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Jeopardy

Posted on Monday, June 1st, 2009

Dave!Given my genius-level intelligence, it should come as no surprise that I like the mental workout provided by the game show Jeopardy. The questions are always fairly tough at the higher dollar amounts, and I only manage to answer Final Jeopardy correctly half the time. This kind of challenge is what makes the show so much fun.

It is my understanding that every contestant on the show has been tested for a good knowledge of trivia and overall smarts. This is wise, because the competition wouldn't be much fun if the contestants were all idiots.

Unfortunately, the "smarts" they test for must not include basic math skills.

I am beginning to lose track of the number of times I've watched an otherwise smart person fuck up and lose everything during their Final Jeopardy wager because they couldn't add properly. They'll write down the wrong number for some dumb reason, answer the question correctly, LOSE, and then poor Alex Trebek has to explain to them that they're a moron.

Even worse are the "Daily Double" questions, where a contestant can double their wager if they answer correctly. You regularly see people who bet some pathetic amount when they are in last place, even though they should have risked it all so they could stay in the game.

It's sad, really.

If it were ME running Jeopardy, and some dumbass decided to wager $100 when they're so far behind that their only chance is to wager everything they have... well, my reaction would be a lot different from Alex Trebek's kindly smile and condescending banter...

You're in last place, how much will you wager?

I'll bett one hundred dollars, Alex

Lil' Dave takes out a gun... BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!!

Because, seriously, nobody that frackin' stupid deserves to be on Jeopardy... they spoil it for everybody.

And by "everybody" I mean "me."

Oh well. New episodes of Burn Notice start tomorrow! So very soon now I won't have to rely on game shows to see something new on TV.

I can't wait.

   

Avatar

Posted on Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

Dave!When it comes to avatars, I like photographs best because you can put a face to what somebody wrote. So even though I think Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey would make better avatars for me, I always bite the bullet and upload a photo of myself.

Unlike SOME people (ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem... etc. etc... YOU know who you are!).

This is my default avatar...

Davatar Square

Whenever I sign up for a new social media site or online service or user forum or whatever, that's what I use. It's fairly current, doesn't look too hideous, is perfectly square, reduces well, and is stored on my desktop so it's ready to go at a moment's notice.

And most of the time it's fine because I don't use those kind of sites very often.

But Twitter is a service I use every day, several times a day. Whatever photo I use on Twitter is something I see constantly. Consequently, I get bored with my avatar after a while and am compelled to change it. To keep track of the photos I've used, I put copies in a folder. Today, I changed avatars again, and noticed that folder is getting quite full. Turns out I've used 21 different images for Twitter so far...

Davatars

Meh. Perhaps one of these days I'll find myself an avatar I like well enough to keep for a while.

   

But before I go... while puttering around the internet today, I found this to be very cool and this to be totally reprehensible.

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Categories: Blogging 2009Click To It: Permalink  34 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Escape

Posted on Wednesday, June 3rd, 2009

Dave!I am planning an escape. Who's with me?

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey rips a hole in my blog to see fluffy clouds

   

   

   

Sims3

Posted on Thursday, June 4th, 2009

Dave!It is thundering so loud the windows are shaking. It's a nice compliment to the rain pounding on the roof. I have no idea where this weather came from, but I kind of like it. Except for the temperature, which is stuck at 92° and way too hot for my tastes.

I'm not much of a Sims "life simulation" fan, but decided to buy The Sims 3 for my iPhone anyway. It'll give me something to do when I'm next stranded at the airport. It's surprisingly good. Shockingly good even. They made it a much bigger world that I'd have thought for an iPhone app. If I ever have time to play with it, I think it will be a lot of fun...

Sims3: Character Creating Dave
Creating a Dave2 Sim... He's geeky hot, like Alfalfa minus the rooster-tail.

Sims3: Sim Dave Takes a Shower
Dave2 Sim Trying to Stay Clean... And, yes, I shower with my boxers on.

Sims3: Sim Dave Has a Chat
Dave2 Sim is Chatting Up the Ladies... How you doin'??

Sims3: Visiting Town
Dave2 Sim Around Town... Looking for a bank to rob.

Three days until I leave town. I'd best try to get some work done before I go...

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Clueless

Posted on Friday, June 5th, 2009

Dave!I am pretty much clueless when it comes to rhetorical questions.

I just thought I'd put that out there. This way, if we ever meet, there won't be an uncomfortable moment for you when you say "How are you?" and I respond with a ten minute dissertation on that strange burning sensation when I urinate. Or when you say something like "Why me?" and I give you a lecture on how God really doesn't like you very much, and your current plight is probably because The Almighty is punishing you for all that sinful masturbation.

It's a tragic character flaw, but at least now I know that I have a problem with rhetorical questions.

There was once a time that I was clueless about being clueless about rhetorical questions.

But all that changed one day thanks to my friend Oliver.

Olver is a very cool, very British, former co-worker who is incredibly fond of saying "Well that's not right, now is it?" when faced with a situation gone wrong. He says it constantly. There'd be a pickle on his sandwich when he asked for no pickle... "Well that's not right, now is it?" A print-out would be smeared with ink... "Well that's not right, now is it?" A woman with an unfortunate haircut would walk by... "Well that's not right, now is it?"

With most people, this would be annoying as hell, but when spoken with Oliver's posh English accent it never got old.

Apparently what was annoying was my constantly answering Oliver whenever he said "Well that's not right, now is it?"

Because one day when Oliver said "Well that's not right, now is it?" after the wrong text was placed in a document... I replied with "No, it most certainly isn't right!" and Oliver shot back with "THAT WAS A BLOODY RHETORICAL QUESTION! OF COURSE I KNOW IT'S NOT RIGHT!!!"

