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Dumbasses

Posted on Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006

Dave!I am most assuredly jealous.

Everybody seems to have a book except me. Cavan has a book. James has a book. Pauly has a book. Bunches of other bloggers are working on books. Yet I have no book to call my own.

So I've decided to write a book.

At first I was going to write an autobiography. I am a fascinating guy with a fascinating life who has a story that simply must be told. But a book about my life would be at least 1600 pages and take years to write (and that's just Volume One!). I want something simple. Something desperately missing from society that I can easily construct. Something I can release quickly for the benefit of all mankind.

But what?

So here I am this morning, deleting a particularly vicious piece of hate-mail from my inbox, when it hits me. Everybody has heard of Dummies Books. But what about people who are stupider than dummies? Where are the books for them? There is a huge segment of the population with no book to tell them what to do... such as the moron who sent me the hate-mail for example. Where's his book? A Dummies Book would be way over his head, so I guess there isn't one.

At least until now...

How to Eat Shit and Die for Dumbasses Book

Yes! When Dummies Books are just too smart, it's time for DUMBASSES BOOKS!

I can use my vast intellect to educate total dumbasses by using small words and lots and lots of pictures! Finally there will be guides for every day situations that some people are just too damn stupid to understand... like not driving in the passing lane and how to mind your bratty kids when taking them out in public...

Dumbass Books

And what about all the dumbass politicians out there? They probably need these books more than anybody. Just look at how badly they keep f#@%ing up everything. That's why I'll be writing Dumbasses Books just for them! So now when your senator approves a bill that slashes health care so he can afford to vote himself a raise, there will be a book you can send so that he understands this makes him a complete tool. Dumbass books for dumbass politicians. A brilliant concept if there ever was one...

Dumbass Books

The possibilities are endless. I can think of hundreds of Dumbasses Books that are needed immediately, and I'm sure there are hundreds more that I haven't even thought of yet.

Sweet! These totally have "New York Times Best Seller" written all over them.


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Comments

  1. Bre says:

    Ooooh I’d like to preorder a large quantity of “Driving in the Correct Lane for Dummies” so that I can throw them onto the cars that I have to pass on the left because they do not understand simple concepts. Maybe a sequel “Using Your Turn Signal for Dummies” would be helpful too!

  2. doctawife says:

    Can I be a co-author on watching baseball live? I’ve already started a series of rules for dumbasses (link provided above), and you can take all of the profits! Pluuezzz?

  3. Bre says:

    and clearly, by “pass on the left” I meant “pass on the right” but couldn’t see through the red haze of rage clearly enough to write coherently. yeesh.

  4. Tink says:

    Dave you are a GENUIS…please let me know when the books are done so i can start passing them out to people at work…..

  5. Karl says:

    Is it time for the Dumbasses Grassroots Book Marketing Campaign? Count me in.

  6. Kevin says:

    If it’s any consolation, I’d buy ’em. The whole friggin’ library of ’em.

    Anyone else notice how the little Dave/middle finger photo at the beginning sorta looks like Ed Norton circa American History X? Just with a little more head hair? Shave the pic of Dave and you’ve got Norton. Uncanny.

  7. Jeff says:

    I would buy cases of “Minding Your Kids in Public” set up a stand in the mall and distribute them for free. It would be the right thing to do. It would be my mission.

  8. Troy says:

    I’d support you Dave. I likely wouldn’t buy any for myself (since I’m not a dumbass) but I could think of some people who should own a whole collection :)

  9. Chag says:

    You need an agent. Quick! I know at least ten people who need copies of Minding Your Kids In Public for Dumbasses.

  10. mikey says:

    I have a title for you “Cell Phone Educate For DumbASSES”

  11. ms. sizzle says:

    who in the hell would send you hate mail? bastards!

    great idea- completely profitable. go for it! :)

    p.s. i agree with kevin about the norton thing.

  12. Dave2 says:

    Bre: I think that the Department of Motor Vehicles should be required by law to purchase my books and hand them out to everybody who applies for a license. Just think of how much better it would be out on the roads?

    Doctawife: Given the sheer number of Dumbasses Books that need to be written, I really should get me some co-writers. Thanks for the offer!

    Tink: I’m thinking that each book should also be available as an e-book so you can simply email them out to annoying stupid people.

    Karl: I think these books will sell themselves! Bookstores won’t be able to keep them on the shelf! :-)

    Kevin: Somewhere on this earth, Ed Norton is crying. I pity anybody who has their looks compared to mine! :-)

    Jeff: Welcome to Daveology. Spreading the gospel according to Dave is a mandate that everybody can enjoy!

    Troy: I’m sure if you thought about it long enough, just about EVERYBODY YOU KNOW could use at least one of the books! Remember, you aren’t being mean here… you’re just trying to help!

