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Posted on Tuesday, August 8th, 2006

Dave!Having a blog can sometimes be insanely strange in ways you would never suspect. Well, I never suspect it because I can't believe that people bother to read Blogography in the first place, but mostly because of the reactions I get from some of the people who do read it. I get the most bizarre, odd, scary, freaky, and otherwise disturbing emails and comments that you could possibly imagine. For the most part, I just don't care, because the nice comments and emails more than make up for the few nut-jobs who try their best to spoil things. But every once in a while something comes along that baffles me completely.

Take last week, for instance.

As I mentioned before, this past March one of my totally sweet blogger-friends, Kachina, wrote a very nice entry singing my praises and talking about how much she enjoys Blogography. It was titled "Things I Think Are Great: Number One" and, apparently, is part one in a one-part series. It's understandable that she never wrote a "Number Two" because she started with ME... arguably one of the greatest things ever... and had nowhere to go but downhill.

Dave's Coke with Lime

Anyway, after reading such wonderful things about myself, I was compelled to leave a comment...

I wish I possessed even a tiny amount of humility so that I could at least pretend to be humbled by such kind praise, but my ego simply doesn't allow for it.
As it turns out, I AM totally great.
If I weren't me, I'd be wishing I was me. But since I am me, I just have to be satisfied with wishing I was more me than I am right now. If I were three times more me than I am, I think I'd be pretty much perfect.

Now, when I write smart-assed crap like that, I assume that people understand I am being sarcastic.

Apparently, this is not the case.

Because while I was goofing off working in Seattle last week, I received an email telling me that they had been referred to my blog by Kachina's entry and felt they had to set the record straight. Among the highlights were...

  • I am not particularly good-looking.
  • I am not particularly funny.
  • I am not particularly nice.I am not a very good vegetarian if my diet includes Coke with Lime.
  • In short, there are many other people I should be wishing to be other than me.

Uh huh.

It's almost as good as the time I wrote about constructing a 50-story tall monument to myself made out of Italian marble with a roller coaster, movie theater, revolving restaurant, and sacrificial altar inside. I immediately received a comment telling me that my recent travel problems were a direct result of my wanting people to idolize me, and that I was "stealing glory from God" and incurring His divine wrath.

Yeah, I deleted that one.

So now I am trying to come up with a way to let people know that I am being a sarcastic ass when they are just too dense to realize it. Because when there is somebody out there who thinks I am actually planning on demolishing Mt. Rainier National Park so I can build a 50-story tall monument to myself, well, obviously something needs to be done.

Because hunting them down and giving them a nice bitch-slapping is way too much work.

Categories: Blogging 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. adena says:

    Wait. I’m confused. How, exactly, is lime Coke not Vegan friendly?…..

    And, um…sarcasm…OBVIOUS. People are morons…seriously.

  2. EDDIE says:

    Thoes biotches are just jealousy because you are
    a good vegetarian
    and they forgot this-

  3. karla says:

    Um, Dave?

    I must correct you one one thing.

    The only thing better than being you is being me.

    Seriously. Other than that you are quite spectacular. Just not as spectacular as me. Hey, we all make mistakes. (Well, except me.)

    Luv ya babe.

  4. Dave says:

    Incurring the wrath of God, ha, I would have enjoyed reading that post.

  5. Kyra says:

    Hmm… Well, you have that cute “blog rating” I saw earlier. How about a button/graphic warning, something they can reference from the sidebar?

    You can make a “DUH!” button for these people, so whenever they see it, they are alerted to the fact that it is tongue-in-cheek/sarcasm (or that they should just go ahead and bitch-slap themselves in advance. You know, whatever works… Oh, and you can have a bitch-slap rating! “Please be advised, this is a THREE bitch-slap related post. Please administer accordingly.”


  6. Bre says:

    I don’t understand how someone could read the comment you left and not understand the sarcasm! Who on Earth would leave a comment like that, or post about a monument to themselves in all seriousness?!

  7. Jenny says:

    Well, yeah Dave – everyone knows that Coke with Lime is made from baby seals and bald eagle heads. How can you even drink it?! Expect a call from PETA very soon…

  8. Jon says:

    Dave Barry wrote a column once about people like that, who take everything he writes literally even when he is clearly being facetious or sarcastic. He referred to those people as “humor impaired” and, just to be accommodating, did one column that was “captioned for the humor impaired.” After each line, he inserted another line in [ALL CAPS AND BRACKETS] explaining what he really meant. It was pretty freaking hilarious, but I’m sure his “humor impaired” readers continued to miss the point.

    Unfortunately, dumbasses like that are out there and insist on expressing themselves.

  9. Chase says:

    Mmmmmm. False idols.

  10. adena says:

    You’re such a slut, Chase….lusting after Graven Images… 🙂

  11. Kevin says:

    Hmmm… how about a DaveToon of him holding a sign reading “Smart Ass Alert”?

