Today's entry has been rated R by the Blogography Review Board for graphic violence, mature themes, sexual situations, and massive use of profanity. Imagery contained within may be upsetting to younger readers, persons with heart conditions, pregnant or expectant mothers, overly religious nut-jobs (this means you Pat Robertson!), dumbasses incapable of comprehending satire or parody, those with an IQ under 80 (including idiots, morons, stupid-heads, imbeciles, dunces, dimwits, dorks, chowder heads, or raging dumbasses), fans of the television show 7th Heaven, and all those people who are already offended by my blog (but read it ever day anyway)...
Do not proceed if you fall into any of the above categories. And, if you should choose to proceed anyway, don't even think about sending me an email or leaving a comment telling me how much you hate me and my blog. Because after I've gone to all this trouble to warn you about the atrocities within, that would just make you a major douche.
So please don't click the extended entry link below. You've been warned.
Unfortunately for you, there is a meme propagating throughout the blogosphere called "Fuck Off And Die Thursday." And since I am still pissed off over the events from the past couple of days, I am participating this week. I've never joined in before because I find this kind of excessive profanity to be a bit disconcerting, and don't really care to express myself that way (well, not ALL the time). But, every once in a while, there is simply no other word that can adequately express my dissatisfaction with the given situation. Ordinarily I would just use the word anyway, and munge it up a bit like this: "f#@%".
But that's just not good enough today.
Here's my fucking TOP FIVE list...
STUPID PARENTS WHO WON'T TEACH THEIR KIDS HOW TO ACT IN PUBLIC... FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!
Everywhere I went on my trip, I had to put up with unruly, unmanaged, and totally unsupervised kids. And I don't blame them... they're too young to know any better. It's the fucking parents who don't seem to give a shit that piss me off. At the hotel. In the restaurant. At the mall. In the theater. Even in the frickin' PARKING LOT, you've got screaming kids running around raising hell and annoying everybody. To the parents who are responsible for raising these hellish little turds, fuck off and die.
LEFT-HAND PASSING LANE DRIVERS... FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!
Exactly how difficult is it for dumbass motorists to comprehend signs like these...
I mean, it's pretty self-explanatory. If you are not passing anybody, DON'T FUCKING DRIVE IN THE LEFT-HAND PASSING LANE!! And yet every damn time I have to drive to Seattle, I inevitable run into idiots who either can't comprehend this, or just don't care. I am of the serious opinion that if you have to pass one of these fuckers on the right-hand side, you should be allowed to follow them home, firebomb their car, and then punish them... by shoving the fucking sign pole up their stupid ass...
Seriously. If you won't obey the law and learn how to drive properly, then get the hell off the road or fuck off and die.
SHITTY MOVIE THEATERS... FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!
It used to be that movie theaters were grand affairs with beautiful big screens and amazing sound systems. But in the modern age of the cineplex, this is rarely true. More likely is that you will be shoved in a tiny room with a crappy screen, dim projector and even shittier sound. What's even worse is that theater owners want to maximize dollars, so they end up putting rows of seats way too close to the screen. At the shitty Regal Cinemas where I watched My Super Ex-Girlfriend, there were seats literally six feet from the screen where they is no fucking way anybody sitting in them could possibly enjoy the film... assuming they could even see all of it. I realize that theaters have to cram in more movies than ever before to satisfy a niche market, but it's gone way, way too far. Between assholes talking all through the movie, dumbasses leaving their mobile phones on, ridiculously high ticket prices, obscene concession prices, idiotic commercials, and a totally inadequate sound/seating/picture... is it any wonder nobody wants to go to the movies anymore? Since they've utterly destroyed the movie theater experience...Regal Cinemas, AMC, and every other poorly designed theater chain that offers too little for far too much money can all fuck off and die.
SATURN CAR SERVICE... FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!
