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Whine

Posted on Friday, January 8th, 2010

Dave!It never ceases to amaze me how some people get such a bug up their ass when it comes to a glass of wine.

Too many times I've sat at the table with some self-professed wine connoisseur who has felt the need to bore the ever-loving shit out of everybody with their "expertise." They'll drone on and on about fruit notes and acidity. They'll wax poetic about earthy components and bold finishes. They'll be to the verge of orgasm as they describe puckery tannins and oaky bouquet. And, if you haven't lapsed into a coma when they've run out of wine buzzwords to throw at you, they'll delve into an oration on their favorite decanting techniques. It's a never-ending cavalcade of bullshit designed to make them look smart by pointing out how stupid you are because you don't give a flying fuck what "vinosity" means.

Don't get me wrong... I have nothing against people with a passion for wine who wants to discuss its intricacies and idiosyncrasies with other people who are equally inclined. But is it really necessary to force it on the rest of us? The only thing I care about in a wine is how many glasses it's going to take for me to get drunk...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey drink entirely too much wine.

A part of me wants to fight fire with fire.

What I'll do is study the hell out of some common dinner staple... like say... CORN. I'll learn everything there is to know about corn, and the next time some pompous oenophile decides to batter everybody with the depth of their wine knowledge, I'll hit back with some assholery of my own...

Wino: What a magnificent bottle! The muted tannins are fabulous, and those cherry notes exploding in my mouth are just to die for! And is that a hint of vanilla my sensitive palate is detecting? Why, yes... it is vanilla! Vanilla mixed with a touch of currant. Such sophisticated nuances here... and when you marry that to its dense body and throaty florals on the back end... it's just heaven. Heaven in a glass I say! And don't get me started on the texture! The glossy mouthfeel reminds me of a trip to Napa I took ba--
   
Dave: HAVE YOU TASTED THIS CORN?!? UN-FUCKING BELIEVABLE CORN HERE! It's sweeter than the butter they topped it with! There's also a toothy bite that makes my mouth sing... and don't get me started on those starches. This corn has starches so crisp and inviting that I'd swear my mouth has been wrapped in silk! And the color! I haven't seen a yellow this vibrant since that limited edition crop of Heirloom corn I had back in '98! I defy you to find a sexier yellow than this corn! Your piss isn't this beautiful a shade of yellow! Now, do you think this is Quincy corn or perhaps a Japanese import? If I were a betting man... AND I AM... I'd say this is some kind of organic hybrid. Perhaps using a new iteration of hydroponics-based therapy. Because this... this is some amazing shit right here. One thing's for certain... I'm ordering a second helping of this bad boy!

Well, it's either that or I start talking about Dungeons & Dragons.

Either way, I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!

Wow. I could really go for an ear of corn and a glass of wine right now.

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Categories: DaveToons 2010, Food 2010Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Brandon says:

    I completely agree. The worst is when you go to a winery and are tasting and some jackass that watched Sideways once shows up and tries to become the big, loud sommelier of the room. And usually, in any winery you go to, about half the guys in there are trying to be Miles.

  2. Breigh says:

    Wine is a touchy subject for me because it makes me feel inadequate. Living in Europe, drinking wine is something people just assume you do and enjoy. Sort of like breathing. When I tell people I don’t like wine, they look at me like I just told them I eat babies for breakfast. I don’t drink at all actually. I used to when I was younger, to get shit faced with my friends, but I’ve always hated the taste.

    My friends thought I loved it because I put them back so quickly, but that was just me trying to get drunk enough not to taste it anymore.

    So now, as an adult having dinner with friends or just out ‘for a drink’, I never have anything alcoholic. I never actually drink the wine friends bring when they come to visit.

    It all tastes the same to me. I can tell the difference between white and red, but that’s where it ends. I don’t know what makes a wine good and I don’t know at what price a bottle of wine stops being cheap wine and starts being something acceptable to bring to someone… because here in the Netherlands, you MUST bring wine if you are going to someone’s house for dinner.

    It’s traumatizing. Maybe I need one of those know-it-all assholes at my table so they can teach me a thing or two. Although, I’d probably stop listening part way through the first sentence.

    I am interested hearing about the corn, however!

  3. doctawife says:

    As someone who loves both wine and corn, I have to say that a nice Sauvignon blanc and fresh buttered corn are to die for! Just a hint of sweetness combined with buttery goodness and starchy awesomness.

    Yes!

    (And I am serious but no, I won’t shove my nose down your throat!)

  4. Robin says:

    Damn! Now, that’s funny! Can I have permission to pass this one around at the wine tasting in two weeks? You’ve made my day. :D

  5. DutchBitch says:

    I like a glass of wine now and then but most of the time I have NO clue of what I am drinking. I drink the ones I like the taste of and that don’t give me a headache and I only drink when I feel like it. It’s fine with me if people do or don’t like wine, and like you it’s not anything I enjoy discussing… Just drink it and if you want to discuss it, do it with your fellow aspiring wine experts…

    And @Breigh: that’s how people look at me when I say I hate beer LOL!

  6. crail00 says:

    This post has a bitter/sweet resonance to it. The bitter rejection of the snobbish oenophile; combined with the sweet revenge of the huskier (pun intended)male. LOL

  7. ssp says:

    Well said.

    I like a glass of wine – even without the objective of ending up drunk. It can just be nice.

    Unfortunately the poser-style talking about it remains completely incomprehensible to me. And I suspect that those fancypants adjectives people use to describe wine which sound like they could be straight from the mindless word-hell of ad-copywriting don’t even mean much because everybody will have their own idea about how each fruit tastes.

