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Posted on January 10th, 2018

Dave!Uh huh.

If virulently anti-gay pastors and Republicans have taught us anything about their disturbingly homophobic behavior... it's that it's usually driven by they themselves being gay. This asshole's reaction towards a cursory touch by a man speaks volumes. It's so over-the-top absurd that you'd think he was grabbed by the crotch...

So synchronize your watches, folks... It's only a matter of time before Representative Daryl Metcalfe is caught with an underage gay prostitute in a public bathroom.

They always are...


Bullet Sunday 484

Posted on May 8th, 2016

Dave!The weekend may be ending, but there's still some awesome to be had, because a Very Special SUPER-SIZED Bullet Sunday starts... now...

• Red Up! Trae Crowder has released another video and it's starting to look like this is not a fluke... he's funny as hell, dead on target, and the real deal...

"Now I don't know much about Kasich... apparently that somebitch eats the hell out of some sketti." — And in case you've now got a hankerin' for some redneck sketti, I'll share a video with the recipe (a tub of margarine microwaved with a bottle of ketchup and poured over spaghetti) courtesy of Mamma June...

Now that's some fancy cookin' right there.

• Mac-N-Cheez! And while we're on the subject of delicious pasta dishes, the college where this drunk kid attends must have the best mac-n-cheez on the planet, because... damn...

It's not often you see a man go to jail over mac-n-cheez! Oh, one last thing, apparently he's sorry now...

I hope he eventually managed to get that mac-n-cheez. It would be a shame to go through all that for nothing.

• Apocalypse! Apparently we're experimenting with reanimating the dead now. BECAUSE WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? Have these morons seen, like, ANY ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER? No? Well carry on then. Carry on.

• Rex! No way. NO. WAY!


Purplesaurus Rex Kool-Aid is back! Better run to the grocery store and stock up before Kool-Aid changes their minds and discontinues it again.

• GWEN! James Cordon's "Carpool Karaoke" just doesn't know when to quit! In case you missed it, another episode has dropped...

I hope James starts doing this with more esoteric artists in the future... it's just too good to be restricted to major pop stars.

• Judgement! Sometimes... not often, but sometimes... the humanity that's been lost in our justice system turns up in the most unexpected of places. Bless you, Judge Olivera.

• Problem? There's been an article by the Washington Post circulating which states that Republicans have a massive electoral map problem that has nothing to do with Donald Trump. Actually, I disagree. This has EVERYTHING to do with Donald Trump... and the candidates like him that end up on the Republican ticket. We're in an election where I will be forced to vote for Hillary Clinton, whom I loathe, just to keep the bat-shit craziness that is Trump the hell out of The White House. And Republicans have nobody to blame but themselves. GIVE US AN ELECTABLE CANDIDATE! One we can vote for without setting back human rights, social progress, and decency & compassion for our fellow citizens (and the rest of the planet) by five decades. Half my kingdom for an election where I won't feel like blowing chunks after casting my ballot.

• Suckerpunched! On top of making unbelievably shitty movies, here's yet another reason DC Comics needs to take Zack Snyder the fuck off their films. This asshole has no concept of what makes a good flick... let alone a good super-hero flick... and it's driving me insane. First he utterly destroys Superman, then he takes Christopher Nolan's terrific take on Batman and turns him into a psychotic moron. If, like me, you're waiting for video rental to see the horror that is Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice, AND you don't give a shit about the movie being utterly spoiled, here's all you need to know about it.

And there you have it... more bullets than you can shake a stick at. See you next Sunday.



Posted on May 5th, 2016

Dave!In case it hasn't been glaringly apparent, I fucking loath Ted Cruz.

In all the worst possible ways.

Thus the complete implosion of his presidential ambitions (along with the entire Republican Party) has been a source of great amusement to me. Especially the commentary from Samantha Bee on her show Full Frontal which you should absolutely be watching...

