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Posted on Wednesday, October 4th, 2006

Dave!Ooh look! I'm all better now. Well, mostly. I still have vision troubles, but at least the headaches and cold/flu symptoms have faded.

Until I open my email and find a lovely note from somebody with "I'M GOING TO SUE YOUR ASS" as the subject line. This is absolutely my favorite way to start the day, because being threatened with legal action is always such a great motivator first thing in the morning. "Hmmm..." I think to myself, "I wonder what I did this time?" Since I don't recognize the name, I'm guessing something in my blog has upset somebody. Having a blog is such a great way to meet new and interesting people!


1) Have somebody who doesn't like you sneak a photo of you wearing a Bluetooth mobile phone headset.

2) Have this blood-enemy search the internet for a cartoon which makes fun of people who wear Bluetooth mobile phone headsets in public.

3) Have this same person cut out part of the cartoon so they can insert a picture of YOU...

Bluetooth Headset Dick

4) Then have this person email everybody in the office with a cartoon which likens you to a large penis.

5) Find out about the cartoon, see that it was copyrighted by, then decide to fire off a nasty email threatening a lawsuit because this person you've never even met decided to humiliate you.

6) Get an email back from telling you that they have no idea what you are talking about, have no idea who you are, and have never even been to your city to take your picture.

7) After another furious exchange of emails, discover that people who post cartoons on the internet have no control over what other people do with them, then realize you'll have to find somebody else to sue.

8) Cry silently to yourself because you have nothing better to do than threaten complete strangers with baseless lawsuits.

Somebody remind me why I have a blog again?

Oh yeah! It's so I have a place to bitch about things that bother me!

Now that I'm feeling better, I finally managed to watch the second episode of Heroes, and boy does that show suck ass. It puzzles me greatly how so many critics are going ape-shit in love over this show when it pretty much blows. Just like "Odo," the shape-changing alien on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine that rarely changed shape... here we have super-powered people who rarely use their super powers. I guess special effects are still not cheap enough to do shows like this properly. I can only hope that they eventually get a budget and can have people with flying powers ACTUALLY BE FLYING AROUND AND SHIT. So far we've gotten one lame, SUPER-LAME "flying" shot in the first episode which looked so bad I could have filmed it in my back yard... then a "flying" shot in the second episode which wasn't even flying... it was more like floating. LOOK DUDE, I CAN FLOAT!! Bitch, please. Until you are willing to put the money into decent special effects to do the super-hero show right, don't waste my frickin' time...

Lame NBC Heroes

I also love how everybody else in the show conveniently has "powers" which don't require special effects. Notice that there isn't a "hero" who can shoot lightning bolts out of their ass... or a "hero" who can walk through walls... or a "hero" who can do ANYTHING even remotely interesting, because that would require actual visual effects, and we can't have that!

What I want to know is how come an episode of Bewitched which was made FORTY F#@%ING YEARS AGO... BEFORE THEY EVEN HAD COMPUTERS has more special effects shots than an episode of this lame-ass show. Screw this stupid crap. I'm done with "Heroes"... so somebody please let me know if they ever get the balls to actually SHOW super-powers instead of just talk about them for an hour.

Thank heavens for Veronica Mars, a detective who ACTUALLY DOES DETECTIVE STUFF in every episode!! Imagine that!

Categories: Blogging 2006, Television 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. Kyra says:

    Glad you are feeling better! Sorry about the internet idiot.

    Heroes- I’m thinking that they’re going for the “Building of suspense” type stuff. I’m going to give it another week, and then we’ll see. Kinda not into the sawed off heads and stuff though. That was pretty nasty. Blah.

  2. shannon says:

    I hear you about Heroes. After a sucky first episode, I was willing to give it another chance. First episodes of new shows are allowed to suck a bit, and this show had been getting such rave reviews, I figured maybe it would have to grow on me. Well, so far, there’s no growth at all. Aside from the special effects or lack thereof, the acting really blows. The cheerleaders father is trying to sell himself off as a “bad guy” but he’s just ridiculous. And the flying politician brother is even worse. I would much rather talk about VM’s premiere last night! Thank God it’s back.