All I could say was "Oh, sorry!" and admit to myself that I have a problem.

This was only reinforced today when I was getting help at the drugstore and a very smelly woman waiting behind me mumbled "How much longer is this going to take?" Apparently I was asking too many questions about the right kind of splint to buy for my sprained finger.

Given my smart mouth, I really shouldn't have answered that particular rhetorical question...

   

Saturdays

Posted on Saturday, June 6th, 2009

Dave!Last Saturday I was wandering through beautiful sun-drenched parks, playing mini-golf, drinking J├Ąger shots, and eating really bad Mexican food.

This Saturday I spent every last minute inside a dark room glued to a glowing computer screen, desperately trying to get caught up with work before I have to leave on Monday.

If there's a better example of karma in action, I don't know what it would be...

Bothell Landing Park

Tomorrow?

More of the same. More of the same.

   

Bullet Sunday 135

Posted on Sunday, June 7th, 2009

Dave!Sometimes, one is all it takes...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave is James Bond

   

   

   

Crazies

Posted on Monday, June 8th, 2009

Dave!I don't know what it is about me, but I sure do attract the crazies.

Probably because I am a crazy, which I haven't ruled out.

It doesn't matter where I go on this planet, I always seem to end up in some kind of messed up situation with my fellow humans. I've been attacked by a drunken knife-weidling moron in Seattle. I've been chased five blocks by a crack-head in Cleveland who wanted my phone. I've been felt up by gypsies trying to find my wallet in Rome. I've been mugged at gun-point by a psychopath in San Francisco who talked to himself. The list goes on and on. Ask Vahid about the time we were walking down the street in Albuquerque and was accosted by a spaced-out "purebred Italian Mexican" who wanted to have his fellow alcoholics kick our asses... everywhere I end up, the crazies come running.

Tonight, after going to the movies and watching The Hangover I was walking to Johnny Rockets for dinner when another one came out of the woodwork...

Homeless Guy: Hey have you got any change... a nickel... anything?
   
Dave2: (looking up at him from his iPhone) No, sorry, I don't have any cash at all (looks back down at his iPhone).
   
Homeless Guy: Hey! What were you thinking just now?
   
Dave2: (looking back up) Err... I was thinking I don't have any change on me...
   
Homeless Guy: (getting angry for no reason) No. NO! What were you THINKING when YOU first saw ME?!?
   
Dave2: I was thinking "Why is this asshole being so RUDE to me when I'm trying to be NICE?"
   
Homeless Guy: I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING!!
   
Dave2: WELL, RIGHT NOW I'M THINKING "FUCK OFF!" SO WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?

He was still calling "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" after me as I was crossing the street. And I still don't know what I did to set him off. I treated him with courtesy and respect. I looked him in the eye when I spoke to him. I was as nice as I could be when I explained I didn't have any cash, but it didn't make any difference. I dunno... maybe there's something about me that makes people crazy. That would explain a lot.

And it didn't end there... after dinner I was crossing the street and some guy with a tourist map wants my help. I thought he was going to ask for directions, so I stopped. Instead he told me that he picked his mother up from Swedish Hospital after surgery, and now he doesn't have enough money for gas to get her home. This made no sense at all, because he was downtown when Swedish is up on First Hill, but I guess I have to give him the benefit of doubt since he seemed to be lost. In any event, I'm guessing his mother is stuffed in a car somewhere on the side of the road after surgery, and this makes me sad. If I actually had any money, I probably would have given him a couple bucks, even though this goes against my beliefs of causing no harm.

In any event, it was nice to just be alone for a while after such an exhausting day. It doesn't hurt that The Hangover was such an awesome movie. Most comedies today take some stupid joke and then repeat it to death until the entire movie is run into the ground. The Hangover was refreshingly different. They never let the funny get repetitive or stale, so I was laughing all the whole way through. That almost never happens anymore. Kudos to writers Jon Lucas & Scott Moore, director Todd Phillips, and a fantastic cast and crew for a job well done. A particularly well-deserved shout-out to Bradley Cooper, who took an annoying character that would have driven me insane in most any other movie, and made him totally watchable and brilliant. I liked Cooper in Alias, loved him in Kitchen Confidential, and have been pleasantly surprised at his appearances in movies like Wedding Crashers... I hope he gets more leading roles out of his home-run performance in The Hangover.

And now I should probably call it a night. Tomorrow is a very long day.

   

Baby

Posted on Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

Dave!I had such a great time watching The Hangover at the movies last night, that I was planning on seeing a different film tonight. All day long I've been looking forward to it. But as the day became night... the exhaustion set in and suddenly none of the movies seemed good enough for me to make the effort. Terminator: Salvation was almost there, but I've read too many shitty reviews to risk it sucking. I guess I could have seen Star Trek for the third time but, given how tired I am, twice was good enough. Instead I walked to Johnny Rockets for yet another amazing vegetarian burger, then headed back to the hotel so I can blog and get ready for work tomorrow. My life is so exciting right now.

Meanwhile...

Work doesn't seem to be moving very quickly on the new Hard Rock Cafe in Seattle. It looks the same as it was months ago. Maybe they're just working on the inside where you can't see it right now...

Hard Rock Seattle under construction

Given what a colossal Hard Rock whore I am, I'm understandably excited about the new cafe. My biggest worry was that Seattle would get a shitty property, but the artist sketch from the Official Hard Rock Cafe website looks fantastic...