Samantha Bee on Ted Cruz

And then there was her epic take-apart from the show...

Yep, we certainly side-stepped a bullet with Ted Cruz for president.

You know you loathe Ted Cruz when you can't even bring yourself to like him a little bit as he drags Donald Trump through the trash. No mention of Trump's UNDENIABLE PROOF that President Obama wasn't a US citizen that we're STILL waiting to see... oh no... couldn't miss the opportunity to get in a dig at Obama, even in defeat...

So long, Cruz, please just go away now.



Posted on January 18th, 2016

Dave!Turns out MadTV had a handle on the current state of the Republican Party all along.

Not bad for a show airing twenty years ago...

Preach it, sister!

And, seriously, this wasn't written as parody yesterday... it's from nearly twenty years ago...

Darlene McBride really needs to come out of retirement.

Of course, we've already got Mike Huckabee, so she's almost redundant... but still...



Posted on October 13th, 2015

Dave!Kill me. Kill me now.

To say I am no fan of the Republican candidates for President of the United States is a drastic understatement. Each one of them is either bat-shit insane, a fucking idiot, or both.

Then here comes the Democratic Primary Presidential Debate, and it's painfully clear that the Left isn't faring much better. Sure, it seemed more civilized and adult than what we've seen from the Republicans, but only so far as the pandering to their base supporters isn't laced with bigotry and racism...

The Democrats!
Photo by John Locher / AP

The winner of the debate is a no-contest Hillary Clinton.

It's almost shocking how far ahead of the competition she is. Her nomination is so far in the bag that she could get a blow job from Monica Lewinsky on stage at the next debate and there would still be nobody to touch her.

Speaking as somebody who loathes the idea of a Clinton presidency, I type this with a note of sadness in every keypress, but what can you do? If there's a challenger for the nomination, I didn't see it on stage tonight. Rumors are circulating that Vice President Biden might still drop in the race, but I don't think it would make a difference. Joe Biden probably couldn't get his own family excited enough to turn out to vote, let alone the rest of the nation.

I've stated my objections to Hillary Clinton many, many times. The fact that she is probably going to be running the country next term fills me with a sense of dread that approaches despair. The only more polarizing candidate I can think of would be if President Obama won a third term.

Yes, she had her moments during the debate. But ultimately there was nothing there for me. Her reaction to criticism of her past decisions is absurdly dismissive. Nobody is more tired of the conversation surrounding her damn emails than me, but I still don't think she's adequately addressed it. Clinton advocated jail time for Edward Snowden because of security breaches, but she just gets to sweep her security breaches under the rug because she declares they "weren't classified information at the time?" Bullshit. By nature of her damn job as Secretary of State, everything she emailed has the potential to become classified information (yes, even after the fact) and she fucking knows this. And you can say that there was never a breach of security on your email server AND that you didn't delete any damning emails, but you'll have to forgive me for not counting on a politician to tell the truth. Hillary Clinton does whatever Hillary Clinton wants and doesn't care if you don't approve. Move on. Next question. So much for transparency in government (as if it ever had a chance).

And then there's Bernie Sanders.

If I had to pick a loser from all the rest of the losers in tonight's debate, I'd have to put him at the top of the list. Here was his opportunity to reach past his fan base and secure a chunk of voters for his nomination... and I think he blew it. Socialism, which is perceived as so anti-American that even hard-core Democrats be like "Damn, Bernie!," is such a rallying cry for Sanders that it might as well be a boat anchor tied around his neck. Sure he can tread water for a little while, but ultimately it's going to be the thing that sinks his campaign. Even for people like me who aren't scared by a little socialism intruding on their democracy. Because ultimately socialism is lopsided and unfair no matter how you divvy up the pot. You want my tax dollars to make it so that absolutely everybody gets to go to college for free? Bullshit. Some people are simply not built for college. For whatever reason, they don't have the aptitude for college, and any money shoveled towards a college education for them is money wasted. Not that I'm calling anybody "stupid" here... I'm just saying that different people have different talents in life, and not all of them involve college. But college is going to be free for everybody in BernieWorld, so who cares if you're any good at it? Free-fitty-free is free, so party on.

