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Poise

Posted on Friday, June 9th, 2006

Dave!I woke up in the middle of the night and ended up working for four hours. Realizing that I would need some sleep before starting my "real" work day, I decided to take a nap for a couple hours. Waking up refreshed, I was looking forward to this being a good day. I mean, it's Friday, how bad could it get?

You'd think that I would learn to stop asking those kind of questions.

Grabbing my PowerBook off the night-stand, I check my email and the very first one I open is this note from Cynical Dad...

I know you're probably in mourning right now, but in case you haven't heard, let me break the news to you gently. Liz Hurley has been fired from Project Catwalk.
   
But wait! It gets worse. Her replacement? Kelly Osbourne.    
http://www.itv.com/news/entertainment_1316182.html
   
Sorry,
Chag

WHAT THE BLOODY F#@%?!?

Time for the five steps of mourning...

  1. Denial. NO! It's not true! CYNICAL DAD IS A LYING BASTARD!!
  2. Anger. Sky One Television must be destroyed! I will kill Kelly Osborn with my bare hands!!
  3. Depression. Waaaaahhh! Where am I going to get my Liz fix now?!? I want to die.
  4. Bargaining. Perhaps if I were to kidnap Sky One owner Rupert Murdoch, Sky One can be convinced to put Liz back on the air!
  5. Acceptance. Typical. American network execs are total dumbasses, why should their British equivalents be any less stupid?

When you stop and think about it, it all makes perfect sense. Kelly Osborne is totally a worthy replacement for the hottest woman alive...

Liz and Kelly

Because when I think of beauty and class, Kelly Osborne comes immediately to mind...

Liz and Kelly

I mean, I know that Elizabeth Hurley has been a model for nearly 20 years now, so how can she possibly hold a candle to a young, fresh talent like Kelly Osbourne today?

Liz and Kelly

And when one thinks of elegance and poise, is Kelly not the first thing to come to mind?

Liz and Kelly

Forget the fact that Liz has her own successful swim-wear fashion company and Kelly's "Stiletto Killers" fashion line closed its doors two months ago, I'm sure Kelly knows much more about fashion...

Liz and Kelly

And aren't people just sick and tired of looking at Elizabeth Hurley's flawless breasts? I know I sure am!

Liz and Kelly

Trust me, I totally GET IT now...

Liz and Kelly

Besides, Kelly is a famous singer now! Who cares how you look so long as you can sing!

Liz and Kelly

Yep, Kelly is the perfect choice. Nobody says "fashion" quite like a foul-mouthed little bitch who talks as though she's been smacked in the head with a baseball bat...

Liz and Kelly

The thing that totally baffles me here is how incredible Elizabeth Hurley was on the first season of Project Catwalk. She totally blows away Heidi Klum here on the American original series Project Runway. I can only guess that Kelly was cheaper (in every possible way) and so the execs at Sky One decided to cut costs and hire her. Forget the fact that this trashes the reputation of the show completely, so long as you can save a buck, what does it matter? I always thought that British television had higher standards than anything we get here, and having Liz host was proof of that.

Tragic that this is no longer the case. "Too wooden" indeed.


Categories: Elizabeth Hurley, Television 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Jeff says:

    Holy crap!

    My condolences.

  2. Brandon says:

    Wow! No offense, I’m not a huge EH fan, but this is a travesty. Kelly Osbourne shouldn’t be allowed to work at a McDonald’s let alone host a show about fashion.

  3. suze says:

    finally – the mystery of why my friday has totally sucked ass so much I’ve been mistakingly calling it monday, all freakin day, has been solved. The replacement of Liz with Kelly has caused a tear in the fabric of the universe, and the first things to get sucked into the vortex created have been my bus pass, my work security pass and my *sniff* iPod. I hope they find their way back soon…

  4. Kevin says:

    Did I miss several months and we have returned to April Fool’s Day? I don’t recall having Rod Serling beside me delivering the intro to my life. What the hell is going on here? If you dump a model from a show about modeling, at least pick up another model.

    Clearly, Project Runway is DOA.

