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Posted on Friday, October 13th, 2006


It's apple harvest season in the valley, which means that it must be time for the annual gnat plague which descends on us like the wrath of Lindsay Lohan's crotch.

The tiny bastards only live for a few days, but they make the most of what little time they have by being as annoying as possible. Just walking out to your car results in your being covered with bugs that can't be brushed off without smooshing their little carcasses into your clothing. Don't even get me started about the perils of breathing... having a gnat fly in your mouth or up your nose causes a major freak-out that'll ruin your day in a hurry.

I spend most of my time screaming like a little bitch and waving my arms around whenever I go outside...

Gnats Suck Ass!

Gnats suck ass!

Much like the television show Lost, but without the benefit of a short life span. Quite the opposite really... the shit just drags on and on and on. After giving up on the show, my friends kept insisting that things were different this third season and it's totally great now.

I believed them and watched the current episode.

My friends are lying bastards.

RULE TO GOOD TELEVISION #1: When you come up with a plot twist, the final result had damn well be better than the red herring you discarded. Back when I was watching, there were polar bears on the tropical island. It was strongly alluded to that the strangely misplaced bears were created by the mental powers of creepy little Walt. That would have been cool. But it turns out that the bears escaped from an old zoo on the other side of the island. Yeah, that's kind of lame.

Just like everything else on the show.

Two years later and nothing has really been wrapped up (except the polar bears, of course). They've just added more crap to an already convoluted mess. At its core, Lost is still the same mix of boring flashbacks (Sun and Jun had a terrible marriage... WE GET IT!!) and plot points (Dharma Project, The Others, Will Kate Choose Jack or Sawyer?) and stuff they've forgotten (smoke monsters, giant tree-crushing monsters, and just about everything else).


Want to impress me? WRAP IT UP! Answer ALL the questions and tie up ALL the loose ends... then come up with something that's MORE bad-ass and mysterious to keep the show interesting. Because hey, it works for Veronica Mars. Of course, with Veronica Mars, even THAT isn't good enough... they have to go back into already solved mysteries and make it so that everything you thought you knew was wrong! Genius!

But since that doesn't seem to be an option for this hideously bad show, I won't be tuning in to Lost again (nor any of the lamer next-gen imitators like Heroes, The Nine, Six Degrees, and whatnot). Large casts of inexplicably-connected people trying to solve mysteries that are never actually solved is not good television, it's just annoying.

Like the gnats.

I'd scream like a little bitch and wave my arms around if I thought it would help, but blogging about it is so much easier.

Categories: DaveToons 2006, Television 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. My grandfather called those “dog pecker gnats.” So gross.

    Is there only one rule to good television?

  2. ~jtm says:

    I’m growing weary of Lost myself… I think my biggest mistake was watching an entire season in the span of days. It made the whole show seem to move along a lot quicker. But yes…wrap it up already…

    We haven’t given up on Heroes yet but I’ve been watching Jericho and I can quickly see it going the way of Lost.

    Thanks for the tip on Betty, I’ve been catching it on the web.

  3. I have been drawn into Heroes and The Nine, as well as keeping a firm grasp on the endless Chinese fingertrap that is Lost. The thing is I know I’m being drawn into some convoluted mystery or overblown mythology, but much like the gnats that fly up people’s noses I just can’t stop myself. Waving my arms around and screaming only means I have to use the rewind on the DVR so I save the energy and just let it happen.

  4. Avitable says:

    Nice transition, from gnats to Lost. And I agree about Lost – I stopped watching when Jack revived Charlie back in season 1.

  5. This makes me soooo wish that you had audio. I want to hear the gnat-screaming bitch.

  6. kapgar says:

    It came from a zoo? Yeah, I’m not upset I’m missing this season.

  7. Hilly says:

    Thank you! I was just debating this with Karl yesterday and he told me he would never give up on LOST, which I have not done yet either but man….even with the Tivo action, I’d be right there on Wednesdays at 8:20 (commercial buffer time for Tivo) waiting to watch LOST and now? It is still sitting on my Tivo and will get watched eh…whenever.

  8. amanda says:

    I just could never get into Lost. I enjoy complex plots, etc., but wrap something up already! Just one plot point, pretty please?

  9. yellojkt says:

    I watched an episode of Heroes by mistake and was totally confused. Plus these are really lame powers. They have all been done better by other shows. At least the Japanese guy is funny.

  10. Miss Britt says:

    FINALLY! Someone who isn’t a Lost fanatic. I refuse to watch that show because it should NOT be that freaking difficult to keep up.

