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Posted on Thursday, April 27th, 2006

Dave!Lily was dismayed to find out that the bread for her peanut butter and jelly sandwich was slightly stale. Since she preferred her bread soft and squishy, this was a deal-breaker. Complaining to her mother did no good at all. Mother abhorred waste and insisted that the old loaf be finished off before a fresh loaf was eaten. This left Lily with two options... A) Suck it up and make her peanut butter and jelly sandwich with bread that was slightly tough around the edges. B) Forgo the peanut butter and jelly sandwich until some other family member (preferably her mean older brother) finished the stale loaf, thus allowing her to open a new one.

Lily chose option C because A was unacceptable and B would take too long.

Lily's grandmother had once told her that a slice of bread in the cookie jar would freshen cookies that were going stale. Applying this logic to her present situation, she opened the fresh loaf, removed a slice of deliciously soft bread, and then put it in with the old loaf. She didn't know how long it would take for the new slice to magically freshen the old bread, but she hoped it would work out before her cartoons started 45 minutes from now. Satisfied with her cleverness, the girl scampered off to do whatever it is that little girls do.

Lily's mother was not even a little surprised at the curious bread situation when she went to make her own sandwich soon after. Her daughter had always been a precocious child, even if she wasn't very bright.


Any time now, the Washington State Supreme Court is expected to release a ruling on whether we become the second state to legalize same-sex marriage. Needless to say, this has many people up-in-arms.

Personally, I don't understand what the big deal is. I've already said my peace on the subject, and my opinion hasn't changed. So, if you haven't already, click here to go read that entry before you go any further. Don't worry, I'll wait.

Okay then.

Now maybe you can help me figure out why people against same-sex marriage look at everything backwards and somehow assume that adding this fresh new slice to their crusty old marriage loaf is going to ruin their staleness?

I don't get it. Everywhere you turn, somebody is going off about how this is going to "destroy marriage". Given current divorce statistics, I find this to be a hysterical argument. Almost as funny as the fact that nobody seems to protest when two atheists get married (just so long as they both don't have a penis). And if two atheists can get married by the Justice of the Peace in a non-religious ceremony and nobody feels threatened enough to give a crap, then how can you take same-sex marriage any less seriously? If Michael Jackson can marry Lisa Marie Presley, then I say ANYBODY should be allowed to get married.

Because in a very short amount of time, this new slice of bread is going to have all the moisture sucked out of it and end up being just as stale as the rest of the loaf status-quo. Nothing magically changes for the old slices... they're going to be just as stagnant as they've always been. All you really end up with is a more interesting loaf of bread that had momentary delusions of freshness.

And isn't delusions of freshness what this country is supposed to be all about?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that there's an uproar. The same thing happened when a slice of wheat bread was added to the loaf. Then again with the sourdough. Then again with the rye. Then again with the multi-grain. Why should adding a slice of cinnamon-raisin-swirl be any different?

Oh great. Now I'm hungry for toast...

Categories: News - Politics 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. sandra says:

    I totally don’t get it either. In a legal sense, a marriage is a contract between two people — so why two people of the same sex can’t sign the same piece of paper…I have no idea. Perhaps there’s something I don’t know; would said contract blow up the earth?

  2. filimus sans says:

    i love toast.
    i dont get arguing about this…
    are we not a country that encourages the pursuit of happiness?
    who has the right to deny anyone’s right to happiness?
    anyone has the right, no matter thier sex.
    good job, dave.

  3. Bre says:

    This is a very relevant issue for me as of late – My cousin and her partner will be having a commitment ceremony in less than a month in New York. My family is, in part, very religious. Experiencing them go through the time from when my cousin came out to them and to now has been tumultuous. There are certain members of my family who will not be attending the wedding because they believe that marriage is a sacrement and that my cousin and her partner are not permitted to recieve that sacrement together because they are both women. As for me? They love each other. They love their daughter (my goddaughter) and provide her with a safe, loving, and stable home. I don’t see any reason why they shouldn’t be recognized legally for making a responsible and informed decision about their lives.

  4. jodi says:

    Well, I would be proud and pleased as punch if Washington legalized same sex marriage. It would make me feel hopeful, like I lived in a state that had evolved, instead of moving backwards, the way this country seems to be going since Bush took office.

