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Idolatry

Posted on Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Dave!I just don't "get" American Idol. I have never watched an episode, but every singer I can think of who has come from the show is total shit. Clay Aiken? Absolutely horrendously awful in every way. Crappy voice, heinous stage presence. Kelly Clarkson? BORING! She retreads through territory that we've seen a hundred times before, and her songs are gag-inducing. Taylor Hicks? I know he won because I heard about it when he was on Chelsea Lately... but I've never seen or heard him perform anywhere on anything. Ever. Big clue that he must suck ass. Jordin Sparks? The only thing I've heard from her was the complete destruction of Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer. After that travesty, I have no desire to hear anything else she does. And that pretty much goes for anyone coming off American Idol.

And yet, everybody I know is just enraptured by the show. It's massively popular. So what am I missing?!? Since there was nothing on TV last night as I was flipping through channels, I decided to see what's up.

When I first dropped by, it was a bunch of horrendous singers butchering Santana's "Smooth"... WITH SANTANA!! It was positively mind-boggling. None of these people can sing!! None of them had any harmony with each other! It was borderline tragic how terrible they sounded. I was horrified that Santana was forced to endure such torture, and was hoping that he had somebody to watch over him that night because I worried he might try and hurt himself.

THEN, after escaping, I flipped back to see Steve Martin playing a freakin' BANJO while two truly bad singers were wailing over it with voices so grating that paint started peeling off my walls. The guy sounded like his vocal cords were being attacked by a feral badger, and the gal sounded like she was gargling a tone deaf rodent. AWFUL!!!

I couldn't take anymore and had to turn the channel to something with entertainment value... like Rush Limbaugh... but then my friend Meagan called and was squealing "OMG! YOU HAVE TO TURN BACK TO IDOL!! IT'S AMAZING!!!"

So I did, and there were a bunch of hideously untalented dudes "singing" Rod Stewart's Do You Think I'm Sexy in a "performance" that was so terribly off-key and badly harmonized that I was searching for a pencil to gouge my ears out. THEN... just as I was praying for death... an undead mummified corpse was rolled out with horrible hair and an embarrassing wardrobe to sing with them. Once I snapped out of my trauma-induce shock, I realized it was ROD STEWART HIMSELF and was scrambling for the remote so I could turn off the television before I went into a coma from the distress of watching poor Rod be humiliated anymore.

So, yeah... that was enough American Idol suckage for me. Any more, and I would have tried to saw my own head off.

And speaking of saws...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave Mac and Lil' Wayne PC

DAVETOON: Holy crap, PC... what are you doing? My legs have performed a Windows security violation so I'm cutting them off with this saw!

DAVETOON: Do you think that's a good idea? Meh... it's not like I ran very well with Vista anyway.

Poor PC... he really should have tried installing Linux before going to such extreme measures! Though Windows Vista makes me insane every time I use it, so I guess this shouldn't be too surprising.

To see all of the Lil' Dave Mac vs. Lil' Wayne PC ads, click here!

And before I go... knowing my love for all things Betty White, and my total man-crush on Ryan Reynolds, about twenty people forwarded me a link to this Funny or Die bit which features BOTH of them...

Even though I have zero interest in yet another Sandra Bullock romantic comedy, there is no way I can resist a movie which has both the incomparable Betty White and the hysterically funny Ryan Reynolds. Talk about can't-miss casting! And, much to my surprise, the trailer actually looks pretty good... I am SO there.

And now... it's off to a very full day of work. And drinking. Drinking to forget the horrors I witnessed on American Idol.

Comments

  1. Mrs. Hall says:

    The most irritating thing about American Idol is how every singer is HELL BENT ON LETTING ALL OF US KNOW WHAT GOOD SINGERS THEY ARE!!!!!!!AWESOME SINGER~!!!!

    so they over sing, over vocalize, trample their neediness all over the songs.

    good singers let the songs sing themselves and back teh fuck up!!!!

    ok whew!!

    i fell better.

    i do say though, i enjoy a good kelly clarkson diddy. SINCE YOU BEEN GOOOONEEE!!!!

    good to belt along to whilst cruising around town :)

  2. Hilly says:

    I keep telling you to back the fuck away from MY man Ryan but do you ever listen? Noooooooooooo!