  3. nancycle says:

    Cheap bastards.

    They do the same thing with the Superman series. Tripe. Pansies.

    I miss The Bionic man/woman. Not sure how to write the sound effect, but you can hear it eh? You were guarenteed a money shot ever episode. Ah, yes, so gratifying. Low budget, yes, creative and effective, absolutely. Frigin’ I Dream of Genie even gave you more bang for you buck…

    OK, off I go to nurse my cold and continue to laugh to myself about what that dick graphic would look like if you had been a woman Dave.

  4. Avitable says:

    I haven’t watched the second episode of Heroes yet, but I don’t mind the slow burn, as long as there is a payoff.

  5. Jeff says:

    The least that guy could do was send you the picture of the guy he was making fun of. Then you could post that and really give him something to sue you about!

  6. kapgar says:

    Glad you’re feeling better. I still have to watch the second episode of Heroes, but I’m with Kyra… I’m sure it’s a slow-build sort of situation as people discover how to use these powers. I hope.

  7. Troy says:

    I’m actually enjoying Heroes. Like Avitable said they are likely building the characters, so you get to know them, before focusing on their powers. Plus as you said it probably costs a crap load of money to have amazing special effects in each episode. I know one show that had that and went under – Enterprise (though I realize people weren’t watching it but from what I heard each episode was over a million dollars to make).

    Anyways. Just my two cents.

  8. Eve says:

    People are always trying to sue you, aren’t they?

    I have a feeling that Heroes is trying to build suspense and that it WILL get better. Maybe they didn’t want to bombard us with a special-effects opening that would set a presidence for THAT thing, and if they don’t have the budget yet (they might have to “prove themselves” to the network first), they have to space that stuff out for now. But I get your point, for sure.

    And yeah, let’s talk about that premiere of Veronica Mars — lovin’ it!!! Although, not too happy that they did a “take it down” version of the theme song. Screw that.

  9. Bre says:

    What idiots. I’m threatened with a lawsuit every time I punish Joe College Student for boozing in the dorms, I’ve become a bit numb to it… which is probably less than good.

    I adored VM last night, but I kept obsessing over the size of the rooms they’re living in. After the 8th time I IMed my sister to say “That’s so unrealistic!” she told me to shut the heck up and suspend my disbelief. Sigh.

  10. kilax says:

    I was wondering whether “Heroes” was going to be any good. I kept seeing previews for it in the theater, but I don’t have a tv at home. Thanks for letting me know how LAMEO it is/

  11. Pauly D says:

    Man, I have thoughts on all of this. Big thoughts.

    A lot of the shows I was looking forward to watching (and whose pilots were good) have already started to bore me. I weep for Studio 60 because it’s far more a political show than what it was supposed to be. Oh, how I long for the days of Sports Night. Then Heroes is also an enigma. I thought the pilot was decent but this second episode, as you say, is um…not too good. They’ve always got someone who can fly and someone who can read minds and someone who is invincible and someone who can see the future…

    I want to see someone who can change their scent! That would rock.

    As for the shows that ARE good — I must say that I am (reluctantly) looking forward to Lost to see how few answers they give us, and BSG simply because it’s the best show on TV. Ugly Betty isn’t half bad either.

    But I’ll let you in on a secret. For the most part it ain’t the writers messing up these shows…it’s the powers-that-be. Decisions that are made based on budget, trends, casting and competition. Sad, but true.

  12. Dave2 says:

    I agree that Studio 60 is trying too hard to be serious political commentary and has somehow forgotten that the show is supposed to be a comedy. Certain bits are astoundingly good… but overall I don’t feel I am being entertained. It’s almost like the show is 30 minutes long, but trapped in a 60 minute time slot.

    As you mention, look what they did with Sports Night, which I would often have to watch two and three times because it was either too fast or I was laughing to hard to hear it! I never get that feeling with Studio 60.

