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Posted on Wednesday, October 18th, 2006

Dave!Fun! On the way home from work I was nearly run over by a stupid bitch who thought that talking on her mobile phone was more important than watching the road. I almost wish that she had, because having to come home and watch @%^#*!'s collection of complete crap win Project Runway had me praying for death.

This morning I received an email from a nice reader who has spent the last month reading Blogography ("a monthly archive every morning!"). After saying some very nice things that I am too modest to reprint (summary: I totally kick ass!), this reader asked a question I found quite interesting: "How did Bad Monkey lose all that weight?"

Because, if you look at the DaveToons over the years, it's quite a change...

Bad Monkey Diet

The answer can be found in Bad Monkey's new book...

Bad Monkey Diet Book

It turns out that Bad Monkey owes much of the success of his astounding weight loss to Jared Fogle.

Yes, that Jared Fogle... the Subway Sandwich whore.

But not in the way that you think.

You see, what Bad Monkey did was record all those stupid-ass Jared commercials, then mount a television and video player on top of his toilet tank. That way after every meal he could run to the bathroom, watch Subway commercials, and puke his guts out.

Because every time Jared comes out and compares an anemic Subway sandwich with NO mayonnaise and NO cheese to a Big Mac or something, I know it makes ME want to puke. It would be different if Jared were to simply say "I lost a lot of weight by eating right & exercising, and Subway was a part of that" — but he doesn't. Instead he comes out as a prostitute for Subway and and slams other restaurants like a whore. Why don't you compare a crappy Subway sandwich to a McDonalds salad? Or an Arby's Market Fresh sandwich with NO mayo and NO cheese? Or even a Quizno's sandwich with NO mayo and NO cheese?

What a f#@%ing tool.

And then the douchebag writes a "motivational self-help book." I haven't read it, but I sincerely doubt that it says "be a total whore by taking money to say whatever the company paying you tells you to say." Jared ate at Subway because he lived above a Subway restaurant. The fact that he decided to lose weight had nothing to do with Subway. It had everything to do with finally deciding to eat right. Because I can go into a Subway right now and order a sandwich with triple cheese and extra mayo just as easily as I can order one without.

I've taken some crap from people who think that I'm a dick for picking on somebody as "inspirational" as Jared. Well I think he's a dick for bashing other restaurants with nonsensical comparisons because somebody pays him to, and then acts like he's a hero by trotting out his old big-ass pants and telling people the key to losing weight is eating at Subway.

The only thing Jared inspires me to do is buy his book so I can wipe my ass with the pages.

Bad Monkey doesn't wipe or he would too.

WARNING... Project Runway season finale spoilerage in the comments...

Categories: DaveToons 2006, Food 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. nick sizzle says:

    i actually liked jeff’s collection…
    i thought it was cute…
    especially his model’s dress, with the zippers.

  2. serap says:

    Well thanks for clearing up who Jared the subway sandwich whore is. I’d spent this whole time thinking that a rent boy called Jared worked in your local subway. I was wondering what had gone on between the two of you that made you hate him so much.;-)

  3. Tony Peaker says:

    It takes a brave man to stand up to Jared. I’m glad someone finally said what we’ve all been thinking.

  4. RW says:

    I was a Michael fan, but Uli’s stuff was the best in the show last night. Jeffrey winning was just wrong.

    Proving that for two out of three years the show’s judges are idiots.

  5. Who knew potty cakes were such an effective appetite supressant?

    As for PR, I was hoping they would bring Daniel V back and proclaim him the winner since his collection was light years beyond the stuff that was shown this year. I will give Jeff credit for the zipper dress though. I would rock that in a second.

  6. Jenny says:

    Dave, isn’t it time you stopped protecting Bad Monkey? We’ve all noticed the dark circles under his eyes, the jittery personality, the lying and stealing. Bad Monkey is a meth addict, isn’t he?

  7. I don’t think that you’re a dick for picking on somebody as “inspirational” as Jared.

    For the urinal cake picture, maybe. But not for Jared bashing.

  8. ChillyWilly says:

    I eat at Subway, but loathe Jared and his crazy rise to fame. Let’s just say that I’m glad Subway has kept Jon Lovitz around.

    My fixings list for most Subway sandwiches I eat: HEAVY, HEAVY HEAVY mayo (if it’s not oozing out the sides, it’s not worth eating), pickles, banana peppers, spicy mustard, a touch of ranch, a touch of vinegar, salt and pepper, tomatoes, lettuce and olives and double cheese.

    While I’m sure I could stand to lose some cholesterol that the mayo provides, it’s the taste and the fact that my sandwich isn’t dry that makes it all worth it.

  9. Jeff says:

    Ha! Jared is a f#@%ing tool like a fox. You gotta give him credit for his ability to earn big $$$ by simply doing nothing but eating sandwiches. He should of wrote a book called “How I Got Rich Whoring Sandwiches” instead of a self-help book – but I doubt Subway would endorse that.

  10. Amity says:

    I second RW.

  11. Avitable says:

    You mean if I get a foot long meatball sub with mayonnaise, three chocolate chip cookies and a Coke at Subway, I’m not going to lose weight?

  12. Jared pisses me off, but so does Quizno’s. have you seen their new commercials? they compare a Subway sub to a Quizno’s sub, and the Quizno’s is a hell of a lot thicker and meatier, but really how can you compare the two when a Subway sub costs half as much as an overpriced Quizno’s sub?? that commercial makes me grumble every time.

  13. kapgar says:

    When does Lean Mean Bad Monkey start his Tour de Inspiracion across the States? He’s a model of good health and effective weight loss methods. He really should consider it if he hasn’t already.

  14. Laurence says:

    Jared, who ? And Subway sandwich, what ?