  5. Michelle says:

    I feel for you, man. That’s rough. And her replacement is such a slap in the face. Yikes. Hopefully things will get better for you.

  6. Göran says:

    Hysterical!

    At least it will get keh-rayzee now with Kelly on board. In a gluesniffing bulimic kind of way.

    Maybe Liz has the time to marry you now that her career is obviously bummed?

  7. Bre says:

    My deepest sympathy.

  8. Firda says:

    Heh. I remember Troy reading something about it somewhere (most likely on the cover of one those crappy gossip magazines while we were lining up to pay for our groceries). The first thing that came to our minds was how devastated you’d be. My condolences.

  9. Deb_LA says:

    Don’t jump! I am so sorry for your loss.

  10. Dave2 says:

    Jeff… Holy crap indeed. How utterly humiliating for Sky One to have made such an obviously bad move!

    Brandon… But she makes crappy music and has a famous daddy!! Apparently, that counts for everything.

    Suze… There is definitely something wrong in the universe now. No sane dimensional continuum would dare to replace the sublime perfection that is Elizabeth Hurley!!

    Kevin… Runway is the US version (new season in July!) and is hosted (somewhat unconvincingly) by Heidi Klum. The British version is “Project Catwalk” and you are absolutely correct… who wants to watch Kelly Osbourne host a show about fashion? Come on!! If only it were April Fool’s Day… sob!!

    Michelle… Argh. I feel for me too. I was SO looking forward to a second season of the show, and now THIS travesty happens. I can only hope that they release Series One on DVD here to make SOMETHING good come out of the show. :-(

    Göran… Liz will have NO problem getting work. She is working all the time! She just did a Got Milk? ad, a couple of purse ads, and makes appearances everywhere. As much as I wish you were correct about me having an “in”… I must say that everybody still wants Liz, and who could possibly blame them?

    Bre… Thanks. This has been a very difficult day for me. :-(

    Firda… I’m not only devastated… I am questioning my very existence! Fortunately, I have a very good book I am reading just now… might you know what it is? :-)

    Deb… There’s no buildings tall enough for me to do any serious damage in my small home town! But do watch for my photo on “America’s Most Wanted” after I fly to the UK and open a can of whoop-ass death and destruction on Sky One! Or maybe that should be “Britain’s Most Wanted”?? Do they even have that there? I suppose it only matters if I get caught, and then it’s a question of WHERE I am caught! :-)

  11. Chanakin says:

    The show couldn’t have jumped the shark already.

    I think this is your typical out-of-touch network execs thinking they can attract the younger market with somebody more hip.

    Too bad they didn’t actually pull their heads out of their asses long enough to see who’s “in”.

  12. Brent says:

    I have new found respect for EH after seeing a couple of these pictures. Who the hell is running this TV program, and shouldn’t he be fired like three hours ago? I refuse to be politically correct here because I’m convinced the one in charge has to be female; no man would ever make such a decision.

  13. Dave2 says:

    Well Brent, I was going to say “no straight man, anyway” – but then realized that no gay man in his right mind could possibly make this mistake either… so who knows? It’s all so horrifying.

    I agree with Chanakin about wanting an “in” host… but would debate the idea that Liz has EVER been “out”. She makes waves wherever she goes, is the focus of constant media attention, and will be remembered long past the time Kelly Osbourne has faded into the obscurity she so richly deserves. You would think that the “younger market” would look up to an enduring icon like Elizabeth Hurley, rather than going for a trendy train wreck like Kelly. Oh well. Kelly has to grab all the attention she can, while she can, so I can’t really blame her for grabbing the brass ring here… I just can’t imagine her thinking that she could possibly EVER follow Liz on anything and not look inadequate. Not that I’m panning Kelly here but, seriously, there’s maybe five women in the universe who could even come close, and she ain’t one of them… not by a long shot.

  14. Aargh says:

    The pictures scared the beejeebus out of me Osborne is hideous. Someone was on cheap drugs when they made this decison.

    My Condolences.

  15. claire says:

    I had that moment of “Kelly Osbourne? I must be thinking of the wrong person,” but no, your side-by-sides drive it home. How horrifying.

    I love Liz. I haven’t seen Catwalk, but it sounded like something she was really well suited for.