Hard Rock Seattle sketch

They're taking a classic old building and turning it into something special, which is what the best Hard Rocks do. They've also got a great spot... just one block from the Pike Place Market entrance. Hopefully it will do well so the location can stay open for a while... I'd be heartbroken if the cafe I've been waiting over two decades for shuts down after only a year or two. That would suck worse than never having one at all.

I just hope the guitar is right-side up on the finished building. It looks really funny up-side down in that sketch.

   

But what I REALLY hope that the baby in the room across the hall will settle down eventually. It's been screaming almost non-stop for THREE HOURS now. I need sleep tonight!

   

Graduation

Posted on Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Dave!Tonight I had to eat at McDonalds for dinner because it was the only thing open once I got back from a high school graduation ceremony. Dinner at McDonalds sucks ass for vegetarians because about all we can eat is French fries and an apple pie. That would be awesome if I was 16, but now it just guarantees a night of gastroenterological distress.

This is the first graduation ceremony I've been to in over 20 years and nothing has changed. As I was listening to the cheesy speeches with all the appropriate empowerment buzzwords ("BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!"), it occurred to me that if you took every student graduation speech from every school in the USA and analyzed them, they'd all have the exact same words... just shuffled around in a different order. I suppose that there is only so many ways you can say "THE FUTURE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT!" which is going to make any kind of sense.

Oh well. Congratulations to the Class of 2009! If you made it to graduation, you managed to limit your drug and alcohol use enough to pass the sub-standard requirements from our failing education system... so best of luck to you!

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey in Graduation Cap!

Meanwhile, the pussification of America continues...

I learned something at graduation that disturbs me greatly. The school had co-principals. The class had co-presidents. I'm guessing the cheerleading squad had co-captains and the football team had co-quarterbacks. Remember when there was a winner and a loser and that was it? It was just like life. Except now it's co-everything because striving for mediocrity is the best we can do. "Co-President" and "Co-Principal" is so much easier than having a subordinate "Vice President" and "Vice Principal" because responsibility is divided up and pushed around so nobody loses.

The buck no longer seems to stop anywhere.

I don't know what this bodes for the future, but it can't be good.

   

Zero

Posted on Thursday, June 11th, 2009

Dave!I have a pile of work that won't go away. I have 138 unread messages in my email in-box. I have hundreds of unread blog posts. I even have a box of Junior Mints that is only half-finished... when am I supposed to find time to do all that stuff?

Probably after I drive home on Sunday.

But I'm not counting on it.

Every day when I pull into work, a cat jumps onto the hood of my car and attempts to break in. I like him, and have named him Psycho Cat because he never blinks... he just sits there and stares at you with crazy eyes. This morning he ran all around my car looking for a way inside. Eventually he was smart enough to stand on the door, apparently knowing that I had to open it sometime...

Psycho Cat on my car door

Psycho Cat breaks in my car

Psycho Cat ready to attack and be petted

At this point he hopped on my lap and demanded to be petted.

Vicious.

Since I am going to a conference tomorrow morning and a graduation party tomorrow night, I decided to make time for a haircut after work. Fortunately, I'm in Seattle, which has my favorite place to get a haircut ever, Zero Zero...

Zerozerohairlogo

I don't usually endorse businesses on my blog, but this is the coolest place for hair I've found, and the icing on the cake is that they're pretty darn affordable for a full-service salon (my cut was only $25!). But don't take my word for it, read all the rave reviews on Yelp! If you're in Seattle and looking for a stylist, you might want to give Zero Zero a try.

Since it's almost midnight, I suppose I should try to get some sleep.

Work, email, blogs, and Junior Mints will have to wait until tomorrow.

HA HA HA HA!

I lie. I am so totally going to finish off those Junior Mints now...

   

Munneh!

Posted on Friday, June 12th, 2009

Dave!It's getting to the point that I can't stand to attend public functions because there's bound to be people there.

And most people suck.

Today I attended a conference with other people and came very close to having to kill them all. It started with the dumbass who came in late then sat next to me eating an apple. I didn't pay good money to attend this shit so I could listen to an asshole chomp an apple while somebody is speaking. Then I nearly had to kill the two idiots behind me who were talking the entire time. And don't get me started on the bitch wearing fifty bracelets who was clanking and jingling every time she moved... which was often, because she was taking notes and flipping her hair every ten seconds.

It's this kind of inconsiderate bullshit that causes me to become homicidal. People PAY to attend conferences so they can learn stuff. But you can't learn stuff when you can't hear anything because people won't shut the fuck up and stop being a distraction.

It makes me want to hold my own conferences.

With an attendance of just one person... ME!

Unfortunately, the fee to attend such a conference would be a lot more money than I got.

Psycho Cat sez...

Psycho Cat Hypnotizes You to Give Dave Ur Munneh!

The good news is that once I blow this popsicle stand, I'm off to my sister's house.

It's party time.

   

ConFab

Posted on Saturday, June 13th, 2009

Dave!Originally, I wasn't going to be able to attend ConFab in beautiful Lexington, Kentucky because I had previous plans. But eventually everything came together and I flew out of Seattle last night at 10:30pm, arriving at LEX around 10:30am this morning (via Detroit). It was a very, very long night with practically no sleep (which is why I am so very grateful to Mr. Shiny for picking me up at the airport!).

But it was all worth it, because Brad and Turnbaby truly outdid themselves, and a fantastic group of fun people turned up for the party. I had a great time, and once again was amazed at the kind, funny, generous, entertaining, wonderful people you can meet in the blogosphere.

I decided to wear my pirate shirt, which was accompanied by hair styling from Miss Britt and eye makeup from Hilly-Sue. Being a pirate kicked up my innate* hotness up to eleven, and my customized drinking cup completed the ensemble...