    ;)

  3. LeSombre says:

    I tweeted about American Idol yesterday:

    “ok, I’m watching Americal Idol for the first time this season. Those two were really the best? Really?”

    I’m with you on all the crap that comes out of there.

  4. whall says:

    Heh, brilliant.

    My win.ini file has this in it:

    SawOffLegs = 1;
    RunFaster = 0;

    when I tried to change the RunFaster directive to 1, that’s when I noticed it didn’t help that I had sawed off my legs.

    and I agree about American Idol however I’m not as proactive as you in pointing out what I hate/dislike/wouldliketopisson. I aspire to someday, though.

  5. Dave2 says:

    This actually happened to me when Vista decided all of the video components in Media Player were unauthorized. I could still play audio, but no video file of any kind would play. Since I couldn’t find a way to reinstall Media Player, I had to reinstall Vista from scratch. AGAIN!!

    I have to get all my frustrations about Vista off my chest, because I’m kind of liking Windows 7 a little bit… :-)

  6. whitenoise says:

    Very descriptive. Yer a funny man, Dave…

    ;-)

  7. metalmom says:

    I have been amazed at the number of people on the east coast who ‘tweet’ play-by-play accounts of what is happening on AI, Dancing with the Stars, and all that other dreck. Not that I give a shit but I know that they are spoiling it for the west coast. I can’t watch tv the next day because every detail is rehashed by every news report and morning show.

    I for one cannot wait for this crap to burn off into the freaking sunset!!

  8. I’m loving these Mac/PC toons.

    And I LOVE all things Ryan Reynolds. That is one hot piece of ass.

  9. claire says:

    I’ve never gotten into Idol either. I didn’t even realize half the people you listed had won though I did know Clay came in 2nd to Ruben. Whatever.

    That video made me laugh though, so thanks.

  10. Robin says:

    ::stifles laughter but failing miserably::

    Dave, you can’t turn on AI on the FINALE show and decide you hate it. You have to watch it from the beginning of the season all the way until the end to have a sheer appreciation (or hatred) for the cheesiness that is that show.

    Then again, I am corny, I love corny stuff, and although I say every year I am not watching it I always get sucked back in.

    Don’t work too hard, puleeze. You’ll end up falling out in the office like my co-worker today.

  11. kapgar says:

    Hmmm… the video doesn’t show up. I might have to visit FunnyOrDie and find it myself. Weirdness.

    And Betty White sold us on going to see this new movie. We were on the fence. We both like Ryan Reynolds (well, Katie loves him) and we’re both a bit unmoved by Sandra Bullock. But Betty did it for us.

  12. A Lewis says:

    As an avid AI follower for several years now, I must admit that I think my time has run out for tolerating the show…..lackluster, mediocre, even poor in some cases. It just was not worth me investing four months in watching it. No thanks.

  13. Avitable says:

    A good band or musician makes music that speaks to me. American Idol competitors and winners don’t say shit.

    I cannot understand the appeal of this horrible show either.

  14. Tracie says:

    The Finale show had moments. Some were great. Some were not. You can’t watch a few moments and go “it sucks”, as you did happen to tune in during the bad moments.

    The Rod Stewart moment was definitely painful to watch.

    I too was scratching my head at the banjo bit. I think Steve Martin just wanted to play the banjo on American Idol. Why they picked two of the worst singers who got voted off early in the season to sing along side him? Who knows. Bad move.

    The KISS part was awesome though. If you like Kiss. Seeing Queen was pretty cool, but never the same without Freddie Mercury… but still pretty neat as Queen is exactly the type of band one of the finalist should be in (Adam Lambert).

    In other words, I completely agree with Robin that you can’t judge the show based on a few performances at the very end of its season.

  15. Kate says:

    I hate the show, too! Last night the Chicago Tribune actually sent out an e-mail alert regarding who had won (like I give a shit). I saw it as a sign of the apocalypse.

  16. Brent says:

    Wow, you are right, these toons are getting violent! I have had very little experience with Vista, but I too have been using Win7 a bit recently. And it’s not too bad.