    You should get a job writing on Heroes because the super-power to change scent is just as exciting as any other power shown on the show. In fact, if the series gets a second season, I’d say that “Change Scent Man” is an excellent bet for a new character.

    I gave up on Lost last season around the episode where Locke and Matthew Fox fought over pushing a frickin’ button for like TEN MINUTES. Nothing ever gets resolved on that show so we can move on to something new, exciting, and different. It’s just continuous re-treads of old material. If they actually bother to tie something up and move on this season, be sure to let me know!

    You are not the only one who is looking forward to Battlestar Galactica!! Here is a show (ON AN INDEPENDENT NETWORK FOR F#@%’S SAKE) that knows how to keep things moving and changing so the audience isn’t bored. It’s the exact opposite of Lost in just about every way. Who saw the season finale coming? NOBODY. Brilliant writing. Brilliant acting. Brilliant effects. I’d say it’s my third favorite show after Veronica and The Unit right now.

    I must say that Ugly Betty was a total revelation. It was not at all what I expected, and the elements of mystery were a happy surprise. I am hopeful that it keeps up the promise of the first episode, because we need more smart shows like this on television.

    Sadly, I am painfully aware of the fact that writers are often not responsible for how things turn out. If that weren’t the case, the face of television would be drastically different. BSG is a good example… SciFi Network wanted to push the envelope and were actively involved in making it a success… other networks and decision-makers just get in the way. It’s sad, and our entertainment suffers because of it.

    I wonder how that compares to what we get out of the BBC across the Atlantic?

  13. Dave2 says:

    Kyra… That’s great and all, but if people lose interest in the first shows and stop watching (like me) all the suspenseful build-up is for NOTHING because you’ll be cancelled before you get to the pay-off. The reason they put sawed off heads in the show is because it’s cheap to recycle this crap from an episode of CSI and get buzz than to actually spend money. So very sad.

    Shannon… And that’s what I’m talking about. Without the super-powered special effects, the show is BORING BORING BORING!

    Nancycle… Again, I think that the special effects in the Six Million Dollar Man were BETTER than any of the lame crap we’re getting in Heroes… it’s pathetic!

    Avitable… Assuming they aren’t canceled because of plunging ratings and bored readers who don’t feel like waiting around for the payoff. 🙂

    Jeff… The guy who wrote me WAS the guy they were making fun of and he DID include the cartoon. A shame I’m not a total ass, because it is actually funnier than my original!

    Kapgar… Hope springs eternal. Lost has been cruising on the same crap for two seasons and there has yet to be a payoff, so I don’t share your optimism. 🙁

    Troy… If Enterprise cost a million an episode, I am dying to know where THAT money went. The show was painfully… excrutiatingly… boring. An entire episode with Trip and T’Pol in a decontamination chamber? WTF??

    Eve… Let me know if you’re right and they actually start improving Heroes with, ahem, “heroic stuff” – because I’m done. There is no way I am flushing another hour of my life down the toilet why I wait for them to get their crap together. I totally agree on the new opening credits for Veronica Mars… why? Why? Why? The song is not as catchy, the credits are hard to read, and I’m not nearly as interested in watching them as I did for the past two years where I NEVER fast-forward through the credits!

    Bre… It’s the American way… threaten to sue first, ask questions later! “Stupid” doesn’t even begin to cover it from where I am sitting. I wish there was a punishment for bringing frivolous lawsuits into court, because suing should not be a method of income.

    Kilax… Unless something changes drastically, I’d avoid it at all costs. Boring. Boring. Boring!

  14. Miss Britt says:

    Note to self: you’re not a real blogger until someone threatens to sue you. Even if it is baseless.

    Now… what can I do today to piss someone off…

  15. Neil says:

    I don’t think you understand what superpowers are all about. Sometime just having the superpowers is enough to give you self-esteem. You don’t really have to “show it off” all the time. The only one you need to impress is yourself. You know how to ride a bicycle, but do you do it every day?

