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Posted on Friday, September 29th, 2006

Dave!A year ago today I was in China standing on The Great Wall (though I got a better view of it the next day before I headed off to the Forbidden City).

This year, I'm stuck at home in a place where Screech has a scary-ass sex tape out, Clay Aiken has another shitty album out, and a sneak peek of the brillant Veronica Mars season premiere is out... kind of.

It's a trifecta of horrors on a Friday night...

See. Hear. Speak.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS CRAP! Annoying nerd-boy Dustin "Screech" Diamond from that totally forgettable television monstrosity Saved By The Bell has a sex tape out. Apparently, he's involved in a tape trading ring with "high profile people" where you get points for doing freaky shit and videotaping it. Now, I have no problem if people are into this kind of stuff... because, until the Constitution is completely rewritten, everybody in the good ol' USA has the right to get their freak on... but why would anybody want to see a tape which features SCREECH in any kind of sexual situation?!? Fortunately for us, President Bush will soon have the power to declare scary crap like this to be an "attack against America" and have creepy sex pervs like Screech interned and tortured.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS CRAP! How in the heck does somebody like Clay Aiken sell records? To say that his "music" sucks ass is a declaration of such absurd understatement as to be laughable. His latest album of cover-tunes is everywhere and you can't turn the channel without having to listen to him totally butchering some old song in horrifying new ways. I DARE you to fire up iTunes and subject yourself to his ass-blasting renditions of once-beautiful songs like Mr. Mister's Broken Wings and Foreigner's I Want To Know What Love Is or Paul Young's Everytime You Go Away. Holy crap! The least Clay could do for his "fans" is shit all over his own songs rather than take a dump on classics.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS CRAP! The best show on television, Veronica Mars, will have its season premiere on October 3rd. But, in a very interesting turn of events, the entire first episode is available for free viewing on the internet right now! This is awesome news! Unless you are a Macintosh user, in which case you can go fuck yourself! That's right, boys and girls... instead of using a format everybody can enjoy, the new CW Network has handed this totally sweet deal over to MSN which means, unless you are running Windows with Internet Explorer 6 and Windows Media 10, you are out of luck! Using a Mac? Go fuck yourself! Using Linux? Go fuck yourself twice! What's totally lame is that Mac users CAN view the ass-kicking opening scene from the episode by going directly to CW TV's site. But all that will do is leave you hungry for more, which you can't have unless you are a Windows sufferer. The reason I don't want to talk about this is because the CW Network was nice enough not to cancel Veronica Mars... for which I am eternally grateful. But I find it somehow ironic that Veronica herself and most all of the other characters on the show use Macs, thus wouldn't be able to watch their own season premiere online.

Why is it that total suckage always comes in threes?

Categories: Apple Stuff 2006, Television 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. Anthony says:

    That sucks ass. Windows Media Player 10 = a steaming pile.

  2. I haven’t seen the Screech sex tape, but whatever chick (it is a chick; right?) he had sex with must be MORTIFIED. Sleeping with Screech (as if!) is a secret I’d be taking to my GRAVE…lol

  3. Dave2 says:

    Anthony… Much like Windows itself. πŸ™‚

    Dawn… Not just one chick… TWO CHICKS!! And one of them gets a “Dirty Sanchez” which increases the humility by a factor of at least ten.

  4. RW says:

    I envision an entire universe of things waiting to piss me off that I have avoided because of my lack of technological expertise… or for that matter even my lack of technological amateurism.

    Taking that to its extreme, I think I shall become a trappist monk. I suppose this would ensure eternal bliss, then?

  5. Mendy says:

    Found your blog recently and just wanted to tell you how very much I enjoy reading it, thanks.


  6. Hilly says:

    So Dustin is now done selling t-shirts to save his home and has moved on to what I can assume is the most terrifying porn we’ve ever seen? Swank.

    If I knew anything about anything, I’d try to convert the episode for you but alas, I am only a PC user…hey, at least you get a thrill on the 3rd!

  7. franky says:

    The Clay Aitken album really is a major suckage. This is one of the moments where one would prefer to have American radio stations. Wasted money!

  8. Avitable says:

    You’d be more upset if you were on a PC. The video quality of VM is so bad that I couldn’t even watch a full minute of it. I had to turn it off and wait until Tuesday.

  9. Danielle says:

    The quality of the video sucks a boatload of ass, so don’t be sad. You’re not missing anything.

  10. Melissa says:

    Newbie to posting. Not a newbie to reading your blog. Love it btw. Screech is at it again. I think he needs some sort of intervention if it’s not too late already. So first he is asking others to help save his house because he can’t pay the rent and now he has a sex tape out? Kinda pathetic. Okay *really* pathetic.

    Awww I’ll bravely admit even though I’m probably the only one that actually loves Clay Aiken here, but I’m a dork and a geek and I’m used to people making fun of me for my music tastes. ;D I was disappointed when he came out with a cover album already (in his 2nd album) vs. his own songs, but too me it’s really good and he does have a few songs on their that are his own creations. So. πŸ™‚ But remember I am a geek and I love cheesy stuff. πŸ˜‰

    Personally, I never understood watching TV online. Sucks that it’s not available to all users though.

  11. Laurence says:

    Ah China !!! I understand now your expression of yesterday “with fury of thousand suns” !!! πŸ˜‰

    Anyway… if the suckage always comes in threes, it would be great. Because, it often comes in 4, 5…10…

    1. I discovered that Screech is alive !!! alive !!! But me neither, I don’t associate Screech with Sex… Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… I am frozen with terror.

    2. I thanks all the french producers because we don’t know Clay Aiken (Kelly Clarkson is enough) I listen his songs… It is Bad Pop ! (Oh, I suggest an another categorie for iTunes : Bad Pop… That would go to make research easier, no ?)


  12. undisciplined says:

    According to his own admission, “little” Screech is sporting a third leg. I don’t know whether to be horrified or impressed.

  13. Michelle says:

    With out you Dave, I would have never watched Veronica Mars. Now it’s one of my favorite programs. Thanks.

  14. Bec says:

    God only knows when we are going to get VM series 3 here… I’m still enjoying the delights of series 2…

    And who the hell is Clay Aiken?! Delighted to say I’ve never heard of him – just looking at his smug picture I know I’d want to punch him.

  15. Mark says:

    Take deep breaths. In (1…2…3…4…5) and out (1…2…3…4…5) Does that feel better?

    I avoid sex tapes like the plague because I don’t care. Paris Hilton had sex and taped it? Shocking! Wait, Screech is getting laid and I’m not? Dammit!

  16. Rachel says:

    For all you depressed/pissed off Mac users – here’s your link to download & watch VM 3.01. πŸ˜‰

    Make sure you click the second link – that’s the .mpg version.

  17. kapgar says:

    I’m not even going to bother teasing myself with the intro sequence. I’ll just wait for the premiere. God I still need to buy season 2. Did that come out yet?

  18. Troy says:

    I’d like to know how Clay Aiken can butcher songs that already suck. Admit it. The songs you listed are steaming piles to start with πŸ™‚

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