James has tagged me with the "Three/Three Christmas Meme" where you have to list three things you would like for the holiday, and three things you wouldn't. I don't really celebrate Christmas, but that's not to say I would refuse a present from Santa if he were to give me something.
I've seen this meme around, and most of the time people are selflessly listing lovely things like "world peace" as an answer. As desirable as this might be, it's totally unrealistic. Instead of mucking about in fantasyland, I've instead decided to list things that are realistically obtainable.
So, without further ado, here are three things I would like for Christmas...
- My own television network and fifty billion dollars start-up capital... Nothing pisses me off more than television networks who end up with totally brilliant shows, but then cancel them because they are too f#@%ing stupid to know what to do with them. DaveTV would feature only the best programming with NO commercial interruptions, NO station identifiers in the corner of the screen, NO pop-up advertising, AND NO F#@%ING EARLY CANCELATIONS!! Every show creator would be guaranteed a minimum number of shows to tell their story, and viewers would never have to worry about falling in love with a show only to have it canceled before the story ends. The first thing I would do is offer Rob Thomas, Jeremy Piven, Paula Marshal, and Jeffrey D. Sams a million dollars an episode to bring back Cupid, the best show ever to air on television, as the cornerstone of DaveTV's schedule. Ooh! And Wonderfalls. And Dead Like Me. And... and... and...
- My own airline and a hundred billion dollars start-up capital... Okay, there is something that pisses me off more than television networks, and that would be airlines. Flying now-a-days is a horrifying ordeal with cramped seats and nothing to do. DaveAir would be totally different. You'd pay a little extra, but you'd have comfortable seats with actual leg-room. The schedule would be a little restrictive, but there would be free internet, movies, video games, and plenty of magazines. Flying with DaveAir is like a vacation before your vacation.
- My own country and a trillion dollars start-up capital... I would probably be happier if I could just take my television network and my airline and set up shop as king of my own country. That way, I could just make everything be exactly how I want it to be, and not have to worry about dumbasses screwing everything up. An island archipelago paradise with lots of beaches and sunshine would be a great location for Davenia.
And here are the three suck-ass things I would NOT want for Christmas...
- Any book by Ann Coulter.
- Any CD by Clay Aiken.
- Any DVD with an appearance by David Caruso.
And there you have it. I'd link to an Amazon wish-list so any billionaire readers who are feeling the holiday spirit could buy me something... but, alas, Amazon doesn't carry television networks, airlines, or countries.
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What do you mean you don’t really celebrate Christmas?!
Uh… it’s a Christian holiday…
i really loved dead like me. i mean. really really really loved that show. it’s end was a sad sad day in cable programming. i keep hearing all these dirty rumors that it’s coming back, on the wb or sci fi or something. i call bullshit on the lot of them, as jackshit has surfaced.
but we do have dexter to be thankful for. yes indeedy.
hope your night is filled with lovely eggnog (as mine has been) and broken promises. cheers.
the slightly intoxicated librarian in humidity infested florida
Hi, Dave!
If you ever get your own country, consider me your first citizen! What office would Bad Monkey run? Would you outlaw stupid drivers??
NewsRadio would be another good show to bring back. Dave Foley seems to be free these days.
T.L… Uhhh… broken promises? I wouldn’t mind a Dead Like Me movie or mini series to wrap up the show. There were too many lingering questions after the cancellation.
Jacob… Bad Monkey would be in charge of the Department of Alcohol and Firearms. Go with what you know, I always say…
Delmer… Loved News Radio, but after Phil Hartman died, I just couldn’t watch anymore. 🙁
This graphic is much better than your butt.
I’m with you on that Dead Like Me thing.
I would like to put in $5.00 towards your network, if only to see the incredible Wonderfalls again. Is Arrested Development on that list as well? If so, I’ll donate $20…
Will you be bringing back Arrested Development?
Steve Holt!
That’s the only problem with Buddhism – you don’t get any really cool holidays.
Happy Dave Day!
Well, I’m sure the Buddhist airline, Buddhist TV Station and Buddhist Throne would be celebration enough…
I don’t get the difference between it all honestly Dave.
We don’t go to mass, but we celebrate Christmas – in our own way. I hope you do to 🙂
Hairy Christian Ass To ALL!
🙂
Merry Christmas!
Just only those Three Things !!! Finally you are not difficult to satisfy !!! In any case, I want to go to the Daven Island for visiting the Dave’s Castle. That is cool !!! 😀
I don’t know Ann Coulter but I am agree with #2 and #3 things you would not for Christmas… 🙂
PS. I saw so many nonChristian family which celebrated Christmas that I concluded that the Father Christmas was just the manifestion of a consumerist phantasm… But maybe, I am wrong !!!
I would totally petition for citizenship to Davetopia. It would be worth it just for the TV.
Glad to see you aren’t mucking about in fantasyland. heh.
Happy (everyone else’s) Holidays!
Can the airlines be child-free? That’s be good enough for me. I don’t care if I have to stand up the whole time.
Shame. I ordered you the entire run of CSI: Miami on DVD. What to do…
You forgot Liz Hurley!
Heh. No. Liz Hurley I want every day of the year… not just for Christmas! 😛
our ‘do-not-want’ lists couldn’t possibly be any more similar.
Ummmm…helloooo. Firefly! How could that series NOT be part of your new DaveTV Channel, dude?
Best. Series. Ever.
And yeah, I know…I’m commenting late. So sue me.
Firefly would, of course, be on my network… along with fifty other amazing shows that come immediately to mind. That’s why I said “and… and…” – because there are just too many awesome shows that were cancelled before their time! 🙂
I may have asked you this before, but do you ever watch “Brilliant But Cancelled” on cable? They tend to run entire series in solid back-to-back blocks. I think it’s on A&E?
I would love to fly on that plane. And I’d never have to worry that they’d be showing “Mad Dog And Glory.”
And OMG, HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT SEARS IS TOTALLY RIPPING OFF BAD MONKEY??? File suit immediately.