    I didn’t see Martin’s performace last night. I take it he didn’t sing and just plucked the banjo? If you want to see some Martin brilliance from ’83…click here.

  17. idol rulez says:

    ur a fuckin tard fag with no talent so u think idol sucks cuz ur jelous as hell u cant be on it!! why dont u go suck a cock and fuck off with the other idol hater faggots!!! idol rulez cuz ppl w real talent wins. GO KRIS!!!!!!!! kris has talent and adam is a gay fag who cant sing so kris won. the end!! to bad ur such a fag and cant ever be on idol!!!!!!! lol!!!

  18. Dave2 says:

    ZOMG! You nailed it! I am TOTALLY a jealous retarded gay fag Idol hater because they won’t let me on the show! But, unfortunately for you, I’m also a DISCRIMINATING gay fag Idol hater, so all your subliminal efforts to get me to suck your cock result in FAIL! I’m afraid you’ll just have to think of me while you go suck your own cock. Too bad you have such a tiny penis and can’t even find it! LOL!!!

  19. I stopped watching after Fantasia. It started concentrating on the judges antics instead of the quality of the participants and I lost all respect for the show.

  20. bluepaintred says:

    five years ago I watched an episode of Canadian idol. mainly becuase we were stuck in an RV with my inlaws and it was pouring rain outside.

  21. Hilly says:

    wow, so you’re a tard AND a fag, huh? *snort*
    awesome.

  22. sizzle says:

    I like American Idol but I take it for what it is and don’t expect amazing things from it. When the all sing together it is usually painful but I actually like many of the singers when they are on their own, hence why I watch the show. Watching last night wouldn’t show you that…but I’m definitely not trying to convert you! :-)

    Rod looked worked. I was worried he was going to fall over. Lionel, on the other hand, looked pretty good. Cyndi was sitting down so it’s hard to say.

  23. Nicole says:

    I watch Idol not because it is good, but because I have friends who like to watch it. It has become a weekly ritual for us and an easy way to stay in touch as we’ve gotten older and busier. To me the fun in Idol is the community of viewers and really has nothing to do with talent on the show and/or any real care for the show itself. Plus, when you DVR it, you can fast forward through all the crap (like Rod Stewart, who had obviously been drinking from Paula’s “special” cup directly before his performance).

  24. bubblewench says:

    Alright, I’ve tried to stay away from my opinion about this stupid show, but that’s it. I’m with you Dave! It’s dumb! I have never watched it and never will. Up with Blogography! Down with AI!

    And I always love your Davetoons.

  25. Amanda says:

    I do watch it, but I tivo it so I can fast forward through the group numbers. The individual numbers on competition nights are much better. But the rest of the crap, the group numbers, the “celebrities”, I don’t watch

  26. martymankins says:

    I see the underage troll AI fan boyz r out here posting their playa hata haf-azzd words. Nice response, Dave

  27. Laura says:

    I’ve only watched Idol off and on throughout the years – mainly during the auditions for the cringe-factor. The Proposal is probably going to be a rental for us… and God Bless Betty.

  28. Brent says:

    I love how conversation on the Internet has evolved.

  29. Never watched American Idol, never will. Well, that’s not strictly true, I did watch about 5 mins at my girlfriend’s sister’s house. But that doesn’t count at all. No, it doesn’t.

  30. Christy says:

    I don’t like American Idol either. I don’t get it. I mean, some of the really horrible auditions are funny (even if they are set up) I’ll give you that, but…yeah, that’s about it. If you don’t have something nice to say…

  31. Jeff says:

    I just can’t stop laughing at “idol rulez”. I wish I could write in moronic shorthand like that, but I am stuck with accurately spelled words and proper punctuation. Sorry everyone!

  32. Ren says:

    I confess to watching Idol, but I’m not sure I’ve actually enjoyed it much for years. I do feel the need to point out that in your panning of previous winners you neglected the most successful winner of them all, Carrie Underwood. Of course, if you aren’t into Country music, then you can automatically dismiss her.

    Also, though he didn’t win, Chris Daughtry’s band (Daughtry) might pass muster (or not, I don’t really know).

    That Funny or Die bit is hilarious!

