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Crazies

Posted on Monday, June 8th, 2009

Dave!I don't know what it is about me, but I sure do attract the crazies.

Probably because I am a crazy, which I haven't ruled out.

It doesn't matter where I go on this planet, I always seem to end up in some kind of messed up situation with my fellow humans. I've been attacked by a drunken knife-weidling moron in Seattle. I've been chased five blocks by a crack-head in Cleveland who wanted my phone. I've been felt up by gypsies trying to find my wallet in Rome. I've been mugged at gun-point by a psychopath in San Francisco who talked to himself. The list goes on and on. Ask Vahid about the time we were walking down the street in Albuquerque and was accosted by a spaced-out "purebred Italian Mexican" who wanted to have his fellow alcoholics kick our asses... everywhere I end up, the crazies come running.

Tonight, after going to the movies and watching The Hangover I was walking to Johnny Rockets for dinner when another one came out of the woodwork...

Homeless Guy: Hey have you got any change... a nickel... anything?
   
Dave2: (looking up at him from his iPhone) No, sorry, I don't have any cash at all (looks back down at his iPhone).
   
Homeless Guy: Hey! What were you thinking just now?
   
Dave2: (looking back up) Err... I was thinking I don't have any change on me...
   
Homeless Guy: (getting angry for no reason) No. NO! What were you THINKING when YOU first saw ME?!?
   
Dave2: I was thinking "Why is this asshole being so RUDE to me when I'm trying to be NICE?"
   
Homeless Guy: I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU WERE THINKING!!
   
Dave2: WELL, RIGHT NOW I'M THINKING "FUCK OFF!" SO WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?

He was still calling "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" after me as I was crossing the street. And I still don't know what I did to set him off. I treated him with courtesy and respect. I looked him in the eye when I spoke to him. I was as nice as I could be when I explained I didn't have any cash, but it didn't make any difference. I dunno... maybe there's something about me that makes people crazy. That would explain a lot.

And it didn't end there... after dinner I was crossing the street and some guy with a tourist map wants my help. I thought he was going to ask for directions, so I stopped. Instead he told me that he picked his mother up from Swedish Hospital after surgery, and now he doesn't have enough money for gas to get her home. This made no sense at all, because he was downtown when Swedish is up on First Hill, but I guess I have to give him the benefit of doubt since he seemed to be lost. In any event, I'm guessing his mother is stuffed in a car somewhere on the side of the road after surgery, and this makes me sad. If I actually had any money, I probably would have given him a couple bucks, even though this goes against my beliefs of causing no harm.

In any event, it was nice to just be alone for a while after such an exhausting day. It doesn't hurt that The Hangover was such an awesome movie. Most comedies today take some stupid joke and then repeat it to death until the entire movie is run into the ground. The Hangover was refreshingly different. They never let the funny get repetitive or stale, so I was laughing all the whole way through. That almost never happens anymore. Kudos to writers Jon Lucas & Scott Moore, director Todd Phillips, and a fantastic cast and crew for a job well done. A particularly well-deserved shout-out to Bradley Cooper, who took an annoying character that would have driven me insane in most any other movie, and made him totally watchable and brilliant. I liked Cooper in Alias, loved him in Kitchen Confidential, and have been pleasantly surprised at his appearances in movies like Wedding Crashers... I hope he gets more leading roles out of his home-run performance in The Hangover.

And now I should probably call it a night. Tomorrow is a very long day.

Tags: , ,
Categories: Movies 2009, Travel 2009Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Avitable says:

    Did you like Old School? I’m interested in seeing The Hangover but worried that it will be as shitty and stupid as Old School was.

    Cooper might be Face in the new A-Team movie and there’s a push for him to become Green Lantern, too.

  2. Tracy Lynn says:

    Jesus, Dave, you don’t look crazy in the EYE. Why do you not know that?

