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Popcorn

Posted on Monday, October 23rd, 2006

Dave!"Won't come back from Dead Man's Corn! ♫

Today I was at the grocery store about to pick up a box of "Orville Redenbacher's Movie Theater Butter Microwave Popping Corn" when I started freaking out because I suddenly realized that Orville Redenbacher is dead. D-E-A-D dead! I would be buying dead man's corn, and was not sure if that was something I wanted to be sticking in my mouth. Snacks loaded with fat and cholesterol, on the other hand, I have no problem with at all.

And then I started seeing dead people everywhere... Betty Crocker... Chef Boyardee... even that Sun-Maid Raisin Girl would be about 100 years old now, so she's probably dead too.

Granted, Orville Redenbacher always looked half-dead (and a little evil?) anyway, but Betty Crocker and the Sun-Maid Girl are HOT! I haven't made up my mind about Chef Boyardee, but I think he's kind of hot too...

Dead Food Icons

I don't know about Mr. Clean, The Morton Salt Girl, and the Gorton Fisherman because I try not to clean with harsh chemicals, avoid added sodium in my high-sodium butter-popcorn diet, and don't eat fish.

Back to my quest for excellence in popcorn, raisins, canned pasta, and cake mix... I have no doubt that while these people were alive, they gainfully supervised over their respective foods with dedication and care. That's how they became famous icons with popular products. But what about now that they're gone? Who's minding the store?

Just to be safe, I passed over Orville Redenbacher and went for Pop Secret brand popping corn.

Only to find out that it is made by Betty Crocker. Or, to be accurate, somebody POSING as the deceased Mrs. Crocker.

So then I put that box back and decided to grab a box of Act II EXTREME BUTTER popping corn.

Only to realize that Act II is a brand in the ConAgra Foods stable of products... which also includes Chef Boyardee and Orville Redenbacher foods. MORE DEAD PEOPLE!

WTF?!? So I put back the Act II (which was kind of sad, because EXTREME BUTTER looked pretty tasty) and decided to go with Jolly Time brand popcorn. It sounds like a very happy popcorn to eat, and I can find no trace of dead people on the box. Except buying this brand is really difficult because there are like... fifty different kinds of buttery popcorn they sell...

Jiffy Pop

  • Better Butter. Sounds like bragging, and sets me up for disappointment.
  • Blast O Butter. Sounds scary and dangerous. I don't want a "blast" in my microwave.
  • Healthy Pop Butter. From past experience, "healthy" = "crappy".
  • White-n-Buttery. Sounds racist and vaguely naughty.
  • Blast O Butter Light. From past experience, "light" = "shitty".
  • ButterLicious. Buttery + Delicious = Butterlicious! And it's made with REAL butter! SOLD!!

When did shopping for popcorn get to be so much work?

From now on I'm buying generic SafeWay brand foods. It's dead-free, and "safe" is in the name!


Categories: Food 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Mooselet says:

    I wonder who made Jiffy Pop, and if they still make it. So sad when those we love pass on.

  2. adena says:

    Methinks you’ve eaten too many food colorings tonight….

    However, I buy that Jolly Time stuff, cuz it’s always like 98 cents per box…

    The White N Buttery isn’t bad…racist, or not. :)

  3. ChillyWilly says:

    I’ve had the Butter-licious before and it’s really good. Of course it helps if you love all things butter.

    The Blast-O-Butter isn’t all that good, despite it’s name.

    I’ve never understood why there are now so many variations on some a simple product. I can see 3, maybe 4 different kinds. But in the end, it’s popcorn and it should include butter.

  4. James says:

    With working at a movie theater, I’m spoiled with the fact I never each microwave popcorn. Every weekend I can have as much as I want of the real thing. You’d think I’d get sick of it…but 5 hours into a shift and you’ve nothing else to eat, it’s like a drug.

    By the way, have you gotten Firefox 2.0 yet? It’s pretty sweet, and having it spell check every word is nifty.

  5. James says:

    Firefox 3.0 better have grammar check also.

    I never eat* microwave popcorn.