    I’m confused by your Windows 7 comment. It seems like you said something about… *liking* it?! I’m in shock. Surely I misunderstood. Maybe I just missed the sarcasm. My world… it… seems like… it’s… crumbling…….. Argh!!!!!!!

  33. re: idol rulez….

    SEND HIM TO THE CHANS!!

  34. Breigh says:

    There was a time when American Idol was pretty good and some talent did come from it, but the last few years have sucked HARDCORE. This latest season boggles my mind because everyone and their dog is backing this emo kid who just screams and is all about the drama. Every year I swear to never watch it again, but then the curiosity gets the better of me. The fact that I stopped watching halfway through this season is a good sign that I’m soon going to stop for good.

    You have great taste in men, Ryan Reynolds is the shit.

  35. yellojkt says:

    I watched the AI final sing-off and got way too emotionally invested when the wrong guy won. The voters are idiots.

    And the Ryan Reynolds video is genius.

  36. christie says:

    god I fucking hate thoe mac/pc commercials… anyhoo..

    I hate American Idol too- I sit there and spew hate towards there as I watch it…

    we always watch the auditions and then … continue. But they’re all god awful horrible performers.

  37. etinny says:

    OMG! I’ve never watched ‘Idol’, either. Can we start a club kinda like the ‘Little Rascals’ and call it “The He Man Idol Haters Club”? When was visiting my nephew, my sister-in-law turned it on ’cause she never misses it. Even though I only see them twice a year, I took it as my cue to say “Well, gotta go!”

    During the past few weeks I found a ‘black hole’ in my TV watching and came upon BBC America’s “Any Dream Will Do” hosted by Graham Norton with a panel of judges which includes Andrew Lloyd Weber and John Barrowman from Torchwood. There are 5 finalist that are being groomed to compete for the lead in “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”. By the 3rd show I realized that it was just a variation of “Idol” and that it was more ‘cheese’ than I could stomach. “Dreamcoat”!!?? as an aspiring goal? It’s never been much of anything but a vehicle for has-been pop stars for the past 30 years. I can’t believe I got sucked in…I feel so dirty!

  38. Sybil Law says:

    I HATE American Idol! No need to convince me how much it sucks!
    Lovin’ the cartoons, though.
    Also, that movie looks good for the very reasons you pointed out.
    Um, I guess I agree with everything you said.
    I am so original!

  39. Candy says:

    Are you suggesting that if he’d tried installing Linux he would see what REAL frustration is? Since Mac is POSIX compliant I thought we could all be friends.

    – or –

    Are you suggesting that if he were to refurb the ailing PC with a fresh coat O’ Linux, his will to live would return? That seems more reasonable. Even a machine tainted with Vista may be shellacked to a high shine with a penguin inside.

    I hope you meant the latter as the former would indicate that you’d just stepped out of the 90’s.

    A fellow POSIX friend —

    Candy

    PS: American Idol is really just a metaphor for our newly commercialized sexual urges. We all prefer fame over luvvin’.

  40. Dave2 says:

    Errr… I was just suggesting that PC should have installed Linux before going to such extreme measures. Meaning… if PC would have installed Linux, he wouldn’t have had to go to the extreme measures of cutting his legs off. I don’t see how that could be interpreted as a slam against Linux, which I use and love under two distros, but glad I could clear that up??

  41. Walt says:

    Dave:

    I find it hard to believe that anyone, anyone would believe that a television contest such as Idol is a true evaluation of talent. I’ve seen first hand the process and seen talent turned away because they were not the first 100 in line. Second, the show is entertainment and ratings. Nothing, matters beyond sales dollars resulting from advertising.

    Like you I don’t get it. Why are people watching this horrible show and insisting others watch. It’s worse than having to give grandma a bath!

    As for PC, my world is so much better since you convinced me that Mac is where it is at. I actually spend my days being productive instead of searching for drivers, rebooting, and running slow virus scans. If you see PC tell him I want my money back for all those wasted year!

  42. Whit says:

    I’ve never seen American Idol and I wear it on my sleeve right next to my heart and a mustard stain.

  43. I’m with you. Haven’t watched a single episode of American Idol. Don’t ever intend to. And I don’t get it either.

    And Betty White? Fucking awesome. :)

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