  12. yellojkt says:

    As long as your 50 foot tall statue doesn’t block the view of my 100 foot tall one, we can let you keep your petty delusions of grandeur.

  13. !!

    Oh my goodness!

    *makes face of vedexness* I feel compelled to apologize – due to my limited circulation, I can only suppose that came from one of my idiot non-friends trying to start some kind of pissing match.

    Do you understand the Coke with lime remark? That’s piqued my interest.

    I’m not one for old chesnuts of wisdom, but that does make me wonder if more people shouldn’t be alerted that “if you can’t say anything nice, you shouldn’t say anything at all?”

  14. Avitable says:

    F#@% the idiots and morons. There is no way for you to appropriately convey sarcasm in a way that they will get it. Good sarcasm is always confused for truth by a small percentage of retards.

    I think a better solution would be to start posting the emails with email addresses or blog addresses and deriding them for being unable to understand sarcasm.

  15. Walt says:


    I must be losing my mind. I spent the past five minutes refreshing your page to see the Davetoon at the top change. I like Biker Dave. I’ve had my eye on the BMW 1200RT for a year now. I’m itching to pick one up but they are so expensive and I’m so cheap. I’ve been looking at used to cut the cost but if BMW bikers are like the BMW car drivers I’m not sure I want a used one. There’s just something unsettling about paying that much for one already farted up!

  16. Yeah, I know everyone commented on the coke thing already. But I just had to chime in on it too…

    If you really had the 50-story monument, I’d want to be you too!!!

  17. ms. sizzle says:

    it is hard to translate tone but anyone reading your blog for a couple of days would (should!) pick up on the fact that you wave the sarcastic wand around like a wizard. and it is part of your charm.

    that person has it all wrong! other people should be wishing to be you each night in their bedtime prayers. 🙂

  18. Eve says:

    Obviously, I’d really like to understand that Coke with Lime comment.

    You know, even if I thought a blogger was conceited, I wouldn’t take the time out to criticize them. I know that oftentimes sarcasm doesn’t translate through the written word, so I normally just go under the assumption that everyone is sarcastic.

    But, honestly, you might want to stop stealing all that glory from God. Seriously, God gets pissed at shit like that. It’s like a commandment, even.

    The Great One

  19. Firda says:

    Maybe you should make the text blinking when you make a sarcatic remark. You know, to enhance the sarcasm.

  20. Troy says:

    Some people don’t understand sarcasm, and even more people have a “conservative” sense of humour, which requires a punchline for something to be funny.

    Your sense of humour is very similar to mine, which can’t be said for your musical tastes 🙂

  21. Debbie says:

    I have to fall in and agree with the above when it comes to just how someone could be so..sarcasm blind as to miss that because hell that is just plain funny.

    I love a bit of sarcasm and slap it round like a wet fish but last year I lived with someone who just could not/would not understand sarcasm and it led to some very ‘interesting’ situations.

    When you have your 50ft monument up and running can I suggest those kinds of people be the first to christen the sacraficial alter? The gene pool would thanks us 😉

  22. Ariana says:

    Let’s just have pity on those poor souls wandering around this world who have no sense of humor, shall we? Can you imagine what a miserable existence that would be? Tragic, really.

    In response to those Negative Nellies who leave you nasty comments I would say:

    1. your wit + humor + good looks = HOT/SEXY
    2. you’re not funny…you’re HILARIOUS
    3. you are very nice. I know this because I’ve met you in person.
    4. Anyone who wishes to be someone other than him/herself is downright pathetic.

  23. Laurence says:

    Concerning blogs, we have the choice :
    – To take something literally (in French : Prendre quelque chose au 1er degré)
    – OR Not to take something literally ( OU Prendre quelque chose au 2ème degré).
    I prefer the French version because I think blog is not to be taken literaly (ou mieux Blog est à prendre au 3ème et 4ème degré, s’il existe un 3ème ou 4ème degré !!!).
    We need an extraordinary amount of criticism and self-criticism to make a blog. I confirm Eddie sayings (he stole me my comment :-). And I add that you have also this necessary critical and self-critical sense.
    I want now to quote Somerset Maugham, but I do not have the english version (sorry) :
    “L’artiste, et c’est en quoi il se distingue du commun des mortels, offre en pâture aux sarcasmes non seulement son physique et son moral, mais son oeuvre.”

  24. Walt says:


    Will the emergency exits consist of a slide out the front or backside of your monument? How about the fly of despair! Or the emergency asscape!

  25. Göran says:

    Look at it this way: It takes a genius to stir up all that emotion 🙂

  26. suze says:

    <sarcasm> what? you? sarcastic? I never would have guessed. </ sarcasm>

  27. Mocha says:

    I find this particularly disturbing because I didn’t even realize that you were trying for funny. Holy crap! All this time I’ve taken everything soooo seriously and have had bad thoughts about you (bad, not impure – don’t get your hopes up) and have been praying novenas for you at 6:00 a.m. mass every morning.

