When I got back from my trip yesterday, I was understandably exhausted. It took seven hours to get to Chicago O'Hare where I spent 9 hours waiting to do something that took 5 minutes, only to have to turn around and spend another seven hours getting back home. After working for a couple of hours, I think I must have passed out, because I woke up at 8:00pm and didn't know where I was.
And so now my sleep schedule is going to be all messed up, and that sucks ass because I'm already battling insomnia. With nothing better to do while wide-awake at 1:00am, I thought I'd write up a summary of my trip. But that was boring, so I decided to to try telling my tales in verse. A pity I'm not much of a poet...
Ode to the dumbass who kept yelling "ARE YOU THERE?" "HELLO?" "ARE YOU THERE?" "HELLO?" "ARE YOU THERE?" at the airport check-in counter...
Mobile phones sure are swell,
Cellular technology is sly.
But if the connection makes you yell,
It's time to hang up or die.
Ode to the impossibly cute woman I saw sitting across from me in the food court at Chicago O'Hare International...
Your hair sets my heart aflame,
Your smile is devilish and fleeting.
Your brown eyes are calling my name,
A pity you pick your nose while eating.
Ode to the Reggio's Chicago-style pizza I ate for breakfast at the airport yesterday morning...
Cheese! So gooey and right!
Sauce! So flavorful and tight!
Crust! So buttery and light!
Your calories widen my butt.
Ode to the rude bitch in the seat ahead of me on the plane who crushed my kneecaps and nearly destroyed my laptop...
To recline slowly is courtesy,
To look behind first is kind.
To flop back indiscriminately,
Makes me want to beat your behind.
Ode to the "Right Bite" boxed meals that United Airlines sells in lieu of the in-flight meals you used to get...
Meals are no longer free,
$5 for a snack box insane.
Contents really do puzzle me,
Because tuna stinks up the plane.
Ode to the woman at the gas station who was wearing so much makeup that I had to wonder if there was a face under all of it...
Pants worn tightly.
Tits covered slightly.
Hair teased nightly.
You look like a whore.
Ode to the piece of crap motorist ahead of me on Blewett Pass who is obviously too old to still be driving...
Hey old man you're taking all day,
Oh why won't you let me pass?
Time to get the f#@% out of my way,
Or I'll crash into you then kick ass.
Hmmm... well that was a bad idea. Sorry. It won't happen again.
Gah! It's now 1:30am and I'm still not tired!! I am so going to be dragging my ass today.
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Very nice, not a bad effort considering the time of night! I especially like the Ode to the woman at the gas station, I think it captures something special about your mood at the time!
Try some haikus next time if you can’t be bothered, they seem to be easier to write.
Yeah. I’m first because my sleep schedule is already messed up, in perpetuity.
But Dave, you can’t be kicking old men’s asses. Really. You just can’t.
Unless you discover one of the last remaining nazi war criminals or something similar. I’ll consider exceptions on a case-by-case basis. But driving too slow? No. You just need a nap.
Also? What if–though it would surely never happen–but just what IF you saw Liz H. pick her nose? Deal-breaker? Or would you offer to pick it FOR her for the rest of her life?
I may be reading too much into your verses, but I think you may be a tad upset about your trip? Just a guess…
I think I’m going to print “Ode to the rude bitch in the seat ahead of me on the plane…” on little cards and hand them out whenever I fly.
Now I’ll be writing odes all day
I always have something to say
Good Ole Dave has shown me the way
To get shit offa my chest.
Just another case of your pain being our gain. Sleep well, soon.
OMG! I took United yesterday too and got that stupid snack box with the tuna! Oh, I felt so bad for everyone around me. Luckily there was a baby crying the entire flight so everyone was too busy grumbling about that to notice.
I will not be writing any more poetry, since you’ve kicked my ass with it.
Well done sir.
That’s actually poetry I LIKE!!
ha ha ha. that was hilarious. though that woman who might get an ass beating? she might like it! 😉 just warning ya.
Brilliant. The whore one is by far my favorite. Just lovely!
For what it’s worth, they made me giggle. Perhaps next time, you could do the whole thing limerick-style?
I work at a (whispers) call centre that uses mobiles. Can I ‘borrow’ the phone one and get it made up into a stamp to imprint on the sales team’s head?
Thank you for the smiles.
Regarding the seat recliner: I had a woman throwing herself into the back of her seat repeatedly trying to get it to recline. Of course, the fact she was banging into my knees meant it was never going to happen.
I can only ball up so tightly.
Your creative writing prof would be proud.
You did take creative writing classes in college so you could share your rhyming abilities with a “true” patron of the arts, right? Not just us.
Well, it’s no celebratory limmerick, but I still dug it…
Too bad you didn’t go to Nantucket. It would have made it sooo much easier!
Well, while my gravatar is being “rated,” I’ll post without a likeness of myself. I suppose I’ll get over it. Anyway, my favorite of the bunch was definitely the woman with too much makeup. I like the parallelism in that piece of literary genius. They were all great and informative. But more than that, putting your frustrations about the world into a creative outlet can be a very cathartic and healing process. I do hope you’ve recovered. I enjoy your blog, Brent
Oh my god, I will never be able to look at another California fakey fake golddigger again without thinking about your ode to the women at the gas station. Classic!
Love the poems Dave! They really cut straight to the heart.
And tuna…on an airplane? Seriously? That’s awful on so many levels.
“Ode to Woman at Gas Station” is a modern classic.
“take that cell from upon your ear,
try, try, just try to steer!”
i *heart* poems…this is a super postie dave!
Tuna fish on plane?
What were you thinking, airline?
Fish smell lingers long.
Man I suck at this…
i liked your ode to the cutey who picked her nose. there’s nothing like a good booger to turn a beauty into a beast.
haha these are great!
When people recline without concern for the folks behind them, it makes me wish I had a colicky 6 month old to torture them with….
I loved the one to the woman at the gas station too! Made me laugh out loud, which kind of made it obvious that I’m not actually doing much work. The best cure for insomnia is watching a really good film… especially one where you really want to know what happens at the end… cos then your body falls asleep just to piss you off! Sleep tight Dave.
FROM THE OFFICE OF DR. NIC
FOR: Dave
RE: Insomnia
PRESCRIPTION: One fifth Scotch: 4 oz. to be taken once before bedtime, and intermittently throughout the night, as needed.
Isn’t that how Keats got his start?