My car is 5 years old, yet only has 48,000 miles on it because I just don't drive it that often. I like the fact that it's in great condition, completely paid off, and nice to drive. The problem is that my extended warranty has now expired, so any trip to the dealer for service results in my getting totally fucked. Like now. The "SERVICE ENGINE SOON" light comes on every once in a while, and I wanted to know what's up. So I drive in to Saturn and am promptly told that it will cost $100 for them to check the computer and find out why the light is on. Now, I have NO problem paying for something that needs to be fixed... but paying them to take five minutes to plug in a computer and have it tell them what's wrong? FUCK THAT! It's like going to the grocery store and asking if they have any banana popsicles only to be told that it will cost $50 for them to check and see. So instead I go online and buy my own computer for $45 to tell me what's wrong. For half the cost, I can diagnose the problem and know if it's something serious... or just the gas cap not screwed on all the way. Saturn Service can kiss my ass THEN fuck off and die.
ANONYMOUS ASSHOLE TROLL COMMENTERS... FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!
I love getting comments... really I do. I even have my email program chime a special "beep" when a comment arrives so I can read it right away. I don't even mind it when a comment disagrees with me... the fact that somebody took the time to share their thoughts is all that matters. So imagine my reaction when I hear the beep, then rush over to my inbox only to receive such brilliant comments which, in their entirety, say "Fuck you" or "You suck" or "This is stupid." Just anonymous troll assholes with nothing to contribute and whose only desire is to disrupt other people's lives because they're too fucking stupid to have a life of their own. Even though I would never approve such asinine comments, the fact that I have to put up with it at all is enough to make me want to have them fuck off and die. Twice. And take all the spammers with you.
A pity I have chosen to only list my top five grievances... because I could easily come up with a dozen more. Hopefully this will all be worked out of my system before next Thursday so I don't have to go through this again.
I love comments! However, all comments are moderated, and won't appear until approved. Are you an abusive troll with nothing to contribute? Don't bother. Selling something? Don't bother. Spam linking? Don't bother.
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Picture a verdent field of softly waving grass under a perfect summer sun… the air is warm yet cools when the breeze shifts direction… in the evening there are cicadas in their mechanical rhythm, letting even a blind man know the bliss of summer is at its apex… a scent of lilac… a guitar from a nearby building with every note in tune and soft… there are no planes in the sky… and only a few wisps of clouds that don’t seem to move no matter how long you stare at them.
You feel the giving sun stroke your neck gently like a feather… the harmless buzzing sound of a bee on his errands… soft wisps of hair landing on your arm… a slight tickle… and then a goddamn fucking bitchslapping STINGER FrOm tHE assHOLE Bee who Thinks Your soap ISa Goddamn flower!!! KIIILLLLLLLLLL!! Jump! Whack!! YOU BASTARD! moTHEr…
slowly gather your breath… reform the chi that is your life force… exhale… relax…
Picture a verdant field of softly waving grass…
I love the rating warning! I wish I had known about FOADT when I wrote my Big Bag Of Suck list a few weeks back. It fit so well!
As for all these dumbasses, I also wish upon them a speedy death, with much fuck-offery.
“LEFT-HAND PASSING LANE DRIVERS… FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!”
Amen, my brother!!
Panic room, Dave…panic room.
Breathe…..in…..breathe…..out…..
Sorry you had such a shitty week.
Well since I am pregnant and didn’t immediately miscarry or experience any other side effect except my usual belching every couple of minutes, I guess your anger is not unreasonable and anyone who tells you to fuck off and die yourself over it should be shot. Or have a pole shoved up their backside.
Although now I am convinced you need a vacation away from the insanity, although I don’t know where you’d go to get away from all the assholes. They do seem to be everywhere.
I love your cartoons. Especially the sign up the stupid driver’s ass. And you are right to tell comment trollers to fuck off and die! I hope your week gets better. After the day from hell yesterday today was midly better.
Just step back and breathe…
I think of profanity as an artform.
I’m also very confused as to why you would get mail from stoopid people. You just don’t have anything that even resembles an offesnsive blog. What’s up with that?
< big hug >
I’m with you on all of these. And you are right about the movie theater experience, it is awful anymore. Somehow they have managed to make the seats better, but everything else continues to get worse.