  11. Bre says:

    See, my problem with LOST is that now I feel like I HAVE to know how it ends, what the big mystery is… even if it was all a dream. Plus, looking at Sawyer and Sayid for an hour doesn’t hurt anything.

  12. Dave2 says:

    Kentucky Girl… No, there’s about twenty rules to good television, I just handed out #1 for free… if the writers of Lost want more, they’re going to have to pay me!

    JTM… Ugly Betty is great! Last night was yet another brilliant episode. The mystery brewing in this one is going to be a whopper once things really get rolling.

    Frances… Lost is the STD of television shows, and is infecting other shows. The only way to not get infected yourself is to avoid contact with all of them. I’m trying my best!

    Avitable.. Lucky bastard. That means you missed the entire “PUSH THE BUTTON” – “NO I WON’T PUSH THE BUTTON” bullshit that was going on early in season two before I finally gave up.

    Hot Coffee Girl… It sounds a lot like Nelly Olson, oddly enough.

    Kapgar… Like I said, Walt having freaky mental powers would have been sooooo much cooler!

    Hilly… That’s the point. It’s no longer essential television BECAUSE IT’S THE SAME CRAP OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Sure they kill off a few people and introduce new people, but the never-ending mysteries and overall drama is the exact same as when I left! Blargh!

    Amanda… Multiple plot points don’t bother me at all. But when they never resolve any of them and let the show spin off out of control with nothing EVER being resolved… that pisses me off.

    Yellojkt… Watch episodes of the Justice League cartoon on DVD… totally amazing super heroes done the way people want to see them… ACTUALLY USING THEIR FRICKIN’ POWERS!!!

    Miss Britt… It’s not, really. If you’ve seen three episodes, you’ve seen thirty, because nothing really changes except on the surface. Lipstick on a pig, if you ask me.

    Bre… But will they EVER tell you? EVER??? I think the show will be cancelled by bored viewers before they ever figure it out. Like I said… MOVE ON ALREADY!! IT’S BEEN THREE YEARS AND NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING!!! Wrap it up, move on to something even more mysterious, and keep the show interesting!!

  13. Laurence says:

    Always love your Lil’Dave animated… even if he screams “like a little bitch and waving his arms around whenever he goes outside”. (I don’t beleive that I said “bitch”. I never use this word !!!)

    I hate too gnats ! Particularly when they’re crashed on my windshield. I said to me I’m a gnats’ murderess !!! It is horrible.

    Oh, Lost… I never succeed in watching ONE episode right through. I prefer Grey’s anatomy. (the last episode-saison 1 was broadcast monday… Ahhh)



  14. Pen says:

    “Gnats suck ass”…..uh huh…literally…thanks for that image.
    I also got lost in Lost…guess it helps if you actually watch more than 1/5 episodes?
    Yes we do get some of your oddly compulsive viewing over here!

  15. Göran says:

    I never figured out Lost either. It´s does nothing for me.

    On to something else.
    The carpenter who was here fixing stuff at my apartment [who suffered a horrible death earlier today] wrecked my zombies ate my brain shirt by squirting paint on it while it was hanging to dry in the bathroom. Don´t ask me how he did it. At least then he had arms.

    Is there any chance the store will open again sometime soon?

  16. Rick says:

    Gnats on this side of the mountains, too. Getting one up the nose is even worse.

    I’ve with ya on Lost, but then I fell for last week’s episode of SNL, too. Guess I’m just a sucker for Kate, and Jamie.

  17. RW says:

    Looks like the gnats are screaming like little bitches and waving their arms cuz every time they have a new generation… there’s that same Davething again!

  18. Kapha says:

    Dang, I kept watching the Lil’ Dave animation waiting for his mouth to fill up with gnats. 🙂

  19. lizriz says:


    Dude, you have GOT to be EFFING KIDDING ME!!!

    Honestly, I just stop watching when it became clear that where I thought the show was going (and which I would find interesting), simply wasn’t the way they were going to take it. No worries, I’ve got a remote.

  20. Dave2 says:

    Laurence… Grey’s Anatomy totally rocks! Each episode is more interesting than the last.

    Pen… I don’t think it matters how many episodes of Lost you watch… I skipped an entire YEAR when I was conned into watching last night, and all they did was add some people. NOTHING ELSE HAS CHANGED. Why do people watch this??

