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Porn

Posted on Monday, April 24th, 2006

Dave!As great as Blogiversary III has been, I am secretly relieved that it is all over. Usually a blog entry only takes about 10 minutes for me to write up (20-25 at the most if I decided to draw a cartoon), but the past two weeks of "Lost Bloging" and "Blogiversary" antics have taken HOURS out of every day that I am very glad to have back. After all, I've got a box full of Batman Lego that's not going to put itself together.

Drawing this year's prize winners was more painful than last time. I consider many of those who entered to be my friends, and it kills me that everybody can't win something fantastic. I guess that's why I don't have the guts to draw the names myself, and have to get somebody else to do it. I am such a weenie. I need to either stop caring, or become a billionaire. Anyway, thanks to everybody for their kind words... win or lose.

And now for the thing you've all been waiting for since seeing the title of this entry. It's time for porn!

Well, kind of...

Dave Stripper

Every once in a while I get some kind of porn catalog in my mailbox. I think I owe this to Bad Robert, who signed me up for something a year ago as a joke. Its an automatic habit to toss this stuff in the garbage, because once you've seen one porn catalog you've pretty much seen them all. So this weekend while I was sorting through my mail, I ran across a Priority Mail envelope with porn stuff inside and tossed it. But after I had thrown it away, I noticed that something was different. A second look showed me that it was NOT a porn catalog.

It was a job offer.

And, before you let your mind wander off in a totally wrong direction, let me clarify that.

It was NOT an offer for me to appear in porn. Sure I have a great ass, but I don't think anybody would want to see me in anything porn-related. No, it was a job offer to do some graphic design work for a porn company. A guy I used to work with had forwarded it to me to see if I was interested.

And if I wasn't so totally backlogged, I would seriously consider it.

But even though I decided I couldn't take the job, I did decide to take a look through the promotion kit. And it was then that I noticed something entirely shocking... women are not the only ones who are practicing "nether-region landscaping". Apparently male porn stars are now enamored with the idea of shaving everything down to a 1-inch square. Like a penis soul-patch or something.

That's some bizarre shit right there.

Yet another compelling reason to stick to more "porn-efficient" all-lesbian action, I suppose.

And, in a segue I never thought I'd be making... we go from porn to Betty White erotica.

Well, kind of...

Peterotica

Family Guy had a brilliant appearance by Betty last night. Once again, she totally kicked ass and stole the show. Whoever thought to cast her as the "books on tape" reader for Peter's erotic novel is a genius. I maintain that Betty White should make guest appearances on ALL television shows. And can somebody tell me why Disney/Pixar hasn't cast her as the voice of a cartoon character yet? Betty rules...

Welcome to Peterotica on tape! I'm Betty White reading The Hot Chick Who Was Italian, or maybe Some Kind of Spanish by Peter Griffin. Chapter One: "Oh God you should have seen this one hot chick. She was totally Italian. Or maybe some kind of Spanish...."

Along the way, we also find out that Stewie is a Mac user, and are treated to an appearance by the pre-penis-weilding Kool-Aid man. I love that show.


Categories: Blogging 2006, Television 2006Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. BlogLaughs says:

    Stripper Dave needs to have his own t-shirt. That’s priceless. :)

  2. Shevy-22 says:

    Dave, Dave, Dave…where have you been? Men have been doing “nether region landscaping” for some time. In fact, lots of women think it’s pretty darn sexy.

  3. Dave2 says:

    Uhhh… maybe they have, but I’m not in the habit of checking out the pubic hair configuration on other guys. :-)

  4. Eve says:

    …Like a penis soul-patch…

    Eeeewwww.

    I Tivo’ed the Family Guy, so I’ll get around to watching it one day after finishing the Veronica Mars season 2 episodes, and Medium from the beginning of the year, and the last two weeks of Sopranos. But Stewie’s a Mac user, woo hoo!!! And Betty White rocks.

    And totally unrelated to porn, nether-region soul patches, or Betty White:

    BOOKS: Xena, Rice Burroughs…

    Check out the stuff about the upcoming comic book series for Edgar Rice Burroughs’ A Princess of Mars!

  5. adena says:

    I’ve seen that penis soul patch thing. It’s borderline frightening/skeevy.

    Well, I should clarify that I have NOT seen one in person….but, rather…other places…yeah, um…

    So, how’s the weather in Central Washington?….

  6. Shevy-22 says:

    Well, that’s a good thing on your gayness gauge! Can’t have you making other guys uncomfortable at the urinals by checking to see if they do any personal landscaping.

