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Posted on Monday, January 4th, 2010


For a Certified Apple Whore such as myself, this is the equivalent of getting a free 3-month supply of hookers with a case of Snack-Pack Chocolate Pudding on top. The question is... will His Holiness, Steve Jobs, be the one to run the event? Because that's the difference between your free hookers having all their teeth or not (admittedly, some guys find the idea of a toothless strumpet to be Prostitute Nirvana, but I assure you that I am not one of them).

Obviously, my preference would be for Mr. Jobs to descend from the heavens on a sun-beam, alight on that high pedestal upon which I place him, and unleash the new hotness that Apple has up their collective sleeves...

Steve Jobs Descends from Heaven

But, when push comes to shove, I'll reluctantly accept a Jobs substitution by Jonathan Ivy, Phil Schiller, or whatever other dentally-challenged whores they've got hanging around at Apple. In this case, it's not the messenger, it's the message that's important. Hell, Apple's new toy could be stuck in a pile of flaming dog shit and dropped on-stage by Dick Cheney riding a three-legged goat while masturbating to donkey porn... it just doesn't matter. If the "device" Apple is announcing is up to their usual awesome standards, nobody would notice.

The rumor mill is saying that the "device" is a tablet computer of some sort. Kind of like a giant iPhone... but with magical properties that have yet to be defined.

I'm putting my bets on no-smudge anti-gravity screen, nuclear battery with a 100-year charge, and a psychic brain-link interface. Pudding rack optional.

Either that, or the iToast is making its debut at last.


  1. Marc says:

    Hopefully, this รผber-awesome giant iPhone will at least come with a working backup solution… ๐Ÿ˜›

  2. Avitable says:

    I’m interested to see what product it will be. With my iPhone and AppleTV, I’m slowly becoming a Mac Whore!

  3. kapgar says:

    100 year battery? Sweet! Of course Nokia will sue over it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. delmer says:

    “and a psychic brain-link interface”

    I heard on the radio, just this morning, that Hitachi is working on a TV remote that a person controls with their brain. You may have to wear it on your head — while that may detract from the coolness of it, a person’s hands would still be free for chips and beer.

  5. Pudding rack optional?!?! I’m hoping that whatever they’ve come up with, it’s tied in to a partnership with Godiva and the damned thing will deliver chocolate truffles ON COMMAND WHENEVER YOU FUCKING WANT THEM!!!! *Pant, pant*

    One can dream, can’t one?

  6. Howard says:

    And just in time for me to possibly go back to work at the retail store. Weee. (Had my hours cut at the full-time job.)

  7. Kim Trimble says:

    The answers are yes, yes, and oh yesssss.

    You’re welcome, oh mortal one.

    ; )

  8. Princess of the Universe says:

    I prefer that my hookers have teeth as a rule…

  9. I’m really interested in seeing exactly what he unveils at that event. A tablet no doubt, but I’m looking forward to hearing why he thinks I’d need one. If I already have a MBP and an iPhone, what hole in my gadget arsenal is this going to fill?

    Not that I really need to justify it. I mean, OMFG it’s a tablet and I want one NOW!!

  10. John says:

    You could chill the internal parts to 1 degree kelvin, thus making the circutry superconductive, improving energy consumtion with 0 resistance and speed with a faster rate of electron travel…if I have my theroy right. But then the computer would give you frostbite on contact, not a good feature for a tablet. Maybe best saved for the next Mac…

  11. B.E. Earl says:

    I’m anti-Apple guy, but the thought of their iTablet/Reader intrigues me. Just bought a Kindle for Gia and and I’ll assume she won’t waste any time retiring it once the Apple version comes out.

    In other words, mostly new Kindle for me!!!

  12. Maybe the iSlate will finally rear it’s pretty face?

  13. I just got a half-chub at the thought of that. Also, I was humming “Come As You Are” after you wrote Nirvana. I may or may not be under the influence of Nyquil.

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