Sanders also has an almost child-like depth when it comes to foreign policy. You want to give money to Saudi Arabia to fight ISIS? Seriously? Have you been paying any attention whatsoever to what's actually going on over there? Do you have any concept of the history in that region? Even more laughable is Bernie's anti-war rhetoric. Have you been paying attention to your voting record? Dance around it all you want, but the staggering profit that is intrinsic to the massive American War Machine ain't going anywhere. Not with Bernie at the wheel. And sure as fuck not with Clinton.

But all that's incidental when it comes to Sanders' assault on rich people. Do I think the distribution of wealth is grotesquely imbalanced in this country? Of course I do. And we should absolutely be addressing this. You can't have the wealthiest of the wealthiest gaming the system to keep making themselves richer and richer while the rest of us keep getting poorer and poorer. There are companies run by some of the richest people on earth who have an entire workforce supplemented by welfare. They get huge tax benefits and breaks that regular citizens can't even fathom benefiting from. They use their massive wealth to buy our politicians so they can do whatever the fuck they want... including destroying the environment. They are untouchable and influential at the highest possible levels of a government they've bought and paid for. No rules apply.

That being said, I'm tired of the sorry socialist rhetoric that implies wealthy individuals don't pay taxes. Loopholes and all, the wealthy pay massive amounts in taxes... hell, they pay most of the taxes (don't let Leona Helmsley fool you). Percentage-wise it may seem as though they aren't paying their fair share... but dollar-wise they pay more than their fare share. And everybody has opinions on which way you should be measuring it. I'm somewhere in the middle. Tax loopholes that only benefit the wealthy should be closed, because establishing them for the fantasy that is "trickle-down economics" that never work is categorically stupid. But setting out to screw people just because they're rich is also categorically stupid, and that's where Bernie goes off the rails for me. If you want to be fair, let's talk about a flat tax. But you can't include the very poor in a flat tax because they don't have money to pay taxes. And taxing people on welfare is makes no sense. So is it really fair that there are people who pay absolutely no taxes when the rest of us have a chunk taken out of their paycheck in taxes... even as a flat percentage? How is that "fair" for everybody? Well, it's not. But it's the only way the system can work. Poor Americans are still Americans. Even more importantly, poor Americans are still people, and I am sick and tired of the Republican spectrum implying otherwise. A good number of poor people are poor not because they want to be... but because our government failed them. If all your opportunities for a living wage are shipped off to foreign shores because the government makes it so easy for corporations to outsource jobs... and even easier for those corporations to shelter their profits from taxes... who is the bigger leach on society? I'm not pretending I have the answer here (I lean strongly to a straight percentage tax levied on all goods that are not edible) but I will say that neither the system we currently have... nor Bernie Sanders' Socialist Utopia... is a viable option.

I could go on and on. But nobody wants to read that. Suffice to say that while I appreciate the passion Bernie Sanders has for working class Americans and preaching equality for all in a system that's far from equal... I think his brand of socialism is not "America" and has no place in the presidency.

Jim Webb is the Rand Paul of the Democratic ticket. A whiny candidate that has zero chance of staying in the game, but demands that everybody pretend he does anyway. If he spent what debate time he was given in a useful way, maybe Anderson Cooper would have let us hear more from him so he could craft any semblance of a serious presidential candidate. But Webb doesn't feel like he's taking any of this seriously. Or rather, he's impossible for anybody to actually take seriously. From his crazy ramblings about killing a guy (which is a fascinating aside, by the way) to his weird, shifty takes on racial justice, he felt more like a Republican candidate than a Democratic one (Iraq War vote excepted), and has nobody but himself to blame that he got short-changed on time.

