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Crunchy

Posted on Thursday, June 22nd, 2006

Dave!I was all excited about Betty White being on Gameshow Maraton tonight, but it was for naught. Sure she was there and was totally cool and everything... but too much time was spent on all the other lame celebrities. This was not a good thing, because D-list "star contestants" Lance Bass and Kathy Najimy were positively stupid in their answers. And Ricki Lake was no Gene Rayburn, that's for sure.

Such a pity, as I was so looking forward to the show after yet another grueling day of work.

Fortunately, good TV news was to be found: Comedy Central has ordered THIRTEEN NEW EPISODES OF FUTURAMA!!

Futurama Dave

Easily my favorite animated series of all time, Futurama is far more clever and brilliant than we deserve (which is probably why it was cancelled). About the only cartoon character I love more than Bender would be Curious George, so you know this is a seriously big deal for me.

In other news, I have a new best friend...

Crunch Master

These little crackers are called "Crunch Master". At first I was dubious because I found it seriously hard to believe that any chip could possibly out-crunch a Doritos corn chip. Crunch MASTER? Bitch, please. But I do love me the rice cracker, so I decided to give them a try.

Holy shit!

These people do not lie! They are indeed the Crunch F#@%ing Master!!

In fact, the only way these crackers could be any MORE crunchy would be if they were made out of GLASS. Yes, I kid you not, they are indeed that crunchy! They are so crunchy that if you listen really closely, you can probably hear me crunching on them... even if you are in a different time zone. They are so crispy that I dare say you could use shards of Crunch Master crackers to cut through steel. It would not surprise me to find out that Crunch Master crackers are prohibited on airplanes by Homeland Security for fear somebody could break one in half and take over the plane.

Crunch Master crackers kick serious ass.

I am hopelessly addicted to them now (especially the cheese variety). I eat them constantly. In fact, when I am not eating Crunch Master crackers, I am sad. I need to devise some kind of automated feeding mechanism so that I can be force-fed a constant supply to my mouth and be happy all the time. But there would have to be a "pause button" so that I could temporarily suspend feeding while talking on the phone. Because talking with your mouth full of crunchy crackers would just be rude.

The good news is that they are practically calorie-free. That's because there's nothing in them. There's so much crunch that there's not room for anything else.

I have to stop blogging now so I can eat another bag of Crunch Master BEFORE bedtime. I don't dare eat these crackers IN bed, because the crumbs would probably cut me up and cause me to bleed to death in the middle of the night. Hey, there's a cool new advertising slogan! Crunch Master: so crunchy they could kill you to death!

Now that's a totally bad-ass cracker.


Categories: Dave Approved, Food 2006, Television 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. adena says:

    I’m not sure that comparing a cracker to a dangerous weapon is such a good selling point…

    Unless, of course, you were…you know….

    INSANE!!! :)

  2. Dave2 says:

    Or you just really like a death-defying crunch in your crackers. :-)

  3. Chanakin says:

    But her “I did not say that, because I have class” comment made sitting through the show worth it.

  4. Dave2 says:

    Betty was awesome, was she not? She even got that “Purple Rain” question right for the big money!!

  5. Erin says:

    I’m grossed out by the mere thought of crackers after my incident today. I found a piece of something furry in my Triscuit, and GOD, I can’t stop gagging. Blegh!

    Maybe I’ll get back on the cracker wagon afer a few years and try the Crunch Masters – deadly delicious is tough to beat.

  6. James says:

    I hate to break it to you Dave, but I know you. You’ll get tired of them. You said so yourself on May 4th. Maybe some butter would help.

  7. Charred says:

    YAY Futurama!

    I likes those crackers too. Those white boys make me laugh…
    What?!
    I mean, they’re really good.

  8. Karl says:

    Crunch Master. Even the name is bad ass. By the way, I just received my sampler box of 12 assorted Pirate’s Booty snacks in the mail! Veronica Mars, Pirates Booty, Crunch Master. I’d like to study under you, Sensei. When do I get my Dave belt?

  9. Laurence says:

    Dave, I do not know what say today…
    I did not see the marathon, I do not know crunch master, Futurama is not diffused anymore in France.
    On the other hand, when I was younger, “Golden Girls” were diffused the morning, during the summer, in VO subtitled. And I liked watch this series.

  10. karla says:

    Crunch master = death.

    I inherited, from my Mom, Supersonic Hearing. This means that I can hear someone smacking, chewing or making nasty eaty noises 1000 feet away. I grew up with a mother who told us all to “stop grunting dammit!” and the belief that my father has “thin cheeks” because of the loudness of his chewing.

    If Crunch Master is indeed, that loud, somebody in my house would die, killed by either my mother or me for the major infraction of “grunting” and having “thin cheeks”. By the way, the noisy chewers are invariably males.

    Don’t judge me, I already know i am a freak.