Dave2 Cup

Now, according to Twitter, I had sex with everybody at the party and snorted heroin off of Karl's ass. This is a bit of an exaggeration.

So far as I know, the only person who got any pussy tonight was Hilly-Sue...

Hilly Kitty

And now, since I have to fly back home in the morning and it's already 2:30am, I suppose I should get some sleep.

Or at least try to.

   

*And by "innate" I obviously mean "nonexistent."

   

Bullet Sunday 136

Posted on Sunday, June 14th, 2009

Dave!Yargh. I have to get ready for my flight back to Seattle, so I suppose this will have to be a quickie Bullet Sunday!

• My Happiest Moments at ConFab... That would be all the people showing me they had the Ask Dave! app installed on their iPhone. Somebody (sorry, I don't remember who!) suggested that I do one of my "Behind the Scenes" entries about the app, which is a great idea. I'll try to find time for that later this week.

Ask Dave! App Ad

   

• My Scariest Moment at ConFab... That would be when Becky whipped a knife out to cut apart the tattoos. Note to self: Becky is totally prepared to cut a bitch for reals, so it is probably best not to piss her off...

Hello Ha Ha Knife

   

• My Ego-Crushing Moment at ConFab... That would be when Hilly-Sue went around dubbing people cool enough to hang out with her. ..

Hilly Dubs Laci Cool Enough

Hilly Dubs John Cool Enough

I was never dubbed cool enough. =sob!= I choose to believe it's because I am so totally awesome that such a thing would be redundant.

   

• My Best Conversation at ConFab... Somebody had remarked that they wanted to use Karl's picture of his ass as their iPhone desktop background because it says "kiss it!," and they could flash it as needed to people who piss them off. Oddly enough, since Karl took the photo with his iPhone, it's perfectly sized...

Karl's Ass as iPhone Wallpaper

Later that evening...

(POLICE CAR SIREN GOES BY)
DAVE: Quick, hide the drugs!
GUY ACROSS THE DECK: We have drugs?
DAVE: I think somebody brought heroin, but they forgot the surgical tubing so nobody got to shoot up.
HILLY-SUE: We could just snort it.
DAVE: But this table has holes in it! (it was wire patio furniture).
HILLY-SUE: Use your iPhone!
DAVE: But then I'd be snorting heroin off of Karl's ass!

The Twitter stream is even better...

Twitter Thread

   

My Coolest Moment at ConFab... That would be watching Mr. Shiny belt out Meredith Brook's "Bitch" during karaoke and totally owning it...

Shiny Bitch

   

• My Most Uncomfortable Moment at ConFab... That would be the massive bathtub in my hotel room at the DoubleTree Suites. I suppose it's cool if you were going to start up the whirlpool bath, but taking a shower in it is a very lonely experience...

Giant Bathtub!

Hmmm... that doesn't really show how huge this thing is. Here's a baby elephant in that same tub...

Giant Bathtub!

And here's the Statue of Liberty...

Giant Bathtub!

   

• My Greatest Thing To Happen That Wasn't at ConFab... That would be this past week when Betty White appeared on Jimmy Fallon and ended up playing beer pong with him. It only confirms that Betty White is one of the coolest people on earth...

   

And now I supposed I should iron a shirt and take a shower or something. Goodbye Kentucky!

   

Diapered

Posted on Monday, June 15th, 2009

Dave!It was just another one of those days of trying to contain a bunch of shit before it hits the carpet...

Bad Monkey Diaper

   

   

   

CONTEST!

Posted on Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

Dave!I'm holding a Twitter contest!

Prepare yourself to win a fabulous prize package worth nearly FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS!!!

That's right... none of this lame-ass "Win an iPhone" bullshit that's being Re-Tweeted every five minutes... I'm giving away FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS in prizes! Just look at the cool stuff you can win...

A GULFSTREAM G550 JET! ($45,000,000 value)

Gulfstream G550

A PAIR OF 2009 FERRARI SCUDERIA F430s! ($600,000 value)

Ferrari F430 Scuderia

AN ALL-EXPENSES-PAID AROUND-THE-WORLD CRUISE! ($80,000 value)

Queen Victoria Cruise

FOUR MILLION DOLLARS IN GOLD! ($4,000,000 value)

Gold Bars

TOTAL PRIZE VALUE: $49,680,000!!!

Here's all you have to do to enter...

  • Follow me on Twitter. It's so easy! Just get an account at Twitter if you don't already have one, then visit my Twitter page and click "Follow" under my picture.
  • Re-Tweet this contest. Simply login to your Twitter account and post "Re-Tweet: Win a Gulfstream jet, Ferarri Scuderia sports car, Around The World Cruise Vacation, and $4 million in gold! http://is.gd/13YoJ" Then RE-TWEET the Re-Tweet EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR UNTIL THE CONTEST ENDS IN SIX MONTHS!!
  • Donate to charity. Lastly, all you have to do is make a $50 million donation to the Foundation for a Better Dave's Monument Fund. I accept PayPal, Certified Check, or Money Order in US Dollars.

And that's it! Best of luck to everybody who enters!*

Or not.

Because I am so fucking sick and tired by all this stupid contest crap that is taking over everybody's favorite social media distraction.

When you fire up Twitter, it asks you one question: "What are you doing?