    It’s a bit like fashion or design people using fancy words when talking about colours. Pretty much pointless for anything but them feeling clever.

    While I’m not a big corn fan, I totally support your aim to become an expert/wanker on that. The only problem will probably be that once you’ve tried the world’s fines corns, you’ll become a snob who has to refuse the stuff they serve you everywhere.

  8. josh says:

    I just watched the movie “Sideways” last week and one of the characters is a self-professed “wino.” His character came across as so pompous and annoying and depressed on the inside. I was happy when he got his heart broken, even though he was the protagonist.

  9. martymankins says:

    I know some things about wine, and I enjoy a glass or two every now and then and I know how to match what wines with what foods, but I never wax poetic about it. I loathe people who are that pompous, always willing to show up the others that don’t know or don’t give a shit. I have my favorite wines and if someone is curious, I’ll let them ask and have them try a glass.

    Now for this corn, corn with butter is the best and since you already know that, I won’t go off on my corn diatribe. Until someone mentions creamed corn. Then it’s hammer time.

  10. SFChick74 says:

    People who go on about wine like that (around other people who couldn’t care less) are usually the types who go on about whatever is currently popular/trendy. I think some call them blowhards.

  11. Christopher Stogdill says:

    Instead of Dungeons and Dragons, I can send you a copy of HackMaster Basic for you to study and become knowledgable about….

    I’m not a wine drinker, but when I do consume I always insist on German Wine since I used to live in Germany and at least learned to read their bottles. I can tell what I’m going to like and will know if they are trying to seel me crappy wine at the good stuff prices. That does make me slightly pretentious (sp), but it’s more about not wasting my money, which most people can get behind.

  12. Lisa says:

    Mmmmm….corn. I love corn, but I also love it’s puffy, white little brother – hominy. Fried in butter with lots of salt and pepper? So yummy!

  13. Sybil Law says:

    Hahahahahahahahaha!
    Oh, man. You kill me. (In the best way.)
    Also, we had a similar (kinda) rant going on today…

  14. Iron Fist says:

    I am like some sort of caveman because I can’t pick out all the wonderful, subtle flavors people get out of a glass of wine and end up gulping it down because, well, I’m drinking it to get a nice mellow buzz. I can enjoy the hell out of a glass of craft beer, though.

  15. Justin Scott says:

    I’m definitely a wine lover. I lived in the wine valley for some time, an great friends with a couple sommeliers and wine shop owners. I actually have a job that’s sole purpose is to allow me to purchase and enjoy wine and to let my friends share the experience without them having to shell out a lot of money. But…

    I’ve been just as happy with a $9 bottle of Tempranillo as I have been with a $150 bottle of Bordeaux.

    My local wine shop is a no-bullshit sorta place. The owner is awesome, doesn’t push the expensive stuff and tells you when there is a cheaper option that is as good or better.

    My wine friends are exceptional, honest and not full of the bullshit you are highlighting. Those people drive me mad.

    Right now I’m in Saudi Arabia where alcohol is illegal. However, people have been known to make their own from grape juice, yeast, sugar, water, raisins, blackberries, wood chips, peppercorns and a vanilla bean.

    That’s a combination of recipes, one that I may or may not have used tonight haha.

    One of our friends out here makes the absolute BEST Vinho do Porto I’ve ever had, and they did it in their garage with stuff they bought at the local grocery store. It was amazing and the 15 bottle series cost around $40 to brew. I’d price it at around $40 per half-bottle haha.

    No bullshit, just good, homemade wine LoL

  16. Michelle M. says:

    I don’t get the whole wine thing. I just know I don’t like red or anything too heavy. And I can never taste the cherry/vanilla/floral notes. It all tastes like grapes to me.

    I went to a blind wine tasting once. The wine rated highest and lowest was the 2 buck chuck.

  17. Christine says:

    Love it! This post reminds me of Dylan Moran’s bit about wine from one of his DVDs. Here’s the link if you’ve not seen it.

  18. kandi says:

    see, this is exactly the kind of comment that makes my day. We all think it but only u can say it quite that way.ko

  19. Tug says:

    I pick my wine out by whether it has a cool bottle or not, or if I think it will have an awesome cork. The only thing I REALLY care about is if I have a clean glass to pour it in.

    And now I want corn. dammit.

  20. Nenette says:

    I’m with you.
    Besides, I’m a total cheap drunky so it doesn’t matter how fruity the damn thing is — I’ll be hosed by the second sip anyway.

  21. ChezJulie says:

    I’ve never read this blog before, but that’s totally hilarious! What a genius idea.

    And have you tasted the latest harvest of Golden Cross Bantam? This year’s kernels are truly to die for. Such insouciance.

  22. delmer says:

    Feel free to airbrush me out of, and you into, the photo at http://www.delmer.com/?p=862. You can put it in your wallet so you can show folks a photo of your trip to Cornhenge.

    When it comes to wine, I choose a label I like. And if I find a label I like and it’s next to a price sticker that’s marked $3.99 … it’s all the better.

  23. muskrat says:

    Whenever someone starts waxing about tannins, I pull out my johnson and start screaming, “HEY EVERYBODY–CHECK OUT MY DICK!!!!”

    This will usually deliver the subtle hint that I’m less than interested.

    *By the way, ask Deb about corn sometime and then listen to her rant about how it caused the rise of Hitler and rampant obesity in our world population. Very interesting.

  24. whitenoise says:

    Thanks for the laugh, dude. :-)

  25. Suebob says:

    Pretty much every study ever done has shown that wine connoisseurs don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground, wine-wise. They have even not been able to tell red wine from white wine, when a white was tinted with food coloring.

    Here’s one study:
    http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/09/090912124050.htm

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