  3. Kyra says:

    You know, the gypsies thing sounds more like a letter to a naughty magazine, than crazy.

    however, how many of these incidents involved you having your iPhone out? Maybe it’s drawing them in with special frequency radio laser microwaves, or something…

  4. delmer says:

    My brother-in-law is 1/2 Italian and 1/2 Mexican. I checked and he’s been in Tennessee for the last couple of months. (And he’s one of the nicest guys you’d ever meet.)

    I’m dying to see The Hangover. I gotta make time for it this week.

  5. Hilly says:

    So, women are NOT the only people who want to know what you are thinking? Check, check.

  6. Do they sell crazy repellent somewhere? Maybe someone should contact the Deep Woods Off people and come up with a line extension to help us out.

  7. shiny says:

    I was going to reference what Hilly said in her post about the “what are you thinking” repercussions.

    Instead, I’ll agree with you wholeheartedly about Bradley Cooper in “Kitchen Confidential.” Wonderful series which was cut short far too soon.

  8. Badger says:

    Dude, this is totally why I live in the ‘burbs. We have crazies here too, but they are mostly locked behind 6-foot stockade fences (and/or behind the wheels of large SUVs; point is, you see them coming).

  9. Nat says:

    Whoa…
    There is a scheme here where people accost you and ask you for money for any number of reasonable sounding emergencies… diapers, formula, gas, etc… all scams to get cash from you.

    Remind me not go anywhere with you ok?

  10. whall says:

    They need to make a movie called The Layover, and it’s where Bradley Cooper plays a guy named “David Simmer”, and he travels a lot, see, and he has all these layovers. I know! It’s crazy. But see, what happens, is, he’s on these layovers and a bunch of CRAZY people engage with him. LIKE ON EVERY TRIP HE TAKES! We got crazy homeless people, crazy evangelists, crazy technophobes, crazy lost people, and it gets all crazy and stuff! It’s boffo I tells ya! We’d have a gum-smacking whore on the plane, and then some shots of rude TSA agents, and annoying people on their bluetooth headsets that yell out loud the cruciatingly boring yet disgustingly descriptive personal details of their last gastrointestinal surgery, and it’s gonna be great!

  11. sizzle says:

    I found it funny that both you and Hilly had references to being asked what you are thinking in today’s posts. :-)

    You can’t help it- it’s your magnetic personality!

  12. Sybil Law says:

    Oooh – the crazies love me, too! Only, they are generally nice to me and want to be my buddy.
    I think that’s way worse than them being assholes to you.
    Kinda. Sucks both ways, actually.
    :)

  13. martymankins says:

    So am I crazy or does THE HANGOVER look an awful lot like the movie VERY BAD THINGS?

  14. kilax says:

    Everyone keeps saying the Hangover is so good! I was ignoring them all, because I don’t actually trust anyone’s movie input except for yours and my husband’s. I guess I will have to consider seeing it!

  15. ETinNY says:

    I think that Kyra may be on to something, Dave. Perhaps the homeless guy wanted to know what you were thinking…..because he thought he was reading your thoughts!!

    What’s the frequency, Kenneth? uhh, I mean, Dave?

  16. Robin says:

    I am definitely hitting you up for money the next time I see you. If fact, just send some now….you can send a note and tell me what you are thinking or something, but just make sure you send cash….

  17. Patty says:

    Yeah, I liked the Hangover too. It was some mindless fun and got a few laughs out of it.

    I’ve heard that story about ‘my mom is getting out of the hospital’….it’s just a scam. I got the same thing with ‘my friend is getting out of the hospital and I don’t have enough gas money’…
    They think if they lie with a sob story then you are more likely to give them some dough.
    Usually I don’t but I’ve been suckered, now I say no when I see them go buy a beer with my money.

  18. mike says:

    Liked him in Alias, but Bradley Cooper was pretty awesome playing the cheesey tv doctor in Nip/Tuck, yup more leading roles for this guy please.

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