And, in the beginning, that's what people used Twitter for... quick little updates to let people know what they were up to in-between blog posts. But, like all things, Twitter inevitably evolved. Soon people were using it to say "good morning," ask questions, get advice, post photos, say random shit, and much more. Then Twitter abuse started happening. People started broadcasting personal conversations (even though that's what Direct Messages and Email are for). People started posting when their blog is updated (even though that's what a webfeed is for). People started selling shit (even though that's what eBay is for). And people even started... God help us... Twittering all the songs they listen to with "blip.fm" (even though that's what Last.fm is for). Then came the abomination known as SpyMaster. And so-on and so-on. People rarely say what they're doing anymore.

But the worst was yet to come.

Now companies (and even individuals) are holding contests. Usually for an iPhone. These contests require you to "Re-Tweet" their blog URL or some other annoying spam-like shit that clogs up the service and flushes it even further down the crapper of uselessness than it already is. As more and more people hop on the Twitter contest bandwagon, it's only going to get worse. I anticipate that pretty soon I'll be longing for the "good ol' days" when people were just blip.fm-ing every frickin' song they're listening to instead of re-Tweeting every damn contest that pops up.

But whatever.

I suppose it's just par for the course. The web was ruined when assholes started adding pop-ups and other annoying crap. Email was ruined when assholes started sending spam and unsolicited crap. It was only a matter of time before the assholes ruined Twitter with their contest-spam crap.

Oh well. So long as companies can count on Twitter users whoring their shit for one-in-a-million prize-winning odds... it's the cheapest way to advertise, and probably ain't going away any time soon.

   

* Prizes do not include taxes, duties, fees, delivery, or any other supplemental costs.

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Nasty

Posted on Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

Dave!I'm not here today. I'm blogging over at Anissa's place...

Baby Dave and Naughty Monkey

   

   

UPDATE: Just in case something goes missing, I'm copying my guest post in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...

   

Hurt

Posted on Thursday, June 18th, 2009

Dave!Before I left for Seattle last week, I sprained my right-hand ring finger. Not only did it hurt like hell, but I am having to wear a splint on it for the next couple months to avoid getting a mallet finger. Next week I'm hoping to find time to visit the doctor and make sure I don't need surgery or physical therapy (which would make a sucky situation even suckier).

But why stop there? On Tuesday I pulled a muscle in my back. About the only thing I can do to avoid pain is to lay flat and not move. This is highly impractical, because driving a car requires one to sit up. And so I spend my days doped up on pain-killers while attempting to find a sitting position at my desk which won't bring me to tears.

But why stop there? This morning as I was attempting to get into my car with as little back-trauma as possible, I smacked the side of my head into the door frame. The hit was so hard that I fell into my seat stunned and seeing stars. Suddenly my back didn't feel quite so bad. Something tells me that this is a headache that will be around for a few days.

But why stop there? Limping along with my splinted finder, aching back, throbbing head, and in a pain-killer-induced haze, I managed to step wrong on my foot tonight while climbing stairs. So now I've got a sprained left ankle as well.

What's next?

Well, I've still got hips that are in pretty good shape, so I'm guessing I'll be run over in the street tomorrow morning so I can get me a fractured pelvis.

If everything happens for a reason, I'm sure there's some kind of master plan at work here.

Or I'm being tortured.

Either way, I'm assuming that I've got a rough couple of weeks ahead of me.

   

iPhonery

Posted on Friday, June 19th, 2009

Dave!The new iPhone 3GS dropped today and my inner Mac-whore is mortified that I'm not getting a new Apple product on release day. The good news is that I'll be getting one next week instead of two months from now thanks to AT&T's generous eligibility revision for early iPhone 3G adopters.

At first I was seriously considering skipping the latest version, but the better camera (with video!) and speed improvements ultimately won me over. A part of me wants to be thrilled at the new digital compass feature (which will show you which way you're facing in Google Maps), but since the GPS unit in iPhone sucks ass, I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

Given how often I use my iPhone and how much I rely on it when traveling, buying the latest model seemed a wise investment.


MAC: I'm a Mac! PC: Plays with iPhone

MAC: -ahem!- I'm a Mac! PC: Plays with iPhone

PC: I LOVE MY NEW iPHONE! WINDOWS MOBILE BLOWS!

BLAM! PC's head explodes

As if this wasn't enough, it appears that Steve Jobs is returning to Apple as scheduled.

Apple whores rejoice!

To see all of the Lil' Dave Mac vs. Lil' Wayne PC ads, click here!

   

Flash

Posted on Saturday, June 20th, 2009

Dave!Some days, it doesn't matter how fast you are, trouble somehow manages to catch up.

Daveflash

   

   

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Memoriam

Posted on Sunday, June 21st, 2009

Dave!

   

   

   

Puppy Monster eating cereal.

   

   

   

   

   

Bullet Sunday 137

Posted on Monday, June 22nd, 2009

Dave!It's yet another Bullet Sunday on Monday extravaganza! A happy belated Father's Day to everybody.

• Bedridden. Yesterday I finally got around to doing what I should have done when I wrecked my back last week... I stayed in bed all day in an attempt to let it heal up a bit. This was a last resort, because I'm so buried in work that I can't see daylight, but I think it was worth it. I managed to get some sleep, and this morning was the first time I haven't woken up in agony. If only I could get paid for staying in bed all day.

• Finger. While my ankle and head are back to normal, my finger will be messed up for at least two months. According to Google, the only treatment is to keep it in a splint at all times so that it can heal straight. Luckily, the human brain can adapt to new situations fairly quickly. I'm typing at almost full-speed because my middle and pinky fingers have taken over the keys my mangled finger used to type. About the only time I feel handicapped is when I write or draw because the splint gets in the way. I've ordered a "new & improved" splint which is smaller and more hi-tech, so hopefully that will help. I'm tired of people thinking I'm "special" when I try to sign my name.

