not to you.


  3. SJ says:

    Hey, kapgar’s looking for a stats service! You should sign him up.

    My highest readership tends to be on Sundays. Must be due to that time-honored Sunday custom of laying around in your jammies reading a few good lists.

    I’m not an asshole, but I used to be married to one. Does that count?

  4. i8toomuch says:

    You’re writing over the weekend cos people like me who are still bloody stuck in the grind on a sunday evening can laugh their tits off reading your blog on the moments when we’ve had enough of these bullshit work.

    BTW, i loved the previous post of King Dong. Certainly made my day.

  5. trixie says:

    can your programme pick up cheats, liars, hypocrites, obnoxious shit-heads and promise-breakers as well? if it does, could you send me a copy too? thanks. seem to need a radar these days.

  6. Anthony says:

    I wonder what the assholes are doing the rest of the week. Stealing babies? Ruining birthday parties?

  7. Annette says:

    The rest of the week, the assholes are writing spam with fake return addresses.

  8. Jackie says:

    I have an asshole but I try not to be one.

  9. Rodford says:

    Life without website stats is cruel indeed. How else do you know someone has read your words in Outer Mongolia?

    Long live stats! I love ’em.

  10. Dave2 says:

    No no Pauly… that’s not millions… its BILLIONS. 13 BILLION assholes last Sunday.

    Now, I realize that the entire population of the earth is a mere 6.7 billion people and, granted, not all of them have internet access… but I stand by my numbers.

    And, in totally unrelated news:

    Now YOU can put your product or service in front BILLIONS of potential customers by placing am advertisement here at Blogography! Sure our advertising rates are outrageous, but you’ll be reaching more people than actually exist, and that doesn’t just make sense… it makes cents! So contact us for a Blogography advertising for a rate quote today!

  11. just another asshole here…lol I’m jealous – I never get hatemail…I feel so left out…. I really need to step up the bitch factor on my blog. 😉

  12. Fnqueen says:

    LMFAO! I just started reading your blog. Love it!

    Damn, where are all these assholes coming from? Maybe you should do a chart of assholes by region!

  13. Neil says:

    I don’t even bother to write anymore on the weekends I get so few readers. Even my mother won’t read my blog. I usually spend the weekend writing hate mail to Blogography.

  14. Kimono says:

    You have at least 1 visitor from Japan.
    I have enjoyed your blog since I met you in Osaka.

  15. melina says:

    this post made me laugh, especially the charts! thanks dave!

  16. Kyle I says:

    I notice the drop on the weekends too. But I can’t say I’m worried about bandwidth since the most I’ve ever seen is about 100 hits in a day. Oh, and without the hate mail too…..

    I don’t know what it is about charts and maps and all that other shit, but it appeals to the OCD’er in me.

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