  11. EDDIE says:

    We do have cracker called Cruch Munch here. It’s rice cracker. Round, bite size. Sometime it’s hollow inside or it’s filled with nuts.

  12. Mooselet says:

    Dammit, another snack I miss out on. Must have my mother bring me some when she visits in a few months.

    My 11 year old loves Futurama, but so many jokes go right over his head.

  13. Mocha says:

    Yet, I’d love to see how the two are when you add butter.

    You will add butter, won’t you, Dave?

  14. Avitable says:

    Simpsons seasons 4-8 are far superior to Futurama. I mean, Futurama is good, but it’s not the best. And that’s not opinion. That’s fact. Yup.

  15. jali says:

    Now I gotta go find some crunchmasters. Another weekend chore. Thanks so much.

    Charred is the funniest.

  16. *lynne* says:

    ooooh! really? new futurama??!!! cooooooooooool!

    and keep those crunch master things away from me – i LURVE crunchy junk food! (and yes, crackers are junk in my book, teeheehee!)

  17. Jeff says:

    So, I’m guessing you wouldn’t kick Liz Hurley out for eating Crunch Master crackers in bed?

    I know – dumb question, sorry.

  18. Kevin says:

    Are Crunch Masters readily available or is this some sort of regional Washington thing?

  19. Charred says:

    Yay me, gettin my avatar back!

  20. ChillyWilly says:

    That warm feeling Bender is getting with Dave hugging him is from the large quantity of alcohol in his system.

    I have all of the Futurama DVD sets and they are incredible. Love the show.

    Favorite all time episode: The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz, where Bender dresses up like a penguin and is their leader.

  21. Troy says:

    Betty White was great (I wish she was my grandmother).

    Ricki Lake as a gameshow host really really really sucks.

    Futurama coming back for a half season is awesome. I’m so ‘appy!!! I can’t wait. Hopefully someone will pick it up in Canada (since we don’t get Comedy Central). Stupid FOX, Comedy Central will show you how to do show scheduling properly!!!

  22. Susan says:

    I can see the headlines in my fair city: “Schools ban Crunch Masters due to parents’ fears that children may suffer lunch-room injuries!”

    I should have known you liked Curious George. Isn’t it a shame he isn’t real? Sometimes when I’m in a bookstore I go to the kiddie books and open up George’s little ABC book… but at least I don’t walk around babbling into a bluetooth headset.

  23. ChicagoDave says:

    One more reason to consider making that move to Chicago…Crunch Master is from the Chicago/Rockford area (Loves Park)…and I’m *sure* they’re even crunchier when you pick them up right from the factory…

  24. Eve says:

    Just the name alone “Crunch Master!!!!!” makes me want to try them out. Are they safe for me to try?

    And yeah, Futurama!!!!!!!

  25. ms. sizzle says:

    bad ass cracker. ha ha.

    you’re so funny dave.

  26. Dave2 says:

    Nobody else got that, Ms. Sizzle. We are scarily in sync here. :-)

  27. Alexis says:

    Crikey, where’d you get those crackers? I Googled ’em and found mention of a cinnamon sugar flavored CrunchMaster snack, which I am now on a Holy Mission to obtain.

    Oh, and I got my kick ass shirts in the mail yesterday! They’re fabulous! I just wish you had a “customer action shots” page like they have at ThinkGeek, so I had an excuse for this overwhelming urge to send pictures of my oh-so-happy self in my fab new shirt. :-)

  28. Jon says:

    Great. Now I have to find myself some of those *&%#ing crackers…

    Oh, and I got my T shirts today. Is it sad that this is the best thing to happen to me all week? Anyway, the shirts are great and you rule.

  29. Bec says:

    New Futurama? Oh, you make me so happy! Have just run into living room and told room full of peopl the news and now they are all happy too… Spreading the joy, Dave Style!

  30. jodi says:

    dave, i thought of you today because i had a conversation about season one of Veronica Mars with a friend, while eating lunch at Johnny Rockets.

  31. adena says:

    Your shirt is a hit! I wore it around town today, and got scads of comments about how great it was!

  32. Belinda says:

    And they are making us wait until FREAKING 2008??!!?? What the–? First the teasing from Adult Swim about a feature-length Futurama product…was that a fever-dream?

  33. Deb_LA says:

    Calorie free because of all that crunch??? That is a lovely pipe dream, now you must excuse me whilst I hunt down these crackers. Hey, it COULD be true

  34. claire says:

    More Futurama? Sweet! Reading that totally made me happy. Now go get Bender a beer.

  35. andi says:

    Thanks for the Futurama good news! Also here’s two other products you might want to check out if you like rice crackers, (Almond) Nut Thins and Snofrisk. The latter is a Norwegian goat cream cheese spread that has always been a big hit at parties. I don’t know how easy they both are to get in the States since I live in Canada but they are delicious if you can find them. They go well together too!

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