I think you need some warm cookies and a nap. Seriously.
If that doesn’t sound appealing, how about I spring for a Swedish massage? You get to pick the chick. I’ll just pay for it.
It’s ok, Dave. You mean everything to ME. I’ll even lick you the next time we meet.
Now THAT’S a happy ending! 😉
It is now my mission to use twice the usual amount of expletives on my blog to make up for your usual, preferential lack of ’em.
I wonder if I can fit some non-expletives in there from time to time .. Hm.
RW… Now I find myself wondering if the dinner I described at Emilio’s didn’t actually happen! 🙂
Frances… The rating won’t actually do any good, you know. In fact, it will probably only encourage people to look who ordinarily wouldn’t. 🙁
Jodi… No doubt. They really should be at the top of the list, because it was the thing that caused me to write my list in the first place!
Adena… The breathing isn’t helping. I think I will turn to alcohol.
Mooselet… Yes, unfortunately dumbasses are everywhere on earth. I have no idea how I would escape. Perhaps outer space? Though I am sure there are dumbass aliens as well.
Apricoco… Well, everybody has to have a speciality, and mine is drawing cartoons of people with stuff rammed up their ass. I’m happy to know that it is appreciated, so thanks!
Miss Ann… You would be surprised at the mail and comments I get. I think it’s because people see cartoons and think this is going to be a friendly happy blog, and then become enraged when they find out that’s not true. Other people have no such hang-ups… they’re just douchebags.
Liz… I should bitch about my crappy life more often! Thanks!
Brandon…
Marie B… Fire away! 🙂
This is stupid.
Oh wait, no….heh.
I sooo wish the drivers here in California would learn to follow those signs. And the movie people in movie theatres who eat loud, talk, let their cell phone ring, kick the back of my effing chair throughout the entire movie can be blasted into next freakin’ year ’cause that seriously ticks me off when I’ve paid that much to view a 2 hour movie. I could get a hooker for that much for pete’s sake.
Reel Theaters offers a superior movie viewing experiance. No I’m not just plugging them because I work for them, my town had two old shitty theaters before they came to town and showed them who was boss.
Well, we can’t control the people though. Some noisy b$#*h ruined Miami Vice for me.
Wow, when YOU use the eff word without using @ or * then I KNOW you’re pissed. I was going to point out a typo but I’m afraid of getting the other signpole up my ass. It’s no biggie, anyway, dude. I mean SIR! Sorry.
You’re so entertaining…thank you, thank you. I had a shitty night dealing with egotistical, disrespectful, horny men at a bar that need to FUCK OFF and DIE. Reading your post cheered me up…somehow.
BTW. They have this great drug called Xanax, have you tried it?
HI Dave.
I am SO with you on number five. STupid people with stupid negative comments add nothing to the discussion or to society. I don’t get negative comments much, but there is someone in Oslo who apparently has decided they don’t like me and are leaving nasty, PERSONAL comments (you’re fat, you’re mean, do you know where your husband is right now? blah blah)on my blog. Of course I moderate them away, but it fucking pisses me off that this ass hat is such a weenie that they think they can leave nasty notes to me, about me, and they don’t have the stones to let me know who they are. I mean, how pussy is that, anyhow? They’ve also sent me rotten emails under an assumed name…
But then, I also think, dude, I’ve got the power. I’m being stalked. Someone is obsessed. I am obviously powerful enough that this slimy fartwad has to go to the trouble to get through my ip block just to leave messages trying to annoy me. And how frustrating for them it is that they never get through and I don’t acknowledge them, ever. Power.
AND I think that this poor person must not have much of a life if they spend their time bugging ME. Seriously, ME? Get laid, get a job, eat a sandwich, take a dump,,,, those are all WAY better uses of time then leaving shitty comments. There’s already too much negativity in this world as it is for that crap.
Anyhow, this is all stuff I wanted to post on mY blog but am not, because of the aforementioned policy of non-acknowledgement.