    Göran… Sadly, between my travels and being sick, I haven’t been able to open the store. Next week I will be having a raffle for charity and, after that’s over, I’ll be selling off my entire T-shirt inventory for my cost + $5 + shipping (many shirts will still be around $10-$12 +shipping, which is still pretty cheap!). The $5 profits will then be donated to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. So watch Blogography for more info next week, and I’ll be sure we get you a replacement shirt! 🙂

    Rick… SNL just makes me sad. It was getting so much better, and now it’s about as bad as it’s ever been. 🙁

    RW… I admit that I would not want to run into me screaming and waving at all, so I see your point!

    Kapha… I don’t want that happening to me in real-life, so I couldn’t bear to do that to Lil’ Dave either! 😀

    Liz… No. I am not kidding you. I was horribly embarassed for the show when I saw that, and still haven’t recovered. 🙁

  21. Mrs RW says:

    I thought about you today hearing a local grocery store advertising “APPLE SEASON’S HERE!!” and talking about the gazillion varieties of apples on sale that I’ve never heard of. Is this anything like the previous fruit season you discussed and you have to duck to keep from getting hit with flying apples?

  22. Kapha says:

    Braeburn + Fuji = 😀

  23. andi says:

    I must disagree with your point including Heroes. This is due to information learned from an interview of Tim Kring, the creator of Heroes that the prophecy introduced in the first episode will be resolved within the season. This is much like (if I understand a show that I have not yet started watching) Veronica Mars is set up. Self-contained mysteries and connections that will have an answer revealed within a season, even if that answer will e brought into question later on.

  24. Dave2 says:

    Mrs. RW… Apparently, the trucks now have shields to prevent apple spillage upon unsuspecting drivers. 🙂

    Kapha… I’m partial to Fuji’s myself. Good pie!

    Andi… But the show only gets one special effect per show, and so I’m finding it totally boring. When they come up with a super-hero show where super-heroes actually use their super-powers instead of just talk about them, I might get interested. 🙂

  25. andi says:

    I can understand being frustrated by not being shown more than one special effect/superpower. Being a big fan of superheroes I am just so glad to see a good show about the transformation of everyday humans to superheroes that I’m willing to overlook such a problem. I have trust in Tim Kring’s creative abilities after watching Crossing Jordan for quite some years and have it never fail to be good television. Give him time to be able to get a bigger budget once it has had enough success to be deemed worthy of more than one special effect per show.

  26. diane says:

    *Had to formulate my defense of LOST carefully before responding*
    And note that of course I respect your opinion, I just strongly disagree with the “why haven’t they explained everything???” complaints against LOST–
    1) The show is supposed to run five seasons. So there needs to be a delicate balance of teasers & answers to sustain 5 seasons.
    2) Yes, for the most part, they really dropped the ball last season, but I feel like they are getting the balance back a bit this season, so I’m giving it a chance.
    3) Was the first season of LOST really THAT awesome, or do we all just look back on it lovingly b/c we had never seen a show like this before?
    4) It’s NOT been stated that the polar bears came from the Others camp/experiments/whatnot. All we know is that SOME BEARS were in the cages over there. We don’t know what happened to them. And remember, the guys at the end of season 2 were in an arctic area, more likely the source of polar bears. Anyway, Walt seems able to manifest himself from one side of the island to another. If the polar bear was in the makeshift zoo, it still could have been Walt who released them. Remember that the Others gave up Walt because he was more than they could handle.
    5) No mysteries solved??? We know what happened with Jack & Sarah. We have a hint of who the Others really are. We know for certain what became of Alex. This season we’re supposed to find out what paralyzed Locke. I bank that in the next season or two we’ll find out the deal with the “security device.”

    So to sum up, I think either you’re a LOST watcher with infinite patience or you’re not. I am, and I think the show is making a comeback. Aside from occasionally tuning in to Family Guy, it’s the only tv show I watch.

  27. Sayuri says:

    Ohhh Diane, you are a brave woamn taking on the wrath of Dave and his almost pathological hatred of LOST.

    I myself watch it in season blocks. I buy it on DVD and sit and watch it in a two day session. I have to admit it is the only way I can enjoy it. I have tried watching it week to week and just got pissed off and bored.

    I watch a lot of stuff like that including Veronica Mars which I bought on the strength on Dave’s gushing recomendations alone. And let me say, I have never been disappointed with ONE episode of that.

    I am now soo addicted I have started downloading the episodes on a weekly basis.

  28. claire says:

    I saw the first couple of eps of Lost last season, but I haven’t been remotely tempted by it this year. It just got way too goofy for me.

    Like Liz, it veered so far from what I initially liked about it that I no longer have any interst in it.

    VM rules!

  29. nancycle says:

    I wonder what would happen if Lindsay Lohan’s crotch met up with David Hasselhoff’s crotch…

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