I live in constant fear of cauliflower.
And broccoli too, but mostly cauliflower because it looks more like a human brain. Although if I stop and think about it, broccoli should be more scary because it's like a green alien brain or something.
Every once in a while I have nightmares where I am being chased by a head of cauliflower which has grown to a giant size by sucking out human brains. Eventually the evil cauliflower traps me in a dead-end alley and there's nowhere to run. I pull out a gun and start firing at the vegetable hellspawn, only to find out that he is bullet-proof...
Then, just as the cauliflower is about to eat my brain, I wake up.
And I smell cauliflower.
But then I realize that I farted in my sleep, and that's what caused the nightmare.
Which makes me wonder why people would eat something that smells like farts in the first place.
Tonight I was watching a Steven Wright stand-up special on Comedy Central. The final break had a new Subway commercial where Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore trotted out subs with 6 grams of fat each and compared them to a "Burger King Stacker" which has 54 grams of fat because it's piled high with beef and bacon. FOR THE LAST TIME YOU STUPID F#@%... IF YOU WERE CONCERNED ABOUT FAT WHILE EATING AT BURGER KING, YOU WOULDN'T BUY THE FATTIEST THING ON THE MENU!! Why doesn't Burger King have a commercial where somebody comes out and compares a BK Veggie sandwich with 8 grams of fat to a Subway Spicy Italian Sub with extra cheese and mayo which has 305 grams of fat?? F#@% Subway. And double-f#@% that moron Jared Fogle. He has got to be the biggest douchebag asshole on the face of the planet. I'd like to strangle the idiot with his giant pair of f#@%ing pants and then deep-fry his f#@%ing head...
Then I'd make my own television commercial where I would compare Jared's fat head to a Subway Meatball Sub sandwich. They appear to be equal in brain cell grams.
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You know….you’re therapist is making a KILLING off of Jared….
Have you seen the purple cauliflower? That’s even more brain-like!
Dooood. I hate broccoli and cauliflower for that very reason. The smell of farty foods makes me want to yak.
I can’t tell you how much I hate Subway. When I was in college, I ate Subway every day because there was a stupid restaurant in my dorm building. Every. Day. To this day, I cannot walk into the smell of their “fresh baked bread” restaurant. Bleh.
Jared you goodie goodie, how I hate you so…..
I haven’t ate a fast food burger in quite some time. It’s been about almost a year actually. I went to Wendy’s on New Years Eve and was sick for a week. Never again will I punish my body like that….
I despise both those veggies, and your toon makes them look like they’ve joined together in eviality to take over the world. How can you look so calm while being attacked by a super giant broccoliflower?
You echo my thoughts exactly about Jared.
I was so happy that Steven Wright is back. His stuff wasn’t quite as good as his original material 15/16 years ago, but it was still classic Steven Wright. He’s one of my favorite comedians.
The thing that cemented my dislike of cauliflower and broccoli was learning that they are actually cabbage. Brussel sprouts, too. That explained so much, that fact. It doesn’t explain my love of Napa cabbage, but then, some things in this world are inexplicable.
Omar and I just left the table after two bowls of cauliflower, broccoli and carrots…Sat down to check my fav blogs and BLAM! you’ve created a giant veggie monster.
I’ll share comments later!
Now I don’t eat cauliflower and brocoli in the same way ! 🙂
Wow… there really should be a ‘Being Dave Simmer’ tunner/door/thing in the style of John Malkovich.
Alwasy hated cauliflower too… even as a child when my mum used to serve it up as cauliflower cheese (knowing my love for all things cheesy) and I would proceed to move the cheese sauce over to whatever else we were having leaving the ‘brains’ drying on the side of my plate.
OK…Here’s the funnier funny part.
My next blog entry is entitled “Fawt” (fart). Inspired by a discussion with Omar while eating my whistle dog.
Then while cooking the cauliflower I was thinking to myself why anyone would want to eat anything that smelled like ass???
Naturally due to the coincidence I had to share your thoughts on cauliflower and cool graphics. Omar laughed out loud to see bad monkey eating the urinal cakes (the ARE YOU A DICK were harder to explain…). Ironically, while eating our A&W at the mall the other day Omar described to me: “you know those things in the bathroom where you only pull your pants down at little?”
Omar: Yeah, someone at school had put all the white things that fit on the cakes and all the cakes on the floor beside them.