  6. diane says:

    Wow, your lust for brunettes (and apparently old chefs) knows no boundaries. Perhaps you could sketch out a Lil’ Dave cartoon where he gets some action with Sunmaid Girl & Betty Crocker? Ohh, and you could throw in the Land-o-Lakes lady for some multicultural pizazz!
    Thank god for your blog and all your interesting commenters, as I am now going on night 3 of the wild insomnia ride…maybe you could blog me a lullaby tomorrow? ;)

  7. Kapha says:

    Haven’t you noticed yet that *everything* has a minimum of six varieties and sometimes as many as six*teen*?

    Seriously: even DENTAL FLOSS.

    I keep waiting for Flavored Floss. Then there’ll be Buttery Light Floss and Caramel Floss and Aspartame-Packed Sugar-Free Caramel Floss…

    I have been into health food for years and was pleased to discover YAYA’s cheddar popped corn in a bag the other day (it’s pre-popped). Dang, it’s GOOD! None of those evil trans fats or even the need for messing with a microwave. Only drawback is the popcorn variety has lots o’ hulls – so we’re looking for a white popcorn version. Very convenient to not even have to pop it. :)

  8. serap says:

    A quick search on google, and I found out that…

    ‘Safeway as we know it was launched in 1926 when grocer M.B. Skaggs combined his 428 Skaggs Stores with 322 Southern California markets owned by Sam Seelig’.

    I have a feeling that Mr Skaggs and Mr Seelig may also have passed away, or at the very least retired. Food is made by dead people, I think you just need to accept this.

  9. ~jtm says:

    watch out for some of those extreme butter kinds, they smell rancid when they are zapped. We usually get plain old popcorn and add our own butter, real butter…mmmmmm

  10. delite says:

    Now if you want good popcorn you need to try this.

    I’m not sure if he’s dead tho’ pfft!

  11. Avitable says:

    Every box of Redenbacher popcorn has some of his ashes mixed in with the kernels.

  12. Jeff says:

    Knowing how much you love butter, you may want to reconsider the risk to your microwave. According to this butter meter on their website, BlastOButter ranks at “5” while Butter-Licious only gets a “4”.

    I mean, how can you argue with a butter meter?

  13. Kevin says:

    Does the Sunmaid Raisin girl remind you a bit of Anne Hathaway? Total hotness.

  14. diane says:

    You want to talk total hotness, Kevin?
    Dig it.
    (partial to Latetia Casta b/c My Celebrity Lookalike tagged me to resemble her, which was a wholly ridiculous and flattering compliment)

  15. ms. sizzle says:

    butterlicious popcorn? did crazy by beyonce start playing when you picked up that box?

  16. Rick says:

    Been to KFC lately? The Colonel is either dead or very, very OLD.

  17. Dave2 says:

    Mooselet… Probably Mr. Reginald Jiffy. He’s undoubtedly dead, but at least his name isn’t on the box to freak me out.

    Adena… Wow… THIS Jolly Time wasn’t no 98 cents! Where do you shop?

    ChillyWilly… I like that it has REAL butter in it. Before Dead Orville freaked me out, my favorite was the Theater Butter that was under his name. Congealed butter goo. So very tasty.

    James… For pre-popped, I’m enamoured with a local brand here called “Erin’s Buttered Popcorn” which isn’t hot… but so very delicious. I have not downloaded FireFox 2.0 yet… but will get to it eventually. Macs have universal spell-check everywhere, so I’m good to go there. In fact, my Mac caught six spelling errors in this reply to you! Love me the Mac. I’d each it if I could. :-)

    Diane… A Lil’ Dave “love sandwich” between Sun-Maid and Betty Crocker with a Land O’ Lakes Maiden appetizer? Sounds like a lawsuit! Are you trying to get me in more trouble than I already am in with the law? :-)

    Kapha… I use bubble gum flavored floss. It’s supposed to be for kids, but I buy it anyway. Have not heard of YaYa’s pop corn… though it sounds like you’d need butter-flavored dental floss after you eat it!

    Serap… Yes, but at least they don’t put dead Mr. Skaggs and dead Mr. Seelig on the box where I have to be freaked out by it! :-)

    JTM… Rancid? Well that’s not good. I haven’t popped my Butterlicious yet, but I hope it’s okay.

    Delite… Cousin Willy Corn?? But I don’t have a cousin Willy. Is he YOUR Cousin Willy?? it looks delicious, but I don’t know if I trust strange men claiming to be my cousin!