Martin O'Malley literally faded away on that stage. Despite having good talking points and a bit of passion for Democratic ideals, I sincerely doubt he made any impression whatsoever on voters. It's kind of a shame, too, as he's a healthy middle ground between Clinton and Sanders. If he could get Democrats even a little excited about his candidacy, he might make a good Vice President. Assuming Bill Clinton passes on the job.

If Martin O'Malley made a weak impression, I'd have to say that Lincoln Chafee made no impression at all. Or, if you want to factor in his absurdly stupid "It was my first day in office!" response, a bad impression. And, let's face it, his excuse for having voted to repeal the Glass-Steagall Act was stupid. What happens if he gets elected? "I didn't mean to launch a nuclear missile at Canada and turn Toronto into a radiation-soaked crater... it was my first day as president, so give me a break!" Of course, this is the guy who thinks he should get the nomination by default because he never had any scandals attached to his name. If there's no better reason he's unelectable, that would be it. If you're a politician not embroiled in scandals, you're not in the game.

Can you believe we have five more of these things to go? Good Lord... just have Hillary Clinton announce her running mate and get on with it all ready. Anything more than that is pointless.

Though wouldn't it be cool if some game-changing event lands on the Democratic ticket to make next month's debate must-see TV? We can always hope.



Posted on September 16th, 2015

Dave!I know I shouldn't be shocked about how utterly horrific the second Republican Presidential Debate turned out to be... but it's kind of hard not to be. There was a serious amount of stupid on that stage, and the notion that one of these assholes could very well end up being President of the United States of America fills me with a depression usually reserved for when my favorite TV shows get canceled. But then I remember I'm leaning towards becoming an anarchist, and the sooner we get somebody into office who will finish wrecking this country so badly that people will have no choice but to burn it to the ground and start over... well, not such a bad debate after all.

Surprising nobody, Trump dominated the debate. Again. But we'll get to that in a minute.

Hands-down my favorite moment in this debate (and probably any debate ever) is when Carly Fiorina whipped out this jewel after Jeb! Bush admitted to smoking pot...

"I know that the marijuana kids are smoking today is not the same marijuana that Jeb! Bush smoked 40 years ago."

Because of that moment... and her answers to a few other questions (including the "What woman would you put on the $10 bill"), I give the debate win to Carly Fiorina. Too bad she would be an awful, awful president. Her time running Hewlett-Packard was so disastrous that I'm shocked the company is still around. She was truly bad at her job, making such horrible decisions that it's amazing she's able to keep a straight face when talking about how her business experience makes her the best candidate. Especially given that HP had no choice but to fire her incompetent ass. As if that weren't enough, she sets women's rights back a couple decades just by walking in the room. God only knows I would love a woman in the White House, but not this one (nor Hillary, if you were wondering).

The loser of the debate was Mike Huckabee. I don't care how much spin you put on every word that comes out of his mouth, you can't camouflage stupid. I swear, not one single answer he gave at the debate didn't have me wondering how his brain has enough power to keep him breathing... let alone be a presidential candidate. It is the height of irony that he thinks that "religious liberty" means cramming his bigoted version of Christianity down people's throats and forcing them to live under his religious law, all the while condemning Sharia law... which is the same fucking deal. I fucking hate Huckabee. Fuck Huckabee.

When it comes to Jeb! Bush, I remain shocked that he continues to do so shitty at these things. He's horrible at debate... often appearing flustered and unprepared, with his answers seeming to be more forced and canned than the usual kind of forced, canned answers we get at these things. When he announced, I thought for sure it would be Bush vs. Clinton for Commander in Chief. Now I have serious doubts. Eventually Trump is going to come crashing down, so maybe Jeb! still has a shot... but not if things keep going like this.

Ted Cruz panders to the Conservative base like no other. But he's fucking annoying as hell and couldn't inspire a dog to fart, let alone Republicans to get off their ass and vote. In a debate with somebody like Hillary Clinton or even Bernie Sanders, Cruz would fold like a wet paper towel and everybody knows it.