“been around the world and found that only stoopid people are breeding” … oh how true :/
hope things improve for you *comforthugs*
Dave, I’ve been enjoying your blog over the past couple *late* nights and find it both hilarious and a treat for my overworked eyes (outstanding look and your cartoons are too awesome).
I second every single one of the entries on your list, and have another:
“People who can’t be bothered to train their dog(s) and/or who treat them like crap.”
I could extend this to any person who treats their animal poorly, but lately I’ve had my fill of this with dogs. People who let them bark and bark and bark and bark and BARK (it amazes me that *anything* can make noise for hours non-stop). Are these people all deaf?
Right now we live in the Wild West somewhat – used to be the boonies and is quickly becoming just another McCity – so there’s a little more of the less-than-conscious mentality goin’ ’round here. On second thought… maybe not.
Our neighbor behind us recently got the *sweetest* puppy (a boxer/something mix) – most likely as a gift for their son (who appears to be part of a divorce/separation and is never there). The puppy seems to be just another of 10,000 toys on their back porch (including the must-have mini-4-wheel-drive electric car, etc.). 500 times the amount of toys any of us over 35 had when they were kids. Get the picture?
So this poor puppy gets tied up every single day now and has no one to play with, no one to take him/her for a walk. Nothing. They didn’t even get it a doghouse/hutch or even an old blanket/pillow for cryin’ out loud. The first day a cold rainstorm hit here I called the animal control people and pointed out what an idiot the owners must be – then I wondered if they knew each other – DOH! Few days later the puppy at least has a “run” area on a cable about 30 feet long. Better.
But the puppy still gets no attention during the day, so I decided to buy a bag of rawhide bones and give the puppy one to give it something to do. I mean… these f%$#ing people can’t even buy the dog a single f%(*ing bone or a toy?!? Must have run out of money buying the plastic-electric Hummer XIV.
I went over (purposefully when the owner was gone because quite frankly I’m concerned I might kick his @$$ from here to Sunday) and the puppy got all excited to see me – ANYBODY probably – and was really happy to have the bone to chew on. OMG this puppy is so frickin’ sweet. It breaks my heart to think about its life and probably 50,000,000 other animals neglected/abused/forgotten/whatever.
Sorry I’m ranting a bit, but when I see stuff like this I think to myself: You know… when Mother Nature decides she’s had enough of our bulls***, she’s gonna kick our @$$ like nobody’s business. It’s gonna be messy.
And you know… I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I found myself standing up and clapping while she did.
A-ha! What a great post to start off my day of dealing directly with the public, thanks Dave!
~I work in a grocery store, the gathering place for the lowest common denominator…
Oh my God ! You are becoming a telepathic… You can read me, now. You are the first human ! (Yes, Spock is not human.)
I have a solution : you have to put things into perspective… But I think that the word “relativize” does not belong to your vocabulary. Oh my God… Now, it is me… I am becoming a telepathic too… 🙂
I am thankful I happened upon your blog a few months ago. It’s nice to know that I am not crazy and people really do suck. Just know that you are not alone, and maybe someday they will all just fuck off and die. But until then, just hang in there.
I love this post! 🙂
I am SO with you on number one. I work at a Teen Center, and it appalls me to see how the kids act on a day-to-day basis. The kids get to use the facility and everything inside for FREE (it’s paid for with our tax dollars), and they. fucking. TRASH. the place on a daily basis. And if we try to discipline them? Wooo-mama, watch out! I’ve had three separate occurences of angry parents coming into my center and screaming at me or another staff member in the past three weeks. I understand that parents might have concerns about our disciplinary procedures, but how about coming in, sitting down, and discussing things like adults?!?
Seeing how kids act anymore makes me very scared for our future. The sad thing is, I’m only 26. I’m not that far removed from teenager-dom myself, but there was no way in hell that my peers and I would have acted like these kids do. We weren’t perfect angels but the level of disrespect, cursing at adults, sexual behavior, and illegal behavior seems to have increased at least tenfold between my generation and theirs.