    Hang in there, Dave. Hopefully she’ll go on to bigger and better things.

  16. Dave2 says:

    Aargh… You are obviously correct, though you’d think Rupert Murdoch would be smart enough not to have a bunch of crack-head dumbasses in charge of his network (all evidence to the contrary).

    Claire… The fact that Sky One exces claim Liz was “wooden” in front of the camera is a laughable excuse. She was perfectly charming and engaging (as she always is)… one day the show will reach the USA, then everybody here can see for themselves. There was one episode where Kelly guest-starred, and she was tragically bad. She is an incomprehensible mess, and I cannot fathom how she can possibly pull it off. I for one, won’t be tuning in to find out. It simply HAD to be about the money. There is no other reason that even remotely makes sense. Kelly is a beat-up old Ford Pinto compared to Liz’s Rolls Royce of beauty, charm, and elegance.

  17. Laurence says:

    I sympathize with you. But, maybe, it is a comfort to know that Liz is famous in France, while Kelly is known for her “bad taste”.

  18. Dave2 says:

    I think that Kelly being known for her bad taste is a global phenomenon in ALL countries! :-)

    On the other hand, I’d imagine Liz is famous for her beauty around the world as well.

    Hmmmm… perhaps Elizabeth Hurley is the one to bring peace to this planet? I’m all for LizPeace!

  19. jenny says:

    Oh, Dave. So incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you right now, in your time of mourning.

    I mean really – Kelly Osbourne? Are we going to have to see screen shots from the show with her each week now? :::::shiver:::::

  20. Dave2 says:

    ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

    It would be a travesty of biblical proportions to dare sully my site with images of Kelly Osbourne in a roll that was meant for my beloved Elizabeth Hurley! :-)

  21. sandra says:

    Wow. Wow. Wow. And, wow. That’s just…so, so wrong. I can’t figure out at all why she is even moderately appropriate to host the show. Oh, wait — that’s because SHE’S NOT.

  22. RW says:

    That’s just dumb. They should have kept Elizabeth and just added Dave.

    Bastards.

  23. Dave2 says:

    Sandra… You can say that again. Kelly Osbourne has all the wit and charm of a diseased rodent. Watching her stumble through an interview is almost painful, so I can’t imagine how bad she’ll rate as a show host. But who knows… maybe she’ll rise to the occasion! All I know is that I won’t be watching to find out. :-(

    RW… YES! FINALLY, A WAY TO GET HIGHER RATINGS FOR THE SHOW THAT I APPROVE OF!! :-)

  24. Eve says:

    Perhaps they got Kelly Osbourne because she’s more notorious? Liz is classic, but she doesn’t make the headlines all the time. The show might get more attention because people will tune in to see how Kelly will do.

    And, I really can’t bash Kelly. She’s nuts, but look at her dad. I’ve loved Ozzy since childhood, and I remember when all his kids were born. I can’t turn my back on them now!!!

    Not that I’m going to watch the show anyhow. I never did before. I’m sorry, I can’t sit through any of these types of shows, they drive me insane. I don’t care about the next top model, designer, singer, dancer, survivalist, etc. Only if you’re the Biggest Loser, then I’ll tune in.

    Dave, look on the bright side. This frees Liz up to do something that’s hopefully much better than PR. Bedazzled 2: Go to Hell, anybody?

  25. SJ says:

    I’ve never seen the show, but cannot imagine Liz Hurley being “wooden.” The woman spends her life in front of cameras! Who do they think they’re fooling?

    But there must be something more to it than money. I’m sure they could have found many gorgeous young models who’d take the job for less than Kelly. And she’s so 2002! Maybe somebody at Sky One owed Daddy a favor?

  26. adena says:

    Awww….poor Dave. Maybe Liz Hurley is not on the show anymore, because she has taken herself off the market.

    You know….for you.

  27. Janet says:

    The comparisons between the two made me laugh, but really, this is a tragedy.

  28. Chase says:

    Oh, Dave, I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel for you…I can only send you my best thoughts and hope that Liz shows up at your house for a personal farewell shindig.