Chris Christie remains a festering pile of shit. He had no problem going against the wishes of his State as governor for political gain. There is no reason to believe he won't do the same as president. He's a petty, vindictive asshole who doesn't give two shits about the people he serves. There is no way he can fool people enough to get near the candidacy, and his time at the debate only confirmed it.

Marco Rubio is hard to figure out. I loathe him, but he's not speaking to people like me. And yet... when I try to put myself into the mindset of who he is talking to, he always falls short, despite having a compelling personal narative. Do I think Rubio is electable? Sure. But he desperately needs to excite people, and he seems incapable of doing so. Even when he's at his best... hammering away with Conservative talking points like he means it... he comes across as insincere to me. Though, to be honest, I think he's being nothing but sincere. Maybe it's his speaking cadence... he seems to forget what he's going to say off-and-on. Or maybe not. I dunno. Maybe it's just because he's so massively full of shit and I can't get past it.

Scott Walker's performance was abysmal. It's like he's in a hole and can't help but keep shoveling dirt on his own head. At this point I think he's gone so obscure that people might mistake him for John Kasich. Quite a decline from earlier days... and an earlier dabate... where he fared much better.

And speaking of John Kasich... assuming he can get people to know who he is, Kasich is probably the most electable candidate right now. He seems to be deftly sidestepping the crazy fringe of the hardcore Right, but projects Conservative values. He doesn't engage in personal attacks, but has no problem standing his ground. He seems smart, educated, and informed. But, as we saw with Jon Huntsman, that doesn't get you candidacy. It gets you utterly eviscerated by the Republican party. They want crazy-ass candidates much more than they want to win an election, apparently.

And speaking of crazy-ass candidates... here comes Trump. He got a lot of screen time at the debate, but most of it seemed to be fending off attacks from other candidates. I think people are starting to realize that his empty promises of being the guy to make everything perfect are, in fact, empty. Who knows how he's going to "make America great again"... you're just supposed to take his word for it. And I get it. When he was on Colbert, I found myself falling for his sticht, but it won't last forever. It can't. At some point there has to be some substance behind the talk.

While I rather like Ben Carson, I just don't see him getting any kind of support from the people running the Republican party regardless of where his poll numbers are. He's intelligent, respectful, and seems genuinely caring and kind... all the kiss of death for GOP candidates. But his worst sin is that he's boring. He should have nailed Trump to the wall over vaccinations, but took way-too-high a road and came across milk toast, which is par for the course. To win the ticket, you need to excite voters... on both sides... you can't just dance around issues and hope people elect you for being the nice guy.
UPDATE: Well, it would seem Carson has decided the way to excite voters is to go full-on racist bigot by declaring Muslims unfit for the presidency. Apparently he doesn't seem to think they can distance themselves from their religion enough to make decisions in the best interest of Americans. AND YET HE HAS NO PROBLEM WITH CHRISTIANS DOING EXACTLY THAT?!? This constant double standard when it comes to religion drives me insane. YOUR RELIGION DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE MORAL HIGH GROUND JUST BECAUSE YOU PUT YOUR FAITH IN IT!

Rand Paul remains a pathetic whiny baby and a complete embarrassment. He speaks with conviction about things which have no basis in reality. A weak candidate that couldn't even hope to take on Hillary or Bernie in a fight. Thankfully, the faux-libertarian will never get the chance. Out of all the people on the stage tonight, he seems to have the biggest potential to embarrass the country... and that's saying a lot considering who is standing up there with him.

And there you have it. A bunch of people I want nowhere near the White House.

Coming soon, a handful of Democrats I want nowhere near the White House.



Posted on August 6th, 2015

Dave!Well that was... uhhh... horrible.