  5. Dave2 says:

    Sandra: Apparently it depends on your interpretation of The Bible?

    Filimus: Toast is good. Nothing beats a nicely toasted piece of bread in the morning!

    Bre: And there’s the thing. The people who do not wish to acknowledge same-sex marriage should be free to feel that way… FOR THEMSELVES. It’s not right that they should get to decide for everybody else though.

    Jodi: Of course, I live in the more conservative Eastern-half of the state… so while you are celebrating over on the coast, I’ll undoubtedly be in the middle of full-scale rioting. 🙂

  6. people are stupid. i think that sums it up. oh, and they’re all religious or homophobic most of the time too.

    course I always say the thing lots of people say…why should they be exempt from screwing up their lives too?

  7. Bec says:

    I honestly believe that if you want to do soemthign that will make you happy and it isn’t hurting anyone no one has the right to stop you… and it’s about time the law reflected this.

  8. Dave2 says:

    As a piece of white bread myself, I honestly believe that there’s nothing wrong with cinnamon-raisin-swirl. People should feel free to be whatever bread makes them happy.

    How can you claim to love the diversity of the loaf and not love the slices?

    I (heart) Bread.

    Though, to tell the truth, I am probably not white bread at all… I’m more like one of those 10-grain heavy-duty breads with plenty of nuts and seeds that blows through your colon and plugs up the toilet. Yeah. That’s me.

  9. Kevin says:

    So much for separation of church and state, huh?

    I don’t get what the big deal is, either. We should be more worried about abusive family situations and people abusing the welfare program. Instead, the country takes issue with two people who are in love and want to legally declare this love for each other.

  10. Dave2 says:

    Not to mention being able to cover their partner with insurance, qualify for tax breaks, start a family, and leave a Last Will & Testament that will hold up in court.

    Greedy gay bastards! How DARE they want the same rights as everybody else!

  11. adena says:

    But, wasn’t Michael Jackson marrying Lisa Marie Presley a same-sex marriage??? I was almost positive it was….:)

    Anyhow, I totally agree. I don’t get what the big deal is. It’s all religious BS. My parents are absolutely disgusted by the idea of homosexuality. They refer constantly to Sodom and Gommorah, etc. They’d shit bricks if I ever introduced them to some of my exceedingly gay friends. I’d be guilty by association.

    I have an “aunt-in-law”. She’s INCREDIBLY republican, and is in the state government. She was very publicly against Oregon’s attempt to legalize gay marriage.

    Big problem w/ that is one of her sons is VERY gay.

    Let’s just say it caused a huge family drama, and I’m not sure they’re really speaking much. She’d never gotten on him (at least that we know of) about his gayness, which was a surprise, but I guess that bill showed how she REALLY felt, and he was very hurt.

    I don’t blame him.

  12. adena says:

    Oh, don’t say that you’re like that nasty nut filled bread (all analogies aside…I’m sure I love hypothetical nut bread.) I can’t stand the real stuff.

    So, if you’re like that bread, does that mean you’d get stuck in my teeth?? 🙂

  13. kilax says:

    I don’t know what to say. This is also something that affects people I know personally. I have friends who are – shock – gay! but act more moral and considerate than most of my “non-gay” friends.

    Restricting people from marrying who they love is not going to resolve anything – they will still love each other! Let them get married dammit!

  14. Karl says:

    You know, I must admit that up until a few years ago I would have totally disagreed with you. Never mind the same-sex marriage, I grew up thinking just being GAY was wrong. And I was an atheist until 10 years ago so I can’t blame religion (entirely) for that belief. Geez, there are about 5 different stories I could go into here. But I won’t.

    I was never rude or disrespectful to any gays, in fact I had some gay friends. I just didn’t think what they were “doing” was right. Anyhow…

    A few years ago I attended a 2-day therapy workshop for men. There were about 50 men there and a good number of them were gay. There were lectures to the entire group, of course, but throughout the weekend we also spread out into small discussion groups. And I came to know these men fairly well. Hell, I told them things about me that I’d never told ANYBODY, and I’m sure it was the same for them. Among lots of other topics and intimate details, sex was discussed. No big deal, it was a very comfortable, safe environment.