    Now…what are you going to be thinking the next time you use a large public john. Your brain is going to be saying “DON’T LOOK, DON’T LOOK!!”

  7. jodi says:

    i’m not at all surprised that stewie is a mac user, he’s the coolest member of that family.

  8. Dave2 says:

    Eve: Sweet! Maybe that will tide me over until the movie comes. IF it comes.

    ADENA WATCHES PORN!!
    :-)

    Chevy-22: Ha! Actually, now that I’ve seen it, Shevy-22, I really don’t need to see it again. :-P

    Jodi: Well, I certainly admire his efforts to take over the world, that’s for sure! :-)

  9. Karl says:

    And I thought I was weird, pruning my down-there-hair into a star shape. Sheesh. Soul patches? That’s just wrong.

    Curious, Dave, what hardware/software do you use to draw your cartoons? Must be some good stuff if you’re drawing those and posting them in only 15-20 minutes.

  10. Yeah…how do you manage to post in 10-20 minutes?

    Also – what is the story behind the Kool-Aid man? He looks quite pissed.

  11. Carolyn J. says:

    You’re not fully indoctrinated until you receive the International Male catalogue, which you will keep due to its extreme hilariousness.

  12. Loquacity says:

    I am glad that you have more time to breath now and can get back to your frantic 10-15 minutes of updating instead of the alternative hours. But a word to the wise: the Spiderman LEGOS are much cooler.

  13. Chanakin says:

    hmmmmm…. Betty White’s patch.

    Thanks, Dave!

  14. ChillyWilly says:

    Family Guy is a great show. Good to know they are doing newer epsiodes again. It’s been a long month and time to catch up.

    And Carolyn is right about the International Male catalogs…. one pass through one and that’s about it…. toss away.

    We want to see pics of the LEGOs when you are done.

  15. Bec says:

    I can’t wait to see the Google searches that will bring people here now!

  16. karla says:

    Dave you enver cease to make me laugh.

    A wee wee soul patch. Omfg. It would be great if the man would also ‘manscape’ his chest area to have two matching hair squares around his nipples. This I would like to see. Seriously. Oo! Or stars instead of squares and then he could be like KISS. (Instead of Gene Simmons’ long tongue it would be a long…never mind. This is a family blog, right?)

    Creative Manscaping, anyone?

  17. ssp says:

    Just to be a complete pita… you’re writing ‘everybody can’t win something fantastic’ which is a bit too negative. So you may want to go back to Logic 101 and move that not two words to the front.

  18. kilax says:

    Ha ha. Take the porn job! Think of the new horizons it will add to your portfolio! ;)

    Just kidding.

  19. Nicola says:

    The only reason I thought men did personal landscaping was because it makes their wee man look bigger. I didn’t realise men could be so vain… or weird!

  20. Bre says:

    I’m with you on the Betty White situation… largely because one of my goals while in college was to watch as much “Golden Girls” as humanly possible while maintaining a passing GPA.

    As for the manscaping, if they are so willing to trim things up, why aren’t they willing to do anything about their unibrows?!

  21. ms. sizzle says:

    dave attell does this funny bit about manscaping. he basically says that guys will be hairy all over and then shave their nether-regions as if there was some sort of garbage fire down there. it kinda loses its humor when retold in blog comments. . . ;)

    go betty white!

  22. Tink says:

    Stripper Dave needs to learn to smile while he works that pole….gets him more tips!…Although he seems to be doing nicely….well, i guess this is what happens when we ask for porn….

  23. Rikki says:

    Your friend seems like a caring individual, looking out for all the different aspects of you like that ;)

    I used to have a boss who would send me Phone Sex Operator job listings. I kept them all in a folder labeled: Garys Harrassment Mail

  24. Kevin says:

    Forget the smile, I wanna see what Stripper Dave with Bedroom Eyes ™ looks like.

  25. Charred says:

    (insert humerous comment here)

  26. Rabbit says:

    My junk mail is always “Enroll in graduate school!” Or “You need this credit card!” Where’s MY porn junk mail?

  27. mikey says:

    First “Family Guy” rules and Stewie’s my main man. Second your drawing today of the stripper, Is that me when I did that in Baltimore for five years?

  28. Tink says:

    Kevin: now i that i have rethought this i vote for bedroom eyes also on stripper dave….