I had planned on doing a little serious analysis on the Republican Presidential Candidate Debate that went down this evening, but the whole thing was such a farce that there's nothing I can actually take seriously...

GOP Debate
Photo from Getty Images

Though I would be hard-pressed to pick a "winner" for the evening, I think it's pretty safe to say that Carly Fiorina and Marco Rubio were the stand-out candidates. Realistically, anyways. One could make an argument for Donald Trump (and they wouldn't be wrong... he definitel stood out) but he's just not a realistic option, and most of his time was spent reinforcing why he'd make a awful president. What a petty, useless, waste of a human being.

Picking a loser is far easier. Rand Paul is such an attention-grabbing dandy douchebag that he actually makes Trump look sane by comparison. I definitely get the appeal from a Constitutional standpoint. If you're into it, that's all he does. But the guy lives in Fantasyland, and his policy positions are so unrealistic in the world we live in that he's nothing more than a pathetic joke.

The big surprise for me was just how bad Jeb! Bush comes across. For the longest time now I've distilled this race down to Bush vs. Clinton 2016... but now I just don't know. Jeb! doesn't feel the least bit presidential. Not that it matters. His brother felt even less presidential... and he was the president. Putting Ron Paul aside, nobody had a worse night than Bush in my humble opinion.

Scott Walker needs to remember that he has to appeal to women voters. I hope he and his imaginary friend fetus are very happy together, because neither of them are going to The White House.

Ben Carson impressed... but not enough. I don't see anything in him that would ignite the Republican base to turn out in droves during the big election.

John Kasich was probably the most helped by the debates because he did okay and people actually knows who he is now. Problem is... he is grossly overshadowed by just about every other candidate in attention and recognition.

As for Huckabee, Cruz, and Christie? They can go fuck themselves. Like Rubio, I think they're all self-absorbed assholes who have no interest whatsoever in representing all Americans, and I don't give two shits about any of them. In other words, they're Trump without the cash. The difference being that at least Trump is honest about what he is.

So... Fiorina vs. Clinton?


I have no qualms... none whatsoever... about us getting a female president. On the contrary, I welcome the idea of a woman Commander in Chief with an enthusiasm that I can barely contain. But these women? Not on your life.

Fiorina ran HP into the ground on a bunch of shitty decisions that have me questioning her sanity... let alone her ability to run the country. On top of that, her tirades against Planned Parenthood and women's reproductive health have me seriously questioning her commitment to her own gender.

Clinton's tenure as Secretary of State was a massive failure and I've slowly come to loathe everything she stands for. Her meddling fucked up Libya beyond repair and is indebted to foreign interests and defense contractors up to her eyeballs. Despite all her proclamations, she is the very essence of the political establishment we need to be rid of.

Right now there isn't a Republican or Democrat in the running that I want anywhere near The White House.

Good thing the office of the president is growing more and more irrelevant as The Powers That Be who actually run this country let their money make all the decisions. That makes me less depressed that somebody entirely unworthy is going to win the election and pretend to run the country.

Or is that more depressed?

I can't really decide.


New Hampshire

Posted on January 10th, 2012

Dave!And so this happened...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave says The results are in! Mitt Romney won New Hampshire!

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave says Now we get to wait and see how many candidates will be dropping out of... (Bad Monkey is straining)

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave says ...the... uhhh... Republican Race... (Bad Monkey shit on the floor)

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave says You can't leave that there! Somebody might not see it and step in it! (Bad Monkey picks his nose)

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey sticks a flag in the pile of shit he left.

DAVETOON: The flag sticking in the pile of shit is an ELECT SANTORUM 2012 flag.

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave stares at the pile of shit with the ELECT SANTORUM flag in it.

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave cleans up the pile of shit.

The only thing left of the pile of Santorum Shit is a stain on the floor.

Now that Rick "Piece of Shit" Santorum has come in a pathetic fifth place after Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman, and Newt Gingrich, is it too much to hope that he drops out of the race?