  16. ms. sizzle says:

    why don’t people get lives? or at least, go get their own blogs so they can bitch on them. i mean, isn’t that the true meaning of blogging? if not, i’m in trouble!

    bitch, please.

    that part made me laugh. hee hee.

  17. ~jtm says:

    We are still giving Heroes the benefit of the doubt…although in last night’s show I found myself drifting off….gotta love the rewind on the dvr.
    I wanna give Ugly Betty a try, on your rec, but it’s on opposite Survivor and Earl/The Office and we don’t have enough recording devices to catch all 3 (I’ll be at work)…so Betty might have to wait for re-runs…

    ~glad you are feeling better :o)

  18. Mike says:


    Well, I must say: I really liked the pace of the first episode, and I was a little nervous about the idea that they were going to introduce more characters.

    Now after watching the second episode, I must say that I’m ready to sue your @$$, Dave. Obviously someone read my comment on your Blog and misinterpreted it to the point were the second episode slowed to a crawl and they introduced only one more character while basically repeating most of the first episode. I’m thinking I should get some money for that. 🙂

    A word on powers:

    I find it strange that each character seems to have only one power. I mean, how cool could flying be if you can still be killed by a shotgun blast? You’re not a Super-Hero, you’re a duck.

    You can hear *some* people’s thoughts but you’re not smart enough to know that you’re not supposed to repeat these things because it might make you a prime suspect in a case. Nevermind that you’re a cop and that you’re supposed to be aware of those things.

    I really enjoyed the “Teleport” power: You can teleport where you want, but not in real time – or so it seems. See me I’d like to teleport just to beat rush hour traffic, so this version is sorta pointless. 🙂

    I know it’s called “Heroes” and not “Super-Heroes”, so maybe i’m expecting too much…

    I stopped watching Lost long long time ago, when I realized that there was no payoff coming anytime soon. I really hope they don’t mess up Heroes that way. To me it has a “unbreakable” quality up to now (even the website has a “are you a hero” quiz on it. Remember the unbeakable website? It too had a “are you unbreakable” quiz on it) and I’m willing to give it a few more weeks. Plus with the PVR, I can watch the show when I can’t sleep at night.

    All right, enough ranting. Glad to read you’re feeling better.

  19. kara says:

    they must have put something in the crazy trolls club punch bowl this week. My troll was threatening to fire bomb my house and sue me and file a claim with the FCC against me for outing her…. she must have realized that having one’s boorish behavior deagged into the light of day isn’t illegal, just embarrasing, because she’s backed off for the moment. The embarrasment is what makes people nutso. Love your site. Sorry about your headaches.

  20. Hilly says:

    I want to go on record stating that I love the penis pic…now if you could make one with a penis driving an SUV that would be perfect.

    The best part of Heroes is the Japanese guy….at least his ass has done something fun. I love me some Veronica though and cannot wait to see what those boys….I mean people on LOST are up to!

  21. Wow, do I need to catch up. It’s tilde points for this post. Here goes:

    ~Am giving Heroes one more week since I remembered how much I loved Adrian Pasdar in ‘Profit’, which was cancelled too soon.

    ~My DVR jacked up so I missed the Ugly Betty premiere but am anxious to see the second episode.

    ~Studio 60 can officially kiss my butt for all the above reasons, plus the fact that they used Oklahoma City as one of the cities that pulled the show over the sketch. We are a grown up city now, and Aaron Sorkin will treat us like one simply by virtue of my boycott.

    ~Am still not watching VM, but did buy the first season on DVD and am convinced I will soon be hooked.

    ~’Bitch, please’…methinks SOMEONE has watched a wee bit too much Project Runway. Oh well, make it work.

  22. Laurence says:

    Dave… Confidence :
    The Bluetooth entry is my favorite.
    I really laught a lot.

    And Bewitched was great !

