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Posted on Tuesday, November 21st, 2006

Dave!My hand reached out to touch it and I was pleased to see that I was not trembling. There could be no mistakes. There was no room for error. Things would never be the same again and my excitement was palpable. With nothing left to lose (and everything to gain) I swallowed hard and took the knife.

The blade was cold against my hand as I stood mesmerized by the light glinting off the edges. Something primal was in control now and, despite my better judgement, I liked it. A pang of regret swept through me but I dismissed it immediately. There was no turning back. Not now.

I thrust the knife forward. It went in much easier than I expected. There was no resistance at all. Just for kicks, I stabbed it in a few more times. This made was a lovely squishy noise that sent tingles down my spine. But enough playing around, it was go time.

I smeared the soy tofu "cheese spread" on my cracker and stared at it.

It kind of looks like cheese. It's certainly better for your body than cheese.

And, though it didn't taste much like cheese, it still beat eating a plain cracker.

Plain crackers suck ass.


If only they made tofu Pop Tarts, I'd be able to eat a lot healthier.

Categories: Food 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. Mark says:

    Did you eat the tofu-covered cracker?

  2. Dave2 says:

    Yes. As I said, it didn’t taste much like cheese… but it beats a plain cracker! 🙂

  3. Ok, for a sec I thought you were giving in to the steak. And why, praytell, did you have soy cheese? Is there some sort of cheese shortage in the Pacific Northwest? If so I’ll volunteer to send you some, because soy cheese is cruel and unusual punishment.

  4. serap says:

    Yeah, I don’t think soya milk tastes like milk either, but I have now grown to actually prefer it. Dave, every time you talk about food I worry that you don’t eat enough fruit and vegetables. Please tell me that you do!

  5. Laurence says:

    I do not know if the language used to speak about food is revealing or not a personality.

    But me, when I speak about food, I use a language more sensual because cook is more a pleasure that a slaughter!!!

    The way in which you speak about food is a little bit frightening (but well writing) !!! 🙂

    PS. What is “tofu Pop Tarts” ?

  6. Neil says:

    Are you sure it was really healthier? Sometimes I see these tofu products have a ton more additives than regular ol’ diary products.

  7. ms. sizzle says:

    tofu will soon take over the world!

  8. Miss Britt says:

    WHY do you torture yourself this way?

    I’ve never been a big fan of sacrificing for my principles.

  9. Tracy Lynn says:

    Oh, Dave. That’s just sad.

  10. Rick says:

    Dude, you seem a little tense. You might wanna try a tryptophan sandwich.

  11. Wayne Hall says:

    Try watching Nothing (the movie). Then listening to Nothing by Depeche Mode. Then, absurdly trying for a trifecta, eating Nothing. You just have, with the tofu.

  12. Lela says:

    What’s that garbanzo bean paste-like stuff called again? Why not put that on your crackers? At least it tastes like garlic!!


  13. Naomi says:

    Fake cheese!? FAKE CHEESE!? It’s a whole new low…

  14. Naomi says:


    Hummus–now that’s veggie-head food that I can dig…

  15. Mooselet says:

    What about hummas? That’s got to be better than tofu. Next thing you know you’ll be doing up a tofurkey.

  16. How dare you suggest they desecrate such sacred manna. Tofu Pop Tarts? WTF Dave?

    I hope Bad Monkey tofus on your sofa.

  17. nancycle says:

    a) How did it taste?

    b) Somewhere a cow’s teats are smiling.

    c) How does this impact your milk consumption?

    d) Pop Tarts are evil.

    e) I LOVE cheese! (My ass does too)

  18. Arwen says:

    There is some evidence that tofu (at least the way it is made in the US) is not healthier than organic whole milk cheese.
    Of course, there is probably evidence that proves that we are all offspring of martians too.

  19. Mrs RW says:

    No fake cheese. No fake butter. No fake milk. Real or nothing. I’d rather eat a plain cracker. Pop tarts with real melted butter are divine.

  20. Ben says:

    J’accuse mon ami! je n’aime faux fromage.

  21. Eve says:

    Well, I applaud you for trying a non-dairy alternative. Just curious, what brand of “cheese spread” was it? Soy products have come a long way in the past decade and there are certain brands that totally get it write. I enjoy ALL Tofutti products. I like to dip my tortilla chips in Toffuti “cream cheese” or “sour cream” along with salsa. I swear to you, you will not be disappointed with either one. Also, Tofutti “cheese” slices are yummy. I like to make grilled cheese sandwiches with them and I melt them on french fries too.

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