Because please, Rick, please drop out of the race.

I am just done with your stupid fucked-up racist, homophobic, sexophobic, anti-woman, anti-college, anti-poor, anti-environment, anti-gay, anti-diversity, anti-American bullshit, and there's no place in this country for your disgusting hate-filled rhetoric.

Just be content that you took a big ol' dump on the USA and move on.

Then never show your face in public again. The only thing I ever want to see of you is the giant shit stain that's left once you've been scraped off the face of America and tossed in the garbage where you belong.

Oh, and before I forget... fuck you for shitting all over my country. That stain is not going to be an easy thing to get out. Even with some Oxi-Clean and a bottle of Clorox.


Bullet Sunday 263

Posted on January 8th, 2012

Dave!It's Bullet Sunday in the middle of Winter... except the sunny days and complete lack of snow makes if feel a lot more like Spring. I'm seriously starting to wonder if we're ever going to get a winter. Hope everybody in the Valley is fond of water shortages come Summer.

• Doodle! The "Google Doodles" are always interesting, but the Charles Addams birthday doodle from yesterday hit it out of the park...

Google Adaams Doodle

The original cartoons were genius. Still are. And this was the perfect tribute. If your only experience with The Addams Family is the old television show and the Barry Sonnenfeld movies, then you owe it to yourself to check out the original cartoon collections. Not only are they funny as hell, but the artwork is absolutely beautiful. Even the most simple drawings have lush details and textures...

Uncle Fester!

Besides, who doesn't love Uncle Fester?

• Taco! As the Doritos flavors keep getting more and more "extreme" I find myself liking them less and less. Nacho Cheese Doritos are so caked with cheese powder that you can barely taste the corn anymore. Which is why I'm such a big fan of the "retro" re-release of the original-flavor 1960's Taco Doritos. I thought they were going to be a temporary thing, but they keep showing up at the grocery store...

Taco Doritos!

The flavor is nicely "taco-like" but not at all overwhelming. You can still taste the corn chip. They also make an incredible topper to a veggie taco salad. I have my fingers crossed that they continue to be popular so Frito-Lay will keep making them.

• Ojo! I've worn glasses for what seems like forever... but it's the "vitreous floaters" that are the real problem with my eyes. For those lucky enough not to know what "vitreous floaters" are, they're tiny particles floating around in the goo that's in the middle of your eyeball. They cast shadows on your retina which makes little blurry spots that move around your field of vision. Most of the time I don't notice them. But, as I get older, more and more of them are forming. This makes them more noticeable more often.

Every once in a while, I do an internet search to see if there's any new technology for dealing with the problem. Maybe they've found a laser than can vaporize the floaters. Or maybe there's a new medicine that can disintegrate them. But, alas, no. The only solution seems to be to suck the goo out of the middle of my eye and completely replace it with saline water. It sounds horrific. And dangerous. And I'm not nearly desperate enough to let somebody suck goo out of my eyeball. At least not yet.

But now the reality is setting in that one day I may actually be that desperate.

Holy crap.

• Firm! I'm a fan of nearly all the early John Grisham books. They're not deep by any means, but they are darn good entertainment. The Pelican Brief, The Client, The Runaway Jury... all good fun. But it's The Firm (the first Grisham book I read) that I like the best. It was a really good story that had some genuine suspense built-in. Sure the Tom Cruise movie fucked all that up, but I still always wondered what happened to the characters in the book. Instead of that, I got this...

The Firm Cast

NBC Television has a new series called The Firm which picks up ten years after the FILM ended (not the book). And, despite starring the talented Josh Lucas, it's kind of a mess in the way it bounces around. Mitch McDeere is no longer on the run... he's just a lawyer with a sketchy past doing regular lawyer stuff (like most every other lawyer show on TV). In other words The Firm has become boring and unoriginal. Sure there's hints that things are going to ramp up, but in a totally redundant way. Mitch is involved with yet another evil law firm! Not enough of a retread? Oh yeah... here comes the mob. Again. What the hell? Oh well. It's not like I had time to fit a new show in my television-watching schedule anyway.

