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Posted on Friday, August 11th, 2006

Dave!Last night I had somebody ask me how the recent airline terrorist story coming out of the U.K. would be affecting my travel plans. The answer? It doesn't... not even a little bit. If I had the time, money, and energy, I'd hop on a flight to London right now. I refuse to live my life in fear over something that may or may not happen. I mean, what's the alternative? Am I supposed to barricade myself in my home for the rest of my life? Never go anywhere ever again? F#@% that. Sure the world is getting more scary and more dangerous every day, but that's just the way it is. If I die in a terrorist attack on a plane, then my time is up and I die on a terrorist attack on a plane. Life goes on, and I'm not going to waste time worrying about it.

What I will waste time on is a way to classify people making news. This way, whenever I am not sure what to think, I can just spin my magical "WHEEL OF LABELS" and instantly know how I should feel about the person in question...

Fugly Wheel

For example...

Geraldo (who has apparently forgotten that he used to host the "Geraldo" show, which regularly had topics such as "Men in Lace Panties and the Women Who Love Them") has pulled out the hypocrite card and decided to trash Comedy Central and The Daily Show. He says: "You know, Comedy Central is now a big hit, Stewart and the Colbert guy... they make a living putting on video of old ladies slipping on ice and people laughing. That’s their life. They exist in a small little place where they count for nothing."

Say what? This is how he makes himself feel important? Trashing one of the most insightful, smart, witty, and important shows on television for political commentary? Sounds pretty stupid to me. And the fact that he insists on continuing to wear that dorky mustache that makes him look like a 1970's gay porn star just makes it all the harder to take. In any event, I have no idea what to think about this. Time to spin the wheel...

Geraldo Sucks

There you have it. Turns out Geraldo is a dumbass. Actually, the needle got kind of stuck between two sections so technically he's a dumbass-f#@%er. Perhaps somebody needs to hit him in the face with another chair to smarten him up.

But how does Daily Show host John Stewart rate?

Stewart Rules

Yeah, that's kind of what I thought.

And lastly we have Samuel L. Jackson, who talked about his most recent film Snakes on a Plane in an AICN interview. When asked about going back to re-shoot scenes in order to show the snakes actually biting people instead of cutting the camera away, here is what he had to say...

"You want the snake hit! You want to see it. You have two people goin' to screw in a bathroom on a plane and you know that there are some snakes in there... you know that when that tit comes out, you want to see a snake on that tit! At some point you gonna go, 'Man, I know a snake's going to show up somewhere... and hopefully that snake's going to be on that tit!'"

Brilliant. I couldn't have said it better myself! I'm assuming the sequel to Snakes on a Plane will be Snakes on a Tit. So how does Bad-Ass MoFo Samuel L. Jackson rate?

Jackson Cool

Yeah... like that's any surprise. He was about the only cool thing in those crappy Star Wars prequels. Well, him and Emperor Palpatine. Palpatine was balls-nasty evil! You gotta love that.

Dang. Now I want to watch Pulp Fiction again.

Categories: Movies 2006, Television 2006Click To It: Permalink


  1. RW says:

    Um… I spun it for Lewis Black and it said “hottie.”

    I mean he’s funny and all but…

  2. Mrs RW says:

    What? Where’s Liz? I can’t believe she’s not here with a MAJOR “hottie” label. As for Geraldo, I think that when he opened the famous “vault” and found nothing, any mind he had left disappeared.

  3. Laurence says:

    You know what ?
    – Geraldo : I don’t know him. And I don’t want to know him. I think that he’s wearing a toupee ! Brrrrr
    – Jon Stewart : I know him. He acted in “The faculty”, and some series TV. I would like to watch “The Daily Show”. Sometimes, I watch “The late show with David Letterman”… To know that of me… a fat lot of good that does you !!! πŸ™‚
    – Samuel L. Jackson is the coolest actor I have ever seen. And Pulp Fiction… This movie speaks for itself… Wouah…

    Nevertheless, I like the idea… This wheel of labels could be restful to my mind. πŸ™‚

  4. Jeff says:

    I loved Pulp Fiction. It was the coolest creepy movie I’ve seen to date. Kinda made me feel dirty for enjoying it so much.

  5. Michelle says:

    I’ve never seen Pulp Fiction before though I think I’ve seen the end (where they’re in a fast food restaurant or a cafe or something??), is that bad? *Hangs head in shame*

  6. amanda says:

    I love Jon Stewart. He’s the only celebrity that I’ve ever had a crush on. I *heart* smart and funny guys. (sigh)

  7. Lore says:

    Hahahahaha. I like your outlook on life and fear, it’s a fulfilling way to live.

    Pulp Ficton =

  8. delmer says:

    I was expecting a ‘fugly’ for Geraldo.

    I guess ‘dumbass’ does better capture the essence of him.

  9. Karl says:

    Yeah, after getting a call from Samuel L. there’s no way I can avoid seeing “Snakes on a Plane.” He said he’d hunt me down if I missed it. And how can you not believe anything that man says? You can’t.

  10. Avitable says:

    I’m glad Stephen Colbert isn’t the hero. He’s a bit much after more than ten minutes, in my opinion. I think he’d be a horrible person to talk to in real life.

  11. Jill says:

    The labels on the Wheel of Labels would make some really cool stickers. I would need at *least* four sets… πŸ˜€

  12. Jill says:

    The labels on the Wheel of Labels would make some really cool stickers. I would need at *least* four sets… πŸ˜€

  13. Kapha says:

    Speaking of Emperor Palpatine, I stumbled on this Robot Chicken video on and it’s STILL making me laugh.

    I saw it first and dug through the others, but none were anywhere near as funny as this one. It’s the voice acting, the script, the timing – heck, it’s one of the funniest things I’ve seen in quite a while.


  14. Tracy Lynn says:

    I think Geraldo just picked up some dead thing in the parking lot and slapped it on his head. He looks insane.

    S L Jackson is right- snakes on the tit, indeed.

  15. I’m with you on the I’d go to visit London in a heartbeat (actually I was planning for a weekend there in late August).


    Not being allowed to have any liquids in the carry-on luggage is making those short weekend trips much quite inconvenient because you’ll have to carry a suitcase robust enough for hold with you through the city in question instead of a neat little backpack.

    For longer trips where you’ll take large cases anyway will not be significantly different unless the no-electronics rule will be kept. I sure don’t feel good putting valuable electronics in suitcases that I am not allowed to lock up (like it is on all routes in and out of the US).

    But then, I’d rather travel inconvenient than die.

  16. marie b. says:

    I would pay good money for stickers with those labels on them. This is my way of saying “Please consider making stickers with those labels on them.”

    Also, John Stewart is the Messiah.

  17. Brandon says:

    Oh man, I just spun the Wheel for myself and I landed on Dick! I thought that maybe there was a flaw in the system so I spun again and I landed on Whore! Does that make me a Dick! Whore!?

  18. Plunky says:

    I LOVE Jon. I have been crazy about him since he did his MTV show back before Ford invented the automobile.

  19. LorelieLong says:

    I was personally hoping the Wheel would land on Hottie for John Stewart.

    Oh, and when my husband was in Afghanistan, Geraldo visited the base my husband was stationed at. He’s just as much of a douchebag in real life.

  20. Kevin says:

    Wait a minute! Sandra’s not here avowing her love for you based on your “hero” assessment of Jon Stewart?!?! Something must be wrong! Where is she????

  21. Kevin says:

    Can you give the wheel a spin for Kevin Federline?

  22. Eve says:

    Pulp Fiction – awesome. Snakes On A Tit – even better.

    Stephen Colbert – I worship him!!!!!!!!!

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