• Alice. The first images from Tim Burton's live-action adaptation of Alice in Wonderland are burning up the internet, and with good reason... they look amazing. Rich and vibrant with a kind of dark and twisted slant, I can only hope that this is indicative of how Burton is approaching the material, because it's genius...

Depp Mad Hatter plus Carter Red Queen

   

• Typographical. Knowing my interest in Scotland, my dad let me borrow his copy of Scotland by Magnus Magnusson. The book itself is a pretty good read, but every time I pick it up I want to toss it in a wood-chipper. Can you guess why?

Scotland Book Cover

It's the idiotic lettering in the book title! This is Magnusson's master work on "SCOTLAND," but the title reads more like "SC O TL  A  ND" because whomever is responsible for the design of the cover doesn't know how to kern type...

Scotland Book Cover

What a shame. Just ten seconds of futzing to even out the spacing gives a much easier read with Scotland AS ONE WORD...

Revised Scotland Book Cover

Tragic disrespect for type is all around us, and it drives me bat-shit insane. The latest travesty is the re-branding of Microsoft's "Live Search" to the even more stupidly-named "bing." Ultimately, I don't give a crap what Microsoft wants to call it... but there's nothing so compelling about their search engine that's going to have me switch from saying "Google That Shit!" to "Bing That Shit!" (or whatever). No... what pisses me off is that whomever designed the logo decided to stretch it out to ridiculous lengths...

Totally Shitty Bing Logo

The grotesque distortion of the letterforms looks absurd. A good take on the horror of it all can be found over at Brand New.

   

Lastly, because everybody needs a boost (but mostly because Brian Papa told me to), I'm passing along a new site to check out called CheerUpNation...

CheerUpNation

And now I suppose I'd better get up so I can get ready for work. Fun and excitement await...

   

Aquaman

Posted on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Dave!"Where is the love for Aquaman?" Bad Robert exclaimed, his voice choked with emotion.

"Er... what?" I replied, totally not understanding (as usual).

"Well, now that you've drawn a DaveToon Flash, you're just an Aquaman short of The Super Friends there on your blog!" Robert shouted, clearly upset. "Well, there's Robin too... but nobody gives a crap about Robin. Hell, you even drew Apache Chief before Aquaman, and that guy was just a guest star!"

"Ah, I see. I'll get right on that!" I shouted back... still not sure of what he meant.

When I got off work I took a look and, sure enough, Bad Robert was right. Here are the original Super Friends (sans The Boy Wonder... Wow, I guess nobody really DOES care about Robin!)...

Super Friends

   

And here are the DC super-heroes I've drawn up as Davetoons so far...

DAVETOON Super Friends

   

Hmmm... I wonder if Bad Robert would settle for Gleek, the super-stupid space monkey?

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey dressed as Gleek

Oh how I hated Gleek and the equally idiotic "Wonder Twins" messing up the show ("FORM OF AN ICE CUBE!"). Why is it that all the cartoons I had growing up felt the need to insert side-kicks and stupid animals when none were needed?

Oh well, I guess it was better than nothing.

   

Affair

Posted on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

Dave!As the train wreck that is Governor Sanford unfolded in the media today, I made a few smart-assed remarks on Twitter because I just love it when hypocritical assholes get burned. Especially hypocritical assholes who pushed for impeaching Clinton when it was his dick that ended up where it shouldn't have been. And when you consider that Sanford not only used taxpayer money to get himself a mistress, but he is also an opponent of same-sex marriage because he apparently feels it defiles traditional marriage... well, it's a trifecta of schadenfreude bliss when he goes on television and admits to having an extramarital affair.

The Twitter stuff was nothing too outrageous, just snippy comments like...

  • "Because when you want to bring morality to America, it applies to EVERYBODY ELSE. Anxiously awaiting news that Sanford's affair was with a dude."
  • "Color me three shades of shocked... Not... One more nail in the "sanctity of traditional marriage" argument..."
  • "I should certainly hope that Jenny Sanford stands by her man! According to "Doctor" Laura, it was all her fault anyway."
  • "How do you solve a problem like Maria? A hike along the Appalachian Trail, apparently..."

Not a big deal, but it was enough to compel somebody on Twitter to send me a Direct Message telling me that my "attacks" were far worse than anything Sanford has done.

Whatever.

The big difference being that I don't go around condemning people for how they live their lives, then turn around and do that same shit. So, while I certainly sympathize with Sanford's family, that doesn't make the Governor any less a hypocritical asshole.

In similar news... suck it Perez Hilton. It's not that I am advocating violence, but when you make a living writing hateful things about people all day long... well, you reap what you sow.

In completely different news... I finally found time to unbox my new iPhone 3GS. To be honest, I don't consider it to be a critical hardware upgrade from the iPhone 3G. But I decided to go for it anyway because I find myself using the camera feature far more often than I ever thought I would, and the 2G/3G camera sucks major ass. Fortunately, the 3GS camera is far, far better. For one thing, it can do macro (close-up) photography very well...

iPhone Macro Flowers

iPhone Macro World Map

Compare that to the total shit that you get from the 2G/3G camera...

Shitty iPhone Macro Menu

But the thing I love most about the new 3GS camera is that you not only get selective one-tap focus... you can also choose where the camera meters the exposure. This is a massively huge improvement because it makes the camera is actually useful now.

In this scene, I tapped the bright white sign as the focus/exposure point to force a darker shot...

iPhone Scene Exposure

This time, I tapped the train in the background as the focus/exposure point to force a brighter shot...

iPhone Scene Exposure

By tapping around the scene for a medium value, I could get exactly the exposure I want. This is a far cry from the shitty 2G/3G camera which consistently shoots everything as murky and dark unless the lighting is perfect.