  29. adena says:

    Is “shindig” the new word for it now, then? :)

  30. alice says:

    head bowed. i am having a moment. this is just awful.

  31. babyoog says:

    The first side-by-side sums it up, the rest illuminate. What a strange, strange woman.

  32. ms. sizzle says:

    i, for one, am really tired of looking at elizabeth’s perfect breasts. ;) kidding! juuuuust kidding.

    this is awful news. kelly for liz?! they are MAD!

  33. Wejn says:

    Oh man, I’m also sorry for your loss. In fact, I’m sorry for the loss we all have to endure.

    Anyway, even though Kelly is hell-on-wheels, it seems tad unfair to compare grown-up woman like Liz with a kid (an ugly duckling). Kelly simply doesn’t stand a chance.

    Btw, even Liz has photos that aren’t all-that-fabulous (one example).

    Hmm, now that I’m thiking of it … it’s really bad decision no matter the angle I look at it from.

  34. Cavan says:

    That first picture of Kelly is just about the most horrendous thing I’ve seen in my entire life. I mean…agh!

  35. Steve says:

    Sorry to be so late in commenting, but I did want to mention one biographical detail about Ms. Hurley. In case you didn’t know, yesterday was her birthday. Now that Liz is in her 40’s, do you think that the switch to Kelly Osbourne is a mere blandishment to youth? I guess we 40-somethings have to know when to yield the way for the next generation.

  36. Dave2 says:

    Eve… I love Ozzy too. But he has talent, where his kids really don’t. They’re famous for being Ozzy’s kids, and the entire world has to put up with them because of it. So long as it was restricted to bad music and Madonna covers, I was fine. But now it’s having a REAL affect on my world, and I am not pleased.

    SJ… She wasn’t “wooden” – not in the least. She was her warm, engaging, mesmerizing, beautiful, fine self as always. Network execs just need an excuse… any excuse… even a bad one. Never-mind that it is a total lie. Have you ever seen Kelly on a talk show or speaking to a reporter? Horrific. Lies. All lies.

    Adena… Unfortunately, Liz is quite happy with her current boyfriend so I remain out of the picture. :-(

    Janet… Yes. A tragedy for the entire planet that will ultimately be the end of life as we know it on earth. It is a sign of “End of Days” to be certain.

    Chase… Sadly, Elizabeth Hurley doesn’t even know I exist. I suppose I’ll have to hold a shindig without her.

    Adena… Only if it means what I think it means. :-)

    Alice… I feel your pain. Each morning now I am going to find it hard to want to go on living.

    Babyoog… Hopefully they’ll hose Kelly down before putting her in front of the camera. I don’t plan on watching (of course), but those that do shouldn’t have to go into convulsions.

    Ms. Sizzle… Yes. Quite mad. They had ELIZABETH FREAKIN’ HURLEY, and tossed her away. This isn’t just insanity, it’s a full-blown mental breakdown, and everybody responsible should be committed.

    Wejn… Your link doesn’t work, but the photo I think you are pointing to is Liz in the infamous “safety pin dress”. You have to realize that Liz didn’t have much choice in the matter. She was invited to the premiere of “Four Weddings and a Funeral” but could not afford a nice dress to wear. She asked at Versace if she could borrow one, and the “safety pin dress” was all they had. Odds are, she wouldn’t have chosen it if other options were available. Despite what anybody thinks of the dress, it got her noticed, AND got her a contract with Estée Lauder. It just goes to show that Elizabeth Hurley can make even horrible clothes look incredible. It’s what she does, and why she was so perfect for “Project Catwalk”.

    Cavan… There were actually worse ones, but I was trying to be nice.

    Steve… Yes, I did know it was her birthday yesterday… I was just too depressed to celebrate it this year. And you may be right about the “youth” aspect, but I personally don’t buy it. With the exception of #1, #2, and #6… those photos I have posted above are CURRENT PHOTOS. Elizabeth Hurley is just as stunningly beautiful today as she’s always been, and her age is absolutely not a factor in her dominance in the world of fashion. She can wear anything and look amazing. As the photos above show, this is simply not an option for Kelly, who has all the fashion sense of a 50-year-old coke-whore.

