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Posted on Tuesday, July 18th, 2006

Dave!Before I sat down to write this entry, I went back through my travel category and was irritated to discover that every single trip I've taken over the past three years has had some kind of problem along the way. There's no doubt about it... commercial travel has been sucking more and more lately.

To get the best price, you have to make your reservations online. But most travel websites suck ass and don't work half the time, which means you have to call and pay the higher price anyway. Flights consistently run late and are overbooked (if they aren't canceled first). Reservations mean nothing, as rental car agencies and hotels are happy to promise something they can't deliver. Nobody smiles or is friendly anymore. Internet access is rarely free, and the more expensive it is, the more it's going to suck. Everything that can possibly go wrong, will go wrong.

Above all, fellow travelers are dumbasses. Here's an example from my flight over to Seattle this evening...

STEWARDESS: Due to the short 35-minute duration of this flight, we will be featuring a limited beverage service only. We offer Apple Juice, Orange Juice, Cranberry Juice, Beer, Water, and Wine. Again, your choices are Apple, Orange, or Cranberry Juice and Beer, Water, or Wine. Thank you!
STEWARDESS: (wheeling her little cart to the first passenger) And what would you like to drink sir?
TOTAL F#@%ING DUMBASS: I'll have a 7-Up.

I know people think I invent this crap, but I shit you not. You just can't make up stuff like this.

And now I am sitting in my hotel room which was advertised on the internet as having "HIGH SPEED INTERNET IN EVERY ROOM" and a banner saying "WIRELESS INTERNET!!" Little did I know that this does NOT mean wireless in every room... it means that there's wireless in the lobby only, and rooms have to use a cable (which they do not provide, and I didn't bring with me because I thought I'd have wireless). This kind of deceptive crap is just unforgivable. My blinding rage has me very close to burning this f#@%er to the ground.

But I'm too tired to find another hotel. So I guess I'll go post this from the lobby, then head back to my room and despair because I'm going to spend the night without internet access. Stupid hotel.

Now, for a random bit of hilariousness, go read Kevin Smith lambaste the totally irrelevant douche-bag movie critic Joel Siegel on his blog. I cannot WAIT for Clerks 2 to hit this weekend. The fact that an unprofessional prick like Siegel feels the need to walk out of a screening only makes me want to see it more.

Categories: Travel 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. James says:

    I work at a movie theater, where the drinks are clearly posted on the fountain. People constantly ask for Sprite or 7-Up, or Coke, and just have to get stuck with Sierra Mist and Pepsi. No point in correcting their blind ignorence.

  2. Kristy says:

    I believe anything you say about dumbass passengers on Horizon flights. We had a story of a woman writing into the corporate office to complain about how her flight attendant spent the whole flight chatting with the pilot and didn’t offer even a beverage service. Turns out it was one of the smaller planes. One that doesn’t even have a flight attendant on board. The chatty “flight attendant” was actually the co-pilot.


  3. I am so first in line for Clerks II. I actually talked a movie attendant out of his promotional Clerks II pin last week and I now wear it with pride on my lanyard.

    As for the dumbing down of society I’m right there with you. I have seen the light, however. I know that eventually all dumbass will devolve until they cannot remember how to breathe, and then the way will be clear for the rest of us to go on and repopulate the earth. Sometimes you’ve just got to thin the herd…

  4. Wayne Hall says:

    So I’ve narrowed it down. You’re either a saint, a whiner or an unlucky sap. Or some combination (a sappy whining saint, or saintly sappish whiner?).

    Being that I frequent your blog, I’d say I’m leaning towards mostly saint, with a dash of brilliant and witty writing cleverly disguised as complaints, which mostly center about witless saps.

    Amazingly coincidental is my current reading of Fahrenheit 451, and how closely tied it is to the “dumbing down of society” theme I noticed here. I’d not read the book before (saw the movie when I was young) and I must say I missed a good one.

    Now, I wonder if the person who asked for the 7-up heard the announcement. For while ignorance (the true meaning) is forgivable, spoiled impatience sparks a fire in me that is not easily put out. I especially lose myself in pleasure that is delivered with a few choice words to those who feel it’s the world’s duty to cater to them.