Finally, FINALLY, I have a viable camera with me at all times that I can rely on for decent photos! In addition, you can shoot and edit video with the 3GS... a nice bonus that I probably won't use much. There are also a few other new features, but unless you are wanting a better camera like I did, I don't know that it's worth the cost to upgrade.

Unless you're a government official and can pay for the upgrade using taxpayer money. An upgrade is always worth it when somebody else is paying.

   

Michael

Posted on Thursday, June 25th, 2009

Dave!Michael Jackson has died. I was not a big fan.

It's not that his music (hee!) was bad or that his songs sucked... it's just that (hoooo!) he felt the need to (shimone!) inject stupid-ass (hee-heeeeeee!) grunts, groans, squeals, screeches, yells, and (WOOOOOoo HOO!) "shimones"... whatever the fuck that was... into every (unnnh!) fucking (heeeee!) song. I absolutely (wheee-HEEEE!) HATED that shit. It was impossible for me to (shimone!) get into the song with all those (hoooo! shimone! hee heeeeee! unnnhhh!) interruptions.

But the guy was Captain Eo, and I suppose that counts for something.

I thought Captain Eo was totally awesome when visiting Disneyland in the late 80's...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave as Captain Eo

During the height of Michael's big trial, I was commissioned to do a drawing of him for an online magazine, which was a difficult assignment. At the time, Michael was looking his freakiest...

MJI

But the Disney whore in me wanted to remember him looking like this...

Michaeleo

And that's how I'll always try to remember him now.

Sadly eclipsed by the Michael Jackson news has been the death of another icon from my puberty... Farrah Fawcett...

Monkey Farrah

Yes. Bad Monkey is a big fan from way back. Some of my readers, however? Not so much.

Meanwhile, Betty White is still alive. And still awesome.

   

Coder

Posted on Friday, June 26th, 2009

Dave!Last night I got zero sleep. Neither reading a book nor sleeping pills helped, and I finally gave up around 3:00am. At first I tried thinking positive. Here was an excellent opportunity to get caught up on my backlog of work! Unfortunately, my brain was all mooshy, so I couldn't concentrate. Instead I ate a sandwich and watched a couple episodes of Star Trek before it was time to get up.

Today was nothing but a blur as I wandered around in a zombie-like state. My only goal was to not make anything explode.

Which is really too bad, because if anything had exploded, I'd have something to blog about.

Instead I'll make do with boring tales of blog development...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave says GOOGLE THAT SHIT!

My first career path was a computer programmer. I got started fairly early, and was taking programming jobs while I was still in high school. Eventually I got tired of writing code while my friends were all out partying, so I quit. It's not that I didn't like the work... I just didn't like how it took over my life. From there on out, I switched to graphic arts for a career, and only coded for fun. Now any programming I do is usually something simple for my website in PHP or Javascript. The problem is that I'm really rusty, so even simple tasks are a time-consuming exercise in frustration.

Like tonight.

My MacBook was working on some processor-intensive 3-D renderings, and so I couldn't use it for anything major or I'd slow things down. It was the perfect time to work on a few site improvements, because a text editor doesn't use much of the computer's processor power.

One of the things I've longed to do was be able to add search terms to my "Google That Shit!" page URLs. This way, when I send somebody there, I can pre-populate the search box with the words they should be searching for. I thought it would be really simple... I'd just hunt down some snippets of code that somebody else had used, modify it slightly, and away we go. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any code snippets.

So I spent the next three hours trying to get the code working. I eventually figured it out, but it's a kludgy solution that will probably break more often than it works (if you don't believe me, just go to the "Google That Shit" page and look at the source code!).

The good news is that now I can send search terms! Just add a "?" to the URL followed by search terms divided by "+" characters. Like this... SEARCH GOOGLE FOR CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

I can even refer site specific searches like this... SEARCH BLOGOGRAPHY FOR BETTY WHITE.

Now I don't know if I should be proud of myself because it actually works... or embarrassed because the way it works is so ugly.

   

Good

Posted on Saturday, June 27th, 2009

Dave!

DAVETOON: Good Egg!

   

   

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Bullet Sunday 138

Posted on Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Dave!Another week. Another Bullet Sunday. And this one seems to be inspired by how the vast information available on the internet seems to cause a chain of events from one thing to another.

• LEGO Chain. This started with me getting the latest LEGO catalog in the mail and seeing that they've come up with a third series of Space Police sets. I've been a fan of LEGO since I was very young, but it was when they released the original Space Police that I became insane over those little plastic bricks. What's so amazing is how LEGO keeps innovating and improving on the concept. This time around they've put a real effort into making the minifigs drive the series. The little alien criminals have to be the cutest LEGOs ever...

Lego Space 3 Aliens
Clockwise: Frenzy, Kranxx, Skull Twin, and Squidman.
Photos taken from the awesome shots at No Onion's Flickr Set

Space Police then led to video games when I saw that the catalog also featured an advertisement for their latest effort, LEGO Battles. It seems to be a Real-Time Strategy game that's geared for a younger gamer. Or a gamer like me who loves LEGO video games so much that they'll buy anything that comes out...

Legobattles

I don't know anything about the game play, but the trailer makes me want to buy it immediately...

LEGO Battles led to me remember that I had bought LEGO Indiana Jones and LEGO Batman games for my Wii months ago, but had never even opened the boxes! The last game I had played was LEGO Star Wars, which was ten shades of awesome, so I decided to rip them open and give them a try. As expected, they were absolutely amazing and a lot of fun. Sadly, I don't have time for games, or I could have spent all day playing...