    What a waste of time that was.

    I get it now. You were being sarcastic.


    Also, Chase really is a slut.

  28. lizriz says:

    Dude, you have to use the winky smily face. This lets people know you are kidding.

    😉 Liz

  29. Dave2 says:

    When I am writing to a single person, I liberally sprinkle smileys to get my point across. I use them all the time in comments, for example.

    However, I don’t really like the idea of using them in my blog entries themselves and I don’t really know why. It just “feels” wrong. Like a cop-out or something? Well, not really… but they bother me for some reason.

    All I know is that I would rather express myself in my writing without using a smiley “shortcut.” The fact that I am obviously not doing a good job of it doesn’t deter me! 🙂

  30. kilax says:

    Maybe you just need a “sarcasm” label posted on every page, similar to your R-rating a few posts ago…

  31. Dave2 says:

    That would have to be a permanent fixture at the top of every page because, let’s face it, when am I NOT sarcastic! 😛

  32. nicole says:

    Well look at all the assf#@%s you run into just out and about when you’re traveling. The internet is idiot heaven. Just keep on deleting! I laugh at people who are so stupid they just don’t get it. Must get tiring working at the Burger King.

  33. Kirkkkitsch says:

    meh….some people will never ‘get’ it. I came to terms with that a long time ago. Don’t waste your time trying to add a laugh track to signal those ‘tards as to when and for how long to laugh. Flush ’em like the turds they are.

    God Bless You,

    -Kirk 🙂

  34. Lore says:

    Hi, I just found you about five minutes ago. I was looking for a picture of a hot pocket on google but I found you instead.

    You’re better than the hot pocket picture, fo sho.

    I love you.

  35. Rabbit says:

    While instant messaging a guy that was interested in me, I had to start putting all my sarcastic comments in another color so he knew not to take me literally. This was only a temporary fix, of course. Once I realized how truly dumb he had to be, all my comments wound up in the second color. Then he was confused again.

  36. Mrs RW says:

    I think the Dave monument should be a tourist attraction: charge admission, have Dave-related souvenirs (keychains, bumper stickers “I saw Dave!”, t-shirts) and a vegetarian snack bar (no Coke w/lime). Make a zillion dollars, buy out Apple and be not only the Mac whore but the Mac King!!

  37. Kristy says:

    Your 50 foot tall monument entry was the best one ever! The only thing you forgot was a branch monorail from the Seattle Center. Then it would have been perfect. Yes, I said it: perfect!

  38. delmer says:


    This entry had me laughing. It’s a shame you aren’t funny.

    Regarding your level of good-lookingness: I can’t help you out there … aside from Tom Selleck (a person I can tell is handsome and a fine example of manliness) all guys sort of look the same to me. Which, I guess, puts you in the same class as Brad Pitt.

    (I’m certain that if you were ever incarcerated you’d be snapped up in a minute. Does that help?)

  39. ChillyWilly says:

    I guess a simple LOL or ;-0 would help the newbie trolls see you are being funny or sarcastic, but I say if people aren’t willing to stick around and see your style and continue reading your blog, then don’t make any changes. Those of us that can tell the difference between writ and wit are satisfied.

    As for this:
    “I immediately received a comment telling me that my recent travel problems were a direct result of my wanting people to idolize me, and that I was “stealing glory from God” and incurring His divine wrath.

    Sometimes it’s hard to imagine people out there like this, but I guess they are “out there”. Now if we only had some sort of detector… like those famous bullshit detectors that most of us have.

  40. Chase says:

    Dammit. I wondered why so many people were clicking through to my site from this page. I get back here and everyone is calling me a slut.

    All you people can just suck it!

    (And then, um, come over later, because I’m totally a slut and I want you all in the worst way. Thanks.)

  41. Dave2 says:

    Hey! I never called you a slut! Why should I have to suck it?!?

  42. Kevin says:

    What’s even better is that she’s a FUN slut! I loves me some Chase!

  43. Pauly D says:

    A lot of people I know in LA have been asking me if I knew you and that the word on the street was that you were sort of full of yourself.

    But now that I’ve read this I will call them back and tell them I was wrong.

  44. Dave2 says:

    Wow… if somebody in L.A. thinks I am full of myself, that is really saying something!

    I guess next time I yell at the valet who ran over my suitcase at the W, I’ll go ahead and tip him anyway so that rumors like this don’t get started. 🙂

  45. jali says:

    You’re too sexy for this blog, too sexy for this blog, too sexy…

    The song just came to mind as I waited for the comments to load. I’m impulsive like that – I just write what I think.

    There always will be IDIOTS who don’t get the joke.

    Will everything be “to scale” on the 50 foot statue?

  46. sultana says:

    I have an idea….a link to the online version of Reading Blogography for Dumbasses 😉

  47. Ariana says:

    To Sultana and Dave…Reading Blogography for Dumbasses. Great concept. I think there’s a real good market out there for something like that.

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