  29. Troy says:

    Betty White rocks. She actually the main reason why I love the movie Lake Placid. I love her as the dirty-mouthed cussing grandmotherly figure. So good.

    I agree that she must guest star on all TV shows!!!!

  30. claire says:

    I totally get a kick out of Betty White when she’s on Boston Legal. She’s hilarious.

  31. Mooselet says:

    Does Stripper Dave do the male landscaping thing?? I bet he does, and he so needs a t-shirt.

    I have heard (not seen) of the male “back, crack and yes, well… the dangly bits that rhyme with the previous two words” waxing. It’s just not right. There’s a difference between trimming the hedge and taking a weed-whacker to it.

  32. Mocha says:

    My porn junk mail lends itself to the penis-enlargement variety. Why they think I have one is beyond me.

    I’m so with you on the Betty White on Family Guy. Good grief, they have the best writers. That stuff is hilarious.

  33. Dave2 says:

    Karl: Something tells me that you must have pube-trimming abilities beyond those of mortal men… a star shape has got to be tricky to get right. I use Adobe Illustrator to draw stuff here. It basically amounts to making quick shapes, smashing them together, and then warping them until they look like what I am trying to “draw” – it’s very fast (assuming you don’t care what the end result looks like).

    Reluctant Housewife: The Kool-Aid Man is pissed because he doesn’t have a penis. As for writing entries in about 10-15 minutes… I’m not really exaggerating. Doesn’t this stuff SOUND like it takes me only 10 minutes to write? :-)

    Carolyn: I actually bought the International Male catalog once with the intention of buying some clothing, as it all looked top-notch. I never did because the prices were outrageous, and was later told by a gay friend that NOBODY buys that catalog with the intent of actually purchasing clothing from it. I am so naive. I really need to move to the big city or something.

    Loquacity: SPIDER-MAN COOLER THAN BAT-MAN?!?! HERASY! SACRILEGE! I think NOT, my friend!! NOBODY IS COOLER THAN BAT-MAN!! :-)

    Chanakin: You know, this wasn’t really all that dirty until YOU got ahold of it! I guess I should be the one thanking YOU!

    Chilly Willy: How could I NOT post photos of my very cool Bat-Man Lego toys? There will absolutely be photos!

    Bec: Well, considering most of my comment notification emails are being flagged as porno spam, I don’t think that I do want to know! :-)

    Karla: Sounds like you have a business plan! Perhaps Rich will volunteer for you to practice on. Be sure to post photos!

    SSP: I am trying desperately to figure out how you are getting a double negative there. “It kills me that everybody can’t win” sounds correct to me… or does it? I need better writing skills!

    Kilax: Something tells me that the only thing a porn job in my portfolio will do is get me more porn jobs!

    Nicola: Ah, I KNEW there was a reason that I didn’t feel the need to have a penis patch!! ;-)

    Bre: I was never a big “Golden Girls” fan, but Betty makes it worth watching when I am flicking through channels and run across an episode. I much prefer her work now, which is much more varied and interesting. She is one talented lady!

    Sizzle: Dave Attell is a MUST-SEE if he ever does a live-show in your area. He is really responsive to the audience, which makes his style of comedy even better!

    Tink: Stripper Dave is not smiling because he’s got a dozen $10 bills slicing across his penis while he is dancing. Paper cuts on your penis are no reason to smile! :-)

    Rikki: Phone sex operator? I could so totally do that job!

    Kevin: His eyes are round dots… there’s not a lot you can do with that!

    Charred: Insert witty reply here.

    Rabbit: I’ll have Bad Robert hook you up!

    Mikey: No, it’s be when I did it at Applebee’s for five minutes… that will teach me to drink five Long Islands!

    Troy: Oh yes! Lake Placid was sweet! I think I like her character on “Boston Legal” best just now… she has gone from mean to crazy to pitiful in less than a year! She’s really getting to show her range now.

    Claire: Totally! I wish she were a regular on that show! Though, if she was, she might not have the time to make other guest appearances. I want her to play a truly evil bad-guy (bad-girl?) next. And not for laughs… for real. Something tells me she could nail that part!

    Mooselet: I think I have lost my appetite… for about a week. :-)

    Mocha: That’s okay, I get breast enlargement spams all the time! Either these people are really stupid… or totally brilliant. By marketing to the opposite sex, they are counting on the fact that women will buy the penis enlargement pills for their guy, and guys will be buying the breast enlargement pills for their gal. See? Genius!

  34. Belinda says:

    Yep, thought about you during that episode of FG, I did.

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