  37. Kevin says:

    Dave, did you ever read Marvel Comics back in the 80s? Remember their “No Prizes” for people that discovered potential mistakes but explained them away using some twisted logic and the editors in the letters sections would grant them a No Prize for their efforts?

    Well, I think you owe me a No Prize for what I’m about to say. In your reply to Jenny’s comment above, you say “…images of Kelly Osbourne in a roll that was meant for my beloved Elizabeth Hurley!” Normally, I’d think you typo’d with the word “roll” when you really meant “role” as in her role in a TV show, movie, etc.

    However, this can be explained away by your rather overt desire to bed Ms. Hurley. So you can explain the “typo” by saying you’d like to “roll Elizabeth up in Dave” making “roll” the appropriate word, right?

    Do I get my No Prize?

  38. Dave2 says:

    I think that Marvel copyrighted the “No-Prize”… but I’m happy to give you a “Nothing-Prize”!!

  39. mamaholler says:

    The show is going to lose a lot of credibility now, and this is obvious to EVERYONE, so I can’t help wonder if that isn’t what the network is going for. Maybe they don’t want a gorgeous super model in everyone’s faces, perhaps they want to turn it into a bit of a comedy show with mishaps in the same respect that lots of people like to see the worst singers on American Idol so badly. Either having Kelly is going to so narrowly target an audience that the show will be canceled in a season, or it will explode because people will not be able to get enough of watching her being Kelly and talk about something she does wildly- clothes!

  40. Steve says:

    This is a dead horse by now, but I did want to explain my comment for the record. You see, I was very happy to associate myself with the over-40 crowd with such a fine fellow member as Elizabeth Hurley. If Kelly Osbourne is in any way an exemplar, then the old line about youth being wasted on the young has never been more true.

  41. Wayne Hall says:

    Maybe we need a davetoon for “Project Catfight” where the two of them duke it out. Kelly can bring her dad (the red dragon creature version of her dad from The Ultimate Sin cover) and Liz can bring dave and Bad Monkey.

    I think we all know who would win.

    oooh, maybe even better would be Celebrity Death Match!

    Only this would be called Celebrity Dave Match.

    Winner gets Dave.

  42. Dave2 says:

    Oh crap! If by some REMOTE chance Kelly would win that one, I’d probably have to kill myself.

  43. vincent says:

    What? they’re replacing elizabeth hurley with that fat bitchy and ugly Kelly osborn? YUCK!! What the hell were they thinking? This is the dumbest decision they could ever make! Elizabeth was the only reason that kept me watching the show from the start to the end. I won’t be surprised if the next season of project catwalk is axed becuz of that hideous Kelly osborn. I mean, come on, who would want to watch her? I know i wouldn’t.

  44. samantha says:

    Get a bloody life all of you, what is this the Liz hurley fan club the only reason you agree with the jackass who started all this is because he deliberately picked bad photos of Kelly Osborne.Since watching the show i have been well entertained by Kelly as Liz definately was WOODEN.I also believe Kelly Osborne has a different look on the fashion world,unlike Liz who is a 1 trick pony and can only design swim wear. So hope you like the next series ;)see ya

  45. Dave2 says:

    Uhhh… I thought I was picking good pictures of Kelly. They were just the ones that came up when I did a Google search.

    In any event, you are entitled to your own opinion… just as I am entitled to mine… but since you seem to spend you time scouring the internet defending Kelly Osbourne, maybe YOU are the one who needs to get a life?

  46. Tabby Cat says:

    You all suck Kelly is beautiful. They made the right decision. Liz is a skinny whore

  47. Dave2 says:

    Everybody is entitled to their opinion as to what constitutes beauty. If you find Kelly to be more beautiful than Elizabeth Hurley, that’s your right (even though I think you are insane, as the photographic evidence above surely demonstrates).

    But to brand Elizabeth Hurley a “whore” as the reason for your preference of Kelly Osbourne as host makes your argument pretty pathetic. Are you twelve years old, or just a fucking ignorant douche who thinks calling somebody a whore is the way to convince people your opinion is the correct one? Sad.

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