I asked him if the cakes where pink, he said they were blue Dave. He also said that if everyone pees in the same place, you can make a hole in it, the cake melts.
My summary: Dave you are very much in touch with your inner little Dave. Thanks for making broccoli and cauliflower cool in our house. From now on, he will, certainly think of brains and aliens while eating these veggies – what could be cooler than that?
Now, where are those hidden cameras???
Came back to read about Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore. Now I totally get your point and the idea of deep frying his head, I support this too.
Wow. Double-Fuck Jared? Maybe when he was bigger. I think you could just fuck him once now and be done with it.
Ohhhh, Subway. You stir in me such mixed emotions.
One of the first jobs I had in high school was at a poorly managed Subway. I quit the first day.
In my neighborhood, there are Subways on every corner, including the one at the end of my street. Which is a pretty nice deal, since I work from home. But the service is AWFUL. Every Subway in my hood seems to be owned by someone who has employed their entire family, all of whom barely speak English and don’t pay a whole lot of attention to what they are doing. (I say this not to put down non-English speakers, but you can understand how this complicates matters when you are trying to place an order and you & the order-taker are on separate sides of the language barrier–there’s a lot of pointing at ingredients and waving of hands)
And then there’s the veggie sub, or condiment sandwich as it were. A group of friends and I are doing a 30-day challenge right now, and mine was 30 days of vegetarianism. A veggie sub on wheat with pepper jack cheese, heaps of giardeneira, oil & vinegar & seasoning is quickly becoming my late night crave. Plus, damn, I am such a sucker for Subway bread.
Stupid Jared. Stupid Subway. (shakes fist)
Huh. I wonder if the giant alient cauliflowers represent anything to your subconscious, Dave.
That is so funny….I saw that commercial and thought of you! And amen, I can go to BK and get a grilled chicken sandwich and water and still live up to that standard that King Tool sets 😉
Adena… I’m not in therapy. Perhaps I should be? 🙂
Kentucky Girl… Now see, that’s actually a GOOD excuse to hate Subway. I only hate them because they have that complete and total dickwad as a spokesman. 😀
Kyle… It’s the meat. Try ordering a Frosty with French fries!
Frances… Well, at the moment, I had a gun and thought that would take care of the problem. If you could see my reaction in the next panel, I will be freaking out when I realize that the cauliflower is bullet-proof!
Avitable… What amazes me is the sheer VOLUME of material he has in his act. It’s not just a dozen stories or something, it’s HUNDREDS of little quips and anecdotes. I have no idea how he keeps it all straight in his head.
Tracy Lynn… Well that DOES explain a lot. I can’t stand cabbage and brussel sprouts either! You learn something new every day…
Laurence… I hope you don’t have nightmares too. 🙂
Bec… A movie like that would have to be animated. Hmmm… that’s a pretty sweet idea, actually!
Nancycle… What’s disturbing here is that Omar seems to have a better knowledge of urinal cakes than I do! Probably because I am so afraid of them when they’re pink? I sure wish I could get over my fear of eating cauliflower though… I hear it’s good for you or something like that. SOMEBODY needs to deep-fat-fry Jared’s head! 🙂
Hot Coffee Girl… I don’t think you can do it ENOUGH to that piece of shit dumbass. I never thought it would be possible for me to loathe anybody more than David Caruso, Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, Anne Coulter, and Judge Judy… but there’s Jared! The asshole. 😛
Diane… You should try Quizno’s! I like them MUCH better than Subway… except they are so expensive that I cannot eat there very often. 🙁
Mark… Yes. Brains. I think brains are very scary.
Hilly… Of course, then you have to deal with that scary Burger King plastic man who is THEIR spokesman. In some ways, I think he is more scary than even cauliflower!
When I’m feeling carnivorous, I do love a turkey/bacon/guac or a beef dip @ Quizno’s. But I find their vegetarian sub reallly disappointing for some reason. And, as you point out, they’re much pricier. Also, Quizno’s is not at the end of my street like Subway. Plus that stupid talking baby they have in their ads now might cause my blood to boil *almost* as much as Jared.
Damn you Quizno’s! (shakes fist)
I fear both cauliflower and farts. Jared? Not so much.
A 26 kilo head of fat is a lot of head and a lot of fat. Didn’t that idiot kid in the “show me the MONEY” movie say a brain only weighed three pounds?
Don’t insult meatballs like that, you bastard!
Dave, so conservative Christians don’t scare you then?