    What struck me was how similar our lives were. There were so many mirror’ings between my life and theirs. They’d been through painful relationships and breakups and heartaches just like I had. It just so happened that those relationships were with men, and mine were with women. A mere technicality.

    It was a great weekend for me in many ways. But that was the weekend I stopped looking at gays as men with some sort of deviant lifestyle, and I started just looking at them as men.

    Whew, sorry to be so long-winded there, but your post really touched me, Dave. Thanks.

  15. Michelle says:

    Hear! Hear!

  16. Jeff says:

    I love the extreme homophobics who eventually end up on the “The next thing you know people will be marrying goats!” square – as if same sex marriage will lead to polygamy which will somehow lead to marriage within different species.

  17. sandra says:

    Actually, to weigh in on this again — one of my best friends has been married to her wife for about two years now and has been with her for…I think six years or so. In any case, they have had to spend more money on legal fees than anyone would hope in order to make sure they’re covered if anything should happen to the other. It just seems like a load of crap, that two people who are honestly committed to each other can’t legally be so in most places…but friggin’ K-Fed can have babies!

  18. Nicole says:

    What I don’t understand (well, I guess I do understand, but I still think it’s stupid) is how afraid religious people are of homosexuality and same sex marriage. And I want to ask, what are they really afraid of?

    Two people, who love each other, want to be together. Period.

    But I went to a Christian high school and university and have seen first hand the bigotry people have for those who are different. And it’s not just people who are gay. I was the president of the college Democrats and I was told more times then I can count that I was going to hell. But I figure, what the hell, that’s where all the cool people will probably end up anyway. 🙂

  19. delmer says:

    The godparents for one of my boys are a gay couple.

    The state I live in — Ohio — voted to amend our state constitution to ban gay marriage. The whole thing sort of makes us the new Arkansas.

    When I’m out and about I don’t feel like I’m surrounded by rednecks, hillbillys and unwashed masses. And I remember hearing, about 15 years ago, that Coloumbus was known as a very gay-friendly city.

    We can’t get our crap together and fix the education system here … but gay folks wanting to get married — we’re all over that issue.

  20. Jon says:

    I am completely in favor of same-sex marriage, and firmly believe that most of the opposition to it is rooted in ignorance, homophobia, and/or conservative religious doctrine.

    I do not think any really compelling arguments exist against same-sex marriage, but here are the two best I have heard:

    1. If we allow same-sex marriage, it creates a bit of a line drawing problem. The “slippery slope” argument that same-sex marriage would lead to legalized bestiality and polygamy is way overblown. However, it is difficult to imagine how we would legislate against incestuous marriage if we allow same-sex marriage, because the arguments against each are so similar.

    We as a society are opposed to incestuous marriage for essentially three reasons. First, they are not conducive to reproduction. Second, they might not be conducive to the mental and emotional health of any children resulting from the marriage. Third, they are regarded by some as “unnatural” and/or distasteful. Those are the three main arguments against same sex marriage as well. If we allow same sex marriage (as we should), we are declaring those arguments invalid. How, then, would we justify preventing a father from marrying his daughter (assuming the daughter is an adult)? Or two adult siblings from marrying one another?

    2. If we allow same-sex marriage, all of a sudden a whole lot of people who are not currently entitled to certain benefits will become eligible for them. There is some concern about the burden this would place on the Social Security system, private insurance companies, employers who provide benefits to their employees, etc.

    To emphasize again: I do not think any compelling arguments against same sex marriage exist. These are the only two I have heard that have even a shred of validity to them.

  21. Mooselet says:

    What a great analogy, Dave! Kudos to you.

    If two people want to take on the challenge of marriage – and it is a challenge – then go for it baby!!! Personally, I think those who kick and scream about the “sanctity” of marriage are just afraid of being shown up.

    Marriage is a relatively recent thing in terms of history. Even in medieval Europe most couples simply pledged themselves to each other, and if they got around to getting a priest in to “marry” them it was a bonus, not a requirement. So the Bible arguement doesn’t hold a lot of weight with me.

  22. adena says:

    Well, honestly…the history of marriage in the bible isn’t that stellar, anyhow.

    Incest was rampant, you could kill a guy just to claim his wife as your own, if a man died, his wife autmatically became his brother’s property, etc…

    Um, yeah…THAT’S sanctity??