    Oh, Bad Monkey !!! He lost weight and now he makes money with a book…

    I suppose it is like Karl Lagerfeld and his diet and his diet’s book !!! (Karl Lagerfeld is Chanel’s designer).

    Karl Lagerfeld before. Karl Lagerfeld after.

  15. ms. sizzle says:

    i love it when you get all worked up like this. 😉

  16. Mark says:

    Dave, I honestly thought that your were picking on Jared the Subway whore, until you revealed that he wrote a book. A freaking book! What a douchebag.

  17. The Chad says:

    What on earth could that douche write a book about? Eating crappy subs that are 90% bread?

  18. Cavan says:

    So, Bad Monkey’s just one more celebrity who owes their weight loss to induced vomiting? I’d expected so much more from him.

  19. yellojkt says:

    I was finishing off a Subway sandwich as I read this. I finally started ordering double meat so there would be some in each bit. Those are skimpy subs. No wonder Jared lost so much weight. I think I’ll go on Bad Monkey’s diet but I’d have to watch a lot more TV.

  20. Hilly says:

    First of all, I did not see the ending but yanno, it was unavoidable that I would find out through a blog so whatever; now I won’t have to get stressed out at the end.

    So, let the rock throwing begin but I kinda like Jeffrey a little more after the visit to his house and him talking about that thing with the drugs and suicide…it made me understand him more. I always have been a Michael fan but don’t hate Jeffrey. Hell, I am just glad Lora did not win and I have not seen the collections but Uli winning would have bored me, as Heidi likes to say 😉

  21. Hilly says:

    Oh and I forgot to add that you have me rolling about Subway Tool Numero Uno!

  22. nancycle says:

    OK. Earnestly, I’m trying to understand your position here Dave, maybe you can help. Just what IS it that bothers you about the Subway guy? I think he’s guilty of been dorkish…Dorkish and LOADED WITH CASH from the sale of his book…

    Have you checked bad monkey for track marks? There seems to be a Michael Jackson transformation with his lower extremities also.

  23. Miss Britt says:

    I don’t carry around a hatred for Jared like you do. But seriously, people say he is “Inspirational”?

    pfft – I’ll do just about anything for money too. Where’s MY inspirational badge?!

  24. kilax says:

    OMG! Are you saying Bad Monkey is bulemic? I’d rather him be a meth addict like jenny said!

  25. delmer says:

    I eat at McDonald’s almost every day. I have Egg McMuffins, the Fruit and Yogurt Parfait, the Asian Salad (which is very good) and, lately, ice cream cones. (The ice cream cones are small. I like ice cream. I figure I can have one of these daily, or a DQ Blizzard once a month. I prefer my ice cream on a daily basis.)

    As you point out, and as most simpletons should know (not that you are a simpleton) it isn’t where you eat, it’s what you eat. And knowing when to say you’ve had enough.

    The Spurlock character is the guy that steams me. OK, he Supersized everytime they asked — and he got fat. And that is supposed to say something about McDonald’s and other fast food restaurants? If I ate everything my mom suggested I’d be big as a house, and I’m pretty sure she’s not trying to kill me … she knows she’s not in my will, and if I die there’s a chance she’ll end up with my kids.

    And the dipwads that sue because Micky D’s made them fat. STFU.

  26. Hilly says:

    LMAO delmer…..seriously, “so Ronald McDonald held you down and shoved that food in your mouth…is that your testimony?”

  27. Delmer, I totally agree on the Spurlock thing! I thought I was the only one that smelled something rotten there. I mean, if you go from a strict vegan diet to Mickey D’s all day for a month of course your internal organs will turn to jelly.

  28. Bec says:

    So, move tv to bathroom, get Subway commercials from somewhere (they must be downloadable) and lose weight.

    Great, saves counting things and thinking about what you eat!

  29. *lynne* says:

    Heyya Dave, just to add to the anti-Jared thing: I remember catching something on the news a while ago, where Jared was a guest speaker at a high school or something… and a member of the audience was interviewd for her views… and what did she say? Something like:

    “His message is really great, but I can’t afford to eat out all the time, y’know?”

    I *so* couldn’t believe my ears ! I’d thought the high school student was the one who didn’t know how to look beyond the “advertising” part of the speech… but seeing what you’ve written about Jared [and his book], I think a big part of the problem was that in his speech, Jared probably never went beyond advertising for Subway, instead of explaining safe weight loss should be achieved by a combination of mental discipline, regular exercise and good food choices!

  30. Javajabber says:

    I just recently saw Jared’s new ad on tv. He’s gaining the weight back. I swear on all that’s holy … he’s gained back about 30 pounds or so.

    Must be all that room service in the hotels he’s staying at while he’s doing the lecture circuit.

    I feel vindicated that my hatred for him was not unjust.

  31. karla says:

    Uli was robbed, ROBBED I tell you.


  32. Rabbit says:

    Mmmmmmm . . . Big Macs.

  33. Tal says:

    No Mayo + No Cheese = No Point

    Jared may not weigh 400 lbs anymore, but he certainly isn’t fit or in shape. But I couldn’t seem to find Bad Monkey’s book on Amazon, is it already OOP?

  34. Twiggs says:

    I agree that Jared is a tool, but I think its based more on body type and metabolism that a person has that effects their weight gain or stablilty. I enjoy the loaded meatball marinara and can do so without being plagued with guilt because I am still growing so my metabolism is extremely rapid. I enjoy dining out often, but apparently have a lower than usual BMI and eating healthier and more nutritiously would benefit me. I am content with my curent weight, but feel that others think me to be too skinny. Overall, Subway kicks ass, and I’m totally ranting so I’m going to end this, lol.

  35. Samantha says:

    I don’t know how I ended up on this website, especially on articles from 2006, but I’d just like to point out that your hatred of Jared is now even more valid.

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