    “Somebody remind me why I have a blog again?”
    Yeah, of course… You have a blog for meeting ME ! Everyone knows that I am the best !!! What ? I am egocentric. But everyone knows that egocentrism and France is a pleonasm 😀
    Seriously, your blog reflects the society. And the proportion of idiots in the society is more important that the proportion of clever persons. So like the real life, you used a series of selection procedures to sift out the best bloggers !!!

  23. Jon says:

    I think that people who threaten baseless lawsuits should be subject to tort liability for intentional infliction of emotional distress. (Yeah, let’s cure our litigiousness with the threat of even MORE litigation!)

    I agree that Heroes sucks balls. The premise seemed interesting enough to give it two episodes, but I am now done with it.

    And I hate myself for continuing to watch Lost.

  24. See, I’m going to stop talking to idiots. I don’t have time in my life for them. I refuse. I rightly refuse to speak to people who are too stupid for words.

  25. yellojkt says:

    I knew from the word go that Heroes would be lame and avoided from the start. Thanks for confirming my prejudices. The big ratings made me nervous it was actually good. Greatest American Hero had real flying that was meant to look lame. And a very annoying theme song.

    Since you mentioned BSG, that show RAWKS!! I wrote a blogpost where I compare it to Voyager. I better go program my VCR so I don’t miss it.

  26. Charred says:

    Any more news on the “lawsuit?” ‘Cause I want to testify about how you did deliberately, with malice aforethought, draw the cartoon in question expressly for this first person you never knew existed to use in his campaign to lampoon the honor and defame the character of that other person you never knew existed.

    “Oh no! Someone photoshopped a drawing into a visual reference of me as a dickhead! I’d better sue!”


    Because a lawyer might see this, I’d better add a legal disclaimer:

    “No, I didn’t!”

  27. Belinda says:

    Ironic that your theme here is contextual content which lacks matching “effects.” Because, first? No Davetoon of your a** on trial. And also? NO DAVETOON OF LIGHTNING SHOOTING OUT OF YOUR A**.

    I was so sad.

  28. Wayne Hall says:

    I think it’s almost time to finish up the flash animation that contains the bluetool. Oh wait, I mean bluetooth tool.

    Whaddya say?

  29. James Bow says:

    I do have to call you on the “Deep Space Nine never used Odo’s shapeshifting abilities” comment. That was true for the early episodes, but that changed as the computer effects got better and the prices came down. I’m watching the third season finale as I type this, and right now Odo is going after another shapeshifter that’s trying to destroy a ship.

  30. Dave2 says:

    I stopped watching looooong before then. I think it was around the time that Odo lost his shapeshifting abilities which I thought was hysterical because he never used them in the first place! 🙂

  31. I’m liking Heroes even though it’s lacking (especially lacking in the area of special effects those few times they need it).

    Because normal people becoming heroes (and sometimes reluctant ones) is pretty cool. I wish they’d explore that more. Show me their lives.

    The lack of special effects are okay, I can use my imagination to fill in the blanks (and the bad parts). It’s like reading a comic you like but don’t like the artist that month…

    I did see an earlier version of this this summer, but it looked unfinished and I thought it would have been polished a lot more (but that didn’t happen).

    BUT I think this guy (the dad) who’s chasing them is going to get to be an old story-line pretty quick (and I bet the nuclear bomb is his fault).

    And what powers does “mirror girl” have. Psychotic killing sprees?

  32. Lee says:

    I have to be honest, all of you on this blog who are posting bad stuff about Heroes are just inexplicable, sad-ass boring old gits who are going to rot away at the computer. I mean, I was just looking for a photo when I came across this and the whole “now I hope you die so my secret is safe” sarcasm about your crappy blog is just as lame as you think this show is… Can’t you just get a life? Oh, and yeah, there is a guy who can walk through walls…

  33. Dave2 says:

    As opposed to inexplicable, sad-ass boring old gits like yourself who are compelled to comment on blogs they consider to be crappy? OVER A TELEVISION SHOW?!? Talk about a lamer desperately in need of a life…

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