    Chag: Yeah, that’s a big problem. Every time I see some kid going ape-shit in the mall while their parent is on a mobile phone, I want to beat both of them.

    Mikey: That would have to be a 5-volume series. I’d start with “Times to Turn Off Your Mobile Phone for Dumbasses” and finish up with “Choosing a Ringtone That’s Not Going to Annoy the Shit Out of People for Dumbasses”.

    Ms. Sizzle: Are you kidding? I get at least one piece of hate-mail every week. There’s always somebody who decided they don’t like my opinion, and feels the need to send nasty email (usually anonymously). One day I’ll get an email telling me I’m homophobic because I called the Lord of The Rings Hobbits “gay”… then the next day I’ll get an email calling me a “fag-lover” because I support gay marriage. Yesterday I got an email from somebody telling me I would burn in hell for putting Pat Robertson on my “Are You Insane?” chart. Apparently my opinion that a religious leader who calls for assassination of foreign heads of state being crazy is not widely accepted (though, where Pat is concerned, that’s really just the tip of the iceberg).

  13. Rabbit says:

    I think you’ve really got something here with those books.

    And don’t worry about the hate mail. Only the brilliant, popular bloggers receive hate mail.

  14. kilax says:

    Can you also write “How to use your turn signal,” “Keeping your personal business personal,” and “How not be a pushy Christian bitch”? Thanks Dave, I appreciate it!

  15. Genius.

    Can we place bulk orders?

  16. delmer says:

    Here’s one directly for me: Ordering your Blogography T-Shirts for Dumbasses.

    (I am nothing if not self-deprecating.)

    I told the boys I’d ordered their shirts. They’re pumped.

  17. Lyvvie says:

    I would also like a dozen copies of lane driving for dummies. Do you think you could muster up a “How to use crosswalks for Dummies!” but target specific for the elderly. Scotland has a problem with geriatric bonnet bouncers.

  18. Nicola says:

    Dave2, I’m thinking the driving lane one would go down a treat. But I have one request, don’t let them sell them at the airports, otherwise everyone will end up driving in our passing lane…. Or…. do a second version “how to use the passing lane – UK/Australia Version” (and other backward countries)…

    Hrm, on second thoughts, I think the dummasses will have trouble enough with the original version….

  19. Rikki says:

    ooooohhh so let me be the first to stand in the book line! I greatly desire to share your knowledge with all the PWT that surround me here in this redneck-hicktown-pro-Dr-Spockville who just can’t seem to figure out how to raise their seed to become anything other than alcoholic-needle-riddled criminals…

  20. ChillyWilly says:

    I’m with Lyvvie on the lane driving book. I could easily pass out several dozen per day for the many drivers here in Utah that, at the last minute, decide that it’s not the right lane they want but the left lane, stopping traffic as they cross 3 lanes in one car length, just because they were too stupid to get over sooner and too lazy to drive ahead and turn around.

    As for the hate mail, these are people that don’t want you to know who they are and why they troll the net for comments that piss them off just so they can fire an email to the author of the comment.

    Pat Robertson… I think there are others that are just as insane, but I’d be hard pressed to think of any off the top of my head.

    For some fun with hypocritical TV evangelists, listen to the song “Miracle Man” by Ozzy Osbourne. Paints Jimmy Swaggert in a not-so-pretty light.

  21. Michelle says:

    One problem, Dumbasses dont read books. Maybe a pamphlet/comic book style. Small enough so we can carry them around and hand them out to the dumbasses we meet. You would be doing the world a great service.

    P.S. Can you include an illistration where the dumbass does something stupid again and meets a gristly death.

  22. Jacynth says:

    Ab fab. I would like to request a book entitled, “Personal space in a public space, especially Chinatown. For Dumbasses.”

  23. Cavan says:

    You know, with the possible issue of the Dummies people suing you for cover copyright violation, (the concept isn’t trademarked – in Canada we have Idiot’s Guides, too), you could totally write and publish these.

    What’s more, I bet they’d sell, too.

  24. Nicole says:

    Dave, I think you’ve got a great idea here. I’d also like to see an edition called “Driving the Speed Limit for Dumbasses”.

    I’m with Karl, count me in when its time for the Dumbasses Grassroots Book Marketing Campaign.

  25. Alexis says:

    Hey, I always drive in the passing lane…but then I’m always passing everyone, so I really am using it for it’s intended purpose. Maybe I wouldn’t have to if everyone on I-5 wasn’t driving with their buttcheeks, 10 miles under the speed limit, while talking on a cell, putting on makeup, and hunting for a CD under the passenger seat.

    Maybe you could make a special Driving I-5 for Dumbasses edition…with an extra special bonus extended chapter: “Driving in the Rain: you live in the Northwest, so it’s not like you’ve never done it before – WHY CAN’T YOU LEARN?!?!”