    Like the flight I just took to San Jose from Austin. Three times they announce that there is a medical emergency and if there’s a doctor or EMT on board, please ring their flight attendant button. Nothing. Then a reminder that anyone with medical training would be appreciated – nurse, paramedic, RN, physician, etc…

    A few minutes later we learn that we need to land in Phoenix due to the medical emergency. I kept thinking that there were probably people who could have helped (this was a packed 737) but didn’t want to. Then I imagined people complaining about how their day was going to be ruined due to the delay nd say ‘why did that person choose to be sick _today_” or something.

    Of course, none of those complaints happened, so I’m ashamed that I expected them. I was trying to compose a witty response that would contain the exactly perfect amount of disdain, wit, charm, and humiliation to make that person think next time. But it never came.

    I resolve to try not and expect it next time….

  5. EDDIE says:

    Everytime I eat sushi, I want some french fries. I end up getting their tempura though… but am I Mr. 7up? No, I think not.

    Just thinking you working on your computer in that stupid hotel lobby. You and wireless connection is not working this time. Are you sure you are not in 3rd world country?

  6. RW says:

    Yes. And no Jones Soda on those flights either.

  7. Eve says:

    People are stupid, I think we’ve established that.

    I’m wondering why they would even need beverage service on a 35-minute flight. That’s about half the time it takes for me to commute to work on the bus every day, yet there’s no bus attendent serving me Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. Though, that’d be friggin’ awesome!! But yeah, I carry my own beverages so I don’t have to rely on people who don’t serve caffeinated drinks.

    I just saw that thing about Kevin Smith on the news this morning. I have to check out the actual rebuttal, but yeah, Joel Siegal is there to review the movie, not walk out on it! And why is he the one reviewing it to begin with? I’m sure he walked out on Porky’s also.

  8. Kevin says:

    How can you call yourself a fair and impartial reviewer and then walk out of a movie? His license should be revoked… and given to ME!

  9. Chase says:

    I’m right there with ya – can’t freaking wait for Clerks II! YAY!

  10. delmer says:

    Are you currently in a Quality Inn in Philly? (I think it’s the Quality Inn. The hotel advertises itself as the one closest to the Philly airport.)

    They have the same wireless Internet advertising setup. Wireless is advertised but is available only in the lobby — the rooms are wired.

    Wait. You’re obviously not in Philly. My room came with the cable I needed. Of course, maybe this was an oversight on the part of the staff.

  11. Avitable says:

    Of course, as much as it seems like you travel, I’d think that you would be prepared for every possible contingency. Cables, cords, toilet paper, towels, anti-stink spray for cabbies, anything you could possibly need when something goes fubar.

  12. Karl says:

    Wow, I wonder how Siegel feels now that he has a new asshole? Did it wake him up?

  13. ms. sizzle says:

    Man, I love Kevin Smith.

  14. ChillyWilly says:

    My last flight, Skywest from Los Angeles, beverage service was great. Nice variety and no idiots. But I had two gin and tonics and was quite happy. So not much on the tiny plane was bothering me.

    But no WiFi would bother me, especially when it’s advertised so heavily. I’ve learned to always carry an ethernet cable with me in my bag, for those just in case times.

  15. Mocha says:

    I’m rarely inclined to agree with RW, but he’s spot on with the Jones Soda.

    Maybe he won’t come back and read what I just wrote about him. Maybe he will and think, “Awwww, isn’t she cute?”

    Kevin Smith’s entry was great. Why hasn’t anyone commented on it yet? I didn’t want to be the first, either. I mean, IT’S KEVIN SMITH.

  16. Göran says:

    Time to plan another trip then. Elisabeth Hurley is on Swedish tv4 in a great commercial!!

  17. Dave2 says:

    I was sent a link to those commercials… as usual, Elizabeth Hurley was magnificent.

    As I told Patrick… My life is now complete because I have heard Elizabeth Hurley utter the words “Swedish Penis Pump!”

  18. RW says:

    I’m watching you Mocha…

  19. Gah. Well, you read about my latest experience at Sheraton. Apeholes. I hate them so. I got a nastygram back from the hotel to which I curtly replied where I thought she could stick her “using the internet in the lobby” idea. ROAR!

  20. Mocha says:


    *waves at RW

    “Hey, buddy! How’s it going?”

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