• Debate! The Republican Debate last night was... interesting. You get the sense that the candidates reeeeeally don't like each other. At all. Indeed the only thing they seem to hate more than each other is President Obama. I guess this is understandable, but they blow it way out of proportion. I'm not Obama's biggest fan by a longshot, but the level of blame they lay at his doorstep is categorically absurd. In many respects, President Obama is practically a Republican, so it's kind of senseless too. But I guess they gotta play to their voter base however they can, and demonizing Obama is a quick and easy way to do that.

The debate itself was pretty lame... but also a bit enlightening. Mitt Romney comes across as a huge dick when he fails at being clever, which is often. Rick "Piece of Shit" Santorum bounces between being a disgruntled idiot and a whiny baby. Newt Gingrich is just plain bitter all the time. Rick Perry is just fucking stupid. Ron Paul is entertaining, but not always in a good way.

And then there's Jon Huntsman. The only current Republican candidate I can even fathom voting for. He's got Conservative sensibilities. He's got loads of experience in the international arena. He's personable and inspiring. He's smart, quick on his feet, and not overly-reactionary. In short... I honestly believe that he's the only GOP candidate that could move independent voters in a race against Obama. And yet... his own party seems to hate him. Probably because he's not Conservative to crazy enough extremes. It's a real shame too, because nobody else on that stage is going to woo the much-needed middle ground. If things keep going like they are, I guess we're getting four more years of ObamaNation.

Annnnd... I'm spent. Sometimes bullets can really take it out of a guy.



Posted on December 10th, 2011


I woke up at some ungodly hour this morning so I could watch the lunar eclipse.

I was expecting to see something like this...

Photo of a Lunar Eclipse

Instead what I saw was this...

Dave Eclipseless Cloudy Night

Clouded in again. Story of my life.

Can't catch a break when it comes to eclipseses eclipsees eclipses.

The latest Republican Debate that aired tonight was PRICELESS. Seriously, unless you saw it you just don't know. I didn't think it was possible for the entertainment value on these things to go up with Cain no longer in the picture, but there you go. It was like the nomination was pinned to a piece of raw meat that was thrown into the middle of the room and they all had to fight over it. Some of the attacks and in-fighting were so delicious that I found myself wanting to lick my television screen.

Usually, I'd run a recap of all the candidates and how they did, but it really wasn't that kind of debate. The only thing that surprised me this time around was how questions were designed to attack Gingrich in a kind of passive-aggressive way. I mean, when you ask about the importance of marriage fidelity when Gingrich is on his third marriage and everybody else is on their first, it's pretty obvious. I guess this means the honeymoon is over, and the Powers That Be have decided it's time for Newt to take a powder.

But despite it all, I'd say that Gingrich still came out on top (even if he likes to invent invented people). It wasn't hard to do when Mitt Romney was getting slapped around the entire time (and reminding everybody that he's sooooooo rich that a $10,000 bet is not a big deal didn't help his case much).

Rick "Piece of Shit" Santorum and Michele "Bat-Shit-Crazy" Bachmann can't drop any lower than they already are, so I'd say the big loser of the night was Rick Perry. His folksy form of Christian exploitation and poor grasp of even basic issues makes him sound like he's mentally deficient. But what do I know... maybe that's what Republicans are looking for in a candidate. Has he had his turn as front-runner yet?

Personally, I don't want to wait for a Republican candidate to emerge victorious before debating President Obama. The entire panel seems to to nothing but attack the guy, so why not invite him to the next debate? That would be all kinds of awesome.

In the meanwhile, getting a good night's sleep would be all kinds of awesome.

If I were as insanely rich as Mitt Romney, I'd wager $10,000 it ain't gonna happen though.


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