  23. Bec says:

    I was talking about this post at work and a little debate started up… well, it wasn’t so much a debate as an agreement voice in lots of different voices…

    But, said to say, for my weird little brain the one thing that kept popping back in was mmmmmmm…. toast…

  24. SJ says:

    I recently moved from California (an extremely open-minded and gay-friendly state, despite the idiots in the legislature) to Georgia (deep in the heart of the Bible Belt). I have been stunned senseless by the ways in which the lines between church and state are ignored here. It scares me. I don’t like being questioned about my church-going habits (and if I’m “comfortable” with my relationship with God) when I go to a neighborhood clinic to get a prescription. And how is it constitutional to declare it illegal to sell alcoholic beverages on Sundays because it’s the Sabbath? Whose Sabbath? Not 66% of the world’s.

    OK, that wasn’t about same-sex marriage, but it’s the same type of narrow-minded bigotry that’s anti-gay. And anywhere, any way, that it’s given the blessing of lawmakers scares me. It’s telling these people that it’s OK to discriminate against those who are different from you. A very frightening concept indeed.

    I learned this week that here in Georgia it’s illegal to sell or own sex toys. WTF?!?! Now what am I supposed to do with my collection of vintage vibrators?

  25. Chaz says:

    This is a rather heated topic, and it’s understandable that people will fall on both sides of the fence. However, what it all boils down to is really a case of what people find to be socially acceptable. That’s it.

    Those that disagree simply find gay marriage to be socialy unacceptable, and that’s it. And if they feel that way, why would they want gay marriage to be allowed? If it were legalized, it gives legitimacy to a lifestyle those who are opposed find socially unacceptable, and it would defy logic for them to be in favor of it. I don’t think, however, that this makes them somehow ignorant, but it does mean their views are different than those who support more liberal social policy.

    Heck, I’m sure nudists would love to have public nudity legalized everywhere, but I’m guessing most people wouldn’t find that socially acceptable. By the same token, there would be a lot of people that would love it, too. However, those who disagree with that aren’t ignorant, but they just don’t find it socially acceptable. On the other hand, those who do agree aren’t ignorant either but, once again, just think differently.

    Yes, I know that the whole nudism thing probably poses potential health and safety risks and isn’t exactly the same, but it was purely an illustrative example. I’m not advocating one side or the other, but I’m just really trying to point out what I think is at the heart of this issue.

  26. Dave2 says:

    The thing for me is that the rules have to be applied equally to everybody. To single anybody out is unfair.

    If the law is “nobody can walk around nude in public” then the law applies to everybody equally and is a fair law whether you agree that nudity is okay or not.

    If the law were “nobody can be married” then the law would apply to everybody equally and is a fair law whether you agree that marriage is okay or not.

    But that’s not the way it is.

    The law as it is now is singling out specific people and saying that they are not entitled to the benefits and happiness that other people are entitled to. That’s not fair. It’s like saying everybody can walk around nude EXCEPT people with blue eyes.

    What is REALLY comes down to is whether or not you believe that homosexuals are born that way or it is a lifestyle choice. Because if they are born homosexual… or something within them causes them to become homosexual… then they don’t have any more choice in the matter than people have over their skin or eye color. Discrimination in this case is illegal by any definition.

    In order for the argument against same-sex marriage to be valid, you would have to prove that homosexuals CHOOSE to be homosexual. THEN you could compare being gay to being a nudist… because you have a choice in the matter.

    Given our separation of church and state, one can’t point to The Bible and use it as conclusive evidence against “natural” homosexuality. Yet this is the argument which most everybody against same-sex marriage will use. But this is simply not enough in the eyes of the law to deny homosexuals the same shot at happiness that everybody else gets.

    Personally, I wouldn’t care if it were a choice (like choosing to be married). The people I know who are being discriminated against are kind, hard-working individuals who contribute to society and pay their taxes. For WHO THEY ARE to be branded nothing more than a “lifestyle choice” makes me very sad.

    In the end, allowing two men or two women to marry doesn’t hurt anybody else. If somebody finds it “socially unacceptable” that’s fine. People are free to feel as they wish. I find spitting in public places to be “socially unacceptable” and yet I’m not going to go out and campaign against spitters getting married. 🙂

    I remain hopeful that eventually everybody will learn to accept others and live together in peace. It’s not a realistic goal to have, but I choose to believe in it even so.