To all of the shitty parents and their bratty, foul-mouthed, rude little twats of offspring–FUCK OFF AND DIE!!
It’s nice to see a normally restrained Dave unleash his inner non-Zen anger on an unsuspecting world occasionally.
And I agree with you wholeheartedly.
Dave: The site is amazing! At what point in history did society begin not giving a damn about the behavior of children? When I met my wife her two kids were out of control! I don’t just mean running around out of control, I mean kicking their eighty-year-old great-grandmother out of control! As a kid that got the belt for screwing around, I don’t really think severe beatings are needed but even dolphins bite their babies to keep them in line. After about two hours of that madness, I made a large wooden paddle and had the kids watch me do it. Long story short I’ve never had to use it since I hung it on the wall. Parents do you job and be a PARENT! As for left-lane hogs, I think we should be able to shoot three people a year. Three people a year no questions, no excuses, stupidity is good enough reason for the bloodshed. Obviously signs, road rage, and bitching will never shift these idiots into the slow lane where they belong. So as a group I think we need take it to the next level! Okay, shooting them may be harsh, side swiping them off the highway will do. 🙂
I’m going to have to come back to read all of this because I can’t stop giggling at the parking poll up the ass toon long enough to concentrate on the words around it. Though, I did see what you wrote about Saturn. I have a Saturn also, but luckily I haven’t had any problems with them. I didn’t realize you could buy your own diagnostic computer — you have to send me the link.
Why did I not know about this meme?
Guess what I’m posting next Thursday?
Oh, and I HATE left-lane drivers as well and if you think Saturn’s service is bad, you should be glad you don’t have a Mazda. A friend of mine has one and it’s like getting dental work, dealing with those buttwads.
No, seriously. You need to publish your “… for Dumbasses” book series. And if you don’t feel you have enough material for separate books on each topic, consolidate them all into one “Big Book of Help for Dumbasses.” I’d be your first customer.
This is stupid! (Just kidding!) I love your “Fuck Off” list — I absolutely whole-heartedly agree with ya.
Way to share your frustration. Happy Friday!!
Fuck off and die…
Just kidding. Cool way to let off steam.
Don’t forget those sticky movie theater floors… That’s high on my list of reasons I don’t like to go!
I will never understand comment trolls… what’s the point anyway? Why read something just to leave a nasty comment? Ugh.
Oooooo, I’d love to see that “sign pole” cartoon on a gray t-shirt. 🙂
I am reading a magazine (about psychology). There is an interesting article…
http://www.israsociety.com/2006meeting/abstracts/27sytp2f.pdf
There would be a molecule of male anger : vasopressin. This molecule would explain why the men tend to fight in them and women to be helped. By writing this comment, I have the impression to reinforce the side sexist of Blogography . Sorry… But Science, it is Science… 😉
Saturn can totally kiss my ass, too.
I “had” a Saturn. Key word is “had.”
I am with you. This is a great meme. I was worried that behind the R-rated warning you were going to announce membership in Half Naked Thursdays.
Ha! Brilliant list, and I definitely could add a few more based on the week I’ve been having… people who steal your fuses in a 99 degree heat wave? FOAD!!!
Here’s hoping next week is better for you!
I have a ’98 Saturn. The SERVICE ENGINE SOON light comes on every once in a while for me, too. It’s been the gas cap 100% of the time. I think it’s just wearing out. So when I screw the cap on now, it takes like 20 turns to get it on tight enough. Cheap Saturn bastards. Anyway, my service manual says that it can take several starts before the light goes off. It’s probably just that.
Some advice? Make nice with a mechanic somewhere. It doesn’t matter where, as long as he has diagnostic equipment available to him. He’ll run diagnostics on the cheap, you can do whatever you do on the cheap for him.
[sigh] Although I agree with your list 1000%, I do wish you would stop making a memewhore out of me. I fear the give-and-take aspect of our relationship has become sadly out of balance. Is there nothing I can offer you in return?