  26. Troy says:

    Here’s another one for “Biking for Dumbasses”. I think my favorite section would be “The sidewalk is not to be used as a “red-light” bypass – stay on the road dumbass”!!!

  27. Annette says:

    Once again, Dave rules! Maybe you could preface the series with, You Might Be a Dumbass If….

  28. RW says:

    Hmmm… don’t just joke about it. I actually think this is your series.

    As soon as I saw it my eye popped.

    Seriously.

  29. Bec says:

    Minding Your Kids In Public – yes please! It should become mandatory reading for all new parents, especially the ones who spawned the little buggers round here!

    Mind you it would probably have to come on CD as I’m not entirely sure they have the mental capacity to read…

  30. Janet says:

    Perhaps with each book you could include “Don’t You Know How To Read?” Flash cards, just in case, they don’t.

    And I would like to suggest a book title as well. “Is it Food or not? For Dumbasses.” I anxiously await your first publications.

  31. Phil says:

    You need to publish: “Pregnancy Prevention for Dumbasses”!

  32. Metro says:

    The possibilities really are endless. Finally a leader of the dumbass masses. Hail! Dave! Czar of the Dumbasses! Here’s an important edition to your collection that you forgot: “Suicide Made Easy for Dumbasses”

  33. Mooselet says:

    How about “Common Courtesey in Public for Dumbasses”? Or “Reading Road Signs for Dumbasses”? They definately need to come with lots of pictures and large print for their target audience. I’d order heaps and pass them out like candy at Christmas.

  34. Karen Rani says:

    Oh man, you are so hilarious – and talented – those look so real!

  35. margalit says:

    How about Cell Phone Manners for Dumbasses? I’d certainly buy a case or two of that book and distribute it to all the jackasses who are so busy on the phone they drive like maniacs.

    And (said in a whisper) I’ve actually written a Dummy book in real life. How mortifying, huh?

  36. LarryB says:

    I’d also propose:
    “Getting Through Airport Security Quickly For Dumbasses”
    “Buying Groceries Without A Check For Dumbasses”
    “How to Pump Gas For Dumbasses”
    “Personal Grooming in Private For Dumbasses”

    You could mix up the balloon quote a bit.

  37. Grins says:

    Ohhh you’ll be richer than Bill Gates. Could you include one on how to tell if you belong in the express check out lane?

  38. Troy says:

    Oh and “Using the ATM to pay bills effectively and quickly for Dumbasses” or even better “How to withdraw money from an ATM in under 1 minute for dumbasses”.

  39. Avitable says:

    Being President for Dumbasses
    and
    Invading for Dumbasses

    Those would be good ones, too.

  40. Jeff says:

    Holy crap these are good suggestions!

  41. Brittopia says:

    Veronica Mars = can I say beaver? he’s been psuedo-the-man with Kendall? I think the’s voice #3 plus the man with the action? But do I think he’s this season’s big bad vis-a-vis the bus crash? No – all signs point to Mr. Aaron Echols. The BS with the trial point to him. I’m sorry, have we ever heard of HIPAA, writers? Confidentiality for health information? Please.

  42. Jacquie says:

    You’re an absolute genious!

  43. Once you become rich from cornering the Dumbass market which we know is massive. What will you do next?

    Great idea if you need input for Conversing with Others for Dumbasses let me know.

  44. Wayne Hall says:

    Dave, Don’t you mean you’re writing your Autoblogography?

    Kevin/Dave2/Sizzle: I actually thought this WAS Edward Norton’s blog, but that this whole Dave thing was his alias. Or that Dave was doing a two-fer and actually fooling us by making blogography the Lost Blog of Edward Norton.

    My dumbass book ideas*:

    “Constructively critizing a conservative without seventeen megatons of hate” for liberals^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hdumbasses

    “Minding your own business when I discipline my kids that need minding” for dumbasses

    “Spending your own money” for politicians^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hdumbasses

    “Learning to help others yourself instead of relying on government to do it for you” for lazy whiners^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hdumbasses

    * What I love about that sentence is that it totally reads two ways. Excellent!

    Dave, when you do end up publishing these books, please do a book tour. You’d sell tons of shirts, books, pins, whatnot. And come to Austin. Austin’s way liberal. I’ll hook you up with some pulled pork BBQ, a tour of GWB’s old offices, and my wife and I will take you on a dinner cruise to see the Austin bats vacate Congress bridge while we read you your Astrological study (I still haven’t forgotten my promise on that).

  45. Dave2 says:

    Wow… that’s quite an “evening of horrors” tour you’ve got lined up there! Except the bats thing. I love bats! :-)

  46. Kathy Timanus says:

    I was sitting at my computer again as usual trying to find more ways of making money online other than just doing paid surveys. I got to thinking what a dumbass I am and how messed up my life is like never before. So I decided to type in e-book for dumbasses in the websearch bar…and low and behold, here I am…lol!

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