    Avitable… AHA!! IT’S JUST LIKE I THOUGHT!!

    Jeff… But Blast O Butter sounds dangerous. Maybe if I were to take my microwave outside to pop…

    Kevin… Uncanny. They should hire her as a spokeswoman, because the animated version is… strange… somehow. Hot but strange.

    Diane… Yes, I’d absolutely buy raisins from her!

    Ms. Sizzle… Hah. Hopefully that song won’t get stuck in my head now!

    Rick… I can’t eat anything at KFC except the biscuits. :-(

  18. Bre says:

    Those sun maid raisin commercials bug the crap out of me, but I can’t quite figure out why. Perhaps because she must be dead by now… yes, that must be it.

  19. karla says:

    I had some kettle corn once that was good…I don’t remember the brand. Half salt and sweet. Yummers.

    I actually prefer to make my own home popcorn now. (All those transfats are bad for you Dave!) Orville all the way, with lots of butter salt and some sugar. I got ruined on the sweet popcorn in England. They give you a choice there of salty or sweet, so I get both mixed, and it sort of rocks.

    But I would eat any popcorn, even if it was ass flavored. I lvoe popcorn that much.

  20. Bec says:

    Damn you, now I want popcorn and all they have in the local shop is Act II… and now all I’ll see is dead people… OOOOO, hang on, I have a bag of kernels and a pan! I’ll make fresh!!!!



    Too much hassle.
    I’ll get some tomorrow.

  21. Jeff says:

    Holy cow – I just noticed that BlastOButter is in fact so good that it is spewing “butter” out of the top it’s questionably-shaped meter! Weird.

  22. Miss Britt says:

    I just saw Mr. Clean on TV the other day! Like, not the cartoon guy in a commercial but a REAL Mr. Clean guy and the little “who the fuck is this?” tag said “Cleaning Icon” so it must have been him.

    Plus it was on fox’s news at noon – so you know it had to be real, and important.

  23. Laurence says:

    When I think that I only can choose savoury popcorn or sweet popcorn, that makes me sad ! :-(

  24. You could probably save yourself a ton of time by going to the grocery store with that kid from ‘The Sixth Sense.’

  25. Nick says:

    Did you know that Betty Crocker used to be a real person but in the late 90’s they decided that they needed to make her more politically correct. They did this by morphing together physical features from every race to create a computer generated woman that would be identifiable to every race.

  26. yellojkt says:

    I buy Boy Scout popcorn because it helps a good cause, but they even have six types of microwave corn.

  27. Roberta says:

    I’m a fan of Paul Newman popcorn. It is quite yummy and gives money to… someone who deserves it.
    Get it now, while he’s still living.

  28. nancycle says:

    The Scouts have the kids and parents schlepping popcorn now. I haven’t tried any yet…But I’m very much alive.

    How much can I sign you up for Dave?

    ;-)

  29. adena says:

    Winco…but, I doubt that your lil’ town has one…

  30. Lux Lisbon says:

    Kettle Corn is fan-fucking-tastic! And as far as I know no one was killed in bringing it’s sweet, swseet deliciousness to your local Safeway.

  31. Juli says:

    I’ve always had a warm, buttery spot in my heart for Orville. He’s a Hoosier. I am addicted to his Kettle Korn, even though I *hate* when words are played with like that. Corn, the word is Corn!

  32. Epona says:

    Laugh Out LOUD! It’s incredibly funny that you find Betty Crocker to be “HOT!” The reason being that the current version of Betty Crocker looks *EXACTLY* like my aunt Pam. I believe her hair is sort of different now, but at one time it was basically the same as Betty’s. Other than that, it’s as if the people behind Betty Crocker found a picture of my aunt and used it to be the new Betty.

    Which makes what Nick said sort of amusing because, as far as I know, my aunt isn’t any race but white. It also makes what Diane said about Little Dave having a threesome with Betty and the Sunmaid girl all the more disterbing… O_O

  33. Belinda says:

    A day late and a dollar short, as usual, but:

    ACT II Kettle Corn. Period.

  34. Wayne Hall says:

    Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth’s make the best syrup.

    Quaker makes the best oats.

    Uncle Ben’s rice.

    Even the rooster on the Corn Flakes box is probably dead.

    Why oh why!?!?!?!?!

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