Lego Indiana Jones

Lego Batman

As a major Batman fan, LEGO Batman is a huge favorite. The puzzles are really good, and some of them quite challenging as you attempt to find all the game's secrets. But they don't stop there... not only do you get to play as all the Bat Heroes (including Batgirl!) you can then replay the levels from the villain's perspective! Sweet! A pity the iPhone version isn't nearly as good.

This then led me to wonder which LEGO property would be getting a video game next. Spider-Man? Superman? Nope. Turns out it's LEGO Harry Potter, Years 1-4 coming in 2010. I don't even like Harry Potter, but the trailer has me wanting it...

This led me to wish that they would expand the games outside of licensed properties and explore some of the LEGO favorites like LEGO Pirates and LEGO Space Police... how awesome would that be? Guess I'll have to settle for LEGO Rock Band...

   

• Hollywood Chain. This all started with a tweet by Kevin Smith...

Kevin Smith Twitter

Since Kevin Smith interviews and Kevin Smith talks are about as entertaining as it gets, this immediately grabbed my attention. I didn't even know Kevin Pollak had an internet chat show.

Which led to Kevin Pollak's site. Where I noticed his previous guest was ILLEANA DOUGLAS!! I love Illeana Douglas! She always manages to pop up just when I least expect it, and usually ends up stealing the show. My favorite character of hers would have to be child star turned prostitute turned Hollywood movie executive Wendy Ward in Action! but she's great in everything...

Illeana Douglas

Her interview wsa very interesting (and very long!) but led me to her latest project which, believe it or not, is a series of shorts for IKEA called Easy to Assemble starring Illeana as "herself"... trying to leave Hollywood behind and lead a "normal life" by working at IKEA...

Easy to Assemble Still with Illeana Douglas

This led me to visiting the IKEA site so I could see if they started making those DVD shelves I like again, but they aren't on the site. This is a major bummer, because I can't even remember the IKEA name of the unit so I can call and ask if the store in Seattle has it. Best. DVD. Shelf. Ever. And I need more.

This led me to wondering when Watchmen was coming out on DVD. Turns out the Blu-Ray Director's Cut will hit on July 25th...

Watchmen Blu-Ray

This led me to remember that the Blog-Her conference is on July 25th in Chicago. This led me to wonder if Chicago television show My Boys had been renewed for a fourth season (according to The Futon Critic it hasn't yet). Which led me to wonder if they had at least released the second season of My Boys on DVD (they haven't). Which led me to wanting my IKEA shelves all over again.

   

• Bloggign Chain. This morning I learned that OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD TV PITCH-MAN BILLY MAYS HAD DIED. This led me to look back at my blog entry about him from back in 2007...

BILLY FUCKING MAYS, DAMMIT!!

This led me to remember that it was Bullet Sunday, and I should probably write my entry for the day. So here I am. REST IN PEACE BILLY MAYS!!!

   

Miracles

Posted on Monday, June 29th, 2009

Dave!Today as I was driving home, I stopped to let a little gangsta' cross the street. Well, he wasn't an actual gangsta', he was just dressed up in gangsta' attire with the over-sized T-shirt, over-sized pants, and a crooked baseball cap that I'm guessing still had the merchandising stickers on it. This was surprising to me, because I thought the whole "gangsta'-wear" fad for lil' crackers had gone out of style a couple years back... but there he was, running across the street in front of my car.

You can see where this is going...

In what can only be described as a Moment of Zen, his pants slid down to his knees before he got to the other side. Not missing a step, he pulled up his pants, then continued to hold them up as he ran down the sidewalk.

It's one of those things that you think you'd see all the time, but never actually see at all.

   

Miracles really do happen every day.

   

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Acid

Posted on Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

Dave!If you're viewing this site in Internet Explorer 8 it might appear messed up. Or so I've been told by a half-dozen people.

Needless to say, I may die of un-shock. Microsoft has been screwing up the internet for a decade so why should they stop now? Oh well, from what I can tell everything looks fine in Safari, and Firefox, and Opera, and even my frickin' iPhone... so I guess it's something IE-specific. Yet again. I jumbled a few things around that I though might be suspect, but won't have time to thoroughly check into the problem until next week.

In the meanwhile, I guess my blog will just have to look like crap in the latest Internet Explorer fiasco...

Browser Render

A lot of people are asking themselves why in the hell Microsoft cant make a standards-compliant browser after seven revisions. Web standards, after all, ensure that everybody sees the internet the same way. At this point I think it's safe to assume that it's not because Microsoft can't make a standards-compliant browser... they just don't want to make a standards-compliant browser. They just don't give a shit, and are once again using their massive market share to dictate that everybody look at the internet the Microsoft Way.

This is rather obvious when running the Web Standards Project Acid 3 Test, which has been out for over a year. Internet Explorer 8 returns a score of 20 out of 100. EPIC FAIL...

Acid3 Test in IE8

Apple's Safari browser passes just fine...

Acid3 in Safari

EVEN MY FRICKIN' iPHONE CAN GET A SCORE OF 97...

Acid3 Test in Mobile Safari

I mean, seriously, what does it say for Microsoft when a PHONE is better capable of surfing the internet than their browser? And it's never going to stop. Microsoft will continue to screw over web developers just because they can. Internet Explorer is the de-facto browser for bajillions of Windows users, which means more hacks, work-arounds, and kludges (not to mention untold hours of frustration) for anybody who wants their web pages to be seen properly by a huge chunk of people.

And don't even get me started on how Microsoft wants MS Word to dictate how we view email.

I need a cookie.

   

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