  27. Chanakin says:

    Ya know… there’s only one group of people who are adamantly against it – and last time I checked, this group’s cause brought more anguish and despair than anything ever introduced in all of history.

  28. Chaz says:

    Dave, I agree with everything you’ve said on the topic. I know a number of gay individuals who are wonderful people, and in fact, I would not have even know their sexual orientation it not been made known to me. I don’t treat them any differently than I do anyone else, and as you said everyone should be treated fairly and equally.

    However, I also understand that people are not going to support something they don’t believe in (whether that is right or wrong is another issue entirely), and given that there’s no conclusive evidence (at least not that I know of) to show that being gay is or is not genetic, I can’t fault anyone for feeling that it is a “lifestyle” and not supporting it. Nor can I can’t fault anyone for believing it’s genetic and supporting it.

    I just think that those who aren’t supporting it feel it is a lifestyle choice that they don’t want to support. That’s all.

  29. ms. sizzle says:

    um dave? it could be because i have had a couple glasses of wine but. . .i think this post made me fall a little bit in love with you.

    i mean- toast and support of gay marriage?! yay!

    (don’t worry, i will sober up soon enough and come to my senses.)

    (wait…does that sound mean? i don’t mean it to.)

    🙂 sizz

  30. claire says:

    I think a lot of people who are against gay marriage reduce it to a question of Values. It becomes some moral imperative to impose their values/view of what’s right onto everyone else for their own good. That makes it seem like the right thing to do and makes it easy for people to justify to themselves.

    You’re right though, Dave. The anti-gay marriage laws out there are discriminatory and unfair.

  31. Eve says:

    Like Jeff said, people like to use the fallacy “Should we let people marry goats?”

    Hmm…how about this: Let the two consenting same-sex adults marry if they so chose, and stop dragging the animals into this. Because, as it happens, people are ALREADY marrying their goats as well as having lots of pre-martial non-consentual sex with said goats. See I Now Pronounce You Man and Goat for references.

  32. margalit says:

    As a resident of the first state to legalize same sex marriage, we’ve had thousands of gay weddings in our state in the past year. Thousands. And yet, miraculously, opposite sex marriage still continues unabated, life goes on, and nothing appears to be different. Everything FEELS the same, except my kid’s friends who are the children of same sex marriages now have two parents that they can depend upon instead of one parent never being legally responsible for the children.

    Our state still has naysayers and the asshole governor ROMNEY, the evil pig of state government, still is trying to put it on the ballot for repeal. I hate him and ANYONE that supports him for his run for presidency should be shot. And I’d be clapping.

  33. amamgets says:

    Okay, now I’m going to have to go pull one of my favorite cartoons regarding same-sex marriage off my “Read This!” post place in the kitchen (which is actually the front of an armoire that got in my way during some past presidential election)–

    ANYWAY I’ll post it on my blog. Go see (but you don’t have to post this on yours).

    BTW, Lily seems pretty frackin’ bright to me. Extrapolation and all that…

  34. suze says:

    I’m with sandra on this one. If k-fed and britney-ho can marry and procreate, who are we to deny that right to anyone….

  35. RisibleGirl says:

    That was a WONDERFUL analogy. I’m going to have to steal it for IRL conversations. Of course, I’ll give you credit (snicker).

    I’m with you on this one.

  36. ken says:

    As a Christian, you would expect that I wpould be against gay marriage. However, not only am I not totally convinced that is indeed a sin, but I believe that even if it is, the Christian community, as well as any other group, should not try to impose their own beliefs on anybody else. You are right in the fact that a marriage between two people of the same sex, or for that matter, between three or four people, would make no difference in my own life. I have voiced the opinion in the past that all people, Christian or not, need to quit judging, and start accepting one another. On the side, I enjoy your postings. I do not always agree with everything you say, but I do agree with a lot. Keep it up! Ken

  37. LarryB says:

    Wow, what a great post, Dave, probably one of your finest.

    Of course, I could easily see someone interpreting you as endorsing allowing people to marry baked goods, up to and including Hot Cross Buns. And exceptional freaks hooking up with Jalapeno Bread and (gasp!) Boston Cream Donuts.

    Today it’s toast, tomorrow the whole bakery’s in danger!

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