Amen amen amen amen on the kid thing; half of the reason we are never sure if we want one is because we see too many of them running around like little asshats; but I know that it is PARENTING that is awry, not the urchins themselves.
And troll commenters are big fat pussies (sorry for the foulness) because if you want to say something, have the balls to use your name, hrmph.
I’m sorry you’ve had such bad experiences lately. And I agree with you totally on the bad movie theaters rant. Most theaters are crap-on-a-stick, but the Rave theaters over here rock! I don’t know if there’s one near you, but if you have one I whole-heartedly recommend it.
Here’s hoping things get better….
I. HATE. SATURN.
Goddamn it, it’s Friday…
and I have such a GOOD FOADT rant, too.
Ah well, I made it a fuck off and die Friday on my blog.
GAH!!
I’m with you. I really hate people sometimes.
Wow, it’s a good thing that I don’t have a blog. I’d be posting a FOADT entry every day after work. If I made one post a day (which I guess would change the meme to FOADS, FOADM, FOADT, FOADTW, etc.), I would easily have enough material for at least a year. Of course I wouldn’t have all the cool illustrations to go along with the entries… People are really stupid and/or oblivious. Yep. Good thing I don’t have a blog…
“The grass is warm. The sky is green.”
You’re scary Dave. More people should be THIS normal. I NEVER comment so… here. is. my. comment.
Pop in Office Space maybe…
Poor Dave needs a batch of homemade snickerdoodles, fresh from the oven.
I’m just NOW having my very first troll/idiot/insane person commenter on my blog, and I got so excited about it that I let it carry on over three entries before I put a stop to it. But he’s a really, really entertaining one.
I’m sending mai tai for you.
oh my f’in lord how could i not know this existed?! i’ve been missing out on my callin in life!!! ok, next thursday i am so on top of this, and considering you have already covered shitty parenting i can cross that off my list (and jeebus dave you think it’s bad traveling…try being a school teacher)
I’ve been a long-time reader, but I’m commenting for the first-time because I want to help you, Dave! 🙂
I’m thinking that one of the auto places (Advance Auto/Auto Zone) have one of those deals where you bring your car, and they’ll hook the diagnostic equipment up to it for free.
But I also have a 96 Saturn (purple, thank you very much, a version they made for only half that year), and when the service engine light comes on and goes off like that periodically, it usually means the oxygen sensor needs to be replaced. You might have no idea what I’m talking about, but that’s been my experience. I’m lucky enough to have a dad who’s a car guru.
If you keep this car for another 20,000 miles, I’d advise checking the oil level often. Saturns have a nasty habit of guzzling oil.
Mooselet is a good friend of mine from way back and is one of the only people who trouble to read my insipid blog rants (my blog is my therapy, if I couldn’t write it out my head would explode). My last tirade had to do with the idiot drivers who hog up the left lane here in south Florida. She referred me to your blog, particularly your cartoon, which I loved!
We don’t have any signs here that state what should be the obvious to every shitheel cruising obliviously in the left lane. And if we did, we’d have to put up multiple transalations, and actually get our police to enforce it. As it stands now, I watch police cars in a hurry in the left lane actually tailgate these assholes, and when the asshole doesn’t move, they then go around them, like us mortals do.
I am glad you’re not the Hulk!!!
You can buy the computer to diagnose car problems? Really? Sign me up!
Good list, Dave. Stupid parents would definitely be on mine too. It might be on there more than once actually.
Did you get the diagnostic computer yet? How’s it work?
I wandered over from your guest blog on Hilly’s site. It cracked me up and I had to check out your site. This was terribly funny as well, particularly the sign up the ass.
Being a resident Seattlite I wanted to agree with your assesment of the driving here! Its awful – it’s like we have imported the worst of the worst drivers. No one can merge, I’ve actually thought about giving up driving but we don’t have any public transportation (City of Seattle FOAD)
If you haven’t bought the diagnostics computer you can go to Schucks (when you are in Seattle – or if they are in your area) and give them your ID and borrow their’s to run the diagnostics.
Dave is an awesome guy!
i love ur blog!!!!